Connecting With Your Teen Is Not always Easy

One of the major tasks of Adolescence is to develop a personal identity; what are my values, my interests, my passions, what are the qualities I look for in friends and lovers, what is my sexual identity, what are my goals? etc.  Part of this process is also to look closely at the people who raised them, and analyze how they are both different and the same from them. I always say that having a teen in the house is like having your own personal therapist. With this new brain of theirs, they are able to really look at you without the cloud of perfection that hovered over you in their childhood. Why the hell do these kids have to grow up?????? They are now free to share with you their thoughts and ideas about you! Unfortunately much of what they share is the stuff we already don't like about ourselves. Having them be so honest can be very uncomfortable. But if you can listen without hurt or defensiveness, you might learn something new and potentially useful about yourself. More importantly it is part of the process of figuring out who they are.

As teens start thinking for themselves, they might start to go down paths that parents aren't comfortable with. I'm not talking about unsafe or risky behavior, but life choices about what they like to do, where they might want to go to college, and ultimately what they want to do with their life. Most parents have dreams for their kids. In healthy families, parents keep those dreams to themselves waiting to see what path their children seem most interested in, even if it means parents giving up their own dreams for their kids. In some families, parent's dreams for their kids is more of a requirement than an option. We call that Identity foreclosure, when the option of choosing one's own identity is taken away from them. The following paragraphs are answers to a question on the final exam I gave last week, asking students to choose the identity type that most describes their experience with this process. These students have answered identity foreclosure.

Food for thought:

"My parents forced me to go to all elite catholic schools form kindergarten to college. I  was never allowed to get anything below a B or I would be in serious trouble. I am now not a catholic."

"My parents picked nursing school for me. they said they would only pay for college if I went for nursing. My mom graduated from a nursing program and really wanted me to go."

"My parents control most if not all decisions made in my life. If they think that this is the best decision for my future they will push me toward that path without acknowledging my concerns."

"Everyone in my family is in the medical field and my parents urged me to become a nurse. I was pushed to pursue this.

Our kids are not mirror images of us. (thank god, I think my daughter is way more interesting than me). They may be living a life as a teen that is completely unfamiliar to you, your interests, and maybe what you were like as a teen. I made this film (link below) to help parents to build a bridge between who you are and what your expectations are for your teen, and respecting who they are becoming!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzpwSYP-Id0 

Get a group together of fellow parents, and join me at my house for A KITCHEN CONVERSATION.  I will cook for your group and provide 2 hours of expert parenting advice geared to your needs and interests. Organizer attends for free!!! email me for more information:joani@joanigeltman.com or call 781-910-1770.

A Roadmap For Parenting

This is a blog I wrote 4 years ago. Scrolling through my blogs this morning trying to get inspiration, I came upon this one. Since the beginning of pandemic, writing my weekly blogs became a slog! My motivation just went out the window. I am happy to say that after a hard fall, I feel a renewed sense of purpose. I hope my Monday morning posts will be helpful. Please email me if there is something you would like me to write about! Anyway... having just spent a beautiful thanksgiving with my daughter and her partner, coming upon this particular blog felt like "bashert" which is a yiddish word for something that it is meant to be. 

Parenting a teen can be a slog, let's face it! It's not like at the end of every day your kid throws their arms around you and thanks you for all the things you do for them. Talk about delayed gratification!!! That is really the reward of parenting. All the hard work and hard times you are experiencing now and the less the always loving reception you get for your teen is really just a moment in time! In the many years that follow, when your teen becomes a young adult and adult, those hugs  and word of appreciation will be ever present. Just not right now. This blog reminded me of all the yin and yang of parenting; When to set the limit, and when to step back and let your teen take the steering wheel both metaphorically and practically. Too bad those signs that sit in the back window of your card NEW  DRIVER can't also say, I'm a teen, and I make mistakes! 

Anyway, I'm rambling..... read on and enjoy and I'll see you every Monday!! Follow me on facebook!

PS: I am starting a new venture: Let's Have a Kitchen Conversation. I am passionate about cooking and passionate about helping parents. I thought, why not combine the two? Parents deserve a bit of nurturing for themselves after these hellish 2 years! So put a group together, 8-10 people, and come to my house for lunch. I can do weekends as well. At these lunches you will get great food and two hours of tailored to your needs, parenting advice. Email me at joani@joanigeltman.com or call 781-910-1770 for more info!!

