I opened the Boston Globe this morning to a front page story headline, "Girls accused of hazing suspended from soccer game."The story describes this suburban town's high school girls varsity soccer team tradition of initiating and welcoming the freshman girls by having the senior girls lead them around the soccer field blindfolded on a dog leash, and ending with some sort of whipped pie in the face. The uproar in the town seems to be less about the hazing and more that the team lost the regional championship because of these senior girls suspension from playing in this championship game. Whew, did you get all that?
The high school apparently has an iron-clad no-hazing rule, but the parents of the suspended girls felt the rule had not been fully articulated to the girls, and thus the girls shouldn't be held accountable with such a severe punishment of disallowing them to play in this important game. The litigation gloves came out, and one of the dad/lawyers filed a restraining order against the high school principal, and the athletic director of the town. Really, a restraining order, talk about blaming the victim here. So it's not the blindfolded girls who were made to roll around a muddy cold field on a leash, and then have pie thrown in their faces who are the victims, it is the senior girls, on their way to college soccer scholarships who need this game to impress the college coaches and now can't play because they broke a rule they sorta kinda didn't really know about.
Oy, what a mess. What is a parent to do in this situation? The parents of the hazed girls I'm guessing are furious. Who is watching out for their girls, where was the coach when this was going on, is there an adult in charge?? All questions I'm sure the principal of the school was hammered with by these parents. Then the parents of the suspended girls; their girls made a mistake, no one was hurt (of course hurt by humiliation is usually carried around on the inside not the outside, so how would they know?), they didn't know they weren't supposed to do this, and missing the most important game of their soccer career in high school, is just too too much, I am sure they opined.
True, the adults should have made absolutely clear all the students understood this no-hazing rule. If it is just in a handbook, my guess is most kids and parents never open that book and perhaps a signed pledge of no-hazing should be signed by all students prior to playing any sports. But what I am thinking is that these senior girls did kinda sorta know about this rule, and that some of their parents had kinda sorta heard their girls talking and planning for this hazing event. I'm guessing this whole event occurred under cover of darkness, which in itself implies guilt, because otherwise they would have done it in the light of day, after school, people milling around to cheer them on.
We all love a good right of passage. I love birthdays, bat mitzvah, confirmations, the first day of school, etc. School life is full of them, award ceremonies, graduations, and I guess in the past, hazing and initiation rituals. Being a senior in high school is a year full of long awaited, "its finally my turn". Maybe you finally get that speaking role in the school play that you have been in for 4 years usually lost in the crowd scenes while seniors got all the good parts, or maybe its the school council, you finally get to be president, or yes maybe that sports team, and the memory of your own freshman year being the leashed dog. But this year, this is my year, and I kinda sorta know we shouldn't do this, but its not fair, I deserve to have my chance, and besides its fun!
I get that these girls were creating their last set of soccer memories, and the powerful drive to "finish the job" Often that drive to "do it anyway" regardless of consequences is what gets our teens into trouble. That emotional surge of excitement and awesomeness completely overrides reason and sanity. And in this climate of bullying these girls should have know better, and probably did, but just couldn't give up their own idea of creating memory.
Lessons in life are hard and painful, but from them come growth. If we rescue our kids from these lessons, even if as parents we do not agree with outcomes, we don't give our kids the opportunity to grow. In this case, there was a rule, it was in a book given to students and parents. If kids and parents CHOOSE not to read the book and talk about it then that's their choice. But when the kids CHOOSE to participate in an activity and it doesn't have the outcome they expected, there is a consequence. As lawyers tell us....always read the fine print.
Now can we focus on the girls who really need our attention?
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
the sleepover streaker
I love the parent who told me this story. She and her husband are involved and engaged parents of three children, all teens. The moral of this particular story is that good kids of good parents from good communities do stupid things. So for parents who think, not my kid, not my kid's friends, this is for you.
These parents host a sleepover for five 12-year-old boys. Already she is a saint in my book. She and her husband stay up as long as humanly possible given how exhausted they are, go off to bed, hoping and praying the boys at the worst will be looking up porn on the Internet. While the parents were snug and asleep a few floors away a different scenario was brewing. This story was relayed to the parent the next day by a gutsy college student they have living with them. Apparently a dare was put on the table that someone strip down naked and streak down a very main drag of this suburban community. It was 1:30 AM. The reward for the volunteer streaker would be a pay day of $5 per boy, yielding a grand total of $20! I guess a good thing is that kids still see value in $20 these days. The boy who stepped up to the plate was the sleepover host. So all the boys sneak out of the house, which actually is not that hard since all you need to do is open the door and walk out. They meander over to the main road, and let the streaker loose. And that was that. No sirens, no drama, no front page story about a scandalous episode of teenage streaking, just a bunch of kids walking the streets late at night four of them clothed, one naked.
