This seems like such an obvious conclusion, and yet.... A May 16th Boston Globe article whose headline read: "Accident reinforces distraction dangers"tells the story of a 17 year old girl, distracted by texting on her phone while driving, plows into and kills a 44 year old man out jogging. Today, just 2 weeks later, another Boston Globe article whose headline reads: "Prosecutors say teens's messaging led to fatal crash". The cell phone of this 17 year old driver was found in his car after the accident with texts coming and going at the time of impact. He killed a 55 year old man, and injured the other passenger by crossing into oncoming traffic and plowing head-on into another car. According to the Globe: "5500 people across the country were killed in crashes involving driver distraction. Teenage drivers were more likely than those in other age groups to be involved in a fatal crash where distraction is reported." Tell your teen about these two stories, and any others you can find to make this point.
Sorry to be Debby Downer here, but this is such an important issue that bears repeating over and over and over again with your driving teens. Teens have magical thinking. They think that they are invincible. It is just part of the natural development of the teen brain. How ironic it is that just at a time when teens are incredibly motivated to tempt fate, their brains give them some license to do that. EXCEPT if they get enough conflicting messages on a regular basis that mitigate the brain's natural tendencies. You are the mitigator of all mitigators!!!! And mitigate you must!!!!
"You better not text and drive. Its illegal," is not a strategy for change. (there are many states that make driving and texting illegal and punishable by fine and revoking the license). Forget that it's illegal, you can kill or be killed!!! Most teens will say: " I don't!" and mean it at the time. What you need to do is help them to come up with a plan for keeping their phone out of reach and temptation. Because of course that's really what driving and texting is all about...temptation. When that chime comes from your phone signifying an incoming text, it is really really hard not to want to read it immediately and respond immediately. I know, cause I get the itch too! There has to be a plan, and there has to be practice to make sure the plan works. Maybe there is a new family rule. Anyone driving the car, or getting a license within 6 months is required to turn off their phone whenever they are in the family car. Practice makes perfect. You have to model the behavior, and you have to provide opportunity for your teen to get used to being in a car without using his/her phone in preparation for driving and being phone-free. If your pre-driving teen doesn't agree to this opportunity to practice then I guess getting the license is off the table. This is tough love, with an emphasis on the love!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Summer Alcohol And Drug Alerts
I was working out this morning, and several moms from my class who know I write a blog, wanted to give me a heads-up about some of the drug/alcohol issues that have made it through the high school parenting gauntlet of several communities. As usual, these are not fringe kids. These are kids from good families, good schools and supportive communities.
First. a new alcohol delivery system. Water bottles, ice tea bottles, red bull, oh, so yesterday. How about soaking a tampon, yup, a tampon in vodka, and inserting it in the vagina. Seems those little tampons can hold up to 1 oz of vodka, no chaser needed. No joke this is really dangerous. Please talk to your teen about this. Your ' I Get It conversation; " Honey, I recently heard that kids are soaking tampons in vodka, and than inserted the bloated thing in the vagina for the girls or the rectum (gross) for the boys. Apparently kids think that getting the booze in their system this way won't:
1. Give them booze breath and therefore pass a breathalyzer. This is wrong, breathalyzers measure blood content not smelly alcohol breath.
2. Kids do this because it gets them drunk faster. This is true. The vagina and the rectum are very vascular and the alcohol goes directly into the bloodstream, rather than through the stomach. The bad news is that you won't throw up or have that gag reflex when your body tells you enough is enough. Because it is not mixing with gastric juices, you will go directly to the passing out and perhaps death phase, because there will be no signs that you are in distress. This makes it harder for hospital personnel to figure out what is wrong and then it will be too late. Maybe some of your friends have tried it, and lucked out that nothing bad happened. It is a crap shoot. It scares me to death. Please warn your friends who think it's an OK thing to do and please please please do not ever try this, it is so dangerous.
OK so that is the alcohol alert. Here is the drug alert. There is a new version of the drug Ecstasy called "Molly". It is a much much stronger version of the drug, and more dangerous. Kids can get very dehydrated from this drug and go into shock. This is a drug most kids think is pretty harmless. It is not. Please tell them.
