When your kids were young, they wanted to be just like you. They followed you around the house mirroring your activities, adopting your mannerisms, maybe you even had your "twin outfits." The boys had matching sweatshirts and caps, and the girls matching T's and sparkly shoes. You would make suggestions of how to do things, and activities you thought they might try, and these 8 and 9 year olds would jump at the chance to please you. No coincidence that they might also be activities that you enjoy, as you imagine ten years hence playing doubles together on the tennis courts, or skiing down the black diamond trail together, or getting season tickets to the ballet or spending crisp fall afternoons eating chicken wings in front of the tube as you catch your favorite football game.
It all seems so idyllic back them. The future of this relationship between parent and child. And then BANG, they have to get all teenagery on you. Rather than wanting to be just like you, like they used to, now they want to be anything but you. I have met with a number of parents recently who just DON'T get who their teen is these days. One parent I met with described his teen years as studious, and hard-working. He wasn't that social, didn't party much, and now has a daughter who is social, not so much into her school work, as she is into facebook. He just doesn't get her, and feels constantly disappointed by her. Another parent I met, who has many interests and passions just doesn't "get" that her teen seems not to be interested in anything but her friends. Her grades are good, but from the mom's point of view her daughter's life seems empty and shallow. Another parent who is the coach of his son's soccer team, laments his son wanting to quit the team. The kid has lost interest in the game, embarrasses him during practice and matches by putting little effort into his play.
What does it all mean? Why are they so different now? Why does life have to change? Because first of all, they aren't you! As young children, kids are developmentally driven to please. Their parents are their #1's and school-aged children's primary goal is to love and be loved by their parents. We actually call this the "good girl/ good boy phase. If playing soccer or the violin seems to make you happy, then soccer and violin it is..... until it isn't. It may be that your kid has real talent in an area, and you see a future down the line, college scholarships, concerts and competitions, trophy's and newspaper articles. And just when its all looking so promising, BOOM, your teen wants to quit! And by golly by god no one in this family is a quitter. Well maybe, your teen really doesn't like playing the violin or playing soccer, and now that their teen brain allows them a different perspective they express their distaste.
I once worked with a 16 year teen who had been swimming competitively since she was 7. She was really good, winning many meets for her team. The coach was ecstatic, her parents euphoric. Here is how she saw it. Early early morning practices, after school practices, weekend meets, she was sick of the whole business and after 9 years was ready to pack it in. The coach was furious, her parents were beyond disappointed, this was the team's star swimmer. How could she bail now? It seems it was never really her dream. She was a pleaser, and swimming seemed to make all the important people in her life happy, so she swam her little heart out. But the sad truth of it was she actually didn't like swimming all that much, and now as a teen, and thinking with this new brain of hers, she was sorting that all out for herself and speaking up. It wasn't pretty. It actually was a courageous decision she made, but unfortunately the adults in her life didn't see it that way. She was a disappointment to them, and made that quite clear to her. A divide as wide as the Grand Canyon occured between this teen and her parents. No happy ending here.
Here is a story with a happy ending. Two wonderful, supportive, loving parents came to see me because they were worried that their relationship with their 15 year old son was deteriorating. They were serious, academic types, and always had been. School was always their priority during their teen years. As teenagers, they each had a few close friends, and a quiet social life. They had two children. Their older daughter was just like them. She was a studious, quiet girl in her teen years. Studying hard, and stayed in most weekend nights with a friend or two watching movies. Aah, life was good for these parents and their daughter. Their son on the other hand was gregarious, and outgoing, had a ton of friends, was on the football team of all things, and couldn't have been more different from his parents. These parents were desperate to find connection with their son. One night I got a phone call from the dad asking for my opinion. It seems his son had come to him asking for a BB gun. "Oh yeah, right, I don't think so," said the dad. The dad asked if he done the right thing. I actually saw an opportunity here for connection. BB guns couldn't have been further outside this dad's comfort zone or interest area. But I encouraged him to go online and find out the laws about how old you had to be to purchase a gun. Dad did the research, and found out that you had to be 18. His son wouldn't have been able to buy it anyway. I told the dad to say to the son: "I get that BB guns are fun, but the law says you are too young to buy one. How about if I buy one and the deal is we have to do BB gunning together. The son, only hearing a BB gun was in the mail, agreed. And so began a partnership. The boy and his dad set up a garage shooting gallery, and went out to the woods for target practice. Other boys often joined them, and it became an amazing chance for them to connect. Some weeks later the dad called me to report this event. It had been 10 PM one night, the dad just going off to bed, and his son came and asked if he wanted to play a game of chess. The dad was stunned. This was an activity they had shared when his son was younger, but not for years, as chess became "uncool" and his "dad's thing". Though the dad was ready for bed, he instinctively knew his son was reaching out and he took his hand.
