Trust Is A Tricky Thing

After my seminar last night a parent came up to ask me a question about her 15 year old daughter. She asked: "What do you do when your kid betrays your trust? Can and how do you rebuild it?" Such a great question, and one that is complicated to answer. Trust is a tricky issue with teens. The adult perspective is that someone earns your trust by basically showing through their behavior that they understand and respect your expectations, and that after a period of time you can successfully predict that they can perform the behavior that meets your expectations. I have no idea if that really makes any sense. But I just reread it and I'm going with it!! Because adults have more life experience, and more ability to think things through, it is realistic to expect that when an adult ( a friend, a spouse or family member) betrays your trust it is with full understanding of what they are doing. That a cognitive choice has been made, I know I am not supposed to be doing this, and I am doing it anyway.

Teens do not come to the table with life experience, and an ability to think things through. So when the term "trust" gets thrown around with your teen, it might set everyone up for failure. I think that the issue between teens and their parents is not so much about trust, but about temptation. Teens do not live in a thinking brain. Which is to say, yes they can think, but they don't often think things through. They live in a feeling brain. It is their spontaneity and impulsivity that drives their behavior. The "awesomeness" of it all. So in the moment when an "awesomeness" comes around, it is in direct conflict with a behavior that if acted on would be a betrayal of your trust. So for example, if your teen promises you that they won't go to a party where there are no parents present, and then you find out that they lied and indeed went to that party with no parents present, you would define that as a betrayal of trust. Which indeed could be defined that way. But here is another way of looking at the incident. She and her friends drive up to the party. Your teen asks her friend, "do you think their parents are home?" "What are you kidding, NO" Now your teen has a dilemma. She knows on the one hand she is not supposed to go into this house with no parents, yet she watches as carfuls of kids walk into said home, carefree and seemingly feeling completely conflict free about their decision. She knows on the one hand she is not supposed to (trust issue) but wants to so bad cause everyone is, she'll look like a loser if she says no, the cute boy she has a crush on and her friends tell her has a crush on her is inside, she feels like she looks really cute (has on a good outfit), oh what's a girl to do....she goes in!!  I would see this as a temptation issue. Imagine how hard it is to walk away from all that "goodness".

So here is your "I get it" moment with trust. Using the above example, rather than going to the "you have betrayed my trust, you lied, you're grounded, place. Instead you might say something like this. "I found out that the parents were not home, and I thought we had an understanding that you are not to go into a house with no parents. On the other hand, I get how hard it must be when you are actually in the car, in front of the house and desperate to go it. I know you want to do the right thing, but when you see your friends all going in I get how hard it would be just to walk away. We need to figure out a plan so that when you are in this situation again, you might be able to do something different rather than lie. Maybe you call, and let me know the parents aren't home. Maybe I will say, that you go in and say hi, stay a few minutes and then I will pick you up around the corner. This way you get to save face, stay safe, see your cute boy, and then feign illness or an early morning family gathering, and slip out the door."

The issue here is to recognize the power of the moment, and how unrealistic it is for you to expect that when your teen is full of impulse and excitement that they will be able to do the right thing. If they feel they can call you with this dilemma and "trust" that you won't yell at them, but instead help them with it, then hopefully you can bypass the lying and the sneakiness.   Encourage honesty by offering help.

Goodbye Auntie Bea

Yesterday my beloved 88 year old Auntie Bea died. I have been taking care of her over the last year, and I will miss her dearly. Everyone should have an Auntie Bea. Never married and without children of her own, her 6 nieces and nephews and her 4 great nieces and nephews were the light of her life. The joy she took from hearing about all of our accomplishments, the understanding she gave when hearing about our low points, and the many many stories that she told that were the gateway to our family's history are all permanently living in all of us.

My Auntie Bea was the fun aunt. The person you looked forward to just "beaing" with from childhood to adulthood. Whether trips to the movies, or bowling, being taken out to lunch or dinner, or just talking and schmoozing you had her undivided attention. She lived with and took care of her own parents until they both died, and was loving and devoted to her three "big" sisters. Though the baby of  her family, she was the person everyone turned to for help and support. And she always always gave it, no matter what, without complaint or looking for anything in return. One of the truly selfless people I know.

Though not a parent herself, she instinctively knew what kids needed, and as we grew through the lifespan to adulthood, continued to give everyone of us unconditional love and support. Never judgement or even advice, just a loving presence, that was her "present" to all of us.