So what's the problem? No one was hurt, nothing bad happened, and a story that will live on through many high school reunions was born. Exactly, that night nothing happened. Whew!!! Hear the parental sigh of relief, because of course as adults we are thinking about everything that could have happened. At the least a potential arrest by the local police and subsequent embarrassing notice in the local newspaper's weekly police beat; or at the worst a crazy driver, or a group of kids out driving late, or a child predator just happens along at the streaking hour and grabs the kid. Or and this is an important one, if these kids had not gotten caught, they would have learned an important lesson. Its easy to get away with stuff during sleepovers! Today it was streaking, but once the "wow, that was easy" sets in, the sky is the limit. Because we know that teens are impulsive, risk-seeking, and fun-loving, as they get older and the drive for fun gets stronger, the ante goes up to sneaking and drinking, sneaking and sex, sneaking and leaving to party, and so on, and the danger and safety factor also increases.
Of course, when mom and dad uncovered this sleepover streaker caper, they were furious, and incredulous, screaming the parent mantra of "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" And here in lies the problem, THEY WERE NOT THINKING! What we call sequential thinking , the ability to think in steps and consequences does not come naturally to teens. That frontal cortex that is responsible for that work is not fully built. So in the war between the emotional center of the brain (which is in very high activation in the teen years and is screaming "this will be awesome") and the thinking center of the brain (maybe something bad will happen) ...awesome wins out.
Here is the takeaway from this story. First and most obvious is supervision during sleepovers. Staying up till midnight, and thinking the worst is over, is just naive. Go to bed when you need to, but make sure you set your alarm for 90 minute intervals, and step into the fray that is the sleepover. You tell the kids in advance:"Hey guys, I just want to let you know that I am an insomniac, can't sleep, up and down the stairs all night long, trying to tire myself out, I hope I won't disturb you. Believe me they will get the message. And that gives your kid an out when another kid(of course not your kid) starts to hatch a plan. He/she can simply say, we can't my mom or my dad are up all the time and they'll catch us.
These parents host a sleepover for five 12-year-old boys. Already she is a saint in my book. She and her husband stay up as long as humanly possible given how exhausted they are, go off to bed, hoping and praying the boys at the worst will be looking up porn on the Internet. While the parents were snug and asleep a few floors away a different scenario was brewing. This story was relayed to the parent the next day by a gutsy college student they have living with them. Apparently a dare was put on the table that someone strip down naked and streak down a very main drag of this suburban community. It was 1:30 AM. The reward for the volunteer streaker would be a pay day of $5 per boy, yielding a grand total of $20! I guess a good thing is that kids still see value in $20 these days. The boy who stepped up to the plate was the sleepover host. So all the boys sneak out of the house, which actually is not that hard since all you need to do is open the door and walk out. They meander over to the main road, and let the streaker loose. And that was that. No sirens, no drama, no front page story about a scandalous episode of teenage streaking, just a bunch of kids walking the streets late at night four of them clothed, one naked.
So what's the problem? No one was hurt, nothing bad happened, and a story that will live on through many high school reunions was born. Exactly, that night nothing happened. Whew!!! Hear the parental sigh of relief, because of course as adults we are thinking about everything that could have happened. At the least a potential arrest by the local police and subsequent embarrassing notice in the local newspaper's weekly police beat; or at the worst a crazy driver, or a group of kids out driving late, or a child predator just happens along at the streaking hour and grabs the kid. Or and this is an important one, if these kids had not gotten caught, they would have learned an important lesson. Its easy to get away with stuff during sleepovers! Today it was streaking, but once the "wow, that was easy" sets in, the sky is the limit. Because we know that teens are impulsive, risk-seeking, and fun-loving, as they get older and the drive for fun gets stronger, the ante goes up to sneaking and drinking, sneaking and sex, sneaking and leaving to party, and so on, and the danger and safety factor also increases.
Of course, when mom and dad uncovered this sleepover streaker caper, they were furious, and incredulous, screaming the parent mantra of "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" And here in lies the problem, THEY WERE NOT THINKING! What we call sequential thinking , the ability to think in steps and consequences does not come naturally to teens. That frontal cortex that is responsible for that work is not fully built. So in the war between the emotional center of the brain (which is in very high activation in the teen years and is screaming "this will be awesome") and the thinking center of the brain (maybe something bad will happen) ...awesome wins out.
Here is the takeaway from this story. First and most obvious is supervision during sleepovers. Staying up till midnight, and thinking the worst is over, is just naive. Go to bed when you need to, but make sure you set your alarm for 90 minute intervals, and step into the fray that is the sleepover. You tell the kids in advance:"Hey guys, I just want to let you know that I am an insomniac, can't sleep, up and down the stairs all night long, trying to tire myself out, I hope I won't disturb you. Believe me they will get the message. And that gives your kid an out when another kid(of course not your kid) starts to hatch a plan. He/she can simply say, we can't my mom or my dad are up all the time and they'll catch us.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Lessons from a funeral
I went to a funeral on Saturday. This might sound weird, but I actually like funerals. This particular man who's life was being celebrated and memorialized was an amazing person. As I listened and cried hearing all the special stories that made this guy who he was, I left with a number of lessons about life that I know was his legacy to us all.
I knew Joe as the father of one of my daughter's childhood friends, though I hadn't seen him for almost 14 years. Because my daughter had spent a good deal of time with this family I had visceral memories of this guy. He was funny, so sweet to his kids friends, coached his children's sports teams, was an inspirational physician, researcher, and medical school professor. I remember being struck at how he kept up with it all, no kvetching, no martyrdom, just had such a zest for life. Everyone loved him.
