Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Happy Holiday

Taking some time to rejuvenate. Hope you are too!! Have a wonderful holiday season!
Joani

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Making Time With Your Teen


A middle schooler writes to Ask Amy:" In my family, almost every night my mother and father watch adult oriented TV and movies. I am allowed to come into the room when they are watching, but I would really like to play a board game with them or even watch a family appropriate movie instead. My mother is very busy with her full time teaching job and I feel that barging into the room in the middle of a movie to play a game is rude, but how else could I ensure some family time without disturbing her? Am I being too pushy, and should I leave them to their leisure time because they are busy."

How sweet and sad is that letter! The other day I was getting frozen yogurt (my favorite) and spied a mom sitting with her young teen son having some yogurt after school. The mom was busy texting away on her phone, while her son, hunched over the table, just kind of sat there looking lost. I know we are always talking about how rude our teens are can't be separated from their phones, but how about you? How attached are you to yours?

Believe it or not, many teens do want to spend time with you, they are just embarrassed to ask, lest it sound needy and immature. In a questionnaire I gave to 60 teens ages 14-18, this very issue was oft repeated when asked: I LOVE WHEN MY PARENT (S):

  • Ask me to go places with them because I really don't get to do that a lot.
  • Spend time just watching TV with me because I never get to spend time with them.
  • Ask me to do things with them cause that's the best.
  • Can just talk and hang out and have fun with me.

Our lives are all pretty crazy, especially if you are working, taking care of an elderly parent, and have kids. Getting laundry and food shopping done, returning emails, and god forbid take some time for yourself is a full day. But your teens are watching your every move,and if they see that it's alright to multitask then they will do it too. But another takeaway from them, is that you are just too busy for them. Are you constantly checking your phone when your kids are in the car, at a restaurant, before and after dinner, while you are watching one of their sports practices and games. Do you take your work home with you, and your kids get that you are unavailable?  Are you halfway in or all the way?

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Teen Texting: A Translation Manuel For Their Secret Language

I recently found this glossary of letter combinations that teens use to keep parents in the dark. Enjoy!


PIR = Parent in room
PAL = Parents are Listening
AITR = Adult in the room
PAW = Parents are Watching
PA or PA911 = Parent Alert
CD9 or Code 9 = Parent around
99 = Parent gone
303 = Mom

And now for the language of sex!


GNOC = Get naked on camera
GYPO = Get your pants off
IWSN= I want sex now
LH6 = Let’s have sex
CU46 = See you for sex
53X= Sex
8 = Oral sex
TDTM = Talk dirty to me
PRON= Porn
IPN= I’m posting naked
NIFOC= Naked in front of computer
WTTP= Want to trade pictures?
 ?^= Want to Hook Up? NSA=No Strings Attached
RU/18 = Are You Over 18?
I&I = Intercourse & Inebriation



Thursday, December 11, 2014

The Minefield Of Middle School Friendships

Recently I met with a group of moms of 6th graders. The pain in the room was palpable. Why are these kids so mean to each other? And why aren't  parents on top of their kid's meanness? There is nothing more painful than comforting your young teen who has been excluded from some event that ALL her friends have been invited too, except for her or him. And often adding insult to injury is that the parent of the excluded can not understand why the parent of the excluder doesn't step in and tell her child that either everyone is invited or no one is invited.

Middle school reeks havoc with friendships. Kids in 6th grade come into middle school with their best friends from elementary school. But in the melting pot of new kids from the other schools in town, new kids who have moved into town and kids who have moved from private school to public school, the old friend relationships often takes a hit. Maybe a new kid sees in opening in a group, forms an alliance with a "new friend" and courts that group for membership. She may see someone in that group as a barrier to membership and seeks to oust that kid to make space for herself. There is nothing more important in middle school than having "your group."

One of the moms in this group told me of an incident where all her daughter's best friends and one new friend had been invited to a sleepover, but not her. She was devastated, and found out that the "new girl" had lobbied against her inclusion. As we dug a bit deeper, I found out that the new girl had not been invited to an after school outing that the excluded girl had hosted. Are you following me here? So I think that the new girl was doing a little "payback" for not being invited to the after school event. 'If she didn't invite me to her thing than I'll make sure she doesn't get invited to this other thing." Oy, yes it's petty, it's hurtful, and it's normal.

Now the question that came up with these moms, is should they intervene, and make sure that everyone is included? Here is what I think. In elementary school, it is all for one and one for all. Everyone is included as much as possible. But as kids move into adolescence, friendships take on a new dimension. When they were younger, any body would do, as kids get older, they do begin to look more closely at their friends. Do I even like this kid? Do we have anything in common? Maybe one of the friends is ready to move on to more teenagery behavior, and feels like they have outgrown an old friend. Is it the parent's job to keep these friendships, unfortunately no. Your teen does have a right to move on from people. But as a parent it is your job to help them do it with as much kindness and mindfulness as they can. Because as kids grow into teens, they do become more narcissistic, and are looking out mostly for themselves. They do need some help.

In that earlier example, I do think both of the moms might have said to their daughters:" Hey honey, I noticed you didn't invite X. She has always been one of your good friends. What's up with that? I think her feelings will be really hurt. I get that your friends might be changing, but maybe we can figure out a way for you to that without hurting her feelings." Your job as a parent during this difficult time of transitioning friendships is not to make them feel guilty for wanting to move on, but to help them with a strategy that will be the least hurtful. Middle school friendship transitions are probably the hardest it will ever be. These kids  are so vulnerable and so much is changing for them simultaneously that as parents we just want to protect them from all this hurt. Hurt is part of life, and teaching them coping and recovery skills can help.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

The Power Of Understanding



When I was 13 my father died. It was 1964. It happened just before the end of 8th grade. It was sudden, and without warning. My dad dropped me off at school that morning and then was heading off to the hospital for a routine hernia operation. He had assured me it was no biggie, and that he’d be home the next day. By the time I arrived home after hanging out with my best friend Patty at the local tennis courts after school, my father had gone
 into cardiac arrest, was in a coma, and died a week later.

