Today I did an appearance on Mass Appeal talking about keeping teens safe during home parties.
Enjoy!
http://www.wwlp.com/dpp/mass_appeal/family/keeping-teens-safe?ref=scroller&categoryId=10032&status=true
Friday, October 28, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Did You Know......?
A study published in the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine found that "college students who displayed photos of themselves holding a beer or cocktail or who posted status updates of their drinking habits were four times more likely to be problem drinkers compared with those who didn't have any alcohol references in their Facebook profiles." This might be an interesting way to start a discussion with your teen about drinking behavior. Many teens love to plaster their Facebook pages with their party adventures. As in "man I was so trashed this weekend that I......." You might say to your teen: "In the paper this morning there were results from a study (see above) What do you think about that? When you're on Facebook, are the kids who post the most about partying the kids who drink the most?" The reason this study is important is that it highlights what I know many teens feel, that you can't have any fun unless you are "high" in some fashion. That being "intoxicated" is the actual entertainment of the weekend rather than an accessory. In other words, the acquiring of and then the imbibing of the booze or pot is the actual activity of the night.
A few years back I was on a committee that was focused on dealing with the issue of teen drug and alcohol use. There was a major event coming up in the community that in the past had been a mecca for drunk teens. There had been one too many teens sent in ambulances to emergency rooms for stomach pumping due to excessive drinking and we were trying to come up with some strategies to keep the kids safe during this upcoming annual event. The members of this group were varied, including parents, teachers, therapists, police and the most important experts of all, teens. What the teens told us was alarming and depressing. They said that if the teens felt that there were too many roadblocks in place, so they couldn't come in high (breathalyzers), or couldn't sneak in boos (bags, coats etc not allowed in the dance space) then kids wouldn't come to the event. It wasn't the dancing or dressing up that was a fun, it was the being trashed. This made me sad.
It's not only important to address the safety issues of drugs and alcohol, but also the underlying motivators as well. Getting teens to think why they drink or smoke pot is equally as important as staying safe while they're doing it. Most kids don't think about this at all. They get caught up in the moment of partying, but don't really think about why they like being buzzed. Having a judgement free conversation about this can plant some important seeds of self-reflection. It might go like this: " I get when you are at parties, and out with friends, that kids are usually drinking and smoking pot. Have you ever thought about why it feels so fun to be high, and why teens are so driven to do it? Is it the being out of control that feels fun, or maybe it makes you feel less shy when you hang with the guys/girls? Does it kind of give kids permission to do and be outrageous and then can blame it on being trashed? I wonder if kids are just bored and drinking makes just hanging around less boring? What do you think"
Teens are impulsive and fun-loving. No surprise there. But as they move out into the world, away from your safety net, you want them to be able to set up their own safety net. Helping them to develop a mindfulness about how they live in the world will do that.
A few years back I was on a committee that was focused on dealing with the issue of teen drug and alcohol use. There was a major event coming up in the community that in the past had been a mecca for drunk teens. There had been one too many teens sent in ambulances to emergency rooms for stomach pumping due to excessive drinking and we were trying to come up with some strategies to keep the kids safe during this upcoming annual event. The members of this group were varied, including parents, teachers, therapists, police and the most important experts of all, teens. What the teens told us was alarming and depressing. They said that if the teens felt that there were too many roadblocks in place, so they couldn't come in high (breathalyzers), or couldn't sneak in boos (bags, coats etc not allowed in the dance space) then kids wouldn't come to the event. It wasn't the dancing or dressing up that was a fun, it was the being trashed. This made me sad.