At the funeral, his 3 children, now all twenty-somethings, all spoke about the model he had provided to them about how to live life. Now 23, 27 and 30 these adults shared stories and anecdotes about who their dad was, and how the experience of having him as their dad had impacted and influenced who they are today. And may I say, all three kids are spectacular.
One of the most moving stories was shared by Joe's nephew, now a thirty-something with a child of his own. Apparently this nephew had lost his own dad as a young child, and Joe stepped up to the plate and became more than just his uncle, but a father figure. At the service this young man told two stories about how his uncle literally changed his life. Here is the first. As a 17 year old, this nephew and his mom lived in a house next to an investment property owned by Joe. Joe decided it was time to sell this property, and decided to entrust this teenager, this senior in high school, with the job of getting it sold. Together they did whatever work the house needed to get it ready for market, and then Joe turned it over to this young whippersnapper, promising that he would give him the same commission he would have given a realtor. This was no insignificant amount of money. Can you imagine, a 17 year old handling the sale of a house? Handle it he did, and the money he earned from that commission paid for a good deal of his college tuition for the next 4 years. Can you imagine how the unconditional belief that "I know you can handle this" played to a 17 year about to embark on the next stage of life? Risk is scary, but from risk there is growth. I am a competent, responsible and motivated person, and I will get it done.
Story 2: This competent young man graduates from college, ready to tackle the investment world as a career. Uncle Joe, wanting to give him some experience says, here is one of my stock portfolios, I would like you to manage this for me. Imagine, this is a 22 year old kid, right out of college, with theoretical investment experience gained from textbook case studies, but any experience with real money...nope.
Apparently this was no small amount of cash, and the word Joe's nephew used to describe this amount was "consequential." Again this young man rose to the occasion, and managed this money with aplomb. Amazing!
Through halting speech, and quiet tears, this young man spoke of the all the gifts his uncle Joe had given him. Like Joe's kids, being shown the model of how to lead a meaningful, exciting and loving life was priceless, but more importantly, his uncle allowed him to take on the kinds of responsibilities that promote true growth and maturity. The kinds of things we don't think we can do, but when someone who cares about us says " you can do this and you will do this" can change who we think we are and who we think we can become forever.
As parents of teenagers, we often want to protect our kids from stress, and offer to "help" them out in order to reduce their loads. We want them to clean their rooms, take their dishes to the sink, do their laundry all in the name of teaching responsibility. But when it comes to the big stuff, we edit their papers, contact everyone we know to find them internships or summer jobs, download all the stuff they need to apply to colleges, and keep track on spread sheets of all the data and deadlines needed to complete their applications on a timely basis. I say forget teaching the responsibility of cleanliness and dish-washing, believe me they will figure that out on their own when there is no one else to do it, and instead give them the gift of "I believe in your competence " that Joe gave his nephew, and make it their job to rise to the occasion. " I can and I will find a summer job or an internship, or finish my college applications, or edit my papers, etc etc etc.
The second big lesson I think we all walked away with on Saturday is the power of modeling. Joe didn't lecture about taking on responsibility or taking on challenges and risks or finding new passions, he showed them not told them. The most important gift we give our children is the gift of our own life. If we spend to much time worrying about their life, and how they live it, than we forget about living our own life and the power of example. Our kids don't remember the lectures, they remember the memories of watching mom and dad work hard at a job or volunteering at the school fair, or helping out a family or friend or neighbor in need, or deciding to run a race for the first time and cheering mom on at the finish line. It is what we do not what we say that matters.
I knew Joe as the father of one of my daughter's childhood friends, though I hadn't seen him for almost 14 years. Because my daughter had spent a good deal of time with this family I had visceral memories of this guy. He was funny, so sweet to his kids friends, coached his children's sports teams, was an inspirational physician, researcher, and medical school professor. I remember being struck at how he kept up with it all, no kvetching, no martyrdom, just had such a zest for life. Everyone loved him.
At the funeral, his 3 children, now all twenty-somethings, all spoke about the model he had provided to them about how to live life. Now 23, 27 and 30 these adults shared stories and anecdotes about who their dad was, and how the experience of having him as their dad had impacted and influenced who they are today. And may I say, all three kids are spectacular.
One of the most moving stories was shared by Joe's nephew, now a thirty-something with a child of his own. Apparently this nephew had lost his own dad as a young child, and Joe stepped up to the plate and became more than just his uncle, but a father figure. At the service this young man told two stories about how his uncle literally changed his life. Here is the first. As a 17 year old, this nephew and his mom lived in a house next to an investment property owned by Joe. Joe decided it was time to sell this property, and decided to entrust this teenager, this senior in high school, with the job of getting it sold. Together they did whatever work the house needed to get it ready for market, and then Joe turned it over to this young whippersnapper, promising that he would give him the same commission he would have given a realtor. This was no insignificant amount of money. Can you imagine, a 17 year old handling the sale of a house? Handle it he did, and the money he earned from that commission paid for a good deal of his college tuition for the next 4 years. Can you imagine how the unconditional belief that "I know you can handle this" played to a 17 year about to embark on the next stage of life? Risk is scary, but from risk there is growth. I am a competent, responsible and motivated person, and I will get it done.