I love this story. I think this teen "got" that his dad was willing to join his world, even if it wasn't comfortable. He felt respected and accepted. And in turn, wanted to give back to his dad with a game of chess. I don't think this kid thought all this consciously, but I am a therapist and it is my job to interpret, and so I will. This teen felt a connection to his dad that felt familiar, and probably hadn't felt for a while. In a moment of whatever, asked his dad to play chess. Thanks Freud!
Accept and embrace your teen's differences. They can be just as rewarding and fun as your sameness!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Everybody Else Has One!!!
At an event I spoke at last night for a small group of moms with 5th -7th graders, per usual, I asked how many of their kids were the proud owners of smartphones. If you have been reading my blog regularly you know by now that giving kids smartphones makes me crazy. Anyway, 3/4 of the hands shot up. As usual I gave my old fuddy duddy rant about why I think smartphones are hazardous to a teen's health. This rant can be found in any number of my previous blogs, so I won't bore you with it here. But the deed was already done, so I decided to focus more on the process by which these phones ended up in their teens hands. The common thread whenever and wherever I ask this question is: "All their friends have one and we didn't want them to feel left out."
OK being left out is not having a phone at all. I understand the relentless pressure teens can exert when they want something really really badly. They know just what buttons to push. They know just how to make you feel guilty that somehow you are not as good a parent as their friends parents, if you don't allow them to do X or buy them X. So in your effort to make your teen happy, and therefore make your life easier you cave. The message sent to your teen here is if you want something really badly, be persistent, make them feel guilty, never let up, and eventually you will succeed
Developmentally teens are driven to conformity. They want what everyone else has. They want to look like everyone else, they want to listen to the same music, have the same clothes, eat the same food, drink the same water, have the same backpack, play the same video games, watch the same TV shows all in the name of fitting in. Conformity plays a huge part in giving teens a sense of sameness and peace as they struggle with the difficult task of developing an identity. They are being bombarded with changes in their brains and in their bodies, and the sameness takes away some of the angst. So, if it isn't unsafe or disrespectful, I am all for the cloning of teens. It is a temporary state, and as they move into the later teen years, they start to nail down their own particular brand of who they are, and the whole conformity thing falls by the wayside.
Your role in all this is to judge what is unsafe or disrespectful. There may be many things that your teen wants to do, watch trashy TV or buy brand names of items that are ridiculously overpriced, that go against your values but are not unsafe or disrespectful. You just don't like it, and therefore don't want your teen to have it or do it. In these cases I recommend saying: "I get how important it feels to you to have UGG boots like your friends. They seem like a lot of money to me, but I get how important they are to you, so here is the $60 I would have spent on boots for you, and you are welcome to use your birthday money or your savings to add to it and get the boots." In this scenario, you take care of yourself, and give you teen the choice to get what he/she wants without you having to totally give your support and go against your own values. Here is the thing, there will be things your teens wants, or events they want to go to that are unsafe. Here you will need to draw the line, even if there are other parents who aren't. This is hard, this makes you unpopular, this creates havoc. I get that completely. Whether it is a smartphone that gives your teen unlimited access to more distraction than their little brain can handle, or a concert that takes them too far from home on a school night, or not allowing them to go to a house that you feel is unsupervised and therefore unsafe, these are the unpopular decisions parents must make. When you make those kinds of decisions judiciously, your teen understands that you are concerned with the big picture and of their safety.
The Rolling Stones had it right in their song "You can't always get what you want." That goes for your teens and for you. You won't always be the most popular parents. You won't always be the "mean parents" either. But you do have to be the smart parents. Trust your gut. If you are saying yes to something even though your gut is saying no. Stop and figure out why. Of course we want to make out kids happy, and often we give in on things cause we love to see the smile and appreciation on our teens faces no matter how fleeting it might be. And many times we can "give in" and feel OK about it. Just make sure that whenever you feel that gut pulling you in another direction, ask yourself, is this safe?
.
OK being left out is not having a phone at all. I understand the relentless pressure teens can exert when they want something really really badly. They know just what buttons to push. They know just how to make you feel guilty that somehow you are not as good a parent as their friends parents, if you don't allow them to do X or buy them X. So in your effort to make your teen happy, and therefore make your life easier you cave. The message sent to your teen here is if you want something really badly, be persistent, make them feel guilty, never let up, and eventually you will succeed
Developmentally teens are driven to conformity. They want what everyone else has. They want to look like everyone else, they want to listen to the same music, have the same clothes, eat the same food, drink the same water, have the same backpack, play the same video games, watch the same TV shows all in the name of fitting in. Conformity plays a huge part in giving teens a sense of sameness and peace as they struggle with the difficult task of developing an identity. They are being bombarded with changes in their brains and in their bodies, and the sameness takes away some of the angst. So, if it isn't unsafe or disrespectful, I am all for the cloning of teens. It is a temporary state, and as they move into the later teen years, they start to nail down their own particular brand of who they are, and the whole conformity thing falls by the wayside.
