A Wake Up Call

Does this look and sound familiar. Here is your new game plan!

Let them know today what you will and won't do to help them with the new morning wake-up

YOU WILL NOT:

1. Spend the first hour of the morning making it your mission to get them up.

2. Listen to their usual morning abuse as you continue to update them about how much time they have left before the bus/ride/walk to school is approaching.

3. Give them a lateness excuse because they just couldn't get their ass out of bed.

4. Give them a ride if they choose to stay in bed and miss their bus/ride/walk to school

YOU WILL:

1. Let them know that you understand that this transition to early AM's is really hard. You understand that they do not want to get up this early, and that they hate it.

2. Share with them what you are not willing to do with respect to getting up on time.(use above list)

3. Share with them what you are willing to do:

• Work with them to come up with a plan. Perhaps you are willing to give them two wake-up calls. But if they choose to ignore those reminders you will NOT continue to shake, scream, or otherwise annoy the hell of them until they get out of bed.
• Be happy to drive them to school or bus stop at the appointed time. But if they choose to not to get up in time to make the ride, they will be responsible for their own transportation that day. You will not wait around for them to get up and out!
• Buy any new required clocks or alarms they might need to rouse them out of their deepest sleep.

Your teens have got to learn to be responsible for getting up on-time. My college freshman tell me that this is their biggest challenge when they get to college. Most of them report that they sleep through most of their first classes because they never developed their own plan for wake-up, instead relying on their annoying parents to do it for them. This is your practice time. It takes years to develop good AM rituals that work. This will take some trial and error. But please stick with it. You both deserve a better start to your day.

A Sleepover Scam

I asked my college students to tell me what they argued about  most with their parents, when they were in high school. They raised their hands with the usual; messy room, laundry, fighting with siblings, messy room, laundry, rest and repeat. But one student raised her hand and told me how every weekend she would fight with her parents to be able to take the car on the weekend nights when her evening would end up with a sleepover at a friends. Coming home to sleep, no problem, take the car, sleeping at a friends, no way. Turns out it wasn't even the family car, it was her own car.  I was intrigued, and puzzled. But then the real story revealed itself.

Hypothetically speaking here, if your teen brings your car to a sleepover with your permission, then the ease of sneaking out after curfew with those attending the sleepover is considerably easier. Because of course the sleepover host parents have obviously told their teen that use of the car is verboten after everyone is home and accounted for. Meaning you better not sneak out. Now technically speaking when another teen has brought a car to your house, and the sleepover crew sneaks out and drives away in the friends car, from their point of view they are not technically breaking a rule. After all it wasn't YOUR car they used for the getaway. Let me emphasize here that the teen rationalization for being out and about after curfew is well, "It wasn't your car." As if the car is the issue!

I surveyed the class to see if this was just one rogue ballsey student, but when I asked who else pulled this sleepover scan, almost the entire class of 30 hands went up! So where would you go at 1 in the morning? I asked naively. "To a boys house, to a party, to get a food. "But how could you just walk into someone's house that late, weren't the parents home? I asked again naively. "Through the basement door, through the front door. The parents were asleep or away for the weekend and just never knew!

So I don't think you want your teens driving around late at night, partying and trying to get home before you get up after a night of drinking! So please parents, supervise those sleepovers. Set your alarms, and get up and do a bed check at 2 AM and 4 AM. And most importantly, let your teen know that you will be doing this. If teens think they can get away with something, they will give it their all. How many times have you said your goodnights, and gone up your two or three flights of stairs none the wiser to what your night owl teens are up too. This is about temptation not trust. Don't set your teen up for failure or unsafe decisions.

The Lazy Launderers

Now I know that this is a "they must be living in my house" moment. If you don't have a struggle with your teen and laundry then whatever you are doing, bottle it, sell it, and you will make millions of dollars.

The only time your teen cares about their laundry, is when whatever it is they want to wear has not appeared magically clean, folded and ready to go. Besides that, the pile on the floor or in the basket can reach epic proportions as long as there is enough clean underwear, and jeans. Socks were made for multiple wearings, so no issue if they are all dirty!

