Thursday, November 29, 2012

College Students Share Their Teenage Angst

A writing assignment for my students who are in my Intro To Psychology class brought me an avalanche of touching stories. I asked them to describe their middle and high school experiences, the good and the bad. They shared stories of friendships gone wrong, forays into partying, and issues they had with their parents. Their honesty and insight was moving, and they agreed to let me share some of their memories with you.  I hope they will give you some understanding about your own teens, for the things maybe they don't share with you, but you wish you knew.

From a young woman:
" It all started when I was 13. I was bullied. Kids called me ugly, frizzy hair, gross, "emo" and made fun of what I wore. A boy I had a crush on found out I liked him, so during class one day he scrapped a chewed up pen cap across my wrist and asked me if I was used to that feeling for when I would cut myself at night. It gets me disgusted at the thought of all of this now, when I look back at it all because I wish I had stood up for myself instead of just standing hopeless. I am a confident, powerful young woman now and don't let anyone bring me down."

From a young man:
" My lightening rod (this is the part of puberty that is the hardest for a teen)  was definitely the time during puberty when I developed acne on my back. I became so self-conscious by my back acne that I would never take my shirt off in public. It became so bad that that I would come home and hurry to take off my shirt so that I wouldn't see my back myself. Pool parties were the hardest for me to go to during high school. Seeing all my friends with no acne on their backs made me very shy and I was most afraid of girls seeing my back. I never want to relive that time in my life."

From young woman:
"Right off the bat my relationship with my parents changed. I became mad at them when they did nothing wrong, and I thought that they could do nothing but make my life miserable. I wanted nothing to do with my parents and I made that very clear to them. Looking back on it now it seems ridiculous because me and my parents are very close now."

From a young man:
When I started playing high school football I was not a good player by any means. After I started going to the gym and getting a girlfriend I found myself excelling. This is also the time when I started going to underage drinking parties. It was exciting to go and I was starting to be accepted by some of the older kids in the school. This wasn't easy on my parents however as I found myself getting in trouble with the police at these parties.  One time I was put in handcuffs because the cops thought I supplied the party with booze, I was 16. Never the less, this added to my ego, I thought of myself as a little "bad ass" with a good girlfriend and good skills on the football field."

From a young woman who immigrated from Vietnam as a child:
"When I became a teenager, I seemed to enter my own world and began only to notice myself. I started enjoying different things that were definitely not at the top of my priority before. All I wanted to do was satisfy my own personal pleasure. From balancing school to spending time with my family, it all became a difficult task as I started to devote most of my time in meaningless things. I began to become very judgmental about my own personal looks, and people's opinions toward me, especially at school. Every little unimportant thing became the majority of my worries. If people looked at me a certain way, I would quickly conclude that they were talking about me, then I would see this as an excuse to change the way I looked. I would only buy a certain kind of clothes, and I lost a lot of weight to fit into the social norm of the school. My mood swings were so heightened that I began to distance myself from my family.  It all seems exceptionally silly now. "

Pretty honest stuff. Self- consciousness is a powerful, overriding feeling during Adolescence as  you can see from these excerpts. But what I hope you can also see is that it is time limited. These now 20 year olds can see that it was a part of their growing up process, that they have outgrown. I hope this gives you some comfort.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Shame On You

I love reading the AOL home page. It's kind of like reading The Enquirer while standing in line at the supermarket, but in private! This video/news posted on AOL story was about two parents.  Frustrated with their 15 year old daughter's complete and utter disregard for their rules, they decided to write this sign and make her stand beside it on a busy road in their community for all to see. It read: I sneak boys in at 3 AM and disrespect my parents and grandparents. One adult driver, passing by the girl, stopped his car and got out to talk to the girl. When interviewed by the reporter wondering what made him stop and talk to the girl, replied that he  "saw that this young girl looked so sad and upset and I was worried that this humiliation might make her do something to hurt herself."

