Thursday, December 19, 2013

A Holiday Gift To Your Teen…..Advice From Us Old Folks

A friend just posted this on Facebook and I wished someone had told me this stuff when I was 16. At 62 I might not be able to get to all this but god I want to!!! Sit at your dinner table, bring along this list, and let your kids know that their youth should not be wasted. Carpe Diem!

Have an amazing and wonderful holiday with your family. Extra hugs and kisses all around!!!


http://www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/37-things-youll-regret-when-youre-old

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Understanding Your Teen's Temperament

Teens are: unpredictable, aliens, explosive, risk-taking, and temperamental. So say hundreds of parents when I ask them to throw out adjectives that describe their teen at my seminar: Adolescent Psychology-The Parent Version. You ask yourself, who is this person? I don't know what's going to come out of his/her mouth next. This is unsettling to say the least because what has worked in the past to calm your kid down so you can have a civilized conversation seems to have flown out the window. Not to mention, the way he wants to spend his time, the kinds of kids she likes to hang with, and what about how school used to be the most important part of his life. This isn't my kid, who is this kid?

Well actually deep down inside those tiny tank tops or baggy jeans and untied sneakers is the kid you raised, and all those characteristics you thought sweet or funny as a toddler, now in a taller, more filled out body...not so funny and sweet. For example, maybe you had that 3 year old who had fantastic verbal skills, and you thought it was so cute when they were able to talk you into reading just one more book at bedtime, or just one more cookie for dessert, or just one more episode of Sesame Street. After talking baby talk for 3 years, how refreshing to have these adult like conversations with your "little man". Well your "little man" has grown up and his verbal skills have grown with him, and he wants to share them with you! Now he understands that these verbal/negotiating skills can wear you down to the point that he is able to get exactly what he wants. And how about that adorable little 4 year old girl who had the energy of a rabbit, bouncing from one activity to the next. Running instead of walking, climbing the highest slide or jungle gym with you standing below, screaming, "honey be careful!!! Now at 14 she wants to run out of the house, hang with her friends, doing what and with whom..."Honey be careful"
Or maybe you had that shy 5 year old, who clung to your leg and didn't want to go into the school, or to the play date or the birthday party, and now as a 13 year old seems overwhelmed with the expectations of the 8th grade social strata.

See, they aren't really so different. What your teen brings to the table in terms of temperament and personality is biological, sorry,you can't change that. But you can be aware of it, and help your teen to see what their natural inclinations might be to keep them safe during this time in their life when their world is so inviting and exciting.  So if you have that risk-taking 4 year old all grown up now, it's important to have this kind of conversation; "You know honey, when you were little, you used to make me crazy with worry because you were always the kid who wanted to climb the highest tree, or ride your bike down the steepest hill, you were an excitement junkie. I loved how confident and fearless you were about things, always wanting to try something new. And I love that about you now, but because this is the essence of you, now as a teenager, you will also want to drive the fastest, party the hardest, take the biggest risks, and that worries me. We just need to make sure that you are safe, knowing that won't come naturally to you." Or if you have that verbal kid who has the skills of the slickest lawyer on TV, your job is to avoid getting into a verbal volleyball match. You won't win! Or maybe  you have that shy teen who has friends he wants to party with, and ends up going because he want to fit it. This shy 5 yr old grown up may be especially vulnerable to drinking or drugs because after the first experience with a few beers they feel the confidence and comfort in a group that they never felt before. That is a seductive feeling. So you need to say to this teen, "I know being in groups has always been hard for you, and now you have friends, which makes me so happy, and they want you to hang and go to parties where I know there is going to be alcohol and drugs. I worry that because those situations initially are hard for you, your friends might encourage you to drink to "loosen up" and that you might become dependent on alcohol or drugs to have fun in these situations.

Embrace the person your teen is and is becoming. Recognize the strengths in their personality and temperament, and give them the tools to manage them. Your legs won't be there to hold on to, and you won't always be waiting at the bottom of the slide.  They need the confidence and know-how to do it
"all by myself".

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

And Your College Kid Comes Home


Today is finals day. I'm off to give my freshman students probably the first final of their college career. I am up against a lot. Last week's attendance in my classes was a sure sign of that. It wasn't pretty with many empty seats, and students sauntering in late not even sporting the usual embarrassed look of apology. They have thrown in the towel, anxious to alight to home towns everywhere where their moms and dads await them with fondness and food.

There is a nostalgia that both college students and parents bring to the table as they each anticipate the others return. For parents instead of the vision of sugarplum fairies dancing in their head, they see magically matured college students anxious to spend quality time with their parents, sitting around the dinner table discussing world events, joining them in the family room for popcorn filled movie nights, bedrooms where beds are made and laundry and clothes put away, and polite banter keeping parents in the loop of their plans and whereabouts. Ah, it almost sounds to good to be true. And it is!!!! Sorry to burst your bubble, but your kids are still your kids, and there has been no magical transformation.

For your kids their sugarplum replaced fantasies include a place where magically prepared delicious home-cooked foods appear instantaneously, and clean laundry is available on request.  They imagine a place where the family car is at their disposal day or night, and questions about where, when and with whom they are going are completely absent from their parents lips now that they are college students. Well they are in for a rude awakening as well.

Its all about realistic expectations. The noise, and the chaos of returning college students is at first so comforting. Your kids are so excited to be home, back in the bosom of the family, all cozy and warm. But they are still kids, and they have had a life where freedom is not "just another word," it is a way of life. This can be a huge adjustment for parents of homebound college students. Your student will chafe at that first glimmer of "So where are you going, and what time will you be home?" Or the "just because you have been away in college, when you are home there are rules, and we expect you to follow them." Ooh, let the games begin.

Its time for a new game plan. I am not suggesting a free for all, letting the cards fall where they may approach, but a recognition that life has changed, your kids have changed, and you can never go back. This is time for a great big "I get it" moment. You might say to your returning prodigal: "We are so excited to have you home, and we get that being away from home and then coming back is going to be an adjustment for all of us. I get you have been on your own for the last 4 months, and its probably felt amazing to be in control over your own life. We get that you will be out late, and want to do what you want to do, but here is what's going on with us. We too have gotten used to having our car to ourselves, not worrying about your whereabouts and your safety, (out of sight out of mind) not being responsible for laundry and clean-up and dirty dishes left where ever. We want this visit to be good for all of us, so lets try to come up with a plan that works for all of us."If you can anticipate with your now older and sorta maturish teen rather than waiting for all the annoying stuff to happen, you will be a little ahead of the game. It is important though to really understand that this is not about enforcing "rules" but looking for a partnership with this new emerging adult. Recognizing that the old rules have been outgrown, and that new "agreements" based on mutual respect need to be forged. The revolving door is now in place, as your kids come back and forth from real life and the joys of freedom, to the welcoming and sometimes smothering arms of their family. There will be times when someone gets caught in the door, it could be you, and it will for sure be your kids, but the door will keep moving cause it has to. It is the law of nature.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Here's The Deal With Peer Pressure

I read an interesting article Teenagers, Friends and Bad Decisions. http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/03/teenagers-friends-and-bad-decisions/.