People often ask me why I became a parenting expert, and where the inspiration came for writing my books. It was losing my dad at 13. Honestly I can remember those feelings of loneliness, embarrassment, and loss like it was yesterday. The loneliness was not because I didn’t have friends or family to comfort me. I had many wonderful people in my life. But I was comforted from the outside not from within. Friends distracted me with activities, family with meals and company, but my feelings were locked away. My mom was bereft. She had lost the love of her life, and with only a week to mourn she was forced to take over my dad’s busy medical laboratory, and went from being a stay at home mom like everybody else’s mom to a working mom, like nobody else’s mom. More embarrassment came from being the girl with the “dead dad. Seriously, no one else was dying. No cancers, heart attacks, or car accidents, I was the only kid I knew whose parent had died. I felt different and unique, but definitely not in a good way. I did everything in my power to look and be normal, because the biggest curse for a teenager is to be different. My worry about how people would think about me or act around me forced me to send my emotional self underground. 

When I was with my friends or family I was chirpy, bubbly Joani. The person I had always been. But after school, alone in my house, under a blanket, eating a bag of Oreo cookies for comfort, I was the real me; the girl who felt completely alone. This was 1964, and the days of having a therapist on speed dial had yet to come. Since I acted and seemed like I was OK, everybody assumed I was OK. But I was not OK. Oreo cookies as a diet staple made me fat. Report cards were a humiliation, D’s and C’s. And the final insult was that all my friends had boyfriends, I did not. I was grieving, and I was depressed, and no one knew. 

Fast forward to adulthood and becoming a therapist. I was on a mission; I would leave no teenager misunderstood! But I realized as time went on, and then when I became a mother, that teaching parents to understand their children might be a better ambition. 

Unfortunately for parents, we often find ourselves so focused on our kid’s futures, that we sometimes forget to live in the moment with them. We worry that if they don’t do their homework, get good grades, get involved in activities, clean their room, come home on time, stay away from drugs/alcohol/sex, etc., they might unknowingly shoot themselves in the foot and screw up their chances for getting into the best schools, getting the best jobs, and becoming the best people they can be.Teens, however, have a completely different perspective on the future. They are not looking ahead, one year, three years, five years; in fact, they can barely make to the next minute. And when parents don’t get that, don’t understand that the small, seemingly insignificant events which teens experience on a daily basis constantly distract them, there is a huge disconnect and a common refrain from kids: “you just don’t understand.”

Amazingly in the years after my father died, not one person said to me: “ You must be feeling so sad. You’ve lost your dad, and you kind of lost your mom too. You have so much more responsibility than any of your other friends, taking care of running the household while your mom is working and grieving. Your life really sucks right now, doesn’t it?” Just knowing that someone got me…and got it, would have given me so much relief, and helped me to move forward.

So take a minute and think about your kids. Are you just focusing on the behavior? Is it just that they are lazy, or spend too much time on social networking, or don’t care about school? Could there be some other things going on beneath the surface? What might be the issues that are causing their distraction or change in attitude towards you? Perhaps they worry about feeling accepted by their friends, or worry about their own competence when it comes to school or sports, or whatever interests they have. Are they sensing and picking up on tensions and issues that are going on in the family, and find it hard to focus on school? Give them the gift of understanding. “ You know honey, I get keeping up with all this social networking stuff is actually really hard. I know how important it is to feel accepted by your friends,” rather than just getting mad at them for being on their phone 24/7. Or, “you know honey, I know things have been stressful around here, with (fill in the blank with family stressors) and we are all pretty quick to get angry at each other. I know that must make it hard for you to concentrate sometimes.” Rather than, you are missing a million homework assignments, and your grades are going down the tubes!”

There is nothing more powerful and comforting than being understood. It’s not easy to get out of our own way sometimes and give this simple gift to our kids. Just ask me, I have been a mother for 31 years, and I am still working on it!

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Balancing Work And Family

Do you and/or your partner sometimes leave for work in the morning, knowing that the return home might be days later from a business trip, or late at night after long hours on the job? This is never easy. It is not easy for the kids who don't see one or more of their parents very often or for any length of time, and who seem out of the loop about what's going on in their lives.  It is also not easy for the parents who feel conflicted about not giving enough to their job, or conflicted about not giving enough to their family.

There have been a confluence of situations with families this week that gave me pause for thought. For one single mom, she has had to turn over most of the parenting responsibilities to her mom, who luckily lives in the same complex. Her job demands now that she travel 3 or 4 days a week, and as a single mom, with full custody of her teen, this is a situation fraught with ambivalence. She has to earn her living, and her daughter needs to be supervised, but together they have little time. Another single dad with 3 kids, has a team of nannies looking after his elementary and teen aged kids. He too, must travel, knows his kids are well cared for, but not by him. And finally, I was watching a documentary about the life of working in an advertising agency, and the toll long hours can wreak on families. One particular scene showed a young dad receiving a phone call from his wife, reminding him that he hadn't seen his kids for 4 nights running. Feeling guilt and sadness, the father secretly leaves his office to steal a bedtime ritual with his kids. The kids run to their dad, climbing all over him like a jungle gym, until a call from the office demands he return to deal with an imminent deadline. The kids burst into tears, not understanding why their daddy can't just stay home. They do not understand deadlines! The pain on this guy's face, having to leave his children, and the pain on his wife's on being left with the children was palpable. Real life, real conflict!! Sound familiar?

Young children can be bribed, reasoned with and cuddled. Teens, not so much. Entering in and out of a teen's life is not easy. They are apt to be angry that mom or dad is unavailable when they are needed and resent the parent for wanting to bud in on a life they are not much a part of. Such was the case with this single mom. The daughter's life is unlike any of her friends. She lives in a wealthy suburban town where her friends live in large comfortable houses. She lives in an apartment. Her friends can go home after school to houses where a parent is present, she has to go to her grandmother's. She often has to sleep at her grandmother's. She loves her grandmother, but misses the comfort of just being able to hang in her own room, when she wants. She and mom are not in a good place. There is unspoken resentment and anger from the daughter. The mom feels awful, and guilty most of the time.

