When My Teen Seems Really Depressed

  I have had a number of calls recently from parents worried about their teen, trying to figure out whether their teen is just having growing pains, or is in a real depression. Teens love to dump on their parents, giving them their most angry, their most sad, their most anxious and fearful feelings. This is the good news. Think of it as colic. When the bad stuff gets expelled, then sleep and peace can come...until the next time.

A young comic, Kevin Breel, (see link below) is a young man who has struggled with depression for many years, he is now 20, and no one knew. He describes living a double  life; excellent student, amazing athlete, active in the theater program, had a thousand friends, everyone loved him. And as he describes it, he was a moment away from suicide. His depression was not a result of a bad breakup, or a bad grade, but chemicals in the brain that just couldn't make enough of those feel good chemicals that keep us feeling stable. 

Everyone understands the bad breakup sadness, but depression that is biology based gets short shrift in our culture, but it is the one that has got to be discussed. 

 Teens are feeling their feelings in ways they have never experienced them before. The intensity comes from an adolescent brain that is over activated in the area responsible for emotion, and literally from having some of these feelings for the first time. Without experience and a history that would have given them a game plan to deal with these feelings that are overwhelming, they are vulnerable to feeling like they might never go away. The first break-up, a humiliation on a soccer field, or a stage, the embarrassment of doing something or saying something impulsively stupid in front of your peers, the disappointment that someone you like doesn't like you back, the worry that they are disappointing you in some way, being sexually harassed and feeling powerless to stop it, or any one of a million other things can feel like a catastrophe.

So your kid comes to you in a rage, in a tantrum, sobbing uncontrollably and you feel helpless. But they are coming to you. Like a sponge, you absorb every drop of emotion. You can't sleep, you can't eat, you live with a pit in your stomach that your kid is in pain. But here is the thing, now that they have dumped it all on you and you have so graciously sopped it all up, they are free to go out and enjoy life again. Rinse and repeat!

When is it time to worry? The dumping is a good sign. The emotion is a good sign. They are working it out.  It may be hard on you, but at least they have an outlet. The worry should start, if they are not talking, isolating themselves, and really seem to have lost the up and down nature of teen life. Up and down is good. Staying down is not, or never getting down are both red flags.  If you see your teen spending increasing amounts of time alone, in their room, avoiding family and friends, you might say something like this: " I have noticed recently that you seem more down than usual. You seem to be spending a lot of alone time in your room away from us and your friends. I get life can be complicated and difficult and sometimes overwhelming, and you might like just getting away from it all. I used to do that to sometimes. But I worry that you are not giving yourself a chance to talk about it. If you don't want to talk to us, I understand, maybe it would be helpful to talk to a counselor. I don't want to bug you, but I love you, and want you to work out what seems to be bothering you. I'll check back in with you in a few days, and we can talk about a plan." You will probably get a "leave me alone!" but don't let that deter you. Keep checking in, and letting them know that you are concerned. Eventually, you may just have to make an appointment and make them get in the car.

An conversely, if you have the teen who is almost manic in their ability to manage it all, grades, extra curriculas, friends, etc, make sure you do a check with them as well: " You know honey, you always look like you are so in control of your life, you put a lot of pressure on yourself, I just want to check in to make sure you're OK with it all." Open the door, let them know that that kind of pressure cooker life can mask other feelings, and you just want to let them know you are available and can handle their down moments. 

Seeing your teen be in pain is the worst. Giving them a safe haven to express it is a gift. I would watch this video with your teens, and open the discussion. It doesn't scare you.

http://www.ted.com/talks/kevin_breel_confessions_of_a_depressed_comic

Thank you to the over 500 people who have already watched my new facebook live broadcast from Sunday night. It gives me the motivation to keep those broadcasts coming. Sunday night I talked about Teens and Sexual Harassment. A very important topic for any parent with a teen.https://www.facebook.com/joani.geltman. Please share this broadcast so more parents can get this very important information.

Also I am scheduling speaking engagements for this school year. I would love to come to your community, either through your public or private school, a community group, your company or your church or temple. I travel to almost anywhere. If you're interested contact me at joani@joanigeltman.com and I will send you a a list of the seminars that I offer.

Why Is My Teen So Angry?