 I love when articles confirm what I already know, but in a new way. It makes me feel so smart. This referenced a study that was done at Temple University looking at the effect on teens brains while they are making decisions when they are alone versus when they are with their friends. The experiment was so interesting. Ask a bunch of 14-18 year olds to do a simulated driving game for which they will be rewarded with cash if they finish in a certain time frame. Embedded in the game are choices to be made like running yellow lights to finish more quickly. However if you "crash" you get penalized and delayed.  Scores were compared with a group of college students and a group of young adults.  "Half of the time each person played alone, and half the time they were told that two same-sex friends who had accompanied them to the study were watching in the next room." The results, no change in game playing or risk-taking for college students and young adults when told about people watching their play, but for the teens they ran 40% more yellow lights and had 60% more crashes when they "believed" their friends were watching. Remember these "phantom friends" were not even in the room with them, they only believed that friends were watching. 

This is pretty powerful documentation of the effect of what we call "the imaginary audience", a term coined by Psychologist David Elkind that refers to the heightened sense of self-consciousness in teens. This occurs because of the newly developing and growing teenage brain that is working on overtime to make teens aware that not only do they have thoughts about themselves but that other people have thoughts about them. Think of this as opening night jitters that starts the second teens awaken and ends when they have posted their last facebook message of the day. What will I wear today, how will people see me? What will I say today, what will people think about what I am saying? and so on. The study supports the thinking that when your teen is on their own they are more likely to make responsible decisions (no imaginary audience) but give them a real or perceived audience and lets get on with the show! Because often times it is all for show, just like the teens in the study who took more risks when they thought their friends were watching. 

This would be a great article to read with your teen. Here is scientific documentation of all your worries. Let them know that you are not crazy, even the scientists can see that when you are with your friends you are more likely to put yourself in risky and potentially unsafe situations. Your job here is to use that power of understanding with your teen " I get how important it is to not embarrass yourself in front of your friends, but I know that sometimes you might make a different decision when you are alone than when you are hanging with your friends. Lets try to find some ways that you can both save face in front of your friends, but make sure that you are safe. This is the kind of conversation you might have every weekend just before your teen leaves the house. This is NOT something you can change about  your teen. It is literally chemistry, but you can make your teen aware of it and provide them with strategies, scripts and alternatives to keep them safe. 

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

How To Do A "Hang" With Your Teen

Zits Cartoon for Dec/10/2013

The good news is that even if they're texting and watching TV and eating snacks, they are probably way more open to conversation than you might think. You just have to follow these rules:

1. Don't try to make a comment while they are mid-text. Timing is everything. Catch them between chimes with a comment about the show/movie you are watching together.

2. Don't make a judgemental comment about "why can't you just put your damn phone away." Trust me, they will vacate the premises.

3. Getting them to sit on the couch with you even if they are texting is a coup!

4. Reinforce their company. Bring in food. Make this time as pleasant as possible, so that they want to do it again.

5. Watch a movie or TV show that is of interest to them. Remember you are trying to entice the away from the entertainment cave that is their room.

6. Be realistic, this is not the good old days. Those days may be gone forever, its time to re-define couch time!

7. Or drum roll please: start early with your kids and help them not to get addicted to their phones in the first place! Oh yes, that means you too!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Can't You Find SOMETHING To Do?


Amazing though it seems, some teens actually prefer spending time with their parents. So who's complaining? The parents!!!! I have had a number of requests to address this issue from parents worried that their teen is using a "too much homework" excuse for avoiding the part of their life that feels overwhelming, stressful and beyond uncomfortable...their social and activity life. Parents say: "He has lost all enthusiasm for activities he did before" or from another parent:"my teen seems to feel so overwhelmed she won't go to school dances or activities, and won't have friends over to hang", and this parent says:"my teen uses academics to hide from social pressure. He says he has too much work to do on weekends, no time for other stuff. He loves hanging with adults, and seems to thrive on the attention they give him."

All of the kids described above are 8th and 9th graders. This can be such a painful and awkward transition time. Perhaps activities they have participated in the past were parent directed, as in I signed you up or soccer, or baseball, or dance, or piano, or whatever it is you wanted your kid to experience. Middle and High School is when the rubber meets the road. Kids find out that as they get older, coaches aren't so interested anymore in making sure everyone has a chance to play, now they just want to win. Maybe your teen has now realized that this is something he is just not good at, and everybody else sees that too. Sitting on the bench while everyone else plays away can be humiliating. But what you hear from your teen is, I hate this, it's so boring, I hate the coach, etc etc etc. So now what? As a parent it has been comforting knowing that there was practice or rehearsal, and your teen would be constructively busy after school, maybe even on weekends. Now there is an empty void. The days when your minivan used to be full of kids yammering on about the game as you carpooled is now an empty car. Your teen sits mute in the seat next to you, and you see an entire weekend unplanned, feeling guilty that you want to be with your friends hanging out without your teen. Can't he/she find something to do????

First of all, this is a short-term problem. Your teen has closed the chapter on the childhood part of his/her life, but hasn't quite figured out yet what the next chapter holds. He/she knows that they are supposed to want to be with other kids, hanging, fooling around, getting into trouble, but that just does not fit for them right now. They can't seem to settle on an activity/sport/passion that they feel competent and interested in, and  probably academics is something that gives them that same sense of purpose and structure. The only problem with that is it is isolating and lonely. Here are some suggestions. Summer programs. Get them away for the summer at a program that grabs their attention and focuses on a competence, computers, science, writing, whatever you see from your perspective that grabs them. They will make new friends, who share their interest, and potentially bridge the social gap. They may not be able to articulate this to you, but your powerful parent observation skills should be able to steer you in a direction. Remember this is not something you want them to be interested in but something they ARE interested in. OK so its only December. Often teens like this are too shy to get involved in something that they might actually like, and if you suggest something they will reject it out of hand for that reason alone. Sometimes its helpful to enlist the help of a guidance counselor or outside person on the down low. Perhaps you have a kid who is a closet artist. Maybe you can talk to the drama person and see whether they might go to your kid and say, "hey we really need help designing sets for the spring play, I heard you have some skills in painting, could you help us?"Maybe your teen is great with younger kids, and tutoring a neighborhood kid would help him/her feel good. Go to the neighbor and ask if they might call your teen and ask them for help. You get the gist. Think of yourself as a life coach. Youngish teens often don't know what it is they want to do and still need some help. But you have to be more subtle about helping them. You want to give them the feeling that they are in control, and competent. This is a moment in time. As teens become more secure in themselves and their developing identity they will be willing to take more risks. By junior year, most kids are finding those friends, those activities, and those passions that make them feel engaged and involved. Some kids learn to "walk" at 10 months, some at 13 or 14 months, either way they all learn to walk.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Teens And The Need For Alone Time


I ran across this article recently researching the issue of teens and the effects of over-connection. A recent statistic I read stated that teens spend 7 hours a day on cells and social networking. That is after-school hours. That is alarming. Literally the only leftover time is sleep! This article speaks to this issue. It's a good read.  http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/articles/2011/03/06/the_power_of_lonely/

To summarize, it talked about the benefits of spending time alone. "When we let our focus shift away from the people and things around us, we are better able to engage in what's called meta-cognition, or the process of thinking critically and reflexively about our own thoughts." I know I crave this time alone, letting my mind wander to places it might not normally go. Our lives now make it almost impossible for some people to shut off all the distractions of Iphones, and e-mail, and facebook, and oh, also the face time we give to our jobs, and our families. This leaves little time for rumination. I know some of my most creative and deep thinking comes in the car with the radio and cell phone off, or in long walks with my dog.