So what is a parent to do?

A. Just do it yourself, and save yourself the arguing, but on your timeline

B. Wash and dry their clothes, but no folding requiring, return the basket full of unfolded clean clothes. Teens hate wrinkled clothes, so either they will fold their own clothes cause they don't want them wrinkled or they won't. WTFC (who the f** cares)

C. Do like Jeremy's mother, NYP (not your problem)

Whichever one you choose, don't get yourself all worked up into a tizzy about it. You are in control of what and how much you want to do. Once you make that decision, there is nothing to fight about. DWYGD (Do what you gotta do!) After all it's just laundry!

Drinking and Driving, A Sad But Important Story

Ok scary and sad alert. This website is depressing, but then drinking and driving is depressing. There is a video on this young man's website that describes the effects of one bad decision…a night when he drank 2 beers didn't put on his seatbelt, had a serious accident with life long consequences. Luckily his two passengers walked away from the accident having worn their seat belts. This is a video you should watch with your teens, no matter how much grunting and groaning and eye-rolling you get. Any opportunity to plant seeds is an opportunity you should take.

Most teens think that a few beers is no big deal. Here is a guy to tell them differently.

Lets tackle the seatbelt issue. Observation will be your best evaluator of seat belt usage. Whenever your teen gets in the car, do you have to remind him/her to put on their seatbelt? If so, this is a sign they are not ready to drive alone. The first requirement is to see that your teen, un-reminded and automatically puts on their seatbelt as soon as they get into the car, either as the driver or as a passenger. Let them know that this most basic rule is a pre-requisite for taking out the family car. This includes paying attention to not only their seatbelt, but also any other passengers in the car including you and or their siblings that may be going along for the ride. To test their awareness of their passengers, every now and then, leave your buckle or your passenger's buckles undone. Has your teen done a quick glance around to all passengers before they start the car to assure seatbelt compliance. This is good practice. Let your pre-driving teen know that there is zero tolerance on this issue. And that until you sense that it is now second nature for them to buckle up as well being on top of their passenger's seatbelts, there will be no taking out the family car alone. This is an easy one, because either you have to keep reminding them or you don't, and if you don't than they are good to go!

Now the drinking and driving issues. The message you need to give your teen every single time they leave your house with friends should be "What is your safety plan?" It should become such a ritual and routine that your teen gives you her/his plan before you even get the words out. This safety plan should include what they will do if they have chosen to drive and even have one beer, or if they are being chauffered by a friend, what happens if that friend has even one beer? Have these plans prearranged. It could include emergency money that you give then before they leave every single night in case they need cab fare to be returned to you the same night if it isn't used. Another option is they leave the car where they party, call you, no matter what time and with no consequence for a ride home. Yes there is a mixed message here, but you are also teaching them survival skills for when they leave your nest.http://www.onebaddecision.com/onebaddecision/video.html

PS. On a much lighter note, one of my followers has a wonderful blog. Enjoy!
http://mstoodygooshoes.blogspot.com

Teaching gratitude Is A Family Sport

This is an article that was published in the Wall Street Journal. Honestly it says everything I would have said, and probably says it better than I could said it, so I leave you with this very important article on teaching gratitude and how the lack of doing that can really affect who your child will become. 

At the Branstens' modern white dining table, the family holds hands for their nightly ritual.

Arielle, 8 years old, says she's thankful for her late grandfather, Horace, and how funny he was. "I'm missing him," she says. Her third-grade pal, over for dinner, chimes in, "I'm grateful for the sausages." Leela, who works for an education nonprofit, and her attorney husband Peter, burst into smiles. The San Francisco couple couldn't have scripted this better. Appreciation for things big and small—that's why they do this.

Giving thanks is no longer just holiday fare. A field of research on gratitude in kids is emerging, and early findings indicate parents' instincts to elevate the topic are spot-on. Concrete benefits come to kids who literally count their blessings.