It's not only important to address the safety issues of drugs and alcohol, but also the underlying motivators as well. Getting teens to think why they drink or smoke pot is equally as important as staying safe while they're doing it. Most kids don't think about this at all. They get caught up in the moment of partying, but don't really think about why they like being buzzed. Having a judgement free conversation about this can plant some important seeds of self-reflection. It might go like this: " I get when you are at parties, and out with friends, that kids are usually drinking and smoking pot. Have you ever thought about why it feels so fun to be high, and why teens are so driven to do it? Is it the being out of control that feels fun, or maybe it makes you feel less shy when you hang with the guys/girls? Does it kind of give kids permission to do and be outrageous and then can blame it on being trashed? I wonder if kids are just bored and drinking makes just hanging around less boring? What do you think"
Teens are impulsive and fun-loving. No surprise there. But as they move out into the world, away from your safety net, you want them to be able to set up their own safety net. Helping them to develop a mindfulness about how they live in the world will do that.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
A Scary Story
If any of you have been to one of my seminars you will have heard me get down on my (metaphorical) knees( I would actually go down on them if I didn't have bad knees) begging parents not to buy their kids SMARTPHONES. It fits into the too much too soon category. This should be a rite of passage gift at high school graduation for a job well done. There is absolutely nothing on that phone that a teen needs. They do not NEED to have unlimited access to the Internet 24 hours a day. They do not NEED to download their favorite TV show or movies to watch when they want to avoid homework, chores, cleaning their room, or boredom. They do not NEED to have access to their facebook accounts while they are in school, giving them opportunity to be even more distracted by wondering what next to post on their wall that will provoke and titillate their 1000 friends.
To this last point I want to share a story. Though it makes me terribly unhappy, it seems many high school students sport the latest IPHONE or comparable smartphone. It has become derigueur apparently for the well-connected teen. A high school student was sitting in a class in which the teacher was apparently new and a bit green, and often lost control of her class. Because of this, the inmates were running the prison, if you know what I mean. It was a little like the movie One flew over the Cookoo's nest. I know that feeling having worked in a High School for 14 years. Running many groups with teens I often found myself being that teacher on Ferris Beuller, yelling "class!, class!" to no avail. There is no worse feeling. One of the students in this class, decided to secretly tape using an IPHONE, this teacher's inability to get her students to pay attention. The video was "shared" with other students. From there it appeared on facebook where it became available basically to the entire high school. You can imagine the humiliation this teacher must have felt. Committing to the teaching profession is not an easy decision these days with lowish pay and little job security. Young people who go into teaching do it for the love of the profession and the desire to do good. How upsetting for this teacher to be so betrayed and disrespected by her students.
Having said that, I think I understand the motivation of this student. First of all, availability and temptation. Clearly there had been discussion amongst the students about this teacher. In the old days they would have just talked behind her back, maybe told their parents, and maybe the parents would have voiced their concern with the principal who then might have voiced those concerns to the teacher, and maybe provided the teacher with more supervision, and mentoring. Problem addressed, check! Now that kids have phones in the classroom, that have video cameras on them, it is way more fun to actually have a permanent record of this teachers performance. It becomes more about the video piece than about the teacher. It is fun, it feels powerful, other kids will think its funny and outrageous that this teacher didn't "catch" this student filming her. It is an exaggerated version of the "class clown. Needless to say, if the IPHONE was not in this student's possession this whole incident would never have happened. This is not a story about a bad group of kids, it is a story about teenagers, who in general lack impulse control, get caught up in the possibility of "awesomeness" and who are given too much technology without the training and understanding of the "awesome" responsibility that goes with us. That is on us, the adults.
So when the video got posted on facebook and was seen by the school community, it was brought to the attention of the principal. It turns out that in many states, it is against the law to video or tape someone without their permission. I know you have heard this a zillion times: "this call may be recorded for training purposes." This law is why they let you know that. Because of the facebook posting, the authorities were able to deduce the origin of the video. We're talking police here now. This fun prank has now become a criminal offense!!!! Who knew???? The student who took the video and the student who posted the video were both read their rights and arrested!!! This is serious stuff, that of course the kids are completely unaware of. To them, it was just a fun prank.
Kids do stupid things without thinking. As adults we shouldn't set them up to screw up by giving them things that they are not yet ready to handle, ie technology, empty houses ready for a party, alcohol available at home, no limits around computer and cellphone use, etc etc. We have to get that our teen's decision making capacity is not at its best...yet. It is not about trust, but about temptation.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Stepfamilies, Stepchildren, Step Wisely
I met a woman recently with a big beautiful pregnant belly. We started talking about the birth of her baby, and in the course of conversation she shared that though this was her first baby, she was the stepmother to a 15 year old girl. She described her relationship with this girl as "in the deep freeze". This woman seemed so nice, and sweet and warm, definitely not the "wicked stepmother" type, and yet, there the two of them were, sharing a father and a husband, feeling little connection. I have worked with many families in transition over the years, divorcing, remarrying, blending families, and building new families with new babies. Add Adolescence to this mix, and all hell breaks loose.
