Watch and then we'll talk:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/26/this-will-change-you-60-seconds_n_4787938.html?&ncid=tweetln
If you want your teen to learn to love reading, than sit down and read your own book
If you want your teen to stop being attached to their phones, stop being attached to yours
If you want your teen to share feelings about their life, start sharing feelings about your life
If you want your teen to feel that helping people and being committed to community service is an important part of life than go do some volunteer work and share your experience
If you want your teen to start talking and stop yelling, than you need to stop yelling and start talking
If you want you teen to be open minded, stop trying to always have the last word, and learn to listen better
If you don't want your teen to drink and drive, then you better not drink and drive, even that one beer when you go out with the family for pizza
You get the idea! And by the way, don't expect to see the fruits of all this modeling until they are done doing the adolescent job of separation. Right now they want to be anything but like you!! But take comfort, Look at who you are today, what you enjoy doing, and what your core values are. I'm guessing they bear a very close resemblance to those people you call your parents. It may take a few years, but you will totally rub off on your kids, at least some of you!
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Too Much Texting
I keep hoping that my college students will think my class is so scintillating that doing the "lap dance", and by lap dance I mean texting and tweeting under their desk on their lap while I am killing myself trying to be the entertaining/educational professor that changes their life, could at least be on hold till after my 65 minute class. But alas, this has not happened, no matter how many times I remind them to put their phones away, not on your lap I cajole, in your backpack, under your desk, out of sight. Two minutes into class, turning back from writing on the board, I catch more than a several students, head down and fiddling with their phone. I GIVE UP!!!! If you don't want me writing about your kids two or three years down the line, you need to start doing something now!!!!!
Your kids will hate you, shout at you, be abusive, tell you that you are the worst parent ever. SO WHAT! Man/woman up!! Just say no! No texting/tweeting/instagraming (TTI) during meal times, no TTI during family occasions where ever and whenever. No TTI in bed, No TTI during home work time or during the 2 hour TTI abstaining time that is your family rule. Arguing, complaining, and being otherwise obnoxious should be met with a OK I guess it's time to switch out the smartphone, and get you an old fashion phone that just does texting and talking. You remember talking, that's what you use your mouth for!
Do I sound frustrated, and irritated. You bet I am. This is a WHOLLY preventative problem. Your teen will not set limits on themselves. Never gonna happen. Their impulsive brain is saying: "more please." They have already been shown the gateway to heaven, and the only way they will be turned away at the gates is if you do it. You don't have to get mad, or yell and scream. You just have to tell them this is the way you roll. You love them, and you see the bigger picture, that you completely understand that they can't see and don't want to see. But that is your job, and if they are pissed off at you, then that is the price you have to pay for being a good parent.
I know you can do it.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Stop, You're Embarrassing me!!!
I remember a conversation I had with a parent who was so annoyed with her 13 year old daughter. This teen was giving her mom strict orders on what to wear when she picked her up from soccer practice; "do not under any circumstances wear your matchy, matchy nylon sweatsuit outfit, and make sure you take a shower before you pick me up, do not come straight from the gym, and oh yeah, don't put on your stupid radio station, and don't ask anyone any questions!" As you can imagine, the mom was not a happy camper. Who exactly was doing who a favor here. Than of course there are the orders a parent receives from their teen about the expected behavior if a bunch kids are coming over on a weekend night" Do not come downstairs, do not ask any question, do no exist!!"
First of all do not do not do not take any of this dither personally. Though it feels very personal, it really is that teenage brain talking with a new understanding that other people are thinking things about them now. Not only are they being judged, but everyone connected to them are part of the judging package including even the beloved family dog. Once their most cherished companion, now, smelly, ugly, annoying, etc.
Relax, this new level of hyper self-consciousness is time limited. As they become more confident and comfortable with their new body and new brain, usually juniorish year in high school, they won't be nearly so judgemental. They'll be other things, but not that. This is not a character flaw of your teen, it is completely normal, just unbearable.