Your teen loves you...I promise. Not to excuse their anger and attitude, but there is a biological component to this sometimes overflowing well of anger. First the part of the brain that is in highest activation during adolescence is the Amygdala, the emotional center of the brain. This means that when there is the slightest emotional content in an interaction or an event be it "awesome" or annoying, the teen brain bypasses the more reasonable frontal cortex and heads directly to this emotional volcano. This then colors whatever comes out of their mouths, hello attitude!

Here are some of the many experiences that cause this volcano to erupt, and which then cause collateral damage in their interactions with you. 

Teens get mad because:

• They hate they way they look
• They didn't get enough likes on an instagram post
• They weren't picked for the school play, or sat on the bench for the whole game with no play
• You asked them to wake up, pick up their clothes, clean their room, bring their dishes to the sink, get off their phone, do their homework, or take out the trash
• School is hard for them and makes them feel stupid
• Their best friend ignored them, or said something mean to them
• You said No to something reasonable 
• They are being sexually harassed or continually judged on their body at school or on social networks
• You actually would like to spend some time with them
• They feel pressure to be the "best little boy/girl in the world
• They feel awkward in social situations but have to look like they aren't
• They're exhausted because they stayed up too late because they're afraid to close their eyes and let their feelings wash over them.
• They want a boyfriend or girlfriend and it's just not happening, making them feel that there is something wrong with them
• They want to emotionally separate from you like they're supposed to do, but they are so conflicted about giving up mommy and daddy to Mom and Dad, that they bust away rather than   take their time.
• They want their independence even though their decision-making leaves a lot to be desired right now
• They want their independence and have shown you by doing fine in school, and taking responsibility for making good decisions and don't understand what more you want from them.
• They are scared about their future and take our their fear on you..cause where else can they?
• They are trying to figure out how they are the same as you and how they are different and how to make peace with that.

I could go on forever, but you get the gist. This does not give permission for them to be disrespectful or bullying to you. I just want to give you a framework for where this anger could be coming from. There is definitely a  feeling of loss when your kid becomes a teen. You miss the easiness and the casual affection of the earlier years. But don't fear, it will come back! They are pushing you away to make space for the person they will become. Try not to take their anger personally even though it feels "wicked personal." Respond to disrespect or bullying without getting out of control yourself.  

Try not to get hooked into a back and forth with them. Just leave them be, and when they come asking for a ride, money etc simply say, " I would have cause I love doing things for you, but when you said__________________ or treat me like you did this morning, I choose not to help you out this time. "And truly, leave it at that.

If you're teen was an emotional baby and tough as a toddler, you can be pretty sure that now as a teen you will see the same thing. They are built for hypersensitivity and when the brain is on overload it goes berserk, just like it did during those first few years when their little childhood brains were exploding. Get whatever distance you can, continue to show them love and acceptance. It you've been having a pretty hard time together, a little note on the bed, acknowledging "hey I know we're having a tough time together, but I love you and we'll get through it" can go a long way towards making this time of transition a little bit easier.

Don't forget to tune in Sunday at 8 PM EST for my live Facebook broadcast: Joani's Ten Minute Teen Troubleshooting Parenting Tips. Follow me on Facebook or just look me up, the broadcast is public. This week Teens and sexual harassment: How this election can be used to teach valuable lessons.
Thank you readers for all the sharing and posting. Jus since tuesday hundreds more people are accessing and reading this blog and watching the broadcast!!! Parents are hungry for help, thank you for helping! So keep sharing!!!!

When My Teen Is Left Out

When you're a parent of a teen, one of the hardest and most heartbreaking things is seeing your teen be left out or excluded from events with kids he/she is friends with or thought they were friends with. A parent called me the other day worried about her 13 year old daughter. Like most girls her age she had her posse of four "besties." After school it seems a delegate from this elite group was chosen to deliver the message. No mincing of words here, "we don't like you anymore." There is no more brutal assault. The daughter was bereft, sobbing and humiliated vowing never to return to school. The mom, feeling every bit as much pain as her daughter wanted to do something, to fix it. "Should I call the school, should I call the parents of the other girls, what should I do?" she asks feeling desperate to make it "all better."

