Bully Prevention

Last night NBC dateline did a show on teen bullying called: MY Kid Would Never. The focus was less on the teens who did the bullying, but on the bystanders. They had actors playing the bully and his/her victim, so "no teens were harmed in the making of this show." Groups of adolescent boys involved in a basketball team scenario and groups of adolescent girls involved in a shopping scenario were filmed by hidden cameras with the actors playing out a prescripted bullying incident. Unbeknowst to the kids, their moms (where were the dads I wondered) were watching on monitors in another room. As the bullying incident played out, moms were asked how they thought their kids would respond: Would they step in and protect the victim? Would they opt out of doing anything, and just ignore the situation? Or, would they join in with the popular, attractive and perceived more powerful bully?

Most parents predicted that their kids knew to do the "right" thing, and would protect the victim. They said things like " we've been talking about this stuff since they day they were born", or "I have always taught my kids how important it is to be kind and caring". As it all played out, without being exact, I would say 25% of the kids tried to intervene, and the other kids split between ignoring or joining in. So 75% of the parents were shocked, and disappointed in their kids, and said so. They wondered how all the work they had been doing was so ineffective in just those moments they were preparing their kids for.

I think this show was especially effective in showing the power of  the "imaginary audience". This term coined by psychologist David Elkind, referring to the all-encompassing self-consciousness that plagues teens in adolescence. In this case the audience was not so invisible, but this term refers to the worry that teens have that other people, especially their peers, are always looking and judging them, just like an actor on stage. "What are people thinking about my performance?" Because for teens so much of their teen life is a performance piece for their peers. Am I cool enough, am I pretty enough, am I smart, athletic, funny, sexy, tough, anything enough!  This mega self-consciousness is a fairly new way of thinking.  This is what makes this so hard for parents who have worked so hard to teach their kids that it doesn't  matter what other people think of you. Parents have taught their kids from the get go that it  is only important what you think of yourself.  Do the right thing, or dress they way you want to, or act the way you want, don't let your friends define you. Unfortunately in adolescence the brain adds a new layer and ability to analyze situations and to be introspective. So teens live in their heads now as much as they live in the present. This explains why everything takes so much longer, getting dressed, making plans, working through relationships and also situations like bullying. They think and think about all the possibilities and scenarios, and taking action becomes overwhelming with all the choices now available to them through this new brain.

In this show about teen bullying, you could literally see those teen's brains working on overtime weighing out all their options. "If I step in then the bully won't think I am cool, or if I step in the bully will turn on me, etc etc. Just telling kids that bullying is bad, is not enough. Thinking that you're kids will "do the right thing" in situations that to us seem like no-brainers is unrealistic. In the moment, your teen is feeling anxious, uncomfortable, and extremely vulnerable, and like most of us will choose to avoid a response that could make them feel even more uncomfortable. Give your kids a strategy and a script, so in those situations that require immediate action, they will have a game plan ready to go.

Try to find a good segway for this discussion. Maybe you know of a friend whose kid is being tormented by a bully and his/her friends don't seem to be stepping in to help, or you go to NBC.COM and watch this show with your teen. Here is your  I get it moment: "You know honey, I get you could be in this situation, and I know it is hard to take a stand sometimes even though you know its the right thing to do. Kids can be pretty cruel, and I know I would be afraid that that kid would turn on me, so here are some things that might help. Maybe talk to your other friends and together make a pact than when this bully type kid starts in on someone, you all will help. That way no one person feels like they have to take this on alone. There is power in numbers. The bully is counting on the fact that they have the most power. But if you and your friends band together, you are the ones with the control. You can say things like: "You're an idiot, we're out of here.", or "hey man, take it down a notch". Give them a script and an action plan. In those moments of real stress it is hard to do the right thing, I get that!!!

Talk to your teen about sex | MyMassAppeal.com

Enjoy this segment I did on WWLP Springfield show Mass Appeal. Talking about sex....what else is there?

Talk to your teen about sex | MyMassAppeal.com

More sex

At a parent gathering, stories were flying about recent events that had parents reeling. Thought I would share them with you. File under "good kids, good families, and yet...."