Gratitude works like a muscle. Take time to recognize good fortune, and feelings of appreciation can increase. Even more, those who are less grateful gain the most from a concerted effort. "Gratitude treatments are most effective in those least grateful," says Eastern Washington University psychology professor Philip Watkins.

A field of research on gratitude in kids is emerging, and early findings show that kids who literally count their blessings show concrete benefits. Diana Kapp explains on Lunch Break. Photo: Getty Images.

Among a group of 122 elementary school kids taught a weeklong curriculum on concepts around giving, gratitude grew, according to a study due to be published in 2014 in School Psychology Review. The heightened thankfulness translated into action: 44% of the kids in the curriculum opted to write thank-you notes when given the choice following a PTA presentation. In the control group, 25% wrote notes.

"The old adage that virtues are caught, not taught, applies here," says University of California, Davis psychology professor Robert Emmons. Parents need to model this behavior to build their children's gratitude muscle. "It's not what parents want to hear, but you cannot give your kids something that you yourselves do not have," Dr. Emmons says.

This may seems obvious, but it eludes many parents, Dr. Watkins says. "I think the most important thing for us adults to realize is we're not very grateful either," he says.

The mere act of giving thanks has tangible benefits, research suggests. A 2008 study of 221 kids published in the Journal of School Psychology analyzed sixth- and seventh-graders assigned to list five things they were grateful for every day for two weeks. It found they had a better outlook on school and greater life satisfaction three weeks later, compared with kids assigned to list five hassles.

Another study examined 1,035 high-school students outside New York City. The study, published in 2010 in the Journal of Happiness Studies, found that those who showed high levels of gratitude, for instance thankfulness for the beauty of nature and strong appreciation of other people, reported having stronger GPAs, less depression and envy and a more positive outlook than less grateful teens.

Further, teens who strongly connected buying and owning things with success and happiness reported having lower GPAs, more depression and a more negative outlook. "Materialism had just the opposite effect as gratitude—almost like a mirror," says study co-author Jeffrey Froh, associate professor of psychology at Hofstra University.

Internet shopping has made acquisition so easy, the value of goods can be harder to recognize. "Today, if one of our boys needs a new pair of shoes, my wife goes on Zappos, picks out the color and size, and they show up the next day in a FedEx FDX +1.13% box. No wishing. No prioritizing. No desiring for something that is out of touch. Just click the button, and presto, the shoes arrive on our doorstep," says Willy Walker, who heads commercial real estate finance firm Walker & Dunlop in Bethesda, Md. "It drives me crazy."

He has reacted to this reality—so different from how he'd eye a pair of Pumas at the store for months before ever getting them as a kid—with determination to keep consumption modest where possible. So, he hasn't set up the Wii his kids received as a present. "They get plenty of video entertainment all over, so why not scale back at home?" he says.

When his son wanted a cellphone for his 11th birthday, Mr. Walker set out to "get the Pinto rather than the Cadillac." In this case, his resolve fell away when challenged by factors like ease and quality. "The Pintos didn't really limit access to texting or Web-browsing. They just did everything worse than the more expensive phones. So we got him an iPhone 4S. Ugh."

A 2013 study in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin that tracked materialism in 355,000 high school seniors from 1976 to 2007 found that desire for lots of money has increased markedly since the mid-1970s, while willingness to work hard to earn it has decreased. Among kids surveyed, 62% thought it was important to have lots of money and nice things between 2005 and 2007, while 48% had this view from 1976 to 1978.

Enlarge Image

Kurt Gantert and Gabrielle Toledano post chores such as dishwashing and taking out the trash for their kids to do. Laura Morton for The Wall Street Journal

"This subject is huge for us," says Gabrielle Toledano, an executive vice president at videogame company Electronic Arts.EA +0.91% She and her husband live in San Francisco with their 9-year-old, Amelie, and 12-year-old, Ben. Ms. Toledano, and her husband Kurt Gantert, a camp director and stay-home dad, are deliberate about finding everyday ways to remind their kids how good they've got it.

