The Parent Consultant VS the Parent Director

In keeping with my current events theme this week, The Boston Globe had an interesting article on how toddlers learn. I know your kids are teens, but bear with me, there is a surprising connection here. A researcher from MIT conducted a study with 100 preschoolers. The experiment was as follows. Each toddler was presented with a toy that had multiple functions. One group of toddlers were shown one function of how this toy worked by a research assistant, then were left to their own devices to explore the toy. The other group of toddlers were given the toy with no instruction, and were left to their own devices to explore this toy.

The toddlers who were given some instruction, played with the toy in that one way, then got bored and stopped playing with it altogether. The group who was given no instruction, not only played with it longer, but through trial and error discovered the different ways this toy could be used. Simply put when direction was given,  there was no exploration. When no direction was given, there was much exploration. I don't know about you, but I think that developing problem solving skills is the main event of childhood and adolescence. It is what helps to develop confidence, and curiosity. Developing a personal identity requires it as does thriving in our new complicated world.

The term "helicopter parent" has been popularized of late, referring to parents who hover over their teens, involving themselves in all aspects of their teens life. Your choice as a parent is to either stand on the side lines and let your kids play the game of life, providing assistance when asked or needed versus getting in there with them and telling them how to play, what moves to make, and how to make those moves.

Like those toddlers who without instruction figured out how this somewhat complicated toy worked, your teens are driven to figure out their "toy" as well. If you figure it out for them, then they will grow to depend on you to always figure it out for them. This does not make for a healthy adult. I don't know about you, but hiring someone or marrying someone who hasn't learned how to problem solve might be a tough sell.

Some parents thrive on being the problem solver, the director of their kids lives. You are not being fired, just given a lateral move. Think of yourself as their consultant instead. The hours are way more flexible and now you have some time for yourself. Its all good.

No Naked Pictures Please

If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, do not take naked pictures of yourself in the bathroom mirror and send it off to a boy you think is your "boyfriend." This week is current events week. The newspapers seem to be filled with cautionary tales for parents of teens. Yesterday sleeping with a cell, today, taking naked pictures with a cell. This article should be a required family reading event. Perhaps at the dinner table, when you have their undivided attention. There is nothing like the real deal, reading a first hand account of a story that though your kids might deny they feel any connection with, has probably to some degree happened with someone they know.

Here is the link:http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/27/us/27sexting.html?_r=1&emc=eta1

In short, a 14 year old girl decided to go into her bathroom, take off her clothes, aim the camera on her phone into the bathroom mirror where she could take a picture of her naked body. Feeling satisfied with the pic, she sent it off to her "boyfriend." I use this term loosely. Middle school relationships have the shortest shelf-life of any relationship known to mankind. Days later, the "boyfriend" decided to break up with this girl. After the deed was done, he showed the picture of his "ex" to an ex-friend of his ex-girlfriend. Are you following me here?  This girl, after feeling somehow slighted by this ex-friend, sent the following text which captioned the naked picture of her ex-friend. "Ho alert! If you think this girl is a whore, then text this picture to all of your friends."

As you can imagine this picture spread like wildfire, not only through this middle school but also to the other 3 middle schools in this suburb of Olympia, Washington. But the story gets worse, because everyone of those kids passed on the picture and text to all of their friends, it just keeps on going. Fortunately, somewhere along the line, a parent who had been monitoring their kid's texting saw the picture and the authorities were contacted. They traced the origin to the ex boyfriend and ex friend, who ended up being led out of school in handcuffs, and into juvenile detention. Their future is unclear. There have been many mediation sessions with all involved, but for the girl whose naked body was streamed out there and beyond, it will never be over. Deciding to switch schools to start fresh this girl was recognized as the naked picture girl, and it started all over again for her.