If you have a partner, or you are the parent whose hours at work outnumber the hours at home, you have to work hard at letting your teen know you understand that this can be difficult. You do not need to  apologize for your work, cause that is what you have to do to provide for your family, but understanding how this might be a difficult for your teen, and communicating them to them is vital.

Here is a conversation I suggested she have with her daughter, one she has never had. '' You know honey, I was thinking the other day while I was sitting on the plane that your life is so different from your friends, and how hard that might be for you sometimes. I admire you so much for your ability to be so flexible, and to often have to give up your own comforts and routines just because of my schedule. I don't think I have ever told you how much I really appreciate all you do and all you often have to give up because of the kind of life we have. I love you, and think you are amazing for putting up with all this. "

Most times a teen just needs to be validated that its OK to feel that their life isn't they way they wish it was,  and that they wish their parents didn't have to work so much, and were away so much. You don't need to buy them expensive gifts to prove your love. Making your teen feel important can be as easy as having the conversation above, and a quick daily text saying, "I miss you", or, "hope you had a good day", or a nightly bedtime ritual call when you are away. No need to feel guilty or defensive, just loving. That can go a long long way!

I think this would be a great holiday gift!!!
http://www.amazon.com/Survival-Guide-Parenting-Teens-Drinking/dp/0814433669/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1393167330&sr=8-1&keywords=a+survival+guide+to+parenting+teens

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Instagram: I'm More Popular Than You Are

Remember the good old days when posting a photo on instagram was just about showing friends what you were up too? Well no more, especially if you are the parent of a teenage girl. The article below is definitely required reading for Instagram 101. I will summarize, but I not only encourage you to read it for yourselves, but also make it required reading for your teen, and then get their take on how this phenomenon affects them personally.

Accumulating "likes" is the least of instagram, but a really important part of it. If I post a photo and get "a million likes," I am popular, at least for that photo. But I also have to "like" other people's photo's so that when I have posted, they will like me back! It is a game of tit for tat, that goes on 24/7. No respite. If few people like your photo, then you feel "instashame." A term teenagers have coined for the absence of "popularity and "likes" on instagram. This is very serious business, and I'm actually not joking.

We have a whole generation of kids basing their self-esteem on how many kids "like" some silly photo they have posted. Its no wonder so many kids have depression! Seriously!!

Here are some other strategies teens use to raise or lower the popularity of their supposed friends:


  • being tagged in a photo even if you're not in it = popular
  • commenting on a photo you "like" with a "TBH ILYSM" (translation: to be honest I love you so much = popular
  • commenting on a photo with "TBH we don't hang out that much" = not popular
  • refusing to follow someone who is following you on instagram, is basically a F##k you!
  • being cropped out of a photo that you were originally in, a big F##k you!
  • giving your friendship a public 1-10 rating. This could mean popular or outcast depending on where you land on the scale
  • seeing all your friends in a photo posted on instagram from a party or sleepover, let's you know that you were excluded from an event you think you should have been at =feeling really really bad.
The article gets into the specifics so I will leave the author to finish your education. More importantly is what you do with this information. Here is one thing you shouldn't do: When you talk to your teen, do not lecture or pass judgement on the ridiculousness of this pastime. Of course from an adult perspective it is ridiculous! But seen through the eyes of your teen, it is serious business. And if you want your teen to be able to process their feelings about this, you need to start where they are. Which is to say to them: "I get how important this is in your life. It both gives you a lot of power to make your friends feel really good or really bad, and it also gives your friends power to make you feel really good or really bad. Tell me what this is like for you? Are their days that you feel bad because you don't feel like you've gotten enough "likes"? Do you think you have made someone else feel bad by not "liking' their photos?

Parents, you really do have to have conversations in ernest about this. I know it may make you gag, and want to take their phone and throw it out the window. I know I would. You can't do that, but you can limit the amount of time they can obsess about this. Please shut your teen's phone off during school, and for a few hours a night, whether they have homework or not. They will hate you for a week or two, but ultimately will feel relief that they can get off the endless cycle of "likes" and worry about what their friends are thinking about them. Their teenage brain is overloading on this stuff, and too much of this can be toxic!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Giving

In the last few months, close friends of mine have dealt with life issues that seem unbearable; loss of a child, parents and husbands; children who have been diagnosed with scary health issues; big big big issues. It does make me feel so thankful for the blessings of family, friends, satisfying work, and good health. Life isn't perfect, and there are many days I feel discouraged, or whiny about what now seem like such silly things in light of what my friends are dealing with. So this Thanksgiving is a time for real thanks.

Your teen may need a little dose of that thanks this holiday. Maybe things haven't been so great. Maybe report cards have been disappointing, or their attitude towards you and the family has you pulling your hair out, or they seem ungrateful and entitled, or distant and uncommunicative. There is not much good to be found. And the more they disappoint, the more you pull away.  Sometimes we need an excuse to wipe the slate. Why not have Thanksgiving be that excuse. If you have found the last few months weighing in on the negative, maybe just for the next few days, you share some thankful moments with your teen. Maybe a text, or a card left on their bed with a " I get things have been hard between us over the last few months, but I am so grateful that you are my son/daughter. I cannot imagine my life without your (insert some of the good stuff here, here are some examples: humor; getting me to watch movies I never would have picked but loved; forced me to learn about..., you get the idea.) I know we will get past this other stuff. I love you."

Don't look for a response or a thank you. This is a selfless gift you are giving with no expectations. Teens need to know that with all the crap they hand out, you will always love them, plain and simple.