Story 1: 7th grade girl comes home from school and tells her mom that at school that day her 12 year old boy...friend as opposed to boyfriend came up to her, and out of nowhere  snidely said: "so you hanging with your boyfriend this weekend, are you gonna have sex? I mean maybe you'll have your period so you know you won't get pregnant." The parent who told me this knows that her daughter who does have a "boyfriend" hasn't even had a first kiss yet, never mind sex. The girl was upset, angry and disgusted. During a break in the school day, she told another boy....friend of hers, who happens to be quite a large young man, about what this kid had said to her. He decided to go to the kid, took him into the stairwell and kicked him the groin saying, "you better not ever say anything like this again to any girl in this school."(PS these kids are from good families and are good kids) On the one hand, this girl took matters into her own hands, or should we say the foot of her "male bodyguard" and felt proud of herself for "taking care of business." Do we say good for her? She is showing a confident, take no prisoners approach to boys who cross the line. I'm guessing most girls would not have been this assertive, and instead would have been intimidated, and humiliated, and clueless as to what to do.

Story 2: Three 9th grade girls and three 9th grade boys hanging out together on a Friday night at one of their houses. The six kids are in the basement, and parents are home and upstairs watching TV. Kids decide to play spin the bottle, but instead of kisses, the boys convince the girls that when the bottle comes to them they have to take off their tops and then their pants. The boys don't have to take off anything. By the end of the game three girls are sitting in their underwear in front of the three 14 year old boys. The girls reported this to a friend, and basically said they didn't know what else to do. They didn't want to do it, but felt they had no other alternative. By the way, these are all straight A students, in honors Math and Science classes and not considered to be in the racy popular kids group.

Why do I tell these stories? I just want to illustrate that it is often the kids you least expect, and who are therefore probably the least prepared to deal with situations they have never been in. Parents of boys, please discuss with your boys that "talking dirty" to girls is disrespectful and unappealing to girls, and could get them in deep "guano" if someone tells on them. Not all girls will be scared, some will run to their parents, some like the girl in the story will get someone to beat the crap out of them, and some might go to an authority at the school. This could potentially be a real deal breaker for them. Getting girls to take their clothes off, oy vey!! Here is your 'I get it" moment. "hey honey, I just heard these two stories from my friend at work/gym/book group. I was so shocked. (tell then the two stories from above) I know that you are hanging out with girls a lot now. I know that you might potentially be in situations where there is pressure to get girls to do things to you or for you,and for you to treat them in a way that I know you know is not right. I also get that you might not know how to stop it and/or get yourself out of it. You can always go to the bathroom, or start looking at your phone, text us and then say to everyone, my stupid parents, I just got a  text from them and they have to come get me now, some emergency or something, I gotta go wait for them outside." Or if you feel confident enough you can say, "hey man, enough already, this isn't cool", which I get might be hard to do in front of your friends."Understand that just because parents are home, that all might not be well in the basement. Unless the parents are sitting in the room with them, kids will find a way to do whatever they want, and you need to get your head out of the sand and assume that there will be times that your teen will be present when the lights go out, and the pants come off. Prepare them!!

For your daughters, you need to get that boys are fearless and boundaryless these days. The good old days are over, and 12 year olds are definitely not immune to sex/drugs and rock and roll. You need to prepare your girls to take care of themselves. Here is your "I get it" moment. "hey honey, I just heard these two stories from (fill in the blank). I was shocked. Do you think you would know what to do if you were in a situation like this? I know I wouldn't have. I get that things like this could happen when you are hanging with your friends, and I want to make sure that you never have to do something you don't want to do just because you don't know what else to do. Lets come up with some contingencies so you are not caught off guard.

I don't why I am still shocked when I hear these stories. I guess cause I am old fashioned and long for the good old days when 12 year olds still had some time to grow up before they had to deal with all this sex stuff. But this is the reality of the world we live in, and as parents you are just gonna have to bite the bullet and have the kinds of conversations you were hoping to at least not have to have until your kid is in high school. Ah the good old days.