Changing families mid-adolescence is not easy. As teens step away from the parental unit to forge their own path, they like to know that though they don't want much to do with their parents, they do like to feel that that is the stable part of their life, as everything around their own life is in constant upheaval. Changing bodies, changing friends, changing passions, interests, and activities, and the looming future always hanging over their heads is quite enough, thank you very much. Please just keep my family the same, they think. But unfortunately, families change too.
If you are more of an every other weekend, one night a week parent, it is easy to lose touch and connection with your teen. You become an extra obligation that takes away time from the most important part of their lives...their friends. Feelings can get hurt, defenses go up, and distance is created. If you have also found a new partner with children, and may perhaps be having children together, the going gets tougher. Perhaps those kids really appreciate you, and the excitement over a new baby becomes intoxicating, a chance to "do-over'. Your teen may feel your excitement for your new life, feeling threatened might start fights and argue about anything as they go into self-protection mode.
Add to the mix that they have to get to know a new person, maybe new "step siblings", maybe share their home, their bedroom, their parents with kids and stepparents not of their choosing. The Brady Bunch it isn't. Your job is to make your teen your priority. Though you might want everyone to be one big happy family, you first have to make your kids feel safe and secure. This can only be done, one on one. There is no shortcut here. I once had a dad call me wondering why his teen daughter was being such a pain. It seemed whenever his daughter came over to stay with his "new family," he wanted the family to all hang together. What she really wanted was her dad all to herself. Just because you may have some new kids in your life, doesn't mean your kids have to buy the farm. So here are some tips I hope will help get you through these sometimes awkward and difficult times.
1. Call or text your kids every single day. Do not ever miss one day. This is the way your teens feel your commitment to them and your presence. Even if its only to say I LOVE YOU. Even if they don't text you or call you back, you are making a very important statement. There is no one more important in my life than you!
2. Use this I Get It moment with great regularity. " I get this whole divorce, remarrying thing is unbelievably hard. Is there anything I could be doing differently to make it easier for you. I really want to know. I know I am probably making mistakes along the way, but I love you, and it matters to me what would make a difficult situation better."
3. Be respectful and understanding about the adjustment your teen may have to make to share a room with a stranger, or be in a strange new house. Invite them to create a space for themselves that feels like home. You do not want them to feel like a visitor in your home.
4. When you do have time with them, give them your undivided attention. Perhaps they might want to have a friend come along if there has been awkwardness between the two of you. It might help break the ice.
5. Never ever ever bad mouth your ex no matter how much you want to. Even if that person is evil incarnate. If your teen bad mouths another parent, do not agree or disagree, just listen. Believe me on this one. No good can ever come of alienating a child from a parent. Your teen will have to make that decision for him or herself as they move into adulthood. Don't do if for them now!
6. Know that as long as you stay consistent with your love and attention, in the end it will all be fine. Getting through the teen years might feel long, but the rest of their life is even longer.
Changing families mid-adolescence is not easy. As teens step away from the parental unit to forge their own path, they like to know that though they don't want much to do with their parents, they do like to feel that that is the stable part of their life, as everything around their own life is in constant upheaval. Changing bodies, changing friends, changing passions, interests, and activities, and the looming future always hanging over their heads is quite enough, thank you very much. Please just keep my family the same, they think. But unfortunately, families change too.
If you are more of an every other weekend, one night a week parent, it is easy to lose touch and connection with your teen. You become an extra obligation that takes away time from the most important part of their lives...their friends. Feelings can get hurt, defenses go up, and distance is created. If you have also found a new partner with children, and may perhaps be having children together, the going gets tougher. Perhaps those kids really appreciate you, and the excitement over a new baby becomes intoxicating, a chance to "do-over'. Your teen may feel your excitement for your new life, feeling threatened might start fights and argue about anything as they go into self-protection mode.