Treasure these days.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

When Your Teen Is Sneaky

I got a wonderful e-mail recently from a parent who is struggling with "sneakiness" from her teenage son. Do I hear a chorus of "me too". This is a classic parent-teen struggle. You work hard to set reasonable rules, and your teen works just as hard to wrangle him/herself around them. Here is what this parent wrote: "I believe he senses me becoming "paranoid" and questioning things because I don't trust...and he then becomes sneakier. How do I break that cycle and how do you convey confidence and trust when they have broken that trust?"

Let's play this out. You make a rule. This mom had a rule about no food in the basement. She goes down the basement and finds cans and wrappers stashed behind furniture. This a relatively minor infraction but a great example of how these small things build up, create niggles of doubt, until full out distrust and paranoia develop. Fill in the blank here with the smaller rule breakers that your teen challenges you with. 

Here is your "I Get It" moment: "Hey honey, I just found (fill in the blank) wrappers and cans in the basement. Clearly you think this is a rule worth breaking. Give me an alternative. I'd rather we come up with something together, that we both can agree on, rather than you disagreeing with something and sneaking around to do what you want anyway." The work is always to encourage truth-telling. When you include your teen in the rule-making, at least you get them to have partial ownership of the problem. Here is how you can do this. Using the above example, 

Your teen will probably say: "its stupid that I can't eat downstairs where I hang out."

Parent says;" What do you think I am worried about when you ..........." 

In this case kid will say: "that I will trash the basement." 

Mom can say: "Yes that's right, so what will you do to assure me you won't trash the basement, and get rid of your trash."

 Now the owness is on the teen to come up with a plan that makes you happy.

Final question from parent: "What will the consequence be if you don't follow through on your plan."

The consequence is in place. If you aren't satisfied with the consequence your teen comes up with, offer one up yourself. Maybe in this case, you are banned from the basement for 24 hours if I find trash down there. 

As your kids get older, they will disagree with you more and more. Your choice is to set your rules, and watch your kids dance around them, or engage them in the process so they feel a part of the process. They want to manage their life, they are driven to manage their life, even if they don't do it well. It's called practice! It is up to you to give them opportunity to practice, by including them in the process. They will screw up. But I think it is less about trust, and more about temptation. Teen''s are impulsive, and don't think things through for very long. They need help in that department. So when you find the beer can in the basement, what you want is use that to open conversation. So rather than getting angry, and going with a "how can you betray my trust like this" You might say" I was surprised to find this beer. I know we don't have any in the house, so either you or one of your friends brought it in. What are you going to do to make me feel OK about being in the basement and sneaking in beer or booze.?" Again, using the words trust can be loaded. Teens are tempted by all the fun stuff teens want to do and try. They need your help to stay safe and trustworthy, not just your anger.  

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Having Realistic Expectations For Your Teen: It Could Save Their Life

Close your eyes and imagine your teen 2 years from now, 4 years from now, 10 years from now. Do you imagine them walking the halls of your alma mater? Do you imagine them following in your footsteps into a profession that closely resembles yours? Are you imagining outcome? What is success after all?

In the last few months and as recently as last weekend, I read or heard about a number of teen suicides. These kids should have been the success stories; star students, star athletes, popular, and all around wonderful young people. Where is the disconnect? 

Sometimes our kids absorb the expectations of everyone around them, and put their own ideas about who they want to become on the back burner. They feel the power of your pride in their successes, and the power of the responsibility they feel toward their teams, their school, their friends.

The video below is by a high school student who has witnessed a recent cluster of suicides at her high school in Palo Alto Ca. Her first hand observations are quite powerful. 

Watch this video with your teen, and ask the hard, but very important question: Do we put too much pressure on you? What could we do differently? Give your teen the gift of acceptance and understanding. It is way more important than honor roll. 

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Curfews


Here is a Q&A I did recently about curfews. Enjoy!!!

What are some behaviors a parent should look for before deciding their young teen is ready for a curfew?

As long as parents are in the driver seat, literally, there is no need for a curfew. When your teen has started to do the “walk and hangs” sans parental supervision, It’s time for a curfew.

Why do teens need curfews?

Teens live in the present. Wherever and whatever they’re doing in the moment causes them to lose track of time. They are not thinking: “oh I need to get home to do my homework, or my chores, or for dinner with the fam!” They need help in setting limits, and help in taking responsibility for their time. For some teens, this comes naturally, for most teens it does not.

What are the benefits of a curfew -- for the teen and for the parent?

Curfews can keep teens safe. Too much time out with no time boundaries can put teens in riskier situations. Knowing that there is an end to an evening makes teens more aware of their behavior, and may help they to say no to situations that involve risky behaviors. For parents they are teaching their kids the concept of accountability. This is a life skill and one that will be important as they move into adulthood.

What’s the best way for a parent to go about instituting or establishing a curfew?

This absolutely should be a joint venture between the parent and the teen. Curfews handed down from “parent on high” have the potential for “curfew abuse” This happens when a parents sets an unreasonably early curfew, which the teen is then driven to manipulate. For example if there is an 11 PM curfew which a teen feels is unfair, the parents will get a call at 10:59 PM with a fantastically wonderful excuse from their teen why they can’t be home at 11 PM. Parent gives in and says, fine be home by 11:45 PM. Teen has just learned a bad lesson; my parents can be manipulated, and I can get what I want. If instead the parent had said to the teen, “what time do you think will work for you tonight.” The teen would probably say 11:30 ish. Parents can than say “fine, and what will be the consequence if you are late?” Because the teen has had a say, they are much more likely to take ownership of the curfew and come in on time.

How long should a child have a curfew before a parent considers making it later?

I am not a fan of a rigid set curfew time. I don’t see it as an age question. I think that curfews do depend on what the activity is. I think curfew setting should be a fluid process. If for example a teen is going to hang at a friends house or going to a party, maybe an earlier curfew. If going to a concert or a movie, it may be a later one.

