The Art Of Teaching Responsibility

Two lists were generated by my college freshman last week describing things that their parents did well to prepare them for college life, and some ways parents left them unprepared for a life away from parental oversight.

Many students expressed gratitude to their parents for teaching them how to take responsibility for themselves, both financially and  emotionally. These students felt a sense of personal satisfaction that if they wanted something they had to work to get it. Though they knew their parent's support was always available to them, they liked feeling "in control" of their life, and liked that their parents had confidence in their ability to make good decisions whether around academics, curfews, partying, friends, college etc. Conversely. many students felt unprepared for life on their own, and wished their parents had made them get a job when they were in high school,  and had given them more opportunities to be responsible for themselves, while the parental safety net was there. Now on their own, they are overwhelmed with all the daily decisions that they must make on their own. These students are calling or texting their parents multiple times a day just to get advice on some of the mundane tasks of daily living. I am sure that those parents who get these texts are grateful. It's almost like they've never left home. "They love me, they really love me!"

But it won't feel so cute when they are 25 and still calling you to find out how to make a doctor's appointment, take care of a bounced check, expired car registration, or empty bank account.  The time is now! So if you are a problem solver, a person of action who loves to take care of business, beware. Taking care of your teen's business will come back to haunt you in the future. Here is a checklist of ways to encourage independence.

 1. When your teen comes to you for help with a problem, I know you feel flattered, but resist the temptation to solve it for them. Instead ask questions that put them in the drivers seat like: "What do you see as some of the options?" "OK lets look at option 1, pros and cons" Take them through the process of how a decision is made. Remember teens today are impatient, they look for a quick response. But there are some things in life you can't google. It just takes old fashioned time. You solving their problems just feeds their need for instant gratification.

2. If you find yourself becoming your teen's personal ATM, it might mean that your teen has lost awareness for how much and how he/she spends your money. So much of a teens life is magical. Using cell phones, computers, mom and dad's generosity, everything they want is literally in their fingertips. How about saying to your teen; "I am willing to give up to $$$ a month and then it's up to you if you want or need anything over and above." Just because your teen wants to go shopping every weekend that doesn't mean you have to shell out 40 bucks so they have some spending money. They may buy another T-shirt or video game, but because it was just a meaningless buy, no skin off their teeth, it ends up in a pile of other impulsive boredom buys. Do not just mindlessly buy or give your teen money. Make them work for something.  Don't deprive them of that feeling of pride when earned money is what buys them something. Maybe it's a job, maybe it's money for chores, but teaching them that you don't get something for nothing is a valuable lesson.

3. Teens ask you to do many things for them. And because you love them and because many of your teens have busy lives, or because saying no starts an argument, you do it. There are times however that demands cross the line from "Mom/Dad, can you, will you?" to " TAKE ME, BUY ME, FEED ME, CLEAN ME !" Unknowingly parents often feed into the narcissistic impulses that are common for adolescents, and with that comes a sense of entitlement. Make sure that if and when you help your teen out, it does not come after some overt disrespect, or avoidance of requests that you have asked of them. You might say in a calm, non-confrontational voice: "I love doing things for you, but not when you speak to me like you did this morning." Or, I love doing things for you, but I have asked you a million times this week to just bring your laundry to the machine so I can do it, and you haven't. When that is done I will be happy to take you to X's house." It is important for your teen to understand that relationships are reciprocal, cause when they are out in the big bad world, fellow grown-ups will expect that of them.

The Best Job Vs The Good Enough

I understand Jeremy completely! What a tedious process it is to do a first draft, a second draft, all for what, the final draft??? I would normally chalk this up to the impetuous and impulsive teenage brain, but then what would be my excuse. I know my blogs are hardly perfect. There are many times when I go back a few days after I have published a blog and see missed words, words that don't make sense, and sentences that don't make sense. You'd think that I would know better, and honestly I do, it's just that old enemy of mine, rushing through.

It was only this summer while writing my second book for a publisher and editor I respected and truthfully, was a little afraid of, that I wrote and rewrote and rewrote again and again until it was as perfect as I could make. And honestly it worked, my manuscript got through editing and copyediting with very little change. But, man, it took a lot of f**king time and patience I really didn't think I had.

There are those of us who are built for speed. We sometimes race through life with imperfection. Criticizing and judging have little effect on us speed-demons. When I was in high school I had an extremely critical english teacher. Though I liked him personally, I felt like a failure in his class. And I had him for two years!!! Plowing through something without putting all the time in for perfection is a way of avoiding imperfection. Does that make sense??

As an adult I figured it out this summer. Work on small increments, and in small segments of time.  Repeat!! It really did work, and the pride I felt at my accomplishment was enormous.

So if you have a student that is kind of like me. Don't call him lazy. Don't criticize her for not taking the time to do a job well. Understand with him/her that in some way this goes against their nature, and get how hard it can be to acknowledge mistakes and work through them. And maybe suggest that they work a paragraph at a time, or a problem at a time. Take a break and go back and start again. It worked for me!