Rather than feel like you are being ordered around, and hence a set-up for a power struggle (read argument) "You don't tell me what to do!!" or you say with conviction "That really hurts my feelings" said with profound sadness. You need to have a different strategy. What you need to let you teens know is that they don't get to "tell" you what to do." You might say: " I get right now my style of dress, personality, the way I cook, they way I speak (fill in the blank) all feel embarrassing to you in front of your friends. And I get that causes you some worry. I will do the best I can not to make you feel worried and embarrassed. Letting me know what those things are is helpful, and I will be open to listening and doing what I can. But I won't respond to being ordered about. Just so you know" When your teens start with the ordering, you can always say: " Is there a question there you would like to ask?' This lets them know, that you might choose to accommodate, but you won't be ordered too.
Understanding and not judging this embarrassing stuff gives you some distance so as not to take this too personally. My mother was a constant embarrassment to me as a teen, I bet yours was too.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
The February Vacation Blues
The return from February vacation is the worst. No fun holidays to look forward to, no three day weekends, just 8 more weeks of straight out school. Mornings are cold, homework is boring, their friends annoy them, you annoy them, life just sucks.
It's no fun for you either. Nothing fun for you to look forward to. My suggestion, find something. Let your teen know that this is a tough time of year, and you "get" that motivation is at kind of a low point. Ask them if there is something they want to plan a month down the line that would give them something to look forward to. And help them plan. And by the way, do the same thing for yourself!
At the least, have reasonable expectations. It will take a week or two to get back in the groove. Understanding will get you way further than yelling!
It's no fun for you either. Nothing fun for you to look forward to. My suggestion, find something. Let your teen know that this is a tough time of year, and you "get" that motivation is at kind of a low point. Ask them if there is something they want to plan a month down the line that would give them something to look forward to. And help them plan. And by the way, do the same thing for yourself!
At the least, have reasonable expectations. It will take a week or two to get back in the groove. Understanding will get you way further than yelling!
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
A Good Read
Rather than writing my own stuff today, I want to to turn you on to this fantastic article that I read in Newsweek. Grab a cup of coffee and settle in for a good read:
http://mag.newsweek.com/2014/01/24/sex-single-tween.html
http://mag.newsweek.com/2014/01/24/sex-single-tween.html
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
My Top Ten Parenting Tips
I decided to do a top ten list of what I think are the most important tips in raising a teen. Here they are in no particular order:
1. Encourage your teen to think for him/herself. Restrain yourself from being the chief problem solver of their life even if they ask you to be that for them. If you want them to make good choices when you are not around, you need to encourage them to try to problem solve when you are around. Practice makes perfect!
2. Try not to ask a zillion questions. You won't get the answers you want anyway, and they stopped listening at hello. Try starting with a discussion about your day, or some neutral subject, and engage them in a conversation before you start the interrogation.
3. Try to refrain from going on the "lecture circuit." I know you have a lot of wisdom and life lessons to impart, but when you see their eyes roll up into their head, you have probably lost the moment. A good speaker always reads their audience. If you are living a life filled with purpose, and model for them what it means to be a good person, then you won't need to tell them what it means to be a good person. They "get it."
4. As uncomfortable as you may be, you gotta talk about sex. Do it with honesty, candor, and understanding, not judgement. Talk about your own struggles, and experiences when you were a teen, especially those moments of which you are the least proud. If they know that you made some stupid decisions in your life when it came to sex, they will feel freer to share their questions and worries. Nobody likes a goody goody!
5. When it comes to alcohol and drugs, make your house safe. The first place kids look for forbidden fruit is in your garden. Again, you need to have honest discussions, sans judgement, understanding that they will be in situations they have never been in before, and will be "tempted by the fruit." Help them to anticipate these situations, and problem solve about ways to stay safe.
6. Do not rule with an iron fist. This may have worked when they were younger and liked rules and regulations. Your teen needs to be a part of the rule making if you don't want them to be a rule breaker. Teens will easily resort to lying when they feel you have left no room for negotiation and conversation. Most kids are actually pretty reasonable, and when given the opportunity to have some control will rise to the occasion, and conversely if they feel too over controlled will try to take it.
8. Absolutely set limits (with their input) with cell phones, computers and video games. Just like you let them eat only a few pieces of Halloween candy a night when they were younger so they wouldn't gorge themselves, you need to see these devices in the same way. No cell phones to bed, a set amount of time for no cell phone or face book during homework time. And include them in looking at their phone bill on a regular basis. Mindfulness not mindlessness.