If you have teens who you know are out partying. Rather than putting your head in the sand, you need to confront the issue directly. "I get you and your friends are out partying on the weekend. What are you going to do to make me feel that you are on top of making safe decisions.? These are some of the scary situations that are out there, plus all the usual binge drinking I know some of your friends, and maybe you do. Honey, I love you and need to know you know how to stay safe. "
First. a new alcohol delivery system. Water bottles, ice tea bottles, red bull, oh, so yesterday. How about soaking a tampon, yup, a tampon in vodka, and inserting it in the vagina. Seems those little tampons can hold up to 1 oz of vodka, no chaser needed. No joke this is really dangerous. Please talk to your teen about this. Your ' I Get It conversation; " Honey, I recently heard that kids are soaking tampons in vodka, and than inserted the bloated thing in the vagina for the girls or the rectum (gross) for the boys. Apparently kids think that getting the booze in their system this way won't:
1. Give them booze breath and therefore pass a breathalyzer. This is wrong, breathalyzers measure blood content not smelly alcohol breath.
2. Kids do this because it gets them drunk faster. This is true. The vagina and the rectum are very vascular and the alcohol goes directly into the bloodstream, rather than through the stomach. The bad news is that you won't throw up or have that gag reflex when your body tells you enough is enough. Because it is not mixing with gastric juices, you will go directly to the passing out and perhaps death phase, because there will be no signs that you are in distress. This makes it harder for hospital personnel to figure out what is wrong and then it will be too late. Maybe some of your friends have tried it, and lucked out that nothing bad happened. It is a crap shoot. It scares me to death. Please warn your friends who think it's an OK thing to do and please please please do not ever try this, it is so dangerous.
OK so that is the alcohol alert. Here is the drug alert. There is a new version of the drug Ecstasy called "Molly". It is a much much stronger version of the drug, and more dangerous. Kids can get very dehydrated from this drug and go into shock. This is a drug most kids think is pretty harmless. It is not. Please tell them.
If you have teens who you know are out partying. Rather than putting your head in the sand, you need to confront the issue directly. "I get you and your friends are out partying on the weekend. What are you going to do to make me feel that you are on top of making safe decisions.? These are some of the scary situations that are out there, plus all the usual binge drinking I know some of your friends, and maybe you do. Honey, I love you and need to know you know how to stay safe. "
Thursday, May 24, 2012
To Give Or Not To Give My Parents My Facebook Password
This must be my facebook week. A parent recently asked me what she should do about her 12 year old daughter who refused to give this mom her facebook password. If you have a 12 year old on facebook, than absolutely you must have access to their password.(see yesterday's blog for a good example) At this age, kids do really really stupid things, even more stupid than if they were 16. At 12 most kids are at what I call the "as if" stage. They are acting "as if " they were older teens. Asking for and wanting privileges that are given to older teens. They are dressing like older teens especially girls who look for sexy tops and shorts to make them appear sexier and older. Also they are trying to act "as if" they are older teens, by being sexually provocative, using a lot of colorful language, and doing anything to make them feel cooler and older than they actually are. This goes for both boys and girls. This is why if your young teen is on facebook, you must be completely on top of supervising him or her.
I cautioned the mom against forbidding her daughter to go on facebook. If this teen is already a regular user, and mom forces her to close down her account, she probably will just go underground and go on it when she is at a friends house, where mom has no accessibility. So parents, you may have to suck it up if your teen has already started her facebook career, but you don't have to feel helpless to intervene if your teen is being obnoxiously withholding.
Here is what you can say: " I get you feel that giving me your facebook password is intruding on your privacy, but refusing to share it with me, or refusing to go on with me so I can check and make sure there is nothing on your wall that is unsafe or disrespectful, is a sign that you are hiding something from me. Learning to be on facebook takes some training on what you can and cannot put up there. Think of it like learning to drive safely. This takes time. You must take a class and drive with an instructor and your parents for 6 months. Learning to be on facebook safely takes time too. So, from now on you will only be able to use the computer in the kitchen or dining room where dad and I can supervise you. And only for short periods of time, maybe a total of 30 minutes a day."
