A writing assignment for my students who are in my Intro To Psychology class brought me an avalanche of touching stories. I asked them to describe their middle and high school experiences, the good and the bad. They shared stories of friendships gone wrong, forays into partying, and issues they had with their parents. Their honesty and insight was moving, and they agreed to let me share some of their memories with you. I hope they will give you some understanding about your own teens, for the things maybe they don't share with you, but you wish you knew.
From a young woman:
" It all started when I was 13. I was bullied. Kids called me ugly, frizzy hair, gross, "emo" and made fun of what I wore. A boy I had a crush on found out I liked him, so during class one day he scrapped a chewed up pen cap across my wrist and asked me if I was used to that feeling for when I would cut myself at night. It gets me disgusted at the thought of all of this now, when I look back at it all because I wish I had stood up for myself instead of just standing hopeless. I am a confident, powerful young woman now and don't let anyone bring me down."
From a young man:
" My lightening rod (this is the part of puberty that is the hardest for a teen) was definitely the time during puberty when I developed acne on my back. I became so self-conscious by my back acne that I would never take my shirt off in public. It became so bad that that I would come home and hurry to take off my shirt so that I wouldn't see my back myself. Pool parties were the hardest for me to go to during high school. Seeing all my friends with no acne on their backs made me very shy and I was most afraid of girls seeing my back. I never want to relive that time in my life."
From young woman:
"Right off the bat my relationship with my parents changed. I became mad at them when they did nothing wrong, and I thought that they could do nothing but make my life miserable. I wanted nothing to do with my parents and I made that very clear to them. Looking back on it now it seems ridiculous because me and my parents are very close now."
From a young man:
When I started playing high school football I was not a good player by any means. After I started going to the gym and getting a girlfriend I found myself excelling. This is also the time when I started going to underage drinking parties. It was exciting to go and I was starting to be accepted by some of the older kids in the school. This wasn't easy on my parents however as I found myself getting in trouble with the police at these parties. One time I was put in handcuffs because the cops thought I supplied the party with booze, I was 16. Never the less, this added to my ego, I thought of myself as a little "bad ass" with a good girlfriend and good skills on the football field."
From a young woman who immigrated from Vietnam as a child:
"When I became a teenager, I seemed to enter my own world and began only to notice myself. I started enjoying different things that were definitely not at the top of my priority before. All I wanted to do was satisfy my own personal pleasure. From balancing school to spending time with my family, it all became a difficult task as I started to devote most of my time in meaningless things. I began to become very judgmental about my own personal looks, and people's opinions toward me, especially at school. Every little unimportant thing became the majority of my worries. If people looked at me a certain way, I would quickly conclude that they were talking about me, then I would see this as an excuse to change the way I looked. I would only buy a certain kind of clothes, and I lost a lot of weight to fit into the social norm of the school. My mood swings were so heightened that I began to distance myself from my family. It all seems exceptionally silly now. "
Pretty honest stuff. Self- consciousness is a powerful, overriding feeling during Adolescence as you can see from these excerpts. But what I hope you can also see is that it is time limited. These now 20 year olds can see that it was a part of their growing up process, that they have outgrown. I hope this gives you some comfort.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Shame On You
I love reading the AOL home page. It's kind of like reading The Enquirer while standing in line at the supermarket, but in private! This video/news posted on AOL story was about two parents. Frustrated with their 15 year old daughter's complete and utter disregard for their rules, they decided to write this sign and make her stand beside it on a busy road in their community for all to see. It read: I sneak boys in at 3 AM and disrespect my parents and grandparents. One adult driver, passing by the girl, stopped his car and got out to talk to the girl. When interviewed by the reporter wondering what made him stop and talk to the girl, replied that he "saw that this young girl looked so sad and upset and I was worried that this humiliation might make her do something to hurt herself."
Good for this guy, cause he has this exactly right. Shaming and humiliation is not a constructive disciplinary technique. It is abusive, and by the way rarely produces long term change. Clearly, sneaking a boy into her room at 3 AM is a HUGE concern, and I'm guessing not the first time. But I am also guessing that if this is how these parents are choosing to punish their daughter, their parenting style in general may be somewhat extreme and authoritarian. Probably not a lot of talking going on in this family.