 I just returned from a quick trip to LA where I was honored to receive the Judy and Hilary Swank Award for Parenting given by the Actors Fund Looking Ahead Program, which serves young actors and their parents. When I was called and told I would be receiving this award, I thought every parent should receive this award in recognition of the hard but rewarding job of being a parent! So I share this award with all parents!!! The first thing of course I did was to cry! This award recognizes a parent who has raised a young actor who has gone on to become an exceptional adult actor and all around wonderful person, which my 35 year old daughter certainly is!! I wanted to share with you my acceptance speech. Though geared to raising a child heading towards a professional career as an actor, I think it applies to raising any child with a passion whether it be sports or music, or art or leadership or academics or community service or for being a great friend and all around wonderful kid!  I hope you enjoy!! Here goes...

When Ari was a little girl, we introduced her to an array of activities, but what captured her heart was her first grade play.  She had found her passion at age 6.  There was no question that we were in 100%.  Finding our role in all of this wasn’t always easy. We had no roadmap and we had to figure out how to manage and balance our own lives with the demands of Ari’s busy career. 

We took our cues from Ari.  There were boundaries, unspoken but abided by. We were NOT her managers, her directors, or her agents; We were her parents. We were her uber drivers, chaperones, food service workers, appointment secretaries, and her most ardent supporters. We did not coach her on scripts, give feedback on her performances, or tell her what project she should do; that was not what she needed from us. She had her own mind, and eventually, “her people” for that. What we could do, as her parents, was to give her the freedom, opportunity and commitment to follow her dream.

Sometimes we were faced with decisions and dilemmas that challenged our roles as parents. Like when Ari was 13, she was lucky enough to be cast as the fool in an all women’s Shakespeare company production of King Lear. Ari was the only child and non-equity performer. They were to be in residence at Smith College for the summer and then go on the road for several weeks with the show. Because Ari was not equity, there was no place for me, both literally and figuratively.  But we figured it out. I slept on the floor of her tiny room and stayed out of the way until and unless Ari needed me. As the cast became a family and Ari felt ready to take on some independence, I took my leave. All that she learned that summer as a 13 year old is still very important to her. Just 2 years ago the company reunited in Scotland to perform together. Relationships and the work families she has become a part of had their beginnings in these early experiences, and I am so glad I didn’t let my own anxiety get the best of me. 

When Ari was 15 she was in a production at the Huntington Theater in Boston, where we live.  As often was the case, Ari was again the youngest in the cast by many years. Again she became part of her stage family. Her stage brother then 25 most especially. After the production ended, Michael invited Ari to New York City to stay with him and his then boyfriend. So I put her on the train, and off she went. My friends were aghast. "You’re letting her travel alone on the train?" "You’re letting her stay with two 25-year-old men, what are you thinking?" Here’s what I was thinking,. My only child now has a brother, an amazing man who loves and cares about her enough to invite her into his life. And now here we are 20 years later, Michael, here in the audience, is one of my most cherished friends, and is still, and will be forever, Ari’s family. Now she is Auntie Ari as Michael and Brian’s family has grown by two beautiful babies. The Power of relationship!!

In the summer before Ari’s senior year in high school we were in LA auditioning, and she landed a test for a pilot to shoot immediately. I really didn’t understand and was clueless that this meant she would need to sign a contract in 24 hours that might determine her life for the next 5 years. I felt strongly that you only get one senior year of high school. Ari was engaged in and loved her school, had amazing friends, and wanted some college experience. This opportunity could potentially erase this year of that life. Ultimately I had to make the call, Ari WOULD be going back for her senior year- no pilot! I felt no ambivalence about my decision.  But I understood completely and my heart broke for the pain and disappointment Ari was feeling.  I think in the end the lesson Ari took away from this experience was to really understand what is most important in life, and sometimes that means making really hard decisions. 

I have been so inspired by those kinds of hard decisions Ari now makes about her career and her life. She has stayed really true to herself about the work and the art she wants to put out into the world, even when it is not the most popular decision. If even a little bit of this came from that hard day almost 20 years ago in LA, I will be grateful.  

This is a tough business, so much of what an actor has to cope with are decisions made about them beyond their control. As a parent this can feel absolutely excruciating, unfair and yes, sometimes even cruel. Our instinct is to want to protect our children and fix it!  Over the years I have learned from Ari that what she needs from me in these moments is not advice, but instead a safe and loving space to be understood, with the freedom to experience and express her feelings. This lesson has probably been the hardest (still working on it) but honestly it is the most valuable and powerful one for me as both a mother and a professional.