Your teen will moan and groan, and you can be sympathetic that yes, things are different and will be hard to get used to. You don't have to go to the " this is the way it is, and if you don't like it you don't have to use the computer at all" place. That just keeps your teen angry and motivated to find a way around the new rules. Empathy has a much bigger payoff for cooperation!
I cautioned the mom against forbidding her daughter to go on facebook. If this teen is already a regular user, and mom forces her to close down her account, she probably will just go underground and go on it when she is at a friends house, where mom has no accessibility. So parents, you may have to suck it up if your teen has already started her facebook career, but you don't have to feel helpless to intervene if your teen is being obnoxiously withholding.
Here is what you can say: " I get you feel that giving me your facebook password is intruding on your privacy, but refusing to share it with me, or refusing to go on with me so I can check and make sure there is nothing on your wall that is unsafe or disrespectful, is a sign that you are hiding something from me. Learning to be on facebook takes some training on what you can and cannot put up there. Think of it like learning to drive safely. This takes time. You must take a class and drive with an instructor and your parents for 6 months. Learning to be on facebook safely takes time too. So, from now on you will only be able to use the computer in the kitchen or dining room where dad and I can supervise you. And only for short periods of time, maybe a total of 30 minutes a day."
Your teen will moan and groan, and you can be sympathetic that yes, things are different and will be hard to get used to. You don't have to go to the " this is the way it is, and if you don't like it you don't have to use the computer at all" place. That just keeps your teen angry and motivated to find a way around the new rules. Empathy has a much bigger payoff for cooperation!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Is Publicly Humiliating Your Teen A Good Parenting Strategy?
NO NO NO!!!! For those of you who are wondering whether you should publicly humiliate your teen using social media as a consequence of bad behavior, I give a resounding two thumbs down. This recent story has made a lot of headlines, in the same vein as the computer shooting dad of a few months ago. It seems a young teen posted pictures of herself using alcohol. Rightly, her mom was supervising her facebook wall and saw the pictures. The consequence for the girl was to write the following sign and hold it up in a photo that was then posted on her facebook wall.
"Since I want to post photos of me holding liquor, I am obviously not ready for social media and will be taking a hiatus until I learn what I should and should not post.
The good news is that this mom is monitoring her daughter's facebook. For that she gets a definite "thumbs up." But humiliation as a consequence, not good. Will it work? Will humiliation stop this girl from posting inappropriate pictures, maybe...probably, but is that the only goal? Using public humiliation as a parenting techniques to me, is analogous to spanking to punish a child for doing something wrong. Fear and humiliation are the same to me. These are not healthy ways for kids to learn and then become motivated to change behavior. These are also the kinds of strategies that lead these same kids to bully and humiliate outside of the home. If this is a sanctioned strategy in one's home, why not do it outside the home? Hazing, bullying, taunting, where do you think kids learn how to do these things. The research is pretty strong here. If kids feel bullied and humiliated at home, they have to find their power outside of the home. Hello bullies.
When you find objectionable postings on your teen's wall, your best bet is using this " I get it moment" and a consequence where your teen can learn a new behavior. " Hey honey, I was really disappointed when I saw the photo of you holding up a bottle of booze on your facebook wall. Two things worried me, first that you are using alcohol, and second that you feel like you need to brag about it on facebook. I get you and your friends think its funny to post stuff like that, and maybe you thought it was OK to do because all your friends do it, but it can have some serious outcomes. From now on, you can only use the computer in the kitchen, when I am present, until I see that the stuff you post is OK to post. And as for the alcohol, you are not going to be allowed to go to homes or places that I do not feel are well supervised, or until I feel you have a plan in place to let you me know that you will make smart and safe decisions. You are welcome to have kids here, where I know you will be safe.
