tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21851474682966719372024-03-15T18:10:22.997-07:00Joani's parenting tip of the dayjoani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.comBlogger1110125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-74299691171180804572023-09-07T08:32:00.001-07:002023-09-07T08:32:30.768-07:00It's Not What You Say, It's How You Say It<p> I am sure that many of you could complete that sentence, hearing you parents or elderly aunt's voice in your head..."It's not <i>what</i> you say dear, but <i>how</i> you say it." When you heard it, it was probably because you had talked to your elders in a tone that was unacceptable.</p><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin: 0px;">I am sharing this saying with you not so you can teach it to your teens, but to teach to you. Often as parents, much of the "feedback" that we share with our teens is said either in a voice of authority as in " I know better than you, so listen up," or in a voice full of exasperation as in "how many times do we have to go over this..," or in a voice full of judgement.."how could you have...." In all of these examples, most likely the response you get from your teen is to either ignore you, get defensive, or give you attitude. None of these pave the way for meaningful communication or closure.</div><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin: 0px;"> The emotional center of the teen brain is in overdrive most of the time, hence the roller-coaster of emotions you are likely to experience with them just in the course of a single day. Once that Amygdala is in activation and firing, it is pretty hard to shut it down. Think of a stove top burner that has been on high. Once you shut it off, it takes a good amount of time before you can touch it without being burned. Such is the Amygdala of the teenage brain. So one of the goals then, is to not get it activated, especially if you have an end goal in mind for a conversation you want to have with your teen.</div><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin: 0px;">If you blame your teen's over-reaction on biology, rather than on something they have much control over, it frees you up to not blame them, thereby avoiding the double whammy of the actual issue you are concerned over + the aforementioned over-reaction. That is why arguing with your teen is so frustrating. Because you often never really get to discussing the core issue, too busy getting pissed at them for getting pissed at you.</div><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin: 0px;">So what to do. Listen to the sound of your own voice. Would this be THE voice that used to piss you off as a teen? If it is, can you work on saying it another way. Of course my suggestion is to use an "I get it" statement. Rather than starting with a lecture or accusation, think ahead of time of what might have motivated the particular behavior you are now needing to talk about with your teen.</div><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin: 0px;">For example:</div><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin: 0px;">FROM " Get off your damn phone and computer and finish your homework." TO; I get it's important for you to stay in touch with your friends, but we need to figure out a way for you to get work done, and stay in touch with your friends."</div><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin: 0px;">FROM: "If you talk to your brother again like that, I am taking away that damn video game. That kind of disrespect is unacceptable in our family." TO; I get how hard and annoying it is to have a younger brother who always wants to hang with you and use your stuff just when you want to use it. I know he pushes all your buttons, let's figure out a way for you to get your privacy."</div><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin: 0px;">FROM: "I am sick and tired of the absolute mess in your room, you are a slob and are disrespectful of the money we spend so that you can have all these nice clothes." TO: I get cleaning your room is absolutely the last thing on your mind. I know getting ready in the morning is stressful and finding the right outfit means trying on a bunch of stuff and just discarding what isn't right. We gotta figure out a better system."</div><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin: 0px;">At the least, you haven't antagonized your teen to shut down. You are showing him/her that you understand what might be going on, rather than just criticizing them yet again for not doing..x y z. Give it a try, you might be surprised at how well it works!</div><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><br /><br /><br /><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;">PS: Getting my speaking schedule up and running for the 2023-24 year. Email me at joani@joanigeltman.com if you are interested in having me come and present one of my seminars at your school, company, church, temple, community group or on a street corner in your neighborhood!! Or book an Ask The Expert Party. Invite your friends, or the parents of your teen's friends to your house and I'll spend two hours giving you all tips and strategies, geared specifically to your needs. Better Yet, Come to My house for lunch in Holliston,MA for my new program: Let's Have Kitchen Conversation!</div></div>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-28744061152707333942023-08-30T11:49:00.000-07:002023-08-30T11:49:10.610-07:00New Beginnings<p> Over the last three days I have presented my Adolescent Psychology-The Parent Seminar at three different high schools as part of the parent orientation for their entering 9th graders. Every fall when I do this, I am reminded of how exciting and how terrifying this experience can be for the kids.</p><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;">At the first school, the newbies were at a dance in the cafeteria while I held the parents captive in the auditorium. Upper class students were stationed at the door of the cafeteria in two long lines facing each other as the 9th graders walked between them. Think walking a gauntlet. For some of these 9th graders passing between these cool older students was exhilarating. Being cheered on, these teens walked through with great confidence, laughing, and smiling and hi-fiving their way into the caf. For some of the kids, this was pure hell. I watched as a group of four boys, definitely on the awkward side of 14 searched for an alternative means of entry. For them, the thought of being under the scrutiny of these older students, no matter how positive, was excruciating. They huddled, spoke in whispers, and when they realized it was now or never, they kept their heads down, making no eye contact with anyone, and shuffled as fast as they could done the line.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;">At another of the high schools where I presented, the kids and the parents came in together for an introduction of the guidance and advisory staff. Kids sat in the back of the auditorium, parents in the front. What struck me was that though these kids had known each other during their years at the one middle school in this town, it was as if the boys and girls were total strangers. Being 8th graders together was one thing, but now as high schoolers, it seemed as if their history together had been erased. The girls sat on one side, the boys sat on the complete other side, with an entire section of seats between them. They just could not create enough distance. They were starting from scratch, as if to say:" I don't know you, maybe I'll get to know you, maybe not, game on!</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;">The transition to high school for some is the culmination of a dream they have had since they were little, fantasizing about all the high school fantasies kids have. " I am a big kid now.' It's not just the newness of the building that can cause their palms to sweat, but all those fantasies may or may not be realized, and that is terrifying. Will I get a boyfriend or a girlfriend? The clothes I bought are all wrong. Will my old friends still be my friends, or will they think other kids are cooler? I was the best (fill in the blank) in middle school, now there are million other kids who are better than me! When will I ever grow? School used to be so easy for me, not the work is too hard! I thought high school would be the answer to all my problems, but it is just harder.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;">For some it is better than they expected, especially for 9th grade girls. All of sudden they are getting tons of new attention from boys that are finally taller than they are. <i>Their </i>fantasies have been more than realized. Tweets, texts, invitations to party, it is all so perfect. Except that they are still only 14, and mom and dad don't think all this attention from these older boys is as good as she thinks it is.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;">So if your 9th graders come home from school, and gives you the silent treatment, I can assure you it has absolutely nothing to do with you. And don't make it about you. Try not to feel hurt and shut out. Just know that a million thoughts, feelings,and worries are coarsing through their body and their brain, and it is just too hard to sort it all. And when you ask the dreaded questions like: How was school? Do you like your teachers? How was practice? Do you like the kids in your classes? Who did you eat with for lunch? You many not get more than a grunt and a groan, and that is fine. You might just say: 'I get starting high school can be pretty overwhelming, I don't want to bug you with a million questions, but I am here whenever you need me." Also if you must ask questions, rather than asking yes or no ones, which leaves room for a "its fine" said in a grunting tone, and no real information, say "tell me about....." You might actually get some information.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;">Having realistic expectations and understanding that 9th is a transitional year can help get you through this year. Grades might fluctuate, social life may falter, but it's all just a moment in time. There is always next year.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;">PS: Getting my speaking schedule up and running for the 2023-24 year. Email me at joani@joanigeltman.com if you are interested in having me come and present one of my seminars at your school, company, church, temple, community group or on a street corner in your neighborhood!! Or book an Ask The Expert Party. Invite your friends, or the parents of your teen's friends to your house and I'll spend two hours giving you all tips and strategies, geared specifically to your needs. Or better yet, get a group together and come to my home in Holliston for lunch or brunch, and expert parenting advice. I am launching a new program: Let's Have A Kitchen Conversation. I love to cook, and I love working with parents, and I have decided to combine both my passions. Let's do it!!! Call or email for more info. <br /><div></div></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;">joani@joanigeltman.com 781-910-1770</div><div><br /></div>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-15810575861180474202023-03-07T08:46:00.000-08:002023-03-07T08:46:39.616-08:00A Letter To My Teen: I See You<p> A few nights ago while watching the local news, a story aired about a local magnet high school. An important element of relationship building between teachers and students is for teachers at this school to take the time to write personal letters to students that may be struggling with either school or personal issues who might be able to use a lift up, and to express the inspiration this student is for the teacher. They filmed the teachers sharing these letters with their students. These students were surprised, touched, and you could see and feel the light that shone from these kids faces and from their tears about the power of "being seen."</p><p>All of us can feel invisible as we go through our daily life. Many of our personal struggles or personal triumphs we keep to ourselves, not thinking someone else would understand. Showing understanding is probably the the most powerful way to connect with another person</p><p>Living with a teenager can be glorious (yes it can) and hellish. The ups and downs can be nausea producing like the scariest roller coaster you can think of. Unfortunately, because the negatives are often louder, and I mean that both metaphorically and literally, think slammed doors, and screaming fights, the smaller, more subtle successes go unnoticed or fade into the background. I'm not talking here about good grades on a report card, or a turn as the star of the school musical or a great play on the soccer field, but a nice moment with a grandparent or sibling or with you. Maybe a time when your teen was challenged in a new way either academically, or with friends and the frustration gave way to a meaningful resolution. Often these very special moments are so drowned out by the multitude of daily life crisis, that your teen doesn't have the opportunity to integrate them into their developing personal identity:Not " I am someone who can rise to a challenge!" but rather "I get so frustrated and can't do it!" They cannot see the forest through the trees, and they need an objective 3rd party to remind them. Now this is not always easy for parents to do, because maybe your patience has been sorely tested, and those nice moments have slipped by you as well, as you deal with your daily frustrations with your teen.</p><br />Here is a tonic for that frustration. Sit down with an old fashion pen and paper and write your teen a letter that comes straight from the heart. Emphasis the small moments that you either observed or were party to when your teen surprised you, delighted you and reminded you about what a special and unique person he/she is. This will serve two purposes, first to let your teen know that no matter what, no matter how difficult life gets during these teen years, you love and admire them. You are the most important person in your teen's life, and especially if they feel they have disappointed you, a letter like this can totally turn things around. Who doesn't love to be told they are special and wonderful. Write the letter, and leave it on their pillow some night, don't ask or expect anything in return. Because the moment they sit with your words and feel your love in the privacy of their own room will be the best gift you could give. <br /><div><br /></div>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-53835048675536617752023-02-20T13:40:00.003-08:002023-02-20T13:40:59.973-08:00Frustration : The Bridge to success<p> Parents, take this short quiz:</p><ol><li>T F When my kid has a paper to write, I love when I, I mean when he/she gets a good grade.</li><li>T F When my teen is having a problem with a teacher, a friend, a coach or the other "parent" I love to provide the solution to make his/her life easier, and have them benefit from my experience.</li><li>T F When my teen is looking for a job, a summer program, or community service, I do everything I can to help by calling everyone I know.</li><li>T F Now that my teen is ready for the college process, I do all the research about the colleges, visits, and requirements, because I know how busy my teen is.</li><li>T F When my teen doesn't know how to do something, I love telling him/her how to do it, because I know they appreciate and expect my help.</li></ol>So, how did you do?? If you even had one "T" you might unknowingly be preventing your teen from developing resourcefulness and resilience, two personality traits that are present in very successful adults. Getting straight "A"s", graduating at the top of the class, or even going to an Ivy League college is not what guarantees success in life.<br /><br />Most teens demand to be in charge of their social life, not wanting help from you at all. But when it comes to the parts of their life, they feel less confident in, they may demand your help. And what parents doesn't love it, when your teen asks for your help. It's like a drug. It may not happen often, but when it does, you are primed and ready for action. If feeds your need to feel like a competent and supportive parent, especially if your relationship with your teen has been going through a rocky spell. But what makes kids feel confident and competent is moving past frustration to success.<br /><br />Think of it this way. Perhaps recently you bought a coffee table for your family room from IKEA. In the store the table looked pretty simple to put together; A few slabs of wood, some glass, a couple of screws and bolts...piece of cake!! Then you get the big brown box home, enthusiastically throw all the stuff on the floor, with the expectation you will have your beautiful table up and usable in an hour or so. 5 hours later, sweat pouring off your brow, swears emanating from your mouth, you kick the stupid wood, throw the screws against the wall, ready to "cry uncle". You get up, stomp around your house, curse IKEA and the directions that seem to be written for someone with a PHD in engineering, and then you get back down on the floor, and start again. And finally, because the only choice was to figure out how to put the damn table together, the table comes together, almost magically. And you stand up, puffed up with pride and look at your "baby". And every time a new person walks into your house, and they compliment you on your cool coffee table, you say proudly.. I put that table together. And honestly it feels as important to you as almost anything else you have accomplished in your life. And why is that? Is is because you persisted through your frustration, your feeling of incompetence and what felt like the impossible, to your ultimate success. It is a feeling you don't forget.