9. Find multiple moments to express your appreciation, and pride in them. This might be near to impossible sometimes, but there is nothing more important. I'm not talking about good test scores or term grades, but a moment of kindness caught, maybe a nice moment with a younger sibling, or a sweet conversation with a grandparent or maybe after a tough week of school, and sports or play rehearsals, appreciating them for taking on so much. Maybe its just an out of the blue" you're a good kid, and maybe I don't tell you that enough."
10. And finally, please find some fun with your teen. Hang out, watch TV, bring in some pizza or Chinese food, go to the driving range, play a video game, listen to music with them, go get manis and pedis, bake a cake, take the dog for a walk, go shopping, anything that may give you a moment, maybe just a moment, of sweetness with your kid.
1. Encourage your teen to think for him/herself. Restrain yourself from being the chief problem solver of their life even if they ask you to be that for them. If you want them to make good choices when you are not around, you need to encourage them to try to problem solve when you are around. Practice makes perfect!
2. Try not to ask a zillion questions. You won't get the answers you want anyway, and they stopped listening at hello. Try starting with a discussion about your day, or some neutral subject, and engage them in a conversation before you start the interrogation.
3. Try to refrain from going on the "lecture circuit." I know you have a lot of wisdom and life lessons to impart, but when you see their eyes roll up into their head, you have probably lost the moment. A good speaker always reads their audience. If you are living a life filled with purpose, and model for them what it means to be a good person, then you won't need to tell them what it means to be a good person. They "get it."
4. As uncomfortable as you may be, you gotta talk about sex. Do it with honesty, candor, and understanding, not judgement. Talk about your own struggles, and experiences when you were a teen, especially those moments of which you are the least proud. If they know that you made some stupid decisions in your life when it came to sex, they will feel freer to share their questions and worries. Nobody likes a goody goody!
5. When it comes to alcohol and drugs, make your house safe. The first place kids look for forbidden fruit is in your garden. Again, you need to have honest discussions, sans judgement, understanding that they will be in situations they have never been in before, and will be "tempted by the fruit." Help them to anticipate these situations, and problem solve about ways to stay safe.
6. Do not rule with an iron fist. This may have worked when they were younger and liked rules and regulations. Your teen needs to be a part of the rule making if you don't want them to be a rule breaker. Teens will easily resort to lying when they feel you have left no room for negotiation and conversation. Most kids are actually pretty reasonable, and when given the opportunity to have some control will rise to the occasion, and conversely if they feel too over controlled will try to take it.
8. Absolutely set limits (with their input) with cell phones, computers and video games. Just like you let them eat only a few pieces of Halloween candy a night when they were younger so they wouldn't gorge themselves, you need to see these devices in the same way. No cell phones to bed, a set amount of time for no cell phone or face book during homework time. And include them in looking at their phone bill on a regular basis. Mindfulness not mindlessness.
9. Find multiple moments to express your appreciation, and pride in them. This might be near to impossible sometimes, but there is nothing more important. I'm not talking about good test scores or term grades, but a moment of kindness caught, maybe a nice moment with a younger sibling, or a sweet conversation with a grandparent or maybe after a tough week of school, and sports or play rehearsals, appreciating them for taking on so much. Maybe its just an out of the blue" you're a good kid, and maybe I don't tell you that enough."
10. And finally, please find some fun with your teen. Hang out, watch TV, bring in some pizza or Chinese food, go to the driving range, play a video game, listen to music with them, go get manis and pedis, bake a cake, take the dog for a walk, go shopping, anything that may give you a moment, maybe just a moment, of sweetness with your kid.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Teens Do The Darndest Things
Read and we'll discuss:
Middle school student rescued after tongue gets frozen to metal pole
FILE
Scene from the 1983 movie “A Christmas Story” in which one of the characters gets his tongue stuck to a metal pole.
Don’t try this at home or at school, for that matter.
An Easthampton middle schooler, apparently undaunted by minus-10-degree temperatures, licked a frozen metal pole outside school Wednesday morning and had to be rescued after the student’s tongue became stuck, fire officials said.
Firefighters were called at 8 a.m. to the scene outside White Brook Middle School.
