When Your Teen Was Two!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4A6Bu96ALOw

I just feel a need for a little lightness. Watching this video makes me smile. There is just not that much difference between your teen and his/her two year old self. Remember your fiercely independent, demanding, and self-involved toddler!

Adolescence is truly a reenactment of the terrible twos. The developmental issues are almost exactly the same. Two and three year olds have figured out that they are literally separate human beings,with the ability to think for themselves, and move around their world on their own, all brand new ideas. And with this realization comes a new found feeling of power and control. See just like your teen.

So when your teen's bossiness and narcissism grates on your nerves, just picture them in their car seat, being all cute and bossy, and remember that it is just a stage!

Do You Have Different Standards For Your Sons Than Your Daughters

This is a fascinating article about differing gender expectations. Did you know in google searches parents googled: is my son gifted? vs most googles for daughters; is my daughter fat? And the truth apparently is that girls, at least in the early years have a better vocabulary and seem "smarter" than boys. Do we want our boys to be smart and our girls to be pretty? Food for thought. Read the article, it might make you look at your own gender stereotypes, it made me look at mine!
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/19/opinion/sunday/google-tell-me-is-my-son-a-genius.html?hp&rref=opinion

How To Get Your Teen To Talk

Do you have "the list." You know the one: How was your day? How was school? How much homework do you have? Did you talk to your guidance counselor? What did you have for lunch? Who did you eat lunch with? How was practice? Did your coach say anything to you? How much time did you get to play? Did you sign up for any clubs? Did you take the trash out, empty the dishwasher, and put your clothes away? You know, the list?

Even with the list, I'm guessing that at the most you got the usual 3 word answer: "It was fine! or a Yes, or a No, and a leave me alone!" If you bombard your teen as soon as they walk in the door or get in the car I can almost guarantee that you will leave this one-sided conversation feeling frustrated and rejected.

The subjects that are of the most interest to you, have absolutely no interest or importance to your teen. Unfortunately, you are having to go cold turkey after having a child who wanted to tell you every teeny tiny detail of their day. When you kids are in elementary they want so much for you to be part of their day, as teens, the driven to do just the opposite. You have to come up with a new tactical approach.

Perhaps instead of the question bombardment when they walk in the door, you just give them a quick hug, and a "hope your day was OK." Statements are always better then questions. This leaves them with a choice, maybe they do have something they want to share with you, but since they aren't feeling your desperation for conversation they might actually say something like "it sucked" which you can calmly say something like: "anything in particular, or just a sucky day."

Sometimes your teen is just on overload, and all the crap that's happened during the day, good or bad, gets dumped into the sucked pile. Just acknowledging it, and doing something a little special like going out and buying them their favorite starbucks does the trick, and perhaps opens the door to a conversation rather than in inquisition.

So give them some space when they get home; Ask a general question rather than a thousand small ones: "so what's up for tonight?" Make observations. If your teen looks spent, rather than asking what's wrong, you can say" Gee honey, you look really exhausted and wrung out...bad day. Or You seem really happy today, anything in particular going on?"

Keep the desperation/anger/frustration out of your voice and you might actually get some good information, just like the old days!

Safety.....Check

I am beside myself with excitement. Verizon and I hope the other cell phone companies have finally come up with parent friendly services to keep your teens safe on smartphones! Below is a link to the verizon site. This service does cost $5 extra per month but this is money well spent. You will be able to:

• Program your teen's phone to shut off and turn back on a schedule. My recommendations, off during school, on for 4-5 hours, off for a couple of hours during homework time of just for your teen to have a break, then on for a few hours, and off off off at bedtime. Just think, no more give me your phone or I'll take it away fights.
• Limit the apps that are allowed on your teen's phone and be the sole final decision-maker for downloads
• Limit search engines searches to age appropriate ones. This will block porn sites, a must for boys, and some of those icky sites like chatroullette, and omegle that are like watching live sex shows.
• Limit the amount of data downloads like movies, TV or games. When the pre-set data download is reached the phone will not download any further.

There are many other options, some of which I think are too invasive but there are lots of choices. Basically, signing up for this service sends the following message to your teen. I get how important having a smartphone is to you, and we are happy that you have it. But like getting your license there are levels of responsibility. First the written test, then the permit, then a limited license, and then the ability to be a driver with full rights and responsibilities. To me, smartphones should be structured in the same way. As your teen matures, and shows the ability to delay gratification and impulsivity, more responsibility for the phone will come. Kids in elementary and middle school should be very monitored and given few apps and hours of use. Halt the addiction before it gets the better of them, and keep them away from dangerous sites that can impair young minds. (that is my old fuddy duddiness talking)

https://insidersguide.vzw.com/home-and-family/get-peace-of-mind-with-verizon-family-safeguards-and-controls/?lid=sayt&sayt=parent+controls*

Teens Love Being Teens, It's The Parents Who Have A Hard Time

Grab a cup of coffee, click on the link below the photo and sit down for this great read!

The Collateral Damage of a Teenager

What adolescence does to adolescents is nowhere near as brutal as what it does to their parents.

• 166 Comments

• By Jennifer Senior 
• Published Jan 12, 2014 

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http://nymag.com/news/features/adolescence-2014-1/

Summer...Time

I am all for keeping teens busy in the summer. Too much time, and no structure is definitely a dangerous combination. But how much, and what and where this summer structure takes place has taken on epic proportions as parents and teens feint and parry in the game of college competition.

The article below is a must read if you have been spending both time and money researching, investigating, and deciding what the impact of one program or another, one internship or another, or one super-sized academic summer program or another, will have on your teen's college acceptances. According to the colleges......not much.

This is not to say that a summer spent building latrines in a small village of Indonesia isn't worthwhile, but if you and your teen's goal in toilet building is that it will provide fodder for the requisite college essay, than read on.

As you will read in this article below, colleges are not stupid. If they see an application padded with "meaningful" experiences it might raise more questions than it answers. If your teen is interested in latrine building because for example they are passionate about sewage and engineering, and every summer is packed with experiences related to this passion, then OK than latrine building seems like a valuable experience for "that kid." Sending your teen off on any experience because it causes them to see the world in a new way, see themselves in a new way, and gain some much needed independence, are all worthy goals. But that should be the conversation and the motivation; personal growth, not how it will translate to a college admission's imagining of your teen.

Intrinsic motivation is what gives those feelings of self satisfaction, and what in life motivates you to take on new challenges. Extrinsic motivation, doing something because it gets you somewhere or something makes these experiences become shallow exercises in creating persona, and rarely have lasting impact. In order to grow, experiences have to be real and meaningful in an internal way. Make sure that whatever your teen chooses for a summertime experience, it is because it has meaning for them....not for you. A summer job at McDonald's can be as meaningful as a summer building latrines in Indonesia. They both teach responsibility, self-reliance, independence and taking care of people other than themselves. Isn't that really what is most important?
https://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2014/03/05/for-high-schoolers-with-ivy-league-dreams-summer-has-gone-from-time-kick-back-time-lean/Bkwk8XIM0WfijqzQyszSlM/story.html?p1=Well_BG_Links

The Volcano That Lives In Your Teen's Brain

Many times in this blog I have talked about the difference between and adult brain and a teen brain. This is not a conceptual difference but truly a biological one. This teen brain is responsible for the crazy and ridiculous, and the drama and explosiveness that are the modis operandi of your teen's behavior. This article gives you the real science. An important read:
http://www.bostonglobe.com/lifestyle/health-wellness/2014/03/09/brain-development-makes-teens-more-vulnerable-suicide-and-mood-disorders/tGBStHOnjqAyanfCe7rbsK/story.html