"We eat family dinner every night and thank Dad for making it," Ms. Toledano says. "We talk about how I work hard so we can have nice food. If the kids don't come to the table when we call them, I tell them it's rude, because someone has made an effort," she says.

The couple is committed to their kids' having part-time jobs when they are old enough. "They should work in the back office or the kitchen," Ms. Toledano says. "There are interesting, hardworking people there. You learn more about gratitude when you have friends who aren't as privileged as you are," she says.

Despite good intentions, some parents are struggling with how to stoke the giving fires in their children. "It's an uphill battle," says Andrea Rice, president of professional development coaching business CareerCore. Her kids are 12 and 9. "We both work, so the kids have an au pair. They are shuttled from A to B. They don't really struggle much. Because that's their reality, it doesn't matter how much you say, 'Appreciate this, appreciate that,' " Ms. Rice says.

Everyday actions may be even more important than big efforts, researchers say. "Express gratitude to your spouse. Thank your kids," Hofstra's Dr. Froh says. "Parents say, 'Why should I thank them for doing something they should do, like clean their room?' By reinforcing this, kids will internalize the idea, and do it on their own."

Still, Eastern Washington's Dr. Watkins cautions, "Don't shove it down their throats." His family gives thanks at Thanksgiving, but it's not a formal process. "Don't make this, 'It's your turn, so say something whether you feel it or not,' " he says.

UC Davis's Dr. Emmons believes gratitude is actually easier for kids. "As we get older, the give and take of life is driven by expectations around tit-for-tat reciprocity. Kids have a natural affinity to gratitude. They often teach parents as much or more about gratitude than the other way around."

Relationships Are Reciprocal...Reminding Your Teen

I was meeting with a group of mom's the other day, and the issue of "Why can't our teen's just do what we ask them to do....after all, we give give give!" The "ask"at the center of this particular conversation was why can't my daughter just walk the dog when I ask her to, after all she wanted the damn dog! The excuse this daughter gave was: " FINE, but if I walk the dog that I'm gonna flunk my quiz tomorrow, cause then I won't have enough time to study. (Mind you the walk would have taken 10 minutes) And then that will be your fault!" Talk about shifting responsibility.

How many times has this exact conversation gone on in your house, only instead of dog walking, it was trash day, laundry to the basement,emptying the dishwasher etc etc etc. And when you "ask" most likely you get hooked into some kind of argument where you end of defending this request, which by the way requires no defending. My advice to this mom was to give him a shoulder shrug, and a see you in 10 minutes. And if by chance the kid didn't do well on that quiz, I can assure you it had absolutely nothing to do with a 10 minute dog walk.

So that's one strategy, the other one would be to walk the damn dog yourself, and the next time, that afternoon or evening or the next morning when your teen asks you to do something you can say: "you know honey I love doing things for you (like Jeremy's mom did) but since I had to do your job for you yesterday and walk the dog, I don't feel like doing you this for you today. We do for each other in this family, and I'm done out for today!"

The Best Way To Silence A Bully

Bullying is all about power. It is only fun to bully someone as long as the victim stays in that one down position.  In the moment, and in the middle of a bully's taunt that puts a kid in that one down position, most kids are unprepared and their reaction is often fuel for the bully, like showing fear, embarrassment, or attempts to avoid the bully. Like all new experiences in life, most kids are not prepared for the possibility that someone might deliberately want to humiliate them. As adults we hope that that type of situation won't happen to our kids, or that our kids won't be the perpetrators of bullying, and so most often we don't get around to dealing with it until after it happens.

Giving our kids strategies for those moments in life when they are unprepared is paramount. Humor,and sarcasm are very effective tools to help counter some of the the bully's attempts at humiliation. If you have a teen who is overweight and has been teased about it, helping them to come up with some quick retorts like, "big is beautiful, thanks for the compliment", or a sarcastic retort after a fat comment: "Ya think" or "ooh you're so observant" or, " I'm looking for a trainer, want to help me get in shape?"said with strength and power.