Add to the mix that they have to get to know a new person, maybe new "step siblings", maybe share their home, their bedroom, their parents with kids and stepparents not of their choosing. The Brady Bunch it isn't. Your job is to make your teen your priority. Though you might want everyone to be one big happy family, you first have to make your kids feel safe and secure. This can only be done, one on one. There is no shortcut here. I once had a dad call me wondering why his teen daughter was being such a pain. It seemed whenever his daughter came over to stay with his "new family," he wanted the family to all hang together. What she really wanted was her dad all to herself. Just because you may have some new kids in your life, doesn't mean your kids have to buy the farm. So here are some tips I hope will help get you through these sometimes awkward and difficult times.
1. Call or text your kids every single day. Do not ever miss one day. This is the way your teens feel your commitment to them and your presence. Even if its only to say I LOVE YOU. Even if they don't text you or call you back, you are making a very important statement. There is no one more important in my life than you!
2. Use this I Get It moment with great regularity. " I get this whole divorce, remarrying thing is unbelievably hard. Is there anything I could be doing differently to make it easier for you. I really want to know. I know I am probably making mistakes along the way, but I love you, and it matters to me what would make a difficult situation better."
3. Be respectful and understanding about the adjustment your teen may have to make to share a room with a stranger, or be in a strange new house. Invite them to create a space for themselves that feels like home. You do not want them to feel like a visitor in your home.
4. When you do have time with them, give them your undivided attention. Perhaps they might want to have a friend come along if there has been awkwardness between the two of you. It might help break the ice.
5. Never ever ever bad mouth your ex no matter how much you want to. Even if that person is evil incarnate. If your teen bad mouths another parent, do not agree or disagree, just listen. Believe me on this one. No good can ever come of alienating a child from a parent. Your teen will have to make that decision for him or herself as they move into adulthood. Don't do if for them now!
6. Know that as long as you stay consistent with your love and attention, in the end it will all be fine. Getting through the teen years might feel long, but the rest of their life is even longer.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
If You Have A Daughter.....
If you have a daughter, there is a show I want you to watch on Oprah's channel OWN. It is premiering on October 20th at 9 PM but I am sure it will repeat. I think this is a must watch for our young women. It is a Sundance, award winning documentary called Miss-representation. It is about the sexualizing of woman in our society, and how it affects our girls. If you have been looking for a opening to talk with your daughters about how boys see girls and men see women here is your chance. There are many teens that are interviewed, who share quite honestly the pressure they feel to act and look sexy. I am sure there will be many segues to talk about sexting, putting out sexy photos on facebook and on other social networking sites, and how it feels to be a girl in today's world. These kinds of shows don't come around often, so take advantage of this opportunity.
For some of you just convincing your daughter to sit and watch with you might be a challenge. Bribe them, pay them, do what you have to do to entice them to watch this show with you. " You might say: " I heard about this documentary on tonight that is about teen girls and expectations about sex, and their bodies, and how boys see them. I think it is a really important show and I would love to watch it with you. I think I don't get sometimes, how hard it can be to be a girl in today's world, with all the pressures that are out there for you. I know it will help me, and I think you might like it too." Be prepared for resistance, and have a game plan to deal with that. Do not go negative. If she doesn't want to watch it, fine, just put it on yourself and watch. At the least you will find out some things that will help you.
As you watch with your daughter, try to refrain from asking questions. Share your thoughts, and either they will share too, or they won't. Don't go into lecture mode, whatever you do. Better to say nothing than something preachy. Most importantly it will give them a framework for understanding what the culture seems to set women up for these days. Here is the website with a preview trailer. This might help set the stage. Girl Power!!!!
http://missrepresentation.org/
For some of you just convincing your daughter to sit and watch with you might be a challenge. Bribe them, pay them, do what you have to do to entice them to watch this show with you. " You might say: " I heard about this documentary on tonight that is about teen girls and expectations about sex, and their bodies, and how boys see them. I think it is a really important show and I would love to watch it with you. I think I don't get sometimes, how hard it can be to be a girl in today's world, with all the pressures that are out there for you. I know it will help me, and I think you might like it too." Be prepared for resistance, and have a game plan to deal with that. Do not go negative. If she doesn't want to watch it, fine, just put it on yourself and watch. At the least you will find out some things that will help you.