What’s the best way for a parent to handle it when their teen breaks curfew? See below

What’s a parent to do when their teen chooses to ignore/disregard the curfew?
If a parent has used the process I described above by including the teen in curfew and consequence setting it makes this issue very clear and easy. The teen would have already decided what his consequence would be if he was late. This way when this teen screws up all a parent has to say is “sorry this didn’t work out for you, I guess we’ll be hanging next Friday night together.”

When a teen does ignore or disregard, obviously there would be a consequence of not going out one night the next weekend or docking time. But more importantly parents should work with their teen on strategies to be “curfew successful” There should be a conversation on what would help them the next time. Maybe they did lose track of time, and just were having too much fun to leave. In this case, maybe suggesting to their teen they set some kind of alarm on their phone that gives them a heads-up on the time. Or another strategy is that parents can give teens an hour window to call them for a curfew change. Perhaps a teens curfew is at 11:30. Parents may say if you call me by 10:30 for an extension I will consider it. But anytime after that will always be a NO. Again this makes teens take responsibility for time management. 

PS: Contact me if you think your high school or middle school would like me to come to do one of my 2 hour seminars: Adolescent Psychology- The Parent Version; Sexting, Texting and Social Networking, What's A Parent To do?; Understanding Your teen's risk for Alcohol and Drug use. What's Your Teen's Personality Style? joani@joanigeltman.com

Read my new book:
http://www.amazon.com/Survival-Guide-Parenting-Teens-Drinking/dp/0814433669/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1393167330&sr=8-1&keywords=a+survival+guide+to+parenting+teens

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Don't Talk To Me!

I was giving a seminar the other night, and one of the parent asked me what to do if your teen literally does not talk to you? She described her situation this way: "he walks in the house, goes to the refrigerator or cabinet, takes his food, brings it up to his room, shuts his door...gone for the night. He seems to be doing OK at school, since his grades seem fine when the report card comes in. Where he goes, what he does when he is not home or at sports seems to be a mystery. What can I do?"

OK if you have a teen who has completely shut down, there is a reason, and I am afraid the reason is not just that he/she is an uncommunicative teenager. Many teens don't sit down with their parents in the family room for long chats about life, but there are meals together, or an occasional meet ups in the kitchen. If your teen literally has cut you out of his/her life there is a more serious problem.

My first suggestion is to take stock of your side of the relationship between you and your teen. Last night I was giving a seminar on stress and teens and asked parents to go home, sit down with their teen and say: "I get your life can get pretty stressful, with school stuff, and sports or drama or your job, and I know your friends are important to you and that takes up a lot of room in your life. Is there anything we are doing that is contributing to your stress. What can we do differently to make your life less stressful?"

This can be a go-to discussion for your alienated teen as well. Something has gotten in the way of your relationship, and it is possible that unknowingly you have said or done something that has turned your teen off to you. You must find our what that is, before you can close the chasm. This is a chance for your teen to "give you a report card." It might be hard to hear, but hear it you must. The hardest part of this conversation is not the hearing but the not responding. Your job is to listen.....period. It is not to defend yourself, or over-explain why you parent him/her the way you do. Your gift is your opening yourself up to feedback. As parents we give "feedback" to our teens all the time. "if you would just .....", or "you never...." or "why can't you......?" Now it is their turn. Sometimes as parents we operate on automatic, using our go-to lectures to get our kids to do what we want them to. But guess what, those lectures go in one ear and out the other, and your teens aren't listening anyway.

So if you have a teen who has shut you out. Let him/her know that you miss them, you love them and that you want to figure out what you might be doing that has changed the way they feel about you. You might hear something that hurts, but honesty in a relationship is good. Honesty can sometimes be painful but it can also be a healer.

Maybe your relationship with your teen is good, but this is still a good conversation to have with your teen, cause it can only get better!

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

You Are So Annoying!!!!


Often after my seminars, parents come up to give me a personal greeting. Sometimes I meet parents who have been repeat attenders of my seminar. ( I love that). They tell me that after their first seminar with me they left breathing a sigh of relief. Their kid may have only been 11 or 12, and most of what I said did not apply yet to their relationship with their teen. They report leaving the seminar thinking, oh good, I think we've dodged that teen bullet, our teen doesn't behave at all like Joani said. We must be doing one helluva job!!! Little did they know, that a year or two later, once again sitting in the audience of another of my seminars they would nod their head in agreement and wonder whether I lived in their house as my descriptions of the teen behaviors rang so very true.....now.

I think one of the hardest changes that parents experience with their teen is the abrupt change in their teens behavior towards them. Their teen literally goes  from being open and loving one day, to cold and secretive literally the next day. Parents feel puzzled by this,  questioning what they might have done wrong to ellicit this change. Answer: nothing.

Apparently your teen got the new memo, if you are acting nice to your parents, then stop. It is unseemly for teens to be nice to the "enemy. " Maybe your teen was sitting in the cafeteria, or on the bus, and a bunch of kids were slamming their parents..."man I hate my parents, they never let me do anything." Or maybe, "my parents are so nosy, always looking over my shoulder when I'm on the computer, they are such a pain!" So there your teen is, listening, and wondering, "gee I get along good with my parents, is that bad? And BAM they come home and practice being a "teen." So that may be one explanation.

Here is another. One of the major tasks of adolescence is separation/individuation. The work of developing a personal identity means stepping back from the people who have been the closest and most influential in their lives. How am I like my parents? How am I different from my parents? Where am I in all this? Unfortunately these questions are not consciously being asked in that teen brain of theirs. Instead this new brain is giving them new thoughts they have never thought before. "God my parents are so annoying, I hate the way they dress, eat, talk, think, ask so many questions etc." The truth is, it isn't really about you, it is more the process by which they are trying to figure out what they think, and what they feel. And for all of his/her life they have kind of depended on you to figure that out for them. Now they know that they have to figure this stuff out for themselves. Adolescence is after all, the training period for adulthood.