There is a simple answer. Nothing. There is honestly nothing a parent can do to make this better. Best friends on Monday, enemies on Tuesday, best friends again by Friday. There is no rhyme or reason for this fickleness. Kids in middle school are especially susceptible to this jockeying for friends. They are in the midst of going to what I call the "buffet of friends." In elementary school, friends are often chosen by default. Perhaps your best friend has kids the same age, and by default your kids become "best friends." Or maybe your neighborhood is full of kids the same age, and since kindergarten they have been hanging at the bus stop together, taking the bus together, and getting off the bus together and by default end up at each others' house after school, so easy. Think of this like taking your kids to a Chinese buffet. When they are young and overwhelmed by the options, you make their plate up with those things they will eat, chicken wings, fried rice and spare ribs. Now as they get older, they go up to the buffet themselves and are astounded and excited about all the choices, and are anxious to give them a try. Choosing friends in middle school and again in 9th and 10th grade is like going to the buffet for the first time. Wow, look at all these options. I think I would like to try this friend, or that friend.

This means that some kids will do the leaving, and some kids will be left behind. Now that these teen brains are working on overtime, they are thinking more deeply about who these people are they call friends. Whereas in elementary school they only need a warm body for "playing", now they look for friends to talk to, and  to share common interests with. They are less interested in what you have to play with and more with what do you have to offer me? Do I like your personality? Are you too quiet, too loud, to bossy too pretty, not pretty enough? etc etc. Are you fun, do we like to do the same things together? Often in middle school and then again in 9th grade, some kids are ready to transition to more teenagery like behaviors, partying, experimentation with the opposite sex, drugs and alcohol, while some kids are happy with less riskyish behavior.

All this is a set up for feelings of betrayal and exclusion. It is painful, and the good news, is they will get over it. As for your role, there is not much more to do than understanding their pain, and providing tons of TLC. If you insinuate yourself into these friend dynamics you will regret it. Perhaps you have never liked the girl who has just defriended your daughter, and you tell her so. Thinking you are making it better, you wax on and on about what a bad friend this girl has been,  and good bye to bad rubbish! The only problem with this is that the next day, when the girls have made up, your daughter now knows you hate this kid, and will never talk to you again about her.

I talked to a mom about this yesterday at one of my "Ask The Expert" parties whose daughter was experiencing all these friend complications. She said that her daughter would come to her crying and in her effort to make her feel better would try to solve the problem for her, by giving her all kinds of strategies. The daughter, not looking for help, just a shoulder to cry on, then gets angry at mom for interfering. Thats' what I am saying. Stay out of it!!!!! Your kids need to learn to figure this all out for themselves. Obviously if it is more of a bullying situation, it may require a different strategy, but if it is old-fashioned cat-fighting, just let it be. Your kids will have a lifetime of friendships for which they are now in training. It's a bit like basic training. In the beginning, you never think you'll get through it, and then you get stronger and smarter, and you get better at figuring it all out. Just be patient, they'll have to sweat a little.

Now having just told you to mind your own business, I do have one caveat. A parent recently told me of this situation. Her daughter went to a friend's house with 7 other girls for a weekend night "girl party." It seems that this girl cherry picked 5 of the girls to sleep over and left the other two out of the sleepover. As you can imagine, those two girls felt like s**t.  It didn't seem like the host's mom had any idea this had happened. If your kid has a group of friends over, there should be a proportion rule. In the example above, the parents should have been aware of the situation from the beginning, knowing who was invited for the sleepover. In a large group of 7, I get that all the girls sleeping over might have been too much, but 5 out of 7 is just too exclusionary. Have a rule in your home about sleepovers that states, either everyone or just 1. It would make sense the host girl wanted someone with her to finish out her fun night with the girls. I think all the girls could have understood the one rule, but they didn't understand the 5 and not you two rule. Your teens might need some of this kind of help. You won't choose the sleepover friend, but you can teach them about inclusion!

Sunday was my 2nd Facebook live broadcast! It was wonderful. Last week over 700 people viewed my ten minute tip on "Tone Of Voice." Below is the link to "Rules VS Strategy. I hope it's helpful. If you think so, I would love it if you would share it on Facebook with "your friends." Follow me on Facebook for easy access to the broadcast. I'm hoping for the old..."if you tell two friends, and they tell two friends, and so on and so on, we can have parents all over the world getting fast easy tips on raising teens. I have lofty goals here...I hope you will help!!
https://www.facebook.com/joani.geltman

Why Is My Teen So Mean To Me?

