Watch and then we'll talk:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/26/this-will-change-you-60-seconds_n_4787938.html?&ncid=tweetln
If you want your teen to learn to love reading, than sit down and read your own book
If you want your teen to stop being attached to their phones, stop being attached to yours
If you want your teen to share feelings about their life, start sharing feelings about your life
If you want your teen to feel that helping people and being committed to community service is an important part of life than go do some volunteer work and share your experience
If you want your teen to start talking and stop yelling, than you need to stop yelling and start talking
If you want you teen to be open minded, stop trying to always have the last word, and learn to listen better
If you don't want your teen to drink and drive, then you better not drink and drive, even that one beer when you go out with the family for pizza
You get the idea! And by the way, don't expect to see the fruits of all this modeling until they are done doing the adolescent job of separation. Right now they want to be anything but like you!! But take comfort, Look at who you are today, what you enjoy doing, and what your core values are. I'm guessing they bear a very close resemblance to those people you call your parents. It may take a few years, but you will totally rub off on your kids, at least some of you!
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Too Much Texting
I keep hoping that my college students will think my class is so scintillating that doing the "lap dance", and by lap dance I mean texting and tweeting under their desk on their lap while I am killing myself trying to be the entertaining/educational professor that changes their life, could at least be on hold till after my 65 minute class. But alas, this has not happened, no matter how many times I remind them to put their phones away, not on your lap I cajole, in your backpack, under your desk, out of sight. Two minutes into class, turning back from writing on the board, I catch more than a several students, head down and fiddling with their phone. I GIVE UP!!!! If you don't want me writing about your kids two or three years down the line, you need to start doing something now!!!!!
Your kids will hate you, shout at you, be abusive, tell you that you are the worst parent ever. SO WHAT! Man/woman up!! Just say no! No texting/tweeting/instagraming (TTI) during meal times, no TTI during family occasions where ever and whenever. No TTI in bed, No TTI during home work time or during the 2 hour TTI abstaining time that is your family rule. Arguing, complaining, and being otherwise obnoxious should be met with a OK I guess it's time to switch out the smartphone, and get you an old fashion phone that just does texting and talking. You remember talking, that's what you use your mouth for!
Do I sound frustrated, and irritated. You bet I am. This is a WHOLLY preventative problem. Your teen will not set limits on themselves. Never gonna happen. Their impulsive brain is saying: "more please." They have already been shown the gateway to heaven, and the only way they will be turned away at the gates is if you do it. You don't have to get mad, or yell and scream. You just have to tell them this is the way you roll. You love them, and you see the bigger picture, that you completely understand that they can't see and don't want to see. But that is your job, and if they are pissed off at you, then that is the price you have to pay for being a good parent.
I know you can do it.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Stop, You're Embarrassing me!!!
I remember a conversation I had with a parent who was so annoyed with her 13 year old daughter. This teen was giving her mom strict orders on what to wear when she picked her up from soccer practice; "do not under any circumstances wear your matchy, matchy nylon sweatsuit outfit, and make sure you take a shower before you pick me up, do not come straight from the gym, and oh yeah, don't put on your stupid radio station, and don't ask anyone any questions!" As you can imagine, the mom was not a happy camper. Who exactly was doing who a favor here. Than of course there are the orders a parent receives from their teen about the expected behavior if a bunch kids are coming over on a weekend night" Do not come downstairs, do not ask any question, do no exist!!"
First of all do not do not do not take any of this dither personally. Though it feels very personal, it really is that teenage brain talking with a new understanding that other people are thinking things about them now. Not only are they being judged, but everyone connected to them are part of the judging package including even the beloved family dog. Once their most cherished companion, now, smelly, ugly, annoying, etc.
Relax, this new level of hyper self-consciousness is time limited. As they become more confident and comfortable with their new body and new brain, usually juniorish year in high school, they won't be nearly so judgemental. They'll be other things, but not that. This is not a character flaw of your teen, it is completely normal, just unbearable.
Rather than feel like you are being ordered around, and hence a set-up for a power struggle (read argument) "You don't tell me what to do!!" or you say with conviction "That really hurts my feelings" said with profound sadness. You need to have a different strategy. What you need to let you teens know is that they don't get to "tell" you what to do." You might say: " I get right now my style of dress, personality, the way I cook, they way I speak (fill in the blank) all feel embarrassing to you in front of your friends. And I get that causes you some worry. I will do the best I can not to make you feel worried and embarrassed. Letting me know what those things are is helpful, and I will be open to listening and doing what I can. But I won't respond to being ordered about. Just so you know" When your teens start with the ordering, you can always say: " Is there a question there you would like to ask?' This lets them know, that you might choose to accommodate, but you won't be ordered too.