As parents often we forget the gift of just "beaing" with our kids, thinking that we can't miss a moment to instruct, teach, and prepare our kids for the future. Sometimes it's those non-moments of playing, joking, eating, and hanging that end up being the most instructive and long lasting, just like with   my Auntie Bea.

The rewards Of Ownership

Several days ago the NYtimes published an op-ed: Let Kids Rule The School, about a group of teens in a school in Western Mass who were given the task of creating a school within a school. They designed curriculum, the structure of the school day, and methods of evaluation. The teens involved were students who were on the verge of dropping out as well as honor students. To say that they rose to the occasion would be an understatement. Not only was I blown away by their creativity, but also more importantly by their understanding of the learning process. Instinctively they knew that the curriculum needed not only be meaningful and interesting, but also that the process of learning, how they were to learn the material was of equal importance. Total engagement and immersion into each subject allowed them to fully integrate and find meaning in what they were learning. There was no just reading a chapter in a textbook and regurgitating back the information in a quiz. What impressed me most was the issue here of ownership. When students set their own goals, developed the method of how to reach them, and then demonstrated their mastery in a way that felt meaningful, learning became not just a means to an end like being graded, but instead, wow, this stuff is interesting and meaningful in my life.  Here is the link:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/15/opinion/15engel.html

This whole issue of ownership not only works in school, but easily translates to the family. Just telling your kids what to do works great when they are young, but as teens they are born to argue. They love to tell you something is stupid, your rules, school, cleaning their room, etc. As adolescents they are driven to make sense of their own life. This is why these students were so successful in their school. Ok, so school is stupid, go ahead and make it better. And guess what they did! You might try this with your teen, rather than just making the rules, and watching helplessly by as they flaunt them, manipulate their way out of them or avoid them, engage them in the process of making them. Unless your teens feel an ownership and stake in their lives, they will naturally try to take it from you anyway.

This taking ownership does in no way mean abdication. These students weren't given the choice to go to school or not, just how to do it. You aren't giving your kids a choice about doing their homework or not, or staying out all night without a curfew, or "you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, but instead: You will need to be home sometime, what do you think about what time?, or You need to get your homework done, how best do you think you can do it? or we are a family here and all have to pitch in, how do you think you can be helpful? You are giving your teens the opportunity to set goals, develop a plan to execute, and a method of evaluation just like these students did in their "school". Give your teens the opportunity to rise the occasion!

Too much love can be a bad thing!

On my flight back from the west coast yesterday, I sat with a lovely couple, who thankfully kept me occupied with conversation for several hours, distracting me from my fear of flying. In the course of the conversation we covered all the usual stuff, who we were visiting, where we were from, and what we did for a living. On hearing I was a parenting expert, and with an encouraging nod from me, we settled into a coaching session about their 27 year old son. These clearly loving and lovely parents were distraught about the failings of this young man. It seems this guy was the golden child growing up, talented athlete, popular and adored by both adults and peers, and good student. Off he went to college, where I am guessing his golden boy status fell on deaf ears in a large university setting. No longer the big fish in a small pond, no "adoring fans" just fellow students, he entered the real world. I 'm guessing he started with smoking pot, and most recently was found to have an addiction to Oxycontin in addition to his abuse of pot. He has managed to hold a job, but his drug habit has put him into thousands of dollars of debt, totaled two cars and crashed a third, and is now financially dependent on his parents to continually bail him out. He is allowed to live rent free in their downstairs apartment of the 2-family house they own. His parents pay his phone bill, car insurance bill, buy his groceries, do his laundry, and rescue him from most of the trouble he finds himself in. Peter Pan couldn't have said it better: "I won't grow up."

There is no question that these parents are loving, attentive and supportive and have always been engaged and involved in their children's lives. But this is a case of too much involvement, and too much engagement, and a study in when too much is too much. It is a cautionary tale for all parents. This dad is the "fixer". He loves feeling needed, and jumps at the chance to problem solve for his kids. He is the car buyer, the job finder, and the bill payer.  The mom is the "nurturer."Nothing makes this mom happier than doing for her kids, whether it's their cooking, or cleaning, or their laundry. I have painted a beautiful picture. But here is the problem, this son now an adult feels entitled and dependent on all that his parents do for him rather than being appreciative and grateful. This young man has been so taken care of, that now as an adult has no motivation to do for himself, and frankly who can blame him. If he knows that no matter what, mom and dad will be there to rescue him from responsibility, why be responsible at all? But what is less obvious, is that this young man feels like a loser. Yes its all good that he has a nice car, state of the art phone, free digs, but all his money goes to his drug dealers, and his parents support his life style. This is not self-esteem building behavior. So though on the outside it may look like "he is in fat city"on the inside he knows that this is not where he should be at 27, with mom cooking and doing his laundry. Becoming successfully independent in young adulthood is normally what we hope for our kids and what they want for themselves.