The article specifically addresses teenagers and this issue of aloneness. "Teenagers, especially have been shown to benefit from time spent apart from others, in part because it allows for a kind of introspection and freedom from self-consciousness that strengthens their sense of identity." The problem is that though being alone is good for the soul, most teens are afraid of it. They have become so attuned to the buzz of ipods, cellphones, computers and video games, that silence feels alien and to some terrifying. So much so that many teens have developed in inability to go to sleep without some "noise". Just being alone with their own thoughts is scary. I have talked a lot with my college students about this, and in some classes I take the first five minutes to do a short meditation. My students have said how hard that five minutes is for them, and that it feels like forever to just be quiet. This is not a good thing.

Some teens like being alone. Even as children they were happy to play by themselves, and often refused the offer of a playdate, just to be with themselves happily in their worlds of make-believe. Some teens are terrified of being alone, desperately looking for companionship and connection. So there is the nature part of this equation.

You obviously can't make your teen take the time to "smell the roses." But you can model it, and you can call attention to it. Here is your I get it moment: 'You know honey I was thinking about how plugged in we all are, and how little time we give ourselves to just be quiet. I read this article recently that talked about how important it is for everyone to allow themselves time to just process. I get how much you have to do, and how important it is for you to stay tuned in to it all, just wish you would take some time to just be." They will probably look at you and think, what the hell is she/he talking about? But that's ok. Sometimes as parents we are just planters. We drop some seeds of wisdom, and hope that somewhere along the way, some sprouts appear.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Solutions To Two Annoying And Crazy-making Teen Behaviors

Laundry:
This might be one of the major hurdles that parents and teens just can't get past. Forget drugs. alcohol, sex, cellphones, computers; why can't they just put their damn laundry away?????? It is this question that has plagued parents since the concept of clean clothes was born. The answer is that kids don't give a s**t about their laundry. They just like the magical laundry fairy to deliver their clean laundry all folded up nicely to their room. They don't really think about the real person who has done it,  or that putting away this beautiful folded laundry would make the laundry fairy happier than almost anything else. The Laundry fairy, however, is being driven quietly insane by this basket of nicely folded laundry that is emptied out on the floor as their teen scrounges through it looking for their favorite white tee shirt, leaving the beautifully folded laundry in a heap either hanging off, inside or outside of the laundry basket. What's a laundry fairy to do?

There are two easy possible solutions:

 First just do it yourself. It will take 5 minutes of your time, and it will be one less thing to argue with your teen about. Consider it a gift of parenthood. Also, and not of minor importance, it gives you access to your teens drawers where you might potentially find contraband of some sort or another that gives you insight into your teen's life!

Second, if your teen won't put this beautifully folded laundry away, then STOP FOLDING IT! Do the laundry as always, and bring to your teen a basket of clean but unfolded laundry. If they aren't happy with this new adjustment, you can calmly say: " Since it didn't seem important to you to put your laundry away to keep it unwrinkled, I figured it didn't need to be folded at all. If you feel differently, I would be happy to fold your laundry when you decide that putting it in your drawers keeps your clothes they way you like them. Just let me know what you decide."

Dirty Dishes and food wrappers
This is another one of those issues that drives parents absolutely crazy. "Why can't my teen bring his dirty dishes, glasses, food wrappers etc up to the kitchen and put them in the dishwasher????" Why, because they absolutely could not give a s**t!! It doesn't bother them, and as soon as they are finished with whatever foodstuffs they have consumed, it is out of sight out of mind!

Here is a solution: Buy cheap paper plates and cups. New rule, any food consumed out of the kitchen is to be eaten or drunk from the paper products now available on kitchen counters everywhere. This includes bedrooms, family rooms, and basements. Your job is to provide ample trash receptacles in every location, strategically placed next to coaches, chairs, cushions or other lounging areas. The more wastebasket availability the better. Don't just leave it at that. Have a training session. Bring some snacks to your trash toting teen using said paper products, and when they have finished eating, practice putting the trash in the available trash receptacles. 

Sometimes it's better to problem solve than nag. If they can't, won't, don't, bring the dishes upstairs, then figure out other ways for them to consume. Many parents worry that if they don't "teach" their kids how to clean up after themselves than as adults they won't know how to do it. This is not true!!! If you have provided a good model from the get-go on a keeping a well-ordered home then that is the model that will be present for them when it is time for them to have their own home. Trust me I know this from my own experience with my daughter and all the young adults I have watched grow up. They all are wonderful keepers of their homes, but as teens they were just like yours!


Tuesday, December 3, 2013

A Quickie Parenting Quiz

A Parenting Quiz

  1. When your teen walks in the door after school, do you ask these three questions? How much homework do you have? How did you do on your quiz? Did you talk to your teacher about...?
  2. Do you spend your weeknights walking in and out of your teen's room asking? When are you going to put this laundry away? Have you finished your homework? Did you take the trash out?
  3. Do you spend your post school hours telling your teen multiple times to: Get off facebook and do your homework! Stop texting and do your homework! Get off that video game and do your homework!
  4. At least one time per week, do you find something that your teen has done that you can compliment?
How did you do? If you had 4 yes's congratulations!!! If you answered with 3 no's and a yes congratulations!!!! if you answered no to the last question, lets talk!

Obviously when parents come to me for coaching they are usually struggling with the first three questions. How can I get my teen to do what I want them to do? Why doesn't my teen listen to me? Why doesn't my teen tell me anything?  I have found that there is a direct correlation to the non-listening, non-action taking of teens to the amount of positive feedback they are given by their parents, there isn't much given.  Most parents are so worried that if they don't stay on top of everything their teen needs to do to be successful, then they will be at a disadvantage when  it come to the important thing, like getting into college for instance. This approach to parenting can be extremely time consuming, exhausting and mostly unrewarding. Putting yourself in the role of CEO of your child's life, automatically puts you in that secluded corner office worrying about the success of your "company" and out of touch with your "employees".

I was watching a news story recently about the online company Zappos. The CEO of that company
did not have a corner office, in fact, he didn't have an office at all. He "lived" in the same cubicle as the rest of his staff, right in the middle of the action. The work-life atmosphere at Zappo's is designed to promote hard-work while providing their employees with food, fun and lots and lots of kudo's for jobs well done. They have found that it is the food, fun and kudos that make their employees want to work their asses off for the company. Nobody minds the long hours and the cubicles because they feel understood and appreciated.

I think this is a model that can translate well to parenting. You probably aren't having much fun anymore with your teen, as they stay as far away from you as possible, worried that every time they see you it means you are on them about something. Kind of like that worry you feel when you see the "boss coming." Uh oh, now what did I do wrong, you might think. Gotta turn this around. Try making your nightly rounds without questions or comments. Maybe bring up an unexpected treat or snack you know is a favorite of your teen's and saying: "Thought you might like this treat..love u" and walk out the door.