At some point in your teen's life they will do something extreme that crosses your line. Every family is different, and the standard for crossing the line is different for every family. Responding to this transgression with " How could you do this to me/us?" will get you nowhere. The fact is, your teen did not "do this to you." Your feelings, and wondering what the consequences would be do not even come into play with your teen. For that teen who snuck the boy into her room, what her parents or grandparents would do if she got caught was no where in her horny, impulsive teenage brain. And that is really the issue. Raising a teen means understanding that their egocentricity and narcissism is a part of their personality...for now. It is not a character flaw, but a developmental hurdle that has to be planned for. Your teen acts on emotion and impulse, not thoughtful and careful consideration.
When parents use shame and humiliation as a consequence for this kind of behavior, they are shutting down communication, not opening it up at this very important juncture.
Clearly there need to be consequences for this girl. Both sets of parents need to sit down with the kids and talk not yell about what happened. Rather than banning this boy from the house which might send them out in secret, I would invite him into their house to hang with supervision. I would make sure there was no late night use of cellphones, which is how this 3 AM rendezvous must have been set up. I can imagine a late night sexting/texting communication that ended in a "I need to have sex with you right now" and up the wall into her bedroom he came!
Humiliation and shame can do long term harm to a person, and to their sense of self. Teens are extremely vulnerable as they are in the very beginning stages of assembling their identity. They are just getting the roots in place, and if those roots are stepped on rather than nurtured, there can be grave consequences.
Good for this guy, cause he has this exactly right. Shaming and humiliation is not a constructive disciplinary technique. It is abusive, and by the way rarely produces long term change. Clearly, sneaking a boy into her room at 3 AM is a HUGE concern, and I'm guessing not the first time. But I am also guessing that if this is how these parents are choosing to punish their daughter, their parenting style in general may be somewhat extreme and authoritarian. Probably not a lot of talking going on in this family.
At some point in your teen's life they will do something extreme that crosses your line. Every family is different, and the standard for crossing the line is different for every family. Responding to this transgression with " How could you do this to me/us?" will get you nowhere. The fact is, your teen did not "do this to you." Your feelings, and wondering what the consequences would be do not even come into play with your teen. For that teen who snuck the boy into her room, what her parents or grandparents would do if she got caught was no where in her horny, impulsive teenage brain. And that is really the issue. Raising a teen means understanding that their egocentricity and narcissism is a part of their personality...for now. It is not a character flaw, but a developmental hurdle that has to be planned for. Your teen acts on emotion and impulse, not thoughtful and careful consideration.
When parents use shame and humiliation as a consequence for this kind of behavior, they are shutting down communication, not opening it up at this very important juncture.
Clearly there need to be consequences for this girl. Both sets of parents need to sit down with the kids and talk not yell about what happened. Rather than banning this boy from the house which might send them out in secret, I would invite him into their house to hang with supervision. I would make sure there was no late night use of cellphones, which is how this 3 AM rendezvous must have been set up. I can imagine a late night sexting/texting communication that ended in a "I need to have sex with you right now" and up the wall into her bedroom he came!
Humiliation and shame can do long term harm to a person, and to their sense of self. Teens are extremely vulnerable as they are in the very beginning stages of assembling their identity. They are just getting the roots in place, and if those roots are stepped on rather than nurtured, there can be grave consequences.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
How to Help Your Teens with Stranger Friends On Facebook
A parent emailed me recently asking me to write about this:
"We have a 14 yr old daughter who is not allowed to have facebook until next year. She has been in trouble previously for creating a twitter handle during computer class in 8th grade. Had to speak with principal as our punishment because she broke school rules and then was grounded from us for breaking our rules.
Now as a freshman, she has created a facebook page and most of her friends are boys and have been texting two boys from NY and chicago. I am beside myself and also scared.
