Beverly Beckham, a columnist for The Boston Globe wrote a very thought provoking article about our country's young women in Sunday's paper. The link is copied below. To summarize she wonders when our girls will think success is more than: being a sex symbol, or being noticed by men. She says: "Our fashion is about exposing women, our sitcoms are about bedding women, and our songs are about beating women. This is what our girls absorb." She quotes some lyrics from nominated songs from last weeks Grammy's and all I have to say is Whoa! http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles/2011/02/20/face_it_young_women_youre_being_exploited/
Maybe I am just getting old, but I am shocked by the provocative nature of even our young adolescent girls. More parents than I care to count call me after having found provocative pictures, texts, and facebook postings. I am talking about our 12 year old girls here. Clearly we are not getting the message out that though we get that it's fun and exciting to attract boys, nudity and sexually charged language is not the way to go. And what about our boys. How do we teach them respect for girls. Remember my video post(the post was on feb 11) of a few weeks ago where I described a 12 year old boy asking his childhood friend after making plans to walk with her to Starbucks after school. "Can I kiss you? Can I touch you? Can I fuck you!!!" This poor young girl was so upset, she avoided going to school for days.
Is it our own discomfort with thinking about our kids as sexual beings, preventing us from having the kinds of conversations that will make everyone squirm? Maybe we give out mixed messages as women when we are consumed with our own bodies and the images we project. I remember having conversations with my daughter when she was a teen. I would be talking about how fat I felt, or how old and ugly I was feeling.(That's when I was in my 40's, now that I am heading into my 60's I actually like myself better. See getting older is fun) But I do remember very clearly my daughter saying, "and you wonder why I am consumed with worrying about being fat. I get it from you!!!!" And I'm guessing she is more than a little right. I do not have one memory of my middle aged mother ever ever commenting on her size, her sexiness or her aging. Women in the 1950's and 1960's just did not think about that, or if they did they did not talk about it. And what about the dads. I know even from my own hubby and our middle aged friends, there are always comments about this hot woman, or that hot woman. Again, I never ever heard my dad comment about women in terms of their hotness. Maybe, we as adult have to start with ourselves and watch what we say and how we live. Are we giving these messages to our daughters and sons without even realizing it? Do we spend too much time and energy making ourselves look sexy and cool, rather than just healthy? Maybe we have had too much of the kool-aid as well, read too many People magazines, too many Allures and Vogues showing us how to find the fountain of youth. We have bought too many creams, had too much botox ( I draw the line) too many eyelifts and so on. Maybe we have to first model self-acceptance for our kids before we can expect them to follow suit.
At the least we have to continue, on a regular basis to have talks with our teens about this. No matter how much eye-rolling you may encounter, do not let that deter the message. Find opportunities when they present themselves, don't manufacture them. If you are watching a show or hear some lyrics or see something in a magazine or hear a story from the news, or a friend, there is your chance, your "I get it" moment. " I get how this might sound hip or funny, but I worry that it makes girls feel like that have to wear a tight or cleavage revealing top, or short shorts with a butt crack exposed, or whatever, just to get attention from a boy. Do you feel that way?"
Or with your son: " I get that boys think its funny to comment on the size of a girls boobs, or think that they can convince girls to take pictures or give blow jobs in order to be their boyfriend, but its really just to "get a little", and get a good story to tell the guys. I hope you wouldn't lead a girl on like that? Just talking about this once does not facilitate change. This is tough stuff. Our world is changing and this happens to not be one of the good things. Our culture bombards us with messages, but we give our kids messages as well. Do as I say, not as I do, won't work anymore. You gotta walk the walk to really make a difference.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Good cop bad cop: an age old parenting dilemma
Today's Boston Globe did an article about "The Great Divide" when parents disagree about how to raise the kids. When kids are young arguments between parents tend toward eating and TV habits, and bedtimes and manners. Ah, the good ole days say parents of teenagers. If only we were just arguing about too much junk food. Arguments for parents of teens get much more personal. "You never say no, or all you ever do is say no, or why am I always the bad guy, or don't you remember when you were a teen, or kids will be kids, can't you just lighten up?" Worries about your teens safety, future, and their success in life are present in every decision and negotiation you go through with your teen. Differences in personality and style with your parenting partner can become especially apparent in parenting your teen.