If you take away the computer, take away the phone, and ban facebook, your teen will just go underground with it and you will not have the teaching opportunity. Better to set up a situation where you feel you have more control and supervision. Humiliation as a consequence only serves to disconnect you and your teen. Teens make many many stupid mistakes. They are playing around with creating new personas and identities for themselves. This is normal. But like any child learning how to do something new, they aren't sure how to do it. Just punishing doesn't teach, it just punishes.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/18/reshonda-tate-billingsley-daughter-alcohol-photos-facebook_n_1528542.html?ref=email_share
"Since I want to post photos of me holding liquor, I am obviously not ready for social media and will be taking a hiatus until I learn what I should and should not post.
The good news is that this mom is monitoring her daughter's facebook. For that she gets a definite "thumbs up." But humiliation as a consequence, not good. Will it work? Will humiliation stop this girl from posting inappropriate pictures, maybe...probably, but is that the only goal? Using public humiliation as a parenting techniques to me, is analogous to spanking to punish a child for doing something wrong. Fear and humiliation are the same to me. These are not healthy ways for kids to learn and then become motivated to change behavior. These are also the kinds of strategies that lead these same kids to bully and humiliate outside of the home. If this is a sanctioned strategy in one's home, why not do it outside the home? Hazing, bullying, taunting, where do you think kids learn how to do these things. The research is pretty strong here. If kids feel bullied and humiliated at home, they have to find their power outside of the home. Hello bullies.
When you find objectionable postings on your teen's wall, your best bet is using this " I get it moment" and a consequence where your teen can learn a new behavior. " Hey honey, I was really disappointed when I saw the photo of you holding up a bottle of booze on your facebook wall. Two things worried me, first that you are using alcohol, and second that you feel like you need to brag about it on facebook. I get you and your friends think its funny to post stuff like that, and maybe you thought it was OK to do because all your friends do it, but it can have some serious outcomes. From now on, you can only use the computer in the kitchen, when I am present, until I see that the stuff you post is OK to post. And as for the alcohol, you are not going to be allowed to go to homes or places that I do not feel are well supervised, or until I feel you have a plan in place to let you me know that you will make smart and safe decisions. You are welcome to have kids here, where I know you will be safe.
If you take away the computer, take away the phone, and ban facebook, your teen will just go underground with it and you will not have the teaching opportunity. Better to set up a situation where you feel you have more control and supervision. Humiliation as a consequence only serves to disconnect you and your teen. Teens make many many stupid mistakes. They are playing around with creating new personas and identities for themselves. This is normal. But like any child learning how to do something new, they aren't sure how to do it. Just punishing doesn't teach, it just punishes.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/18/reshonda-tate-billingsley-daughter-alcohol-photos-facebook_n_1528542.html?ref=email_share
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
L Is For Lazy
Zits Comic:
Jeremy, barely awake, is walking towards the staircase going downstairs. Mom has placed a full basket of his dirty laundry at the top of staircase with a note that reads: JEREMY PLEASE CARRY THIS DOWNSTAIRS. Jeremy walks over the basket, not looking at the note. Jeremy gets downstairs where his mother awaits.
Mom: Where is it?
Jeremy: Where is what?
As a bonafide, card carrying lazybones, I totally understand Jeremy's behavior. Just this weekend, after looking at a discarded clothing tag from a recent purchase lying on the floor of my bedroom for over a week, I finally decided it might be time to pick it up. I have stepped on it, walked over it, walked around it, but it just seemed like too much work to bend over and pick it up. I am a mother's worst nightmare. Actually, maybe I was my mother's worst nightmare. I am clean and neat, but it's just those small things that I am just too lazy to pick up until company is coming, or I have a little extra energy for the bend-over. I know this may seem stupid to some of you who are saying " how hard can it be to just pick it up." Well, like Jeremy, or maybe your teen, it just doesn't bother me enough to pick it up, and when it does, I will.