Understanding and not judging this embarrassing stuff gives you some distance so as not to take this too personally. My mother was a constant embarrassment to me as a teen, I bet yours was too.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
The February Vacation Blues
The return from February vacation is the worst. No fun holidays to look forward to, no three day weekends, just 8 more weeks of straight out school. Mornings are cold, homework is boring, their friends annoy them, you annoy them, life just sucks.
It's no fun for you either. Nothing fun for you to look forward to. My suggestion, find something. Let your teen know that this is a tough time of year, and you "get" that motivation is at kind of a low point. Ask them if there is something they want to plan a month down the line that would give them something to look forward to. And help them plan. And by the way, do the same thing for yourself!
At the least, have reasonable expectations. It will take a week or two to get back in the groove. Understanding will get you way further than yelling!
It's no fun for you either. Nothing fun for you to look forward to. My suggestion, find something. Let your teen know that this is a tough time of year, and you "get" that motivation is at kind of a low point. Ask them if there is something they want to plan a month down the line that would give them something to look forward to. And help them plan. And by the way, do the same thing for yourself!
At the least, have reasonable expectations. It will take a week or two to get back in the groove. Understanding will get you way further than yelling!
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
A Good Read
Rather than writing my own stuff today, I want to to turn you on to this fantastic article that I read in Newsweek. Grab a cup of coffee and settle in for a good read:
http://mag.newsweek.com/2014/01/24/sex-single-tween.html
http://mag.newsweek.com/2014/01/24/sex-single-tween.html
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
My Top Ten Parenting Tips
I decided to do a top ten list of what I think are the most important tips in raising a teen. Here they are in no particular order:
1. Encourage your teen to think for him/herself. Restrain yourself from being the chief problem solver of their life even if they ask you to be that for them. If you want them to make good choices when you are not around, you need to encourage them to try to problem solve when you are around. Practice makes perfect!
2. Try not to ask a zillion questions. You won't get the answers you want anyway, and they stopped listening at hello. Try starting with a discussion about your day, or some neutral subject, and engage them in a conversation before you start the interrogation.
3. Try to refrain from going on the "lecture circuit." I know you have a lot of wisdom and life lessons to impart, but when you see their eyes roll up into their head, you have probably lost the moment. A good speaker always reads their audience. If you are living a life filled with purpose, and model for them what it means to be a good person, then you won't need to tell them what it means to be a good person. They "get it."
4. As uncomfortable as you may be, you gotta talk about sex. Do it with honesty, candor, and understanding, not judgement. Talk about your own struggles, and experiences when you were a teen, especially those moments of which you are the least proud. If they know that you made some stupid decisions in your life when it came to sex, they will feel freer to share their questions and worries. Nobody likes a goody goody!
5. When it comes to alcohol and drugs, make your house safe. The first place kids look for forbidden fruit is in your garden. Again, you need to have honest discussions, sans judgement, understanding that they will be in situations they have never been in before, and will be "tempted by the fruit." Help them to anticipate these situations, and problem solve about ways to stay safe.
6. Do not rule with an iron fist. This may have worked when they were younger and liked rules and regulations. Your teen needs to be a part of the rule making if you don't want them to be a rule breaker. Teens will easily resort to lying when they feel you have left no room for negotiation and conversation. Most kids are actually pretty reasonable, and when given the opportunity to have some control will rise to the occasion, and conversely if they feel too over controlled will try to take it.
8. Absolutely set limits (with their input) with cell phones, computers and video games. Just like you let them eat only a few pieces of Halloween candy a night when they were younger so they wouldn't gorge themselves, you need to see these devices in the same way. No cell phones to bed, a set amount of time for no cell phone or face book during homework time. And include them in looking at their phone bill on a regular basis. Mindfulness not mindlessness.
9. Find multiple moments to express your appreciation, and pride in them. This might be near to impossible sometimes, but there is nothing more important. I'm not talking about good test scores or term grades, but a moment of kindness caught, maybe a nice moment with a younger sibling, or a sweet conversation with a grandparent or maybe after a tough week of school, and sports or play rehearsals, appreciating them for taking on so much. Maybe its just an out of the blue" you're a good kid, and maybe I don't tell you that enough."