What do you suggest to get through to her and make this be okay. Otherwise super kid, nice friends and very good grades."
Any suggestions or help?
Thanks a lot
I am guessing that this is not an unfamiliar scenario for those of you with teens in those transition years of 6-9th grade. What is a parent to do? First how I wish that facebook was the only social networking site a parent had to deal with. Having a teen these days is like playing that game "whack a mole." As soon as you feel like you have a handle on one site like facebook, another one crops up. Maybe it's google plus, or twitter, or tumbler, or skype, etc. It's all I can do to keep up with the new ones.
For those of you with younger teens, the answer is short, supervision, supervision, supervision. For some reason, this has become some kind of a dirty word for parents. Supervision has become synonymous with nosy, budinsky, over protective, and disrespectful of your teen's privacy. It is none of these. It is smart! Your young teen especially, is approaching these new technologies with an immature brain, and inexperience. Expect them to do stupid things. Expect them to make bad decisions. And expect them to think you are crazy for making such a big deal. Like this parent above, she has an absolute right to be terrified when her 14 year old daughter is "friends" with boys she does not know. A recent local story about a 14 year old girl who was befriended on facebook by a 41 year old predator, thank god had a happy ending. But the girl did run away from home, got on a bus to NYC. They found her in New Jersey in the home of this man.
Here are my safety rules:
1. If I have said this once, I have said this a thousand time, no smartphones. This gives your teen complete and utter freedom from your prying eyes. You have absolutely no idea what sites they are going to, and the frequency and duration of their time on social networking sites. This goes for ITouch, and IPADs, and Just say NO!!!!!Grow some balls parents, and suck it up. Put these on the DO NOT BUY holiday shopping list.
2. Younger teens should only have access to the computer in common areas. Laptops should not be allowed in their bedrooms, where they are away from your prying eyes. I do not have a problem with kids on facebook. It's fun! If you forbid it, your teen will get on it in secret, at a friend's house. The devil you know, is better than the devil you don't, but install a program that limits time. Go over their friend list with them, ask them how each person is connected to them.
2. Make sure your teen shares their password with you. If they refuse, than they only get to use the computer for homework, and block all social networking sites.
3. Spend time with them researching what happens to kids who friend people they don't know, post pictures or text that has caused trouble. Make this a pre-requisite for using the computer for social networking. Just telling them that it can be dangerous is not educating them. Do it together. That's why they invented google. When kids read these stories out loud, it will be heard, unlike your words, which won't. Last night I watched a show called Catfish on MTV using on-demand. It is based on a documentary that came out last year about a filmmaker who had been carrying on a cyber relationship with a woman he thought was his age, mid-twenties, smart, funny, a soulmate. He documented his trip to finally meet her after months of texts and phone calls. It turned out to be a middle aged woman who was quite troubled. This same guy now has a show on MTV where he documents someone else's meet and greet with their cyber sweetie. This show is a GREAT way to start this discussion with your teen about meeting "friends" online. Last night's episode was about a 21 year old girl who had met her gorgeous soul mate on facebook. They had been having "relationship" for 8 months. Short story, "the handsome male model" she was so in love with and had been talking marriage with, turned out to be an 18 year old bi-sexual girl with enormous issues, as you can imagine. Your teens love MTV, and having you suggest watching a show on it would definately be a good opening for conversation. If you can't stop yourself from being judgemental and critical of how stupid this girl was, than either don't watch or tape your mouth shut. This is about your teen talking not you!
4. Make sure you look at their wall, their tweets, their tumbler, whatever they do, to make sure that there is nothing on there of theirs that you don't like. This is a non negotiable. You want to make clear to your teen that this is a social networking training program, just like learning to drive. Sure it would be much more fun to just get in the car and drive, but your job is to make sure that they are safe.
4. If, like the parent above, you are concerned with strange friends that are posting things that scare the sh** out of you, have your teen unfriend them, or lose computer privilege.
Education is your best amunition.