Good for this guy, cause he has this exactly right. Shaming and humiliation is not a constructive disciplinary technique. It is abusive, and by the way rarely produces long term change. Clearly, sneaking a boy into her room at 3 AM is a HUGE concern, and I'm guessing not the first time. But I am also guessing that if this is how these parents are choosing to punish their daughter, their parenting style in general may be somewhat extreme and authoritarian. Probably not a lot of talking going on in this family.

At some point in your teen's life they will do something extreme that crosses your line. Every family is different, and the standard for crossing the line is different for every family.  Responding to this transgression with " How could you do this to me/us?" will get you nowhere. The fact is, your teen did not "do this to you." Your feelings, and wondering what the consequences would be do not even come into play with your teen. For that teen who snuck the boy into her room, what her parents or grandparents would do if she got caught was no where in her horny, impulsive teenage brain. And that is really the issue. Raising a teen means understanding that their egocentricity and narcissism is a part of their personality...for now.  It is not a character flaw, but a developmental hurdle that has to be planned for. Your teen acts on emotion and impulse, not thoughtful and careful consideration.
When parents use shame and humiliation as a consequence for this kind of behavior, they are shutting down communication, not opening it up at this very important juncture.

Clearly there need to be consequences for this girl. Both sets of parents need to sit down with the kids and talk not yell about what happened. Rather than banning this boy from the house which might send them out in secret, I would invite him into their house to hang with supervision. I would make sure there was no late night use of cellphones, which is how this  3 AM rendezvous must have been set up. I can imagine a late night sexting/texting communication that ended in a "I need to have sex with you right now" and up the wall into her bedroom he came!

Humiliation and shame can do long term harm to a person, and to their sense of self. Teens are extremely vulnerable as they are in the very beginning stages of assembling their identity. They are just getting the roots in place, and if those roots are stepped on rather than nurtured, there can be grave consequences.


Tuesday, November 27, 2012

How to Help Your Teens with Stranger Friends On Facebook

A parent emailed me recently asking me to write about this:

"We have a 14 yr old daughter who is not allowed to have facebook until next year. She has been in trouble previously for creating a twitter handle during computer class in 8th grade. Had to speak with principal as our punishment  because she broke school rules and then was grounded from us for breaking our rules.

Now as a freshman, she has created a facebook page and most of her  friends are boys and have been texting two boys from NY and chicago.  I am beside myself and also scared.

What do you suggest to get through to her and make this be okay.  Otherwise super kid, nice friends and very good grades."

Any suggestions or help?
Thanks a lot


I am guessing that this is not an unfamiliar scenario for those of you with teens in those transition years of 6-9th grade. What is a parent to do? First how I wish that facebook was the only social networking site a parent had to deal with. Having a teen these days is like playing that game "whack a mole." As soon as you feel like you have a handle on one site like facebook, another one crops up. Maybe it's google plus, or twitter, or tumbler, or skype, etc. It's all I can do to keep up with the new ones. 

For those of you with younger teens, the answer is short, supervision, supervision, supervision. For some reason, this has become some kind of a dirty word for parents. Supervision has become synonymous with nosy, budinsky, over protective, and disrespectful of your teen's privacy. It is none of these. It is smart! Your young teen especially, is approaching these new technologies with an immature brain, and inexperience. Expect them to do stupid things. Expect them to make bad decisions. And expect them to think you are crazy for making such a big deal. Like this parent above, she has an absolute right to be terrified when her 14 year old daughter is "friends" with boys she does not know. A recent local story about a 14 year old girl who was befriended on facebook by a 41 year old predator, thank god had a happy ending. But the girl did run away from home, got on a bus to NYC. They found her in New Jersey in the home of this man. 

Here are my safety rules: 

1. If I have said this once, I have said this a thousand time, no smartphones. This gives your teen complete and utter freedom from your prying eyes. You have absolutely no idea what sites they are going to, and the frequency and duration of their time on social networking sites. This goes for ITouch, and IPADs, and Just say NO!!!!!Grow some balls parents, and suck it up. Put these on the DO NOT BUY holiday shopping list.