So what do you do, when "your Jeremy" does not throw away his food wrappers, or take down her laundry for YOU to do, or put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher that HE used, or put away the clean laundry that YOU did for her, and on and on and on....? Well, you have a few choices here. You can groan, and just do it yourself, focusing instead on the bigger things so that your entire relationship with your teen is not focused on getting on them for all the millions of things that they don't do. You can withhold favors like rides and money by saying : " I'd love to drive you to the mall as soon as you put your laundry away, or you can choose not to put the laundry away, and find another way to the mall. that's fine too! Whatever you want to do"(said without sarcasm, really I mean that!!!!) Of course you'll get a groan and some muttering, (which you just ignore) but if it's important enough to them, they'll do it....otherwise they won't! And you can go about your business as usual.
Jeremy, barely awake, is walking towards the staircase going downstairs. Mom has placed a full basket of his dirty laundry at the top of staircase with a note that reads: JEREMY PLEASE CARRY THIS DOWNSTAIRS. Jeremy walks over the basket, not looking at the note. Jeremy gets downstairs where his mother awaits.
Mom: Where is it?
Jeremy: Where is what?
As a bonafide, card carrying lazybones, I totally understand Jeremy's behavior. Just this weekend, after looking at a discarded clothing tag from a recent purchase lying on the floor of my bedroom for over a week, I finally decided it might be time to pick it up. I have stepped on it, walked over it, walked around it, but it just seemed like too much work to bend over and pick it up. I am a mother's worst nightmare. Actually, maybe I was my mother's worst nightmare. I am clean and neat, but it's just those small things that I am just too lazy to pick up until company is coming, or I have a little extra energy for the bend-over. I know this may seem stupid to some of you who are saying " how hard can it be to just pick it up." Well, like Jeremy, or maybe your teen, it just doesn't bother me enough to pick it up, and when it does, I will.
So what do you do, when "your Jeremy" does not throw away his food wrappers, or take down her laundry for YOU to do, or put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher that HE used, or put away the clean laundry that YOU did for her, and on and on and on....? Well, you have a few choices here. You can groan, and just do it yourself, focusing instead on the bigger things so that your entire relationship with your teen is not focused on getting on them for all the millions of things that they don't do. You can withhold favors like rides and money by saying : " I'd love to drive you to the mall as soon as you put your laundry away, or you can choose not to put the laundry away, and find another way to the mall. that's fine too! Whatever you want to do"(said without sarcasm, really I mean that!!!!) Of course you'll get a groan and some muttering, (which you just ignore) but if it's important enough to them, they'll do it....otherwise they won't! And you can go about your business as usual.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Woman Gets Jail For Drinking Teens-Summertime And The Drinking Is Easy
This was the headline in the Boston Globe on Saturday. Not the summertime part, that's mine. In 2010 (the justice system works verrrrry slowly) police were called to a home after getting complaints about noise and underage drinking. One of the party goers was taken to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. Mom was convicted of supplying alcohol to minors and for allowing them to drink in her home. Her sentence is six months in prison. Harsh, I know. But clearly the judge is sending a message to all you parents out there who think that if you allow teens to drink in your home, you are keeping them safe.
We are heading into prom season, warm weather and for teens, party time!!! I have said this a million times, and I will say it a million more times, allowing teens to drink in your home IS NOT SAFE!!!!!! Just because you bought a couple of six packs for the kids and you're thinking;"if I just give them a couple of beers, and then they get a little buzzed, then they won't have to go out partying in the woods." You only know about the beers. What they have heard is this is a house where we can party with permission. "Are you f##king kidding me? Let's get trashed." And trashed they get by packing in any booze they can in their pockets, water bottles, backpacks, pocketbooks, iced tea bottles, coke bottles, etc etc etc.
Do not be naive parents. Do not assume you have any control once you have opened Pandora's box. And as I have said many many times, it is not your right to give permission to another parent's child to drink. You do not know their medical history, their psychological history, their family history, and any drama they might currently be dealing with. And pretending you don't know that kids are drinking at your house is a sham. YOU KNOW!! Be a presence. You may not be able to catch every swig, but at least the kids won't be so relaxed into thinking they can kick back and swig away. You may be saving a child's life by being that pain in the ass parent.