The incident was probably “kind of one of those ‘triple-dog-dare you to do it’ kind of things,” said Fire Chief David Mottor, borrowing a phrase from a similar incident depicted in the classic holiday movie “A Christmas Story.”
Warm water was simply poured over the student’s tongue to free it from the pole, Mottor said. The youth’s gender and age were not disclosed.
“When the ambulance crew got there, there was a staff member or two already there,” Mottor said. The student was not injured and was released back to school.
“In the 20 years I’ve been working here, I can only think of one other time this has happened,” Mottor said, chuckling over the phone as he recalled a story involving some teenagers and a chain link fence post.
“It’s not too common — knock on wood,” he said.
So when your teen does something that leaves you saying: "Are you kidding me, what were you thinking?????" Honestly they were not thinking, they were feeling. Keep this nugget of understanding around, it will come in handy. Not that it will change their behavior necessarily, but at least you won't be thinking how did my smart teen become so stupid! It's biology baby!
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
STOP YELLING
Are you a serial yeller? Do your teens know how to push you past the point of no return? Have you noticed that the more out of control you get, the calmer you teen becomes? Yelling does not work! Neither does yelling in combination with taking everything away you just gave your teen for a holiday gift like the new smartphone, Ipad, Itouch, or laptop. If you find yourself yelling you have already lost the battle. It's time to put up the white flag and surrender.
I met with a couple recently, engaged in a battle with their teen daughter that seems likely to last forever unless someone blinks. The daughter has basically learned that she doesn't have much to lose, since everything that gets taken away just gets given back in time, and she can yell as loud as and as mean as her parents, particularly her mom. The more unlikable this teen becomes, the more frequent and louder these arguments are. And by unlikeable, I mean entitled, full of attitude and disrespect beyond all reasonable boundaries. Because of this, few nice words are shared between them. The daughter has had some challenges this year, starting a new school and being separated from all her friends, yet she has continued to make good grades, and has become involved in activities in this new arena. No small task for a 15 year old. But because she is such a brat at home, the good stuff is getting lost in the scuffle. So what's happening here. Mom and daughter share a common personality trait. They are strong, assertive women. See how well we can re-frame something negative to something positive!
If you are a person who likes to be in control, the teen years will be a huge challenge for you. If you have a teen who has a strong personality, just like mom and/or dad, double that challenge, and if your teen has watched and learned over the years how you get people to do what you want, than watch out, you have hit the triple crown whammy! They are paying you the highest compliment: imitation being the highest form of flattery!
If you want your teen to stop be disrespectful and bratty, you have to blink first! Your teen has learned how to bait you, and being a well-trained seal, you jump for the bait. When you get that pit in your stomach after you have asked your teen to do something, get something and say something, and their response is surly, disrespectful or he/she completely ignores you, don't jump for the fish. Yelling here will not not not not not not not not........ get them to do whatever it is you want!!!!!! GET IT!! Look them straight in the eye, give them a head shake and a shoulder shrug and WALK....A....WAY. Done! When they come to you for a ride, money, help with homework, laundry for school the next day, you give them that same head shake, shoulder shrug, and walk away, with a "I would have, cause I love to do things for you, but we don't seem to be on the same page today about helping each other." And that is it. Do not say another word. Don't get sarcastic, don't have a "tone" in your voice. Stay neutral. Now this doesn't mean you don't speak to your teen for the rest of the day. It just means that the favor-doing, ride-giving, laundress is off-duty for the rest of the day. Just that day. Every day is a new day. And who knows, maybe tomorrow will be a better one.!
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Porn+Teenage Boys+Sexual Assault
I hope this one got your attention. A statistic that has been flying across the news over the last few weeks is that 1 out of every 5 girls on college campuses is having to deal with sexual assault. There has been some dispute about under reporting, over reporting and just enough reporting by the girls, the colleges, the police, but whatever the statistic is, it is too high.
One of the biggest changes in our culture is that we have lost the progression of sexual activity based on normal adolescent development. It used to start with just a kiss. A simple kiss. I remember sitting with girlfriends after a saturday night date, and the question that was asked was: "Did he kiss you goodnight?" Now the question might be after a middle school trip to the mall: "Did you give him a blow job?" You've come a long way baby. Young teens are engaging in sexual activities they don't really understand, and are not ready for, and that set a stage for earlier and earlier sexual experiences.