Most of us have very vivid memories of our own teenage years and the parents who got us through them. Some memories skew toward the awful. "My parents were so rigid, and punitive, I never want to be that way with my teen, or "I got away with everything, my parents were clueless, its amazing I am still alive, I will be much more on top of stuff with my teenager." You can see the inherent problem here. If you and your partner were parented from opposite ends of the parenting spectrum, and now are parenting from those perspectives, your teen will be in hog heaven. There is nothing easier for a teen than having parents who are extreme opposites. Because their brain now allows them to analyze their parents and how they parent, (your own private couples counselor) they can now figure out who is the best parent to go to for which things. Want to go to a concert and stay out late, go to the parent who is excited you love music and feels concerts are a rights of passage. Definitely do not ask the parent who would never let you go out on a school night, thinks concerts are only for drug addicts, and whose only experience with concerts is the Symphony.
This is problematic, not only because your kid is learning how manipulate his parenting duo, but also because it is a set-up for one parent to have a satisfying and fun relationship with their teen while the other parent ends up with the anger, and the lack of connection as the "bad cop parent."No fair! If there are two parents present in the family, it is important for this teen to have a model of cooperation. If a teen learns to manipulate a situation to his advantage on the home front, this then becomes a roadmap for manipulation in other relationships as well, with friends, with co-workers when they start a career, and any future partnership or marriage of their own. Teens learn how to manage the world from the people who are closest to them, and that my friends are their parents.
The only way to deal with this is to at least have an agreement that neither parent will impulsively give their teen the immediate answer to a request. Teens are extremely talented in the art of negotiation and are not good at delaying gratification, that doesn't mean that you have to feed into that. Both parents have to get into the habit of saying, "your mom/dad and I will get back to you on that." When your kid pressures you for an answer, nothing really you have to say here, but give a shrug of your shoulders, a smile, and a we'll get back to you, and thats that. If is something that is time sensitive, and the other parent is not at home, thats why cellphones and texting were created. Obviously this strategy is for decisions you know are open to question, not the run of the mill, can I go hang at Joey's house. Do not ever disagree as a marital unit in front of your teen!!!! Take it outside, into the bathroom, in the car. Kids love seeing you two fight over this kind of stuff, and it can make one or the other parent seem ineffective and powerless. So please do your own negotiating privately, especially when you have to take defeat. You and your parenting partner may come from two very different places, but respect for each other always always always needs to be modeled. Even saying to your teen after a decision has been made: "you know I get why your mom/dad was so worried about having you do this. But we talked about it and here is why we came to this decision. You are communicating parenting understanding,not necessarily agreement, but respect for differing opinions. Believe me, this will come in very handy when you need your teen to understand you!!
Most of us have very vivid memories of our own teenage years and the parents who got us through them. Some memories skew toward the awful. "My parents were so rigid, and punitive, I never want to be that way with my teen, or "I got away with everything, my parents were clueless, its amazing I am still alive, I will be much more on top of stuff with my teenager." You can see the inherent problem here. If you and your partner were parented from opposite ends of the parenting spectrum, and now are parenting from those perspectives, your teen will be in hog heaven. There is nothing easier for a teen than having parents who are extreme opposites. Because their brain now allows them to analyze their parents and how they parent, (your own private couples counselor) they can now figure out who is the best parent to go to for which things. Want to go to a concert and stay out late, go to the parent who is excited you love music and feels concerts are a rights of passage. Definitely do not ask the parent who would never let you go out on a school night, thinks concerts are only for drug addicts, and whose only experience with concerts is the Symphony.
This is problematic, not only because your kid is learning how manipulate his parenting duo, but also because it is a set-up for one parent to have a satisfying and fun relationship with their teen while the other parent ends up with the anger, and the lack of connection as the "bad cop parent."No fair! If there are two parents present in the family, it is important for this teen to have a model of cooperation. If a teen learns to manipulate a situation to his advantage on the home front, this then becomes a roadmap for manipulation in other relationships as well, with friends, with co-workers when they start a career, and any future partnership or marriage of their own. Teens learn how to manage the world from the people who are closest to them, and that my friends are their parents.