There is a really good reason why teens are mean to their parents. Now with this new teenage brain growing by leaps and bounds, they are literally having thoughts they have never had before. Remember back when you were a teenager the moment when you realized " hey, my parents aren't perfect...awesome!!!!"

Teens have this new thinking ability that allows them to analyze and think more deeply about things. This is why teachers in middle school and high school expect their students to go from the concrete: who-what- where kinds of questions and answers, to the whys? They want them to read between the lines. School is not the only place teens are expected to do this kind of thinking. Their social life, their family life, all of it is now seen and understood under a whole new lens. What do you think gossip is?? It's a new way to think and analyze the people in their life. And you dear parents are part of their life. For the first time, they are seeing you without the rose-colored glasses of childhood, where parents are perfect, and their #1's. Now they see cracks in the armor. "Hey my parents don't practice what they preach, they can be hypocrites." Your teen can see right through the "do as I say, not as I do!"

Not only do they see you more realistically, but they absolutely love to tell you all their new perceptions that they are having about you. They are missing the edit button that will come with adulthood. For now though, if they have a thought about you, no matter how mean sounding, they share it. Just like Jeremy's mom, you may feel that no matter what you do or say, according to your teen it's the wrong thing!!!!

Never fear, this is only temporary. Remember it's a new way of thinking about you. It's a novelty, and it feels really powerful for a teen to be able to see their parents in a whole new way. Having a teen in your home is like having a live in therapist. There is no one who will be more honest with you. If you can hold off on getting defensive, and listen to what they have to say, you might learn something new about yourself that is useful.

The trick here is to not feed into your teen's feeling of power. Basically they are being bullies, and the best way to handle a bully is to take away their power of hurt. So the next time you feel that biting criticism from your teen, rather than expressing hurt or anger, go up to them, give them a great big hug and say: "You are so cute when you're being a brat, I love you!!!" That ought to do the trick!

Don't forget to tune in on Sunday October 23rd@ 8 PM for Joani's Live on Facebook broadcast. Tell all your friends, far and wide. To tune in just follow me on facebook!!! It's Joani's Ten Minute Teen Troubleshooting Tip!

Grabbing P**sy And Other Things

Thank you presidential election for making sexual assault and harassment become part of our everyday conversation. And I am being honest here. We may not agree with each other on who we want to win the election, but I think that this is a topic that most people can agree on. It is wrong!!!

Finding a way in to talk to your teen about sexual harassment and assault is not always easy, unless your teen has personally been affected by it. Talking theoretically and lecturing kids on the no's of sexual assault and harassment can bring on the glazed eyes. But today I would be hard pressed not to think that even teens must be talking about the "grabbing pussy"tape.

 Social networking has become a hotbed of sexual banter and harassment for teens. Unfortunately many boys think girls like to be addressed and harassed using sexual language, and many girls think that sexual attention is a good kind of attention. Just the other day a parent contacted me about these kinds of things going on at her teen's middle school: "Boys are rating girls on looks and publishing on social media everywhere," Boys verbally poking fun at girls, making fun of their bodies, in person and over social media." These are 6th and 7th graders the mom told me!

What Donald's Trump tape has done has allowed teens to hear out loud just how crass and disrespectful this language is, and how uncomfortable and disrespected the receiver feels.and that in fact it is against the law to grab anyone's anything!  The more women come out of the "harassment closet" and share their stories, the more our young teen women and men get another side of the story. Which could not be more important. Because teens mostly talk to each other using this language in texts and snap chats, or send sexy provocative pictures, they never have the first hand experience of literally hearing what this language sounds like, and how it makes someone who receives it feels. I have heard from many parents whose teens, both girls and boys have been on the receiving end of unwanted sexual banter, but feel ill-equipt to stop it. 

Parents watch the Donald and Billy Bush tape with your teen boys and girls. Read them the stories that Donald's victims have shared about their sexual assault and how it made them feel. Replace their "it's not a big deal" with the real pain and humiliation that these woman have suffered, And give them the language to ward off what has become normative teen-speak! 

Understand with them that attention feels good, and that flirting, and goofing around is great and normal. But when language and actions become sexual, predatory and disrespectful a boundary of respect and safety has been crossed. Help them find the language to change the conversation. 