As a parenting expert and writer, I am as passionate about my work as Ari is about hers, and I know that my experience raising my dedicated, and extraordinary daughter informs much of who I am and what I teach parents today. I have learned so much from her. She continually challenges herself to live a life full of integrity, purpose, passion, and authenticity. To learn, to experience, to take risks, to love and most importantly to find the power within herself to live a fulfilling life as both an artist and a woman.

A family's story raising 19 exceptional kids!

 I watched a documentary movie this weekend called Who Are The Debolts and Where Did They Get 19 Children? You can find it on netflix or Amazon, and it will give you the secret to parenting and raising exceptional kids. It starts circa 1973. Dorothy and Bob marry, the second marriage for both. Together they have 4 biological children. And then the fun begins. They decide to adopt and adopt and adopt and adopt until they finally have 19 children. I know...seriously! I have an only child! The children they adopt were complicated. Some came from the last airlift out of Vietnam, traumatized both emotionally and physically from war. Some were from Korea, and some from the US. All had special needs. Many had serious physical disabilities. One of their daughters, Karen had no natural limbs, using prosthetics for both her arms and her legs. Other children had polio, or missing limbs and seriously handicapped, others blind. Like I said this is a complicated family. I cried the whole way through. (but in a good way)

What was their secret? Their secret and the gift they gave to their kids was that every single one of them, no matter how disabled, were expected to be their best. Not over and above, and not with pressured expectations, just with the belief that they were "able" to do whatever they set their minds to do. Bob and Dorothy would be there to support, but not cajole, convince or coddle. It's hard even to describe the "ableness" of these disabled kids, because they believed and saw themselves as mobile and as intelligent and as independent and "able" as any non-disabled child. Watching 9 yr old Karen, putting on her prosthetic limbs and then dressing herself was a feat worthy of an Olympic medal. Watching kids manage a grand staircase with crutches and braces on their own is awe inspiring. Watching the absolute love and affection shared among each other, and watching the fun these parents shared with their children support the notion that raising kids who believe in themselves, who want to challenge themselves to become the independent and successful adults we want all our children to become is really quite simple. Allow and encourage your kids to take risks and to challenge their comfort zone, provide support and expectations without pressure, and have fun...lots of fun.

Maybe you see your teen as having a rough time of it. Covid has certainly contributed to major stress in our kids and in ourselves. Maybe he/she struggles academically, or socially, or suffers from depression or anxiety. Or maybe your family is in crisis with a divorce or major illness in in the family, and you're worried that your teen is overwhelmed with the family situation.  Do you find yourself having lower expectations of them, worrying about stressing them out? Sometimes kids can internalize these low expectations and begin to think, well if my parents don't push me it must be because they really don't think I can do it, whatever the "it" is.

Or, on the other hand, do you have extremely high expectations, and anything less than almost perfect is not good enough. A number of my college students have described these kinds of expectations from parents. One of my students, having received a B+ on a major paper was devastated, and in tears worried that her father would be mad. He expected her to get all A's.

Sometimes in our effort to help move our children forward, we "over help." When they need to do volunteer work we find it for them, making calls to friends or colleagues that might take them on, or summer jobs we put out all the feelers to make that happen. We edit their papers, give them the topics they should pursue for big projects, or pay them for good grades to help motivate them. The problem with this kind of "help" especially in our current culture of instant gratification, is that our teens never learn to deal with the slog of the actual work it takes to live a life. "Alexa....am I right!!??" The pride kids feel after doing something they didn't think they could do is what drives us to want to challenge ourselves more. Recently I ordered an exercise bicycle from Amazon. It came in a million little pieces. As I laid it all out, I thought, well I'll never know what its like to sit on this bike! But somewhere down deep I said fuck it!!! I can do this.!And an hour later I was pedaling away. "I did it all by myself" and honestly I am still feeling the pride and glow of accomplishment.

I did some research to see how the Debolt kids in this special family fared as adults. All of them were living and working independently, most married with children and in loving relationships. Bob and Dorothy sold the family home in Southern California and retired to Northern California, wishing their  kids well in their successful, and independent lives.

