Have We learned Our Lessons Yet? The Smartphone War, KIDS VS PARENTS

 Do not buy your elementary or middle school kids a Smartphone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wrote this part of one of my blogs in 2011!!!! I was for the most part ignored. Techy people extolled them as a wonderful way for kids to stay connected to both you and their friends and parents found it hard to say no! There was no research at that point pointing the finger as to the dangers of phones and social media. I hate saying this...BUT I TOLD YOU SO! Now here we are 14 YEARA LATER!!! I am begging you here. I can't tell you the number of calls I get from parents who have given their elementary and middle school teens this kind of phone, then get mad at their kids for misusing it. I will say this loud and clear. IT IS YOUR FAULT. Temptation is the mantra of childhood and adolescence. If they had self-control, if they were not impulsive, if they knew when enough was enough, if they weren't so easily distracted and able to keep their attention on something for longer than 3 minutes, then they would be an adult!!. They do not have the capacity to set limits on themselves especially with a device that does everything for them except make their bed. 

Do your elementary and middle school kids have smartphones!

At an event I spoke at last night for a small group of moms with 4th -6th graders, per usual, I asked how many of their kids were the proud owners of smartphones. If you have been reading my blog regularly you know by now that giving kids smartphones makes me crazy. Anyway, 3/4 of the hands shot up. As usual I gave my old fuddy duddy rant about why I think smartphones are hazardous to a teen's health. This rant can be found in any number of my previous blogs, so I won't bore you with it here. But the deed was already done, so I decided to focus more on the process by which these phones ended up in their teens hands. The common thread whenever and wherever I ask this question is: "All their friends have one and we didn't want them to feel left out." 

You are soooo mean!!!

OK being left out is not having a phone at all. I understand the relentless pressure kids can exert when they want something really really badly. They know just what buttons to push. They know just how to make you feel guilty that somehow you are not as good a parent as their friends parents, if you don't allow them to do X or buy them X. So in your effort to make your kids happy, and therefore make your life easier you cave. The message sent to your kids here is if you want something really badly, be persistent, make them feel guilty, never let up, and eventually you will succeed

Developmentally kids and preteens are driven to conformity. They want what everyone else has. They want to look like everyone else, they want to listen to the same music, have the same clothes, eat the same food, drink the same water, have the same backpack, play the same video games, watch the same TV shows all in the name of fitting in. Conformity plays a huge part in giving teens a sense of sameness and peace as they struggle with the difficult task of developing an identity. They are being bombarded with changes in their brains and in their bodies, and the sameness takes away some of the angst. So, if it isn't unsafe or disrespectful, I am all for the cloning of teens. It is a temporary state, and as they move into the later teen years, they start to nail down their own particular brand of who they are, and the whole conformity thing falls by the wayside.

Your job

Your role in all this is to judge what is unsafe or disrespectful. There may be many things that your teen wants to do, watch trashy TV or buy brand names of items that are ridiculously overpriced, that go against your values but are not unsafe or disrespectful. You just don't like it, and therefore don't want your teen to have it or do it. In these cases I recommend saying: "I get how important it feels to you to have X product  like your friends. ( I'm hearing now that 8 year old kids are hot for a $30 lip balm sold only at Sephora!!!) They seem like a lot of money to me, but I get how important they are to you, so here is the $XX I would have spent for you, and you are welcome to use your birthday money or your savings to add to it and get what you want."In the Sephora example, I think chap stick coats $2.00! In this scenario, you take care of yourself, and give your kid the choice to get what he/she wants without you having to totally give your support and go against your own values. Here is the thing, there will be things your kid and teens want, or events they want to go to that are unsafe.  Here you will need to draw the line, even if there are other parents who aren't. This is hard, this makes you unpopular, this creates havoc. I get that completely. Whether it is a smartphone that gives your teen unlimited access to more distraction than their little brain can handle, or a concert that takes them too far from home on a school night, or not allowing them to go to a house that you feel is unsupervised and therefore unsafe, these are the unpopular decisions parents must make. When you make those kinds of decisions judiciously, your teen understands that you are concerned with the big picture and of their safety. 

The Rolling Stones had it right in their song "You can't always get what you want." That goes for your kids and teens and for you. You won't always be the most popular parents. You won't always be the "mean parents" either.  But you do have to be the smart parents. Trust your gut. If you are saying yes to something even though your gut is saying no. Stop and figure out why. Of course we want to make our kids happy, and often we give in on things cause we love to see the smile and appreciation on our kids and teens faces no matter how fleeting it might be. And many times we can "give in" and feel OK about it. Just make sure that whenever you feel that gut pulling you in another direction, ask yourself, is this safe?

This story appeared in today's New York Times. In 2011 when I started writing about this, the research had not been done. Now it has!!!! Information is power!https://www.nytimes.com/2025/06/18/health/youth-suicide-risk-phones.html

For parent coaching and seminar presentations : joani@joanigeltman.com  781-910-1770



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Is It Just A Bad Day: Or Is It Depression?

 I have had a number of calls recently from parents worried about their teen, trying to figure out whether their teen is just having growing pains, or is in a real depression. Teens love to dump on their parents, giving them their most angry, their most sad, their most anxious and fearful feelings. This is the good news. Think of it as colic. When the bad stuff gets expelled, then sleep and peace can come...until the next time.

Teens are feeling their feelings in ways they have never experienced them before. The intensity comes from an adolescent brain that is over activated in the area responsible for emotion, and literally from having some of these feelings for the first time. Without experience and a history that would have given them a game plan to deal with these feelings that are overwhelming, they are vulnerable to feeling like they might never go away. The first break-up, a humiliation on a soccer field, or a stage, the embarrassment of doing something or saying something impulsively stupid in front of your peers, the disappointment that someone you like doesn't like you back, the worry that they are disappointing you in some way, or any one of a million other things can feel like a catastrophe.