"We have a 14 yr old daughter who is not allowed to have facebook until next year. She has been in trouble previously for creating a twitter handle during computer class in 8th grade. Had to speak with principal as our punishment because she broke school rules and then was grounded from us for breaking our rules.
Now as a freshman, she has created a facebook page and most of her friends are boys and have been texting two boys from NY and chicago. I am beside myself and also scared.
What do you suggest to get through to her and make this be okay. Otherwise super kid, nice friends and very good grades."
Any suggestions or help?
Thanks a lot
I am guessing that this is not an unfamiliar scenario for those of you with teens in those transition years of 6-9th grade. What is a parent to do? First how I wish that facebook was the only social networking site a parent had to deal with. Having a teen these days is like playing that game "whack a mole." As soon as you feel like you have a handle on one site like facebook, another one crops up. Maybe it's google plus, or twitter, or tumbler, or skype, etc. It's all I can do to keep up with the new ones.
For those of you with younger teens, the answer is short, supervision, supervision, supervision. For some reason, this has become some kind of a dirty word for parents. Supervision has become synonymous with nosy, budinsky, over protective, and disrespectful of your teen's privacy. It is none of these. It is smart! Your young teen especially, is approaching these new technologies with an immature brain, and inexperience. Expect them to do stupid things. Expect them to make bad decisions. And expect them to think you are crazy for making such a big deal. Like this parent above, she has an absolute right to be terrified when her 14 year old daughter is "friends" with boys she does not know. A recent local story about a 14 year old girl who was befriended on facebook by a 41 year old predator, thank god had a happy ending. But the girl did run away from home, got on a bus to NYC. They found her in New Jersey in the home of this man.
Here are my safety rules:
1. If I have said this once, I have said this a thousand time, no smartphones. This gives your teen complete and utter freedom from your prying eyes. You have absolutely no idea what sites they are going to, and the frequency and duration of their time on social networking sites. This goes for ITouch, and IPADs, and Just say NO!!!!!Grow some balls parents, and suck it up. Put these on the DO NOT BUY holiday shopping list.
2. Younger teens should only have access to the computer in common areas. Laptops should not be allowed in their bedrooms, where they are away from your prying eyes. I do not have a problem with kids on facebook. It's fun! If you forbid it, your teen will get on it in secret, at a friend's house. The devil you know, is better than the devil you don't, but install a program that limits time. Go over their friend list with them, ask them how each person is connected to them.
2. Make sure your teen shares their password with you. If they refuse, than they only get to use the computer for homework, and block all social networking sites.
3. Spend time with them researching what happens to kids who friend people they don't know, post pictures or text that has caused trouble. Make this a pre-requisite for using the computer for social networking. Just telling them that it can be dangerous is not educating them. Do it together. That's why they invented google. When kids read these stories out loud, it will be heard, unlike your words, which won't. Last night I watched a show called Catfish on MTV using on-demand. It is based on a documentary that came out last year about a filmmaker who had been carrying on a cyber relationship with a woman he thought was his age, mid-twenties, smart, funny, a soulmate. He documented his trip to finally meet her after months of texts and phone calls. It turned out to be a middle aged woman who was quite troubled. This same guy now has a show on MTV where he documents someone else's meet and greet with their cyber sweetie. This show is a GREAT way to start this discussion with your teen about meeting "friends" online. Last night's episode was about a 21 year old girl who had met her gorgeous soul mate on facebook. They had been having "relationship" for 8 months. Short story, "the handsome male model" she was so in love with and had been talking marriage with, turned out to be an 18 year old bi-sexual girl with enormous issues, as you can imagine. Your teens love MTV, and having you suggest watching a show on it would definately be a good opening for conversation. If you can't stop yourself from being judgemental and critical of how stupid this girl was, than either don't watch or tape your mouth shut. This is about your teen talking not you!
4. Make sure you look at their wall, their tweets, their tumbler, whatever they do, to make sure that there is nothing on there of theirs that you don't like. This is a non negotiable. You want to make clear to your teen that this is a social networking training program, just like learning to drive. Sure it would be much more fun to just get in the car and drive, but your job is to make sure that they are safe.