I walked away from this movie with so many life lessons. But also seeing the damage that our present technological culture is reaping onto our children. This was 1973, no computers, or cellphones. Kids were outside in nature, playing and discovering. The house was full of music and art and creativity. Bob and Dorothy took time for each child individually, making each of them feel important and unique. They opened the doors to the world both physically and metaphorically and expected that their kids would master it...and they did


Also I'm  booking winter and spring zoom parenting seminars for schools, companies and community organizations. joani@joanigeltman.com for more info!

 I am always available for short term parent coaching by phone and zoom. So no matter where you live, I'm only a phone call away. contact me at joani@joanigeltman.com

Creating Empathy And Understanding

 In honor of Holocaust Remembrance day yesterday, I wrote this blog.

Recently there has been a rash of school related racist and anti-semitic incidents; football plays being named using holocaust language. Rascist and anti-semitic social media posts, and graffiti in bathrooms, and on school walls. The good news is that there is a long overdue heightened awareness and community involvement in addressing it. Does this mean that teens are racist, anti-Semitic? No!!

There is no excuse for these hurtful words and actions. It is the job of families, schools, and communities to teach and model compassion, and to help children understand the affects that words have. For every thing said, someone is affected. But just because teens say it, doesn’t mean that they believe it. And before we start putting detrimental life long labels on teens that may have acted without thinking, it’s important to understand where they’re coming from.

Research has shown that the teen brain is much more activated in the amygdala, (the feeling center) than in the frontal cortex, (the thinking center). This is why teens feel first and think later! The brain’s natural edit button, letting us know when to keep our thoughts to ourselves, is not yet fully operational. Teens can say and do things that can be hurtful and even dangerous. Just ask any parent of a teen!! 

Adding to this over-reactive and emotional brain is the hyper-self-consciousness that all teens feel. David Elkind, author of the book: All Grown Up and No Place To Go, calls this the “imaginary audience.” In adolescence, a new level of thinking emerges, resulting in a hyper-awareness of what other people are thinking about them. This results in the influence of peer pressure, and worry that not conforming to the group norm presented to them, might result in the dreaded exclusion and humiliation. This can cause teens to behave in ways contrary to what they know to be right. If your crowd at a school’s sporting event starts chanting, “You killed Jesus,”regardless of your own beliefs, the need to be invisible and a part of the crowd, can trump the measuring of right and wrong. Better to be bad than to be shunned! This is powerful stuff to a vulnerable teen.

Teens are also naturally self-centered, narcissistic, and egocentric due to this excess of emotion, and self-consciousness. (Don’t worry, they outgrow this) Often their ability to see and/or care about another person’s perspective no matter how much they have hurt, disrespected, and maybe even threatened them, can be clouded. 

And finally, as teens seek to develop their identity, they are bombarded with incoming new perceptions of the world. Certainly family and community are big influencers, as is the media. The presidential election, COVID mask and vaccine mandates,voting rights debate, are all perfect examples of highly emotional, name-calling, racial stereotyping, bullying, and physical altercations, sanctioned by adults! (So be careful how you talk about this at home.) All this is tailor made modeling for the drama teens crave. Most teens won’t read the full article in the Boston Globe, analyzing the intricacies of the political game, but instead will see the attention that bad behavior receives. Bring it on, consequences be damned!

So, a highly emotional brain; a hyper-sense of self-consciousness; a lack of experience in the world, developmental narcissism; impulsivity, a sense of invincibility, and a culture that loves bad behavior, that’s a loaded deck for a teen! As I say, these are not excuses, just explanations. Simply telling teens to be better, be kinder, respect differences, and then meting out consequences when boundaries are crossed, will alone not change behavior. What changes behavior, is to provide strategy and experience. Most teens stay close to what is familiar. So much of their life feels out of control; their brain, their body, their feelings, and their future, that they don’t venture much out of their comfort zone. Kids stake out their territory whether in the school cafeteria, or in their communities. This can make people who are different from them seem more threatening. 

So here is what you can do:

• Challenge teen’s thinking in stereotypes. Provide teens with structured opportunities to get to know people who differ from them. At the 22nd Annual Youth Congress, students suggested  “mix-it up dinners where students sit with “classmates they don’t know.” As a family, seek out experiences where your children can interact with people from all kinds of backgrounds and beliefs.

• Model inclusion. The adults in children’s lives are the most influential in transmitting values of acceptance. When I was a fresh out of grad school therapist, I was seeing a couple that were experiencing difficulty with their teen. In a predominately catholic town, their daughter had befriended a Jewish boy. The parents used phrases like “those Jews” in describing their worry about this relationship. With fear and anxiety about ruining my tenuous therapeutic connection, I timidly said, “I am one of “those Jews.”