I talked with a parent recently who is all over her teen, worried that he just wasn't "working" hard enough. His attitude towards her was becoming toxic as a result. The good news was this kid was a really good kid. But she had forgotten that in her worry that he wasn't on top of everything academically that he should have been, ie missing homework assignments that were resulting in lowering of his grades, avoidance of college essay and application writing, that she was not paying attention to the good stuff he was doing. He was not drinking or taking drugs, though most of his friends were. He was managing a part-time job. He was saving money, not squandering it away like most of his friends. Lots of good stuff.

I sent her home to put a little "fun, food and kudos" back into their life together. At a dinner out at his favorite fast food restaurant, rather than asking a million questions and lecturing him about his "future", the mom told him how proud she was of the decisions he made in his life that must be hard, like not drinking when he was with his friends, like how seriously he took his sport, like how conscientious he was about his job even though it meant getting up wicked early on a Saturday morning. She told him she was going to back off with all his college stuff as she had confidence in his ability to follow though if this was something HE really wanted for himself. I think this boy thought he had died and gone to heaven. As soon as she understood and appreciated what good stuff he was doing, he then accepted responsibility for what he wasn't doing, and they had one of the most honest, and fulfilling conversations they had ever had.

This Zappo's CEO is on to something. If you want to get the most out of your relationship with your teen you have to keep it balanced. Stay on and interested in those things you know are important but never ever forget the fun,  the food and  the kudos!




Wednesday, November 27, 2013

More Thanksgiving Love

There is something about the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.  Maybe its the embedded memory of a half day at school and the anticipation of four days of freedom. I know for me its also the anticipation of my favorite meal ever, looking forward to savoring every morsel of turkey and stuffing. But what I look forward to most is the minute my beloved daughter walks in the door on Thanksgiving day. There is nothing more special, more delicious, than that first hug with your child, no matter how grown up. Thanksgiving is a day to be treasured. All the worries of daily life, messy rooms, bad attitudes, disappointing grades, worries about money, job, family responsibility all put aside in order to cherish and preserve the present; family, food, and football. ( I personally hate football, but I get it's importance to some)

I know sometimes for parents this is no easy task. Maybe you have had a hard week with your teen, arguments, hurt feelings, parents feeling ignored and abandoned by their kids. I wanted to share especially for these parents a poem that a parent shared with me. She and her son had been at odds at what felt like forever. She was so saddened by the change in their relationship, and was working really hard to find some common ground with her son in this battlefield. One morning, going into her son's room to grab his laundry, she found this poem on the floor. This was not a school assignment, but an impulsive pouring out of thoughts. He did not hand his mom this poem as an olive branch, but instead, left it out for her to find. It is a tribute to the love a son has for his family. Know this, that what you often see on the outside, is not what is really going on the inside. Thanksgiving day is a day for you to share those feelings with your kids. Take the inside love and wear it on the outside, at least for the day, and maybe they will too. 


Where Am I From

I am from long nights lying on the grass
I am from days packed with sports
I am from burnt rice and undercooked hot dogs
I am from arguing about the stupidest things
I am from Love
I am from listening to my ipod late at night
I am from turning on my fan just for the noise
I am from letting facebook turn 1 hour of work into 3
I am from tiptoeing to the bathroom so my mom thinks I'm still asleep
I am from prayers said with the rest of my family over wine, even though I can’t drink
I am from Love
I am from Life

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Time For A Little Thanks

In the last few months, close friends of mine have dealt with life issues that seem unbearable; loss of parents and husbands; children who have been diagnosed with scary health issues; big big big issues. It does make me feel so thankful for the blessings of family, friends, satisfying work, and good health. Life isn't perfect, and there are many days I feel discouraged, or whiny about what now seem like such silly things in light of what my friends are dealing with. So this Thanksgiving is a time for real thanks.

Your teen may need a little dose of that thanks this holiday. Maybe things haven't been so great. Maybe report cards have been disappointing, or their attitude towards you and the family has you pulling your hair out, or they seem ungrateful and entitled, or distant and uncommunicative. There is not much good to be found. And the more they disappoint, the more you pull away.  Sometimes we need an excuse to wipe the slate. Why not have Thanksgiving be that excuse. If you have found the last few months weighing in on the negative, maybe just for the next few days, you share some thankful moments with your teen. Maybe a text, or a card left on their bed with a " I get things have been hard between us over the last few months, but I am so grateful that you are my son/daughter. I cannot imagine my life without your (insert some of the good stuff here, here are some examples: humor; getting me to watch movies I never would have picked but loved; forced me to learn about..., you get the idea.) I know we will get past this other stuff. I love you."

Don't look for a response or a thank you. This is a selfless gift you are giving with no expectations. Teens need to know that with all the crap they hand out, you will always love them, plain and simple.

Treasure these days.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Out Of The Mouths Of Teens

I would like to thank my college students for allowing me to share these excerpts from recent papers they wrote on "My Teenage Years." I have been assigning this paper for almost 25 years and I am always touched by my students honesty and insight as they reflect on their adolescence now that they have some distance.
So in their wordS I give you their thoughts on:

EMOTION AND FRIENDS:
"During my teenage years I felt emotions worse and more extreme than I ever had in my entire life. Everything hurt worse than it ever did before and everything was dramatic. I had my heat broken so many times I lost track. Often these heart breaks didn't come from boys. The worst heartbreak I ever felt was when my closest friend told me she didn't want to be friends with me any more. Her reasons didn't make sense to me and I felt horrible. We had spent all of high school there for each other with no arguments or problems. She made me hate myself because I felt rejected. I became crazed over it and analyzed every part of our friendship and all my other friendships to see what made me such a horrible person in her eyes. There are many differences between who I am now and who I was when I was thirteen. I no longer care as much how people perceive me or think of me. I no longer feel emotions as strong as I did. I actually look back at some of the things that once made me cry and laugh because they seem so ridiculous now.

I realize that as a teen my friends helped define who I was and who I wanted to be, and so I sometimes wanted to  be friends with people that saw the person I wanted to be. She is not the person I am today."

ON FAMILY:
"During Adolesense I thought I was too cool to be seen with my family. My mother would always get mad at me when I would not talk to her while we were in public. For some reason I was embarrassed to be seen with my mom. When I step back and look at the fact that I did that, I have no idea why it was such a big deal. With a completely 180 degree flip, I love to hang out with my mom now, sometimes more than with my friends!"

ON PUBERTY:
"I used to be the bigger kid in my group, but than I realized I wasn't getting any taller. I kept waiting for the growth spurt I heard about from my pediatrician. It never happened. I never had a year where I grew more than two inches. I have been 5 ft 6 in since the seventh grade. Althought I never talked to anyone about my height bothering me, I would come home and mention that my once shorter cousin or friend was now taller than me. My friends teased me bad."

" The one thing I could't accept about myself was having a flat chest. In seventh grade, alot of girls were starting to develop breasts but I was not one of them. At first it was something I was only midly insecure about because other girls were in the same boat. I didn't think I was getting sized up or people examined my body as closely as I did. But when I got my first boyfriend that made me far more doubtful of what was normal for breast size. I was raised with very good morals and didn't want to put my body out for anyone to have. When I didn't do sexual things with him, he cheated on me with my very busty best friend. After a few weeks of people finding out and bashing the couple for doing something incredibley harsh to me, he lied, and said we fooled around, but I was boring since I didn't have big boobs. For the rest of the year, I was mocked by his friends for not being developed.