Get In A Little Hang Time With Your Teen

A middle schooler writes to Ask Amy:" In my family, almost every night my mother and father watch adult oriented TV and movies. I am allowed to come into the room when they are watching, but I would really like to play a board game with them or even watch a family appropriate movie instead. My mother is very busy with her full time teaching job and I feel that barging into the room in the middle of a movie to play a game is rude, but how else could I ensure some family time without disturbing her? Am I being too pushy, and should I leave them to their leisure time because they are busy."

How sweet and sad is that letter! The other day I was getting frozen yogurt (my favorite) and spied a mom sitting with her young teen son having some yogurt after school. The mom was busy texting away on her phone, while her son, hunched over the table, just kind of sat there looking lost. I know we are always talking about how rude our teens are can't be separated from their phones, but how about you? How attached are you to yours?

Believe it or not, many teens do want to spend time with you, they are just embarrassed to ask, lest it sound needy and immature. In a questionnaire I gave to 60 teens ages 14-18, this very issue was oft repeated when asked: I LOVE WHEN MY PARENT (S):

• Ask me to go places with them because I really don't get to do that a lot.
• Spend time just watching TV with me because I never get to spend time with them.
• Ask me to do things with them cause that's the best.
• Can just talk and hang out and have fun with me.

Our lives are all pretty crazy, especially if you are working, taking care of an elderly parent, and have kids. Getting laundry and food shopping done, returning emails, and god forbid take some time for yourself is a full day. But your teens are watching your every move,and if they see that it's alright to multitask then they will do it too. But another takeaway from them, is that you are just too busy for them. Are you constantly checking your phone when your kids are in the car, at a restaurant, before and after dinner, while you are watching one of their sports practices and games. Do you take your work home with you, and your kids get that you are unavailable?  Are you halfway in or all the way?

Be the Best Model You Can Be For Your Teen's Sake

Ok the story below just boils my blood. In short, a coach wanted to take his middle school boys football team to HOOTERS for an end of the season celebration. Hooters!! Middle school boys!!! Are you kidding me????? Some  parents got wind of the plan and put the kibosh on it. The coach, rather than acknowledging that it was a riduclous plan in the first place, and offering a revised plan like maybe the local pizza parlor, refused to stand down and chose….CHOSE to be fired rather than come up with a different plan for the boys. Now that is a wonderful lesson to teach a bunch of young adolescent boys, who were salivating at the thought of being able to moon over sexy young woman hired to encourage boys to do just that!

The important lessons that this coach imparted to these impressionable youth are;
1. Women are there for your oogling pleasure
2. Never back down, even when you have had a lapse of judgement. Opt to lose a job over your "principles."

Teens are impressionable. They are formulating an identity full of moral questions. Sometimes they just absorb your values and beliefs, and sometimes they question them, which is a really good thing. After all, your teens aren't you. Different strokes for different folks. However some moral judgements seem very obvious. If an adult man wants to oogle woman, so be it, but to promote ogling to young boys, not good.

You may have opinions and judgements about things that have come from a lifetime of experience. Your personal experience, not your teen's. Be careful of promoting values and beliefs that for adults might be fine, but for teens, uh uh. How you practice your beliefs and values about drugs, alcohol and sex will be watched very carefully by your teens. Looking in the mirror is hard. Could someone please give this coach a full length one!!

http://www.bostonglobe.com/news/nation/2013/11/06/oregon-school-coach-fired-for-hooters-party-plan/MykRA2DwziRDoZLpBqJzqI/story.html

A Father's Perspective

I read this op-ed last week in the NYTimes. I have nothing to add, Charles Blow says it all!

The Passion of Parenting

By CHARLES M. BLOW

I’ve been a single dad for 13 years. As with most single parents — and indeed with most parents — it hasn’t always been easy.

People sometimes say that parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. But I believe that parenting is sometimes so tough — and exhausting — that you don’t always remember to slow down enough to love it. Sometimes the love is registered in retrospect.

We jockey to give our children the best without giving them so much that they can’t appreciate what they have. We try to encourage them without coddling them. We lavish gifts upon them while simultaneously trying to nurture grit within them.

Parents walk a thin line between oppositional forces, never knowing if we are truly getting it right, judging ourselves and being judged by others.

And we are inundated by studies and books and advice: do this or that if you want your child to succeed and not spend his or her 20s on your sofa.

I try to tune most of it out. When I feel overwhelmed, I call my mother. She always seems to know what to say. I guess that’s why they call it “mother’s wit.”

When my three children were younger, and the strain of taking care of them seemed as though it would overwhelm me, my mother would tell me what an elderly babysitter once told her when she too felt overwhelmed: “Baby, one day they’ll be able to get themselves a cup of water.”

It was a simple way of saying that children grow up and become more self-reliant and eventually they set out on their own to chart their own course. You won’t always have to wait on them hand and foot.