Here are the takeaways from this tale for parents of teens. In the not so distant future your teens will be young adults. Your job is to help them develop the skills now that they will need as they enter the world on their own. So here are a few tip to help you help them get there.
 1. Do not "overhelp" with their school work. No one is entitled to a college education. If your high school student is not showing academic motivation, and you find yourself the orchestrator of homework and papers, you are not helping your teen to develop those skills they will need when they don't have you around. Be clear with your expectations: "I get you hate doing homework, but here is the thing, no work, no college.
2. Make your kids have to work for some things. Kids do not "need" state of the art  phones, computers, clothes, video games and all the other non-essentials of life.  Teens have begun to expect that they should have the "best of everything". What builds self-esteem, and self-confidence and resilience is not being given too, but working for!
3. Resist the temptation to be the problem-solver as in "here is what I think you should do". Better question is "well, what do YOU think you should do? Do not find them the summer job, the internship, write their college essays, make their college lists, etc. If you do everything for them, they never get to have that feeling of: "look what I did, I'm so proud of myself." Instead you get to feel" look what a great parent I am." More important for your teen to feel that sense of accomplishment than for you.

The bottom line is, becoming an independent adult takes training. Doing for them does not build independence. Adolescence is the time to teach. Giving your teen your blessing that you  have confidence in their ability to handle their life is your gift.

Time to catch up on your reading

Dear readers:
I will be taking some time off to renew and replenish, and will return to blogging on March 16th. Catch up with some of the over 90 posts. There is something for everyone. Enjoy!!

Texting and driving: Developing an action plan

Here is a scary statistic from an article in yesterday's paper on Distracted Driving Among Young People:

63% of people under 30 years old acknowledge driving while using a hand-held phone while and 30% of under 30 text while driving. There were 5500 people killed last year from texting and driving. 

Though I have talked about this issue before, I think it bears repeating.  I have seen a number of people way over 30 years old driving and texting,  but there is not much we can do about that. But I am not ready to give up with teens. They are still young enough and dependent enough on you and your vehicle that you  can hope to have some impact, if you can get them to listen. And that my friends is a big IF. 

For some reason, and I include myself here, when I hear the chime on my phone signifying a text, I get a little excited. Who is it, what do they want? Even though 99.99999% of the time, it is nothing, somewhere I must think that the information just relayed is somehow going to change my life and that I can't live without knowing it immediately!!!!! Come on admit it, you get that little surge of excitement too. Well that's what your teen is feeling times 1000. As an adult, I get that I am ridiculous so I have trained myself not to look at the text until I have parked the car. I do have some ability to delay gratification. Teens, not so much. They need a little help. 

After catching one too many students texting during one of my college classes, I stopped the class and asked everyone to take out their phones. Of course many only had to put their non-note taking hand with the phone in it from under the desk and put it on top of the desk. I then went around the room and asked my students to read the last text they had received. These important messages ranged from: "What-up", to a picture sent of a sandwich their friend was having for lunch. Literally out of 26 students there was not one text that was life-changing to say the least. We all had a great laugh listening to the ridiculousness of these silly messages. But there was a big impact. Reading out loud, and hearing that most of the stuff they get in texts is mindless chatter made them take a moment to acknowledge that they would be missing absolutely nothing by shutting off their phone. It gave them the motivation that some of them needed to delay that gratification.