A BIG TAKEAWAY:

Adolescence is hard. Because teens are naturally so self-involved they can be hurtful and mean. The fragility  and vulnerability of teens, due their changing bodies and changing brains can contribute to emotional highs and extreme emotional lows.

The good news, nothing lasts forever. This is lesson that older teens learn, and a lesson that you should learn as well. What you see now is not what you will see in a few years. This is a moment in time when drama, attitude, and feeling dismissed as parents feels acute and painful. But fear not, with age, and growth, maturity, and a move home after college, these feelings will be a distant memory.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

The Art Of Teaching Responsibility

Two lists were generated by my college freshman last week describing things that their parents did well to prepare them for college life, and some ways parents left them unprepared for a life away from parental oversight.

Many students expressed gratitude to their parents for teaching them how to take responsibility for themselves, both financially and  emotionally. These students felt a sense of personal satisfaction that if they wanted something they had to work to get it. Though they knew their parent's support was always available to them, they liked feeling "in control" of their life, and liked that their parents had confidence in their ability to make good decisions whether around academics, curfews, partying, friends, college etc. Conversely. many students felt unprepared for life on their own, and wished their parents had made them get a job when they were in high school,  and had given them more opportunities to be responsible for themselves, while the parental safety net was there. Now on their own, they are overwhelmed with all the daily decisions that they must make on their own. These students are calling or texting their parents multiple times a day just to get advice on some of the mundane tasks of daily living. I am sure that those parents who get these texts are grateful. It's almost like they've never left home. "They love me, they really love me!"

But it won't feel so cute when they are 25 and still calling you to find out how to make a doctor's appointment, take care of a bounced check, expired car registration, or empty bank account.  The time is now! So if you are a problem solver, a person of action who loves to take care of business, beware. Taking care of your teen's business will come back to haunt you in the future. Here is a checklist of ways to encourage independence.

 1. When your teen comes to you for help with a problem, I know you feel flattered, but resist the temptation to solve it for them. Instead ask questions that put them in the drivers seat like: "What do you see as some of the options?" "OK lets look at option 1, pros and cons" Take them through the process of how a decision is made. Remember teens today are impatient, they look for a quick response. But there are some things in life you can't google. It just takes old fashioned time. You solving their problems just feeds their need for instant gratification.

2. If you find yourself becoming your teen's personal ATM, it might mean that your teen has lost awareness for how much and how he/she spends your money. So much of a teens life is magical. Using cell phones, computers, mom and dad's generosity, everything they want is literally in their fingertips. How about saying to your teen; "I am willing to give up to $$$ a month and then it's up to you if you want or need anything over and above." Just because your teen wants to go shopping every weekend that doesn't mean you have to shell out 40 bucks so they have some spending money. They may buy another T-shirt or video game, but because it was just a meaningless buy, no skin off their teeth, it ends up in a pile of other impulsive boredom buys. Do not just mindlessly buy or give your teen money. Make them work for something.  Don't deprive them of that feeling of pride when earned money is what buys them something. Maybe it's a job, maybe it's money for chores, but teaching them that you don't get something for nothing is a valuable lesson.

3. Teens ask you to do many things for them. And because you love them and because many of your teens have busy lives, or because saying no starts an argument, you do it. There are times however that demands cross the line from "Mom/Dad, can you, will you?" to " TAKE ME, BUY ME, FEED ME, CLEAN ME !" Unknowingly parents often feed into the narcissistic impulses that are common for adolescents, and with that comes a sense of entitlement. Make sure that if and when you help your teen out, it does not come after some overt disrespect, or avoidance of requests that you have asked of them. You might say in a calm, non-confrontational voice: "I love doing things for you, but not when you speak to me like you did this morning." Or, I love doing things for you, but I have asked you a million times this week to just bring your laundry to the machine so I can do it, and you haven't. When that is done I will be happy to take you to X's house." It is important for your teen to understand that relationships are reciprocal, cause when they are out in the big bad world, fellow grown-ups will expect that of them.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

The Best Job Vs The Good Enough

Zits Cartoon for Nov/12/2013

I understand Jeremy completely! What a tedious process it is to do a first draft, a second draft, all for what, the final draft??? I would normally chalk this up to the impetuous and impulsive teenage brain, but then what would be my excuse. I know my blogs are hardly perfect. There are many times when I go back a few days after I have published a blog and see missed words, words that don't make sense, and sentences that don't make sense. You'd think that I would know better, and honestly I do, it's just that old enemy of mine, rushing through.

It was only this summer while writing my second book for a publisher and editor I respected and truthfully, was a little afraid of, that I wrote and rewrote and rewrote again and again until it was as perfect as I could make. And honestly it worked, my manuscript got through editing and copyediting with very little change. But, man, it took a lot of f**king time and patience I really didn't think I had.

There are those of us who are built for speed. We sometimes race through life with imperfection. Criticizing and judging have little effect on us speed-demons. When I was in high school I had an extremely critical english teacher. Though I liked him personally, I felt like a failure in his class. And I had him for two years!!! Plowing through something without putting all the time in for perfection is a way of avoiding imperfection. Does that make sense??

As an adult I figured it out this summer. Work on small increments, and in small segments of time.  Repeat!! It really did work, and the pride I felt at my accomplishment was enormous.

So if you have a student that is kind of like me. Don't call him lazy. Don't criticize her for not taking the time to do a job well. Understand with him/her that in some way this goes against their nature, and get how hard it can be to acknowledge mistakes and work through them. And maybe suggest that they work a paragraph at a time, or a problem at a time. Take a break and go back and start again. It worked for me!

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Get In A Little Hang Time With Your Teen


A middle schooler writes to Ask Amy:" In my family, almost every night my mother and father watch adult oriented TV and movies. I am allowed to come into the room when they are watching, but I would really like to play a board game with them or even watch a family appropriate movie instead. My mother is very busy with her full time teaching job and I feel that barging into the room in the middle of a movie to play a game is rude, but how else could I ensure some family time without disturbing her? Am I being too pushy, and should I leave them to their leisure time because they are busy."

How sweet and sad is that letter! The other day I was getting frozen yogurt (my favorite) and spied a mom sitting with her young teen son having some yogurt after school. The mom was busy texting away on her phone, while her son, hunched over the table, just kind of sat there looking lost. I know we are always talking about how rude our teens are can't be separated from their phones, but how about you? How attached are you to yours?

Believe it or not, many teens do want to spend time with you, they are just embarrassed to ask, lest it sound needy and immature. In a questionnaire I gave to 60 teens ages 14-18, this very issue was oft repeated when asked: I LOVE WHEN MY PARENT (S):

  • Ask me to go places with them because I really don't get to do that a lot.
  • Spend time just watching TV with me because I never get to spend time with them.
  • Ask me to do things with them cause that's the best.
  • Can just talk and hang out and have fun with me.

Our lives are all pretty crazy, especially if you are working, taking care of an elderly parent, and have kids. Getting laundry and food shopping done, returning emails, and god forbid take some time for yourself is a full day. But your teens are watching your every move,and if they see that it's alright to multitask then they will do it too. But another takeaway from them, is that you are just too busy for them. Are you constantly checking your phone when your kids are in the car, at a restaurant, before and after dinner, while you are watching one of their sports practices and games. Do you take your work home with you, and your kids get that you are unavailable?  Are you halfway in or all the way?