• Anticipate and strategize: Help your teen to be prepared for situations that might challenge them. Because of their inexperience, many teens end up doing the wrong thing because they don’t know what else to.

  Adolescence is a messy stage. Teen behavior is layered. Good kids do bad things; caring and kind kids can be cruel and insensitive; and sensible and smart kids can beimpulsive and reckless. As teens move through this stage from childhood to adulthood,they are confronted with new feelings, new thoughts, and new impressions of their world.They are without precedent and experience and often react with emotion, not thought. But teens and adults alike share so many common, human experiences, regardless of class, race, religion, and sexual orientation. Let these be the bridge to mutual respect.

Building Resilience and Resourcefulness in Your Teen

 Parents, take this short quiz:

1. T  F  When my kid has a paper to write, I love when I, I mean when he/she gets a good grade.
2. T  F  When my teen is having a problem with a teacher, a friend, a coach or the other "parent" I love to provide the solution to make his/her life easier, and have them benefit from my experience.
3. T  F  When my teen is looking for a job, a summer program, or community service, I do everything I can to help by calling everyone I know.
4. T  F  Now that my teen is ready for the college process, I do all the research about the colleges, visits, and requirements, because I know how busy my teen is.
5. T  F  When my teen doesn't know how to do something, I love telling him/her how to do it, because I know they appreciate and expect my help.

So, how did you do?? If you even had one "T" you might unknowingly be preventing your teen from developing resourcefulness and resilience, two personality traits that are present in very successful adults. Getting straight "A"s", graduating at the top of the class, or even going to an Ivy League college is not what guarantees success in life.

Covid has drained most parents. Too many vaccines, too many tests, too many zoom calls, too many anxious and depressed kids, too many meals, too many whiny requests!! Sometimes it's just easier to do the easy thing, whatever that is, and the hell with it. I TOTALLY get that. You and your kids are just tired. But sometimes doing the harder thing leads to a longer term pay-off.

Most teens demand to be in charge of their social life, not wanting help from you at all. But when it comes to the parts of their life, they feel less confident in, they may demand your help. And what parents doesn't love it, when your teen asks for your help. It's like a drug. It may not happen often, but when it does, you are primed and ready for action. If feeds your need to feel like a competent and supportive parent, especially if your relationship with your teen has been going through a rocky spell. But what makes kids feel confident and competent is moving past frustration to success.

Think of it this way. Perhaps recently you bought a coffee table for your family room from IKEA. In the store the table looked pretty simple to put together; A few slabs of wood, some glass, a couple of screws and bolts...piece of cake!! Then you get the big brown box home, enthusiastically throw all the stuff on the floor, with the expectation you will have your beautiful table up and usable in an hour or so. 5 hours later, sweat pouring off your brow, swears emanating from your mouth, you kick the stupid wood, throw the screws against the wall, ready to "cry uncle". You get up, stomp around your house, curse IKEA and the directions that seem to be written for someone with a PHD in engineering, and then you get back down on the floor, and start again. And finally, because the only choice was to figure out how to put the damn table together, the table comes together, almost magically. And you stand up, puffed up with pride and look at your "baby". And every time a new person walks into your house, and they compliment you on your cool coffee table, you say proudly.. I put that table together. And honestly it feels as important to you as almost anything else you have accomplished in your life. And why is that? Is is because you persisted through your frustration, your feeling of incompetence and what felt like the impossible, to your ultimate success. It is a feeling you don't forget.

When you solve your teen's problems for them, even if they ask you too, when you give into their frustration because it feels unbearable to you, you take away the opportunity for them to have their IKEA moments. The ability to delay gratification, develop frustration tolerance, and figure it out,  is something that will follow them all the way through their life. Through relationships that go through hard times, to jobs that aren't working out the way they anticipated, money problems, housing issues, and their own ability to parent. An A in English will not be helpful in those situations. There is truly nothing more important to teach your teens than the ability to accept and deal with disappointment, and lord knows these last two years have been full of disappointments, and we have all had to change our expectations about what we have control over. So helping them to use their wiley skills to be in control of the things they can control is a gift!

So the next time they come to you for help, start first with a "so what do YOU think you should do? The process will take a lot longer, but when you can say to your teen, I am really proud of you,I know that was really hard for you to do, but you stuck with it, and "just look at your table!

