Money and Life Lessons

I was at my gym this morning, sweating to the oldies, and listening into a conversation between two moms working out next to me. One of the moms' was expressing her frustration and anger at her son who was a freshman in college who calls them very frequently asking for more money to be deposited in his account. Of course it's never his fault. But when they look into his account they see a lot of money spent on food delivery and abundant ATM withdrawals. Apparently he could have, but chose not to work a lot of hours at his summer job, even though, the mom said, they told him it would be his responsibility to get a job at school if he ran out of money. (At this point I shut off my music so I could hear better. The moral of this story, don't work out next to me, I'm always looking for new stories for my blog!)

This story was a familiar one for me as every year I ask the college freshman I teach what they feel unprepared for and what has been a big adjustment for them in this home to college transition. 

Many students expressed gratitude to their parents for teaching them how to take responsibility for themselves, both financially and  emotionally. These students felt a sense of personal satisfaction that if they wanted something they had to work to get it. Though they knew their parent's support was always available to them, they liked feeling "in control" of their life, and liked that their parents had confidence in their ability to make good decisions whether around academics, curfews, partying, friends, college etc. 

Conversely. many students felt unprepared for life on their own, and wished their parents had made them get a job when they were in high school,  and had given them more opportunities to be responsible for themselves, while the parental safety net was there. Now on their own, they are overwhelmed with all the daily decisions that they must make on their own. These students are calling or texting their parents multiple times a day just to get advice on some of the mundane tasks of daily living. I am sure that those parents who get these texts are grateful. It's almost like they've never left home. "They love me, they really love me!"

But it won't feel so cute when they are 25 and still calling you to find out how to make a doctor's appointment, take care of a bounced check, expired car registration, or empty bank account.  The time is now! So if you are a problem solver, a person of action who loves to take care of business, beware. Taking care of your teen's business will come back to haunt you in the future. Here are some suggestion for way to encourage independence.

When your teen comes to you for help with a life skills problem, I know you feel flattered, but resist the temptation to solve it for them. Instead ask questions that put them in the drivers seat like: "What do you see as some of the options?" "OK lets look at option 1, pros and cons" Take them through the process of how a decision is made. Remember teens today are impatient, they look for a quick response. But there are some things in life you can't google. It just takes old fashioned time. You solving their problems just feeds their need for instant gratification.

If you find yourself becoming your teen's personal ATM this summer, it might mean that your teen has lost awareness for how much and how he/she spends your money. So much of a teens life is magical. Using cell phones, computers, mom and dad's generosity, everything they want is literally in their fingertips. How about saying to your teen; "I am willing to give up to $$$ a month and then it's up to you if you want or need anything over and above." Just because your teen wants to go shopping every weekend that doesn't mean you have to shell out 40 bucks so they have some spending money. They may buy another T-shirt or video game, but because it was just a meaningless buy, no skin off their teeth, it ends up in a pile of other impulsive boredom buys. Do not just mindlessly buy or give your teen money. Make them work for something.  Don't deprive them of that feeling of pride when earned money is what buys them something. Maybe it's a job, maybe it's money for chores, but teaching them that you don't get something for nothing is a valuable lesson.

Would love your review of my book if you have read it, Here's the link if you have a minute.
:https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review?ie=UTF8&asin=0814433669&channel=reviews-product&nodeID=&ref_=cm_cr_pr_wr_but_top