My teen the pit bull

A parent talked with me recently wondering how to deal with her teen who will not take no for an answer, not the first time, not the second time, or the hundredth time.  Somewhere along the line, maybe way before his teenage years,  this kid got an inkling that if he just kept at it, there would be a crack in the ice. Maybe it starts with a "NO", then moves to a "we'll see",  and then to a "if I see an improvement in your.... we'll talk about it". Even though in your head it is still a NO, you hope that by leaving the door a little open, your kid will leave you alone. Kind of like when you used to put your young child to bed, and you left the bedroom door open a crack. It made him/her feel less frightened of the dark and sleep, and gave them the illusion that you were still "open" and available to them.

 Teens are extremely motivated to push as hard as they can to get what they want. Perhaps you have that teen who as a younger child was precocious and verbal, "your little lawyer". You may have unknowingly reinforced this "spirited negotiator"because you were so impressed by their creative use of language and persuasion. This child learns early on to impress his parents with this prowess, believes in his/her power of persistence, and in the end is able to achieve the goal, whatever it might be. When they were younger, these negotiations may have been about TV or video game time, or desire for a new toy or game, or wanting to stay up later, fairly innocuous requests.  Unfortunately the request line now is for permission to go to parties/sleepovers at potentially unsupervised homes, or purchasing new technology toys whose benefits are only additional distraction from tasks they already avoid like the plague like homework and responsibilities, or wanting to go to a concert at a venue 50 miles from home that doesn't start until 9 PM, etc etc etc.  Your teens persistence in the present is predicated on what has worked for them in the past. Enter "pit bull".

Here are two options. First, if this is an unequivocal no, no its not safe, no its not practical, no... Then here is your "I get it" moment: simply state the reason, say the "no", and say "I get you are disappointed, I know you are angry with us, but this time our answer will not change. I know you will keep trying to convince us differently, and that will piss us off, but we are not changing our mind." Now here is the really hard part, you need to be extremely consistent with this message without re-engaging with the pit bull since this only energizes and enrages them. When your teen follows you around the house, or texts you multiple times within an hour after you have left the house, and continues to be a royal pain in the a##, you need to literally walk away, shrug your shoulders, put on your ipod earbuds, do whatever you need to do to not re-engage in the verbal volleyball that will absolutely commence. Your teen is going to see a new side of you, the you that won't be deterred from a decision that you feel absolute about. This takes time and practice! You will find this hard. Your teen will be mad at you, and that is hard, but like all things in life, this too shall pass as soon as a new request arises that you will be able to say yes to.

For those requests for which you feel ambivalent, and may initially give a knee jerk NO answer. This might help. Your teen is an expert in hearing your ambivalence, and knows that this NO doesn't necessarily mean NO. So rather than giving a knee jerk NO, take a moment and follow these steps:
Step 1: Say to your teen: "I feel ambivalent about this, what do you think worries me about this?" Give them the opportunity to think this through for you.
Step 2: Say to your teen: "Yes those things do concern/worry me, what can you do to make me feel OK about them?" Make them have to come up with a plan that might help you make a decision.
Step 3: Say to your teen: "What will the consequence be if you do not follow through?" Perhaps at this point you may be able to say yes with the plan in place, or maybe even after you have heard their plan it is a NO. (then follow previous plan above)  Hopefully your teen has done some good work here and you will support giving them a shot at showing you their ability to take responsibility for following through. After all, this is what you are preparing them for. All the life decisions where there are pros and cons. Helping them to figure out how to weigh out actions and consequences, so that when you are not around and need to ask themselves for permission, they will know what to do!

Call of Duty : A parents guide to their duty

Everywhere I speak, and whenever I meet with a group of parents who have boys, a question always comes up about violent video games with a particular worry about Call Of Duty. Should we or shouldn't we? I do not have a specific answer, but I will try to present two sides of this thorny situation and let you and your son decide. Knowledge is power.