The only way to deal with this is to at least have an agreement that neither parent will impulsively give their teen the immediate answer to a request. Teens are extremely talented in the art of negotiation and are not good at delaying gratification, that doesn't mean that you have to feed into that. Both parents have to get into the habit of saying, "your mom/dad and I will get back to you on that." When your kid pressures you for an answer, nothing really you have to say here, but give a shrug of your shoulders, a smile, and a we'll get back to you, and thats that. If is something that is time sensitive, and the other parent is not at home, thats why cellphones and texting were created. Obviously this strategy is for decisions you know are open to question, not the run of the mill, can I go hang at Joey's house. Do not ever disagree as a marital unit in front of your teen!!!! Take it outside, into the bathroom, in the car. Kids love seeing you two fight over this kind of stuff, and it can make one or the other parent seem ineffective and powerless. So please do your own negotiating privately, especially when you have to take defeat. You and your parenting partner may come from two very different places, but respect for each other always always always needs to be modeled. Even saying to your teen after a decision has been made: "you know I get why your mom/dad was so worried about having you do this. But we talked about it and here is why we came to this decision. You are communicating parenting understanding,not necessarily agreement, but respect for differing opinions. Believe me, this will come in very handy when you need your teen to understand you!!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Icky new social networking sites...beware!
I read a letter today from a local district attorney's office notifying the professional community that works with teens about two websites that teens seem to have found that opens a can of worms definitely left unopened. The first is OMEGLE.COM and the second, CHATROULETTE.COM. Both not only have a tremendous ICK factor, but can be dangerous as well. They are sites and chat rooms that resemble regular on-line chat rooms but now use the added attraction of live video. So basically there is no screening involved and anyone can just click on the site, and you are on stage live and in person. A parent I know wanted to check it out after she heard about it, and it was only seconds after she signed on when someone's video came up and said HI, where are you? She freaked and signed off immediately. But then, she is a responsible, thinking, sane adult. A teen, not so much. I had heard about chatroulette before from a parent with a 19 year old son who was home for college break. Walking into his room one evening to say goodnight, she found him having video sex with some naked strange girl on his computer. Ick, right?????
I am sure that many of your teens already know about this site. These things spread like wildflower, and it only takes 1 kid who has heard about it to bring it up on his/her laptop while friends are over, and it is off to the races, so to speak. I am imagining that teens see this as a fun party game. As in;" hey lets go on chatroulette and check out the guys/girls. There is tons of nudity and perverse sexual behavior for their titillating pleasure. There might be some teens, feeling social awkward, needy of attention or just plain horny, who might start to access this site on a regular basis in lieu of actual human contact. This is both psychologically unhealthy and might potentially put them in contact with people who could take advantage of them in the future. The parent who found her son on this site was actually in a "relationship" with this underage girl. He was 19 and was planning to visit her in the summer half way across the country, in a part of the country where the term "shotgun wedding" means shotgun. Huge worry that this young man could have been charged with statutory rape. Scary stuff. Another smart parent remarked that once the image is online it can be reproduced and there you have pornography in the making. We are not just talking about still shots here but actual video potential.
Have I grossed you out enough? Think of this as just another teaching moment. You might say: 'Have you heard about these new sites....... They sound so scary and dangerous to me. Such potential for teens to be taken advantage of by skanky people. If you know anybody who goes on these sites, you should really warn them. I get how kids might be attracted to sites like this, all kinky and weird, but there are real sexual perverts who live on these sites who are good at tracking people down they find enticing. Really dangerous and scary." Put the fear of Satan in them.
I am sure that many of your teens already know about this site. These things spread like wildflower, and it only takes 1 kid who has heard about it to bring it up on his/her laptop while friends are over, and it is off to the races, so to speak. I am imagining that teens see this as a fun party game. As in;" hey lets go on chatroulette and check out the guys/girls. There is tons of nudity and perverse sexual behavior for their titillating pleasure. There might be some teens, feeling social awkward, needy of attention or just plain horny, who might start to access this site on a regular basis in lieu of actual human contact. This is both psychologically unhealthy and might potentially put them in contact with people who could take advantage of them in the future. The parent who found her son on this site was actually in a "relationship" with this underage girl. He was 19 and was planning to visit her in the summer half way across the country, in a part of the country where the term "shotgun wedding" means shotgun. Huge worry that this young man could have been charged with statutory rape. Scary stuff. Another smart parent remarked that once the image is online it can be reproduced and there you have pornography in the making. We are not just talking about still shots here but actual video potential.