<br /><br />When you solve your teen's problems for them, even if they ask you too, when you give into their frustration because it feels unbearable to you, you take away the opportunity for them to have their IKEA moments. The ability to delay gratification, develop frustration tolerance, and figure it out, is something that will follow them all the way through their life. Through relationships that go through hard times, to jobs that aren't working out the way they anticipated, money problems, housing issues, and their own ability to parent. An A in English will not be helpful in those situations. There is truly nothing more important to teach your teens than the ability to accept and deal with disappointment, that they can't have or do anything they want to have or do just because they want it, or that when something feels just too hard, that you will rescue them from their pain.<br /><br />So the next time they come to you for help, start first with a "so what do YOU think you should do? The process will take a lot longer, but when you can say to your teen, I am really proud of you,I know that was really hard for you to do, but you stuck with it, and "just look at your table!<div><br /></div><div><b>Book one of my seminars for your school, your organization or your company</b></div><div>Adolescent Psychology-The ParentVersion</div><div>Teen Social Networking: Putting On The Breaks</div><div>Alcohol ,Drugs and Vaping: How your teens unique personality interacts with risk taking behavior</div><div>Joani's Top Ten Parenting Tips</div><div>Sibling Rivalry</div><div>College Bound, How to help your teen with the emotional ups and downs of the college process</div><div>joani@joanigeltman.com</div><div>781-910-1770</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-13623050190627861552023-02-16T07:54:00.000-08:002023-02-16T07:54:12.144-08:00Giving Comfort To Your Kids In These Very Scary Times<p> I don't know about you, but it seems every day brings some new terrifying event; school shootings, hurricanes, tornados, train derailments, fires, mass shootings, political decisions that affect the very way we live our lives, and of course let's not forget a pandemic that has taken over our lives for the last 3 years! Sometimes it just feels like too much. Not to mention our own life crises. At least we as adults have years of life living as adults, so that we have a long term perspective on how to cope. Your teens do not have the benefit of experience. They haven't lived long enough to really accumulate the understanding that bad things often have a way of resolving, or that you know at least your feelings do.</p><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin: 0px;">Last week while teaching my college course on human development I asked my 60 students for a raise of their hands of who doesn't feel safe in this world. To my absolute astonishment, almost every hand went up! I guess in my own naïveté, I expected a few hands to go up, but not every hand. I asked what they do to feel safe. The young women who make up the majority of my two classes opened up their purses to show me their pepper spray, their key chains with alarms, and how they hold a key between their fore and middle fingers WHENEVER they are walking in case someone tries to attack them so they can poke them in the eye. </div><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin: 0px;">This is not the world I grew into adulthood in. I felt free to go anywhere, do anything, take risks, leave home joyously, and use this stage of life to enjoy freedom, mostly from parents and other authority figures. That's what adolescence is all about. In our world, independence is a scary word. The safety of home, and I mean absolute emotional and physical safety, for these kids, means home. I asked my students if this lack of feeling safe contributes to the decisions they make about their life. And they universally said it absolutely does. I had noticed over the last few years how most of my students are extremely connected to their homes and families, in a way I had never see in over 30 years of college teaching. I see students going home most weekends, and choosing to stay very close to home as graduation plans are being made.</div><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin: 0px;">This is all to say, that your kids are living in a world in which fear and anxiety live with them every day. I literally cried on my way home after teaching, feeling so sad that these kids, and from what I am reading, most kids are living this life of fear and anxiety. <br /><br />Have you ever been in the midst of a really stressful situation that you know has no easy solution, and you call your best friend/mother/father/husband/wife knowing that just hearing their voice will make you feel better. Turns out that in fact a calming voice actually effects your body's hormonal stress responses in a positive way. In a recent study of teens, scientists wanted to see which form of communication with moms (sorry dads you were left out of this study) would help their teen feel better. After having exposed teens to a stressful situation, each teen was exposed to a different form of communication support from their moms; interaction in person, interaction over the phone, interaction over the computer/texts, or no interaction at all. Girls who experienced in person, or over the phone communication, in other words, an actual human voice showed a marked reduction in stress hormones. Those whose moms e-mailed, or sent texts showed stress hormone levels that were just as high as if the teens had had no interaction at all.</div><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin: 0px;">Why does this matter, because there is no substitution for human interaction. Texting, and e-mailing are good for sharing information, but when it comes to really impacting someone's life, you actually have to say something. Often times parents will tell me that most of their communication is coming in the form of texting to their kids, even when they are in the same house! Fearful of simple conversations turning into arguments, parents are resorting to R U OK sent as a text.</div><div style="margin: 0px;"><br />Unfortunately, we live in a world now where scary things happen on a daily basis. It's always a good thing to acknowledge, with your kids these events. Believe me, they already know about them! They may be thinking but not talking about them. You might say " oh that shooting at Michigan state was so terrible, or that shooting of college students in Idaho so terrifying, how are you feeling about them? So when you sense that your teen is feeling (there is just no substitute for parent intuition) is stressed by situations ,real or imagined. and expectations both socially and academically, you can safely assume your teen will need to hear your voice. They don't need you to solve their problems, they just need you to know that they have them. If they seem a little sad, lost, and anxious rather than asking "what's wrong?", maybe just a hug and a "you seem a little overwhelmed, anxious,sad, just want to say I love you." That calm and loving voice can go a long way to make them feel just a little better. The science says so!</div>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-22177484795997191152023-02-02T07:35:00.000-08:002023-02-02T07:35:09.210-08:00When You're Teen Feels Excluded<p> When you're a parent of a teen, one of the hardest and most heartbreaking things is seeing your teen be left out or excluded from events with kids he/she is friends with or thought they were friends with. A parent called me the other day worried about her 13 year old daughter. Like most girls her age she had her posse of four "besties." After school it seems a delegate from this elite group was chosen to deliver the message. No mincing of words here, "we don't like you anymore." There is no more brutal assault. The daughter was bereft, sobbing and humiliated vowing never to return to school. The mom, feeling every bit as much pain as her daughter wanted to do <i>something</i>, to fix it. "Should I call the school, should I call the parents of the other girls, what should I do?" she asks feeling desperate to make it "all better."</p><br />There is a simple answer. Nothing. There is honestly nothing a parent can do to make this better. Best friends on Monday, enemies on Tuesday, best friends again by Friday. There is no rhyme or reason for this fickleness. Kids in middle school are especially susceptible to this jockeying for friends. They are in the midst of going to what I call the "buffet of friends." In elementary school, friends are often chosen by default. Perhaps your best friend has kids the same age, and by default your kids become "best friends." Or maybe your neighborhood is full of kids the same age, and since kindergarten they have been hanging at the bus stop together, taking the bus together, and getting off the bus together and by default end up at each others' house after school, so easy. Think of this like taking your kids to a Chinese buffet. When they are young and overwhelmed by the options, you make their plate up with those things they will eat, chicken wings, fried rice and spare ribs. Now as they get older, they go up to the buffet themselves and are astounded and excited about all the choices, and are anxious to give them a try. Choosing friends in middle school and again in 9th and 10th grade is like going to the buffet for the first time. Wow, look at all these options. I think I would like to try this friend, or that friend.<br /><br />This means that some kids will do the leaving, and some kids will be left behind. Now that these teen brains are working on overtime, they are thinking more deeply about who these people are they call friends. Whereas in elementary school they only need a warm body for "playing", now they look for friends to talk to, and to share common interests with. They are less interested in what you have to play with and more with what do you have to offer me? Do I like your personality? Are you too quiet, too loud, to bossy too pretty, not pretty enough? etc etc. Are you fun, do we like to do the same things together? Often in middle school and then again in 9th grade, some kids are ready to transition to more teenagery like behaviors, partying, experimentation with the opposite sex, drugs and alcohol, while some kids are happy with less riskyish behavior.<br /><br />All this is a set up for feelings of betrayal and exclusion. It is painful, and the good news, is they will get over it. As for your role, there is not much more to do than understanding their pain, and providing tons of TLC. If you insinuate yourself into these friend dynamics you will regret it. Perhaps you have never liked the girl who has just defriended your daughter, and you tell her so. Thinking you are making it better, you wax on and on about what a bad friend this girl has been, and good bye to bad rubbish! The only problem with this is that the next day, when the girls have made up, your daughter now knows you hate this kid, and will never talk to you again about her.<br /><br />I talked to a mom recently about this at one of my "Ask The Expert" parties whose daughter was experiencing all these friend complications. She said that her daughter would come to her crying and in her effort to make her feel better would try to solve the problem for her, by giving her all kinds of strategies. The daughter, not looking for help, just a shoulder to cry on, then gets angry at mom for interfering. Thats' what I am saying. Stay out of it!!!!! Your kids need to learn to figure this all out for themselves. Obviously if it is more of a bullying situation, it may require a different strategy, but if it is old-fashioned cat-fighting, just let it be. Your kids will have a lifetime of friendships for which they are now in training. It's a bit like basic training. In the beginning, you never think you'll get through it, and then you get stronger and smarter, and you get better at figuring it all out. Just be patient, they'll have to sweat a little.<br /><br />Now having just told you to mind your own business, I do have one caveat. A parent recently told me of this situation. Her daughter went to a friend's house with 7 other girls for a weekend night "girl party." It seems that this girl cherry picked 5 of the girls to sleep over and left the other two out of the sleepover. As you can imagine, those two girls felt like s**t. It didn't seem like the host's mom had any idea this had happened. If your kid has a group of friends over, there should be a proportion rule. In the example above, the parents should have been aware of the situation from the beginning, knowing who was invited for the sleepover. In a large group of 7, I get that all the girls sleeping over might have been too much, but 5 out of 7 is just too exclusionary. Have a rule in your home about sleepovers that states, either everyone or just 1. It would make sense the host girl wanted someone with her to finish out her fun night with the girls. I think all the girls could have understood the one rule, but they didn't understand the 5 and not you two rule. Your teens might need some of this kind of help. You won't choose the sleepover friend, but you can teach them about inclusion!<br /><br /><div>PS: Booking now for spring: Let's Have A Kitchen Conversation. Come to my house for lunch and 2 hours of "Ask The Expert" Put your own group together, organizer comes for free!!! for more info joani@joanigeltman.com 781-910-1770</div>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-90648042303752018822023-01-25T08:22:00.001-08:002023-01-25T08:22:13.202-08:00The Perils Of Back Seat parenting<p> I was working out at my Gym over the weekend, huffing and puffing my way through some sit-ups while a small group training class was taking place around me. In this group of 5 was a dad and his teenage son. Oh, I thought, how lovely that the're sharing this time together doing something they both love to do. Well it turns out, I think it was just the dad who loves working out. I only surmised this after ogling his very ripped and toned body!!! Hey I'm only human! The son it turns out, not ripped and toned. Tall and skinny and clearly suffering through this workout at the behest of his dad. The trainer was a great guy; enthusiastic, supportive and doing his best to be this boy's cheerleader. The dad on the hand, grunting and groaning through his own lifts with some major wight poundage, still managed to yell out to his son going through his own workout; " use your abs!!!! and "lift don't swing those weights." As you can imagine, this boy/man now beat red in the face, rolled his eyes, and glared menacingly at his dad. The bubble over his head saying: "You know who I'd like to swing these weights at?????"</p><br />You are all good at something. And you hope, wish, and pray that maybe your kids will be good at the same things you're good at. Isn't that the circle of life? Maybe it all works out that way, but usually not, and especially not when your kids are teenagers. The last thing they want, is to be any which way at all like you!<br /><br />Perhaps writing is your thing, and you are an editor extraordinaire; your teen's in-house managing editor. But believe me, your teen is shaking in his Adidas when you walk in the room asking to see his latest writing assignment. Feeling inadequate, measured against your experience and writing finesse, he has only written a few sentences, and you balk at his procrastination. Or perhaps you are a math wizard, and your teen's frustration tolerance for challenging math homework rivals a two year old's tantrums. And your frustration over their lack of understanding drives you mad.<br /><br />Maybe you are a tennis(insert any sport you love) enthusiast, and have had your teen in tennis clinics since they were old enough to hold a racket. You have dreamed of these teenage years when you can get on the court together and play ball! You have so much to offer and teach, and believe me you do!! "take a full swing, throw the ball higher when you serve, run goddamn it, you could have gotten that volley!" Sounds like fun to me.