Helping teens to stay safe while driving takes planning. This can not be just a " you better not be texting or talking on your phone while you're driving, and you will be punished if I find out" kind of a thing. The discussion I had with my students morphed into the driving while texting /talking discussion. This coincided with the new law at least here in Massachusetts that punishes texting while driving with a fine, and a law that prohibits people under the age of 18 years from driving and using a cell phone at all. I asked my students to close their eyes and think about walking to their car. I asked them where their phones were when they opened their car doors. ALL my students looked up at me puzzled, what do you mean? they asked. Where is your phone when you open the door of your car, I repeated. Here is where it got interesting. Their phones are now just another extension of their body that there is no awareness of it. They carry them in their hands at all times, they aren't even aware that they have them. When I said, they are in your hands, they laughed. To them their phones are their hands. When I asked where their phones are when they are driving, they all answered in their non-driving hand, ready to text, make or take a call. And there is the problem. The goal then was to get them to develop a plan and a place to put their phone so as not to be tempted. And that's what we did. The girls said they would shut their phones off, put them in their pocketbooks and put their pocketbook behind the seat. Out of sight out of mind. The guys said shutting the phone off and putting it in the glove compartment. Who knows if they ever followed through, but mine was just an exercise in a psychology class, your teen actually lives with you, and you have more time for practicing. So here is your action plan!

Sit down with your driving teen:

1. Have them read their last 5 text messages, either out loud(which of course they won't do, or to themselves) Ask them on a scale of 1-10 how life changing each text was. This can lead a discussion to the texting /driving issue.

2. Where is your phone when you go to your car?

3. Where is your phone while your driving? (Don't get critical here, when your teen tells you something you don't like hearing.  The work is to help them acknowledge what they do now and come up with something different)

4. Using an I get it moment: "I get that you like to keep your phone close cause you worry you're going to miss something if you don't, or your friends are changing plans and you worry you won't find them. I get this will be hard, cause its always hard to break a habit, but I love you and I want you to be safe."

5. Where can you put your phone when you get in the car so that you can resist the temptation to respond to texts/calls?

6. OK now lets practice.

7. Optional follow-up. You can tell your teen that you will be checking the phone bill on line to see when text messaging and calls are going out and coming in to see if they coincide with when you are driving. We will do this together once a week.

There will be TREMENDOUS resistance to going through this process. So having realistic expectations about how this will go is extremely important. Here is your I get it moment when you get the "this is stupid". "I get you find this whole exercise ridiculous, but just telling you not to use your phone in the car isn't helpful to you unless you have an alternative plan in place. Here is the thing, if you want to drive our car, I need to know that you are on top of this, and have a plan in place. If you choose not to do this, then you won't be able to use our car. Your decision."

And that is that. There is nothing more important than your teen's safety. And judging by the statistics I cited, they need your help. 

I vant to be alone!

Sunday's Boston Globe had a wonderful article this week called The Power Of Lonely. Here is the link:
http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/articles/2011/03/06/the_power_of_lonely/

To summarize, it talked about the benefits of spending time alone. "When we let our focus shift away from the people and things around us, we are better able to engage in what's called meta-cognition, or the process of thinking critically and reflexively about our own thoughts." I know I crave this time alone, letting my mind wander to places it might not normally go. Our lives now make it almost impossible for some people to shut off all the distractions of Iphones, and e-mail, and facebook, and oh, also the face time we give to our jobs, and our families. This leaves little time for rumination. I know some of my most creative and deep thinking comes in the car with the radio and cell phone off, or in long walks with my dog.

The article specifically addresses teenagers and this issue of aloneness. "Teenagers, especially have been shown to benefit from time spent apart from others, in part because it allows for a kind of introspection and freedom from self-consciousness that strengthens their sense of identity." The problem is that though being alone is good for the soul, most teens are afraid of it. They have become so attuned to the buzz of ipods, cellphones, computers and video games, that silence feels alien and to some terrifying. So much so that many teens have developed in inability to go to sleep without some "noise". Just being alone with their own thoughts is scary. I have talked a lot with my college students about this, and in some classes I take the first five minutes to do a short meditation. My students have said how hard that five minutes is for them, and that it feels like forever to just be quiet. This is not a good thing.

Some teens like being alone. Even as children they were happy to play by themselves, and often refused the offer of a playdate, just to be with themselves happily in their worlds of make-believe. Some teens are terrified of being alone, desperately looking for companionship and connection. So there is the nature part of this equation.

You obviously can't make your teen take the time to "smell the roses." But you can model it, and you can call attention to it. Here is your I get it moment: 'You know honey I was thinking about how plugged in we all are, and how little time we give ourselves to just be quiet. I read this article recently that talked about how important it is for everyone to allow themselves time to just process. I get how much you have to do, and how important it is for you to stay tuned in to it all, just wish you would take some time to just be." They will probably look at you and think, what the hell is she/he talking about? But that's ok. Sometimes as parents we are just planters. We drop some seeds of wisdom, and hope that somewhere along the way, some sprouts appear.