Story 2: This competent young man graduates from college, ready to tackle the investment world as a career. Uncle Joe, wanting to give him some experience says, here is one of my stock portfolios, I would like you to manage this for me. Imagine, this is a 22 year old kid, right out of college, with theoretical investment experience gained from textbook case studies, but any experience with real money...nope.
Apparently this was no small amount of cash, and the word Joe's nephew used to describe this amount was "consequential." Again this young man rose to the occasion, and managed this money with aplomb. Amazing!
Through halting speech, and quiet tears, this young man spoke of the all the gifts his uncle Joe had given him. Like Joe's kids, being shown the model of how to lead a meaningful, exciting and loving life was priceless, but more importantly, his uncle allowed him to take on the kinds of responsibilities that promote true growth and maturity. The kinds of things we don't think we can do, but when someone who cares about us says " you can do this and you will do this" can change who we think we are and who we think we can become forever.
As parents of teenagers, we often want to protect our kids from stress, and offer to "help" them out in order to reduce their loads. We want them to clean their rooms, take their dishes to the sink, do their laundry all in the name of teaching responsibility. But when it comes to the big stuff, we edit their papers, contact everyone we know to find them internships or summer jobs, download all the stuff they need to apply to colleges, and keep track on spread sheets of all the data and deadlines needed to complete their applications on a timely basis. I say forget teaching the responsibility of cleanliness and dish-washing, believe me they will figure that out on their own when there is no one else to do it, and instead give them the gift of "I believe in your competence " that Joe gave his nephew, and make it their job to rise to the occasion. " I can and I will find a summer job or an internship, or finish my college applications, or edit my papers, etc etc etc.
The second big lesson I think we all walked away with on Saturday is the power of modeling. Joe didn't lecture about taking on responsibility or taking on challenges and risks or finding new passions, he showed them not told them. The most important gift we give our children is the gift of our own life. If we spend to much time worrying about their life, and how they live it, than we forget about living our own life and the power of example. Our kids don't remember the lectures, they remember the memories of watching mom and dad work hard at a job or volunteering at the school fair, or helping out a family or friend or neighbor in need, or deciding to run a race for the first time and cheering mom on at the finish line. It is what we do not what we say that matters.
Friday, November 5, 2010
The Real World
Yesterday I showed a documentary to my Child Development class called "I Am Promise" about an urban elementary school in Philadelphia. It was not one of those uplifting, inspirational, lifting oneself out of poverty kind of films. It was a peek through your fingers, is the world really like this, thank god I don't live there kind of movie. It was full of graffiti splashed abandoned buildings, crack heads on the corners, indifferent and abusive parents, and overwhelmed and overworked teachers on the verge of giving up. I wanted my students to see how poverty and indifference affect children's lives.
My students (mostly college freshman, and middle and upper class) are good kids, but not always the most attentive and active students, sometimes dozing off, doodling and staring into blank space after a hard night of partying. Needless to say, I had low expectations for a spirited discussion following the film. But surprisingly as I looked around the room in the semi-darkness, expecting drool on the desk and drooping heads, I saw instead rapt attention. And when I started the discussion by going around to each of my 30 students asking for an adjective to describe their feelings about this community and these kids, I was startled by their sensitivity, and emotional responses. They were hooked by real life, not the movie version of poverty, but what poverty really feels and sounds like, and it startled them, and shocked them, and caused them to pause and actually think about the world outside their protected universe. As the students walked out of class, somber and thoughtful, many stopped by my desk to thank me for showing this film, and for opening their eyes to the "real world". It was a good day.
I was reminded again of the potential our teens have for reflection, and thoughtfulness. It is so easy to label our teens as superficial, mindless, and insensitive to others, because so often that is what they give us. But underneath those designer clothes and ear buds are multi-layered human beings full of new feelings, new thoughts and new ideas not yet expressed either to themselves or others. I think my students surprised themselves yesterday with their own reactions and deep thoughts.
So the work here is to find something that taps into this developing teen that helps them to articulate this new ability to think deeply and thoughtfully. Just asking "so what do you think about...." usually elicits an "I dunno" kind of answer. In my students case, it was realizing that what they were seeing was real not a Hollywood version. These were real kids, real crack heads, real parents. Now you can understand the appeal of reality shows like Jersey Shore. Here's a suggestion, there is a wonderful documentary called "An American Teen" not to be confused with the TV show The Secret Life of Teens.( I know netflix and most libraries have this film) This documentary is a year in the life of 5 students from a large midwestern high school. Each of these students has their public persona, what their parents see, what their friends see, and then the movie allows us to also see their private side, their agony and their ecstasy. The things that happen to these kids are the things that happen to your kids, but maybe they can't tell you about. Watching this movie together about these real kids might give you an opening to find out what your kids are really thinking and feeling, without asking directly. Here is an opportunity. The key here is to share your thoughts and feelings as well, in a truthful non-lecturing way. Let this film move you, as it will move your kids, and share a feeling not a lesson.
