I read a wonderful editorial recently (see below) Most parents say NO when their teens make one of their many requests because the requests are either unreasonable, unsafe or because parents are tired, worn out and aren't in the mood to deal. But after reading this article it got me thinking about the times in my life when I got a NO. And many times, that NO forced me to rethink, readjust expectations, and become more creative. For example, When I was in the beginning stages of writing my book, I showed what I thought was a finished manuscript to a big time editor of a big time publisher who I had met socially and who graciously offered to read it. I thought I had hit the holy grail. Hey, everyone had told me this publishing thing was hard, and first time out I had my book in someone's hands. Initially the feedback was good, but then I got the "I think we'll pass" email, but with some very sage advice. First I had to lick my wounds, I was disappointed, and had to grieve a hit to my ego. But now I can see that this NO is what made book what it is today, after alot of really hard work I didn't think I had in me, but that NO made me see that I did.
Saying NO doesn't have to be punitive. It can be a gateway to growth. This quote says it all:
Amichay identifies three types of “no”: The one that makes us try harder; the one that inspires us to rethink our visions; and finally, the one that moves us into a different direction.
So one of those times you say NO to your teen, maybe give them that chance to move in another direction. For example, when they come to you with one of their cockamamie, ridiculous, what are you thinking requests; instead of saying NO this is ridiculous, you can say: " Go back rethink, and come back to me with a more reasonable plan, and let's talk. Make them work just a little bit harder, and think just a little bit more, and maybe then they will get their holy grail YES.
http://www.bostonglobe.com/opinion/editorials/2014/03/27/are-millenials-hearing-enough/HPRtqb0oh2eH8Bocjo4chL/story.html
So true Joani. I think we sometimes say yes out of some sense that they will love us less, but that's just rediculous. Kids are looking for guidance and consistency, not a push over. Thanks for the reminder!
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