<br /><br />Get the point? The quickest way to squash enthusiasm in your teen is by offering your unsolicited "feedback."You have got to tread lightly in the coaching department. If they have actual coaches than let them do the work, and be the supportive cheerleader. Let their teachers do their job, and understand with your teen their frustration and their worry about being good enough, rather than adding to their worry about being good enough..for you. Adolescence is a time of life when defining themselves, their strengths, their weaknesses is a huge challenge. They are feeling enough of their own-self imposed pressure and expectations. Living up to yours should not be more important than living up to their own.joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-37497301230888561622023-01-17T10:04:00.003-08:002023-01-17T10:42:01.818-08:00Getting To Know The Person Your Teen Is Becoming<p> I think what I have loved most about parenting, is what my daughter has taught me, rather than what I have taught her. She has challenged my thinking, helped me to get out of my comfort zone and venture into interests and passions I didn't know I had. I am 71 (I'm old) but I still am in the process of "becoming." Your teen is heavy into their development of identity. Their world is getting bigger, they are having many new experiences and relationships that may challenge how they previously saw the world. I'm jealous, oh what I would have told my 17 yer old self in 1969!!! The world truly is their oyster, and they may or may not be moving in a direction that you had anticipated or feel comfortable with. As a parent that may feel disappointing, frustrating, and cause you worry. But if you can stay open to the process, and live in a state of some discomfort, your emerging adult may surprise you with their journey and with your support, have you share in it. Push too hard for them to follow the expectations you have for them, and you will be shut out of an exciting and rewarding part of being a parent. </p><p>Last night I watched a movie on Netflix call <b>Dog Gone!</b> I'll put it right out there it is a sappy, tear jerker of a movie. Actually not the genre I'm really into, but I love a good dog movie, and gave myself a streaming vacation from deep, dark, and depressing!! Anyway, young man, adorable dog, parents who at first don't get it, lost dog, found dog, father and son journey, mother reliving her own past losses, it covers all the bases! Keep a tissue box close by, I was a sobbing mess. There is a happy ending, and it is based on a true story, which is how I rationalized watching it in the first place. </p><p>Ok, I think for parents of teens and college students this is a must watch. And if your kids will watch it with you, even better! This young man, just graduated from college is not living up to his parents expectations, and there is a growing riff between this young man and his family. I see this kind of disconnection a lot with the parents I work with. The process of understanding who their son is, and how he chooses to live his life and live the values and passions that are uniquely his, is a good roadmap for all families.</p><p>So grab a box of tissues, and enjoy your ugly cry!!!</p>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-21144606939742836522023-01-10T08:42:00.002-08:002023-01-10T08:42:53.754-08:00A High School Senior Wants You To Know How Hard The College Process Is!<p> I saved an article from the Boston Globe that I wanted to write about. It is by a young woman who was a senior in High School at the time, who wrote this piece to give her perspective of the college application process, especially addressing parents of seniors. I would like to share her article with you. You might want to read it to your High School senior at dinner one night, and ask him/her if they agree, and if there is anything you might do to make their journey through this process any easier.</p><br /><br />So in the words of Laura Detwiler.......<br /><br />"It's not just the nagging pressure of getting everything done in time. People want to know about my "top choice." Sure, I know plenty of kids who know exactly where they want to go and have that dream school that they've been hoping for since birth. But I don't have one school that screams "YES" every time I hear its name. I'm just not ready to make that commitment. Plus, it opens up a flood of heartbreak. Setting out dreams and aspirations about my top choice is as good as pinning myself to a target. The second that letter comes and its one of those notorious thin envelopes, you have to face everyone you've spoken to and own up to the fact that you didn't get in. Bull's eye-right in the gut.<br /><br />I don't have a top choice; I don't want to discuss my top choice; I just want to be left alone. We seniors are vulnerable and raw under all this apathetic attitude we front. Don't get me wrong, I am pumped about college. But that doesn't mean I'm not absolutely terrified. I don't want to talk about where I'm going or how much work I've done on my apps because every time I see that submit button I freak out and go watch reruns of "The Office." I can't bear to think of being apart from my friends. I don't want to acknowledge that I won't be eating dinner with my family every night.<br /><br />I'm scared, and I don't know how to handle it. We all are. But preparing ourselves for college is something each of us has to do alone.Because when we actually get to this school, we're only going to have ourselves to rely on. That's a pretty big deal, if you ask me. If you really want to be encouraging, ice cream will do just fine."<div><br /></div><div>PS Taking reservation for <b>Let's Have A Kitchen Conversation! </b>2 hours of food, fun and parenting advice at my home!! call or email for more info. Put your group together and let's eat! joani@joanigeltman.com 781-910-1779</div>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-28345358445069075812023-01-04T07:42:00.001-08:002023-01-04T07:42:09.924-08:00Is It A Bad Day, or Is It Depression? With Teens it's Hard To Tell<p> I have had a number of calls recently from parents worried about their teen, trying to figure out whether their teen is just having growing pains, or is in a real depression. Teens love to dump on their parents, giving them their most angry, their most sad, their most anxious and fearful feelings. This is the good news. Think of it as colic. When the bad stuff gets expelled, then sleep and peace can come...until the next time.</p><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin: 0px;">Teens are feeling their feelings in ways they have never experienced them before. The intensity comes from an adolescent brain that is over activated in the area responsible for emotion, and literally from having some of these feelings for the first time. Without experience and a history that would have given them a game plan to deal with these feelings that are overwhelming, they are vulnerable to feeling like they might never go away. The first break-up, a humiliation on a soccer field, or a stage, the embarrassment of doing something or saying something impulsively stupid in front of your peers, the disappointment that someone you like doesn't like you back, the worry that they are disappointing you in some way, or any one of a million other things can feel like a catastrophe.</div><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin: 0px;">So your kid comes to you in a rage, in a tantrum, sobbing uncontrollably and you feel helpless. But they<i> are</i> coming to you. Like a sponge, you absorb every drop of emotion. You can't sleep, you can't eat, you live with a pit in your stomach that your kid is in pain. But here is the thing, now that they have dumped it all on you and you have so graciously sopped it all up, they are free to go out and enjoy life again. Rinse and repeat!</div><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin: 0px;">When is it time to worry? The dumping is a good sign. The emotion is a good sign. They are working it out. It may be hard on you, but at least they have an outlet. The worry should start, if they are not talking, isolating themselves, and really seem to have lost the up and down nature of teen life. Up and down is good. Staying down is not. If you see your teen spending increasing amounts of time alone, in their room, avoiding family and friends, you might say something like this: " I have noticed recently that you seem more down than usual. You seem to be spending a lot of alone time in your room away from us and your friends. I get life can be complicated and difficult and sometimes overwhelming, and you might like just getting away from it all. I used to do that to sometimes. But I worry that you are not giving yourself a chance to talk about it. If you don't want to talk to us, I understand, maybe it would be helpful to talk to a counselor. I don't want to bug you, but I love you, and want you to work out what seems to be bothering you. I'll check back in with you in a few days, and we can talk about a plan." You will probably get a "leave me alone!" but don't let that deter you. Keep checking in, and letting them know that you are concerned. Eventually, you may just have to make an appointment and make them get in the car.</div><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin: 0px;">Seeing your teen be in pain is the worst. Giving them a safe haven to express it is a gift.</div><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="margin: 0px;">PS: Get a group of your friends together and come to my house for lunch!!!! <b>Let's Have A Kitchen Conversation</b> is my new baby! I love to cook and I love meeting with parents to give them expert advice. email or call for more info: joani@joanigeltman.com or 781-910-1770</div>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-89947361252819134352022-12-26T08:16:00.000-08:002022-12-26T08:16:01.283-08:00The 12 Days Of School Vacation<p><span style="font-size: large;">Enjoy this time together!!! Happy Holidays ! Hopefully you'll have some laughs with this ditty, and thank yourself for all that you do for your kids!!</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">On the first day of vacation my kids gave to me: <span style="text-align: center;">mornings free of "get up you're going to be late.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">On the second day of </span>vacation<span style="font-family: inherit;"> my kids gave to me: </span></span><span style="text-align: center;">2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">On the third day of vacation my kids gave to me:the back to school of </span></span><span style="text-align: center;">3 ride requests, </span><span style="text-align: center;">2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: center;">On the fourth day of vacation my kids gave to me: </span><span style="text-align: center;">4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, </span><span style="text-align: center;">3 ride requests, </span><span style="text-align: center;">2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="text-align: center;">On the fifth day of vacation my kids gave to me: </span><span style="text-align: center;">5 minutes of peace, </span><span style="text-align: center;">4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, </span><span style="text-align: center;">3 ride requests, </span><span style="text-align: center;">2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="text-align: center;">On the sixth day of vacation my kids gave to me: </span><span style="text-align: center;">6 kids sleeping in the basement, </span><span style="text-align: center;">5 minutes of peace, </span><span style="text-align: center;">4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, </span><span style="text-align: center;">3 ride requests, </span><span style="text-align: center;">2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="text-align: center;">On the seventh day of vacation my kids gave to me: </span><span style="text-align: center;">7 hours of playing video games, </span><span style="text-align: center;">6 kids sleeping in the basement, </span><span style="text-align: center;">5 minutes of peace, </span><span style="text-align: center;">4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, </span><span style="text-align: center;">3 ride requests, </span><span style="text-align: center;">2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="text-align: center;">On the eighth day of vacation my kids gave to me: </span><span style="text-align: center;">8 different plans for New Years Eve, </span><span style="text-align: center;">7 hours of playing video games, </span><span style="text-align: center;">6 kids sleeping in the basement, </span><span style="text-align: center;">5 minutes of peace, </span><span style="text-align: center;">4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, </span><span style="text-align: center;">3 ride requests, </span><span style="text-align: center;">2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="text-align: center;">On the ninth day of vacation my kids gave to me: </span><span style="text-align: center;">9 texts of "can I stay out a little longer,"</span><span style="text-align: center;">8 different plans for New Years Eve, </span><span style="text-align: center;">7 hours of playing video games, </span><span style="text-align: center;">6 kids sleeping in the basement, </span><span style="text-align: center;">5 minutes of peace, </span><span style="text-align: center;">4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, </span><span style="text-align: center;">3 ride requests, </span><span style="text-align: center;">2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"</span></span></p><div><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="text-align: center;">On the tenth day of vacation my teens gave to me: </span><span style="text-align: center;">10 straight hours of sleeping, </span><span style="text-align: center;">9 texts of "can I stay out a little longer,"</span><span style="text-align: center;">8 different plans for New Years Eve, </span><span style="text-align: center;">7 hours of playing video games, </span><span style="text-align: center;">6 kids sleeping in the basement, </span><span style="text-align: center;">5 minutes of peace, </span><span style="text-align: center;">4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, </span><span style="text-align: center;">3 ride requests, </span><span style="text-align: center;">2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up, you're going to be late"</span></span></div><div><span style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="text-align: center;">On the eleventh day of vacation my kids gave to me: </span><span style="text-align: center;"><b>11</b> moans of vacation is too short, </span><span style="text-align: center;"><b>10</b> straight hours of sleeping,<b> </b></span><span style="text-align: center;"><b>9</b> texts of "can I stay out a little longer,"</span><span style="text-align: center;"><b>8</b> different plans for New Years Eve,<b> </b></span><span style="text-align: center;"><b>7</b> hours of playing video games, </span><span style="text-align: center;"><b>6</b> kids sleeping in the basement,<b> </b></span><span style="text-align: center;"><b>5 </b>minutes of peace, </span><span style="text-align: center;"><b>4</b> hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, </span><span style="text-align: center;"><b>3</b> ride requests,<b> </b></span><span style="text-align: center;"><b>2</b> loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"</span></span></div><div><span style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">And at the end of vacation, my kids gave to me: LEAVE ME ALONE, I'M GETTING UP!!!!</span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div><p><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></p><div style="margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div></div><div style="margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><div><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><div><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><div><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><div><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><div><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-6235789779499839372022-12-20T06:40:00.000-08:002022-12-20T06:40:36.559-08:00Getting past the grunt: Tips on having a "real" conversation with your teen<p><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span><span face="Times-Roman, serif">This may be your version of conversations with your teen:</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> YOU YOUR TEEN<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;">"How was your day?" Fine<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;">"What did you do?" <span> <span> <span> </span></span></span>Nothing<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;">"Do you have homework?" <span> <span> <span> </span></span></span>Yes <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;">"How did you do on your quiz? <span> <span> <span> </span></span></span>Fine<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;">What are doing today/tonight? <span> <span> <span> </span></span></span>Don't know<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;">Is Everything OK? <span> <span> <span> </span></span></span>It's fine!!!!!