PS. Thank you to the many hundreds of people who watched my inaugural Facebook live broadcast. Here it is below if you missed it. Follow me on Facebook and tune in next Sunday, Oct 23rd @8 PM for the next one. Feel free to write questions for me to answer next week, you can write below in comment section or send me an email at joani@joanigeltman.com https://www.facebook.com/joani.geltman

College Students Reflect On Their Younger Selves

I would like to thank my college students for allowing me to share these excerpts papers they wrote on "My Teenage Years." I have been assigning this paper for almost 25 years and I am always touched by my students honesty and insight as they reflect on their adolescence now that they have some distance.
So in their words

 I give you their thoughts on:

EMOTION AND FRIENDS:
"During my teenage years I felt emotions worse and more extreme than I ever had in my entire life. Everything hurt worse than it ever did before and everything was dramatic. I had my heat broken so many times I lost track. Often these heart breaks didn't come from boys. The worst heartbreak I ever felt was when my closest friend told me she didn't want to be friends with me any more. Her reasons didn't make sense to me and I felt horrible. We had spent all of high school there for each other with no arguments or problems. She made me hate myself because I felt rejected. I became crazed over it and analyzed every part of our friendship and all my other friendships to see what made me such a horrible person in her eyes. There are many differences between who I am now and who I was when I was thirteen. I no longer care as much how people perceive me or think of me. I no longer feel emotions as strong as I did. I actually look back at some of the things that once made me cry and laugh because they seem so ridiculous now.

I realize that as a teen my friends helped define who I was and who I wanted to be, and so I sometimes wanted to be friends with people that saw the person I wanted to be. She is not the person I am today."

ON FAMILY:
"During Adolesense I thought I was too cool to be seen with my family. My mother would always get mad at me when I would not talk to her while we were in public. For some reason I was embarrassed to be seen with my mom. When I step back and look at the fact that I did that, I have no idea why it was such a big deal. With a completely 180 degree flip, I love to hang out with my mom now, sometimes more than with my friends!"

ON PUBERTY:
"I used to be the bigger kid in my group, but than I realized I wasn't getting any taller. I kept waiting for the growth spurt I heard about from my pediatrician. It never happened. I never had a year where I grew more than two inches. I have been 5 ft 6 in since the seventh grade. Althought I never talked to anyone about my height bothering me, I would come home and mention that my once shorter cousin or friend was now taller than me. My friends teased me bad."

" The one thing I could't accept about myself was having a flat chest. In seventh grade, alot of girls were starting to develop breasts but I was not one of them. At first it was something I was only midly insecure about because other girls were in the same boat. I didn't think I was getting sized up or people examined my body as closely as I did. But when I got my first boyfriend that made me far more doubtful of what was normal for breast size. I was raised with very good morals and didn't want to put my body out for anyone to have. When I didn't do sexual things with him, he cheated on me with my very busty best friend. After a few weeks of people finding out and bashing the couple for doing something incredibley harsh to me, he lied, and said we fooled around, but I was boring since I didn't have big boobs. For the rest of the year, I was mocked by his friends for not being developed.

A BIG TAKEAWAY:

Adolescence is hard. Because teens are naturally so self-involved they can be hurtful and mean. The fragility  and vulnerability of teens, due their changing bodies and changing brains can contribute to emotional highs and extreme emotional lows.

The good news, nothing lasts forever. This is lesson that older teens learn, and a lesson that you should learn as well. What you see now is not what you will see in a few years. This is a moment in time when drama, attitude, and feeling dismissed as parents feels acute and painful. But fear not, with age, and growth, maturity, and a move home after college, these feelings will be a distant memory.

Don't forget that starting on Sunday Oct 16th at 8 pm and every Sunday there after, I will be broadcasting live on Facebook!!!! Please join me, mark it on your calendars, tell your friends far and wide. No need to be friends with me, just put my name into the Facebook search and there I will be live and in person!! Ask me questions, like, share and comment. Can't wait to meet you all!!!
Joani

Doing The College Thing Right!

The leaves are starting to change, the air is turning crisp and fall like, and that means that we are upon the annual ritual of visiting colleges with your high school junior or senior. If you seem way more excited to visit colleges than your junior or senior, I think I can help you understand why.