My students (mostly college freshman, and middle and upper class) are good kids, but not always the most attentive and active students, sometimes dozing off, doodling and staring into blank space after a hard night of partying. Needless to say, I had low expectations for a spirited discussion following the film. But surprisingly as I looked around the room in the semi-darkness, expecting drool on the desk and drooping heads, I saw instead rapt attention. And when I started the discussion by going around to each of my 30 students asking for an adjective to describe their feelings about this community and these kids, I was startled by their sensitivity, and emotional responses. They were hooked by real life, not the movie version of poverty, but what poverty really feels and sounds like, and it startled them, and shocked them, and caused them to pause and actually think about the world outside their protected universe. As the students walked out of class, somber and thoughtful, many stopped by my desk to thank me for showing this film, and for opening their eyes to the "real world". It was a good day.
I was reminded again of the potential our teens have for reflection, and thoughtfulness. It is so easy to label our teens as superficial, mindless, and insensitive to others, because so often that is what they give us. But underneath those designer clothes and ear buds are multi-layered human beings full of new feelings, new thoughts and new ideas not yet expressed either to themselves or others. I think my students surprised themselves yesterday with their own reactions and deep thoughts.
So the work here is to find something that taps into this developing teen that helps them to articulate this new ability to think deeply and thoughtfully. Just asking "so what do you think about...." usually elicits an "I dunno" kind of answer. In my students case, it was realizing that what they were seeing was real not a Hollywood version. These were real kids, real crack heads, real parents. Now you can understand the appeal of reality shows like Jersey Shore. Here's a suggestion, there is a wonderful documentary called "An American Teen" not to be confused with the TV show The Secret Life of Teens.( I know netflix and most libraries have this film) This documentary is a year in the life of 5 students from a large midwestern high school. Each of these students has their public persona, what their parents see, what their friends see, and then the movie allows us to also see their private side, their agony and their ecstasy. The things that happen to these kids are the things that happen to your kids, but maybe they can't tell you about. Watching this movie together about these real kids might give you an opening to find out what your kids are really thinking and feeling, without asking directly. Here is an opportunity. The key here is to share your thoughts and feelings as well, in a truthful non-lecturing way. Let this film move you, as it will move your kids, and share a feeling not a lesson.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Candy is dandy....but liquor is quicker!
The post Halloween party blues and reviews are starting to trickle in, and candy is not all that's getting served up at teen Halloween parties this year. What is a parent to do? Brave parents step up to the plate, offer their home for a party hoping to keep their teen and 40 of their closest friends away from TPeeing the local park(toilet papering for those who have never indulged), or egging passing cars. They follow all the expert's advice by inviting other parents over to share the supervision, greet every teen at the door with a rudimentary screening (getting close enough to smell their breath), provide lots of food, climb up and down the stairs to deliver it, doing a little reconnaissance on the way. But still, as the evening wears on, a hysterical daughter climbs the stairs, two girls are puking their brains out on the floor, call an ambulance!!! These are 13 yr olds. At another party, a few responsible kids climb another set of stairs to let parents know some kids were high when they came in and brought more booze to share for the party. Parents can't find the booze, or the kids who brought it, but let all parents know whose kids attended the party that alcohol was sneaked in. So here is the moral of this tale of two parties, even with the best laid plans, and good parent supervision, kids will find a way!!!!
Think of your teen in the same way as you thought about him/her as a toddler. The world is now a wondrous and exciting place for your toddler to explore now that they can move on their own and explore every nook and cranny of your home. Loving this curiosity, you do everything you can do to encourage them, but also to keep them safe. Out come the electric outlet covers, the brackets to keep bookshelves from toppling, poisons out of reach from inviting cabinet doors. You anticipate, prepare, and predict what might happen and do your best to keep them safe.
Your teen too sees his/her world as a new and exciting place, curious about all the taboos that heretofore were uninteresting and uninviting. But now all that has changed. What does it taste like? How does it make you feel? Everybody else is doing it, should I? Will it make me more fun, more popular, more sexy, less nervous, more confident???? These are the questions that flood your teen at that moment of should I or shouldn't I? Not the ones you wished they were asking like: Should I being doing this, it is unsafe, not good for my developing brain, my parents trust me, and won't this betray their trust? No, for the most part they are not thinking or asking those questions. For younger teens they may be in a situation they have never been in before, and have no idea what to do.
Just saying to your teen, "you better not, and if I find out you did, you will be grounded"will probably not encourage them to be honest with you. Kids lie because they have to. If instead you say: "I know you are going to be in situations you have not been in before, or situations that can get out of hand, lets figure out some ways to keep you safe."You will more likely open a conversation rather than end it before it gets started. There is a mixed message inherent in all of this, which is totally troubling. I'm with you. Should kids be drinking, and taking drugs?...absolutely not!!! Will they, even if we say you better not and there will be severe consequences if you do? Probably. The consequences don't seen that bad to them in the excitement of the moment, and the ultimate goal here is to keep your kid safe. And if acknowledging I don't want you to drink or take drugs, but I know you might, keeps the communication going with your kid and ultimately keeps them safe, then so be it.