Teens And Pot

 Teens and pot, not so good, Adults and pot, whatever turns you on. I have had a number of letters from parents recently worried about their teens use of pot. It seems that their teens have defended their use with a variety of rationalizations. Some of my favorites include; " I can think better, I can drive better, even the cops don't care, it relaxes me so I can concentrate better on my homework, you should be happy, at least I'm not drinking alcohol!" Unfortunately this is the drug talking. And thats the point, pot is all about distortion. That's what the 60's were all about, and why the lava lamp was invented! Today's pot however is nothing like the pot of my youth. Research shows that the amount of THC in boomer pot was 2-3%.Today's pot has 90% THC. That is a lot of high!!!!!  Luckily we adults who might want to indulge can go to a dispensary, describe the kind of hight we want and make an informed decision. They literally make pot now called Dad Grass, for people who want to get mellow without the high. Unfortunately not only do kids not have access to dispensaries, but most do not understand exactly what pot is, what's in it, or if it is safe....cause mostly they don't care, and probably would be to afraid to come to you for info cause they know you might not like to have a deep dive on the varieties of pot on the market. I mean would you?

Adolescence is all about new experiences and experimentation. It is a cruel law of nature that tempts teens to try all sorts of new things just at a time in their lives when their brain is engaging in a major growth spurt. Teens live in a world of what you see is what you get. With alcohol you see the fruits of your labor literally in the toilet bowl if you're lucky, otherwise in someone's car or basement. You worship the porcelain temple and then you pass out. With pot the effects are less obvious and more hidden. Pot gives you the illusion of feeling in control but what you're teen is missing is what is going on in the depths of their brain. As with all experimentation, some kids might try pot and see it as a treat every now and then, and others will begin to use more regularly. In either case it is important to talk with them about it.

A little science lesson here. There are receptors in the brain that just love THC, the chemical in pot. These receptors are connected to two very important parts of the brain. The Hippocampus, which is responsible for memory and learning, and the Cerebellum that controls balance and coordination. In short, regular use of pot can cause problems with thinking and problem solving (the hippocampus) and distorted perception of sight, sound and loss of motor coordination. (the cerebellum) So much for the driving rationale. Responding to lights, sound and reaction time are all distorted.

Pot is especially attractive to teens because it relaxes them, mellows out their stress, and if they are someone who struggles with anxiety, pot can be a wonderful new best friend. There is nothing more uncomfortable than feeling anxious, and once a teen who suffers with anxiety tries pot, a love affair begins.

Talking with your teen about pot requires finesse, and the power of understanding. Here is your I Get It moment. You can say to your teen" I get how pot would be attractive to you. I know you are stressed out, and it makes you feel relaxed and mellow. But here is what you don't know." At this point instead of sermonizing and lecturing, either read these articles to them or have them read it in your presence. 

https://teens.drugabuse.gov/drug-facts/marijuana

https://apple.news/AYoHPGDuaTGOZoK4SanxlSw

The first is a link to a very straight forward Q&A about pot. If you choose to lecture, your teen will think this is your opinion and probably just stop listening, thinking that they know more than you about this particular subject. So real science is always good in this situation. Now I am sure that you will get resistence here. And here is how you might handle this. " I am worried that you don't feel that pot affects your judgement, driving etc. You need to read this article and talk with me/us about it before we will allow you to drive our car. It is important to us that you have the facts here. If we see a change in your grades, or your ability to concentrate on getting your work done, we will have to drug test you every now and then. We love you and want to make sure that you don't unknowingly jeopardize your health and your future.

The second link talks about new medical/psychological/cognitive issues they are seeing as a result of the increased amounts of THC in today's pot. Really portent (haha) information.

PS: Sometimes you just need a phone call worth of  help!!! A situation with your has arisen and you're not sure how to handle it. This is why I created: A Quick Question.  This is a one session strategy session designed to give you the help you need when you need it. Call me at 781-910-1770 or email me at:

joani@joanigeltman.com to set up your consultation

Summertime And The Living Is Easy.....Or Not!

The pandemic is easing, and you are aching to "get out of dodge."  Trips to see family you haven't seen for a year, vacation spots you've been waiting to visit, and just getting out of your damn house and see something besides your yard and your local supermarket!! I get it!!!! But unfortunately just when you can see and taste freedom, what your teen maybe thinking is OMG I HAVE TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY FAMILY!!!!!!