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;">These are such unsatisfying interactions for parents. What you are craving for, dying for, down on your knees begging for, is some small nugget, some essence of what your teen's life is really like. Asking yes/no questions won't get you there. I guarantee it! You have a checklist and you systematically go through it question by question with your teen, hoping and praying you’ll find out something about his day, and his life. But unfortunately, you get NADA! But does that deter you to stop the interrogation? No! You just keep asking more and more questions. Why is that? Because parents are desperate for information. You have become complete information junkies about your kids. Starting in preschool, your kids’ teachers sent home cute little notes in the lunchbox, describing the quality and quantity of their poops, the lunch remains so you could keep tabs on the day’s calorie count, how many minutes the nap lasted and the progress of their social networking (i.e. who they played with and the frequency of hitting and biting.) Then in elementary school, your kids fed your addiction by providing you with every tiny morsel of information about every minute of their lives, to the point where you had information overdose and wished they would just shut up! Now that your kids are teens, your position has changed. You have lost some of your executive privileges, such as information and access on demand. They no longer want to tell you everything, and they resent your constant badgering. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;">Here are some conversation openers. But timing is everything. If your teen has just woken up, just walked in the door or gotten into the car with you, beware! Teens need time to make transitions between sleep time and wake time, friends and home or school and home. Remember when they were babies, and they had just woken from a nap and were cranky, or you took them to a family party, and they clung to your legs until they got acclimated...well it's kinda the same thing now. Give them some time to acclimate to the change in scenery before you try to engage them in conversation. And when you do.....<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-left: 0.5in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-pagination: none; tab-stops: 11.0pt list .5in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span dir="LTR"></span><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;">Don't ask a yes/no question unless that is the kind of answer you are looking for.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-left: 0.5in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-pagination: none; tab-stops: 11.0pt list .5in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span dir="LTR"></span><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;">Using starters like How was.... are too easy to be answered with a one word grunt. (see above)<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-left: 0.5in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-pagination: none; tab-stops: 11.0pt list .5in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span dir="LTR"></span><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;">Try starting with a "tell me about.." but with something more specific than general. For example: "So tell me, what was the hardest part of your quiz today? I know I used to hate those fill in the blank questions..... “VS “how was your quiz?" Give them an example of the kind of information you are looking for. Honestly, many teens have a hard time distilling all the input from their day and putting it into words. That's usually why they give you the one-word answers like "fine"<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-left: 0.5in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-pagination: none; tab-stops: 11.0pt list .5in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span dir="LTR"></span><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;">Start with a statement rather than a question. For example: God, you are taking so many different classes this year, so much work, which homework is easiest to get started with? VS How much homework do you have?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-left: 0.5in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-pagination: none; tab-stops: 11.0pt list .5in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span dir="LTR"></span><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;">Use humor, and friendly sarcasm. When you are too serious, your teen senses your neediness for answers and will do anything and everything to fend you off?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-left: 0.5in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-pagination: none; tab-stops: 11.0pt list .5in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span dir="LTR"></span><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;">Instead of a face-to-face questioning session. Go out for ice cream, bring up a snack to their room, watch a TV show, play a video game with them, and in a nonchalant way, at the commercial, or while you’re driving or during the game say: “So, What’s up? You seem a little down today, or angry or overwhelmed.” Telling them what you see, rather than asking directly what’s wrong, can open things up. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;">As you know from watching two many bad interviews on television getting someone to open up is an art form. Just ask Oprah!<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; line-height: 24px;"><span face="Times-Roman, serif" style="line-height: 24px;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p><style class="WebKit-mso-list-quirks-style">
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</style>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-66253031084917207682022-12-12T07:30:00.003-08:002022-12-12T07:32:00.938-08:00GOING BACK TO SCHOOL: WHAT COLLEGE FRESHMAN HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THEIR PARENTS!<p><span style="font-family: verdana;"> Each semester I ask my 60 freshman college students to reflect on their life as teens prior to college. I asked them to complete these two statements: I wish my parents had..., and I am glad that my parents.....After each statement, I've got something to say(in italics)! Of course I do! I have narrowed them down to the 5 most frequent responses.</span></p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span><ul><li><span style="font-family: verdana;"><b>I wish my parents knew how much I actually loved and respected them instead of taking my mistakes personally. </b><i>Too often parents see themselves reflected in their kids, both in their triumphs, and in their downfalls. Whatever your teen accomplishes or doesn't accomplish is on them! If they do well it doesn't mean you are the greatest parent in the world, and if they fail, it doesn't mean you are the worst parent in the world. Cause guess what? It isn't always about you! </i></span></li></ul><div><br /></div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span><ul><li><span style="font-family: verdana;"><b>I wish my parents had understood how scared I was about my future in high school, and the pressure I felt to succeed.</b><i> I know how worried parents get about their teens future. Your teens feel your worry, and your disappointment</i>. <i>Layered on that is their own worry and disappointment when they don't do as well as they want, even when they know it's their own fault. When they are worried and scared and disappointed, it often shows itself with anger and attitude. That is much easier to express then shame and doubt. Try to see through it! </i> <b> </b></span></li></ul><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /><br /></span><ul><li><span style="font-family: verdana;"><b>I wish my parents hadn't compared me with my other siblings, and pressured me to meet their high standards. We are not the same. </b>Another student said on the same topic: <b>I wish my parents understood that I am not following in my brother's</b><i> </i><b>footsteps. I 'm not going to do everything like him. I am going to make my own mistakes. </b><i>All children are not created equal. You may think that you treat all your kids equally, but those kids who don't measure up to what they believe the family standard is may always feel not good enough unless you make a supreme effort to make them think otherwise. </i> <b> </b></span></li></ul><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span><ul><li><span style="font-family: verdana;"><b>I wish my parents had understood how their divorce effects me today. They tried to drag me in the middle, and I always felt I had to fend for myself. </b><i>Families face all kinds of crisis. Divorce, chronic illness, financial worries, moves away from friends, all manner of life events. Teens are resilient, they can handle alot, but they need the adults in their life to have realistic expectations. When you are overwhelmed with your stress it can overshadow what your kids might be experiencing. They are not good at talking about it, and it may look as if they have it all under control. Trust me, they don't! </i><b> </b></span></li></ul><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /><br /></span><ul><li><span style="font-family: verdana;"><b>I wish my parents had been more aware of the mistakes I was making in high school by paying more attention and helping me. </b>and another student:<b>I wish my parents had been more aware of my relationship so I had someone to talk to when things got physical and bad. </b>and another student: <b>I wish my parents had understood I wanted them to push me harder through school/soccer. </b>and another student:<b> I wish my parents had pushed me to try new things, ie sports, clubs, or summer camp. </b>and another student: <b>I wish my parents had pushed me more to want to get better grades, and to care more about school work.</b> and another student: <b>I wish my parents had taught me better homework study habits and were more involved academically.</b><i> I could go on here, there are many more statements on this theme. I bet what these students are saying is surprising. Because I'm sure every time you go into your teen's room to make sure they are doing their homework, they give you the evil eye. Well guess what, when they get to college and no one is giving them the evil eye they often don't get their work done. Don't stop bugging them, just cause they tell you to. They need you to help them integrate good study habits. Too much instagram and tic tock, too much texting, too much distraction. They also want you to push them a little harder to help them find something that will give them a feeling of accomplishment, especially if it isn't school. Don't let them off the hook easily when it comes to after-school expectations. Sometimes it's not that they don't want to do anything, they just can't figure out what the something should be. Bottom line, though they tell you to get out of their lives, they don't really mean it. </i></span></li></ul><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Perhaps you are feeling a bit discouraged after reading my students write about all the things they wish their parents had done differently to prepare them for the rest of their life. Here is the good news, there are many things their parents did right and that they are grateful for. </span><span style="font-family: verdana;">You know there is always yin and yang. Personal growth is a gift we give to ourselves!!! And hopefully by modeling we give that gift to our kids!!</span></div><span style="font-family: verdana;"></span><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /><br /><b>I'm glad my parents:</b><br /><br /></span><ul><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Didn't punish me every time I made a mistake or got a bad grade.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Were honest, and didn't pretend that they were perfect teenagers.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Taught me to work for what I wanted instead of just expecting to get it.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Were always there for me.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Taught me about taking personal responsibility while still providing a support system.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Made me get a job.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Didn't embarrass me in public or with my friends.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Told me how proud they were of me.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Gave me space when necessary.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Have always been supportive and accepted my choices even if they disagreed.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Limited TV and computer use.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Made a home-cooked meal every night.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Made me work for my money.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Were on my ass about my grades.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Amazing listeners and gave extremely good advice.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Told me what I did wrong without hurting my self-esteem.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Made me do my homework.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Taught me self-respect.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Took time out to listen to my ideas and interests.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Pushed me to try new things.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Loved me and showed me they cared.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Taught me that nothing is handed to you in life.<b> </b></span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Told me to follow my dreams and be who I want to be.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Didn't necessarily punish me for the things I did wrong, but explained it was wrong and they were "disappointed." </span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Taught me to save money.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Were open about drinking, and weren't unrealistic about partying, and we could talk about it. </span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Had a sense of humor.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Always ate dinner with me.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Spent time with me.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: verdana;">Let me learn on my own and made me independent</span></li></ul><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">In the moment, teens cannot absorb all that you do for them. The good news is that when they leave for whatever comes after high school, gratitude kicks in! Rather than being dismissive of the attention you gave them in their teen years, they crave it! Rather than being a spoiled brat because you didn't make the meal they wanted, the now crave any food that you give them. So be patient, when the conplex world of being a teen eases and they move into young adulthood, they love you so much they may never leave home!!!!!</span></div></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><b>FOR PARENT COACHING:</b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><b>FOR SEMINAR PRESENTATIONS:</b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><b>FOR INFO ABOUT LET'S HAVE A KITCHEN CONVERSATION, LUNCH WITH JOANI</b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><b>CALL 781-910-1770</b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><b>JOANI@JOANIGELTMAN.COM</b></span></div>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-90499981579339713502022-12-05T08:41:00.001-08:002022-12-05T10:23:38.776-08:00Connecting With Your Teen Is Not always Easy<p><span style="font-family: arial;">One of the major tasks of Adolescence is to develop a personal identity; what are my values, my interests, my passions, what are the qualities I look for in friends and lovers, what is my sexual identity, what are my goals? etc. Part of this process is also to look closely at the people who raised them, and analyze how they are both different and the same from them. I always say that having a teen in the house is like having your own personal therapist. With this new brain of theirs, they are able to really look at you without the cloud of perfection that hovered over you in their childhood. Why the hell do these kids have to grow up?????? They are now free to share with you their thoughts and ideas about you! Unfortunately much of what they share is the stuff we already don't like about ourselves. Having them be so honest can be very uncomfortable. But if you can listen without hurt or defensiveness, you might learn something new and potentially useful about yourself. More importantly it is part of the process of figuring out who they are.<br /><br />As teens start thinking for themselves, they might start to go down paths that parents aren't comfortable with. I'm not talking about unsafe or risky behavior, but life choices about what they like to do, where they might want to go to college, and ultimately what they want to do with their life. Most parents have dreams for their kids. In healthy families, parents keep those dreams to themselves waiting to see what path their children seem most interested in, even if it means parents giving up their own dreams for their kids. In some families, parent's dreams for their kids is more of a requirement than an option. We call that Identity foreclosure, when the option of choosing one's own identity is taken away from them. The following paragraphs are answers to a question on the final exam I gave last week, asking students to choose the identity type that most describes their experience with this process. These students have answered identity foreclosure.