Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Boy Wants Sex

Ok, more sex talk. A mom called me the other day upset about the text messages her 13 year old daughter was receiving from a 15 year old boy. Daughter is in the 8th grade, boy is a 9th grader. This mom is extremely proactive in monitoring her daughter's facebook wall posts and text messaging, thank god! The daughter has been informed that mom will be checking her wall regularly, and when she can, she checks her daughter's phone. Mom had been seeing repeated facebook messages, wall posts and text messages from this boy asking for sex, pure and simple.  This 8th grade girl, flattered by the attention of an"older boy" has been giving off mixed signals to the boy. When her mom talks to her after reading one of these texts/messages, the daughter says that she is upset and uncomfortable with this type of attention from the boy, but when push comes to shove, she only tells him in the mildest way possible to stop. Mom has repeatedly told her daughter that if you don't tell him to stop I will call his parents.

I get this girl's ambivalence. If she says stop, and means it, then maybe this boy will stop paying attention to her, and she likes the attention part, just not the pressure about  the sex part. She is in a conundrum. Play along and keep this older boy, or be firm and risk losing him. Tough dilemma for a 13 year old. Clearly this girl is unable to set the limit, and clearly she has too. Here is what I told the mom to say and do. " I get how hard it is to tell this boy to stop sending you these kinds of text messages and facebook posting. I know you do not want me to call his parents, so here is what we can do instead. You and I will sit down now together and write a text for you to send to him. We will send it, and in this text, you will make clear that your parents read your text messages, and if he doesn't stop they are going to call his parents, so stop sending them and posting messages on my wall too. We will then block his number so for now he will be unable to text you. I know you don't like this, but we need to get him to stop harassing you. Also I want you to defriend him from facebook. Again, I know you kind of like this boy, but since its so hard for you to be clear, which I understand, than I have to help you do this. The only other choice is to call his parents, and I know you really don't want to do this. I love you, and I want you to be safe. I am not blaming you, I am not mad at you, I just want to make sure that this boy gets that you are absolutely not interested in a sexual relationship with him.

And, if you are a parent of a boy. He needs some talking to. Harassing girls for sex can get him into trouble. Text messages, facebook messages are all public, and an irate parent who sees these kinds of messages to his daughter will  react, and react harshly. Please explain that to your sons, and most importantly, teach respect for women and the word NO!

And there you have it. This stuff is hard. Hard to have to read sexually provocative messages either to or from your teen, hard because you know your teen feels so much is on the line in the way they respond, and hard because so much of this stuff sneaks by you, and who knows what other kinds of issues your teens are experiencing. Just stay alert, and keep monitoring and supervising. They may hate you today, but thank you tomorrow.


  1. I have a somewhat similar situation with my 13 year old daughter on Facebook. I have her password for both her facebook & email account & she knows & is fine with it. This past month she suddenly was "in a relationship" with a friend on FB. However, she & her friends all role play as anime characters & this boy ended up being an 18 year old from the Phillipines! I confronted her & warned her about internet predators & online pedophiles. She said it was a fake relationship just between the anime characters. A few days later I saw she was no longer in this "relationship" much to my relief. I again reminded her I can go into her acct at any time to monitor these things & she was fine. Now today, I randomly checked her FB messages & to my shock & horror saw she was exchanging sexual messages with another "anime character" who is supposedly a 15 year old boy who lives in another state on east coast ( we live in midwest). I only read a little because I did not expect those words to be coming from my daughter! She has never shown any interest in boys other than her anime characters, which are pretty much cartoons. I want to say something but dont want her to think I am constantly spying on her. Now I really wish I didnt have her password. I am scared because a girl in her grade is pregnant & friend of hers had a pregnancy scare. She doesnt seem like the type to think such things let alone say them! She doesnt wear make up although I have told her she could wear a little bit since she does have some acne. I am at a total loss here! Do I confront her or just continue to keep a close eye on her? Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks in advance!!

  2. Hi Amy
    This is tough stuff. You absolutely talk with her, lets not use the confront word. You absolutely need to be checking her facebook with her at the end of every night to make sure nothing, and I mean nothing is on there that is of a sexual nature.She is only 13!!!!!! Her computer should be in a public place, not in her room. Rather than thinking of this as punishment. think of it as training her for life. Young teens especially have no understanding and boundaries about this stuff. They are playing "grown-up, and she needs your help. That is how you present this. 'I get you like the attention from these boys, but talking about sex with them is dangerous. In order for you to be on facebook, I will need to go on with you at the end of the day, to make sure there is nothing unsafe on there. I love you and it is my job to protect you.' Hope this helps, joani