This is scary stuff. Three young teens lives have been forever changed. Teens do not think through consequences. They live in the moment, and if that moment is powerful and awesome, and no one has drummed it into their heads that sending naked pictures, receiving naked pictures and them sending them on to a cast of thousands is illegal, immoral, hurtful, and life-altering, and not in a good way, they will just keep on doing it.  Your kids need to hear this message over and over and over, using stories, newspaper articles, and most importantly monitoring. Forget the issue of trust. This is not about trust or privacy, it is about temptation and safety. Here is your 'I get it moment' using the story above: "I get why this girl sent the picture. I get why the ex boyfriend showed it around,and I get why the ex friend thought it would be funny to send it out worldwide. I get this could happen to you. I need to make sure that you do not unknowingly get yourself into a situation that could end up like any of these kids. Maybe you have a crush on someone, maybe you are mad at one of your friends, and you might do something without really thinking it through. My job is to help you with this stuff. So for now, every now and then I will ask to look at your texts and pictures. I get this will feel invasive, I really won't read them that carefully, I just want to make sure there is nothing that is sexual, threatening, or hurtful. Most kids leave their phones places where someone can read them, thats how kids get in trouble. I love you and I want to make sure you are safe.

Remember that they way kids learn is through repetition. You can not have "the talk" and expect that they will "get it" They have to be reminded constantly. Do not be deterred when your teen tells you that are boring, and stupid. Somewhere in that brain of theirs you are making a dent.

Goodnight Moon, Goodnight Texting.

If I've told you once, I've told you a million times......no texting after bedtime!!!! I have been saying this for years, and yesterday The Boston Globe said it too.

http://www.boston.com/community/moms/articles/2011/03/27/on_call_all_night_can_leave_texting_teens_tired_out/.

Here are a few quotes from teens that were interviewed for this article:"When I'm texting someone I don't feel alone." "When you don't have your phone, you feel incomplete." "It's impolite not to respond if someone is coming to you with their problems." One teen interviewed said that she gets as many as 100 texts while she is in bed. "I just don't feel like myself if I don't have my phone near me or I'm not on it."

Read these and weep parents. We have created texting crazed monsters who no longer worry what's under their beds or hiding in their closet at bedtime, but instead we have created teens moving into adulthood who are terrified to be alone. This is not a healthy thing, either psychologically or physically. Adulthood requires us to have a confidence in our ability to deal with complex emotions: depression, anxiety, loneliness,  and stress All the things that challenge us as we deal with career, family, and transitions of life. Adolescence is a training ground for developing coping mechanisms for managing all of this. Of course reaching out to friends is an important strategy. Learning how to develop strong support systems is the main event of teen life. But it is equally important to know that we can also depend on ourselves in looking for a safe harbor. Look no further than a sleeping baby who sucks their thumb and hugs their teddy bear on their way to slumber.

Physically speaking, this is a no-brainer. Teens are just not getting enough sleep. Michael Rich, and expert at Children's Hospital says:"Children who text late into the night do not fall asleep as well and they don't enter the deep sleep of Stage 4 REM sleep, which is crucial to moving experiences and lessons of the day from short-term to long-term memory." So forget about academic tutors, SAT tutors, all a waste of money unless you can get your teen to sleep!

When I speak to parents about this issue, and simply state, no cellphones to bed, the floodgates open with comments from parents like:" but they use their phone as an alarm clock." or "I'll never be able to get their phone away from them." Hello...buy them an alarm clock, and who is in charge here?????

Getting your teen to accept that sleeping and cellphone use do not go together like two peas in a pod will be a challenge. Do a little homework first and look at your teen's phone bill. See if they are texting at night. If they are you have your ammunition, it they haven't been texting at night...yet, you are ahead of the game, cause it will happen.  If you go into battle about this, you will make a difficult situation worse. Do not approach your teen with a " I'm taking your phone away at bedtime, you're not sleeping, its my phone, get over it!!! This will not engender cooperation. Instead use this "I get it" moment. I get how important it is for you to have your phone with you in bed. I know you always like to be a thumb away from all your friends in case they need you, or if something is going on that is a "must know." but here is the thing, you need to sleep, you need to give your brain a rest, and you need learn and develop confidence in your ability to get yourself to sleep. I know this will be an adjustment, but I have complete confidence in you." Expect resistance, anger, and hostility. It will not be a pretty sight. No need to get defensive, just understand from their point of view, give a little shoulder shrug, and you're done.

Cell phone companies now have a service for a few extra bucks a month that will disable the outgoing and incoming calls/texts for a specific period of time, like 11 PM to 6 AM for example. I recommend this approach rather than physically taking the phone away so as to avoid a power struggle like: "Time to put the phone to bed." and then from your teen, "oh please just a few more minutes..." And we know how that will go. And for your teens who say this is their alarm clock, they get their alarm clock.