<br /><br />Food for thought:<br /><br />"My parents forced me to go to all elite catholic schools form kindergarten to college. I was never allowed to get anything below a B or I would be in serious trouble. I am now not a catholic."<br /><br />"My parents picked nursing school for me. they said they would only pay for college if I went for nursing. My mom graduated from a nursing program and really wanted me to go."<br /><br />"My parents control most if not all decisions made in my life. If they think that this is the best decision for my future they will push me toward that path without acknowledging my concerns."<br /><br />"Everyone in my family is in the medical field and my parents urged me to become a nurse. I was pushed to pursue this.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Our kids are not mirror images of us. (thank god, I think my daughter is way more interesting than me). They may be living a life as a teen that is completely unfamiliar to you, your interests, and maybe what you were like as a teen. I made this film (link below) to help parents to build a bridge between who you are and what your expectations are for your teen, and respecting who they are becoming!</span></p><p><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzpwSYP-Id0" style="font-family: arial;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzpwSYP-Id0</a><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Get a group together of fellow parents, and join me at my house for A KITCHEN CONVERSATION. I will cook for your group and provide 2 hours of expert parenting advice geared to your needs and interests. Organizer attends for free!!! email me for more information:joani@joanigeltman.com or call 781-910-1770.</span></p>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-28891329596508267662022-11-28T07:42:00.000-08:002022-11-28T07:42:31.546-08:00A Roadmap For Parenting<p><span style="font-size: medium;">This is a blog I wrote 4 years ago. Scrolling through my blogs this morning trying to get inspiration, I came upon this one. Since the beginning of pandemic, writing my weekly blogs became a slog! My motivation just went out the window. I am happy to say that after a hard fall, I feel a renewed sense of purpose. I hope my Monday morning posts will be helpful. Please email me if there is something you would like me to write about! Anyway... having just spent a beautiful thanksgiving with my daughter and her partner, coming upon this particular blog felt like "bashert" which is a yiddish word for something that it is meant to be. </span></p><p>Parenting a teen can be a slog, let's face it! It's not like at the end of every day your kid throws their arms around you and thanks you for all the things you do for them. Talk about delayed gratification!!! That is really the reward of parenting. All the hard work and hard times you are experiencing now and the less the always loving reception you get for your teen is really just a moment in time! In the many years that follow, when your teen becomes a young adult and adult, those hugs and word of appreciation will be ever present. Just not right now. This blog reminded me of all the yin and yang of parenting; When to set the limit, and when to step back and let your teen take the steering wheel both metaphorically and practically. Too bad those signs that sit in the back window of your card NEW DRIVER can't also say, I'm a teen, and I make mistakes! </p><p>Anyway, I'm rambling..... read on and enjoy and I'll see you every Monday!! Follow me on facebook!</p><p>PS: I am starting a new venture: <b>Let's Have a Kitchen Conversation</b>. I am passionate about cooking and passionate about helping parents. I thought, why not combine the two? Parents deserve a bit of nurturing for themselves after these hellish 2 years! So put a group together, 8-10 people, and come to my house for lunch. I can do weekends as well. At these lunches you will get great food and two hours of tailored to your needs, parenting advice. Email me at joani@joanigeltman.com or call 781-910-1770 for more info!!</p><p> <span style="font-family: "cambria";"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">I just returned from a quick trip to LA where I was honored to </span><span style="font-size: 21.333334px;">receive</span><span style="font-size: 16pt;"> the Judy and Hilary Swank Award for Parenting given by the </span><span style="font-size: 21.333334px;">Actors Fund Looking Ahead Program, which serves young actors and their parents. When I was called and told I would be receiving this award, I thought every parent should receive this award in recognition of the hard but rewarding job of being a parent! So I share this award with all parents!!! The first thing of course I did was to cry! This award recognizes a parent who has raised a young actor who has gone on to become an exceptional adult actor and all around wonderful person, which my 35 year old daughter certainly is!! I wanted to share with you my acceptance speech. </span></span><span style="font-family: "cambria"; font-size: 21.333334px;">Though geared to raising a child heading towards a professional career as an actor, I think it applies to raising any child with a passion whether it be sports or music, or art or leadership or academics or community service or for being a great friend and all around wonderful kid! I hope you enjoy!! Here goes...</span></p><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-family: "cambria"; font-size: 16pt;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-family: "cambria"; font-size: 16pt;">When Ari was a little girl, we introduced her to an array of activities, but what captured her heart was her first grade play. She had found her passion at age 6. There was no question that we were in 100%. Finding our role in all of this wasn’t always easy. We had no roadmap and we had to figure out how to manage and balance our own lives with the demands of Ari’s busy career. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">We took our cues from Ari. </span><span style="font-size: 16pt;"> There were boundaries, unspoken but abided by. We were NOT her managers, her directors, or her agents; We were her parents. We <i>were </i>her uber drivers, chaperones, food service workers, appointment secretaries, and her most ardent supporters. We did not coach her on scripts, give feedback on her performances, or tell her what project she should do; that was not what she needed from us. She had her own mind, and eventually, “her people” for that. What we could do, as her parents, was to give her the freedom, opportunity and commitment to follow her dream.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">Sometimes we were faced with decisions and dilemmas that challenged our roles as parents. Like when Ari was 13, she was lucky enough to be cast as the fool in an all women’s Shakespeare company production of King Lear. Ari was the only child and non-equity performer. They were to be in residence at Smith College for the summer and then go on the road for several weeks with the show. Because Ari was not equity, there was no place for me, both literally and figuratively. But we figured it out. I slept on the floor of her tiny room and stayed out of the way until and unless Ari needed me. As the cast became a family and Ari felt ready to take on some independence, I took my leave. All that she learned that summer as a 13 year old is still very important to her. Just 2 years ago the company reunited in Scotland to perform together. Relationships and the work families she has become a part of had their beginnings in these early experiences, and I am so glad I didn’t let my own anxiety get the best of me. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">When Ari was 15 she was in a production at the Huntington Theater in Boston, where we live. As often was the case, Ari was again the youngest in the cast by many years. Again she became part of her stage family. Her stage brother then 25 most especially. After the production ended, Michael invited Ari to New York City to stay with him and his then boyfriend. So I put her on the train, and off she went. My friends were aghast. "You’re letting her travel alone on the train?" "You’re letting her stay with two 25-year-old men, what are you thinking?" Here’s what I was thinking,. My only child now has a brother, an amazing man who loves and cares about her enough to invite her into his life. And now here we are 20 years later, Michael, here in the audience, is one of my most cherished friends, and is still, and will be forever, Ari’s family. Now she is Auntie Ari as Michael and Brian’s family has grown by two beautiful babies. The Power of relationship!!<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">In the summer before Ari’s senior year in high school we were in LA auditioning, and she landed a test for a pilot to shoot immediately. I really didn’t understand and was clueless that this meant she would need to sign a contract in 24 hours that might determine her life for the next 5 years. I felt strongly that you only get one senior year of high school. Ari was engaged in and loved her school, had amazing friends, and wanted some college experience. This opportunity could potentially erase this year of that life. Ultimately I had to make the call, Ari WOULD be going back for her senior year- no pilot! I felt no ambivalence about my decision. But I understood completely and my heart broke for the pain and disappointment Ari was feeling. I think in the end the lesson Ari took away from this experience was to really understand what is most important in life, and sometimes that means making really hard decisions. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">I have been so inspired by those kinds of hard decisions </span><span style="font-size: 16pt; text-align: center;">Ari now makes about her career and her life. She has stayed really true to herself about the work and the art she wants to put out into the world, even when it is not the most popular decision. If even a little bit of this came from that hard day almost 20 years ago in LA, I will be grateful.</span><span style="font-size: 16pt; text-align: center;"> </span><span style="font-size: 16pt; text-align: center;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">This is a tough business, so much of what an actor has to cope with are decisions made about them beyond their control. As a parent this can feel absolutely excruciating, unfair and yes, sometimes even cruel. Our instinct is to want to protect our children and fix it! Over the years I have learned from Ari that what she needs from me in these moments is not advice, but instead a safe and loving space to be understood, with the freedom to experience and express her feelings. This lesson has probably been the hardest (still working on it) but honestly it is the most valuable and powerful one for me as both a mother and a professional.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;"><br /></div><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 16pt;">As a parenting expert and writer, I am as passionate about my work as Ari is about hers, and I know that my experience raising my dedicated, and extraordinary daughter informs much of who I am and what I teach parents today. I have learned so much from her. She continually challenges herself to live a life full of integrity, purpose, passion, and authenticity. To learn, to experience, to take risks, to love and most importantly to find the power within herself to live a fulfilling life as both an artist and a woman.</span><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aqAkXBbTbuI/W9eie1lV5nI/AAAAAAAAAFc/CqF2KRZuJh8WMijeKxBesVfQ5I4kpke8wCLcBGAs/s1600/gettyimages-1054825110-594x594.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="594" data-original-width="400" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aqAkXBbTbuI/W9eie1lV5nI/AAAAAAAAAFc/CqF2KRZuJh8WMijeKxBesVfQ5I4kpke8wCLcBGAs/s320/gettyimages-1054825110-594x594.jpg" width="215" /></a></div><div><br /></div><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 16pt;"></span>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-1897262252908574802022-02-02T08:59:00.000-08:002022-02-02T08:59:10.536-08:00A family's story raising 19 exceptional kids!<p> I watched a documentary movie this weekend called <b>Who Are The Debolts and Where Did They Get 19 Children?</b> You can find it on netflix or Amazon, and it will give you the secret to parenting and raising exceptional<b> </b>kids. It starts circa 1973. Dorothy and Bob marry, the second marriage for both. Together they have 4 biological children. And then the fun begins. They decide to adopt and adopt and adopt and adopt until they finally have 19 children. I know...seriously! I have an only child! The children they adopt were complicated. Some came from the last airlift out of Vietnam, traumatized both emotionally and physically from war. Some were from Korea, and some from the US. All had special needs. Many had serious physical disabilities. One of their daughters, Karen had no natural limbs, using prosthetics for both her arms and her legs. Other children had polio, or missing limbs and seriously handicapped, others blind. Like I said this is a complicated family. I cried the whole way through. (but in a good way)</p><br />What was their secret? Their secret and the gift they gave to their kids was that every single one of them, no matter how disabled, were expected to be their best. Not over and above, and not with pressured expectations, just with the belief that they were "able" to do whatever they set their minds to do. Bob and Dorothy would be there to support, but not cajole, convince or coddle. It's hard even to describe the "ableness" of these disabled kids, because they believed and saw themselves as mobile and as intelligent and as independent and "able" as any non-disabled child. Watching 9 yr old Karen, putting on her prosthetic limbs and then dressing herself was a feat worthy of an Olympic medal. Watching kids manage a grand staircase with crutches and braces on their own is awe inspiring. Watching the absolute love and affection shared among each other, and watching the fun these parents shared with their children support the notion that raising kids who believe in themselves, who want to challenge themselves to become the independent and successful adults we want all our children to become is really quite simple. Allow and encourage your kids to take risks and to challenge their comfort zone, provide support and expectations without pressure, and have fun...lots of fun.<br /><br />Maybe you see your teen as having a rough time of it. Covid has certainly contributed to major stress in our kids and in ourselves. Maybe he/she struggles academically, or socially, or suffers from depression or anxiety. Or maybe your family is in crisis with a divorce or major illness in in the family, and you're worried that your teen is overwhelmed with the family situation. Do you find yourself having lower expectations of them, worrying about stressing them out? Sometimes kids can internalize these low expectations and begin to think, well if my parents don't push me it must be because they really don't think I can do it, whatever the "it" is.<br /><br />Or, on the other hand, do you have extremely high expectations, and anything less than almost perfect is not good enough. A number of my college students have described these kinds of expectations from parents. One of my students, having received a B+ on a major paper was devastated, and in tears worried that her father would be mad. He expected her to get all A's.<br /><br />Sometimes in our effort to help move our children forward, we "over help." When they need to do volunteer work we find it for them, making calls to friends or colleagues that might take them on, or summer jobs we put out all the feelers to make that happen. We edit their papers, give them the topics they should pursue for big projects, or pay them for good grades to help motivate them. The problem with this kind of "help" especially in our current culture of instant gratification, is that our teens never learn to deal with the slog of the actual work it takes to live a life. "Alexa....am I right!!??" The pride kids feel after doing something they didn't think they could do is what drives us to want to challenge ourselves more. Recently I ordered an exercise bicycle from Amazon. It came in a million little pieces. As I laid it all out, I thought, well I'll never know what its like to sit on this bike! But somewhere down deep I said fuck it!!! I can do this.!And an hour later I was pedaling away. "I did it all by myself" and honestly I am still feeling the pride and glow of accomplishment.<br /><br />I did some research to see how the Debolt kids in this special family fared as adults. All of them were living and working independently, most married with children and in loving relationships. Bob and Dorothy sold the family home in Southern California and retired to Northern California, wishing their kids well in their successful, and independent lives.