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Be the Best Model You Can Be For Your Teen's Sake

Ok the story below just boils my blood. In short, a coach wanted to take his middle school boys football team to HOOTERS for an end of the season celebration. Hooters!! Middle school boys!!! Are you kidding me????? Some  parents got wind of the plan and put the kibosh on it. The coach, rather than acknowledging that it was a riduclous plan in the first place, and offering a revised plan like maybe the local pizza parlor, refused to stand down and chose….CHOSE to be fired rather than come up with a different plan for the boys. Now that is a wonderful lesson to teach a bunch of young adolescent boys, who were salivating at the thought of being able to moon over sexy young woman hired to encourage boys to do just that!

The important lessons that this coach imparted to these impressionable youth are;
1. Women are there for your oogling pleasure
2. Never back down, even when you have had a lapse of judgement. Opt to lose a job over your "principles."

Teens are impressionable. They are formulating an identity full of moral questions. Sometimes they just absorb your values and beliefs, and sometimes they question them, which is a really good thing. After all, your teens aren't you. Different strokes for different folks. However some moral judgements seem very obvious. If an adult man wants to oogle woman, so be it, but to promote ogling to young boys, not good.

You may have opinions and judgements about things that have come from a lifetime of experience. Your personal experience, not your teen's. Be careful of promoting values and beliefs that for adults might be fine, but for teens, uh uh. How you practice your beliefs and values about drugs, alcohol and sex will be watched very carefully by your teens. Looking in the mirror is hard. Could someone please give this coach a full length one!!

http://www.bostonglobe.com/news/nation/2013/11/06/oregon-school-coach-fired-for-hooters-party-plan/MykRA2DwziRDoZLpBqJzqI/story.html

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

A Father's Perspective

I read this op-ed last week in the NYTimes. I have nothing to add, Charles Blow says it all!

The Passion of Parenting


I’ve been a single dad for 13 years. As with most single parents — and indeed with most parents — it hasn’t always been easy.
People sometimes say that parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. But I believe that parenting is sometimes so tough — and exhausting — that you don’t always remember to slow down enough to love it. Sometimes the love is registered in retrospect.
We jockey to give our children the best without giving them so much that they can’t appreciate what they have. We try to encourage them without coddling them. We lavish gifts upon them while simultaneously trying to nurture grit within them.
Parents walk a thin line between oppositional forces, never knowing if we are truly getting it right, judging ourselves and being judged by others.
And we are inundated by studies and books and advice: do this or that if you want your child to succeed and not spend his or her 20s on your sofa.
I try to tune most of it out. When I feel overwhelmed, I call my mother. She always seems to know what to say. I guess that’s why they call it “mother’s wit.”
When my three children were younger, and the strain of taking care of them seemed as though it would overwhelm me, my mother would tell me what an elderly babysitter once told her when she too felt overwhelmed: “Baby, one day they’ll be able to get themselves a cup of water.”
It was a simple way of saying that children grow up and become more self-reliant and eventually they set out on their own to chart their own course. You won’t always have to wait on them hand and foot.
She told me to remember that the more people a child has who truly loves him or her, the happier that child will be. So I work hard to maintain and expand their circles of love.
She taught me that parenting was a lot like giving a hug: It’s all about love and pressure and there is no one way to do it.
She taught me that sometimes you have to make time for yourself so that you will have energy to give to your children. Allow them to have a pizza night every now and then. An occasional treat won’t hurt them, but working yourself to a frazzle will surely hurt you. Rest.
She taught me that you must allow yourself time to find stillness and so you can be moved by it. Sometimes we are so busy that we forget why we’re busy. We have so many things on our list of priorities that we lose sight of what’s really important.
And she taught me that my children are not truly mine. They don’t belong to me; they’ve simply been entrusted to me. They are a gift life gave to me, but one that I must one day give back to life. They must grow up and go away and that is as it should be.
But as the time with my children in my home draws to a close — my oldest is away at college and my twins are 16-year-old high school juniors — I’m beginning to feel the pains in my chest that all parents feel when their children move away.
I thought that this would be a celebratory time, a time when I would relish the idea of getting back to me, of working late without worry and taking last-minute weekend jaunts.
But I don’t. Letting go is hard for me to do. I must let go, but my heart feels hollow. I can’t imagine me without them.
Lately there are times that I find myself just staring at my children, that kind of look that says, “I see you, really see you, and I love you with an all-consuming love, the kind of love that envelops you and sustains me.” It’s the kind of look that invariably draws from my children a “What? What are you looking at?” They speak the words through the slightest smile, a barely registered one, the kind of smile a teenager manages when they know that they are loved, but feel that they are too old for hugs or tears.
Life gave them to me. I’m preparing myself, as best I can, to give them back to life.

I invite you to join me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter, or e-mail me at chblow@nytimes.com.


Thursday, November 7, 2013

Oy Vey: Text bombing...Who Knew?

In my effort to keep up with the latest social networking sites favored by teens, I came across the article below. I'll keep sharing this information with you so that you can be one step ahead of what your teen may be "playing" with next. So it seems that the next big thing to hit the phone universe is TEXTBOMBING. It appears that there are apps you can download that allow you to send nasty texts over and over again designed to annoy the person you are sending them to. So for example, if you had a beef with me, and you wanted to get back at me, you could sign up with one of these websites, and inundate my phone with text after text after text saying horrible and mean things.

Just imagine sitting at lunch with a friend enjoying a lovely conversation, and the text chime goes off hundreds of times. You can't not check it, because it could be important, but over and over again it is some jerk being nasty. The article below is an important read.

Whenever you find out some new app your kids might be using, start the conversation with a: "Hey, I just heard about this app that can text bomb? Have you heard about it. Do kids you know use this. Keep your voice neutral to get a read on whether your teen seems to know about it. If you get all "lecturey" about it, your teen will shut down any potential conversation and any information gathering your attempting will go down the tube. As this article suggests, this app whould be a no-no on your teen's phone. Happy sleuthing!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/01/text-bombing_n_4170171.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Why Are Teens So Mean To Their Parents?

Zits Cartoon for Oct/26/2013


There is a really good reason why teens are mean to their parents. Now with this new teenage brain growing by leaps and bounds, they are literally having thoughts they have never had before. Remember back when you were a teenager the moment when you realized " hey, my parents aren't perfect...awesome!!!!"

Teens have this new thinking ability that allows them to analyze and think more deeply about things. This is why teachers in middle school and high school expect their students to go from the concrete: who-what- where kinds of questions and answers, to the whys? They want them to read between the lines. School is not the only place teens are expected to do this kind of thinking. Their social life, their family life, all of it is now seen and understood under a whole new lens. What do you think gossip is?? It's a new way to think and analyze the people in their life. And you dear parents are part of their life. For the first time, they are seeing you without the rose-colored glasses of childhood, where parents are perfect, and their #1's. Now they see cracks in the armor. "Hey my parents don't practice what they preach, they can be hypocrites." Your teen can see right through the "do as I say, not as I do!"