When your teens were younger, the "family" vacation was mythical. Something to look forward to, something to get your kids though the winter doldrums and that last month of school when you can taste summer but can't experience it yet. Fast forward to the teen years, coupled with a year of "family togetherness, you may not get the enthusiasm you are hoping for! "We're going to the cape again....Europe!!!! who wants to spend my summer looking at churches and museums. Wah wah wah, I'll miss my friends."

First don't get hooked into that argument or come back with a "Do you know how lucky you are?" lecture. In this moment, being separated from friends, and possibly missing out on some amazing party, concert, or hang session is all they can focus out. You don't need to argue or convince, just listen, and then say " I get that this feels hard and I know that you're worried you might miss out on something fun." And then just stop there. You know they are going, and that this is not an optional trip. If you allow yourself to get hooked into an argument they will never stop hoping that if they wear you down, you'll leave them at home with a friend. Just let them vent.

In addition to the venting strategy, do try to include them in the planning. If they feel included in the decision-making you will get much less resistance. Maybe the dates aren't flexible but the what of the trip is still open to discussion. Maybe it's to visit family, or go to a vacation destination that you have been going to for years, or maybe you are lucky enough to travel to some exotic location. Make sure that the activities you choose to do where ever you go, take into account who each of your kids are, and their personal interests . If they love sports, then find a local soccer/tennis/ baseball game that might spark their interest. Or if they like amusement parks, or shopping malls, beaches, pools, zoos, you get the idea. Your idea of what to see and do, may be the antithesis of what they like to do. Ask them to look on the Internet for something in the location that they might like to do. Including them in the planning is a sign of respect. And respect leads to accommodation. Just don't expect smiles and gratitude. You'll get that in 10 years as they look back on their youth and tell you how amazing that trip was that you took when they were 16. As you think, OMG you were a pain in the ass on that trip. Now you tell me you had fun!!! Go figure!

Ps. I am available all summer for Parent Coaching. Before the little arguments get too big, schedule a one time only session and get a strategy that can diffuse a potentially explosive situation. ZOOM ME!!

Also booking now for school year 2021-22 seminars available to businesses, community groups, and schools and private parties! In person or on Zoom

Understanding Your Child’s Temperament and Personality

Strategies For The Future

 

 Is your child:

 

·      The adventurer

·      The lawyer

·      The child who always says no

·      The anxious/shy child

·      A combination of all 4

 

 This  seminar describes these personality styles and gives parents the strategies to bring out the best in their child both in the present and implications for their development from childhood through their teen years.

 

 Audience: Parents of all ages

 

Joani’s Top Ten Parenting Tips 

 

The secret to parenting is to keep it simple. Learn 10 simple, concrete practical tips useful in those daily moments of stress as a parent when you wish you had the "right thing to do and the right thing to say!

Audience: All ages

 

FOR PARENTS OF TEENS and PRETEENS

 

Adolescent Psychology: The Parent Version 

• Learn how the brain affects your teen’s behavior. It’s the battle of the thinking brain VS the feeling brain.

• Learn Effective strategies for arguing-The Four Ways Of Fighting.
• Develop effective strategies for keeping your teen safe as they explore the new world of teen life.
• Learn how to teen-proof your home and cell-proof your teen

 

Sexting. Texting and Social Networking: What’s A Parent To Do? 

• Understand how the “emotional brain” of a teen gets “turned on” by social networking.
• Understand how the “Imaginary Audience” influences your teen’s performing on social media.
• Learn which apps are safe and unsafe
• Learn strategies to monitor and set limits around phone and internet use
• Learn how your own behavior with phones and computers can positively and negatively influence your teen.

 

Drugs and Alcohol: How Does Your Teen’s Personality Style, and Your Parenting Style impact their experimentation with drugs and alcohol? 

• Identify your teen’s personality style and risk-factors with drugs and alcohol
• Identify your parenting style and how it influences your teen’s drug and alcohol use
• Learn effective strategies and scripts to keep your teen safe

 

College Bound:

• Understand the emotional journey of your college bound high school student
• Understand the emotional journey of a parent of college bound high school student
• Learn strategies for making this process successful and positive

 

With over 40 years of experience working with families, Joani's approach, using humor, storytelling and easy to use tools make the job of parenting just a little bit easier.

Joani Geltman MSW     781-910-1770    joanigeltman.com