<br /><br />I walked away from this movie with so many life lessons. But also seeing the damage that our present technological culture is reaping onto our children. This was 1973, no computers, or cellphones. Kids were outside in nature, playing and discovering. The house was full of music and art and creativity. Bob and Dorothy took time for each child individually, making each of them feel important and unique. They opened the doors to the world both physically and metaphorically and expected that their kids would master it...and they did<br /><br /><br />Also I'm booking winter and spring zoom parenting seminars for schools, companies and community organizations. joani@joanigeltman.com for more info!<br /><br /> I am always available for short term parent coaching by phone and zoom. So no matter where you live, I'm only a phone call away. contact me at joani@joanigeltman.comjoani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-35717700970998050012022-01-28T07:46:00.000-08:002022-01-28T07:46:14.733-08:00Creating Empathy And Understanding <p> In honor of Holocaust Remembrance day yesterday, I wrote this blog.</p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Recently there has been a rash of school related racist and anti-semitic incidents; football plays being named using holocaust language. Rascist and anti-semitic social media posts, and graffiti in bathrooms, and on school walls. The good news is that there is a long overdue heightened awareness and community involvement in addressing it. Does this mean that teens are racist, anti-Semitic? No!!</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There is no excuse for these hurtful words and actions. It is the job of </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">families, schools, and communities to teach and model compassion, and to help children understand the affects that words have. For every thing said, someone is affected. But just because teens say it, doesn’t mean that they believe it. And before we start putting detrimental life long labels on teens that may have acted without thinking, it’s important to understand where they’re coming from.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Research has shown that the teen brain is much more activated in the amygdala, (the feeling center) than in the frontal cortex, (the thinking center). This is why teens feel first and think later! The brain’s natural edit button, letting us know when to keep our thoughts to ourselves, is not yet fully operational. Teens can say and do things that can be hurtful and even dangerous. Just ask any parent of a teen!! </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Adding to this over-reactive and emotional brain is the hyper-self-consciousness that all teens feel. David Elkind, author of the book: All Grown Up and No Place To Go, calls this the “imaginary audience.” In adolescence, a new level of thinking emerges, resulting in a hyper-awareness of what other people are thinking about them. This results in the influence of peer pressure, and worry that not conforming to the group norm presented to them, might result in the dreaded exclusion and humiliation. This can cause teens to behave in ways contrary to what they know to be right. If your crowd at a school’s sporting event starts chanting, “You killed Jesus,”regardless of your own beliefs, the need to be invisible and a part of the crowd, can trump the measuring of right and wrong. Better to be bad than to be shunned! This is powerful stuff to a vulnerable teen.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Teens are also naturally self-centered, narcissistic, and egocentric due to this excess of emotion, and self-consciousness. (Don’t worry, they outgrow this) Often their ability to see and/or care about another person’s perspective no matter how much they have hurt, disrespected, and maybe even threatened them, can be clouded. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And finally, as teens seek to develop their identity, they are bombarded with incoming new perceptions of the world. Certainly family and community are big influencers, as is the media. The presidential election, COVID mask and vaccine mandates,voting rights debate, are all perfect examples of highly emotional, name-calling, racial stereotyping, bullying, and physical altercations, sanctioned by adults! (So be careful how you talk about this at home.) All this is tailor made modeling for the drama teens crave. Most teens won’t read the full article in the Boston Globe, analyzing the intricacies of the political game, but instead will see the attention that bad behavior receives. Bring it on, consequences be damned!</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, a highly emotional brain; a hyper-sense of self-consciousness; a lack of experience in the world, developmental narcissism; impulsivity, a sense of invincibility, and a culture that loves bad behavior, that’s a loaded deck for a teen! As I say, these are not excuses, just explanations. Simply telling teens to be better, be kinder, respect differences, and then meting out consequences when boundaries are crossed, will alone not change behavior. What changes behavior, is to provide strategy and experience. Most teens stay close to what is familiar. So much of their life feels out of control; their brain, their body, their feelings, and their future, that they don’t venture much out of their comfort zone. Kids stake out their territory whether in the school cafeteria, or in their communities. This can make people who are different from them seem more threatening. </span></p><br /><br /><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; text-align: justify; white-space: pre-wrap;">So here is what you can do:</span><br /><br /><ul style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-inline-start: 48px;"><li aria-level="1" dir="ltr" style="font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols", sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Challenge teen’s thinking in stereotypes</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Provide teens with structured opportunities to get to know people who differ from them. At the 22</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: 0.6em; vertical-align: super;">nd</span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Annual Youth Congress, students suggested “mix-it up dinners where students sit with “classmates they don’t know.” As a family, seek out experiences where your children can interact with people from all kinds of backgrounds and beliefs.</span></p></li><li aria-level="1" dir="ltr" style="font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols", sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Model inclusion</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. The adults in children’s lives are the most influential in transmitting values of acceptance. When I was a fresh out of grad school therapist, I was seeing a couple that were experiencing difficulty with their teen. In a predominately catholic town, their daughter had befriended a Jewish boy. The parents used phrases like “those Jews” in describing their worry about this relationship. With fear and anxiety about ruining my tenuous therapeutic connection, I timidly said, “I am one of “those Jews.”</span></p></li><li aria-level="1" dir="ltr" style="font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols", sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Anticipate and strategize</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">: Help your teen to be prepared for situations that might challenge them. Because of their inexperience, many teens end up doing the wrong thing because they don’t know what else to.</span></p><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; text-align: center; white-space: pre-wrap;">Adolescence is a messy stage. Teen behavior is layered. Good kids do bad things; </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; text-align: center; white-space: pre-wrap;">caring and kind kids can be cruel and insensitive; and sensible and smart kids can be</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; text-align: center; white-space: pre-wrap;">impulsive and reckless. As teens move through this stage from childhood to adulthood,</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; text-align: center; white-space: pre-wrap;">they are confronted with new feelings, new thoughts, and new impressions of their world.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; text-align: center; white-space: pre-wrap;">They are without precedent and experience and often react with emotion, not thought. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; text-align: center; white-space: pre-wrap;">But teens and adults alike share so many common, human experiences, regardless of </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; text-align: center; white-space: pre-wrap;">class, race, religion, and sexual orientation. Let these be the bridge to mutual respect.</span></p></li></ul><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-37935242585431665802022-01-24T07:17:00.000-08:002022-01-24T07:17:22.036-08:00Building Resilience and Resourcefulness in Your Teen<p> Parents, take this short quiz:</p><ol><li>T F When my kid has a paper to write, I love when I, I mean when he/she gets a good grade.</li><li>T F When my teen is having a problem with a teacher, a friend, a coach or the other "parent" I love to provide the solution to make his/her life easier, and have them benefit from my experience.</li><li>T F When my teen is looking for a job, a summer program, or community service, I do everything I can to help by calling everyone I know.</li><li>T F Now that my teen is ready for the college process, I do all the research about the colleges, visits, and requirements, because I know how busy my teen is.</li><li>T F When my teen doesn't know how to do something, I love telling him/her how to do it, because I know they appreciate and expect my help.</li></ol>So, how did you do?? If you even had one "T" you might unknowingly be preventing your teen from developing resourcefulness and resilience, two personality traits that are present in very successful adults. Getting straight "A"s", graduating at the top of the class, or even going to an Ivy League college is not what guarantees success in life.<div><br /></div><div>Covid has drained most parents. Too many vaccines, too many tests, too many zoom calls, too many anxious and depressed kids, too many meals, too many whiny requests!! Sometimes it's just easier to do the easy thing, whatever that is, and the hell with it. I TOTALLY get that. You and your kids are just tired. But sometimes doing the harder thing leads to a longer term pay-off.</div><div><br />Most teens demand to be in charge of their social life, not wanting help from you at all. But when it comes to the parts of their life, they feel less confident in, they may demand your help. And what parents doesn't love it, when your teen asks for your help. It's like a drug. It may not happen often, but when it does, you are primed and ready for action. If feeds your need to feel like a competent and supportive parent, especially if your relationship with your teen has been going through a rocky spell. But what makes kids feel confident and competent is moving past frustration to success.<br /><br />Think of it this way. Perhaps recently you bought a coffee table for your family room from IKEA. In the store the table looked pretty simple to put together; A few slabs of wood, some glass, a couple of screws and bolts...piece of cake!! Then you get the big brown box home, enthusiastically throw all the stuff on the floor, with the expectation you will have your beautiful table up and usable in an hour or so. 5 hours later, sweat pouring off your brow, swears emanating from your mouth, you kick the stupid wood, throw the screws against the wall, ready to "cry uncle". You get up, stomp around your house, curse IKEA and the directions that seem to be written for someone with a PHD in engineering, and then you get back down on the floor, and start again. And finally, because the only choice was to figure out how to put the damn table together, the table comes together, almost magically. And you stand up, puffed up with pride and look at your "baby". And every time a new person walks into your house, and they compliment you on your cool coffee table, you say proudly.. I put that table together. And honestly it feels as important to you as almost anything else you have accomplished in your life. And why is that? Is is because you persisted through your frustration, your feeling of incompetence and what felt like the impossible, to your ultimate success. It is a feeling you don't forget.<br /><br />When you solve your teen's problems for them, even if they ask you too, when you give into their frustration because it feels unbearable to you, you take away the opportunity for them to have their IKEA moments. The ability to delay gratification, develop frustration tolerance, and figure it out, is something that will follow them all the way through their life. Through relationships that go through hard times, to jobs that aren't working out the way they anticipated, money problems, housing issues, and their own ability to parent. An A in English will not be helpful in those situations. There is truly nothing more important to teach your teens than the ability to accept and deal with disappointment, and lord knows these last two years have been full of disappointments, and we have all had to change our expectations about what we have control over. So helping them to use their wiley skills to be in control of the things they can control is a gift!<br /><br />So the next time they come to you for help, start first with a "so what do YOU think you should do? The process will take a lot longer, but when you can say to your teen, I am really proud of you,I know that was really hard for you to do, but you stuck with it, and "just look at your table!</div>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-34422586794702088582021-07-14T11:49:00.002-07:002021-07-14T11:49:39.728-07:00Teens And Pot<p> Teens and pot, not so good, Adults and pot, whatever turns you on. I have had a number of letters from parents recently worried about their teens use of pot. It seems that their teens have defended their use with a variety of rationalizations. Some of my favorites include; " I can think better, I can drive better, even the cops don't care, it relaxes me so I can concentrate better on my homework, you should be happy, at least I'm not drinking alcohol!" Unfortunately this is the drug talking. And thats the point, pot is all about distortion. That's what the 60's were all about, and why the lava lamp was invented! Today's pot however is nothing like the pot of my youth. Research shows that the amount of THC in boomer pot was 2-3%.Today's pot has 90% THC. That is a lot of high!!!!! Luckily we adults who might want to indulge can go to a dispensary, describe the kind of hight we want and make an informed decision. They literally make pot now called Dad Grass, for people who want to get mellow without the high. Unfortunately not only do kids not have access to dispensaries, but most do not understand exactly what pot is, what's in it, or if it is safe....cause mostly they don't care, and probably would be to afraid to come to you for info cause they know you might not like to have a deep dive on the varieties of pot on the market. I mean would you?</p><div><br />Adolescence is all about new experiences and experimentation. It is a cruel law of nature that tempts teens to try all sorts of new things just at a time in their lives when their brain is engaging in a major growth spurt. Teens live in a world of what you see is what you get. With alcohol you see the fruits of your labor literally in the toilet bowl if you're lucky, otherwise in someone's car or basement. You worship the porcelain temple and then you pass out. With pot the effects are less obvious and more hidden. Pot gives you the <i>illusion</i> of feeling in control but what you're teen is missing is what is going on in the depths of their brain. As with all experimentation, some kids might try pot and see it as a treat every now and then, and others will begin to use more regularly. In either case it is important to talk with them about it.<br /><br />A little science lesson here. There are receptors in the brain that just love THC, the chemical in pot. These receptors are connected to two very important parts of the brain. The Hippocampus, which is responsible for memory and learning, and the Cerebellum that controls balance and coordination. In short, regular use of pot can cause problems with thinking and problem solving (the hippocampus) and distorted perception of sight, sound and loss of motor coordination. (the cerebellum) So much for the driving rationale. Responding to lights, sound and reaction time are all distorted.<br /><br />Pot is especially attractive to teens because it relaxes them, mellows out their stress, and if they are someone who struggles with anxiety, pot can be a wonderful new best friend. There is nothing more uncomfortable than feeling anxious, and once a teen who suffers with anxiety tries pot, a love affair begins.