4. If, like the parent above, you are concerned with strange friends that are posting things that scare the sh** out of you, have your teen unfriend them, or lose computer privilege.
Education is your best amunition.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Lessons For Thanksgiving
I think the fires in California, the election, and what feels like the fragile state of our world has given many of us an opportunity to pause and reflect on the power of something that is completely out of our control, and how it can affect the fabric of our lives. In my regular spot on the couch, I watch the nightly news, where they highlight the enormity of the after effects of the fires, coupled with the amazing community of neighbors and volunteers that have risen from the destruction. Though people have lost family members, pets, their homes, and their possessions, they find strength in their love for each other and the community in which they live. It
does make me feel so thankful for the blessings of family, friends,
satisfying work, and good health. Life isn't perfect, and there are many
days I feel discouraged, or whiny about what now seem like such silly
things in light of what those dealing with the after affects of these fires, that people are dealing with. So this
Thanksgiving is a time for real thanks.
Your teen may need a little dose of that thanks this holiday. Maybe things haven't been so great. Maybe report cards have been disappointing, or their attitude towards you and the family has you pulling your hair out, or they seem ungrateful and entitled, or distant and uncommunicative. There is not much good to be found. And the more they disappoint, the more you pull away. Sometimes we need an excuse to wipe the slate. Why not have Thanksgiving be that excuse. If you have found the last few months weighing in on the negative, maybe just for the next few days, you share some thankful moments with your teen. Maybe a text, or a card left on their bed with a " I get things have been hard between us over the last few months, but I am so grateful that you are my son/daughter. I cannot imagine my life without your (insert some of the good stuff here, here are some examples: humor; getting me to watch movies I never would have picked but loved; forced me to learn about..., you get the idea.) I know we will get past this other stuff. I love you."
Don't look for a response or a thank you. This is a selfless gift you are giving with no expectations. Teens need to know that with all the crap they hand out, you will always love them, plain and simple.
Treasure these days. Enjoy this break from routine, and I will "see" you next Tuesday as I enjoy time with family and friends on Thursday.
Your teen may need a little dose of that thanks this holiday. Maybe things haven't been so great. Maybe report cards have been disappointing, or their attitude towards you and the family has you pulling your hair out, or they seem ungrateful and entitled, or distant and uncommunicative. There is not much good to be found. And the more they disappoint, the more you pull away. Sometimes we need an excuse to wipe the slate. Why not have Thanksgiving be that excuse. If you have found the last few months weighing in on the negative, maybe just for the next few days, you share some thankful moments with your teen. Maybe a text, or a card left on their bed with a " I get things have been hard between us over the last few months, but I am so grateful that you are my son/daughter. I cannot imagine my life without your (insert some of the good stuff here, here are some examples: humor; getting me to watch movies I never would have picked but loved; forced me to learn about..., you get the idea.) I know we will get past this other stuff. I love you."
Don't look for a response or a thank you. This is a selfless gift you are giving with no expectations. Teens need to know that with all the crap they hand out, you will always love them, plain and simple.
Treasure these days. Enjoy this break from routine, and I will "see" you next Tuesday as I enjoy time with family and friends on Thursday.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thanksgiving love
There
is something about the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Maybe its the
embedded memory of a half day at school and the anticipation of four
days of freedom. I know for me its also the anticipation of my favorite
meal ever, looking forward to savoring every morsel of turkey and
stuffing, and a new recipe for Caramel Apple Pie I saw in today's paper.
But what I look forward to most is the minute my beloved daughter walks
in the door on Thanksgiving day. There is nothing more special, more
delicious, than that first hug with your child, no matter how grown up.