This is a violent and amoral game its true. And for those of you who feel that your moral center just does not allow for this kind of game in your home, and that the values so deeply ingrained in you find this game so repellent than this is for you. Here is your 'I get It" moment, and the conversation you can have with your son: "We get that you love this game, and that all your friends have it. I know you think we are taking the violence too seriously, and that you will not turn into a cold blooded killer just because you play this game, but the killing in this game is particularly gruesome and inhumane. We understand that you will play this game at someone else's house, we get that, but having it at home just goes against so much about what we believe in about violence and human life. I know that this feels unfair, and unjust, and maybe just stupid, but we feel its important for us to stand up for what we value at least in our own home."

Here is the more complex solution. If you don't allow your teen to have Call Of Duty in your house, they will for sure go to their friends house to play if they are so motivated. What this means is that much of your teen's free time hanging with friends will now be done at someone else's house. This means you will have even less face time with your teen than you might have if the game was at your house. That is a huge loss. This game is part of the teen boy community. You might not like that, but it is what it is. You can't change it and you really can't forbid it, unless you keep your teen locked in your house and never allow him to visit his friend's home. What you can do is set limits. You can limit the amount of time spent on the game. 8 hours a day is obviously not good. 1 hour a day during the week and a few hours a day on the weekends is fine. Here is your 'I Get It " moment: "We get how important this game is to you, and that all your friends are playing it. Just to put it out there, we find the violence really over the top in this game, but so be it. You can have the game, but together we will come up with some expectations about how much is enough time to play this a day and on the weekends. We will come up with this plan together. However if you fight with us when its time to get off for the day, and become argumentative about it, then we will take the game away or the computer. We are making a real compromise here on our values, and we hope you appreciate that. We are different people and we understand that for you, this game is just a fun game to play, and that it is something that you and your friends do together, and we get how important that is to you."

So there are your two options. You have to do what feels right for you and your family. The work here is not to criticize your teen for liking something you find disgusting. Showing your understanding of your differences is essential, and is more likely to get your teen on board with the rules. Remember its not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.

Leave...Me...Alone!!!

One of the most painful parts of parenting a teen is missing them. Though they are still very much a presence in the house, probably more a presence than you want, as in dirty dishes, pop tart wrappers, empty soda cans, half full glasses of juice strewn around the house, and dirty laundry decorating their floor. You totally wouldn't miss any of that. But you do miss the regular hugs and 'I love you" that used to roll of their tongue, or the ease with which they plopped down on the couch or in your bed to watch a movie, or the time when they actually on their own accord came to you for advice or to tell you a story about something that happened in school or with a friend. Those moments are fewer and farther between, if at all, as you focus on making sure they do what they need to do and don't unknowingly shoot themselves in the foot. Most communication tends toward interrogation: " Did you talk to your teacher? Did you go after school for help? What did the coach say? How much homework do you have? What did you get on the quiz? Did you make that appointment with your guidance counselor? Have you emptied the trash? Get off that phone, and facebook, or that video game and get to your homework!

Does that sound familiar? The irony is that at this point in their life when they do have a lot on their plate, and they are distracted, forgetful, and full of themselves, and actually really need your help to keep it all together, they are developmentally driven to reject your help. They are engaged in the process called "separation/individuation. They want to stand on their own two feet, and handle the world on their own.  When they show the signs that they aren't handling it, like getting disappointing grades, or missing deadlines for projects and papers, or neglecting family responsibilities like cleaning their room or emptying the dishwasher or taking out the trash parents jump into manager mode. This rarely goes well. Perhaps you are able to bully them to get done what you expect by threatening and yelling but it does come at an expense. Teens see things in black or white. You are either the good guy or the bad guy, it is hard for them to see you as both. They want to feel competent in the world, and your constant questioning and criticizing makes them feel incompetent.

If you feel your relationship with your teen has morphed mostly into the interrogation mode. Take a minute and reflect. Are there some things your teen is doing well at?  Have you told him/her that? Are you balancing the need to stay on top of what they aren't doing with pride in the things that they are doing? Sometimes we worry so much that as parents we have to get all the "lessons" in before they leave and go to college when it feels like our job is done, that we forget to see the good stuff. Maybe you have a teen who is really engaged in life, has a ton of friends, active in a sport or the arts, maybe has a part-time job, but when they come home they are slovenly and sullen. You read that as detached from the family, I read that as exhaustion. Here is your "I get it " moment. "You know honey I know I've been on you about a lot of stuff lately, and I think sometimes I forget to tell you how great I think you are. I know you have a lot on your plate, and probably by the time you get home, you're tired. I hate that we argue so much, is there anything I can do differently so we don't. I love you, and I miss how much fun we used to have, and how easy it was."

