My College Students Speak: I Wish My Parents .........

Back on November 8th I asked my 60 freshman college students to reflect on their life as  teens prior to college. I asked them to complete these two statements: I wish my parents had, and I am glad that my parents..... This semester I am teaching a human development class, and we are now studying Adolescent Development, and again I asked my 60 students to reflect on their high school years and complete the sentence: I wish my parents had...... After reading them all last night, I was struck at how similar their responses were to their peers. Rather then repeat the one the students shared back in November, I'm giving you some new ones.  After each statement, I've got something to say(in italics)!  Of course I do! I have narrowed them down to the 5 most frequent responses.

• I wish my parents knew how much I actually loved and respected them instead of taking my mistakes personally. Too often parents see themselves reflected in their kids, both in their triumphs, and in their downfalls.  Whatever your teen accomplishes or doesn't accomplish is on them!  If they do well it doesn't mean you are the greatest parent in the world, and if they fail, it doesn't mean you are the worst parent in the world. Cause guess what? It isn't always about you!    

• I wish my parents had understood how scared I was about my future in high school, and the pressure I felt to succeed.  I know how worried parents get about their teens future. Your teens feel your worry, and your disappointment. Layered on that is their own worry and disappointment when they don't do as well as they want, even when they know it's their own fault.  When they are worried and scared and disappointed, it often shows itself with anger and attitude. That is much easier to express then shame and doubt. Try to see through it!    

• I wish my parents hadn't compared me with my other siblings, and pressured me to meet their high standards. We are not the same. Another student said on the same topic: I wish my parents understood that I am not following in my brother's footsteps. I 'm not going to do everything like him. I am going to make my own mistakes. All children are not created equal. You may think that you treat all your kids equally, but those kids who don't measure up to what they believe the family standard is may always feel not good enough unless you make a supreme effort to make them think otherwise.    

• I wish my parents had understood how their divorce effects me today. They tried to drag me in the middle, and I always felt I had to fend for myself. Families face all kinds of crisis.  Divorce, chronic illness, financial worries, moves away from friends, all manner of life events. Teens are resilient, they can handle alot, but they need the adults in their life to have realistic expectations. When you are overwhelmed with your stress it can overshadow what your kids might be experiencing. They are not good at talking about it, and it may look as if they have it all under control. Trust me, they don't!   

• I wish my parents had been more aware of the mistakes I was making in high school by paying more attention and helping me. and another student:I wish my parents had been more aware of my relationship so I had someone to talk to when things got physical and bad. and another student: I wish my parents had understood I wanted them to push me harder through school/soccer. and another student: I wish my parents had pushed me to try new things, ie sports, clubs,  or summer camp. and another student: I wish my parents had pushed me more to want to get better grades, and to care more about school work. and another student: I wish my parents had taught me better homework study habits and were more involved academically. I could go on here, there are many more statements on this theme. I bet what these students are saying is surprising. Because  I'm sure every time you go into your teen's room to make sure they are doing their homework, they give you the evil eye. Well guess what, when they get to college and no one is giving them the evil eye they often don't get their work done. Don't stop bugging them, just cause they tell you to. They need you to help them integrate good study habits.  Too much facebook, too much texting, too much distraction. They also want you to push them a little harder to help them find something that will give them a feeling of accomplishment, especially if it isn't school. Don't let them off  the hook easily when it comes to after-school expectations. Sometimes it's not that they don't want to do anything, they just can't figure out what the something should be. Bottom line, though they tell you to get out of their lives, they don't really mean it. 

Have You Heard About "The Cinnamon Challenge"? You Need To!

Did you know that the latest youtube sensation is for teens to video themselves trying to swallow a tablespoon of cinnamon without choking or throwing up. So fun...right?  Except if you are the kids that aspirated the cinnamon and end up hospitalized with damaged lungs and a lifetime of needing an inhaler.