So what is driving all this early sexual experience and sexual expectations? Here is where it gets interesting, and for me surprising. The experts talk about the influence of porn on boys. Did you know that the average age for a boy's first experience with porn is 11.5 years old? Because porn now is so easily accessible through the internet, boys contact with sex may only be through porn. This is their model for what to expect from a woman during sex. This is not taking a peek at a naked woman, after finding their dad's Playboy under the bed, this is watching graphic, possibly violent acts of degradation of woman during sex. "Oh so this is what you do" boys say. The experts reported that boys spent many hours watching porn. They are not embarrassed about it, there is no stigma about it, and they found that on many college campuses, boys sit in common areas in student unions in groups watching porn, as if it were a spectator sport like watching a basketball game. Porn is becoming for boys a "manuel to treat women as dehumanized people." This is really upsetting stuff whether you are a parent of a boy or a girl.
From watching degrading, violent and degrading porn to committing sexual assualt, is not a far reach.
Recently a parent shared a story with me about her 11 year old son's (just like the statistic above) iniatiation to porn. It seemed he was on a weekend ski trip with a community/church/temple/boy scout group. (don't know which one, but it doesn't really make a difference, take your pick) The group leaders had asked the parents not to let their teens bring their smartphones/ipads/itouches on the trip. Understandingly many parents felt uncomfortable leaving their kids with no way to communicate with them should they want to, and since so many kids have smartphones, smartphones went along for the trip. Apparently during the bus ride, a bunch of boys huddled around someone's phone to get in some good porn-time. After all, the bus ride was so bo--ring!!! This 11 year old was present, since these were his friends and he was sitting with them on the bus. Apparently the porn was pretty hard core and he tried moving his seat as the whole event was making him extremely uncomfortable. His supportive friends started calling him "pussy" and "gay", so he felt too embarrassed to leave the "circle jerk"
When he got home, and his parents were getting the lowdown on how the trip went, he broke down in tears describing this ordeal, saying the things these guys were doing to the girls in the porn was really really bad. This whole event made me really really sad. Remember the good old days of singing 100 bottles of beer on the wall on a bus trip. These images are burned into the retinas of this 11 year old.
When you give your teens unlimited access to the internet through smartphones and laptops,and IPads and iPods, and Itouches you increase the likelihood that porn becomes a regular source of sexual information. Parents this is important stuff. Our kids need help, information, education, and supervision. I know that this is uncomfortable to talk about, but kids need to learn that there are loving and respectful ways of enjoying sexual experiences. Who knew that now we have to talk with our kids about porn and the message it sends to both boys and girls about sex? But we do. We are way past the birds and the bees conversation.
One of the biggest changes in our culture is that we have lost the progression of sexual activity based on normal adolescent development. It used to start with just a kiss. A simple kiss. I remember sitting with girlfriends after a saturday night date, and the question that was asked was: "Did he kiss you goodnight?" Now the question might be after a middle school trip to the mall: "Did you give him a blow job?" You've come a long way baby. Young teens are engaging in sexual activities they don't really understand, and are not ready for, and that set a stage for earlier and earlier sexual experiences.
So what is driving all this early sexual experience and sexual expectations? Here is where it gets interesting, and for me surprising. The experts talk about the influence of porn on boys. Did you know that the average age for a boy's first experience with porn is 11.5 years old? Because porn now is so easily accessible through the internet, boys contact with sex may only be through porn. This is their model for what to expect from a woman during sex. This is not taking a peek at a naked woman, after finding their dad's Playboy under the bed, this is watching graphic, possibly violent acts of degradation of woman during sex. "Oh so this is what you do" boys say. The experts reported that boys spent many hours watching porn. They are not embarrassed about it, there is no stigma about it, and they found that on many college campuses, boys sit in common areas in student unions in groups watching porn, as if it were a spectator sport like watching a basketball game. Porn is becoming for boys a "manuel to treat women as dehumanized people." This is really upsetting stuff whether you are a parent of a boy or a girl.
From watching degrading, violent and degrading porn to committing sexual assualt, is not a far reach.