Actress Gabby Sidibe is a master at putting bullies in their place as seen in this tweet she posted to people who commented on her weight after photos that were posted after this past Sunday's Golden Globes Make sure you show this to your kids. She is the best teacher there is!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/13/gabourey-sidibe-weight-comments-golden-globes_n_4591417.html

Your Teen IS NOT YOU. And That's A Good Thing

When your kids were young, they wanted to be just like you.  They followed you around the house mirroring your activities, adopting your mannerisms, maybe you even had your "twin outfits." The boys had matching sweatshirts and caps, and the girls matching T's and sparkly shoes. You would make suggestions of how to do things, and activities you thought they might try, and these 8 and 9 year olds would jump at the chance to please you.  No coincidence that they might also be activities that you enjoy, as you imagine ten years hence playing doubles together on the tennis courts, or skiing down the black diamond trail together, or getting season tickets to the ballet or spending crisp fall afternoons eating chicken wings in front of the tube as you catch your favorite football game.

It all seems so idyllic back them. The future of this relationship between parent and child. And then BANG, they have to get all teenagery on you. Rather than wanting to be just like you, like they used to, now they want to be anything but you. I have met with a number of parents recently who just DON'T get who their teen is these days. One parent I met with described his teen years as studious, and hard-working. He wasn't that social, didn't party much, and now has a daughter who is social, not so much into her school work, as she is into facebook. He just doesn't get her, and feels constantly disappointed by her. Another parent I met, who has many interests and passions just doesn't "get" that her teen seems not to be interested in anything but her friends. Her grades are good, but from the mom's point of view her daughter's life seems empty and shallow. Another parent who is the coach of his son's soccer team, laments his son wanting to quit the team. The kid has lost interest in the game, embarrasses him during practice and matches by putting little effort into his play.

What does it all mean? Why are they so different now? Why does life have to change? Because first of all, they aren't you! As young children, kids are developmentally driven to please. Their parents are their #1's and school-aged children's primary goal is to love and be loved by their parents. We actually call this the "good girl/ good boy phase. If playing soccer or the violin seems to make you happy, then soccer and violin it is..... until it isn't. It may be that your kid has real talent in an area, and you see a future down the line, college scholarships, concerts and competitions, trophy's and newspaper articles. And just when its all looking so promising, BOOM, your teen wants to quit! And by golly by god no one in this family is a quitter. Well maybe, your teen really doesn't like playing the violin or playing soccer, and now that their teen brain allows them a different perspective they express their distaste.

I once worked with a 16 year teen who had been swimming competitively since she was 7. She was really good, winning many meets for her team. The coach was ecstatic, her parents euphoric. Here is how she saw it.  Early early morning practices, after school practices, weekend meets, she was sick of the whole business and after 9 years was ready to pack it in. The coach was furious, her parents were beyond disappointed, this was the team's star swimmer. How could she bail now? It seems it was never really her dream. She was a pleaser, and swimming seemed to make all the important people in her life happy, so she swam her little heart out. But the sad truth of it was she actually didn't like swimming all that much, and now as a teen, and thinking with this new brain of hers, she was sorting that all out for herself and speaking up. It wasn't pretty. It actually was a courageous decision she made, but unfortunately the adults in her life didn't see it that way. She was a disappointment to them, and made that quite clear to her. A divide as wide as the Grand Canyon occured between this teen and her parents. No happy ending here.