OyVey, trying to keep up with the latest trend is a full-time job. This is the new party game. Add alcohol and pot to the mix and you have a very dangerous situation. OK so we know that teens are up for anything, and what in the world could be harmful about cinnamon, a spice that is associated with cozy afternoons of cinnamon toast, cinnamon and sugar and apples, sigh, such wonderful childhood memories. Not a negative association to be found. But cinnamon is not meant to be eaten on a spoon. It is meant to be sprinkled and diluted. Try telling that to a teen who sees other teens taking this challenge on youtube and who are rewarded by thousands of hits. "I'm famous!!!!!" This seems like such a simple way to get attention. "If more is better, I'll try to swallow two tablespoons, or more, it will be outrageous, and of course the more outrageous the better!" That is what is driving this challenge, whether on youtube, or at a weekend party or sleepover with friends.

You gotta talk to your kids about this. This seems like a dare that most kids would take on. Why not? It's not drugs, it's not alcohol, it's just a familiar, safe, everyday spice. But it can be dangerous. Go on youtube with your kids, and keyword, cinnamon challenge. As you watch the teens choking and coughing, explain what happens to a lung when someone takes something in that doesn't belong there. The lung can collapse, and an infection gets in. Not something you can control when those fine cinnamon particles start to clog the airway.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdM_u5y5m5A.
This link is a perfect example to watch with your kids.

 Remember just saying: "don't do it" is not a strategy. Here is your "I Get It" moment: " Hey honey, I get that this cinnamon challenge thing might present itself to you at some point, if it already hasn't. I get that it looks funny, to see what happens when people don't get the cinnamon down, and that your friends might dare you to try it. You don't have to get all preachy with them, but like I said this is really dangerous, you can say" I have asthma, this would be the kiss of death for me, literally!!!", or " I'll just puke, and I hate puking, so no way! or " hey I heard some girl almost died doing this, it's not THAT important, I am totally not in!" Help them to come up with a plan, so when this does come up they will be prepared with an out. I'm not saying you have to lock up your cinnamon now along with your alcohol, but can you put it behind a tall bottle in your cabinet!

Smoking Can Be Hazardous To Your Health

I am easy prey on the Internet. Whenever I open my AOL account to check my e-mail, which is a gazillion times a day, I see what "news" is on the home page. Because I can be a shallow person, I am immediately attracted to the "train wreck" stories about some celebrity or another. Today I read a story about Madonna's 15 year daughter Lourdes who was photographed smoking some cigs with her New York friends. They captured the light up, and the first draw of the cigarette, in addition to commenting on her "fabulous" outfit. I feel really bad for any celebrity's children's who are not afforded the privacy that other kids get to have when they are sneaking cigarette smoking from their parents. But that's not what interested me particularly when I saw this picture.

I immediately began reminiscing about my own teen bout with smoking when I was 13 which continued until I was 21, when I started hating the smell of tobacco on my hands, hair and clothes. Pretty much all my friends started smoking in their teens as well, and continued well into adulthood when the health scares of smoking really hit the airways. When our parents "caught" us smoking, none of them were concerned with the health problems of smoking, after all this was the 1960's and all of our parents were smokers. Instead the argument against smoking, and drinking for that matter, was that it "degraded" the way you looked to the public. No parent wanted his/her kids to look like "juvenile delinquents" and smoking and drinking cast a bad light on '"the family." Well, isn't that exactly what teens want to do? Look and act as completely opposite to your parents as you can. So telling us we looked like juvenile delinquents was a motivator not a detractor. Now had they shown us pictures of diseased lungs, and damaged brains, maybe we would have reconsidered our behavior.

Seeing this picture of Lourdes smoking cigarettes sparked the "oh this poor kid is gonna get addicted to cigarettes and she is only 15, we have to help her" response. Her lungs will be black before she is 20! So much of what we fear for our children now, is the reality of how dangerous these teen "rites of passages" truly are. Yes kids will be kids, and teens will be teens, but now we have so much more information about the temptations of the teenage years, and want so much to keep our teens safe.