Your role in all this is to judge what is unsafe or disrespectful. There may be many things that your teen wants to do, watch trashy TV or buy brand names of items that are ridiculously overpriced, that go against your values but are not unsafe or disrespectful. You just don't like it, and therefore don't want your teen to have it or do it. In these cases I recommend saying: "I get how important it feels to you to have UGG boots like your friends. They seem like a lot of money to me, but I get how important they are to you, so here is the $60 I would have spent on boots for you, and you are welcome to use your birthday money or your savings to add to it and get the boots." In this scenario, you take care of yourself, and give you teen the choice to get what he/she wants without you having to totally give your support and go against your own values. Here is the thing, there will be things your teens wants, or events they want to go to that are unsafe. Here you will need to draw the line, even if there are other parents who aren't. This is hard, this makes you unpopular, this creates havoc. I get that completely. Whether it is a smartphone that gives your teen unlimited access to more distraction than their little brain can handle, or a concert that takes them too far from home on a school night, or not allowing them to go to a house that you feel is unsupervised and therefore unsafe, these are the unpopular decisions parents must make. When you make those kinds of decisions judiciously, your teen understands that you are concerned with the big picture and of their safety.
The Rolling Stones had it right in their song "You can't always get what you want." That goes for your teens and for you. You won't always be the most popular parents. You won't always be the "mean parents" either. But you do have to be the smart parents. Trust your gut. If you are saying yes to something even though your gut is saying no. Stop and figure out why. Of course we want to make out kids happy, and often we give in on things cause we love to see the smile and appreciation on our teens faces no matter how fleeting it might be. And many times we can "give in" and feel OK about it. Just make sure that whenever you feel that gut pulling you in another direction, ask yourself, is this safe?
.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Not My Kid
A new study by the University of Michigan found that most parents look at their teen through rose colored glasses, as in "my kid would never." Only 10% of the parents polled nationwide believed that their teens had used alcohol in the last year, and only 5% of parents thought that their teen had smoked pot. Here is the fun part, when the teens were polled through a study by the National Institutes of Health, the results showed that 52%of teens admitted to drinking and 28% admitted to smoking pot. Someones....not....paying.... attention. And what is even more telling is that these same parents polled believed that 60% of other teens (but not mine) were drinking alcohol and 40% were smoking pot.
Some examples of not my kid:
Last week a parent told me this story. He had taken his 15 year old teen to a small, maybe 10 kids "get together" at a friends house on a Saturday night. Not only were the parents home, but this dad knew the parents and felt completely fine about the supervision. Dad shows up to pick up his son at the appointed hour and finds 50-60 teens milling about the yard as they had all been thrown out of the house. Why had they been thrown out? Because the "supervising parents,"who must have been deaf, dumb and blind not to have heard or seen the party numbers growing by leaps and bounds finally heard something that sparked their interest and when they joined the party saw 60 kids, tons of boos and pipes(for pot for those who don't know) scattered outside and in their basement. "What a surprise???? How could all these kids come uninvited to our house??? These are all such good kids, I don't understand, lamented the host parents." How could my son think this was OK?" Ah, hello, this is what most kids do when given the opportunity, the space,and the clueless parent!!!!
Story 2:
This mom shared this story with me during a coaching session. Mom has a 14 year old, straight A, quiet studious daughter who has a few best friends but is definitely not a party girl, preferring to stay in with friends on weekends and watch movies. Parents of this small group of teens always felt very comfortable leaving these girls "home alone". One day after school, on a half-day, this mom's daughter and a friend went back to the other girl's house. The parents both work, but these are the "good"girls so of course they were fine at home. Apparently because these girls are not the party girls they have been very curious about what the whole "drinking" deal is all about. So they planned an afternoon of drinking to find out. Getting the alcohol was easy, because it was right where the vodka always is, in the cabinet. Short story, one girl, kept drinking more and more vodka cause she wasn't feeling anything...until she did. But by that point she passed out, was rushed to the hospital with a blood alcohol of .18 and had her stomach pumped. Moral of this story, it's the "good girls/boys, and the "party boys/girls" .
Parent's job is to anticipate, expect and do as much as they can to protect! The only way you can do that is to predict that yes indeed, at some point, your kid too will want to experiment, take risks, do things you would never expect of them. It doesn't make them a bad kid or you a bad parent, just a realistic one.
Some examples of not my kid:
Last week a parent told me this story. He had taken his 15 year old teen to a small, maybe 10 kids "get together" at a friends house on a Saturday night. Not only were the parents home, but this dad knew the parents and felt completely fine about the supervision. Dad shows up to pick up his son at the appointed hour and finds 50-60 teens milling about the yard as they had all been thrown out of the house. Why had they been thrown out? Because the "supervising parents,"who must have been deaf, dumb and blind not to have heard or seen the party numbers growing by leaps and bounds finally heard something that sparked their interest and when they joined the party saw 60 kids, tons of boos and pipes(for pot for those who don't know) scattered outside and in their basement. "What a surprise???? How could all these kids come uninvited to our house??? These are all such good kids, I don't understand, lamented the host parents." How could my son think this was OK?" Ah, hello, this is what most kids do when given the opportunity, the space,and the clueless parent!!!!