2. Younger teens should only have access to the computer in common areas. Laptops should not be allowed in their bedrooms, where they are away from your prying eyes. I do not have a problem with kids on facebook. It's fun! If you forbid it, your teen will get on it in secret, at a friend's house. The devil you know, is better than the devil you don't, but install a program that limits time. Go over their friend list with them, ask them how each person is connected to them

2. Make sure your teen shares their password with you. If they refuse, than they only get to use the computer for homework, and block all social networking sites. 

3. Spend time with them researching what happens to kids who friend people they don't know, post pictures or text that has caused trouble. Make this a pre-requisite for using the computer for social networking. Just telling them that it can be dangerous is not educating them. Do it together. That's why they invented google. When kids read these stories out loud, it will be heard, unlike your words, which won't. Last night I watched a show called Catfish on MTV using on-demand. It is based on a documentary that came out last year about a filmmaker who had been carrying on a cyber relationship with a woman he thought was his age, mid-twenties, smart, funny, a soulmate. He documented his trip to finally meet her after months of texts and phone calls. It turned out to be a middle aged woman who was quite troubled. This same guy now has a show on MTV where he documents someone else's meet and greet with their cyber sweetie. This show is a GREAT way to start this discussion with your teen about meeting "friends" online. Last night's episode was about a 21 year old girl who had met her gorgeous soul mate on facebook. They had been having  "relationship" for 8 months. Short story, "the handsome male model" she was so in love with and had been talking marriage with, turned out to be an 18 year old bi-sexual girl with enormous issues, as you can imagine. Your teens love MTV, and having you suggest watching a show on it would definately be a good opening for conversation. If you can't stop yourself from being judgemental and critical of how stupid this girl was, than either don't watch or tape your mouth shut. This is about your teen talking not you!

4. Make sure you look at their wall, their tweets, their tumbler, whatever they do, to make sure that there is nothing on there of theirs that you don't like. This is a non negotiable. You want to make clear to your teen that this is a social networking training program, just like learning to drive. Sure it would be much more fun to just get in the car and drive, but your job is to make sure that they are safe.

4. If, like the parent above, you are concerned with strange friends that are posting things that scare the sh** out of you, have your teen unfriend them, or lose computer privilege. 

Education is your best amunition







          

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Lessons For Thanksgiving

I think Hurricane Sandy has given many of us on the east coast an opportunity to pause and reflect on the power of something that is completely out of our control, and how it can affect the fabric of our lives. In my regular spot on the couch, I watch the nightly news, waiting for the last story of the broadcast where they highlight the enormity of the after effects of the storm, coupled with the amazing community of neighbors and volunteers that have risen from the destruction. Though people have lost their homes, and their possessions, they find strength in their love for each other and the community in which they live.  It does make me feel so thankful for the blessings of family, friends, satisfying work, and good health. Life isn't perfect, and there are many days I feel discouraged, or whiny about what now seem like such silly things in light of what those dealing with the after affects of Sandy that people are dealing with. So this Thanksgiving is a time for real thanks.

Your teen may need a little dose of that thanks this holiday. Maybe things haven't been so great. Maybe report cards have been disappointing, or their attitude towards you and the family has you pulling your hair out, or they seem ungrateful and entitled, or distant and uncommunicative. There is not much good to be found. And the more they disappoint, the more you pull away.  Sometimes we need an excuse to wipe the slate. Why not have Thanksgiving be that excuse. If you have found the last few months weighing in on the negative, maybe just for the next few days, you share some thankful moments with your teen. Maybe a text, or a card left on their bed with a " I get things have been hard between us over the last few months, but I am so grateful that you are my son/daughter. I cannot imagine my life without your (insert some of the good stuff here, here are some examples: humor; getting me to watch movies I never would have picked but loved; forced me to learn about..., you get the idea.) I know we will get past this other stuff. I love you."

Don't look for a response or a thank you. This is a selfless gift you are giving with no expectations. Teens need to know that with all the crap they hand out, you will always love them, plain and simple.

