Why Are You So Annoying????

 Often after my seminars, parents come up to give me a personal greeting. Sometimes I meet parents who have been repeat attenders of my seminar. ( I love that). They tell me that after their first seminar with me they left breathing a sigh of relief. Their kid may have only been 11 or 12, and most of what I said did not apply yet to their relationship with their teen. They report leaving the seminar thinking, oh good, I think we've dodged that teen bullet, our teen doesn't behave at all like Joani said. We must be doing one helluva job!!! Little did they know, that a year or two later, once again sitting in the audience of another of my seminars they would nod their head in agreement and wonder whether I lived in their house as my descriptions of the teen behaviors rang so very true.....now.

I think one of the hardest changes that parents experience with their teen is the abrupt change in their teens behavior towards them. Their teen literally goes  from being open and loving one day, to cold and secretive literally the next day. Parents feel puzzled by this,  questioning what they might have done wrong to ellicit this change. Answer: nothing.

Apparently your teen got the new memo, if you are acting nice to your parents, then stop. It is unseemly for teens to be nice to the "enemy. " Maybe your teen was sitting in the cafeteria, or on the bus, and a bunch of kids were slamming their parents..."man I hate my parents, they never let me do anything." Or maybe, "my parents are so nosy, always looking over my shoulder when I'm on the computer, they are such a pain!" So there your teen is, listening, and wondering, "gee I get along good with my parents, is that bad? And BAM they come home and practice being a "teen." So that may be one explanation.

Here is another. One of the major tasks of adolescence is separation/individuation. The work of developing a personal identity means stepping back from the people who have been the closest and most influential in their lives. How am I like my parents? How am I different from my parents? Where am I in all this? Unfortunately these questions are not consciously being asked in that teen brain of theirs. Instead this new brain is giving them new thoughts they have never thought before. "God my parents are so annoying, I hate the way they dress, eat, talk, think, ask so many questions etc." The truth is, it isn't really about you, it is more the process by which they are trying to figure out what they think, and what they feel. And for all of his/her life they have kind of depended on you to figure that out for them. Now they know that they have to figure this stuff out for themselves. Adolescence is after all, the training period for adulthood.

So when your teen tells you that you are annoying and gives you 'the look", try not to take it personally. A shoulder shrug, and an I love you, should say it all.

Invite me to your company or school and I'll give your audience all the secrets to surviving your teen! For more info"joani@joanigeltman.com    781-910-1770

A Quicki Way To Combat The Daily Stressed Life Of A Teen: No Credit Cards Needed!

 You might be surprised to know that according to the theory of the worst offenders in the stress category, it is the "daily hassles" rather than a major life crisis that causes one to feel the most stressed on any given day. Traffic, being late, pop quizzes, demanding bosses, irritating teens, irritating parents, lines at the supermarket, no parking spaces, speeding tickets, parking tickets, dirty laundry, over scheduled, being rushed, etc, etc, etc. I am sure that you and your teens can build on this list forever. It's not that the big things like report cards, college stuff, financial difficulties, family illness or crisis, marriage and partner issues don't cause us stress, that would be a ridiculous thing to say, but it is the smaller stuff that happens on a daily basis that makes us the most crazy.

The good news is that there is an anecdote to these daily hassles. It is called "uplifts." An uplift is an unexpected pleasant surprise (for me, after a crummy day of hassles, it is stopping by my favorite frozen yogurt store for my fix and finding out that Black Raspberry is the flavor of the day. Honestly that changes everything for me.) Or, an uplift can be something that you know will change the course of your day, and availing yourself of it.

Uplifts can be powerful stuff in the stress relieving department. It can be especially effective to lift your teen out of a particularly bad mood. Two reasons this is important. First, if your teen is in a crummy mood, they will make your life miserable. Just being the supportive, "hey honey, what's wrong" parent usually backfires with a "just leave me alone!" Secondly, it is a good way to teach your teen about managing stress.