As you watch with your daughter, try to refrain from asking questions. Share your thoughts, and either they will share too, or they won't. Don't go into lecture mode, whatever you do. Better to say nothing than something preachy. Most importantly it will give them a framework for understanding what the culture seems to set women up for these days. Here is the website with a preview trailer. This might help set the stage. Girl Power!!!!
http://missrepresentation.org/
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I Just DON"T Get It
When your kids were young, they wanted to be just like you. They followed you around the house mirroring your activities, adopting your mannerisms, maybe you even had your "twin outfits." The boys had matching sweatshirts and caps, and the girls matching T's and sparkly shoes. You would make suggestions of how to do things, and activities you thought they might try, and these 8 and 9 year olds would jump at the chance to please you. No coincidence that they might also be activities that you enjoy, as you imagine ten years hence playing doubles together on the tennis courts, or skiing down the black diamond trail together, or getting season tickets to the ballet or spending crisp fall afternoons eating chicken wings in front of the tube as you catch your favorite football game.
It all seems so idyllic back them. The future of this relationship between parent and child. And then BANG, they have to get all teenagery on you. Rather than wanting to be just like you, like they used to, now they want to be anything but you. I have met with a number of parents recently who just DON'T get who their teen is these days. One parent I met with described his teen years as studious, and hard-working. He wasn't that social, didn't party much, and now has a daughter who is social, not so much into her school work, as she is into facebook. He just doesn't get her, and feels constantly disappointed by her. Another parent I met, who has many interests and passions just doesn't "get" that her teen seems not to be interested in anything but her friends. Her grades are good, but from the mom's point of view her daughter's life seems empty and shallow. Another parent who is the coach of his son's soccer team, laments his son wanting to quit the team. The kid has lost interest in the game, embarrasses him during practice and matches by putting little effort into his play.
What does it all mean? Why are they so different now? Why does life have to change? Because first of all, they aren't you! As young children, kids are developmentally driven to please. Their parents are their #1's and school-aged children's primary goal is to love and be loved by their parents. We actually call this the "good girl/ good boy phase. If playing soccer or the violin seems to make you happy, then soccer and violin it is..... until it isn't. It may be that your kid has real talent in an area, and you see a future down the line, college scholarships, concerts and competitions, trophy's and newspaper articles. And just when its all looking so promising, BOOM, your teen wants to quit! And by golly by god no one in this family is a quitter. Well maybe, your teen really doesn't like playing the violin or playing soccer, and now that their teen brain allows them a different perspective they express their distaste.
I once worked with a 16 year teen who had been swimming competitively since she was 7. She was really good, winning many meets for her team. The coach was ecstatic, her parents euphoric. Here is how she saw it. Early early morning practices, after school practices, weekend meets, she was sick of the whole business and after 9 years was ready to pack it in. The coach was furious, her parents were beyond disappointed, this was the team's star swimmer. How could she bail now? It seems it was never really her dream. She was a pleaser, and swimming seemed to make all the important people in her life happy, so she swam her little heart out. But the sad truth of it was she actually didn't like swimming all that much, and now as a teen, and thinking with this new brain of hers, she was sorting that all out for herself and speaking up. It wasn't pretty. It actually was a courageous decision she made, but unfortunately the adults in her life didn't see it that way. She was a disappointment to them, and made that quite clear to her. A divide as wide as the Grand Canyon occured between this teen and her parents. No happy ending here.