For parents the anticipation of their child all grown up and ready to go off to college is both exciting and terrifying. Remembering their own college years, they can't wait for their kids to experience all the wonderful things they did, which may even have included finding the love of their life and marrying them. Hello mom and dad! But there is trepidation as well, two years full of what if's? What if my kid doesn't get the grades, and SAT's that will get him/her into the college I want, I mean they want to go to? What if they don't write their essays on time, or worse, they are bad?  What if they don't get their applications in early? What if we don't have enough money to send them to the school of our I mean their dreams?  What if my best friend's kid has better grades and better SAT's and gets their essays and applications in before mine, and they get into the school I want my son/daughter to get in? And what if........ This is the stuff ulcers are made of.

So you become the college Nazi's. You vill get your essays done this weekend, or you won't go out!!!! You vill go with us to visit colleges on the weekends we want you to go! You vill go to SAT tutoring or you are grounded!  And for all this commitment and time and money you give to your teen in support of this college journey, what do you get in return "leave me alone, I'll do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 Here are the questions your teen is asking. What if I don't get in anywhere? What if I disappoint my parents? What if my SAT scores suck, I will be humiliated.  How do they handle their anxiety, they avoid, they procrastinate, they miss dates. Why, because once they put themselves on paper in an essay, in an application, on an SAT score, it is out in the world for people to judge. And when they don't get into the school of your, I mean their choice it will be an affirmation of what they knew all along, I am just not good enough! Your teen does care about this process. Way more than they are showing you. So if you are only paying attention to their outward displays of attitude and avoidance you are missing the boat, and may actually be exacerbating the problem.

Use some " I get It moments" to crack the code. You might have this conversation; " I get this whole college thing is really hard. You have a lot on your plate this year, just keeping up with school stuff, your sport/theater/job, your friends, and now on top of all that, you have to deal with all this college stuff. I was wondering whether you feel like we are putting too much pressure on you, and you're worried you might disappoint us?" ( Now wait for their answer) After you get their take on that, assure them: " We have total confidence in you. There are a lot of things in this process no one can control, like who colleges accept, and that really seems like it is a crap shoot anyway. We just want to make sure that you don't unknowingly shoot yourself in the foot, by not doing the things that you are in control of. How can we help you do those things without making you crazy. We are willing to help you in anyway we can, setting up some date guidelines, reminding you that deadlines are coming up, getting you help with the essay stuff, whatever, but we don't won't to spend the next one or two years arguing with you constantly about this. We want you to take ownership. That will be a sign to us, that you are really wanting to and ready for college. If you choose not to wholly participate in this process, that will be sign to us that you might not want or be ready for the independence of college. What do you think, are you up for this, or are you feeling you might want to take a year off after high school to get yourself ready? Whatever you choose is fine with us, but commit to one or the other."

Just thought I would also throw in a few college visit tips. Remember this is your teen's opportunity to just soak in the atmosphere. This is not the visit where they are worried about what the biology labs look like, or course selection. I know that's what you are interested in, but for these first visits, you really need to zip up, and let it be about them. They are looking at the students and wondering, are there kids here I could imagine being my friends? Does the campus feel like a place I feel comfortable and safe in? Could I sleep in this dorm and imagine myself feeling at home? This is what interests them. So walk along side them, keep a low profile, and if you have questions ask them another time. There will always be the second visit if they like and most importantly, if they get in!!! Many kids avoid the college visits prior to acceptance, because they worry that if they "fall in love" with a school and don't get in, it would feel devastating. So keep that in mind.

On the drive home, try to refrain from sharing your impressions the second you get in the car. Often parents are way more enthusiastic about a school than their teen is, and that shuts them down from talking to you. Give them time to digest. Some teens will start talking right away, others need to process. Remember that visiting colleges makes everything about the college process feel really real and maybe scary, and they might need some time to just sit with it all. So if they immediately put their earbuds in, just let them be. And then, on your way home, stop for a bite to eat, an ice cream, a coffee, and maybe ask a, "so what did you think?" in a calm neutral voice, and see where it goes.

Here is the thing, if your kid wants to go to college, this will work itself out. Maybe it won't be your first choice or their first choice, but if I have learned anything over the last 30 years it is that kids are amazingly adaptable, and where ever they end up becomes the place they want to be, and if it isn't they can always transfer, and you can do this all over again...yay!