So here is how it might work. When you "get" that your teen has had a crappy day, for whatever reason they don't feel like sharing, think about what might be an "uplift" for them and surprise them with it. Maybe it is stepping out to Starbucks at 8:00 PM and bringing them a mochachino latte that you know might put a smile on that face. Or maybe their room is a disaster area, and you surprise them when they get home from an evening practice with a nice cleaned up space. Maybe after a particularly stressful day, you gift them a stay home fake sick day to mellow out and veg. Don't ask what they want, and don't expect anything in return. Those are the rules. The whole point of an uplift, is to give an unexpected "gift" that breaks the negative mood, and then lets them move on.

PS: Do it for yourself too!

PPS: Contact me at joani@joanigeltman.com for info about parent coaching and speaking engagements

High Anxiety: The Rollercoaster Of The College Admission Decision

 Tis the season.....For all of you who have high school seniors, the college acceptance and rejection season is upon you. You are in high anxiety, and your teen is in higher anxiety. This feels like a defining moment for everyone, even though truly....it is not. Admission to college is a little like a shell game these days. Sometimes kids get into the colleges they did not expect, and sometimes they get rejected from a school they thought was a sure thing.  Sometimes kids get into what they thought was their dream school, and by the end of the first semester they are miserable, disillusioned, and can't wait to transfer somewhere else.

Your first job is to monitor your own emotional temperature, and manage your own expectations. Where your senior gets in or doesn't get in does not define him or her or YOU. It does does not make them a genius or a loser. It is a moment in time. I have seen kids go to the school of their dreams and fail miserably, and I have seen kids go to their bottom of the list choice and end up happy, and very successful. Once the initial shock, excitement, or disappointment wears off, as it does by summer when you are in buying for the dorm mode, all will be forgotten except for the excitement of starting college...any college!  If you are more excited than, or more disappointed then your teen, you need to tone it down. Your teen is not in the business of having to meet or not meet your expectations and dreams for them. They have enough to contend with dealing with their own feelings. Talk to your partner, talk to your mother, talk to your friends, but don't impose your emotional agenda on your child. That will truly be the best gift you can give them for graduation!

What you can do is that will be helpful to your perspective college freshman is validate whatever feelings they are having. You don't need to try to make it all better, or tell them what you think they should do or go, you just need to understand and be in THEIR moment with them. As In: "I get this must be exciting for you, or disappointing for you,or frustrating for you, etc, etc" Remember that your teen lives in the emotional part of their brain. So whatever the outcome of this college decision process is, your teen will feel first, think later. Give them the time to do that. There are alot of factors that weigh in on the college decision, $$, location, course offerings, distance from home, but there is time to think about all those things later. Give your teen the time to process, and sit with the results. Maybe even a few weeks before you even start talking about it. You might say;" I get how hard this decision will be for you, I know you have a lot to think about. I want to give you time to just digest before we have to really get on the decision making stick. I am happy to talk with you anytime, but I want you to know that I respect your need to think on it. Let me know how I can help."

And finally, please respect your teen's privacy when it comes to sharing the acceptances or rejections. Maybe your teen could care less who knows and will give you permission to tell the world. But some kids are VERY sensitive about this whole process and absolutely do not want their business shared with the masses. Case in point: I was at my gym last week and over heard a discussion between two moms who were spin class acquaintances, not best friends. Both were going down their teen's list of where they were accepted or rejected. I wondered why that seemed so important to two women who didn't even know or care about each other's kids. I know parents are proud when their kids get into schools that make them proud. Often I see those parents starting off the conversation, just so someone will ask them about their kids. Try not to get into the " My kids better than your kid" state of mind. All of our kids are wonderful, and where they get in or don't get in will not change that!

This is a wonderful op-ed Frank Bruni wrote about this subject:

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/15/opinion/sunday/frank-bruni-how-to-survive-the-college-admissions-madness.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&module=c-column-top-span-region&region=c-column-top-span-region&WT.nav=c-column-top-span-region&_r=0

For parent coaching, or speaking engagement: joani@joanigeltman.com  781-910-1770