Story 2:
This mom shared this story with me during a coaching session. Mom has a 14 year old, straight A, quiet studious daughter who has a few best friends but is definitely not a party girl, preferring to stay in with friends on weekends and watch movies. Parents of this small group of teens always felt very comfortable leaving these girls "home alone". One day after school, on a half-day, this mom's daughter and a friend went back to the other girl's house. The parents both work, but these are the "good"girls so of course they were fine at home. Apparently because these girls are not the party girls they have been very curious about what the whole "drinking" deal is all about. So they planned an afternoon of drinking to find out. Getting the alcohol was easy, because it was right where the vodka always is, in the cabinet. Short story, one girl, kept drinking more and more vodka cause she wasn't feeling anything...until she did. But by that point she passed out, was rushed to the hospital with a blood alcohol of .18 and had her stomach pumped. Moral of this story, it's the "good girls/boys, and the "party boys/girls" .
Parent's job is to anticipate, expect and do as much as they can to protect! The only way you can do that is to predict that yes indeed, at some point, your kid too will want to experiment, take risks, do things you would never expect of them. It doesn't make them a bad kid or you a bad parent, just a realistic one.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Teens Getting The Sex Message....At Least Part Of It
Today's headline in the Heath/Science column of the Boston Globe is Teens show savvy in use of condoms. After surveying 4700 teens (that is a lot of teens) aged 15 -19 the study found that 80% of boys now use condoms up from 55% during their first sexual intercourse. Another interesting finding is that the number of teens having intercourse: 43 % of girls and 42% of boys surveyed is unchanged since this last study in 1988. And if they are having sex, their partner is with someone with whom they "are going steady." I thought that term went out with the 50's.
The good news here is that boys are taking responsibility and have gotten the message that sex is good, but pregnancy and STD's are not, and girls are saying no condom, no sex! In fact one boy quoted said:"I'm not sure how much of this is guys thinking they need to use a condom or girls insisting they use a condom. I'd be hesitant to give guys credit for coming up with this on their own." I love this kid's honesty. So teens are not sleeping around, that's good. And if they are sleeping around they are using a condom. That's good.
What is interesting about this story is that it underscores how long it takes for a message to be incorporated into the culture. When I grew up, all teens smoked cigarettes, that was accepted practice. Then they discovered smoking causes cancer, and slowly the message got out, and it is the rare teen today who smokes cigarettes. Same thing with sex, when I was a teen, no one used condoms. Then as STD's became more common than not, condom use campaigns sprang up everywhere just like the anti-smoking ones, and ten years later this cohort of teens has gotten the message. Change takes time!!! The message, whatever it is has to be repeated loudly and often so that it starts to live in your brain instead of the TV. I think it takes a generation before the message becomes the norm. Take today's teens and this study. They were very young children when the condom ads started on TV. The tv shows they watched about teens starting using the language of condoms as the norm when TV teens were considering having sex. The word condom became part of their everyday language, not a word to be embarrassed about using, or embarrassed about buying. Remember wishing you had a mask on when you had to go to CVS to buy condoms. I don't think today's teens feel that same embarrassment. Its just what you do when you wanna have sex.
So now we have to do the same kind of education when it comes to today's technology. Kid's need the messages loudly and often that too much texting can be harmful to your health. Sending naked pictures and sexy texts can be harmful to your health. Not getting enough sleep because you are waiting to get texts, or sending them late into the night can be harmful to your health. Now is the time to start your own advertising campaign, cause I don't think this one will be launched on your local television station. Start with those 3 rd and 4th graders, so when its their turn to "be teenagers" they will be the generation to say, to each other : "why do you text so much, don't you know it can rot your brain!!!"
The good news here is that boys are taking responsibility and have gotten the message that sex is good, but pregnancy and STD's are not, and girls are saying no condom, no sex! In fact one boy quoted said:"I'm not sure how much of this is guys thinking they need to use a condom or girls insisting they use a condom. I'd be hesitant to give guys credit for coming up with this on their own." I love this kid's honesty. So teens are not sleeping around, that's good. And if they are sleeping around they are using a condom. That's good.