Your kids need your help. They need you to help them anticipate and plan. This is not something that comes naturally to teens. Teens live in the moment, adults live in the future. So next time your kid leaves to go to a party or a get together, or a football game, or a sleepover, even if there are going to be parents present, rather than just saying "you better not", try instead" I'm guessing there might be some alcohol, or drugs around, tonight, what's your plan to stay safe". It is unrealistic to expect your teen to always do the right thing, temptation is a strong motivator, just ask Adam and Eve.
Think of your teen in the same way as you thought about him/her as a toddler. The world is now a wondrous and exciting place for your toddler to explore now that they can move on their own and explore every nook and cranny of your home. Loving this curiosity, you do everything you can do to encourage them, but also to keep them safe. Out come the electric outlet covers, the brackets to keep bookshelves from toppling, poisons out of reach from inviting cabinet doors. You anticipate, prepare, and predict what might happen and do your best to keep them safe.
Your teen too sees his/her world as a new and exciting place, curious about all the taboos that heretofore were uninteresting and uninviting. But now all that has changed. What does it taste like? How does it make you feel? Everybody else is doing it, should I? Will it make me more fun, more popular, more sexy, less nervous, more confident???? These are the questions that flood your teen at that moment of should I or shouldn't I? Not the ones you wished they were asking like: Should I being doing this, it is unsafe, not good for my developing brain, my parents trust me, and won't this betray their trust? No, for the most part they are not thinking or asking those questions. For younger teens they may be in a situation they have never been in before, and have no idea what to do.
Just saying to your teen, "you better not, and if I find out you did, you will be grounded"will probably not encourage them to be honest with you. Kids lie because they have to. If instead you say: "I know you are going to be in situations you have not been in before, or situations that can get out of hand, lets figure out some ways to keep you safe."You will more likely open a conversation rather than end it before it gets started. There is a mixed message inherent in all of this, which is totally troubling. I'm with you. Should kids be drinking, and taking drugs?...absolutely not!!! Will they, even if we say you better not and there will be severe consequences if you do? Probably. The consequences don't seen that bad to them in the excitement of the moment, and the ultimate goal here is to keep your kid safe. And if acknowledging I don't want you to drink or take drugs, but I know you might, keeps the communication going with your kid and ultimately keeps them safe, then so be it.
Your kids need your help. They need you to help them anticipate and plan. This is not something that comes naturally to teens. Teens live in the moment, adults live in the future. So next time your kid leaves to go to a party or a get together, or a football game, or a sleepover, even if there are going to be parents present, rather than just saying "you better not", try instead" I'm guessing there might be some alcohol, or drugs around, tonight, what's your plan to stay safe". It is unrealistic to expect your teen to always do the right thing, temptation is a strong motivator, just ask Adam and Eve.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The Agony Of A 9th Grade Boy
I have had a rash of calls over the last week from parents of 9th grade boys. It seems there is an epidemic of weekend lethargy, which includes social isolation, empty friend syndrome, and video game overdose. Here is my diagnosis. Being a 9th grade boy is the lowest of the low in low high school land. The loss of social status is huge. While 9th girls enjoy being the youngest, newest, and therefore "easiest" girls to conquest for the older guys, the 9th grade boys have become obsolete in the social hierarchy that is High School. They often are the shortest, not having experienced the eagerly awaited puberty fueled growth spurt. It can feel like they are living in the land of the giants. Their acne may be in full bloom, further eroding their confidence in the daily pageant of "who's cute", that all high schoolers experience, male or female. Furthermore, they have left a middle school where they were top dogs; perhaps they were the better athletes in their school/town sports team, or the lead in their school musical, or president of their school's student council.
So here they are in High School, a place they have dreamed and fantasized about for years, and SLAM, reality hits. Maybe they make one of the schools athletic teams, but being the youngest gets little play and they end up spending most of their time on the bench. Or if they are lucky enough to be a good athlete, they get play, and the upperclassmen are resentful because this young punk gets more play then they do, and these older guys feel free to show their resentment. It's a no-win situation.
And to add insult to injury, they may be losing all their best buddies. Ninth grade year is a year of so many changes and transitions, including friends. Some kids are more ready, interested and confident enough to jump into the water, no matter how cold it is. They are ready to party, find girls, and hang with the big guys, leaving their old friends in their wake. The guys that were their steady Saturday night dates, video games at some one's house, are nowhere to be found.
The bad news is that this year will feel like the longest year for you as the parent. You are at the same time feeling heartbroken for your son, seeing him mope about aimlessly, at odds with himself, and also beyond frustrated wondering "what the hell is wrong with you, get off that damn couch and do something!"
So here it is in a nutshell. They don't know what to do!. The rules have changed and they don't have the rulebook. So when your son walks in from school everyday, and gives you a sneer and a grunt, asking him what's wrong at that point will probably garner a scream of "NOTHING". Don't be offended, just park away that a million things are wrong, things that got stuffed down all day at school, things he may not even be consciously aware of, a stare from an older student, a fumble on the field, an embarrassing wrong answer in math and the list goes on. And when the weekend comes, cozying up in his room and his safe haven of home feels like about as much as he can muster. Saying things like" why don't you call a friend? or why don't you invite someone over? only reinforces for him that he is a loser, because maybe that "friend" he would have called is now off with a bunch of new friends, partying in the park, and this is something he is not ready for or interested in doing...thank god.