Separation is hard. But this is the time for your teen to stand on his/her two feet, and time for you too as well. Make some space, they will stumble, but you have given them a strong foundation, now let them build.

He/she is just not that into.....anything!

Amazing though it seems, some teens actually prefer spending time with their parents. So who's complaining? The parents!!!! I have had a number of requests to address this issue from parents worried that their teen is using a "too much homework" excuse for avoiding the part of their life that feels overwhelming, stressful and beyond uncomfortable...their social and activity life. Parents say: "He has lost all enthusiasm for activities he did before" or from another parent:"my teen seems to feel so overwhelmed she won't go to school dances or activities, and won't have friends over to hang", and this parent says:"my teen uses academics to hide from social pressure. He says he has too much work to do on weekends, no time for other stuff. He loves hanging with adults, and seems to thrive on the attention they give him."

All of the kids described above are 8th and 9th graders. This can be such a painful and awkward transition time. Perhaps activities they have participated in the past were parent directed, as in I signed you up or soccer, or baseball, or dance, or piano, or whatever it is you wanted your kid to experience. Middle and High School is when the rubber meets the road. Kids find out that as they get older, coaches aren't so interested anymore in making sure everyone has a chance to play, now they just want to win. Maybe your teen has now realized that this is something he is just not good at, and everybody else sees that too. Sitting on the bench while everyone else plays away can be humiliating. But what you hear from your teen is, I hate this, it's so boring, I hate the coach, etc etc etc. So now what? As a parent it has been comforting knowing that there was practice or rehearsal, and your teen would be constructively busy after school, maybe even on weekends. Now there is an empty void. The days when your minivan used to be full of kids yammering on about the game as you carpooled is now an empty car. Your teen sits mute in the seat next to you, and you see an entire weekend unplanned, feeling guilty that you want to be with your friends hanging out without your teen. Can't he/she find something to do????

First of all, this is a short-term problem. Your teen has closed the chapter on the childhood part of his/her life, but hasn't quite figured out yet what the next chapter holds. He/she knows that they are supposed to want to be with other kids, hanging, fooling around, getting into trouble, but that just does not fit for them right now. They can't seem to settle on an activity/sport/passion that they feel competent and interested in, and  probably academics is something that gives them that same sense of purpose and structure. The only problem with that is it is isolating and lonely. Here are some suggestions. Summer programs. Get them away for the summer at a program that grabs their attention and focuses on a competence, computers, science, writing, whatever you see from your perspective that grabs them. They will make new friends, who share their interest, and potentially bridge the social gap. They may not be able to articulate this to you, but your powerful parent observation skills should be able to steer you in a direction. Remember this is not something you want them to be interested in but something they ARE interested in. OK so its only February. Often teens like this are too shy to get involved in something that they might actually like, and if you suggest something they will reject it out of hand for that reason alone. Sometimes its helpful to enlist the help of a guidance counselor or outside person on the down low. Perhaps you have a kid who is a closet artist. Maybe you can talk to the drama person and see whether they might go to your kid and say, "hey we really need help designing sets for the spring play, I heard you have some skills in painting, could you help us?"Maybe your teen is great with younger kids, and tutoring a neighborhood kid would help him/her feel good. Go to the neighbor and ask if they might call your teen and ask them for help. You get the gist. Think of yourself as a life coach. Youngish teens often don't know what it is they want to do and still need some help. But you have to be more subtle about helping them. You want to give them the feeling that they are in control, and competent. This is a moment in time. As teens become more secure in themselves and their developing identity they will be willing to take more risks. By junior year, most kids are finding those friends, those activities, and those passions that make them feel engaged and involved. Some kids learn to "walk" at 10 months, some at 13 or 14 months, either way they all learn to walk.