Seeing Lourdes smoking reminded me of how important it is for kids to have the graphic, emotionally laden information about the real dangers of smoking, drinking, and all manner of drugs, be they prescription or illegal. Rather than the lecture of how bad this stuff is, share photos, stories, and statistics like those I wrote in last weeks blog on alcohol's effect on the brain. Telling your kids its 'wrong" to do this stuff is actually encouraging, sharing your own fears for their safety will hopefully do the opposite.

Facebook: A Window Into Depression

Teens get stressed, teens get depressed. It is hard to find any teen these days that hasn't had their moment of darkness. It is for these issues, that facebook can be the good friend, who listens without judgement, and gives support without necessarily asking for it. Sometimes it is just too hard to let people know how you feel face to face. It can be embarrassing and unpredictable. Maybe a teen shares something with a friend and is looking for a little TLC, but instead gets sarcasm, or worse, gets ignored. Teens are by nature self-centered, and often clueless to the pain someone else might be in. Empathy takes practice, and teens can be very inexperienced in this area. Hello facebook! Here is a place you can air your gripes with the world, faceless, and with a thumbs up "like" you can feel less alone with your darkness and anxiety.

The article copied below discusses how parents might use their teen's facebook wall as a mirror into what their teen might be dealing with. As parents you can also teach your teen how to look for clues in posts of their friends that worry them. And for these two purposes I think this is a very useful article.

All teens like to bitch and moan, so getting freaked out by a comment here or there that your teen posts about hating the world, probably is not of real concern, just a venting moment. But if there seems to be a pattern to the posts that reek of sadness and depression, it can be a useful tool in talking to your teen. Perhaps a " I've noticed your posts sound a bit gloom and doom lately, what's going on?" will open a conversation.

 Letting your teens know that if they ever have a friend who is posting some pretty down in the dumps wall posts, and feel genuine concern for their friends safety, there is a facebook protocol that will get their friend some help. Next to every wall post is a drop down menu to the right. There is a report button. It can be used for harassment issues and also suicide worries. It is a great way for teens who want to help their friends anonymously can get them some help.

Facebook can be a time waster, a friend maker, an entertainer, and also a diagnostician. Looking at someone's posts as a whole can be a mirror into the soul.
 http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/24/us/facebook-posts-can-offer-clues-of-depression.html?h

Some Interesting Teen Alcohol Use Statistics

I found a crumpled up article cleaning up my briefcase yesterday that I had saved so that I could write about it. It's from a Wall Street Article from last March entitled: " Dad, I prefer the Shiraz. Do parents who serve teens beer and wine raise responsible drinkers." The simple answer is no. But here are some statistics that might surprise you.

• Teens who attended a party where alcohol was supplied by a parent were twice as likely to be regular drinkers,  and twice as likely to be binge drinkers.

• In southern European countries like France and Italy, and in Denmark, Ireland and the UK where there is no drinking age limit, statistics show that 15 and 16 year olds are more likely to engage in binge drinking. (There goes the argument that if the drinking age was lowered, kids would drink more responsibly)

• Brain scans have show that heavy drinking, 20 drinks a month, (Doing the math if kids drink on both Friday and Saturday nights doing only 3 shots a night, which is a very conservative number,  could easily reach this 20 drinks/month number) " create changes in the the frontal cortex, the hippocampus and white matter leading to decreased cognitive function, memory, attention, and spatial skills."

• "44% of 7,723 High School students surveyed, report that hard liquor is the preferred choice of drink, beer was a distant second, and wine coolers an even more distant 3rd. 