What is interesting about this story is that it underscores how long it takes for a message to be incorporated into the culture. When I grew up, all teens smoked cigarettes, that was accepted practice. Then they discovered smoking causes cancer, and slowly the message got out, and it is the rare teen today who smokes cigarettes. Same thing with sex, when I was a teen, no one used condoms. Then as STD's became more common than not, condom use campaigns sprang up everywhere just like the anti-smoking ones, and ten years later this cohort of teens has gotten the message. Change takes time!!! The message, whatever it is has to be repeated loudly and often so that it starts to live in your brain instead of the TV. I think it takes a generation before the message becomes the norm. Take today's teens and this study. They were very young children when the condom ads started on TV. The tv shows they watched about teens starting using the language of condoms as the norm when TV teens were considering having sex. The word condom became part of their everyday language, not a word to be embarrassed about using, or embarrassed about buying. Remember wishing you had a mask on when you had to go to CVS to buy condoms. I don't think today's teens feel that same embarrassment. Its just what you do when you wanna have sex.
So now we have to do the same kind of education when it comes to today's technology. Kid's need the messages loudly and often that too much texting can be harmful to your health. Sending naked pictures and sexy texts can be harmful to your health. Not getting enough sleep because you are waiting to get texts, or sending them late into the night can be harmful to your health. Now is the time to start your own advertising campaign, cause I don't think this one will be launched on your local television station. Start with those 3 rd and 4th graders, so when its their turn to "be teenagers" they will be the generation to say, to each other : "why do you text so much, don't you know it can rot your brain!!!"
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Teens With Too Much Time On Their Hands
Not all teens have busy lives. Some teens go to school, come home, get on the computer, go to their video games, and settle in for the rest of the day and night. For these teens, this rest of the day and night can be a full day's worth of hang if you add up the hours. Most high schools are done by 2:30 ish, bus ride home 30 minutes, and then you are home and it's only 3:00 PM. That leaves you a full 8 hours of screen time before bed. Not good. If your teen has this kind of time on their hands, and if they aren't a kid who uses that time for studying and reading War and Peace than I think you need to help them to self motivate to use their time in a better way. The mantra, the more time you have, the less you do, is very applicable here. Teens who have this amount of unstructured time, tend to also be the kids whose school motivation is low. Self esteem comes from being active and involved, and feeling at the end of the day that you have accomplished something. This makes the next day something to look forward to. For kids who have not found their niche in sports, or activities in or out of school, every day becomes a repeat of the day before, with little to look forward to, and little to feel good about.
Let's look at some options to help those teens with too much time on their hands. OK, let's start with some very basic things. If you are a parent who does your teen's laundry, let's begin here. I am all for parents "doing for" kids who are engaged in life. If your teen doesn't get home till 5 or 6 because of sports or activities or a job, them has to eat, have a little down time and then off to do homework, than help away...Please! But if your teen is home and on the couch by 3 PM, do not do their laundry, and make their bed. You might say: "Here is your choice, I can help you find a job, get an internship, brainstorm some ideas for finding something to do after school that interests you, but if you choose to come home every day to just hang for the next 8 hours than I think you have the time to take care of your own laundry."
Money is always a great motivator. You might say: "We think it's really important for you to find something to do a few afternoons after school. We have noticed that having this amount of time on your hands isn't really helpful to you. You aren't using them for homework, or even hanging with friends, and too much screen time can really affect your motivation for doing things that are good for you. We would like to see you look for a part-time job or volunteer or internship. If you choose not to do this, then we choose not to just give you money or buy you stuff . We will be happy to pay you for work you can do around the house in lieu of a job, we will help you find a job. If you volunteer or get an internship, do a sport or an activity at school, go to the gym regularly, there are a ton of options, then we will be happy to give you money or buy you what you want or need since you would be out and being busy doing something positive. I get you like and need a lot of down time. And we are OK with a few hours of that, but not from 3-11 PM every day. So let's do some planning."
Your teen is in the beginning stages of developing an identity. Who am I? What turns me on? What makes me happy? Many teens are overwhelmed with the choices and have absolutely no idea how to get off that couch or get away from the computer screen. Too many options confuse them, so they opt for what is familiar and comfortable. They need you to understand that, rather than judge them for being a lazy sloth, cause of course that is how it looks. Teens need incentives. For some, the roar of the crowd during a football game or from acting in the school play or a pay check from a part-time job is their incentive. Find out what your teen's incentive is, an offer it up to get them up!!!
Let's look at some options to help those teens with too much time on their hands. OK, let's start with some very basic things. If you are a parent who does your teen's laundry, let's begin here. I am all for parents "doing for" kids who are engaged in life. If your teen doesn't get home till 5 or 6 because of sports or activities or a job, them has to eat, have a little down time and then off to do homework, than help away...Please! But if your teen is home and on the couch by 3 PM, do not do their laundry, and make their bed. You might say: "Here is your choice, I can help you find a job, get an internship, brainstorm some ideas for finding something to do after school that interests you, but if you choose to come home every day to just hang for the next 8 hours than I think you have the time to take care of your own laundry."