Treasure these days. Enjoy this break from routine, and I will "see" you next week.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Thanksgiving love

There is something about the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.  Maybe its the embedded memory of a half day at school and the anticipation of four days of freedom. I know for me its also the anticipation of my favorite meal ever, looking forward to savoring every morsel of turkey and stuffing, and a new recipe for Caramel Apple Pie I saw in today's paper. But what I look forward to most is the minute my beloved daughter walks in the door on Thanksgiving day. There is nothing more special, more delicious, than that first hug with your child, no matter how grown up. Thanksgiving is a day to be treasured. All the worries of daily life, messy rooms, bad attitudes, disappointing grades, worries about money, job, family responsibility all put aside in order to cherish and preserve the present; family, food, and football. ( I personally hate football, but I get it's importance to some)


I know sometimes for parents this is no easy task. Maybe you have had a hard week with your teen, arguments, hurt feelings, parents feeling ignored and abandoned by their kids. I wanted to share especially for these parents a poem that a parent shared with me. She and her son had been at odds at what felt like forever. She was so saddened by the change in their relationship, and was working really hard to find some common ground with her son in this battlefield. One morning, going into her son's room to grab his laundry, she found this poem on the floor. This was not a school assignment, but an impulsive pouring out of thoughts. He did not hand his mom this poem as an olive branch, but instead, left it out for her to find. It is a tribute to the love a son has for his family. Know this, that what you often see on the outside, is not what is really going on the inside. Thanksgiving day is a day for you to share those feelings with your kids. Take the inside love and wear it on the outside, at least for the day, and maybe they will too. 


Where Am I From

I am from long nights lying on the grass
I am from days packed with sports
I am from burnt rice and undercooked hot dogs
I am from arguing about the stupidest things
I am from Love
I am from listening to my ipod late at night
I am from turning on my fan just for the noise
I am from letting facebook turn 1 hour of work into 3
I am from tiptoeing to the bathroom so my mom thinks I'm still asleep
I am from prayers said with the rest of my family over wine, even though I can’t drink
I am from Love
I am from Life

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

3 Steps To Parent-Proofing Your Relationship With Your Teen

 Empathize and strategize, Don't criticize

Rather than criticizing your teen for spending too much time on texting and facebooking friends, as in: "If you didn't spend so much time texting your friends, you would get your homework done and be more prepared for your tests!" Instead use an "I get it" statement: " I get how important it is for you to stay in touch with your friends, lets figure out a way that you can do that and get your homework done." Your teen will not feel judged, but understood. Staying in touch with friends at night is important to them as is homework. Minimizing something that is important to them, just serves to drive a wedge of "you just don't understand!" Now you can get down to problem-solving rather than wasting time arguing about what is important to your teen!

2. Jump into your teen's life:

 Up until the point that your child becomes a teen you have been the conductor of your child's life, exposing them to and engaging them in activities that YOU want them to experience. As teens, they are now at the "buffet of life" trying out and on different persona's, interests, friends etc. Many of these things will feel shallow, wastes of time, and/or completely different from your own interests and passions. If you keep trying to make your teen want to do the things you want them to do, you will push them away. 

Example: You and your family are an athletic family. You expect everyone to participate, family outings, hikes, skiing, etc. Your teen went along with this as a younger child, but as a teen is voicing his/her strong objection. He/she just doesn't like this stuff. One client I worked with had a daughter who loved to bake and was an obsessive watcher of the TV show cupcake wars. Once the parents understood that their daughter had her own passions, they made her the family "baker,"a role she loved and felt respected for. It changed the whole dynamic between her and her parents. 

Maybe your teen loves watching some TV show you find revolting and disgusting. Teens often watch these shows, not because they emulate these people, but because they don't! When you swallow your pride, and sit down with your teen and watch their favorite show with them, you accomplish two things. First you stop making them feel less than, by joining in on the fun. Secondly you get an opportunity during commercials to understand what turns your teen on about these people. It is a great way to find out what your teen thinks about things without asking directly. Do not be judgemental or" lectury", as in "I don't understand why you watch such crap!" Instead you can talk about the characters as if they are real people:" Oh my god, do you believe what she just said!!!" React in real time as if these people were your friends. When your teen feels you aren't pretending interest and are just hanging with them doing something that interests them, you show them respect. 