Have I grossed you out enough? Think of this as just another teaching moment. You might say: 'Have you heard about these new sites....... They sound so scary and dangerous to me. Such potential for teens to be taken advantage of by skanky people. If you know anybody who goes on these sites, you should really warn them. I get how kids might be attracted to sites like this, all kinky and weird, but there are real sexual perverts who live on these sites who are good at tracking people down they find enticing. Really dangerous and scary." Put the fear of Satan in them.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Dope, Weed, Pot, grass, cannabus, marijuana,hemp all spell trouble
Teens and pot, not good, Adults and pot, whatever turns you on. I have had a number of letters from parents recently worried about their teens use of pot. It seems that their teens have defended their use with a variety of rationalizations. Some of my favorites include; " I can think better, I can drive better, even the cops don't care, it relaxes me so I can concentrate better on my homework, you should be happy, at least I'm not drinking alcohol!" Unfortunately this is the drug talking. And thats the point, pot is all about distortion. That's what the 60's were all about, and why the lava lamp was invented!
Adolescence is all about new experiences and experimentation. It is a cruel law of nature that tempts teens to try all sorts of new things just at a time in their lives when their brain is engaging in a major growth spurt. Teens live in a world of what you see is what you get. With alcohol you see the fruits of your labor literally in the toilet bowl if you're lucky, otherwise in someone's car or basement. You worship the porcelain temple and then you pass out. With pot the effects are less obvious and more hidden. Pot gives you the illusion of feeling in control but what you're teen is missing is what is going on in the depths of their brain. As with all experimentation, some kids might try pot and see it as a treat every now and then, and others will begin to use more regularly. In either case it is important to talk with them about it.
A little science lesson here. There are receptors in the brain that just love THC, the chemical in pot. These receptors are connected to two very important parts of the brain. The Hippocampus, which is responsible for memory and learning, and the Cerebellum that controls balance and coordination. In short, regular use of pot can cause problems with thinking and problem solving (the hippocampus) and distorted perception of sight, sound and loss of motor coordination. (the cerebellum) So much for the driving rationale. Responding to lights, sound and reaction time are all distorted.
Pot is especially attractive to teens because it relaxes them, mellows out their stress, and if they are someone who struggles with anxiety, pot can be a wonderful new best friend. There is nothing more uncomfortable than feeling anxious, and once a teen who suffers with anxiety tries pot, a love affair begins.
Talking with your teen about pot requires finesse, and the power of understanding. Here is your I Get It moment. You can say to your teen" I get how pot would be attractive to you. I know you are stressed out, and it makes you feel relaxed and mellow. But here is what you don't know." At this point instead of sermonizing and lecturing, either read this to them or have them read it in your presence. https://teens.drugabuse.gov/drug-facts/marijuanaThis is link to a very straight forward Q&A about pot. If you choose to lecture, your teen will think this is your opinion and probably just stop listening, thinking that they know more than you about this particular subject. So real science is always good in this situation. Now I am sure that you will get resistence here. And here is how you might handle this. " I am worried that you don't feel that pot affects your judgement, driving etc. You need to read this article and talk with me/us about it before we will allow you to drive our car. It is important to us that you have the facts here. If we see a change in your grades, or your ability to concentrate on getting your work done, we will have to drug test you every now and then. We love you and want to make sure that you don't unknowingly jeopardize your health and your future.
Talking with your teen who you already suspect is using pot is not easy. Expect them to be resistent, defensive, and in a lot of denial about this. Try really hard to not get mad, this will not serve you well in helping them to understand why this worries you so much. Information is power!
Adolescence is all about new experiences and experimentation. It is a cruel law of nature that tempts teens to try all sorts of new things just at a time in their lives when their brain is engaging in a major growth spurt. Teens live in a world of what you see is what you get. With alcohol you see the fruits of your labor literally in the toilet bowl if you're lucky, otherwise in someone's car or basement. You worship the porcelain temple and then you pass out. With pot the effects are less obvious and more hidden. Pot gives you the illusion of feeling in control but what you're teen is missing is what is going on in the depths of their brain. As with all experimentation, some kids might try pot and see it as a treat every now and then, and others will begin to use more regularly. In either case it is important to talk with them about it.