<br /><br />Talking with your teen about pot requires finesse, and the power of understanding. Here is your I Get It moment. You can say to your teen" I get how pot would be attractive to you. I know you are stressed out, and it makes you feel relaxed and mellow. But here is what you don't know." At this point instead of sermonizing and lecturing, either read these articles to them or have them read it in your presence. </div><div><a href="https://teens.drugabuse.gov/drug-facts/marijuana">https://teens.drugabuse.gov/drug-facts/marijuana</a></div><div><a href="https://apple.news/AYoHPGDuaTGOZoK4SanxlSw">https://apple.news/AYoHPGDuaTGOZoK4SanxlSw</a></div><div><br /></div><div>The first is a link to a very straight forward Q&A about pot. If you choose to lecture, your teen will think this is your opinion and probably just stop listening, thinking that they know more than you about this particular subject. So real science is always good in this situation. Now I am sure that you will get resistence here. And here is how you might handle this. " I am worried that you don't feel that pot affects your judgement, driving etc. You need to read this article and talk with me/us about it before we will allow you to drive our car. It is important to us that you have the facts here. If we see a change in your grades, or your ability to concentrate on getting your work done, we will have to drug test you every now and then. We love you and want to make sure that you don't unknowingly jeopardize your health and your future.</div><div><br /></div><div>The second link talks about new medical/psychological/cognitive issues they are seeing as a result of the increased amounts of THC in today's pot. Really portent (haha) information.</div><div><br /></div><div>PS: Sometimes you just need a phone call worth of help!!! A situation with your has arisen and you're not sure how to handle it. This is why I created: <b>A Quick Question.</b> This is a one session strategy session designed to give you the help you need when you need it. Call me at<b> 781-910-1770</b> or email me at:</div><div><b>joani@joanigeltman.com </b>to set up your consultation</div><div><br /></div>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-82992887407404327262021-07-07T09:59:00.002-07:002021-07-07T10:11:16.467-07:00Summertime And The Living Is Easy.....Or Not!<p>The pandemic is easing, and you are aching to "get out of dodge." Trips to see family you haven't seen for a year, vacation spots you've been waiting to visit, and just getting out of your damn house and see something besides your yard and your local supermarket!! I get it!!!! But unfortunately just when you can see and taste freedom, what your teen maybe thinking is OMG I HAVE TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY FAMILY!!!!!!</p><p>When your teens were younger, the "family" vacation was mythical. Something to look forward to, something to get your kids though the winter doldrums and that last month of school when you can taste summer but can't experience it yet. Fast forward to the teen years, coupled with a year of "family togetherness, you may not get the enthusiasm you are hoping for! "We're going to the cape again....Europe!!!! who wants to spend my summer looking at churches and museums. Wah wah wah, I'll miss my friends."</p><br />First don't get hooked into that argument or come back with a "Do you know how lucky you are?" lecture. In this moment, being separated from friends, and possibly missing out on some amazing party, concert, or hang session is all they can focus out. You don't need to argue or convince, just listen, and then say " I get that this feels hard and I know that you're worried you might miss out on something fun." And then just stop there. You know they are going, and that this is not an optional trip. If you allow yourself to get hooked into an argument they will never stop hoping that if they wear you down, you'll leave them at home with a friend. Just let them vent.<br /><br />In addition to the venting strategy, do try to include them in the planning. If they feel included in the decision-making you will get much less resistance. Maybe the dates aren't flexible but the what of the trip is still open to discussion. Maybe it's to visit family, or go to a vacation destination that you have been going to for years, or maybe you are lucky enough to travel to some exotic location. Make sure that the activities you choose to do where ever you go, take into account who each of your kids are, and their personal interests . If they love sports, then find a local soccer/tennis/ baseball game that might spark their interest. Or if they like amusement parks, or shopping malls, beaches, pools, zoos, you get the idea. Your idea of what to see and do, may be the antithesis of what they like to do. Ask them to look on the Internet for something in the location that they might like to do. Including them in the planning is a sign of respect. And respect leads to accommodation. Just don't expect smiles and gratitude. You'll get that in 10 years as they look back on their youth and tell you how amazing that trip was that you took when they were 16. As you think, OMG you were a pain in the ass on that trip. Now you tell me you had fun!!! Go figure!<div><br /></div><div>Ps. I am available all summer for Parent Coaching. Before the little arguments get too big, schedule a one time only session and get a strategy that can diffuse a potentially explosive situation. ZOOM ME!!</div><div>Also booking now for school year 2021-22 seminars available to businesses, community groups, and schools and private parties! 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</style><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><b>Understanding Your Child’s Temperament and Personality</b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><b>Strategies For The Future</b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"> Is your child:<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;">· The adventurer<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;">· The lawyer<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;">· The child who always says no<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;">· The anxious/shy child<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;">· A combination of all 4<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"> <span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"> This seminar describes these personality styles and gives parents the strategies to bring out the best in their child both in the present and implications for their development from childhood through their teen years.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"> <span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"> Audience: Parents of all ages<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><b>Joani’s Top Ten Parenting Tips </b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;">The secret to parenting is to keep it simple. Learn 10 simple, concrete practical tips useful in those daily moments of stress as a parent when you wish you had the "right thing to do and the right thing to say!<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;">Audience: All ages<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><b>FOR PARENTS OF TEENS and PRETEENS</b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><b>Adolescent Psychology: The Parent Version </b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></p><ul style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;">Learn how the brain affects your teen’s behavior. It’s the battle of the thinking brain VS the feeling brain.<o:p></o:p></li></ul><ul style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;">Learn Effective strategies for arguing-The Four Ways Of Fighting.<o:p></o:p></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;">Develop effective strategies for keeping your teen safe as they explore the new world of teen life.<o:p></o:p></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;">Learn how to teen-proof your home and cell-proof your teen<o:p></o:p></li></ul><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><b>Sexting. Texting and Social Networking: What’s A Parent To Do? </b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><ul style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;">Understand how the “emotional brain” of a teen gets “turned on” by social networking.<o:p></o:p></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;">Understand how the “Imaginary Audience” influences your teen’s performing on social media.<o:p></o:p></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;">Learn which apps are safe and unsafe<o:p></o:p></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;">Learn strategies to monitor and set limits around phone and internet use<o:p></o:p></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;">Learn how your own behavior with phones and computers can positively and negatively influence your teen.<o:p></o:p></li></ul><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><b>Drugs and Alcohol: How Does Your Teen’s Personality Style, and Your Parenting Style impact their experimentation with drugs and alcohol? </b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><ul style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;">Identify your teen’s personality style and risk-factors with drugs and alcohol<b><o:p></o:p></b></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;">Identify your parenting style and how it influences your teen’s drug and alcohol use<b><o:p></o:p></b></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;">Learn effective strategies and scripts to keep your teen safe<b><o:p></o:p></b></li></ul><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><b>College Bound:</b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><ul style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;">Understand the emotional journey of your college bound high school student<b><o:p></o:p></b></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;">Understand the emotional journey of a parent of college bound high school student<b><o:p></o:p></b></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="vertical-align: baseline;">Learn strategies for making this process successful and positive<b><o:p></o:p></b></li></ul><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;">With over 40 years of experience working with families, Joani's approach, using humor, storytelling and easy to use tools make the job of parenting just a little bit easier.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><b>Joani Geltman MSW 781-910-1770 joanigeltman.com</b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /><br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p> </o:p></p></div>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-64766884082843067862021-04-14T09:20:00.004-07:002022-01-28T07:39:56.898-08:00Teens, Racism and Anti-Semitism<p> </p><p>In honor of Holocaust Remembrance day yesterday, I wrote this blog.</p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Recently there has been a rash of school related racist and anti-semitic incidents; football plays being named using holocaust language. Rascist and anti-semitic graffiti in bathrooms, and school walls. The good news is that there is a long overdue heightened awareness and community involvement in addressing it. Does this mean that teens are racist, anti-Semitic? Not necessarily.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There is no excuse for these hurtful words and actions. It is the job of</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">families, schools, and communities to teach and model compassion, and to help children understand the affects that words have. For every thing said, someone is affected. But just because teens say it, doesn’t mean that they believe it. And before we start putting detrimental life long labels on teens that may have acted without thinking, it’s important to understand where they’re coming from.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Research has shown that the teen brain is much more activated in the amygdala, (the feeling center) than in the frontal cortex, (the thinking center). This is why teens feel first and think later! The brain’s natural edit button, letting us know when to keep our thoughts to ourselves, is not yet fully operational. Teens can say and do things that can be hurtful and even dangerous. Just ask any parent of a teen!! </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Adding to this over-reactive and emotional brain is the hyper-self-consciousness that all teens feel. David Elkind, author of the book: All Grown Up and No Place To Go, calls this the “imaginary audience.” In adolescence, a new level of thinking emerges, resulting in a hyper-awareness of what other people are thinking about them. This results in the influence of peer pressure, and worry that not conforming to the group norm presented to them, might result in the dreaded exclusion and humiliation. This can cause teens to behave in ways contrary to what they know to be right. If your crowd at a school’s sporting event starts chanting, “You killed Jesus,”regardless of your own beliefs, the need to be invisible and a part of the crowd, can trump the measuring of right and wrong. Better to be bad than to be shunned! This is powerful stuff to a vulnerable teen.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Teens are also naturally self-centered, narcissistic, and egocentric due to this excess of emotion, and self-consciousness. (Don’t worry, they outgrow this) Often their ability to see and/or care about another person’s perspective no matter how much they have hurt, disrespected, and maybe even threatened them, can be clouded. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And finally, as teens seek to develop their identity, they are bombarded with incoming new perceptions of the world. Certainly family and community are big influencers, as is the media. The presidential election, COVID mask and vaccine mandates,voting rights debate, are all perfect examples of highly emotional, name-calling, racial stereotyping, bullying, and physical altercations, sanctioned by adults! (So be careful how you talk about this at home.) All this is tailor made modeling for the drama teens crave. Most teens won’t read the full article in the Boston Globe, analyzing the intricacies of the political game, but instead will see the attention that bad behavior receives. Bring it on, consequences be damned!</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, a highly emotional brain; a hyper-sense of self-consciousness; a lack of experience in the world, developmental narcissism; impulsivity, a sense of invincibility, and a culture that loves bad behavior, that’s a loaded deck for a teen! As I say, these are not excuses, just explanations. Simply telling teens to be better, be kinder, respect differences, and then meting out consequences when boundaries are crossed, will alone not change behavior. What changes behavior, is to provide strategy and experience. Most teens stay close to what is familiar. So much of their life feels out of control; their brain, their body, their feelings, and their future, that they don’t venture much out of their comfort zone. Kids stake out their territory whether in the school cafeteria, or in their communities. This can make people who are different from them seem more threatening. </span></p><br /><br /><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; text-align: justify; white-space: pre-wrap;">So here is what you can do:</span><br /><br /><ul style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-inline-start: 48px;"><li aria-level="1" dir="ltr" style="font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols", sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Challenge teen’s thinking in stereotypes</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Provide teens with structured opportunities to get to know people who differ from them. At the 22</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: 0.6em; vertical-align: super;">nd</span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Annual Youth Congress, students suggested “mix-it up dinners where students sit with “classmates they don’t know.” As a family, seek out experiences where your children can interact with people from all kinds of backgrounds and beliefs.</span></p></li><li aria-level="1" dir="ltr" style="font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols", sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Model inclusion</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. The adults in children’s lives are the most influential in transmitting values of acceptance. When I was a fresh out of grad school therapist, I was seeing a couple that were experiencing difficulty with their teen. In a predominately catholic town, their daughter had befriended a Jewish boy. The parents used phrases like “those Jews” in describing their worry about this relationship. With fear and anxiety about ruining my tenuous therapeutic connection, I timidly said, “I am one of “those Jews.”</span></p></li><li aria-level="1" dir="ltr" style="font-family: "Noto Sans Symbols", sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Anticipate and strategize</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">: Help your teen to be prepared for situations that might challenge them. Because of their inexperience, many teens end up doing the wrong thing because they don’t know what else to.