Money is always a great motivator. You might say: "We think it's really important for you to find something to do a few afternoons after school. We have noticed that having this amount of time on your hands isn't really helpful to you. You aren't using them for homework, or even hanging with friends, and too much screen time can really affect your motivation for doing things that are good for you. We would like to see you look for a part-time job or volunteer or internship. If you choose not to do this, then we choose not to just give you money or buy you stuff . We will be happy to pay you for work you can do around the house in lieu of a job, we will help you find a job. If you volunteer or get an internship, do a sport or an activity at school, go to the gym regularly, there are a ton of options, then we will be happy to give you money or buy you what you want or need since you would be out and being busy doing something positive. I get you like and need a lot of down time. And we are OK with a few hours of that, but not from 3-11 PM every day. So let's do some planning."
Your teen is in the beginning stages of developing an identity. Who am I? What turns me on? What makes me happy? Many teens are overwhelmed with the choices and have absolutely no idea how to get off that couch or get away from the computer screen. Too many options confuse them, so they opt for what is familiar and comfortable. They need you to understand that, rather than judge them for being a lazy sloth, cause of course that is how it looks. Teens need incentives. For some, the roar of the crowd during a football game or from acting in the school play or a pay check from a part-time job is their incentive. Find out what your teen's incentive is, an offer it up to get them up!!!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
A Tale Of Two Siblings
Those of you who have a sibling or two may have the experience of being either the "perfect child" or the "black sheep" of your family. In either case you felt the pressure of having to maintain your role in the family. People expected you to behave a certain way, and you probably never failed to disappoint. Either by being provocative or by being just incredibly lovable.
I recently met with parents whose two teenage boys aged 12 and 17 fall into the good boy/bad boy trap. Their 12 year old son is the "perfect" son. Bright and successful in school, a talented athlete, sweet, even tempered, affectionate and a joy to be around. The 17 year old, not so much. He on the other hand, has some learning challenges, and therefore has found school to be a place that made him feel like a loser, and smartly enrolled in a vocational high school when he hit 9th grade, where he feels more successful. But still he is a mediocre student. He has no outside interests or passions and spends all of his non-school time playing video games or on face book. His anger and attitude are impossible to deal with. He isolates himself from the family, and it seems his only contact with them is when he needs or demands rides or money. And to top it off he can very mean and abusive to his younger brother. Dad coaches the younger son's sports team, and both parents spend weekends at his games, leaving the 17 year old feeling a bit out of the loop I am guessing.
Mom and Dad are successful professionals. Both graduated from college, went on to get masters degrees and both have successful careers. Their older son feels like an alien to them. They admitted that when his school difficulties started they thought he was just being lazy, just not putting in the "work" he needed to do for school. In middle school he was finally diagnosed with learning disabilities and was put on a program through the school system for support, but by then, I'm guessing he saw himself as lazy and stupid.
It is hard to be "that kid" in the family that doesn't fit the family script. And the more you don't fit it, the more you become the opposite of it. In this family, being smart, athletic and and having a sunny disposition (sounds like Mary Poppins) is the character description, all others need not apply. There is no doubt that these are loving parents, but they are stymied as to how to connect with their son. And he makes himself so unlikable to boot, that who wants to spend time with him anyway.
These parents described to me the attempts they make to include him in family outings, but unfortunately those family outings are built around the younger sons sporting events. If you felt like the loser in the family would you want to go and watch your nemesis being the shining "star"? I think not. Dinners out with the family become a fighting match, with the older son antagonizing the younger one at the table or he just becomes such a pain in the a** that the parents just don't do that anymore.
The good news is that this 17 year old has some good attributes. He is not a party guy, doesn't drink, or do drugs. Not an easy feat for a teen these days. He is a steady girlfriend and some good friends, all really good signs. What is missing for him is connection with his mom and dad.
In families like this where there are obvious differences between the kids, it is so important to make each child feel important. With this family, it turns out the dad and the 17 year old share a love for movies, but the dad being so involved with the 12 year old's sporting life doesn't leave him much extra time to engage with his older son. How hard it must be to watch watch his dad go off every weekend with the younger brother. I encouraged the dad to make the time, maybe a Sunday night when together, just the two of them, go off for a night at the movies. Or the mom, when dad and 12 year go off to practice every Friday night, get some take out and a movie and just hang together and enjoy each others company.
Some kids do not make themselves lovable. They push you away, and tell you to go away. Ignore that!!! It's all a ruse to protect themselves from rejection. Never stop trying, drive them crazy with messages of "I love you". Do not buy them off with money or clothes or phones, or cars or doing their laundry, they love the stuff, but they are not stupid, and know that stuff is the easy stuff, the hard part, is for you the parents to keep at, not allowing their attitude and anger to push you away. It takes time for them to believe that in spite of not being "the perfect" kid they will always be "my kid", and that is enough, thank you very much!