Thanksgiving is a day to be treasured. All the worries of daily life,
messy rooms, bad attitudes, disappointing grades, worries about money,
job, family responsibility all put aside in order to cherish and
preserve the present; family, food, and football. ( I personally hate
football, but I get it's importance to some)
I know sometimes for parents this is no easy task. Maybe you have had a hard week with your teen, arguments, hurt feelings, parents feeling ignored and abandoned by their kids. I wanted to share especially for these parents a poem that a parent shared with me. She and her son had been at odds at what felt like forever. She was so saddened by the change in their relationship, and was working really hard to find some common ground with her son in this battlefield. One morning, going into her son's room to grab his laundry, she found this poem on the floor. This was not a school assignment, but an impulsive pouring out of thoughts. He did not hand his mom this poem as an olive branch, but instead, left it out for her to find. It is a tribute to the love a son has for his family. Know this, that what you often see on the outside, is not what is really going on the inside. Thanksgiving day is a day for you to share those feelings with your kids. Take the inside love and wear it on the outside, at least for the day, and maybe they will too.
I know sometimes for parents this is no easy task. Maybe you have had a hard week with your teen, arguments, hurt feelings, parents feeling ignored and abandoned by their kids. I wanted to share especially for these parents a poem that a parent shared with me. She and her son had been at odds at what felt like forever. She was so saddened by the change in their relationship, and was working really hard to find some common ground with her son in this battlefield. One morning, going into her son's room to grab his laundry, she found this poem on the floor. This was not a school assignment, but an impulsive pouring out of thoughts. He did not hand his mom this poem as an olive branch, but instead, left it out for her to find. It is a tribute to the love a son has for his family. Know this, that what you often see on the outside, is not what is really going on the inside. Thanksgiving day is a day for you to share those feelings with your kids. Take the inside love and wear it on the outside, at least for the day, and maybe they will too.
Where Am I From
I am from long nights lying on the grass
I am from days packed with sports
I am from burnt rice and undercooked hot dogs
I am from arguing about the stupidest things
I am from Love
I am from listening to my ipod late at night
I am from turning on my fan just for the noise
I am from letting facebook turn 1 hour of work into 3
I am from tiptoeing to the bathroom so my mom thinks I'm still asleep
I am from prayers said with the rest of my family over wine, even though I can’t drink
I am from Love
I am from Life
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Help Your Child Find Their Passion
Here is an article I wrote for the Boston Globe. I have learned so much from my daughter about parenting. Here is what I learned. (this article is in two parts)
http://www.bostonglobe.com/lifestyle/2012/11/13/actress-ari-graynor-mom-talks-about-parenting/moic7S78t44wIQrNadycVN/story.html?s_campaign=8315
http://www.bostonglobe.com/lifestyle/2012/11/13/four-tips-for-raising-child-with-big-dreams/OsCm28Z0XRd6cuzIKYAgdO/story.html?s_campaign=8315
http://www.bostonglobe.com/lifestyle/2012/11/13/actress-ari-graynor-mom-talks-about-parenting/moic7S78t44wIQrNadycVN/story.html?s_campaign=8315
http://www.bostonglobe.com/lifestyle/2012/11/13/four-tips-for-raising-child-with-big-dreams/OsCm28Z0XRd6cuzIKYAgdO/story.html?s_campaign=8315
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
3 Steps To Parent-Proofing Your Relationship With Your Teen
Empathize and strategize, Don't criticize:
Rather than criticizing your teen for spending too much time on texting and facebooking friends, as in: "If you didn't spend so much time texting your friends, you would get your homework done and be more prepared for your tests!" Instead use an "I get it" statement: " I get how important it is for you to stay in touch with your friends, lets figure out a way that you can do that and get your homework done." Your teen will not feel judged, but understood. Staying in touch with friends at night is important to them as is homework. Minimizing something that is important to them, just serves to drive a wedge of "you just don't understand!" Now you can get down to problem-solving rather than wasting time arguing about what is important to your teen!
2. Jump into your teen's life:
Up until the point that your child becomes a teen you have been the conductor of your child's life, exposing them to and engaging them in activities that YOU want them to experience. As teens, they are now at the "buffet of life" trying out and on different persona's, interests, friends etc. Many of these things will feel shallow, wastes of time, and/or completely different from your own interests and passions. If you keep trying to make your teen want to do the things you want them to do, you will push them away.