</span></p><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" role="presentation" style="line-height: 1.7999999999999998; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; text-align: center; white-space: pre-wrap;">Adolescence is a messy stage. Teen behavior is layered. Good kids do bad things; </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; text-align: center; white-space: pre-wrap;">caring and kind kids can be cruel and insensitive; and sensible and smart kids can be</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; text-align: center; white-space: pre-wrap;">impulsive and reckless. As teens move through this stage from childhood to adulthood,</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; text-align: center; white-space: pre-wrap;">they are confronted with new feelings, new thoughts, and new impressions of their world.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; text-align: center; white-space: pre-wrap;">They are without precedent and experience and often react with emotion, not thought.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; text-align: center; white-space: pre-wrap;">But teens and adults alike share so many common, human experiences, regardless of</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; text-align: center; white-space: pre-wrap;">class, race, religion, and sexual orientation. Let these be the bridge to mutual respect.</span></p></li></ul><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><br />joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-163859832269706842021-03-22T12:47:00.004-07:002021-03-22T12:51:29.221-07:00Looking Forward And Letting Go!! Living With Your Teen In A Post Pandemic World<p> I've said this before and I will say it again!! All your kids will be fine in the end, even with a year of pandemic isolation, loss of normalcy and no real school. Unless there is severe mental illness or severe family trauma, by the time your teen hits their 20's, this year will be a blur, and they will adore being at home, desirous of your input and advice about their life, and unbelievably fun to hang out with. So take a deep breath, pleeese!</p>The way I see it, in my experience, after 40 years of working with families, and raising one of my own, there are only three real parenting mistakes that can change the outcome of your child's life.<br /><br />First is the too strict or rigid parenting style. If you are the party of NO, my way or the highway, or you have a ton of rules way past the time that kids need rules for everything, and you have extremely high expectations for your teen's academic performance, you run some risks.<br /><br />Risk #1: Adolescence is all about independence. If you continue to write the script for your teen's life they will react in one of two ways. If they feel over-controlled, over-managed, and have to answer to too many rules, some kids will be forced to act out to get the freedom their brain and their body are telling them they should have. By acting out I mean lying, hostility and anger, deliberate school failure, drug and alcohol use or abuse and avoiding you at every turn. This can feel like armed warfare. These teens need to learn how to make decisions on their own. These are the kids that often bail on college. As soon as they hit campus, and experience that first taste of freedom, all control and discipline, no matter how much you have drilled it in to them is gone. They have never actually learned how to be self-disciplined, or internalized the rules and structure that you imposed. As young children structure and control is good, as teens you need to share and encourage with supervision your teen's innate drive to be independent. After a year of suffocating closeness to your kids, this will feel weird, also a relief! You have had to worry about school, getting sick, depression, anxiety and loss. These are extremely weighty issues, that often you only have had to deal with one at a time. This year all at once. It will feel weird to let go!!<br /><br />Risk #2: Some teens who are over controlled and over-managed become extremely passive. They have developed what is call learned-helplessness. What they integrate is a lack of complete confidence in their ability to make decisions, and look to you for direction in all parts of their life. This is not healthy. These teens are lovely to have in the home because they never fight with you, and come to you often for help. For a parent, there is nothing like it. However in life, you will not always be available. When it comes to adult relationships whether romantically, with friends, or with bosses or colleagues they will rarely speak up for themselves, and open themselves up to be taken advantage of, thinking that they don't know better. These kids need to learn to have confidence in their own ability to make decisions, and that what they want matters. I have learned through my college students that they have felt a lot of worry about their families and wanting to make sure they literally don't die. Because of this and most importantly because of the pandemic, they have ventured out very little except for school. These kinds of kids, if you have one of them, may need a real push out of the nest!<br /><br />Risk #3 is the too permissive parent. This parent maybe has an unspoken rule, do well in school, and I will ignore everything else. Or maybe, your philosophy is that your teens should be able to manage their own lives, or maybe the parent's life is in chaos with a divorce, or other family crisis, and takes their "eye of the ball" being too involved in their own life events. Rather than too many rules, there are no rules, no expectations, no supervision. These are the parents with the blind eye. A blind eye to what goes on in their own basements with their teens and their friends, a blind eye to where and what their teens are doing when they are out and about, and a blind eye to their teens safety. Teens are by nature risk-takers. Sometimes those risks can be life-threatening, either physically or psychologically. Teens need to know that someone is looking out for their welfare, even if they fight you tooth and nail when you do. When these kids move into adulthood, they are often entitled, irresponsible young adults, who look towards you to bail them out when they act badly, perhaps its is financially, or legally. These now grown up kids, can't or don't feel like managing the mundane of life, and will constantly look to you to do it for them, even well into adulthood.<br /><br />So these are the three biggies. Everything else in between, usually works itself out. Parenting a teen is about setting enough limits to keep your teen safe, and give enough leeway for them to practice decision making, knowing that they will make mistakes, that they will hate you some days, and knowing that underlying it all is love. Your love for them, and their love for you. It really is as simple as that.<br /><br />This is a very interesting article about the consequence of "over-parenting" when your kids hit the real world.<br /><a href="http://www.fresnostatenews.com/2014/07/university-profs-find-that-over-parenting-can-damage-future-job-prospects/">http://www.fresnostatenews.com/2014/07/university-profs-find-that-over-parenting-can-damage-future-job-prospects/</a><div><br /></div><div>Did you know that I do one session parent coaching? Yes that's right. We get right to it, and by the end of that one session you have a plan and strategy for whatever issue you are facing! To set up a zoom appointment call</div><div> 781-910-1770 or email me at joani@joanigeltman.com</div>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-36102467594525651782021-03-03T11:29:00.000-08:002021-03-03T11:29:11.399-08:00It's Been A Long Time Coming!<p> It's been a long time since I posted my last blog. This has surprised me, as have many things about living through a pandemic! I have always been a high-energy, forward thinking, glass-full kind of gal. My blog has never been a choice for me about whether to write or video, it was just something I did....until I didn't. For the last 10 months, with MORE than enough time on my hands, I would have thought that I would have been writing more, not less. In fact, I would have expected my blogs to be epic and inspirational, and guide parents through this unprecedented time, and who knows maybe I would have even been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. You know, like Jared Kushner. But alas, I have done just the opposite, and that has been a huge surprise to me, and I feel both a disappointment in myself, and also a curiosity about where and how we find our motivation.</p><p>Which of course leads me to all of you. It is you that have inspired me! It is you who should be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. It is you that has brought peace to your families, your children, your parents, your community. You don't have the narcissistic luxury like me of deciding "whether of not." You just do, you just keep on going, buying your groceries, provide sustenance to your family, teach your children, adapt to a new work environment, help older people like me get vaccinated. ( I am proud to say I am half vaccinated and did it 'all by myself!" I have worked with many parents over the last year either though coaching or webinars, and one of the things that stood out for me was that for all the amazing work of juggling and problem solving that they and you have been doing, there has been an overriding feeling of not exactly failure, but of not being good enough. There have been so many times parents have described the feeling of losing control. Fights with kids blowing up, fights with partners blowing up, and complete exasperation with systems you can't control and blowing up. Blowing up being the actionable word. Seriously how could you not blow up!! You must be tired, and feel depleted at times. And I hope at other times feel a sense of pride that you have coped and that your kids have coped, and that your partner has coped, and that your community and school has coped. </p><p>We will look back on this year of covid and take stock of how sustained stress takes its toll on individuals, on families, on schools, on business and on communities. Some of us...yes me has suffered with a major drop in motivation. Maybe your kids, after a year of zoom schooling are feeling this lack of motivation, and a lack of desire to engage, not only with school, but with the family and maybe even with friends. I know that feeling well. Without the energy and fuel of living life normally, I have too easily dropped out. My circle of connections has become quite small, and my energy to get out of the house and do more than the absolute minimum is low. </p><p>But here is what I truly believe. I truly believe that we will find our new normal. I say new, because we have all changed over this year. We have learned things about ourselves, our resilience, our creativity, our connection to family, discovered perhaps new things about ourselves, both bad and good. I took up making candle holders from concrete ( I know so random), I learned to build Adirondack chairs from scratch, and refinish old ones. All of this is to say there have been the yin and yang of this year, and whatever it has been, it will now be a part of me.</p><p>Your kids will take away so much from this learned experience that will truly last a lifetime. It will become part of their personal story and history in a way that doing a calculus problem or term paper won't. The life skills they have learned and integrated, will serve them quite well as they move into adulthood. So when you get frustrated and worried for their future. I will tell you not to be. Look at me, I thought I would never write another blog, and here I am blathering endlessly to you. What got me to write today, truly I think I felt I was losing a little bit of myself that I needed to find again. The time just felt right, and that is what resilience is all about. A belief and innate need for self preservation. We all have it, sometimes we lose it for a time, but it is always ready to be accessible when we are ready! Trust in your children, and most importantly trust in yourselves. </p><p>I am getting back in gear here. If there is anything you would like me to write about, please put in comment section. Also I have been doing small group zoom groups that have been a lot of fun, except I have to put make up on. If you have a group of friends who are all dealing with the same issues. Pour a glass a wine, and we can meet at our local zoom bar! </p><p>Take care</p><p>Joani</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-7029648177762400862020-06-24T07:43:00.002-07:002020-06-24T09:01:20.127-07:00A Time For Self-Reflection and Honesty....Me Too!It's been a while since I've penned a blog. When covid hit, I decided that I could be most useful to parents by offering in-person-ish support through live broadcasts with tips on surviving and yes, even taking some enjoyment in all this forced family time. Since we are still in a pandemic, you can access all those videos by going to my facebook page: Joani geltman parenting expert. There are a lot of them!! You'll get sick of me if you watch all of them, but I do hope you can find some comfort.<br />
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Now we are facing a new kind of pandemic. The pandemic of racism. The murders of black men and women has been excruciatingly painful for the black community, and the white community is now finally looking at our complicity that is this toxic culture of systemic racism in our world. I too, have been looking at my own complicity, and some stomach turning ways I have contributed to making specifically my black students to feel marginalized.<br />
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2185147468296671937" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2185147468296671937" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a>I have taken this past month to do the kind of reading and learning I should have been doing since beginning grade school. I always knew the broad outlines of racism, but not the more personal and less obvious ways POC have been made to feel less then. I have a lot to learn, and I have made it a priority to do this. Some of the most meaningful writing I have read is by black students 'real time experiences of living and being schooled amongst white people. I have linked below an amazing article by a young man who was a METCO student in a wealthy white community. I will let him speak for himself.<br />
<a href="https://humanparts.medium.com/reflections-from-a-token-black-friend-2f1ea522d42d">https://humanparts.medium.com/reflections-from-a-token-black-friend-2f1ea522d42d</a><br />
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I have also been extremely moved and humbled by reading a number of instagram groups that have formed to share their experiences as black students in predominately white private and public schools. A few I have read are blackatwellesley, blackatandover, blackattabor. It is these posts that have made me realize my own lack of awareness. Above is a post from a student who comments on a teacher who kept mistaking her for another black student in the class....repeatedly! As I read that, I felt in the pit of my stomach that "oh my god moment" of I have done this!!! A few years ago, in one of my college classes I had three black young women who often sat together. I am always a bit bumbling in general in my efforts to remember my students names, but I do remember vividly that I often mixed up their names. I always apologized but I feel the shame now of how I must have made those three students feel. I have to do better, I will do better. What I have realized is how much I didn't understand the emotional life and deep hurt POC carry around all the time. Reading these posts from these young people have opened my eyes and help me to firmly commit to myself to learn and understand.<br />
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As we all try to figure out how we can do better, one place is to start is with your family. Using the article linked above and these instagram groups would be a great place to start. Read them aloud at family time, share your own experiences where you might have unknowingly said something or done something that might have made a person of color feel less than. Model for your kids that acknowledging is the first step in changing. As you read these posts, ask them if any sound or feel familiar. Have they witnessed someone else doing or saying something or is there something they said or did that might have been disrespectful to a person of color. As we all learn about anti-racism, we must first take the important step of taking responsibility for our own part in it, and commit to ourselves and our community to do better!joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2185147468296671937.post-34204864498963432302020-03-19T06:26:00.003-07:002020-03-19T06:26:34.523-07:00Parenting In the Age Of Coronavirus : Live Broadcast 2Here we go: parenting in the Coronavirus: Broadcast 2. ENJOY!!<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/joani.geltman/videos/10157075209746914/">https://www.facebook.com/joani.geltman/videos/10157075209746914/</a>joani@joanigeltman.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16712105035583618060noreply@blogger.com0