I recently met with parents whose two teenage boys aged 12 and 17 fall into the good boy/bad boy trap. Their 12 year old son is the "perfect" son. Bright and successful in school, a talented athlete, sweet, even tempered, affectionate and a joy to be around. The 17 year old, not so much. He on the other hand, has some learning challenges, and therefore has found school to be a place that made him feel like a loser, and smartly enrolled in a vocational high school when he hit 9th grade, where he feels more successful. But still he is a mediocre student. He has no outside interests or passions and spends all of his non-school time playing video games or on face book. His anger and attitude are impossible to deal with. He isolates himself from the family, and it seems his only contact with them is when he needs or demands rides or money. And to top it off he can very mean and abusive to his younger brother. Dad coaches the younger son's sports team, and both parents spend weekends at his games, leaving the 17 year old feeling a bit out of the loop I am guessing.
Mom and Dad are successful professionals. Both graduated from college, went on to get masters degrees and both have successful careers. Their older son feels like an alien to them. They admitted that when his school difficulties started they thought he was just being lazy, just not putting in the "work" he needed to do for school. In middle school he was finally diagnosed with learning disabilities and was put on a program through the school system for support, but by then, I'm guessing he saw himself as lazy and stupid.
It is hard to be "that kid" in the family that doesn't fit the family script. And the more you don't fit it, the more you become the opposite of it. In this family, being smart, athletic and and having a sunny disposition (sounds like Mary Poppins) is the character description, all others need not apply. There is no doubt that these are loving parents, but they are stymied as to how to connect with their son. And he makes himself so unlikable to boot, that who wants to spend time with him anyway.
These parents described to me the attempts they make to include him in family outings, but unfortunately those family outings are built around the younger sons sporting events. If you felt like the loser in the family would you want to go and watch your nemesis being the shining "star"? I think not. Dinners out with the family become a fighting match, with the older son antagonizing the younger one at the table or he just becomes such a pain in the a** that the parents just don't do that anymore.
The good news is that this 17 year old has some good attributes. He is not a party guy, doesn't drink, or do drugs. Not an easy feat for a teen these days. He is a steady girlfriend and some good friends, all really good signs. What is missing for him is connection with his mom and dad.
In families like this where there are obvious differences between the kids, it is so important to make each child feel important. With this family, it turns out the dad and the 17 year old share a love for movies, but the dad being so involved with the 12 year old's sporting life doesn't leave him much extra time to engage with his older son. How hard it must be to watch watch his dad go off every weekend with the younger brother. I encouraged the dad to make the time, maybe a Sunday night when together, just the two of them, go off for a night at the movies. Or the mom, when dad and 12 year go off to practice every Friday night, get some take out and a movie and just hang together and enjoy each others company.
Some kids do not make themselves lovable. They push you away, and tell you to go away. Ignore that!!! It's all a ruse to protect themselves from rejection. Never stop trying, drive them crazy with messages of "I love you". Do not buy them off with money or clothes or phones, or cars or doing their laundry, they love the stuff, but they are not stupid, and know that stuff is the easy stuff, the hard part, is for you the parents to keep at, not allowing their attitude and anger to push you away. It takes time for them to believe that in spite of not being "the perfect" kid they will always be "my kid", and that is enough, thank you very much!
Friday, October 7, 2011
Google Buzz... Omegle....Oh My !
This has been a busy week for me. I met with 1200 High School students and gave my seminar at three school. I have talked to much. But in my journey from one end of Massachusetts to the other, I learned a few things and would like to share them with you.
I heard from the Assistant Principal at the school where I mesmerized 1200 students. OK, maybe not mesmerized, but I did have their attention for some of the time. Anyway, she told me that a number ( I would like to say hundreds, but then I would be slightly exaggerating) of students made a point to come up and tell her that they liked my talk. A few seniors told her that the younger students really needed to hear what I had to say about sexting and texting and taking care of each other. (See 10/4 blog) The seniors perception was that the the 9th and and 10th graders are the ones in overdrive when it comes to the sexting issue and really do not get the risks involved. My takeaway for you parents is to underscore the worries of these seniors. Your teens need your help and your training when it comes to sharing information, naked or otherwise on any of their social networking devices.
To underscore this point. A parent of a 12 year old girl came up to me at the end of one of my seminars to share a story. This mom couldn't be more on top of the temptations of her daughter when it comes to facebook, texting et al. This mom is well versed in technology and teen behavior, but even she was surprised at what she found on her daughter's computer. There are anonymous chat rooms that teens like to frequent, the one in particular this mom mentioned was OMEGLE.COM. Apparently her 12 year old daughter was curious about this site (mom wasn't aware of this one) and visited it. She started chatting with what she thought was a boy her own age, and in her 12 year old naivete, she gave him her e-mail address. Mom monitors her daughter's e-mail, as the parent of a 12 ought to, and saw an e-mail from an unfamiliar account, opened it up to find pornography. The mom was shocked, how could this have happened? First, the mom didn't know about this omegle site, so had never even had a conversation with her daughter about these kinds of chat rooms, and never thought her 12 year old would even want to go on such a site. The daughter's "new friend" in this chat room, had asked for her e-mail address so they could correspond privately. Flattered by his attention, she gave him her e-mail address. I am hoping she stopped there and didn't share her phone number or address. Teens like attention, pure and simple. They pretty much don't care where it comes from, and lack the adult cynicism as in ( oh sure he wants to be your "friend", and have private conversations, said sarcastically) You need to talk to your teens, yes even the young ones about these kinds of chat rooms, and educate them as to the dangers of predators who lurk there.