So when your teen tells you that you are annoying and gives you 'the look", try not to take it personally. A shoulder shrug, and an I love you, should say it all.

PS: I will be at Sharon High School, Sharon Ma on Wednesday November 5 from 7-9 and at Furnace Brook Middle School in Marshfield Ma on Thursday Nov 6th from 7-9. I will giving my seminar; Adolescent Psychology The Parent Version. Both are open to the public....COME

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Don't Forget You have ........Today!!!


Are your teens mom or dad dependent for remembering for them? Somehow, you become that person of blame when a practice or rehearsal is missed, or a music lesson, or haircut even though you have a very distinct memory of reminding your teen just that morning of said practice, lesson or appointment. And now somehow, it has become your fault that they forgot it. Isn't it always that way? You never get credit for the good stuff you are responsible for, but get sh** for the stuff that is really their responsibility.

Family calendars in theory are a great idea, especially if you have several children. But their effectiveness is more about keeping your head straight about who is going where and when than for your kids. They can open and close the refrigerator door a thousand time, and never once glance at the schedule. After all, their head is filled with way more important things as they mindlessly survey the contents of the fridge. That big board is just filled with alot of useless letters and words.

So you have a choice. Let the calendar speak for itself, and declare yourself off duty as the schedule master. If you stick to your guns, your teens will learn by default that the responsibility of keeping track of their lives will fall to them. Natural consequences like angry coaches or piano teachers might yield a change in behavior. Or, you can keep the schedule in play for youself, and find better strategies to remind your kids about what is coming up. Just saying "don't forget...." is not a strategy. In the moment they hear you, but in the chaos of their brain, as soon as a thought with more importance pings, your reminder is long gone. Develop a system together, a text message, a note on their steering wheel if they drive, an alarm set on their phone. Be creative, like dogs who salivate when they hear the can opener, and know that food is on the way, so can your teens be trained. Just get creative!

And in other news,  I will only be writing blogs on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I want to make sure my blogs stay fresh and full of energy. And hey, how about telling 5 new people about my book? Word of mouth is the best advertising there is. And for all my loyal blog followers you would be doing a "mitzvah" (that's yiddish for a good deed.) Now that you know that word, you can use it on your kids every time they do something nice! They won't know what you mean, but it sounds really nice!

Thursday, October 23, 2014

How To Relieve Stress...Easily

You might be surprised to know that according to the theory of the worst offenders in the stress category, it is the "daily hassles" rather than a major life crisis that causes one to feel the most stressed on any given day. Traffic, being late, pop quizzes, demanding bosses, irritating teens, irritating parents, lines at the supermarket, no parking spaces, speeding tickets, parking tickets, dirty laundry, over scheduled, being rushed, etc, etc, etc. I am sure that you and your teens can build on this list forever. It's not that the big things like report cards, college stuff, financial difficulties, family illness or crisis, marriage and partner issues don't cause us stress, that would be a ridiculous thing to say, but it is the smaller stuff that happens on a daily basis that makes us the most crazy.

The good news is that there is an anecdote to these daily hassles. It is called "uplifts." An uplift is an unexpected pleasant surprise (for me, after a crummy day of hassles, it is stopping by my favorite frozen yogurt store for my fix and finding out that Black Raspberry is the flavor of the day. Honestly that changes everything for me.) Or, an uplift can be something that you know will change the course of your day, and availing yourself of it.

Uplifts can be powerful stuff in the stress relieving department. It can be especially effective to lift your teen out of a particularly bad mood. Two reasons this is important. First, if your teen is in a crummy mood, they will make your life miserable. Just being the supportive, "hey honey, what's wrong" parent usually backfires with a "just leave me alone!" Secondly, it is a good way to teach your teen about managing stress.

So here is how it might work. When you "get" that your teen has had a crappy day, for whatever reason they don't feel like sharing, think about what might be an "uplift" for them and surprise them with it. Maybe it is stepping out to Starbucks at 8:00 PM and bringing them a mochachino latte that you know might put a smile on that face. Or maybe their room is a disaster area, and you surprise them when they get home from an evening practice with a nice cleaned up space. Maybe after a particularly stressful day, you gift them a stay home fake sick day to mellow out and veg. Don't ask what they want, and don't expect anything in return. Those are the rules. The whole point of an uplift, is to give an unexpected "gift" that breaks the negative mood, and then lets them move on.

PS: Do it for yourself too!

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

When A Store Makes a Teen Girl Feel "Small"

Oh how I wish "small" in this case means not large. But small in my title means "less than" and not "small enough." BandyMelville is the name of the hottest new store for teen girls. Their "gimmick" is to offer a "one size fits all" which really mean "one size fits tiny girls." I visited this store over the weekend to see for myself. At 11:00 AM on a Sunday the store was packed with tween-teen age girls. Unless a teen was a 0-1-2 forget buying any jeans, leggings, shorts, or sweats or tiny little crop tops. They did have some cute oversized flannels shirts, and sweaters, so normal sized girls could still find things to shop for.

What is disturbing for me about this store is it's target audience is teenage girls. Girls who are in the throws of puberty, consumed with body image and how they see themselves and how others see them. And here comes a store that exploits this very vulnerable age group. 'I'm so skinny I can wear Brandy Melville jeans."Apparently it is a badge of honor to be able to fit into these tiny togs. And as trends go, this is one that belongs to a very exclusive club. Just what teens need, another way to feel less than and excluded!

These are not unique, one of a kind clothes. These are the same clothes I saw on the rack at Forever 21 across the street. So if this makes you just slightly disgusted, remember parents, your power and your daughter's power is in the wallet. What a great message to send to your teen, "you know honey, I don't want to give my money to a store that excludes girls who are a normal, healthy size. You can use your own money if you want to shop there, but I don't feel comfortable buying clothes at this kind of store, that preys on teen girls to be thin." Maybe you'll even get your daughters on board to spend their money elsewhere in solidarity of the sisterhood!