A little science lesson here. There are receptors in the brain that just love THC, the chemical in pot. These receptors are connected to two very important parts of the brain. The Hippocampus, which is responsible for memory and learning, and the Cerebellum that controls balance and coordination. In short, regular use of pot can cause problems with thinking and problem solving (the hippocampus) and distorted perception of sight, sound and loss of motor coordination. (the cerebellum) So much for the driving rationale. Responding to lights, sound and reaction time are all distorted.
Pot is especially attractive to teens because it relaxes them, mellows out their stress, and if they are someone who struggles with anxiety, pot can be a wonderful new best friend. There is nothing more uncomfortable than feeling anxious, and once a teen who suffers with anxiety tries pot, a love affair begins.
Talking with your teen about pot requires finesse, and the power of understanding. Here is your I Get It moment. You can say to your teen" I get how pot would be attractive to you. I know you are stressed out, and it makes you feel relaxed and mellow. But here is what you don't know." At this point instead of sermonizing and lecturing, either read this to them or have them read it in your presence. https://teens.drugabuse.gov/drug-facts/marijuanaThis is link to a very straight forward Q&A about pot. If you choose to lecture, your teen will think this is your opinion and probably just stop listening, thinking that they know more than you about this particular subject. So real science is always good in this situation. Now I am sure that you will get resistence here. And here is how you might handle this. " I am worried that you don't feel that pot affects your judgement, driving etc. You need to read this article and talk with me/us about it before we will allow you to drive our car. It is important to us that you have the facts here. If we see a change in your grades, or your ability to concentrate on getting your work done, we will have to drug test you every now and then. We love you and want to make sure that you don't unknowingly jeopardize your health and your future.
Talking with your teen who you already suspect is using pot is not easy. Expect them to be resistent, defensive, and in a lot of denial about this. Try really hard to not get mad, this will not serve you well in helping them to understand why this worries you so much. Information is power!
You can't make me!
I received a letter recently from a parent who had attended one of my seminars, thanking me for providing her with a new outlook (the power of understanding) with her 12 year old daughter. With her permission I will share her story with you.
It seems this is a skiing family. In past years, this family of four have equally enjoyed this activity, so much so that this year they decided to really commit and rent a ski house for the season. This couple also have a younger daughter in addition to the 12 year old daughter. This is no small expense and the parents hoped that this would be a great opportunity for family time, chatting in line and on the lifts, skiing the trails together, etc. Seemingly out of no-where, this previously enthusiastic skier only wants to sit in the lodge and "veg". The parents feeling helpless, have this conversation with her which I am sure will be familiar to many of you. "We were offering everything under the sun...Do you want to have a friend up? No. Do you want to stay home with a friend this weekend? No. You can't just stay home and do nothing. I know. What do you want to do? I don't know. We just want you to be happy. Tears at the bottom of the lift. The guy next to us just kept looking at us like crazed parents-ugh."
For whatever reason this 12 year old is feeling differently about skiing this season. Maybe she is self-conscious in a way she never felt before. Maybe she doesn't like the way she looks in her ski clothes, maybe as her body is changing and feeling clumsier and out of sync with her body she feels awkward and uncoordinated, maybe maybe maybe, it could be thousand things that she cannot articulate. It just does not feel right. PERIOD. Embarrassment and worry about how others see you is the over-riding theme of adolescence, and something that you as parents have absolutely no control over. You can't talk them out of it, you can't punish them or threaten them out of it. These are such strong and powerful feelings that if you fight them on it, they will fight back, feeling that the alternative (what you want them to do) is way worse than whatever punishment you choose to dole out. The other frustration for parents is like the 12 year old in the story, most kids can't articulate what exactly is going on, they just know what they know, which is something feels really really bad, and they will stand their ground no matter what to avoid feeling worse, no matter the consequences. This is beyond frustrating for parents, who are determined to figure out the problem, and then fix it. The good news is that this is just a moment in time, maybe a few years, but as they gain some confidence and self-understanding this becomes at least a conversation rather than an inquisition.