Here is a story with a happy ending. Two wonderful, supportive, loving parents came to see me because they were worried that their relationship with their 15 year old son was deteriorating. They were serious, academic types, and always had been. School was always their priority during their teen years. As teenagers, they each had a few close friends, and a quiet social life. They had two children. Their older daughter was just like them. She was a studious, quiet girl in her teen years. Studying hard, and stayed in most weekend nights with a friend or two watching movies. Aah, life was good for these parents and their daughter. Their son on the other hand was gregarious, and outgoing, had a ton of friends, was on the football team of all things, and couldn't have been more different from his parents. These parents were desperate to find connection with their son. One night I got a phone call from the dad asking for my opinion. It seems his son had come to him asking for a BB gun. "Oh yeah, right, I don't think so," said the dad. The dad asked if he done the right thing. I actually saw an opportunity here for connection. BB guns couldn't have been further outside this dad's comfort zone or interest area. But I encouraged him to go online and find out the laws about how old you had to be to purchase a gun. Dad did the research, and found out that you had to be 18. His son wouldn't have been able to buy it anyway. I told the dad to say to the son: "I get that BB guns are fun,  but the law says you are too young to buy one.  How about if I buy one and the deal is we have to do BB gunning together. The son, only hearing a BB gun was in the mail, agreed. And so began a partnership. The boy and his dad set up a garage shooting gallery, and went out to the woods for target practice. Other boys often joined them, and it became an amazing chance for them to connect. Some weeks later the dad called me to report this event. It had been 10 PM one night, the dad just going off to bed, and his son came and asked if he wanted to play a game of chess. The dad was stunned. This was an activity they had shared when his son was younger, but not for years, as chess became "uncool" and his "dad's thing". Though the dad was ready for bed, he instinctively knew his son was reaching out and he took his hand. 

I love this story. I think this teen "got" that his dad was willing to join his world, even if it wasn't comfortable. He felt respected and accepted. And in turn, wanted to give back to his dad with a game of chess. I don't think this kid thought all this consciously, but I am a therapist and it is my job to  interpret, and so I will.  This teen felt a connection to his dad that felt familiar, and probably hadn't felt for a while. In a moment of whatever, asked his dad to play chess. Thanks Freud!

Accept and embrace your teen's differences. They can be just as rewarding and fun as your sameness!

The Power of Mother

One of my facebook "friends" posted this the other day. It is a heartfelt letter from a daughter to her mother sharing her thoughts about self-image and how her mother's unknowing influence has affected that. Read this and below you will find a blog I wrote several years ago about a similar experience I had with my own daughter. As mother's we wield great power over our daughters, not the kind of power that makes them do their homework, or come in on time, or to clean their room, but the kind of power that lasts long after your child has left home for good. We need to be aware of this power, and make sure we use for the positive not the negative.


https://medium.com/human-parts/bf5111e68cc1?fb_action_ids=10201967273996132&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%5B512929735481379%5D&action_type_map=%5B%22og.likes%22%5D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D

2011

Over Thanksgiving I had a chance to spend some time with my beloved daughter. She was lovingly telling me how beautiful I looked. (I am turning 60 next week and I take in every compliment that is paid to me) Don't be jealous, she is 28 now, and a full on adult. Anyway, over the summer I had some "work" done, and that's all I will say about it, but it has definitely made me feel differently about the way I look, the way I carry myself, and the way I feel about myself. My daughter's comment was the beginning of a conversation about "getting" that. I was saying to her that I felt more confident and more attractive than at any other time of my life, even now at 60.  And here is what my daughter said to me:

"When I was a teen, and you and I would be together, people would always say, you look just like your mother. But then you would say: 'oh no, I'm fat, I'm not pretty, Ari looks like her dad.' But what I took away was,  if people say you look like your mother, and your mother says she is fat and ugly, therefore, if I look like my mom, I must be fat and ugly too."

This was a stunning revelation for both of us. I always felt that by saying that she didn't look like me, that that would make her feel better about herself, because I never felt that great about my "looks."  But that is not how she heard it. My daughter spent all of her teen years, and even now as a young adult who is absolutely stunning, thinking that she is still that chubby preteen, not pretty, who looks like and feels like how her mother feels. Talk about identification. If I had only known that my good intentions to make her feel better about herself had had the opposite affect.