If your teen does want to shop there, at least give her some strategies so that she doesn't leave the store feeling like a piece of sh**. If she is a size 4 or above tell her not to set herself up for disappointment by trying on jeans that are meant for only very tiny girls. There are other options in the store. Tell her she can by her bottom half stuff elsewhere! Here is a clip of a segment I did this morning about Brandy Melville on Fox news. I was a lively discussion!
http://www.myfoxboston.com/clip/10730280/one-size-fits-39small39-teen-brand-stirs-controversy

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Open The Door And Send Them Out To Play


I know the world can be a scary place. God knows we are bombarded with it these days by Ebola, ISIS, scary stories about teens.  These are crazy making for parents. It makes us want to hold tight to our kids and keep them as safe as we can. Sometimes that holding tight for safety has mixed messages. Often parents say no to giving their teens the independence to safely navigate the world that will soon become their life when they leave home for college. But they give them access to drugs and alcohol in the house and technology that can potentially create addiction, contact with questionable people and way way too much access to cell phones, media and distractions with no supervision. But when their teen asks to take public transportation to go into "the city" parents quake in their shoes and say no.

I am always so shocked when I ask teens to describe their "world" to me. It is a world of being chauffeured by parents to friends houses, activities and parties because many teens now show little interest in getting their license. It is a world of houses and hangouts that never change from week to week. Rarely do I hear teens talk about getting on the "T" to go to "the city." I have talked to a lot of college students who go to schools on suburban campuses who never leave their campus to investigate the wealth of culture and energy that a "city" can provide, even when colleges provide shuttles to the closest public transportation. Somewhere along the way we have scared our teens.

Taking risks, safe ones mean doing something new and challenging. It means figuring out directions, destinations, and making decisions without knowing the outcome. When is the last time your teen came to you for permission to do something like that. When my daughter was a senior in high school her group of friends wanted to go on a vacation after graduation together. My daughter asked if she could go. My answer was if you have the money and the will, go for it. I remember many of the parents wanted and did take over the planning of the trip for these girls, suggesting destinations, getting them the best price, finding the best airline etc. There was even a "parent meeting" to discuss the trip. Always the rebel, I refused to go. What is the point of an adventure, or can you even call it an adventure, if mommy and daddy do all the planning.What lessons are learned?

I remember my own post-high school graduation vacation I took with my 8 best friends. The planning was actually more fun than the week we had in Hyannis. Looking for the cottage, doing comparative pricing, and deciding which cape destination had the potential for the most boys took months of planning. And when we opened the door that June day to our very own cottage rental we felt euphoric. We had planned and talked and argued for months, and now here we were.

Encourage your teen to take safe risks, to venture out of their comfort zone without your help. The confidence and competence they will feel and take away is worth it....for both of you.

Have I mentioned that I would love you to post a review of my book on Amazon?
https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review?ie=UTF8&asin=0814433669&channel=reviews-product&nodeID=&ref_=cm_cr_pr_wr_but_top#

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Hazing Gone Seriously Wrong


This past weekend a story broke about a high school football team in New Jersey where a disturbing hazing incident took place. The alleged hazing involved wrestling a nude 9th grade player, fresh from the showers,  to the floor, while a fellow player digitally penetrated his anus. Sorry if you are reading this with your morning coffee. Disgusting, humiliating. This is not hazing, this is sexual assault.

I know boys will be boys, but really! The school superintendent has suspended the entire team from play and the football season is now over for this team. They are investigating not only this incident but the culture of athletic and activities of the entire system.

I feel bad for everyone. I feel terrible for the victims who were underclassman, who must have been elated to make the varsity team,  and looked forward to playing for their high school team. Now that has all been tainted. I feel bad for the senior boys who were responsible for the hazing. I truly believe that they really didn't didn't think there was anything that wrong with what they were doing. After all, in their minds, they are probably thinking: "it's not like anyone got hurt! Their lives will be forever effected."

Who I feel no sympathy for are the coaches, and the staff  and maybe even the parents whose kids are on the team. Somewhere along the line, these kids are just not getting the message that hazing is serious business. Hazing, in this case, was not only physically damaging, but it sure as hell is psychologically damaging. When someone, especially a teenager, who is literally at the most psychologically vulnerable time of their life is humiliated in front of their peers, it can do real harm. I get that teenagers don't get this and don't understand this. But the adults do need to get it.

If you have a son or daughter who is on a sports team or a cheer leading squad it is your job to talk about this issue with them. You might tell them about this incident, and then say: " I get that upperclassmen/women feel sometimes that it is their right to "induct" new team member into the team through some traditional rights of passage. Unfortunately those "rights of passage" are illegal if they humiliate or put someone's safety at risk.  This is serious stuff, and I know you might be in a situation someday where you will be the subject of or be asked to be the perpetrator of hazing. Lets figure out what you can do, should you ever find yourself in this situation."

Though all schools now have very strict rules and regulations about hazing, I don't think the communicating part to the kids is happening. This is where you come in. Never expect that someone else will take care of it. Take care of it yourself!

Looking for reviews of my book. I would be very very grateful!https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review?ie=UTF8&asin=0814433669&channel=reviews-product&nodeID=&ref_=cm_cr_pr_wr_but_top#

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Walking In Your Teen's Shoes


Do you ever wonder why your teen's eyes roll back in their head every time you offer an opinion or think you have the answers to all of their problems. Most assuredly you are probably right! But unless you figure out a more effective way to deliver your message than " well you know honey, here is what I would do, and then blah blah blah,"you will undoubtedly walk away from these encounters unhappy.