When Kids Need their Parents To Change

Recently I read a sweet article called Dad, Can You Put Away The Laptop.  Its seems that our younguns, and I mean the 4-10 year old set do not like this new fangled technology. Why? Because it seems mom and dad spend more time on their "stupid" phones and laptops, and not enough time playing with them. Now if I was one of those parents, I would feel such guilt and sadness that my kids felt ignored by me that I would immediately shut off my phone, close my laptop and give them my undivided attention. What was so interesting about the parents interviewed was that was absolutely not their response. Their responses were loaded with a good dose of rationalization. Hello defense mechanisms!!!!  Here's is what one of them said: " If I didn't have a smart phone I wouldn't be able to do both. My kids can't really appreciate that if I spend 15 seconds (oh come on, you know its more than 15 seconds) to respond to an e-mail, than no ones' waiting for anything from me and I can be at the school play or concert." OK so what if someone is waiting for you. Unless you are on a suicide hotline, or a doctor saving a life, I honestly can't see how waiting till your kids are asleep to answer your e-mails will make much difference. But that's just me. Life is about setting limits. Modeling for your kids on how to set limits on yourself is an important life skill. Certainly work is important, but we work at home now, because we can. One 10 year old,who was sick and tired of having dinners with her family constantly being interrupted by parents who would "take a few bites of food and then open their phones finally told them: " You shouldn't always be on your phones because we barely get to see other. I only really see them in the morning when we're rushing to get to school and at dinner I felt kind of ignored!" Good for her!

Parents, you reap what you sow. You cannot have it both ways. You cannot constantly be on your phones and laptops, and then get mad at your teens for taking too long to get their homework done. Monkey see. monkey do! You are the most important model in your child's life. Whether its driving and talking on your phone, or being on your phone while at their games and concerts, or at a family dinner; or having a glass of wine at a family party, or at a restaurant out with your kids, and then getting behind the wheel of a car to drive, your kids are watching every little thing you do. And when it comes time for them to make these decisions for themselves that will ultimately affect their safety, you will be the model they look towards for common practice. "Why should I disconnect when you don't, they will argue, or "you drink and drive," or you talk/text and drive. And honestly, there is no retort that isn't completely hypocritical.

 Showing your family that they are priority #1 is the most meaningful gift you could ever give them. Much cheaper than giving them IPhones. Have a technology free family time, that everyone commits to. Even though it feels like forever, you don't have your kids with you for that long. Make that time count!

PS If you have read my book A Survival Guide To Parenting Teens, Talking To Your Kids About Sexting, Drinking, Drugs, and Other Things That Freak You Out and feel like posting a review on Amazon, I would be very grateful.https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review?ie=UTF8&asin=0814433669&channel=reviews-product&nodeID=&ref_=cm_cr_pr_wr_but_top

When Teens Ask For Advice

When your teen asks you for advice, you think you have hit the holy grail of parenting! But the truth often is that they need you to say the wrong thing, (from their point of view)so they can disagree with you. The disagreeing is the teenage brain's way of saying, I can do it, I can stand on my own two feet.

How frustrating!! Of course you know you are right! How could you not be with so many years of life experience behind you, and an intimate understanding of this young person standing in front of you. And it feels hurtful to be discounted and ignored. But try not to take it personally. The advice you have given may in fact have parked itself away in your teen's brain and been spouted off to a friend sounding like it was his/her idea all along. Unfortunately you may not have had a ticket to the performance, limited seating only, reserved for friends, not parents!

And if you feel like they don't really want or need your advice when they come to you for it, maybe they just need a place to vent or talk out loud. A "Tell me what you think" rather than a "here's what I think you should do!" might get you more satisfaction from the conversation.

Here is a piece of advice: Here is an app that all teens should have on their phone called circle of 6. This is an app that can protect your teen in situations that are getting out of control. With a simple touch of the screen they can alert you and 5 other people when they need help and are in an unsafe situation. This is a must use and invaluable app to keep your teen safe.http://www.circleof6app.com

Teens and Internet Addiction: I'm Not Done Yet!

Watch and then we'll talk

http://www.today.com/parents/secret-life-teens-internet-addiction-changes-boy-shell-son-1D80153806

Full disclosure here, I have never been a gamer, except for pong( which I loved by the way, and could have played for hours). I have never played a modern day video game, so what I am about to say here is more psychological and theoretical than anything based on my own experience. But as is the case with most everything, too much of a good thing can be bad.