These wonderful parents, using the power of understanding and I get it moments I teach in my seminar and I hope in this blog realized this and came to this conclusion: "She is not lazy, she is an excellent student, and she wants to be with us (thankfully), but maybe sometimes she just needs to sit in the lodge with her music, or a book, and be very content. And we need to be OK with that, too. She is such a wonderful girl, we just want her to be happy, but this is all part of growing up and learning who she is, trials and triumphs."
I couldn't have said it any better.
It seems this is a skiing family. In past years, this family of four have equally enjoyed this activity, so much so that this year they decided to really commit and rent a ski house for the season. This couple also have a younger daughter in addition to the 12 year old daughter. This is no small expense and the parents hoped that this would be a great opportunity for family time, chatting in line and on the lifts, skiing the trails together, etc. Seemingly out of no-where, this previously enthusiastic skier only wants to sit in the lodge and "veg". The parents feeling helpless, have this conversation with her which I am sure will be familiar to many of you. "We were offering everything under the sun...Do you want to have a friend up? No. Do you want to stay home with a friend this weekend? No. You can't just stay home and do nothing. I know. What do you want to do? I don't know. We just want you to be happy. Tears at the bottom of the lift. The guy next to us just kept looking at us like crazed parents-ugh."
For whatever reason this 12 year old is feeling differently about skiing this season. Maybe she is self-conscious in a way she never felt before. Maybe she doesn't like the way she looks in her ski clothes, maybe as her body is changing and feeling clumsier and out of sync with her body she feels awkward and uncoordinated, maybe maybe maybe, it could be thousand things that she cannot articulate. It just does not feel right. PERIOD. Embarrassment and worry about how others see you is the over-riding theme of adolescence, and something that you as parents have absolutely no control over. You can't talk them out of it, you can't punish them or threaten them out of it. These are such strong and powerful feelings that if you fight them on it, they will fight back, feeling that the alternative (what you want them to do) is way worse than whatever punishment you choose to dole out. The other frustration for parents is like the 12 year old in the story, most kids can't articulate what exactly is going on, they just know what they know, which is something feels really really bad, and they will stand their ground no matter what to avoid feeling worse, no matter the consequences. This is beyond frustrating for parents, who are determined to figure out the problem, and then fix it. The good news is that this is just a moment in time, maybe a few years, but as they gain some confidence and self-understanding this becomes at least a conversation rather than an inquisition.
These wonderful parents, using the power of understanding and I get it moments I teach in my seminar and I hope in this blog realized this and came to this conclusion: "She is not lazy, she is an excellent student, and she wants to be with us (thankfully), but maybe sometimes she just needs to sit in the lodge with her music, or a book, and be very content. And we need to be OK with that, too. She is such a wonderful girl, we just want her to be happy, but this is all part of growing up and learning who she is, trials and triumphs."
I couldn't have said it any better.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Teen speak for themselves
I WISH MY PARENTS WOULD NOTICE THAT I:
· Just don’t want to talk sometimes, and I’m not being rude, I just don’t want to talk about everything all the time.
· Do try and that I give 100% but they do not understand.
· Am trying.
· All the good things that I do, instead of all the bad things that have come up in the past.
· Don’t do a lot of bad things that other teenagers my age do and that I do listen and care about what they say.
· Try very hard and when you yell it’s always for absolutely no reason and I end up breaking down and crying.
· Try harder in school when they are not checking in on my school work every second.
· Am actually really good at school and try hard just for them instead of only noticing when I do badly.
· Really do try, and what they say to me doesn’t go in one ear and out the other. I listen even when they don’t think I am.
· Am as normal as everyone else.
· Actually do try very hard in school but it just doesn’t show.
· Do really good in school just to make them happy. They are my main motivation because they mean so much to me.
· Try really hard at the things they want for me and that I am not a stupid girl.
· Really have tried to be good and more respectful and better in school, even when they find something wrong with what I did.
· Care about them way more than I think they feel about me.
· Do try really hard even though I’m not perfect, and that I really do love and respect them.
· Do try to make a difference with everything I do even though sometimes it’s hard.
I think that the theme here is that there is a alot more going on than meets the eye. What speaks to me in these comments from 14-18 year olds, is that what you see is only half the picture. They worry that you take their behavior at face value. There is much more going on that teens often cannot articulate, and feel your disappointment in them so keenly that they often just shut down rather than try to talk and explain the fuller story. Food for thought.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)