Be clear with your teen that by allowing drinking in the house, he/she is putting you at risk for being arrested. Nothing like a little guilt. Read them the above story. Your kids love you, and wouldn't like visiting you in the slammer. After all, who else would make them their macaroni and cheese and do their laundry? If kids are coming to your house for pre-prom or post-prom parties, or just cause parties, make sure you have a limit on the number of kids who can come. Ask your teen to provide you with a working guest list. Make sure kids enter and leave your house only through the front door, so you can assess their safety. Make sure that any basement/playroom doors to the outdoors are either alarmed or locked. Teens love love love to come in and out as they please, bringing in more people and more contraband. Be aware and be prepared!
Because we are heading into heavy duty party season, you need to have some good, serious discussions about the whole drug and alcohol issue as it relates to safety. Your I Get It moment; " You know honey, I know that now that the weather is warm, and you and your friends have more free time, partying is probably going to be somewhere in your plans. It scares me to think that you might drink too much, and not be aware of how the alcohol can affect you. When you power drink, and do shot after shot, your body just can't tolerate that much alcohol. It can shut down, you could black out, you could trip and fall, you can aspirate on your own vomit, some really ugly things. I need to know that you have a plan to keep yourself safe. I don't want you drinking or doing drugs at all, but I know how easy it is to get caught up in the moment. Let's figure this out together. I love you, and I couldn't bear it if something happened to you."
Be prepared for the eye-rolling, disgust and denial. Do not let it deter you. Love is a pretty strong deterrent.
We are heading into prom season, warm weather and for teens, party time!!! I have said this a million times, and I will say it a million more times, allowing teens to drink in your home IS NOT SAFE!!!!!! Just because you bought a couple of six packs for the kids and you're thinking;"if I just give them a couple of beers, and then they get a little buzzed, then they won't have to go out partying in the woods." You only know about the beers. What they have heard is this is a house where we can party with permission. "Are you f##king kidding me? Let's get trashed." And trashed they get by packing in any booze they can in their pockets, water bottles, backpacks, pocketbooks, iced tea bottles, coke bottles, etc etc etc.
Do not be naive parents. Do not assume you have any control once you have opened Pandora's box. And as I have said many many times, it is not your right to give permission to another parent's child to drink. You do not know their medical history, their psychological history, their family history, and any drama they might currently be dealing with. And pretending you don't know that kids are drinking at your house is a sham. YOU KNOW!! Be a presence. You may not be able to catch every swig, but at least the kids won't be so relaxed into thinking they can kick back and swig away. You may be saving a child's life by being that pain in the ass parent.
Be clear with your teen that by allowing drinking in the house, he/she is putting you at risk for being arrested. Nothing like a little guilt. Read them the above story. Your kids love you, and wouldn't like visiting you in the slammer. After all, who else would make them their macaroni and cheese and do their laundry? If kids are coming to your house for pre-prom or post-prom parties, or just cause parties, make sure you have a limit on the number of kids who can come. Ask your teen to provide you with a working guest list. Make sure kids enter and leave your house only through the front door, so you can assess their safety. Make sure that any basement/playroom doors to the outdoors are either alarmed or locked. Teens love love love to come in and out as they please, bringing in more people and more contraband. Be aware and be prepared!
Because we are heading into heavy duty party season, you need to have some good, serious discussions about the whole drug and alcohol issue as it relates to safety. Your I Get It moment; " You know honey, I know that now that the weather is warm, and you and your friends have more free time, partying is probably going to be somewhere in your plans. It scares me to think that you might drink too much, and not be aware of how the alcohol can affect you. When you power drink, and do shot after shot, your body just can't tolerate that much alcohol. It can shut down, you could black out, you could trip and fall, you can aspirate on your own vomit, some really ugly things. I need to know that you have a plan to keep yourself safe. I don't want you drinking or doing drugs at all, but I know how easy it is to get caught up in the moment. Let's figure this out together. I love you, and I couldn't bear it if something happened to you."