Before you offer up your opinion, your teen has to first feel that you really do understand what they are dealing with. So for example, if your teen comes back from a practice and rants on and on about the coach and how he/she is an asshole, and never gives them any play, and is so mean and they want to quit; You have several ways to respond. You can say" You are not quitting, you are part of the team, and this is the way it is, suck it up!" Or you could say, " you know what honey, that guy really is an asshole, want me to give him/her a call and see if I can get him/her to give you more playtime." Or you could say, " you know honey, I think you should go up to the coach after practice, and let him know that you feel that he is not giving you enough play, and if he/she is having a problem with you, just let you know so you can work on it." All three of these responses indicate that you know better, and that you have the solution to the problem. While any one of these might take care of the problem, the response from your teen will probably be more like, " NO that's stupid, you don't understand, that's ridiculous, see that's why I never tell you anything.!" And so now you are hurt and mad at them because they think you are stupid, so instead of a warm fuzzy moment, you both stomp away completely unsatisfied with each other. 

Here is an alternative that works literally in every situation. It is what I call an " I get it" moment.  Who doesn't want to be understood? We all do. There really is nothing more powerful then when someone "gets you". So in the above situation, rather than offering up an instant solution, you might start with an " I get how this feels really unfair. I get sitting on the bench sucks. What do you think is going on with the coach?"  This approach takes a lot longer, but your teen needs to learn how to process feelings and turn them into action him or herself.  If you give a solution they will tell you that you are stupid, I can almost guarantee it. But if you try to get them to solve the problem, you come out smelling like a rose.

These I get it moments work when your teen breaks curfew or doesn't do their homework, or gets disrespectful towards you, or doesn't take out the garbage, or screams at his/her younger siblings. Literally anywhere anyhow. " I get your brother can be a pain in the ass lets......" rather than "if you hit your brother one more time I'm taking away your phone, your computer..." " I get taking out the garbage is the absolutely last thing you want to be doing, lets figure out...." rather than" I am sick and tired of asking you to take out the garbage, you are lazy and ungrateful." I get you get caught up with your friends and lose track of the time, lets figure out a way...." rather than, you're grounded, I am sick of your excuses. "I get you are pissed off at me, and hate me sometimes, how can we do better?" rather than don't you ever talk to me that way again, I'm taking away your phone!

If you were a teenager which statement would encourage you to talk?

If you have bought my book and like it, I would be so grateful if you wrote a review on Amazon!
https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review?ie=UTF8&asin=0814433669&channel=reviews-product&nodeID=&ref_=cm_cr_pr_wr_but_top

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Tale Of Two Siblings


Those of you who grew up with siblings may have had the experience of being either the "perfect child" or the "black sheep" of your family. In either case you felt the pressure of having to maintain your role in the family. People expected you to behave a certain way, and you probably never failed to disappoint. Either by being provocative or by being just incredibly lovable.

I recently met with parents whose two teenage boys aged 12 and 17 fall into the good boy/bad boy trap. Their 12 year old son is the "perfect" son. Bright and successful in school, a talented athlete, sweet, even tempered, affectionate and a joy to be around. The 17 year old, not so much. He on the other hand, has some learning challenges, and therefore has found school to be a place that made him feel like a loser, and smartly enrolled in a vocational high school when he hit 9th grade, where he feels more successful. But still he is a mediocre student. He has no outside interests or passions and spends all of his non-school time playing video games or on face book. His anger and attitude are impossible to deal with. He isolates himself from the family, and it seems his only contact with them is when he needs or demands rides or money. And to top it off he can very mean and abusive to his younger brother. Dad coaches the younger son's sports team, and both parents spend weekends at his games, leaving the 17 year old feeling a bit out of the loop I am guessing.

Mom and Dad are successful professionals. Both graduated from college, went on to get masters degrees and both have successful careers. Their older son feels like an alien to them. They admitted that when his school difficulties started they thought he was just being lazy, just not putting in the "work" he needed to do for school. In middle school he was finally diagnosed with learning disabilities and was put on a program through the school system for support, but by then, I'm guessing he saw himself as lazy and stupid.

It is hard to be "that kid" in the family that doesn't fit the family script. And the more you don't fit it, the more you become the opposite of it. In this family, being smart, athletic and and having a sunny disposition (sounds like Mary Poppins) is the character description, all others need not apply.  There is no doubt that these are loving parents, but they are stymied as to how to connect with their son. And he makes himself so unlikable to boot, that who wants to spend time with him anyway.

These parents described to me the attempts they make to include him in family outings, but unfortunately those family outings are built around the younger sons sporting events. If you felt like the loser in the family would you want to go and watch your nemesis being the shining "star"? I think not. Dinners out with the family become a fighting match, with the older son antagonizing the younger one at the table or he just becomes such a pain in the a** that the parents just don't do that anymore.

The good news is that this 17 year old has some good attributes. He is not a party guy, doesn't drink, or do drugs. Not an easy feat for a teen these days. He is a steady girlfriend and some good friends, all really good signs. What is missing for him is connection with his mom and dad.

In families like this where there are obvious differences between the kids, it is so important to make each child feel important. With this family, it turns out the dad and the 17 year old share a love for movies, but the dad being so involved with the 12 year old's sporting life doesn't leave him much extra time to engage with his older son. How hard it must be to watch watch his dad go off every weekend with the younger brother. I encouraged the dad to make the time, maybe a Sunday night when together, just the two of them, go off for a night at the movies. Or the mom, when dad and 12 year go off to practice every Friday night, get some take out and a movie and just hang together and enjoy each others company. 

Some kids do not make themselves lovable. They push you away, and tell you to go away. Ignore that!!! It's all a ruse to protect themselves from rejection. Never stop trying, drive them crazy with messages of "I love you". Do not buy them off with money or clothes or phones, or cars or doing their laundry, they love the stuff, but they are not stupid, and know that stuff is the easy stuff, the hard part, is for you the parents to keep at, not allowing their attitude and anger to push you away. It takes time for them to believe that in spite of not being "the perfect" kid they will always be "my kid", and that is enough, thank you very much!
If you've read my book,and feel like writing a review, I would be grateful!
https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review?ie=UTF8&asin=0814433669&channel=reviews-product&nodeID=&ref_=cm_cr_pr_wr_but_top