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What is the most challenging part to parenting a teenager?
What is the most challenging part to parenting a teenager?
For most parents,
trying to understand why their teen does so many “stupid” things, makes so many
“stupid” decisions, and doesn’t want to listen to their advice gained from so
many years of experience is crazy making! Without understanding what drives
their teen’s behavior, parents just go from one crisis to the next, throwing
around consequences and punishments hoping that something they do will stick
and change their teen’s terrifying ways. But alas, just saying don’t do it or
you better not, and then grounding them when they do, does not change behavior.
Many parents of teens feel an enormous loss of control. “Because I said so” is
no longer an effective parenting tool. You cannot parent a teenager the same
way you parent a younger child. It is this redefining of parenting style that
most parents of teens are unprepared for.
2.
Which
subjects freak parents out the most – discussing sex, alcohol and drugs, social media, school, or issues like
depression?
I think the
issues like drugs/sex/social media are front and center because parents are
forced to deal with them on a daily basis. They are “in your face” kind of
issues. Many many teens are dealing with depression and anxiety these days, but
they are good at masking them with…. drugs/alcohol/sex and social networking. Parents
then are dealing with symptoms of possible depression and anxiety, doing too
much of all those other things which are avoidance behaviors. Also parents
worry that drugs/alcohol/sex and social networking will negatively impact their
kid’s success in school. PS, it will!
3.
What
can parents of pre-teens do to prepare for what will be required of them, as
parents, to help and control their children that will turn into teenagers?
Take the blinders off. Many parents
assume that because their kids were easy and obedient during the elementary
school years that they will dodge a bullet heading into the teen years. I can’t
tell you how many times I have heard; “ I never imagined that MY kid would ever…”from
parents of newly minted teens doing the things teens do. As ALL teens enter
adolescence they are faced with an amazing number of “firsts” for which they have
absolutely no experience. They have a new brain and new body to boot; so all
bets are off thinking just because their kids were easy, they will continue on that path. When
you can anticipate rather than be surprised by some of the normal teen behavior
there is more opportunity to use thoughtful strategy rather than be reactive,
and in crisis mode.
4.
Doesn’t
every stage of parenting present hurdles and roadblocks? What’s so different
about the teen years?
Teen brains are
experiencing enormous growth. This means that they are literally seeing the
world through a new lens. Additionally in adolescence, the emotional part of
the teen brain is in higher activation than their thinking brain, which is completely
opposite from the way an adult brain functions. This means teen behavior is
driven by emotion and impulse rather than by the rational and the thoughtful.
Except for the first 18 months of life, there is no other time in life when
there is such extreme brain change. It’s biology baby! For parents this is
scary because just as their teen’s brain sees the “awesomeness” of it all, they
are exposed to experiences that carry tremendous risk.
5.
Your
daughter went on to star in a network television show. Does this mean you did something right
as a parent?
Ari’s success is
totally a reflection of her hard work and talent; we take no credit for that.
What we did do as parents was to know and understand who she was and what
turned her on. We supported her passion which she exhibited at a very early age
and found her opportunities to participate to her little hearts content. As she
got older that definitely meant some job juggling for my husband and I. Because
Ari was an only child, we were able to do that and she was able to take
advantage of acting opportunities that required some significant chauffeuring
and time management. But I think our real gift to her was staying out of her
way. We were all very clear about boundaries; we were her chauffeurs, catering
service and supporters, not her directors, managers and agents.
6.
Let’s
discuss real-life issues. How do
you advise parents of teenagers who are being bullied online?
The first issue
is availability. Teens can be gluttons for punishment. Get them off the sites
and apps where bulling occurs and block the kids who are taunting them from
those sites. If a bully doesn’t have access to his/her victim than that can
take all the fun out of bullying. But in order for that to happen parents have
got to be on top of what apps and sites their kids are on in the first place.
Many parents stay way to hands-off with their kids phones and computers. Monitoring
a teen’s phone and computer use is a necessary evil. There may always be some
trash taking between teens, but when the line is crossed by threats and serious
emotional abuse, transcripts should be presented to school administrators.
7.
How
should a parent talk to their child about sex, sexting, and dating?
With
understanding and honesty. Parents should really try to stay off the lecture
circuit. Telling teens how they should behave will fall mostly on deaf ears. Saying: “ I get you
are going to be interested in sex. I know I’ll have to get used to thinking
about you in this new way. I know you will be in situations that you have never
been in before with boys/girls. I also know kids talk to each other in very
sexy language, and I’m guessing that can be pretty fun, but it can also get you
into real trouble. Here are some of the things I do not want to see on your
phone or computer.” Parents should say all those “dirty” words they do not want
on their kids phone. Saying “inappropriate language” just won’t cut it. Kids
need to hear what “suck my dick” sounds like out loud!.
8.
What
can a parent do to keep the lines of communication flowing with their teenager,
to ensure honesty, openness, and forthrightness?
The biggest
barriers to open communication are words that criticize and judge. For example
when parents see their teen wasting time online and texting when they are
supposed to be doing their homework, they are more likely to say: “Stop being
so lazy, and get off that damn phone.” Rather than: “ I get how important your
friends are to you, and how important it is for you to check in with them, but
homework is important too, and we need to find a strategy that gives you time
for both.” Now, instead of teens feeling like they have a character flaw, which
pushes them into arguing and defense mode, they can work on solving a problem.
9.
How
can parents keep their kids focused on excelling in school and preparing for
college?
Contrary to what
most parents think, it is not to focus on the grades. Sometimes parents set up unrealistic
expectations about the grades they expect from their teens. Starting in middle
school parents start saying: “if you want to get into a good college, you
better start working hard now.” Talk about getting on the worry train too
early. Anxiety inhibits learning. Instead parents should focus on the learning
part of school, not the report card. When parents engage with their teen about
what they are learning, by
reading the same books, and sharing insights; or engage in discussions about
subjects their kids are studying; the message given is that being a curious
learner is what is valued not the grade. Good grades will happen naturally when
the process of learning is valued. And of course provide structure and get them
off their phones for 2 hours every night, even if they have no homework!
10.
Some
teens just give off a lousy attitude – defiance, laziness, entitlement – what
can a parent do to combat this?
Teens give off
that attitude because they could care less about the things that most parents
think are important. Teenagers are by nature narcissistic…just temporarily
thank god! Friends are #1, chores, cleaning their room, laundry, those don’t
even make the list. Every request from a parent to a teen then becomes a power
struggle. My best advice is to stop yelling and badgering. When there is a
demand from a teen a parent can say: “Is there a question in there?” Or if a
teen needs a ride and a chore isn’t done: “I’d be happy to drive you to X’s
house, let me know when you’ve emptied the dishwasher and we will be on our
way. Attitude should not beget attitude!
PS: If you have my book and are finding it useful, please consider writing a review on Amazon. I would be so appreciative!
PS: If you have my book and are finding it useful, please consider writing a review on Amazon. I would be so appreciative!
Thanks for answering the big ones so thoroughly, Joani!
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