Be prepared for the eye-rolling, disgust and denial. Do not let it deter you. Love is a pretty strong deterrent.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Independence: Fear It Or Embrace It
Last week Time Magazine came out with a very provocative cover. It showed a mom with her 4 year old son standing on a stool breastfeeding. The article discusses a parenting trend called "Attachment Parenting," which basically asserts that there should not be an age limit to the breastfeeding of children. If children still wants a "snack" at 3, 4, 5 or even 6 years old and parents are still willing, and if it seems to comfort and bring closeness to the child-parent relationship, why not?
I was interviewed by USA Today and the Christian Science Monitor newspapers last week for my take on this controversial cover which you can read below. So I won't go into my thoughts on that particular issue in this blog, but it did make me think about parents who keep their teens at their metaphorical breasts. The question all parents need to ask, whether as a parent of a 4 year old, or a parent of a 14 year old is this: "Whose needs am I meeting here? Do I keep my teen dependent on me whether by "helping them," (and by this I mean doing) their homework for them, keeping them close to home, make my opinions from what clothes to wear, what friends to keep, or even something so simple as what to eat at a restaurant, so indispensable that they are terrified to make a decision without me. Do I "help them"and by this I mean, get their summer jobs for them, write their college applications, and don't hold them accountable when they screw up, all in the name of support? Do I solve all their problems and make everything all better so they don't have to feel anxiety or depression?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, let's hope your breast milk dries up soon. The task of all adolescents is to become adept at becoming confident in their ability to take care of themselves. If they rely on you to "feed them" and to anticipate for them when they will be "hungry" they will be completely unprepared for the challenges they face as soon as they walk out the door of your home. And you don't have to wait for college for them to have to face this world. That happens every single day of their life. If your teen is texting you a million times a day asking what he/she should do in this situation, or in that one, whether with their teacher, their coach, or their friends, they are still hanging on that breast. That must feel pretty good to you. There is nothing more satisfying than being needed by your teen. And thought they might not like to hear you say, "gee honey, I don't know what you should do. What do you think?" Think they must. Remember this generation likes to get information fast. Don't be their google button. Let them go hungry!
http://www.csmonitor.com/USA/Society/2012/0511/Time-breast-feeding-cover-On-parenting-can-we-all-get-along?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+feeds%2Fusa+%28Christian+Science+Monitor+|+USA
I was interviewed by USA Today and the Christian Science Monitor newspapers last week for my take on this controversial cover which you can read below. So I won't go into my thoughts on that particular issue in this blog, but it did make me think about parents who keep their teens at their metaphorical breasts. The question all parents need to ask, whether as a parent of a 4 year old, or a parent of a 14 year old is this: "Whose needs am I meeting here? Do I keep my teen dependent on me whether by "helping them," (and by this I mean doing) their homework for them, keeping them close to home, make my opinions from what clothes to wear, what friends to keep, or even something so simple as what to eat at a restaurant, so indispensable that they are terrified to make a decision without me. Do I "help them"and by this I mean, get their summer jobs for them, write their college applications, and don't hold them accountable when they screw up, all in the name of support? Do I solve all their problems and make everything all better so they don't have to feel anxiety or depression?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, let's hope your breast milk dries up soon. The task of all adolescents is to become adept at becoming confident in their ability to take care of themselves. If they rely on you to "feed them" and to anticipate for them when they will be "hungry" they will be completely unprepared for the challenges they face as soon as they walk out the door of your home. And you don't have to wait for college for them to have to face this world. That happens every single day of their life. If your teen is texting you a million times a day asking what he/she should do in this situation, or in that one, whether with their teacher, their coach, or their friends, they are still hanging on that breast. That must feel pretty good to you. There is nothing more satisfying than being needed by your teen. And thought they might not like to hear you say, "gee honey, I don't know what you should do. What do you think?" Think they must. Remember this generation likes to get information fast. Don't be their google button. Let them go hungry!
http://www.csmonitor.com/USA/Society/2012/0511/Time-breast-feeding-cover-On-parenting-can-we-all-get-along?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+feeds%2Fusa+%28Christian+Science+Monitor+|+USA
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