A Boston Globe article a few years back had a really interested op-ed about some some new research on kids who are gamers. The author of the article, a gamer himself in a previous life wrote this about his own experience with video games when he tried to go to sleep after marathon play: "I could still feel and see myself moving around the game’s corridors and rooms, especially when I closed my eyes. There was a strange buzz, too — it was as though some of the neurons that had been tasked with solving the game’s puzzles were continuing to try to do so well into the wee hours of the morning."

Could this describe your teen? I have had a number of parents describe to me the reaction of their teen when they take their kid's X-box away for a punishment. All hell breaks loose,  with tantrums, screaming, yelling, and even sometimes violence. Behavior that mirrors heroine addicts in withdrawal. Video games are addictive. They provide your teen with many carrots. Many kids who are attracted to video games are shy, have difficulty in making and keeping friends, and feel inadequate in their studies. Video games provide them with a community of people who not only accept them but probably seek them out. He (and I say he, because mostly we are talking about boys) feels an enormous sense of competence, in maybe the only thing in his life where he gets that boost in self-esteem.  Finally he develops a dependence on the stimulation that video games provide. That is a pretty powerful package.

The study cited in this article, which described research on boys 13-21 who were committed gamers found the following: The results show that video games could trigger “intrusive thoughts, sensations, impulses, reflexes, optical illusions, and dissociations.’’ None of this is good, growth producing stuff. Your teens need your help. They can not and will not reduce the amount of time they spend playing without direct intervention from you. This will not be fun. Just want to put that out there. Your kid will become a terror, throw fits like a crazy person, and may even become a crazy person as they adjust to more reasonable and normal time spent on their video games.

Here is what I recommend. Go the site: Familysafemedia.com and investigate the various products they sell to help parents control video play. Most of these devices allow you to preset the times and length of availability to play. It works like a DVR, with the ability to turn on the game only at predetermined times, and shuts down the same way. This takes away the power struggle that occurs when parents attempt to stop a session and your teen is in the middle of something, (they are always in the middle of something, needing to get to the next level. Teens who become addicted to gaming lose interest in most everything else. School takes a very back seat, as does normal social interaction with peers and family. If your kid has a laptop, or Iphone you will need to address these as well. Shut off one source and they will find another. Limit the amount of play time, and let your teen decide how he wants to divide it up. If you decide on 3 hours a day, does he want it in one block or divided up over the day. This gives him some control over how he likes to play. In any case, they absolutely won't like this. Anticipate the worst so you aren't caught off guard. And use understanding and empathy. Here is your "I get it moment." " Honey, I get how hard this will be for you. I know you are really good at this and you don't understand why we are making such a big deal about this. But too much gaming really affects your brain. I know that may seem crazy to you, but that is the truth. It is our job to keep you healthy, and safe. We love you, and want you to be able to play but not make it your life."

A Good Time For Reflection

As this is the first day of the Jewish New Year, rather than write my usual blog I thought I would share this with you. Rosh Hashanah is "my" holiday. This is the one holiday that I host every year. I love the rituals, the food, and the people who share our table. Last year I wanted to mark this holiday in a new way so I searched for something that would be meaningful for everyone, no matter how old, and no matter where and what was going on in each of our complicated lives. Everyone at the table was moved and so I thought I would share it here. One thing I love about this holiday is that it emphasizes the importance of reflection, or taking stock of our own lives, who and what is really important. No matter what religion or belief each person has, taking the time to think about ourselves is a gift we give to ourselves and those whose lives we touch. So please, take a moment and think about your life.

  A PRAYER FOR THE NEW YEAR

As we stand at the threshold of a New Year, we pray:

May our dear ones be near to us,

And may our near ones be dear to us.

May our road of life be straight and smooth;

But may it also be marked by hills that challenge,

And by turns which add variety and interest to our journey.

May our ideas have wings, but may they always find anchor

in reality. May our lives be peaceful, but may our minds grapple with ideas, and our hearts wage war with cruelty and deceit.

May our storehouses be full, and our hearts fuller still.

May we learn to find joy in that which we have, rather than regret for that which we have lost.

What's In Your Medicine Cabinet?