Recently a parent shared a story with me about her 11 year old son's (just like the statistic above) iniatiation to porn. It seemed he was on a weekend ski trip with a community/church/temple/boy scout group. (don't know which one, but it doesn't really make a difference, take your pick) The group leaders had asked the parents not to let their teens bring their smartphones/ipads/itouches on the trip. Understandingly many parents felt uncomfortable leaving their kids with no way to communicate with them should they want to, and since so many kids have smartphones, smartphones went along for the trip. Apparently during the bus ride, a bunch of boys huddled around someone's phone to get in some good porn-time. After all, the bus ride was so bo--ring!!! This 11 year old was present, since these were his friends and he was sitting with them on the bus. Apparently the porn was pretty hard core and he tried moving his seat as the whole event was making him extremely uncomfortable. His supportive friends started calling him "pussy" and "gay", so he felt too embarrassed to leave the "circle jerk"
When he got home, and his parents were getting the lowdown on how the trip went, he broke down in tears describing this ordeal, saying the things these guys were doing to the girls in the porn was really really bad. This whole event made me really really sad. Remember the good old days of singing 100 bottles of beer on the wall on a bus trip. These images are burned into the retinas of this 11 year old.
When you give your teens unlimited access to the internet through smartphones and laptops,and IPads and iPods, and Itouches you increase the likelihood that porn becomes a regular source of sexual information. Parents this is important stuff. Our kids need help, information, education, and supervision. I know that this is uncomfortable to talk about, but kids need to learn that there are loving and respectful ways of enjoying sexual experiences. Who knew that now we have to talk with our kids about porn and the message it sends to both boys and girls about sex? But we do. We are way past the birds and the bees conversation.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Are Your Expectations Too High?
I read this letter in my morning paper in the Ask Amy Column:
Dear Amy: I am a sophomore in high school. Last semester was terribly stressful. I have many amazing friends who care about schoolwork and grades. We often study together at lunch. However, chemistry was really a struggle.
My father does not accept grades below a solid B. I ended up with a B in the class, but I did not do well on the final. I understand that I should have done more to save my grades during the semester, such as go to tutoring.
Every day when I come home from school he screams at me for my grades. This semester, I will try harder to get good grades and concentrate, especially on chemistry. I don't know how to fix this problem, because I get super anxious and start having trouble breathing. One time I started crying in class.
Any advice on how to be more independent about my grades? I want dad to care about how I do in school, but I don't want a bad relationship with him.
— Trying
Could this be your teen? When you see that B without a plus next to it, do you hyperventilate and worry that your teen is screwing his/her chances for college, or do you think in your head, they just didn't work hard enough.
Here's the truth, most people are not only NOT good in everything, but they are also NOT interested in everything. If your teen is a nice kid, works hard, is engaged and involved with friends and school, has a few subjects that really turn them on, and is not only NOT an all A, B+ student and might occasionally even get a C every now and then, they are absolutely NOT a slacker!
When teens feel this kind of grade pressure from a parent it actually can lead to the opposite affect. When a teen feels anxious and pressured to please, that anxiety can actually interfere with learning. So a grade that doesn't meet with your expectations can actually be your fault!!! So lighten up if your teen is like this girl. If your teen puts in effort, is conscientious, and engaged, change up your expectations. Getting an honor roll report card does absolutely NOT correlate with success as an adult. Being engaged fully in ALL that life has to offer does!
Could this be your teen? When you see that B without a plus next to it, do you hyperventilate and worry that your teen is screwing his/her chances for college, or do you think in your head, they just didn't work hard enough.
Here's the truth, most people are not only NOT good in everything, but they are also NOT interested in everything. If your teen is a nice kid, works hard, is engaged and involved with friends and school, has a few subjects that really turn them on, and is not only NOT an all A, B+ student and might occasionally even get a C every now and then, they are absolutely NOT a slacker!
When teens feel this kind of grade pressure from a parent it actually can lead to the opposite affect. When a teen feels anxious and pressured to please, that anxiety can actually interfere with learning. So a grade that doesn't meet with your expectations can actually be your fault!!! So lighten up if your teen is like this girl. If your teen puts in effort, is conscientious, and engaged, change up your expectations. Getting an honor roll report card does absolutely NOT correlate with success as an adult. Being engaged fully in ALL that life has to offer does!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)