Our daughters see themselves reflected in us. Good or bad, academically inclined or not, athletic or athletically challenged, social or shy, serious or fun, ambitious or not. As teens they want to be everything we are not, but when they move on to young adulthood, they see more clearly how connected they are to us.  What you say, and model about how you feel about yourself has tremendous impact on how your daughters than feel about themselves. So if you are always putting yourself down,  or have those moments of self-loathing probably better if you don't share those with your daughter. Learn from my experience. My daughter has modeled many of my positive qualities as well, and of course that makes me happy, and she is also very much her own person and nothing like me, but, she does carry with her a backpack full of self-doubt, and I am afraid that somewhere along the line, I put some of my own stuff in there.

We all want out daughters to head out into the world confident and assertive women, proud of who they are, and what they have to offer. Show them how it's done!

It's Only A Moment In time...Really

The truth, all the things that drive you crazy about your teen last only 7-10 years. I know that seems like an eternity, but it really does grow fast. All my daughter's friends who I love and adored as teens and now as young  men and women turning thirty are all amazing. They are accomplished, successful, driven, have beautiful homes, some have children, healthy wonderful partners and really happy lives. They did everything your teens are now doing. They had messy rooms, were sometimes disrespectful and bratty to their parents, never put their dishes in the dishwasher, didn't always get their homework done on time, had questionable relationships, partied, were late for curfew, etc etc  etc. Just like all normal teens. And then they grew up. And all that they embraced from their families, and all that they learned from living their lives have made them into the wonderful adults they are today.

Parenting power is all about having perspective.

Helping Your Teen Get To Calm

Last spring I wrote the blog you see below with really interesting scientific studies around teens and text anxiety, so I won't repeat myself and just let you read it for yourselves. This past vacation looking for some new ways to learn how to relax and destress for myself, I came upon this site and iphone app: calm.com.  It has been a godsend and I wanted to share it with you in hopes that you might convince (read bribe) your teen to give it a try. It is something he/she can download on their phone, iPad etc, and use their earbuds to silence the world around them. The good news is that for non-believers, as in meditation is stupid, why would anyone want to sit alone and think about nothing for 10 minutes, this could be a game changer. This app gives you choices to address what ails you at any particular moment in time, and allows you to choose to experience either 2, 5 or 10 minutes of bliss. Topics include: Calm, Anxiety release, confidence, creativity, energy, focus,forgiveness,gratitude, inner peace, inner strength,motivation,positivity, self-acceptance and sleep. What teenager doesn't suffer from a lack of any one of these?

The tape provides a few moments of relaxation, and then affirmations that relate to each topic. So they are a combination of Yoga Nidre meditation relaxation, some visualizations and affirmations to get your mind on board with your body. Teens brains are on overload, this is a simple way to de-clutter. Cognitive behavioral therapy, which is what affirmations are, help to replace the bad and sometimes irrational tapes in your head, "I can't do this; its too hard; or I know I'm gonna flunk that test; or, I'm fat; I'm ugly; nobody likes me; or I hate school;" to something more positive and motivating. Of course there will be resistance, since when will you teen think that anything you suggest is smart and useful. So don't get defensive or angry. Offer to do it together, or for every 10 minutes they quiet their brain, you'll pay to download one of their favorite tunes. It's worth a try.

And by the way, these would be amazing for parents as well. Imagine yourself, sitting in your car, waiting for you teen who is late, who you had a fight with in the morning before you both left for school and work, whose room is a mess, who is wayyy behind on homework, and has been a real pill. Maybe 5 minutes of "forgiveness" while you're sitting in the car, will vaporize your impulse to argue as soon as they enter the car.

We all need to get to calm

For those of you who have teens with test anxiety, this article found at the bottom of this page will be a god send. Perhaps PSATs or SATs are in your teen's near future, or your state's school achievement tests, or maybe just a chapter quiz on his/her math or history chapter. Whatever it is, you may be dreading these tests more than your teen, knowing how stressed and anxious your teen gets when any testing situation rears it's ugly head. Well it turns out, that how stressed your teen, or any age kid for that matter gets, has everything to do with biology and genes.