The good news is, this too shall pass. This is a moment in time, and as he gains confidence, height and clear skin he will begin to join the human race again. He will find new things he feels excited about, and new people to hang with. And for the time being, cause it won't last long, just enjoy his company. My prescription: Make a big bowl of popcorn, settle onto the couch and watch a movie!
So here they are in High School, a place they have dreamed and fantasized about for years, and SLAM, reality hits. Maybe they make one of the schools athletic teams, but being the youngest gets little play and they end up spending most of their time on the bench. Or if they are lucky enough to be a good athlete, they get play, and the upperclassmen are resentful because this young punk gets more play then they do, and these older guys feel free to show their resentment. It's a no-win situation.
And to add insult to injury, they may be losing all their best buddies. Ninth grade year is a year of so many changes and transitions, including friends. Some kids are more ready, interested and confident enough to jump into the water, no matter how cold it is. They are ready to party, find girls, and hang with the big guys, leaving their old friends in their wake. The guys that were their steady Saturday night dates, video games at some one's house, are nowhere to be found.
The bad news is that this year will feel like the longest year for you as the parent. You are at the same time feeling heartbroken for your son, seeing him mope about aimlessly, at odds with himself, and also beyond frustrated wondering "what the hell is wrong with you, get off that damn couch and do something!"
So here it is in a nutshell. They don't know what to do!. The rules have changed and they don't have the rulebook. So when your son walks in from school everyday, and gives you a sneer and a grunt, asking him what's wrong at that point will probably garner a scream of "NOTHING". Don't be offended, just park away that a million things are wrong, things that got stuffed down all day at school, things he may not even be consciously aware of, a stare from an older student, a fumble on the field, an embarrassing wrong answer in math and the list goes on. And when the weekend comes, cozying up in his room and his safe haven of home feels like about as much as he can muster. Saying things like" why don't you call a friend? or why don't you invite someone over? only reinforces for him that he is a loser, because maybe that "friend" he would have called is now off with a bunch of new friends, partying in the park, and this is something he is not ready for or interested in doing...thank god.
The good news is, this too shall pass. This is a moment in time, and as he gains confidence, height and clear skin he will begin to join the human race again. He will find new things he feels excited about, and new people to hang with. And for the time being, cause it won't last long, just enjoy his company. My prescription: Make a big bowl of popcorn, settle onto the couch and watch a movie!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Porn And The Cell Phone
Story 1:This past Sunday, The Boston Globe's front page story was titled "An Epidemic Of Anxiety". It recounted the tale of a high school girl egged on by a boy she had a crush on to send him a topless picture of herself using her cell phone. Because she thought this might seal the deal and possibly help bring the two of them together, she complied and sent him the topless photo. Needless to say, the boy was not interested in her boobs really, but this ploy had been orchestrated by a group of bitchy girls who thought this would be a hysterical prank to set this girl up, get her to take the boob photo and then send the picture to schoolmates using cellphones. And history, both literally and figuratively was made. The girl now completely humiliated had to face her classmates taunting glares and comments on her return to school.
Story 2: The dean of a private school told me this story last May at the conclusion of their 9th grade admission process. What is so striking about this particular story is that two girls from two different communities had exactly the same story that culminated in their leaving their respective high schools and come to this school. Here is what happened to each girl. Boy approaches girl saying; " I want you to send me a naked picture of yourself" Girl says no way! Boy continues to tease and cajole girl to send the naked picture. Girl says no way!!! So far so good. Boy says:" If you don't send me the naked picture I will start a rumor that you slept with me and all my friends and that you are a slut/whore." Nice guy. Girl now has decision to make, is it better to just send him the damn picture, or be faced with slut/whore comments? I personally would have gone with the slut/whore choice, but that's just me. Anyway, girls decided to go with the naked picture. And of course this picture went viral for both these girls, humiliation ensued, and both girls chose to leave their friends and their community for a private school to start fresh. Two different girls, two different communities, same outcome. Do you see the trend?
Here is the question that I know you readers are asking yourselves: Why didn't she talk to her parents? Here's why. Wouldn't your first instinct be to call the school immediately, make your daughter tell you who the boy was, and then threaten legal charges against the school, the boy, the boy's family, the group of girls, and anyone else you could think of to protect your daughter? I would have. So here is the dilemma of all these girls, If I go to my parents, they will go crazy, and then I will become a pariah in my school, way worse than if I just do this. And the sad thing here is, they are probably right.
So how do we protect our kids from situations like this or prevent them from happening in the first place. Here is the first and most important way: BLOCK THE PICTURE TAKING CAPACITIES FROM YOUR KID'S CELLPHONES!! You can go to your phone carrier and they can block outgoing and incoming data. If your kids can't take or send pictures through their phones, they won't take or send pictures through their phones. That's if they can't just say f%#ck off to the boys. Which would have been my best advice.