Here is a story with a happy ending. Two wonderful, supportive, loving parents came to see me because they were worried that their relationship with their 15 year old son was deteriorating. They were serious, academic types, and always had been. School was always their priority during their teen years. As teenagers, they each had a few close friends, and a quiet social life. They had two children. Their older daughter was just like them. She was a studious, quiet girl in her teen years. Studying hard, and stayed in most weekend nights with a friend or two watching movies. Aah, life was good for these parents and their daughter. Their son on the other hand was gregarious, and outgoing, had a ton of friends, was on the football team of all things, and couldn't have been more different from his parents. These parents were desperate to find connection with their son. One night I got a phone call from the dad asking for my opinion. It seems his son had come to him asking for a BB gun. "Oh yeah, right, I don't think so," said the dad. The dad asked if he done the right thing. I actually saw an opportunity here for connection. BB guns couldn't have been further outside this dad's comfort zone or interest area. But I encouraged him to go online and find out the laws about how old you had to be to purchase a gun. Dad did the research, and found out that you had to be 18. His son wouldn't have been able to buy it anyway. I told the dad to say to the son: "I get that BB guns are fun, but the law says you are too young to buy one. How about if I buy one and the deal is we have to do BB gunning together. The son, only hearing a BB gun was in the mail, agreed. And so began a partnership. The boy and his dad set up a garage shooting gallery, and went out to the woods for target practice. Other boys often joined them, and it became an amazing chance for them to connect. Some weeks later the dad called me to report this event. It had been 10 PM one night, the dad just going off to bed, and his son came and asked if he wanted to play a game of chess. The dad was stunned. This was an activity they had shared when his son was younger, but not for years, as chess became "uncool" and his "dad's thing". Though the dad was ready for bed, he instinctively knew his son was reaching out and he took his hand.
I love this story. I think this teen "got" that his dad was willing to join his world, even if it wasn't comfortable. He felt respected and accepted. And in turn, wanted to give back to his dad with a game of chess. I don't think this kid thought all this consciously, but I am a therapist and it is my job to interpret, and so I will. This teen felt a connection to his dad that felt familiar, and probably hadn't felt for a while. In a moment of whatever, asked his dad to play chess. Thanks Freud!
Accept and embrace your teen's differences. They can be just as rewarding and fun as your sameness!
It all seems so idyllic back them. The future of this relationship between parent and child. And then BANG, they have to get all teenagery on you. Rather than wanting to be just like you, like they used to, now they want to be anything but you. I have met with a number of parents recently who just DON'T get who their teen is these days. One parent I met with described his teen years as studious, and hard-working. He wasn't that social, didn't party much, and now has a daughter who is social, not so much into her school work, as she is into facebook. He just doesn't get her, and feels constantly disappointed by her. Another parent I met, who has many interests and passions just doesn't "get" that her teen seems not to be interested in anything but her friends. Her grades are good, but from the mom's point of view her daughter's life seems empty and shallow. Another parent who is the coach of his son's soccer team, laments his son wanting to quit the team. The kid has lost interest in the game, embarrasses him during practice and matches by putting little effort into his play.
What does it all mean? Why are they so different now? Why does life have to change? Because first of all, they aren't you! As young children, kids are developmentally driven to please. Their parents are their #1's and school-aged children's primary goal is to love and be loved by their parents. We actually call this the "good girl/ good boy phase. If playing soccer or the violin seems to make you happy, then soccer and violin it is..... until it isn't. It may be that your kid has real talent in an area, and you see a future down the line, college scholarships, concerts and competitions, trophy's and newspaper articles. And just when its all looking so promising, BOOM, your teen wants to quit! And by golly by god no one in this family is a quitter. Well maybe, your teen really doesn't like playing the violin or playing soccer, and now that their teen brain allows them a different perspective they express their distaste.
I once worked with a 16 year teen who had been swimming competitively since she was 7. She was really good, winning many meets for her team. The coach was ecstatic, her parents euphoric. Here is how she saw it. Early early morning practices, after school practices, weekend meets, she was sick of the whole business and after 9 years was ready to pack it in. The coach was furious, her parents were beyond disappointed, this was the team's star swimmer. How could she bail now? It seems it was never really her dream. She was a pleaser, and swimming seemed to make all the important people in her life happy, so she swam her little heart out. But the sad truth of it was she actually didn't like swimming all that much, and now as a teen, and thinking with this new brain of hers, she was sorting that all out for herself and speaking up. It wasn't pretty. It actually was a courageous decision she made, but unfortunately the adults in her life didn't see it that way. She was a disappointment to them, and made that quite clear to her. A divide as wide as the Grand Canyon occured between this teen and her parents. No happy ending here.