She told me to remember that the more people a child has who truly loves him or her, the happier that child will be. So I work hard to maintain and expand their circles of love.

She taught me that parenting was a lot like giving a hug: It’s all about love and pressure and there is no one way to do it.

She taught me that sometimes you have to make time for yourself so that you will have energy to give to your children. Allow them to have a pizza night every now and then. An occasional treat won’t hurt them, but working yourself to a frazzle will surely hurt you. Rest.

She taught me that you must allow yourself time to find stillness and so you can be moved by it. Sometimes we are so busy that we forget why we’re busy. We have so many things on our list of priorities that we lose sight of what’s really important.

And she taught me that my children are not truly mine. They don’t belong to me; they’ve simply been entrusted to me. They are a gift life gave to me, but one that I must one day give back to life. They must grow up and go away and that is as it should be.

But as the time with my children in my home draws to a close — my oldest is away at college and my twins are 16-year-old high school juniors — I’m beginning to feel the pains in my chest that all parents feel when their children move away.

I thought that this would be a celebratory time, a time when I would relish the idea of getting back to me, of working late without worry and taking last-minute weekend jaunts.

But I don’t. Letting go is hard for me to do. I must let go, but my heart feels hollow. I can’t imagine me without them.

Lately there are times that I find myself just staring at my children, that kind of look that says, “I see you, really see you, and I love you with an all-consuming love, the kind of love that envelops you and sustains me.” It’s the kind of look that invariably draws from my children a “What? What are you looking at?” They speak the words through the slightest smile, a barely registered one, the kind of smile a teenager manages when they know that they are loved, but feel that they are too old for hugs or tears.

Life gave them to me. I’m preparing myself, as best I can, to give them back to life.

•

I invite you to join me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter, or e-mail me at chblow@nytimes.com.

Oy Vey: Text bombing...Who Knew?

In my effort to keep up with the latest social networking sites favored by teens, I came across the article below. I'll keep sharing this information with you so that you can be one step ahead of what your teen may be "playing" with next. So it seems that the next big thing to hit the phone universe is TEXTBOMBING. It appears that there are apps you can download that allow you to send nasty texts over and over again designed to annoy the person you are sending them to. So for example, if you had a beef with me, and you wanted to get back at me, you could sign up with one of these websites, and inundate my phone with text after text after text saying horrible and mean things.

Just imagine sitting at lunch with a friend enjoying a lovely conversation, and the text chime goes off hundreds of times. You can't not check it, because it could be important, but over and over again it is some jerk being nasty. The article below is an important read.

Whenever you find out some new app your kids might be using, start the conversation with a: "Hey, I just heard about this app that can text bomb? Have you heard about it. Do kids you know use this. Keep your voice neutral to get a read on whether your teen seems to know about it. If you get all "lecturey" about it, your teen will shut down any potential conversation and any information gathering your attempting will go down the tube. As this article suggests, this app whould be a no-no on your teen's phone. Happy sleuthing!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/01/text-bombing_n_4170171.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

Why Are Teens So Mean To Their Parents?

There is a really good reason why teens are mean to their parents. Now with this new teenage brain growing by leaps and bounds, they are literally having thoughts they have never had before. Remember back when you were a teenager the moment when you realized " hey, my parents aren't perfect...awesome!!!!"

Teens have this new thinking ability that allows them to analyze and think more deeply about things. This is why teachers in middle school and high school expect their students to go from the concrete: who-what- where kinds of questions and answers, to the whys? They want them to read between the lines. School is not the only place teens are expected to do this kind of thinking. Their social life, their family life, all of it is now seen and understood under a whole new lens. What do you think gossip is?? It's a new way to think and analyze the people in their life. And you dear parents are part of their life. For the first time, they are seeing you without the rose-colored glasses of childhood, where parents are perfect, and their #1's. Now they see cracks in the armor. "Hey my parents don't practice what they preach, they can be hypocrites." Your teen can see right through the "do as I say, not as I do!"

Not only do they see you more realistically, but they absolutely love to tell you all their new perceptions that they are having about you. They are missing the edit button that will come with adulthood. For now though, if they have a thought about you, no matter how mean sounding, they share it. Just like Jeremy's mom, you may feel that no matter what you do or say, according to your teen it's the wrong thing!!!!

Never fear, this is only temporary. Remember it's a new way of thinking about you. It's a novelty, and it feels really powerful for a teen to be able to see their parents in a whole new way. Having a teen in your home is like having a live in therapist. There is no one who will be more honest with you. If you can hold off on getting defensive, and listen to what they have to say, you might learn something new about yourself that is useful.

The trick here is to not feed into your teen's feeling of power. Basically they are being bullies, and the best way to handle a bully is to take away their power of hurt. So the next time you feel that biting criticism from your teen, rather than expressing hurt or anger, go up to them, give them a great big hug and say: "You are so cute when you're being a brat, I love you!!!" That ought to do the trick!