10. And finally, please find some fun with your teen. Hang out, watch TV, bring in some pizza or Chinese food, go to the driving range, play a video game, listen to music with them, go get manis and pedis, bake a cake, take the dog for a walk, go shopping, anything that may give you a moment, maybe just a moment, of sweetness with your kid.
1. Encourage your teen to think for him/herself. Restrain yourself from being the chief problem solver of their life even if they ask you to be that for them. If you want them to make good choices when you are not around, you need to encourage them to try to problem solve when you are around. Practice makes perfect!
2. Try not to ask a zillion questions. You won't get the answers you want anyway, and they stopped listening at hello. Try starting with a discussion about your day, or some neutral subject, and engage them in a conversation before you start the interrogation.
3. Try to refrain from going on the "lecture circuit." I know you have a lot of wisdom and life lessons to impart, but when you see their eyes roll up into their head, you have probably lost the moment. A good speaker always reads their audience. If you are living a life filled with purpose, and model for them what it means to be a good person, then you won't need to tell them what it means to be a good person. They "get it."
4. As uncomfortable as you may be, you gotta talk about sex. Do it with honesty, candor, and understanding, not judgement. Talk about your own struggles, and experiences when you were a teen, especially those moments of which you are the least proud. If they know that you made some stupid decisions in your life when it came to sex, they will feel freer to share their questions and worries. Nobody likes a goody goody!
5. When it comes to alcohol and drugs, make your house safe. The first place kids look for forbidden fruit is in your garden. Again, you need to have honest discussions, sans judgement, understanding that they will be in situations they have never been in before, and will be "tempted by the fruit." Help them to anticipate these situations, and problem solve about ways to stay safe.
6. Do not rule with an iron fist. This may have worked when they were younger and liked rules and regulations. Your teen needs to be a part of the rule making if you don't want them to be a rule breaker. Teens will easily resort to lying when they feel you have left no room for negotiation and conversation. Most kids are actually pretty reasonable, and when given the opportunity to have some control will rise to the occasion, and conversely if they feel too over controlled will try to take it.
8. Absolutely set limits (with their input) with cell phones, computers and video games. Just like you let them eat only a few pieces of Halloween candy a night when they were younger so they wouldn't gorge themselves, you need to see these devices in the same way. No cell phones to bed, a set amount of time for no cell phone or face book during homework time. And include them in looking at their phone bill on a regular basis. Mindfulness not mindlessness.
9. Find multiple moments to express your appreciation, and pride in them. This might be near to impossible sometimes, but there is nothing more important. I'm not talking about good test scores or term grades, but a moment of kindness caught, maybe a nice moment with a younger sibling, or a sweet conversation with a grandparent or maybe after a tough week of school, and sports or play rehearsals, appreciating them for taking on so much. Maybe its just an out of the blue" you're a good kid, and maybe I don't tell you that enough."
10. And finally, please find some fun with your teen. Hang out, watch TV, bring in some pizza or Chinese food, go to the driving range, play a video game, listen to music with them, go get manis and pedis, bake a cake, take the dog for a walk, go shopping, anything that may give you a moment, maybe just a moment, of sweetness with your kid.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Teens Do The Darndest Things
Read and we'll discuss:
Middle school student rescued after tongue gets frozen to metal pole
FILE
Scene from the 1983 movie “A Christmas Story” in which one of the characters gets his tongue stuck to a metal pole.
Don’t try this at home or at school, for that matter.
An Easthampton middle schooler, apparently undaunted by minus-10-degree temperatures, licked a frozen metal pole outside school Wednesday morning and had to be rescued after the student’s tongue became stuck, fire officials said.
Firefighters were called at 8 a.m. to the scene outside White Brook Middle School.
The incident was probably “kind of one of those ‘triple-dog-dare you to do it’ kind of things,” said Fire Chief David Mottor, borrowing a phrase from a similar incident depicted in the classic holiday movie “A Christmas Story.”
Warm water was simply poured over the student’s tongue to free it from the pole, Mottor said. The youth’s gender and age were not disclosed.
“When the ambulance crew got there, there was a staff member or two already there,” Mottor said. The student was not injured and was released back to school.
“In the 20 years I’ve been working here, I can only think of one other time this has happened,” Mottor said, chuckling over the phone as he recalled a story involving some teenagers and a chain link fence post.
“It’s not too common — knock on wood,” he said.
So when your teen does something that leaves you saying: "Are you kidding me, what were you thinking?????" Honestly they were not thinking, they were feeling. Keep this nugget of understanding around, it will come in handy. Not that it will change their behavior necessarily, but at least you won't be thinking how did my smart teen become so stupid! It's biology baby!
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