3. Stop Yelling!!! 

A teen's brain is wired differently than the adult brain. The amygdala, or the emotional center of the brain is in much higher activation in teens than the thinking center or frontal cortex. When you raise your voice, your teen reacts automatically to the sound of your voice and not to what you are saying. The old adage: "it's not what you say, but how you say it" should be your guide. If you want your child to listen to you, stop yelling!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Beware..Your Teen May Be Smarter Than You

Zits Comic:
Jeremy is talking to a clerk at a cellphone store, parents hover nearby:

Jeremy: My parents need new cellphones

Clerk: I can handle that!

Jeremy:They don't really know what they want, and they're going to have some question.

Clerk: No sweat!

Parents looking around phone store looking terrified at all the choices.

Jeremy to clerk: That's them over there.

Clerk: Stay close

I laughed out loud when I read this, because even though my daughter lives long distance, I still call her with IPHONE questions. She has probably told me a million times how to put someone on hold when another call comes through, and I still drop the first person every time.

For some reason, maybe kids are now hardwired for technology since it is now introduced earlier than the ability to walk! They get how to do just about anything with their computers and phones, including how to expertly hide conversations, passwords,  and can hack back into their computer when you think you have blocked inappropriate sites, or social networking sites you want to limit usage on. But they outsmart you every time. This is not a good dynamic to foster. I love when kids can help their parents out for projects parents need help with like editing home movies, or photos. Putting your teen in the position of teacher can be nice. It makes them feel competent and useful. However, you do not want your teen to feel that they actually know more than you when it comes to their uses of technology and social networking. This is a system that becomes unbalanced in favor of your teen.

When your teens are on the younger side 11-16, they very much need your help (even though they don't want it) to stay safe and to avoid becoming completely addicted to their phones and computer in lieu of doing homework or experiencing actual human contact! I have worked with many parents who say that their kids have passwords to their phones that they are unwilling to share with their parents. Give me a break!!!! Who is in control here. If you have a teen between the ages of 11-16 who refuses to give you their password to their phone, than you refuse to allow them to have a smartphone. Hello basic boring phone! The phone is yours, and you are allowing them to "borrow it." It is not some sort of unalienable right of childhood to have a fancy phone. Kids do stupid things with their smartphones, take pictures or videos that could get them in trouble, write texts that might get them into trouble, visit unseemly websites, and spend way too much time with them in general. Teens do not have the discipline, foresight or motivation to edit themselves in any way. They need your help. You know not to offer them junk food for every meal, and if you found your kid hoarding food in their bedroom closet you would be right to think there was a problem. Same goes with the phones and computers. Do not allow your teen to be in control. Don't get mad when they are abusing the usage of these devices if you have not provided good training and supervision.

This is your job as a parent. Kids do not use technology the same way that we do. Educate yourself, and set limits to keep your kids safe. If you find out that your kids are sabotaging your efforts to help  keep them safe, then they lose the privilege, and I mean privilege, not right, to have them!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

When It Comes To HS Seniors..Show Them Some Respect

 The other day this young woman commented on one of my blogs about parents and college. Here is what she wrote.

"I'm 18 and a HS senior. I've made the decision not to go to college and instead enlist in the Navy. At least 10 times a week I get the "where are you going to college" question and i explain to them my future plan. I wish adults were forced to read your blogs!"

Are you and your friends guilty of this charge. Do you find yourself asking your teen's friends who are seniors, "so what's your list?" When your friends ask you about your high school senior, do you find yourself giving out his/her resume? "oh she/he got a blah blah blah on their SAT/ACT, has honor roll grades, and here is his/her list of colleges that he/she is applying to." I wonder how many parents have actually asked their teen's permission before they go out blab to their friends these very personal statistics. I 'm guessing if they did, most kids would blanch at the idea that their parents were offering up their report cards and test scores. So please, ask your teen's permission before you share their personnel file. When nosy parents ask you the dreaded question "so where is your teen applying?" You can say proud and out loud, "you know, (insert son/daughter's name) has asked me to not share the details of this process, and I respect that. So let's check in again with this in the spring" Done! The reality is that the reason everyone is so nosy about everyone else's kids is that want to see how their kid measures up. If your teen is doing well, you are proud and want to share your pride, and also maybe a little bit of "see what a good job I have done as a parent." And if your teen isn't at the top of his/her class, it might feel comforting to you to hear about other kids who are similar. But truly, it is nobody's business and out of respect for the difficult ordeal this is for your teen, you need to respect their privacy.