Example: You and your family are an athletic family. You expect everyone to participate, family outings, hikes, skiing, etc. Your teen went along with this as a younger child, but as a teen is voicing his/her strong objection. He/she just doesn't like this stuff. One client I worked with had a daughter who loved to bake and was an obsessive watcher of the TV show cupcake wars. Once the parents understood that their daughter had her own passions, they made her the family "baker,"a role she loved and felt respected for. It changed the whole dynamic between her and her parents.
Maybe your teen loves watching some TV show you find revolting and disgusting. Teens often watch these shows, not because they emulate these people, but because they don't! When you swallow your pride, and sit down with your teen and watch their favorite show with them, you accomplish two things. First you stop making them feel less than, by joining in on the fun. Secondly you get an opportunity during commercials to understand what turns your teen on about these people. It is a great way to find out what your teen thinks about things without asking directly. Do not be judgemental or" lectury", as in "I don't understand why you watch such crap!" Instead you can talk about the characters as if they are real people:" Oh my god, do you believe what she just said!!!" React in real time as if these people were your friends. When your teen feels you aren't pretending interest and are just hanging with them doing something that interests them, you show them respect.
3. Stop Yelling!!!
A teen's brain is wired differently than the adult brain. The amygdala, or the emotional center of the brain is in much higher activation in teens than the thinking center or frontal cortex. When you raise your voice, your teen reacts automatically to the sound of your voice and not to what you are saying. The old adage: "it's not what you say, but how you say it" should be your guide. If you want your child to listen to you, stop yelling!
Rather than criticizing your teen for spending too much time on texting and facebooking friends, as in: "If you didn't spend so much time texting your friends, you would get your homework done and be more prepared for your tests!" Instead use an "I get it" statement: " I get how important it is for you to stay in touch with your friends, lets figure out a way that you can do that and get your homework done." Your teen will not feel judged, but understood. Staying in touch with friends at night is important to them as is homework. Minimizing something that is important to them, just serves to drive a wedge of "you just don't understand!" Now you can get down to problem-solving rather than wasting time arguing about what is important to your teen!
2. Jump into your teen's life:
Up until the point that your child becomes a teen you have been the conductor of your child's life, exposing them to and engaging them in activities that YOU want them to experience. As teens, they are now at the "buffet of life" trying out and on different persona's, interests, friends etc. Many of these things will feel shallow, wastes of time, and/or completely different from your own interests and passions. If you keep trying to make your teen want to do the things you want them to do, you will push them away.
Example: You and your family are an athletic family. You expect everyone to participate, family outings, hikes, skiing, etc. Your teen went along with this as a younger child, but as a teen is voicing his/her strong objection. He/she just doesn't like this stuff. One client I worked with had a daughter who loved to bake and was an obsessive watcher of the TV show cupcake wars. Once the parents understood that their daughter had her own passions, they made her the family "baker,"a role she loved and felt respected for. It changed the whole dynamic between her and her parents.
Maybe your teen loves watching some TV show you find revolting and disgusting. Teens often watch these shows, not because they emulate these people, but because they don't! When you swallow your pride, and sit down with your teen and watch their favorite show with them, you accomplish two things. First you stop making them feel less than, by joining in on the fun. Secondly you get an opportunity during commercials to understand what turns your teen on about these people. It is a great way to find out what your teen thinks about things without asking directly. Do not be judgemental or" lectury", as in "I don't understand why you watch such crap!" Instead you can talk about the characters as if they are real people:" Oh my god, do you believe what she just said!!!" React in real time as if these people were your friends. When your teen feels you aren't pretending interest and are just hanging with them doing something that interests them, you show them respect.
3. Stop Yelling!!!
A teen's brain is wired differently than the adult brain. The amygdala, or the emotional center of the brain is in much higher activation in teens than the thinking center or frontal cortex. When you raise your voice, your teen reacts automatically to the sound of your voice and not to what you are saying. The old adage: "it's not what you say, but how you say it" should be your guide. If you want your child to listen to you, stop yelling!
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