But the best protection is prevention. Here is how that can happen. A conversation with your daughter might go like this: Read The Globe article with your daughter and your son by the way. We'll get to him in a second. Don't get into lecture mode, about self-respect, blah blah blah, instead go to a place of understanding and an "I get it" moment. You might say: "these poor girls, what an awful situation to be put in. I get it must be hard to know what to do, these guys can be pretty persistent, and I'm guessing these girls wouldn't go to their parents, cause who's knows what they might have done. Honey, just in case this should ever happen to you, I want you to know, I won't go crazy, call the police or school because if I can help you get out of this situation before it happens then nothing will have happened for me to go to the school with. Once the deed is done, it really is out of our hands, and we lose total control. So I promise, we will figure out a way together for you to save your reputation, and embarrassment, just talk to us.
If you have a son. Also read him this story. The "I get it" moment here is: I get that you guys might be offered a naked picture of a girl who likes you, or that some guys are pressuring girls to send naked pictures. I just want you to know that once that happens and you are part of it, you are now open to charges of disseminating child pornography and can be arrested. If someone leaves their phone on the kitchen table, or in the school cafeteria, or on the sink when they go in the shower, and someone picks it up and looks at pictures and texts and your name or contact is anywhere in that mix, you are implicated. And besides the obvious legal ramifications, IT IS JUST WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who knew that cellphones would become mobile Penthouses and Playboys, using our sons and daughters as their models? Prevention is the best protection. Your job is to educate and prepare your kids for situations for which they have absolutely no experience. Encouraging your kids to come to you before a situation gets out of control is the ultimate goal. Let your kids know that you will promise to stay calm in the face of chaos.
Story 2: The dean of a private school told me this story last May at the conclusion of their 9th grade admission process. What is so striking about this particular story is that two girls from two different communities had exactly the same story that culminated in their leaving their respective high schools and come to this school. Here is what happened to each girl. Boy approaches girl saying; " I want you to send me a naked picture of yourself" Girl says no way! Boy continues to tease and cajole girl to send the naked picture. Girl says no way!!! So far so good. Boy says:" If you don't send me the naked picture I will start a rumor that you slept with me and all my friends and that you are a slut/whore." Nice guy. Girl now has decision to make, is it better to just send him the damn picture, or be faced with slut/whore comments? I personally would have gone with the slut/whore choice, but that's just me. Anyway, girls decided to go with the naked picture. And of course this picture went viral for both these girls, humiliation ensued, and both girls chose to leave their friends and their community for a private school to start fresh. Two different girls, two different communities, same outcome. Do you see the trend?
Here is the question that I know you readers are asking yourselves: Why didn't she talk to her parents? Here's why. Wouldn't your first instinct be to call the school immediately, make your daughter tell you who the boy was, and then threaten legal charges against the school, the boy, the boy's family, the group of girls, and anyone else you could think of to protect your daughter? I would have. So here is the dilemma of all these girls, If I go to my parents, they will go crazy, and then I will become a pariah in my school, way worse than if I just do this. And the sad thing here is, they are probably right.
So how do we protect our kids from situations like this or prevent them from happening in the first place. Here is the first and most important way: BLOCK THE PICTURE TAKING CAPACITIES FROM YOUR KID'S CELLPHONES!! You can go to your phone carrier and they can block outgoing and incoming data. If your kids can't take or send pictures through their phones, they won't take or send pictures through their phones. That's if they can't just say f%#ck off to the boys. Which would have been my best advice.
But the best protection is prevention. Here is how that can happen. A conversation with your daughter might go like this: Read The Globe article with your daughter and your son by the way. We'll get to him in a second. Don't get into lecture mode, about self-respect, blah blah blah, instead go to a place of understanding and an "I get it" moment. You might say: "these poor girls, what an awful situation to be put in. I get it must be hard to know what to do, these guys can be pretty persistent, and I'm guessing these girls wouldn't go to their parents, cause who's knows what they might have done. Honey, just in case this should ever happen to you, I want you to know, I won't go crazy, call the police or school because if I can help you get out of this situation before it happens then nothing will have happened for me to go to the school with. Once the deed is done, it really is out of our hands, and we lose total control. So I promise, we will figure out a way together for you to save your reputation, and embarrassment, just talk to us.
If you have a son. Also read him this story. The "I get it" moment here is: I get that you guys might be offered a naked picture of a girl who likes you, or that some guys are pressuring girls to send naked pictures. I just want you to know that once that happens and you are part of it, you are now open to charges of disseminating child pornography and can be arrested. If someone leaves their phone on the kitchen table, or in the school cafeteria, or on the sink when they go in the shower, and someone picks it up and looks at pictures and texts and your name or contact is anywhere in that mix, you are implicated. And besides the obvious legal ramifications, IT IS JUST WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who knew that cellphones would become mobile Penthouses and Playboys, using our sons and daughters as their models? Prevention is the best protection. Your job is to educate and prepare your kids for situations for which they have absolutely no experience. Encouraging your kids to come to you before a situation gets out of control is the ultimate goal. Let your kids know that you will promise to stay calm in the face of chaos.
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