Scientists have isolated a particular gene-COMT that is responsible for maintaining an optimal level of dopamine in the pre-frontal cortex of the brain. This is the executive functioning part of the brain, that is responsible for thinking. Some of us have either of one particular variant of this gene, and others of us have a combo of both.

Variant 1 COMT gene clears the dopamine from the brain slowly. Under non-stressful conditions this allows for optimal learning. Usually variant 1 holders are intelligent and good learners. However under stressful situations,when dopamine floods their brain, and it can't clear the dopamine fast enough, these people crumble under stress. Think of a car engine that usually runs very well, but when the engine floods, no go. Some of you may have teens who are extremely good students, study hard and get good grades, but when they are tested, like in an SAT, their scores are much lower that expected, given their consistency of good grades. This COMT is what is responsible, the brain literally is on dopamine overload.

Now the variant 2 COMT gene works just the opposite. It clears the dopamine from the brain very quickly. These are the kinds of learners who are often bored and lackadaisical. But for them, when they are in that same SAT stress-filled situation and the dopamine is flushing through their brain in great quantities, their brain get into high gear and they often do really well in testing situations. Think of mild-mannered Clark Kent who goes into the phone booth and blasts out of it as Superman. For those of you with kids like this, you will see low motivation for the boring repetitive nature of regular school, but get them in a testing situation they do amazing. So maybe you might see, mediocre grades but high test scores.

Some people have a combination of both COMT genes and are just right in the biology department of the brain.

Whew!!!! This is alot of science. Best to read the article below for the full explanation. But I do want to talk about how to use this information with your teens, I am a firm believer that knowledge is power. For those of you who have kids with the Variant 1 COMT- high anxiety stressful situations, just letting them know that there is a brain chemistry factor here may be a huge relief. These kinds of kids can be so hard on themselves when they fail to live up to their own expectations, judging themselves way more harshly than you or their teachers. Helping them to understand that when they get stressed, their brain can't function in the most optimal way. For these kids, it would be helpful to help them develop strategies for decreasing stress prior to these testing situations. Doing visualization exercises, imagining themselves feeling confident and relaxed during testing, or teaching them how to do relaxation breathing before going into a stressful situation. Download a meditation from Itunes they can listen to prior to engaging in a stressful situation. The most important thing is to give them the confidence that this is something they can change and work on and be in control of.

For your variant 2 COMT, it is not the testing situation that is their problem it is the more mundane of daily learning and working to keep their motivation up. You want to keep their brain flooded with dopamine at all times. These are kids who would work very well with incentives, and competitions, helping them to getting excited about something they can win/get after a challenge.

Where ever your kids fall in this continum, giving your kids the information gives them the power to be in control of their brain. And since the stage of Adolescence is all about power and control, it is a perfect match!
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/10/magazine/why-can-some-kids-handle-pressure-while-others-fall-apart.html?emc=eta1&_r=0

It's The First Week Back

Happy New Year. Yesterday was a busy day, a record number of calls from parents anticipating troubles in the new year. Perhaps there was "trouble in River City" over the holiday week. Maybe some incidents of drinking or drugs threw you for a loop, or realizing that the last 3 weeks of the term are closing in and there are assignments still unfinished, or maybe you are smack in the middle of the final weeks of college apps, and you and your senior are feeling the anxiety of deadlines. Take a deep breath. Getting all crazy, and starting back on the nagging train will not help. Best to just ease into it slowly, that's what your teen will need to do.

Rather than starting right in with the "did you finish/start/do your__________________? How about using this "I Get It" moment. "Hey honey, what are you dreading most about going back to school?" Just a simple question like that let's your teen know that you get how hard it is to transition back to the daily grind. A little empathy goes a long way.  And when they walk in the door after school today, rather than getting right back into the multitude of questions that have plagued you all day about homework, projects and meetings with guidance counselors, give them some space. The first day back pretty much sucks. How many of you were dreading the rush today of alarm clocks, lunches, carpools and that's just the kids stuff, then add to that your work, and your deadlines. See, you and your kids are not all that different. Misery LOVES company!