Another parent at another talk shared this tip with me. I didn't know this but there is a new "facebook" called Google Buzz, and teens are going on this to the apparent ignorance of their parents. So here is what the kids do. Follow me on this: Teens go on facebook and willingly give their parents their facebook password and might even agree to friend them. Parents are euphoric with this information and feel safe and secure about their child's facebook use. BUT... here is what is really going on. Teen sets up an account on Google Buzz , unbeknownst to their parents, and posts whatever, secure in the knowledge that their parents are completely unaware of their membership in this new fun place. In addition, when you join Google Buzz, you automatically get a g-mail account. This gives teens a new private place to send and receive messages. Gotta keep up parents. This was new information for me. Teens are way ahead of us on this social networking stuff, and in order to keep them safe, you have got to be on your toes. (see paragraph above)
Finally today I would like to share a passage I read yesterday from a commencement address that Steve Jobs gave in 2005. He was not only a genius in the field of technology, but in human nature as well. I think this is such wonderful advice for all of us, and especially your teen as they begin to figure out just who they are.
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. "
I heard from the Assistant Principal at the school where I mesmerized 1200 students. OK, maybe not mesmerized, but I did have their attention for some of the time. Anyway, she told me that a number ( I would like to say hundreds, but then I would be slightly exaggerating) of students made a point to come up and tell her that they liked my talk. A few seniors told her that the younger students really needed to hear what I had to say about sexting and texting and taking care of each other. (See 10/4 blog) The seniors perception was that the the 9th and and 10th graders are the ones in overdrive when it comes to the sexting issue and really do not get the risks involved. My takeaway for you parents is to underscore the worries of these seniors. Your teens need your help and your training when it comes to sharing information, naked or otherwise on any of their social networking devices.
To underscore this point. A parent of a 12 year old girl came up to me at the end of one of my seminars to share a story. This mom couldn't be more on top of the temptations of her daughter when it comes to facebook, texting et al. This mom is well versed in technology and teen behavior, but even she was surprised at what she found on her daughter's computer. There are anonymous chat rooms that teens like to frequent, the one in particular this mom mentioned was OMEGLE.COM. Apparently her 12 year old daughter was curious about this site (mom wasn't aware of this one) and visited it. She started chatting with what she thought was a boy her own age, and in her 12 year old naivete, she gave him her e-mail address. Mom monitors her daughter's e-mail, as the parent of a 12 ought to, and saw an e-mail from an unfamiliar account, opened it up to find pornography. The mom was shocked, how could this have happened? First, the mom didn't know about this omegle site, so had never even had a conversation with her daughter about these kinds of chat rooms, and never thought her 12 year old would even want to go on such a site. The daughter's "new friend" in this chat room, had asked for her e-mail address so they could correspond privately. Flattered by his attention, she gave him her e-mail address. I am hoping she stopped there and didn't share her phone number or address. Teens like attention, pure and simple. They pretty much don't care where it comes from, and lack the adult cynicism as in ( oh sure he wants to be your "friend", and have private conversations, said sarcastically) You need to talk to your teens, yes even the young ones about these kinds of chat rooms, and educate them as to the dangers of predators who lurk there.
Another parent at another talk shared this tip with me. I didn't know this but there is a new "facebook" called Google Buzz, and teens are going on this to the apparent ignorance of their parents. So here is what the kids do. Follow me on this: Teens go on facebook and willingly give their parents their facebook password and might even agree to friend them. Parents are euphoric with this information and feel safe and secure about their child's facebook use. BUT... here is what is really going on. Teen sets up an account on Google Buzz , unbeknownst to their parents, and posts whatever, secure in the knowledge that their parents are completely unaware of their membership in this new fun place. In addition, when you join Google Buzz, you automatically get a g-mail account. This gives teens a new private place to send and receive messages. Gotta keep up parents. This was new information for me. Teens are way ahead of us on this social networking stuff, and in order to keep them safe, you have got to be on your toes. (see paragraph above)
Finally today I would like to share a passage I read yesterday from a commencement address that Steve Jobs gave in 2005. He was not only a genius in the field of technology, but in human nature as well. I think this is such wonderful advice for all of us, and especially your teen as they begin to figure out just who they are.
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. "
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