Feel free to share your feelings about the process. Maybe you are frustrated, or worried, or excited, whatever it is, feel free to share your experience of this process. The schlepping to colleges, the worry that your teen isn't working hard enough on all the essays and application and that they won't get in on time, your feelings about your teen leaving home and leaving you, all of this stuff is your experience and you totally need to get support.

And please respect the privacy of any seniors that you come in contact with. This young woman who commented above, is not in the minority. In fact, kids HATE when adults ask them these nosy questions. It feeds their anxiety. If they tell you their list, and then don't get in to those schools, it's downright humiliating. Understand that this college process is absolutely terrifying. I will close with a quote from a young woman who was a senior last year and wrote an article for the Boston Globe
"How's that college application? Don't Ask. Here is what she said:

"I 'm scared, and I don't know how to handle it. We all are. But preparing ourselves for college is something each of us has to do alone. Because when we actually get to this school, we're only going to have ourselves to rely on. That's a pretty big deal, if you ask me. If you really want to be encouraging, ice cream will do just fine!"

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

What Ethel And Bobby Kennedy Can Teach Us All About Raising Kids

This weekend, having completely overdosed on election coverage, I watched Ethel, a fantastic documentary on HBO about Ethel Kennedy, which was directed by her daughter Rory, a wonderful documentary filmmaker. ( I have seen other films she has done) Anyway, I had many takeaway's from this extraordinary family of 11 children. I hyperventilate just thinking of raising and having that many bodies and personalities all in one household.

First and foremost, Ethel and Bobby Kennedy loved, loved, loved children. I don't just mean that they loved their children, I assume most parents do. I mean they loved children, hanging with them, talking to them, playing with them, eating with them, going away with them, and seeming to prefer their company to anything else in their life. I'm not sure all kids would say that their parents love being with them. I am reminded of a dinner out a restaurant recently. We were with friends at a lovely, grown upish restaurant, on the early side for dinner. Next to us were two tables, one with 5 young children and two nannies, and at the other, the moms, enjoying a glass of wine while the nannies were hanging with the kids. And did I mention it was one of the kid's birthday?????? See this is what I mean about Ethel and Bobby, dinner with the kids was sacred, playing with the kids was a priority. As these now middle aged adults reminisced, they all individually talked about this as an important part of their lives. Though their dad was obviously engaged with important and serious work, and often away from home, he spoke with them regularly and lovingly even during a crisis moment during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Those kids knew without question they were loved and the most important people in their parents lives. I have worked with many families where parents have long work hours or travels regularly for work, or parents are separated or divorced, and was surprised at how infrequently they talked to their children. Teens especially need to feel connection to their parents, even if it seems like they are not at all interested. If you are not the custodial parent, or you work late or travel often, make time every single day to connect with your kids.

Another striking element of this family was how important Ethel and Bobby felt it was to make sure that their kids knew that the privileged life they led was NOT how most families lived. When Bobby Kennedy was doing work on the  Civil Rights Act, the kids went with him(all 11) to the South, so he could show them make them understand what it meant to be discriminated against. When Bobby Kennedy was fighting with Joseph McCarthy in court about blacklisting, Ethel took the kids to sit in that courtroom, day after day, even the young ones, so they could learn and understand discrimination. These parents did not protect their kids from the evils of the world, they exposed them, and taught them what the world had in store for them.

Dinner time was a protected time, and a time for conversation. The kids were expected to read the newspaper and to be up on current events, and be ready to share their opinions at the table. What an exciting dinner table that must have been, 11 children, 2 parents all fighting for the floor! I am always surprised by how little most teens know about the world. Granted they are not much interested, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't help them to stay informed. Watch the national news together, on a real TV not online, read interesting news stories at the dinner table and generate discussion. Stimulate them, excite them about the world they will be joining!