This is important information for not only you to have, but for your teen has as well. The bottom line is that teens have magical thinking. "The, what's the big deal, everybody does it" argument is the prevailing rationalization for teens, and for some parents I might add. Teens are not good in the moderation department. If a little is good, then more must be better. They need you to give them the facts. See above! Have them do their own math, privately. Ask them to think about how much they drink on a given weekend night, and multiply that by 8. Is that number close to the 20 drinks a month that can change their brain forever. Ask them how important their future is to them, grades, SATS , college. If these are important goals they might want to change their drinking behaviors.

The bottom line is most kids drink, and many parents have no idea how much their kids do drink. They may start early in the day/evening, so they can sober up before they get home. They may be serial weekend sleepover teens, and choose houses to stay at where parents are already asleep and tucked away by the time teens get home after an evening of partying, and drinking can go undetected.

You can't control whether your teens make good decisions when they go out, but you can provide them with all the information they need to make the decisions, and strategies for them to stay safe. Teens are drinking in ways that can be scary. They buy water bottles full of vodka from friends for $10 a pop. That's a lot of ounces of booze, but they drink it like "water" chased with some diet coke!

A conversation might go like this: " I get that when the weekends come you and your friends are ready to party. I worry about that cause I know most of you don't think about the dangers, just the fun. I need you to know some facts that I think will be important to you and your future. Did you know that drinking 20 shots/month will literally change your brain, making it harder for you to concentrate, remember things, and be organized. I know you want to be successful in life, and this kind of drinking will make it much harder for you. Go do the math!"

Your teen needs these kinds of conversations on a regular basis. Not only are they risking their potential success in life, but also their emotional health. A parent called me this week to relate this story. Her 16 year daughter was out partying with friends, got really trashed and ended up having sex with a random boy for the first time in some family's bathroom. The mom overheard this through her daughter's door as she sobbed to a friend over the phone that she had lost her virginity in a drunken stupor.

Talking about losing control and defenses, and doing things that later will make them feel ashamed, and humiliated are important conversations to have with your teen. Ask this 16 year old.

Remember, that your teen needs your help with weekend strategies. Just telling them these facts does not help them in the heat of the moment. Helping them to come up with scripts, and action strategies for party going is the only way they can be prepared for all the temptation that will come their way.

Looking Forward...It gets so much better

Just came back from spending a week with my twenty something daughter in LA. It was such a special and wonderful week, that I wanted to let you know what is coming down the pike with your now teens. Though some days it might feel like you are stuck in the hamster wheel, repeating the same words and lectures over and over. Picking up the same pair of socks, sneaks, and sports equipment day after day no matter how many times you remind your teen to do it. Reminding your teen to do homework, get to bed on time, get up on time, it all gets to be too much sometime. So I thought I would tell you what you have to look forward to, help you see the forest through the trees.

Your teen will eventually:

• Have a place of residence that they feel proud of and take care of.  A place that communicates who they are, and what is important to them. It may be a place that is full up of all the values that you are teaching them now but that you don't think they get. Oh they get it!

• Incorporate into their lives what you practiced in your life, spirituality, love of music, books, friends, food, exercise, passion for work and play, and of course family.

• Share their work life with you, share their friends with you, share their passions with you. Thank you for doing and giving all you did to help bring them to this time in their life.

•  Make you so proud of the adult they have become, that you burst with love and anticipation for the many years you have now to share with your son and daughter. 

Here are the things that you can teach them now so that can get to this place later:

• Self Awareness: What are the feelings that can push my buttons and the behaviors that can sabotage my success.

• Taking responsibility: What can I do to take responsibility for my decisions and my actions.  

• Be independent: Develop confidence in my ability to do for myself whether in thought or in action.   

Your job now is to give your teen the opportunities to practice. Doing for, and protecting them from, will not help them to become the self-aware, responsible and independent adults they all have the capacity to become.

Quick Tip #3

Have a family "shut down" hour where the wireless is shut down, phones are shut down and either have a "read in" or watch a favorite TV show together, or have a nice dinner, or even dessert time. Buy a special dessert on your way home from work, something that would surprise your kids and make that a hang time.