Here is a story with a happy ending. Two wonderful, supportive, loving parents came to see me because they were worried that their relationship with their 15 year old son was deteriorating. They were serious, academic types, and always had been. School was always their priority during their teen years. As teenagers, they each had a few close friends, and a quiet social life. They had two children. Their older daughter was just like them. She was a studious, quiet girl in her teen years. Studying hard, and stayed in most weekend nights with a friend or two watching movies. Aah, life was good for these parents and their daughter. Their son on the other hand was gregarious, and outgoing, had a ton of friends, was on the football team of all things, and couldn't have been more different from his parents. These parents were desperate to find connection with their son. One night I got a phone call from the dad asking for my opinion. It seems his son had come to him asking for a BB gun. "Oh yeah, right, I don't think so," said the dad. The dad asked if he done the right thing. I actually saw an opportunity here for connection. BB guns couldn't have been further outside this dad's comfort zone or interest area. But I encouraged him to go online and find out the laws about how old you had to be to purchase a gun. Dad did the research, and found out that you had to be 18. His son wouldn't have been able to buy it anyway. I told the dad to say to the son: "I get that BB guns are fun, but the law says you are too young to buy one. How about if I buy one and the deal is we have to do BB gunning together. The son, only hearing a BB gun was in the mail, agreed. And so began a partnership. The boy and his dad set up a garage shooting gallery, and went out to the woods for target practice. Other boys often joined them, and it became an amazing chance for them to connect. Some weeks later the dad called me to report this event. It had been 10 PM one night, the dad just going off to bed, and his son came and asked if he wanted to play a game of chess. The dad was stunned. This was an activity they had shared when his son was younger, but not for years, as chess became "uncool" and his "dad's thing". Though the dad was ready for bed, he instinctively knew his son was reaching out and he took his hand.
I love this story. I think this teen "got" that his dad was willing to join his world, even if it wasn't comfortable. He felt respected and accepted. And in turn, wanted to give back to his dad with a game of chess. I don't think this kid thought all this consciously, but I am a therapist and it is my job to interpret, and so I will. This teen felt a connection to his dad that felt familiar, and probably hadn't felt for a while. In a moment of whatever, asked his dad to play chess. Thanks Freud!
Accept and embrace your teen's differences. They can be just as rewarding and fun as your sameness!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Everybody Else Has One!!!
At an event I spoke at last night for a small group of moms with 5th -7th graders, per usual, I asked how many of their kids were the proud owners of smartphones. If you have been reading my blog regularly you know by now that giving kids smartphones makes me crazy. Anyway, 3/4 of the hands shot up. As usual I gave my old fuddy duddy rant about why I think smartphones are hazardous to a teen's health. This rant can be found in any number of my previous blogs, so I won't bore you with it here. But the deed was already done, so I decided to focus more on the process by which these phones ended up in their teens hands. The common thread whenever and wherever I ask this question is: "All their friends have one and we didn't want them to feel left out."
OK being left out is not having a phone at all. I understand the relentless pressure teens can exert when they want something really really badly. They know just what buttons to push. They know just how to make you feel guilty that somehow you are not as good a parent as their friends parents, if you don't allow them to do X or buy them X. So in your effort to make your teen happy, and therefore make your life easier you cave. The message sent to your teen here is if you want something really badly, be persistent, make them feel guilty, never let up, and eventually you will succeed
Developmentally teens are driven to conformity. They want what everyone else has. They want to look like everyone else, they want to listen to the same music, have the same clothes, eat the same food, drink the same water, have the same backpack, play the same video games, watch the same TV shows all in the name of fitting in. Conformity plays a huge part in giving teens a sense of sameness and peace as they struggle with the difficult task of developing an identity. They are being bombarded with changes in their brains and in their bodies, and the sameness takes away some of the angst. So, if it isn't unsafe or disrespectful, I am all for the cloning of teens. It is a temporary state, and as they move into the later teen years, they start to nail down their own particular brand of who they are, and the whole conformity thing falls by the wayside.