Not only do they see you more realistically, but they absolutely love to tell you all their new perceptions that they are having about you. They are missing the edit button that will come with adulthood. For now though, if they have a thought about you, no matter how mean sounding, they share it. Just like Jeremy's mom, you may feel that no matter what you do or say, according to your teen it's the wrong thing!!!!

Never fear, this is only temporary. Remember it's a new way of thinking about you. It's a novelty, and it feels really powerful for a teen to be able to see their parents in a whole new way. Having a teen in your home is like having a live in therapist. There is no one who will be more honest with you. If you can hold off on getting defensive, and listen to what they have to say, you might learn something new about yourself that is useful.

The trick here is to not feed into your teen's feeling of power. Basically they are being bullies, and the best way to handle a bully is to take away their power of hurt. So the next time you feel that biting criticism from your teen, rather than expressing hurt or anger, go up to them, give them a great big hug and say: "You are so cute when you're being a brat, I love you!!!" That ought to do the trick!

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

I Love You Mom

I loved loved loved this video. In it, parents describe all the ways they think they have failed their children. "the I'm not a good enough parent" syndrome. I meet a lot of parents who come up to me after a seminar, and say:  "Oops, I guess I've already screwed up my kids, I've done everything wrong!!! They couldn't be more wrong. Yes maybe the consequence they used when their teen did something wrong wasn't that effective. Or maybe you lost it and got over the top mad when you should have tried to keep your temper in check, or maybe your teen disappointed you yet again and you said something that signaled your disappointment in a very strong way that set them off and they felt misunderstood. Of course WE ALL behave in ways sometimes that we regret and wish we had acted differently, especially as parents, But the good news is, your kids will be fine as long as they feel completely loved and accepted, and that the stuff you think you "did wrong" is countered with all the years and years of hugs, and I'm proud of you, and you're awesome stuff!!!!

Teen often bring out the worst in us. There is a parenting adjustment that needs to happen, knowing that the way you parent your teens when they were young just won't work anymore. Frustration at what feels like a lack of power, can turn parents into screaming banshees. But you haven't always been that way, and you won't always be that way. So give yourself a break and watch this video. It will make you feel really really really really good!!!!!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/31/the-video-every-mom-must-watch_n_4181007.html?1383226374&icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl1%7Csec1_lnk2%26pLid%3D399391

Thursday, October 31, 2013

The Dreaded Deadlines: College Apps


And so another year of college deadlines approaches. Perhaps you are lucky enough to have a senior who is organized, motivated, and ahead of the game, having sent off common apps, contacted teachers and guidance counselor for recommendations, and forced you to sit down and do the FAFSA form for financial aid. But truly that is a minuscule percentage of the high school senior population. Most kids, maybe including yours, is waiting till the last minute of recorded time, that midnight deadline of whenever to press send. This is a most trying time for parents, and a most trying time for your seniors.

Your senior avoids because once the application is in, the potential for rejection is now on the table. Colleges are so competitive these days, and kids tend to apply to many of the same colleges as their friends, which leaves them open to the accepted ones or the rejection. This is painful stuff, that many of your kids do not give voice too. What you see is procrastination, avoidance and an absence of responsibility taking. What is underneath all these annoying behavior is fear!

So here is a little advice for you forlorn parents. Rather than threaten and yell, use a little of the "I get it" messages. "Hey honey, I get this is a tedious, sometimes boring process. I know it's hard to give voice to those essays, and lay yourself bare to some anonymous admission geek. And most importantly once your stuff is out of your hands, and into someone elses, it is totally out of your control. That is really scary stuff. I am confident in you, and I know that you will get in to a school that you are meant to go to. I'm proud of the work you have done. Is there anything I can do to help you move this process forward so we are not dealing with a last minute deadline."

The work is to help them break down the process into small manageable tasks. It is so hard to see the forest through the trees, and your senior might get overwhelmed with all the steps. So rather than looking at a few hours of college app work, break it done to 20-30 minute segments over a few weeks. This won't feel as scary.

But truthfully, this whole process sucks for all of you. You will feel annoyed, anxious, and frustrated, but then so will your teen. The good news is if they really do want to go to college, they really will get it done, regardless of all your hucking.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

A High School Senior Tells It Like It Is

Last year I saved an article from the Boston Globe that I wanted to write about. It is by a young woman who was a senior in High School at the time, who wrote this piece to give her perspective of the college application process, especially addressing parents of seniors. I would like to share her article with you. You might want to read it to your High School senior at dinner one night, and ask him/her if they agree, and if there is anything you might do to make their journey through this process any easier. A few weeks ago I wrote a blog "College Bound." This is a perfect companion piece.


So in the words of Laura Detwiler.......

"It's not just the nagging pressure of getting everything done in time. People want to know about my "top choice." Sure, I know plenty of kids who know exactly where they want to go and have that dream school that they've been hoping for since birth. But I don't have one school that screams "YES" every time I hear its name. I'm just not ready to make that commitment. Plus, it opens up a flood of heartbreak. Setting out dreams and aspirations about my top choice is as good as pinning myself to a target. The second that letter comes and its one of those notorious thin envelopes, you have to face everyone you've spoken to and own up to the fact that you didn't get in. Bull's eye-right in the gut.

I don't have a top choice; I don't want to discuss my top choice; I just want to be left alone. We seniors are vulnerable and raw under all this apathetic attitude we front. Don't get me wrong, I am pumped about college.  But that doesn't mean I'm not absolutely terrified. I don't want to talk about where I'm going or how much work I've done on my apps because every time I see that submit button I freak out and go watch  reruns of "The Office." I can't bear to think of being apart from my friends. I don't want to acknowledge that I won't be eating dinner with my family every night.

I'm scared, and I don't know how to handle it.  We all are. But preparing ourselves for college is something each of us has to do alone.Because when we actually get to this school, we're only going to have ourselves to rely on. That's a pretty big deal,  if you ask me. If you really want to be encouraging, ice cream will do just fine."

Below is a story I heard today on NPR. It was with a  specialist on college admissions with advice about what to include in a college essay, and even more importantly, what not to include: The 4 D's Death, Divorce, Disability or Disease. His words not mine. Great information.

http://hereandnow.wbur.org/2013/10/29/perfect-college-essay

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

The First Report Card Of The Year


Just like the first frost that appears on our last surviving plants on the deck announcing the end of summer, so do the first fall report cards appear, announcing another kind of reckoning. Parents hoping that this year will be better, easier, their teen another year older and wiser, having learned from last years lessons, open the envelope with trepidation and anticipation. Some glance quickly, scanning for standout grades in either direction, others take their time, each grade at a time, each comment at a time. Until...THE comment, THAT comment, that when parents read make their veins pop, and their hearts pound. " Johnny is a good student, BUT he is missing 3 homework assignments and because of that his grade is a C instead of a B.

For some parents this might be the first time they have seen this kind of report card from their teen. Perhaps in previous years their kid led a quieter, less social life than other kids, and studying hard and striving for good grades was their true mission. But what is this, where are the A's and B+'s they have grown accustomed to seeing? And then for some parents, who had been hoping for a fresh beginning, a new year full of promise, feel disappointed that its same old same old.