Ethel and Bobby obviously had a unique life, and were part of a legacy passed down from both their families. But the lessons they teach about family are for everyone. Love being with your kids, stay connected even when it's hard, show them that the world is a much bigger place than your community, and teach them that all people should have rights and dignity. You'll be doing a good thing!

PS: For those of you who enjoy this blog, please pass it on to 5 friends. Also I take my show on the road and speak at schools, and for community groups, businesses, churches, temples, and on street corners. If yo would like me to come to your community please contact me @ joani@joanigeltman.com

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Homework: Whose Job Is It?

Zits Comic:
Jeremy looking overwhelmed, talking to his mom:

Jeremy: Mom, my literature homework is impossible again.
Mom: How can I help?
Jeremy: Do it for me?
Mom: Not a chance!
Mom: But I will email your teacher and tell him that you're having difficulty with his assignments.
Jeremy: WHAT??????? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jeremy: If you're going to meddle, at least meddle my way!

I know this must sound familiar! That ridiculous math problem that even someone with a PHD from MIT couldn't figure out. That really happened by the way. When my daughter was in middle school the powers that be decided to try out a new math curriculum. Let me just say that not only did this curriculum bring the kids to tears, but all the parents as well. We would bump into each other at our local supermarket, and discuss the previous night's homework as if it were our own. "Do you believe last nights assignment, I want to kill the person who designed this damn curriculum," we would say to each other. And truly there was an MIT mathematician parent in the class, and even he reported throwing the textbook across the room. Let's just say we weren't the best role models for our kids.

Sometimes your teen's homework is frustrating, perplexing and just plain hard. If your teen has a low frustration tolerance, giving up seems like the smartest strategy. Or if you have a teen who has breezed through elementary and middle school, and now the work is finally challenging, they are caught off guard, "ooh, maybe I'm not as smart as I thought I was." Or maybe the assignment is just plain boring. Whatever the case, they might actually come to you for a solution, like just giving them the answer. In the above example, I think all of us parents agreed that this curriculum was completely turning the kids off to math, and setting them up for total math anxiety. We were powerless to change the curriculum, but you can bet your bottom dollar that we gave some very honest feedback to the math department head. But that didn't help in the short term when our kids were crying and saying they were stupid. What we could do though was acknowledge for the kids that this was tough stuff, and to do the best they could, and truly it wasn't that they weren't smart enough. A lot of kids got pretty mediocre math grades that year, but most of us just let it go. Really, what's the big deal, 7th grade grades are not figured in for college!

When your teen comes to you for help, your first job is to diagnose the problem. Try to refrain from jumping into problem solve, or conversely criticize them for giving up too soon. Start with this instead: " I get this assignment is really frustrating for you. Tell me where you're stuck?" Maybe they just need you to break down the assignment into smaller more manageable pieces. Teens often can't see the forest through the trees, and because they are inpatient and want to breeze through the subjects they really hate, they get overwhelmed from the beginning. You can help by having them break down the assignment into steps, and get them to spend 15 minutes on the first step and then take a break. When they have success with one step, it gives them motivation to begin the next one. They need a ton of encouragement and understanding. " I know this stuff doesn't come easy to you, but I know you can get it." If you jump in and do the work, they take away two things. One, Yay, I can get mom or dad to do my work, and I am off the hook, and two, maybe mom and dad don't think I can do it, and so they don't want me to screw up with the teacher, so they want to do it for me.
I know of a young woman, now a graduate student, whose dad wanted to get her into his Alma mater, so in high school he basically wrote all her papers, college essays etc. He continued in college to edit, and I use that term loosely her papers.  Now as a grad student in a program that is making her a carbon copy of him, she is unable to complete the work without him. This is an extreme example, but you can see the problem here.

Your teen needs your confidence that he/she can succeed, and is not lazy just frustrated. You are  available for support and consultation but the ownership of the work always belongs with him/her. Having realistic expectation is a must. Your teen will have areas of strength, areas of weakness, and areas that he/she is just not that interested in. And that is just fine! No kid is good at everything!