Your role in all this is to judge what is unsafe or disrespectful. There may be many things that your teen wants to do, watch trashy TV or buy brand names of items that are ridiculously overpriced, that go against your values but are not unsafe or disrespectful. You just don't like it, and therefore don't want your teen to have it or do it. In these cases I recommend saying: "I get how important it feels to you to have UGG boots like your friends. They seem like a lot of money to me, but I get how important they are to you, so here is the $60 I would have spent on boots for you, and you are welcome to use your birthday money or your savings to add to it and get the boots." In this scenario, you take care of yourself, and give you teen the choice to get what he/she wants without you having to totally give your support and go against your own values. Here is the thing, there will be things your teens wants, or events they want to go to that are unsafe. Here you will need to draw the line, even if there are other parents who aren't. This is hard, this makes you unpopular, this creates havoc. I get that completely. Whether it is a smartphone that gives your teen unlimited access to more distraction than their little brain can handle, or a concert that takes them too far from home on a school night, or not allowing them to go to a house that you feel is unsupervised and therefore unsafe, these are the unpopular decisions parents must make. When you make those kinds of decisions judiciously, your teen understands that you are concerned with the big picture and of their safety.
The Rolling Stones had it right in their song "You can't always get what you want." That goes for your teens and for you. You won't always be the most popular parents. You won't always be the "mean parents" either. But you do have to be the smart parents. Trust your gut. If you are saying yes to something even though your gut is saying no. Stop and figure out why. Of course we want to make out kids happy, and often we give in on things cause we love to see the smile and appreciation on our teens faces no matter how fleeting it might be. And many times we can "give in" and feel OK about it. Just make sure that whenever you feel that gut pulling you in another direction, ask yourself, is this safe?
.
OK being left out is not having a phone at all. I understand the relentless pressure teens can exert when they want something really really badly. They know just what buttons to push. They know just how to make you feel guilty that somehow you are not as good a parent as their friends parents, if you don't allow them to do X or buy them X. So in your effort to make your teen happy, and therefore make your life easier you cave. The message sent to your teen here is if you want something really badly, be persistent, make them feel guilty, never let up, and eventually you will succeed
Developmentally teens are driven to conformity. They want what everyone else has. They want to look like everyone else, they want to listen to the same music, have the same clothes, eat the same food, drink the same water, have the same backpack, play the same video games, watch the same TV shows all in the name of fitting in. Conformity plays a huge part in giving teens a sense of sameness and peace as they struggle with the difficult task of developing an identity. They are being bombarded with changes in their brains and in their bodies, and the sameness takes away some of the angst. So, if it isn't unsafe or disrespectful, I am all for the cloning of teens. It is a temporary state, and as they move into the later teen years, they start to nail down their own particular brand of who they are, and the whole conformity thing falls by the wayside.
Your role in all this is to judge what is unsafe or disrespectful. There may be many things that your teen wants to do, watch trashy TV or buy brand names of items that are ridiculously overpriced, that go against your values but are not unsafe or disrespectful. You just don't like it, and therefore don't want your teen to have it or do it. In these cases I recommend saying: "I get how important it feels to you to have UGG boots like your friends. They seem like a lot of money to me, but I get how important they are to you, so here is the $60 I would have spent on boots for you, and you are welcome to use your birthday money or your savings to add to it and get the boots." In this scenario, you take care of yourself, and give you teen the choice to get what he/she wants without you having to totally give your support and go against your own values. Here is the thing, there will be things your teens wants, or events they want to go to that are unsafe. Here you will need to draw the line, even if there are other parents who aren't. This is hard, this makes you unpopular, this creates havoc. I get that completely. Whether it is a smartphone that gives your teen unlimited access to more distraction than their little brain can handle, or a concert that takes them too far from home on a school night, or not allowing them to go to a house that you feel is unsupervised and therefore unsafe, these are the unpopular decisions parents must make. When you make those kinds of decisions judiciously, your teen understands that you are concerned with the big picture and of their safety.
The Rolling Stones had it right in their song "You can't always get what you want." That goes for your teens and for you. You won't always be the most popular parents. You won't always be the "mean parents" either. But you do have to be the smart parents. Trust your gut. If you are saying yes to something even though your gut is saying no. Stop and figure out why. Of course we want to make out kids happy, and often we give in on things cause we love to see the smile and appreciation on our teens faces no matter how fleeting it might be. And many times we can "give in" and feel OK about it. Just make sure that whenever you feel that gut pulling you in another direction, ask yourself, is this safe?
.
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