Though your first impulse might be to barge into your kids room, or start in on dealing with this as soon as they step into your car or into the house, I encourage you to take a moment, and take a deep and cleansing breath. You are probably feeling somewhat duped by your teen, having asked over and over and over again: "Did you finish your homework?", and the answer was "YES". You probably asked over and over, "did you make up those missing homework assignments? " And the answer was "YES!"
But here, in living proof is the evidence of that lie. You are storming.

Your kids are expecting the storm. They are primed and ready with excuses, and explanations, and promises for change. Consider this an opportunity to approach this in a new way. Rather than starting the conversation with: "This is what happens when you spend too much time on your phone, and on your computer and with your video games. In this house, schoolwork comes first!  Instead try this: "Hey honey lets go over your report card together. Let him/her read it out loud. After each grade and comment is read, say "so what do you think about what your teacher said and how she graded you?" Refrain and I know that this is really hard, but just let them talk. You might hear some complaining, some "its not my fault the teacher is mean",  and some denial, "I didn't know that was missing." The goal here is to use this report card not as an indictment on bad study habits but as a road map for moving forward.

Using an 'I get it" moment, you might say: "I get first terms are always hard. Getting back into a routine is hard after the summer, and I know keeping up with friends, and sports and all the stuff you like is important to you lets figure out a way for you to do both. If you don't put your teen on the defensive and focus more on I want you to feel successful, you will find them more willing to have a conversation with you, and figure out a plan of action.  This is not about the grades!!! This is about your kids mastering material and developing a curiosity for learning. And this goes for the kids who come home with the straight A report cards. If you focus on the "A" rather than, "I am so proud for all your hard work, and how much you learned this term," you have a kid who is motivated to learn because of the external motivator of making you happy, rather than the power of the learning itself.

Fall is a time for new beginnings. Maybe you can see that your teen has a really hard time settling in and developing good study habits. For kids 6th-9th grade, sometimes hiring a college student as a homework buddy/mentor can be very helpful. This is not a tutor, this is someone who grabs your kid, takes him to your library, helps him get his homework done, and then goes out for an ice cream. It reframes homework from being a lonely, isolating boring experience, to something more to look forward to. Hanging with someone cool, who helps them, and understands them. This also gets you out of the power struggle of getting them to settle down and finish their work. If you are worried that this homework thing is a chronic problem, make sure you communicate regularly with the teacher. E-mailing at the end of the week to find out about missing homework, gives you a leg up on the "I did it" avoidance technique many kids use. (Read post on the homework avoider for more suggestions).  The most important message is not to label your kid as lazy, or unmotivated, this does not change behavior. Providing them with motivation, structure, and understanding does.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

A Teen Party Out Of Control

This is a true story that a brave parent made public about her attempt to have a safe party for her teenage son. There are so so many lessons to be learned from this story.

I won't retell the story, this mom does a great job doing it for herself. So these lessons won't make much sense until you read the story.
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/06/09/trying-and-failing-to-host-an-alcohol-free-teen-party/#postComment

Party Lessons

1. Just because you tell your teen no alcohol and drugs are allowed at the party, doesn't mean there won't BE any drugs and alcohol. And the only way you will know is if you are a presence.

2. Numbers are important. Never have more teens at your home than you can actively supervise. This mom is lucky no drunk teen fell into the pool. Your teen should have to provide you with a list, and entry to the party is always through the front door. Any other exits and entrances to the house should be closely monitored.

3. Teens will stash the booze earlier in the day in shrubs and bushes around the house, so they won't be seen carrying anything in.

4. Understand that teens are impulsive and incredibly motivated to party hearty. Respect for you and your home gets lost in the mayhem.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Its Only A Moment In Time

I was thinking about this the other day. Do you realize that the amount of time you have to enjoy your children is greater after age 18? Most of the years you will enjoy with your children are wayyyy after adolescence! This is important. So lets say that from ages 12-18 feel like the longest 6 years of your life. Your kid(s) challenge every fiber of your being and sanity. You fear for their life on a daily basis, you worry that a missed homework assignment, a bad quiz or test grade could change the outcome of their whole life because they won't get into the honor course or get into the college that you think will influence the rest of their life, or maybe for you it's your teen having friends that seem to have a bad influence on them, or that a boyfriend or girlfriend you dislike means that this will be who they marry. Or perhaps they are your wild child, and the term party hearty was invented just for them. Or maybe your teen is the shy one, and is home with you every weekend watching movies and sulking in their room. Whatever worries you have, they feel scary and huge and forever worries.

Here's the good news. Prior to adolescence you have instilled in your child all the good stuff. Your values, your models on how to treat people, and your love and confidence in them. This doesn't go away even if during Adolescence it looks and feels that way. It has just gone into their virtual hope chest, ready to be retrieved when their search for their own identity calms down.

Think of it this way. Life is like a  metaphorical buffet table. When your kids were young, you went up to the buffet and chose for them, having a sense of what you thought they might like. You chose your family favorites, and items that mimicked things they already liked. But one day, they decided it was time to go up to the buffet table by themselves, and were excited about all the items they had never seen or tasted before. Now, they want to try everything, even those "dishes" you thought they would NEVER like.

They have to try everything before they can settle on those things that they will hang onto for life. Believe me those old family favorites will be among them, as well as some things that are completely unique to their own tastes. And that's a good thing.

Once your kids hit their twenties, the hope chest opens, and their relationship with you changes yet again. All those "mistakes" of adolescence become the thanksgiving and holiday dinner table stories. "Remember that night when you and your friends ........" Let the laughter and reflection begin. Your teen will do some pretty stupid and scary things over the next few years, but trust me, it's only a moment in time!

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

But I Wasn't Drinking!!!!

Here is a straight from the headlines story that all parents should use to talk with their teens. Erin is a 17 year old senior in high school, honor roll student and captain of her Volleyball team. On a Saturday night, Erin got a call from a friend who was drunk at a party and knew that she couldn't drive home. She asked Erin to come and get her. Erin arrived at the party to pick up her friend, just as the police had come after getting a call about this out of control party. Erin was arrested along with the other party guests. Police confirmed that Erin was "alcohol free" but regardless she was stripped of her volleyball captainship and was suspended from play for 5 games. This was devastating for Erin. She had only been helping out a friend. Unfortunately, the town in which Erin lives has a very strict, zero tolerance alcohol and drug policy especially for athletes. Being in the presence of drugs and alcohol is equal to being in possession of illegal substances, hence the severe consequences for Erin. Erin and her parents are suing the town.

This blog is not about fairness and what the town should or shouldn't do. It is a cautionary tale for parents to share with their kids. Sometimes the world is not "fair." For Erin, she was helping out a friend, clearly a responsible act, and her friend, knew it wasn't safe to drive, clearly a responsible act. Both teens were acting responsively, that much is clear. But Erin was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and she is now paying dearly for her act of friendship. Fair or not fair, isn't really helpful right now. Talk about this story with your teen. Make sure you both understand your school policies about drugs and alcohol. Let them know that you are always always always a good starting point when a decision has to made. If a situation like this presents itself for your teen, tell them they should be your first call, whether your teen is the drunk friend in this story, or the responsible friend. Promise to validate their act of responsibility, not punish it, and help them to figure out a strategy that is safe for everyone!!!
http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/2013/10/15/mass-student-opposes-punishment-for-aiding-friend/LCIJFMJXQNi7jeiuDiraqJ/story.html