So your kid comes to you in a rage, in a tantrum, sobbing uncontrollably and you feel helpless. But they are coming to you. Like a sponge, you absorb every drop of emotion. You can't sleep, you can't eat, you live with a pit in your stomach that your kid is in pain. But here is the thing, now that they have dumped it all on you and you have so graciously sopped it all up, they are free to go out and enjoy life again. Rinse and repeat!

When is it time to worry? The dumping is a good sign. The emotion is a good sign. They are working it out.  It may be hard on you, but at least they have an outlet. The worry should start, if they are not talking, isolating themselves, and really seem to have lost the up and down nature of teen life. Up and down is good. Staying down is not.  If you see your teen spending increasing amounts of time alone, in their room, avoiding family and friends, you might say something like this: " I have noticed recently that you seem more down than usual. You seem to be spending a lot of alone time in your room away from us and your friends. I get life can be complicated and difficult and sometimes overwhelming, and you might like just getting away from it all. I used to do that to sometimes. But I worry that you are not giving yourself a chance to talk about it. If you don't want to talk to us, I understand, maybe it would be helpful to talk to a counselor. I don't want to bug you, but I love you, and want you to work out what seems to be bothering you. I'll check back in with you in a few days, and we can talk about a plan." You will probably get a "leave me alone!" but don't let that deter you. Keep checking in, and letting them know that you are concerned. Eventually, you may just have to make an appointment and make them get in the car.

Seeing your teen be in pain is the worst. Giving them a safe haven to express it is a gift.

For more info about Joani's seminars or parent coaching:

joani@joanigeltman.com    781-910-1770

The Last Summer: Saying Goodbye To Your Graduating Senior

 What should you expect from your graduating senior before they are off to college?NOTHING!!!! No really, I mean nothing! Here you are, feeling all warm and fuzzy with graduation approaching. Nostalgic for your little girl or boy, all grown up and off on a new post-high school adventure. You pull out all the old photo albums and gaze longingly at the years that have whizzed by, and try to prepare yourself for life's next stage, having a child move away from home. You find yourself welling up with tears, as you do your son's/daughter's laundry, or pick up the dirty dishes they have left on the floor of their room or in the family room, knowing that in just a few months their room will no longer have that whiff of dirty laundry as you walk by. Everything annoying and maddening your  almost graduate did before this pending graduation, now seems sweeter and memorable.

OK, so maybe that only lasts a few days. Because, the expectation that your now almost high school graduate will suddenly become equally as nostalgic as you is blown to pieces by the seemingly instant sense of entitlement he/she seems to be exhibiting. Where is the thanks for the wonderful party and gift you will be giving him/her?  Where are the thank you notes for the generous gifts that will be given by the cast of thousands that will come to your graduation party and includes their friend's parents, your friends, family, neighbors, and anyone else who has ever known them. Suddenly, your  almost graduate is nowhere to be found. You are left in the dust, with "bye, won't be home for dinner, maybe sleeping out, don't know when I'll be home!"

You are dumbfounded, thinking that their last summer home will be filled with family dinners, cozy family movie nights, a family vacation,  and shopping trips to Target. If only they would stay home long enough to make some plans. Well, kiss those plans goodbye, because all their nostalgic moments are being saved up for and with their friends. The friends they will be leaving in only a few short months, maybe never to be heard from again, or at least until Thanksgiving. Prepare yourself.  Your graduate will be glued to their friends this summer. They will take top priority over everyone and everything. And if you don't understand the importance of "the last summer before college," your feelings will be hurt over and over again. My advice, don't take it personally. The drama of and the process of saying goodbye to high school friends takes these next four months. Of course they will miss you too, but you never really go away, and truly, many of their friends will. How many of you still have close relationships with high school friends, that is before facebook brought everyone right back to you.

Your teen's absence in these coming months will feel like a betrayal. Don't let it become a source of anger between you and your teen. Use "I Get It" conversations to help them to understand what you are feeling by understanding what they are feeling. " I get saying goodbye to your friends is hard. I know how much you will miss them, and probably worry that you won't find anyone as wonderful as (fill in the blank with some real names) I get you want to spend as much time as you can with them this summer, and I want you to do just that. But honey, your old ma/pa is gonna miss you too. I hope that we can find some time together as well before you go. Let's figure out how best to do that"

Your teen is also hiding away a lot of anxiety and worry. Worry that they will not be happy, worry that they will be homesick (yes they really do worry about that even if they aren't saying it), worry about keeping up with all the school work without you around to keep them on task, worry they won't know how to deal with money issues, laundry issues, and all the other millions of things they know they can depend on you for. And you know how your graduate will deal with all this worry? By being a big pain in the ass! They will seem like they are irritated with you, bothered by you and will set up all sorts of fights with you. Don't bite! Rather than looking and feeling like a needy little child, they will behave "as if" they don't need you at all, and will set up all kinds of arguments to prove that point. It's easier to leave angry than sad.

Also your graduating teen may now feel that rules no longer apply to them. After all they are 18 and all grown up. In some ways, they are right. In only a few short months they really will be on their own. So rather than having a bunch of rules this summer that they will flaunt. Take it day by day. Let them know that you "get" that they want to be independent this summer, but you still need to know that they are safe. Set up a system (not rules) so that they can keep you posted and in the loop so that you won't need to be checking up on them. The rules they will resent, but a system seems less controlling. They are teaching you to let go. Let them!

Need a quick tip to get through summer issue with your kids. Short term parent coaching is for you.

joani@joanigeltman.com

781-910-1770