Watch and then we'll talk!
http://www.today.com/parents/prescription-drug-abuse-part-secret-life-teens-1D80157066

This is a pretty simple one. Have trouble sleeping and have some Ambian, Lunestra, Tylenol PM in your medicine cabinet, or maybe even next to your bed? How about those root canals? Have any tylenol with Codeine, or something stronger to take the edge off? Have you had back trouble, knee trouble, shoulder trouble? ( I know getting older sucks) Anway has your doc given you some heavy duty pain pills to help you get through the day. If you have answered yes to any one of these questions you need to lock up your drugs!! Maybe your teen isn't interested, or maybe he/she is, but their friends might be. Even though your bedroom and bathroom is off limits to your kids and their friends, that doesn't mean that when you're out, a reconnaissance trip may be in progress, by either or both of these parties. Kids are curious about what's hidden in your hideaway. I can't tell you how many teens used to regale me with stories about finding their parent's porn in the bedroom closet. When I asked why they would go into their parents bedroom at all, their answer was, plain old curiosity. There is nothing more fun for a teen than finding out their parents secrets. Don't we want to know theirs???

So get a lock box. Yes it's a pain, but after listening to these teens' stories, doesn't it make sense?

Teens and Anxiety: I'm Not Perfect

Watch this video and then we'll talk.
http://www.today.com/video/today/56063660#56063660

The Today Show is doing this wonderful series on The Secret Lives Of Teens which I will discuss over the next 3 blogs

The teens featured in this video articulate beautifully what I think are pretty universal stressors of teens life.

• Parental pressure and expectations
• Worries about the future
• Social Networking and the false self

I had a conversation recently with  a parent who has the "perfect daughter." Extremely smart and well spoken, lovely to her parents, loved by teachers, and has an active social life filled with equally smart and lovely kids. Sounds too good to be true doesn't it? Guess what? It is too good to be true. On a recent morning, mom went in to wake her teen up, and noticed that her room was trashed, not just messy but intentionally trashed. Turns out, that the pressure cooker that was sizzling inside this terrific kid, finally burst. She confessed that she had had a bad night, and feels depressed and anxious. This came as a complete and total shock to his parents. She had been playing her role as the perfect teen with perfection, until she couldn't.

You may have that teen who has breezed their way through school seemingly effortlessly. Good grades, great behavior, but unbeknownst to you there is a storm brewing. Some kids hit high school with a slam. Perhaps school has been pretty easy, but now the honors classes are piling up, and everyone's expectations are high, this is a star! College acceptances will be plentiful. Life is good. Only now, the work is actually hard, and it isn't coming so easy anymore, maybe they aren't really as smart as everyone thinks. And now there are more distractions. Maybe his/her social life has finally kicked in, and he/she realizes that being with friends is way more fun that reading gobs of books. And with this new social life comes stressors. Who do I like, do they like me, etc etc. Life is not so easy anymore.

If this sounds like your teen, don't wait for an explosion. Give your teen the permission not to be perfect.  Pre-emptively, before a crisis, ask your teen whether he/she feels pressured by you in any way. Let them know that you get how hard it must feel sometimes to please all the people in his/her life who expect great things from them, ie parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches. Ask them if there is anything you could do differently to take some of the pressure off. Remember it is not your teen's job to meet your expectations and goals for for them. 

I especially was touched by the young woman who talked about social networking and the false self she put online. There is soooooooooo much pressure for teens to use twitter and instagram, and tumblr and facebook, snapchat etc to present a particular persona, which may be completely out of sync with what is really going on inside of them. Giving your teen a social networking nightly sabbatical may at first make them furious with you, but later on will provide them with a much needed break from the superficial chatter. It may take a few days, but parents have told me that their teens eventually felt such relief from the 24/7 relentless need to post. 

Just because your teen doesn't appear to be stressed, don't assume that they aren't. They have become pretty good at giving you what they think you want. And maybe their fear of disappointing you gets in the way of letting them see their messy self. Which by the way, we all have! By the way, watch this video with your teen. Great conversation starter!!