Stand firm on this one, it is matter of health!

Why Don't Boys Talk?: A Different Kind Of Silent Treatment

 I love doing my seminars because after I finish my presentation parents come up to me with such heartfelt questions. This parent, feeling at her wits end, just did not know how she could get her son to talk to her. She can see and sense that all is not well with him, he looks unhappy, seems lonely, and isolates himself in his room. This is not an intentional silent treatment as in the daughter who wouldn't talk to her parents for 2 months, but the story of a guy who probably just doesn't know what to say, cause he may not have a handle on what he is feeling, and is just full up to brim with emotion.

Boys and girls, men and women are different. Period. Our bodies are different, our driving hormones are different, and our culture raises us differently. I asked this mom what her son's father was like,wanting to find out what kind of model this boy had grown up with. Turns out the dad is not dissimilar to her son. A quiet guy, who keeps his feelings to himself. Mom also seemed somewhat introverted. I sensed she was in unfamiliar territory as she haltingly shared her story. This too was a woman who kept things to herself, but could see her son was in pain, and wanted so desperately to help him even if it meant going out of her own comfort zone. 

There are two things at play here. First this 14 year old boy is experiencing the world in a new way. He is probably uncomfortable with his new body, his new brain, and all the normal angst of adolescence. He may be in the middle of a transition time with old friends, some moving on to other people, leaving him with a void, and having no idea how to fill it. If he is a shy guy, then put his personality style into the mix, and you have a boy feeling all kinds of things he has never felt before, and no comfortable outlet to express it. If this is a family in which people mostly keep their feelings to themselves, this boy may not have the feeling language to communicate all that is going on with him. 

If your kid jumped out into the middle of the street and you saw a car coming, instinctively you would jump in to save him/her. In adolescence, your teen is jumping in the street on a regular basis, and you need to have a huge repertoire of life-saving techniques. A very important one may be looking at your own behavior, personality and attitudes and evaluate the model you have presented to your kids about how to handle life's ups and downs. In this family, this boy may not been given the tools to unravel his own feelings. Instead he is following the family legacy of shutting down and keeping those things locked up inside. How wonderful would it be for the dad to say to his son: "You know I'm not very good at this feeling thing. I know I don't talk much at all about what's going on with me, and like you, I didn't talk at all to my parents. But I can see that you have a lot on your mind. I know what that feels like. I remember when I was your age.........(share some stories, insights). I get talking to your mom and me might feel uncomfortable, cause I feel like that a lot even now as an adult. But I love you, and we can work on this together." Insert here any observations like: "I notice you don't seem to be hanging with so and so anymore, or you used to love playing soccer, it feels like something has changed for you..." Rather than asking questions, try to make observations of changes you have noticed, sometimes that can help open him up.

Raising a teen requires parents to take a good, hard look at their own life and how they live it. Your teen's level of awareness of who you are and how you handle the storms and stresses of life has never been more important. This can be a time for enormous new growth for you. A good therapist costs a ton of money, just ask me, let your teen do it for free.

Joani's Top Ten Parenting tips

In celebration of my 101st blog entry since I started this whole project (yay me) I decided to do a top ten list of what I think are the most important tips in raising a teen. Here they are in no particular order:

1. Encourage your teen to think for him/herself. Restrain yourself from being the chief problem solver of their life even if they ask you to be that for them. If you want them to make good choices when you are not around, you need to encourage them to try to problem solve when you are around. Practice makes perfect!

2. Try not to ask a zillion questions. You won't get the answers you want anyway, and they stopped listening at hello. Try starting with a discussion about your day, or some neutral subject, and engage them in a conversation before you start the interrogation.

3. Try to refrain from going on the "lecture circuit." I know you have a lot of wisdom and life lessons to impart, but when you see their eyes roll up into their head, you have probably lost the moment. A good speaker always reads their audience. If you are living a life filled with purpose, and model for them what it means to be a good person, then you won't need to tell them what it means to be a good person. They "get it."

4. As uncomfortable as you may be, you gotta talk about sex. Do it with honesty, candor, and understanding, not judgement. Talk about your own struggles, and experiences when you were a teen, especially those moments of which you are the least proud. If they know that you made some stupid decisions in your life when it came to sex, they will feel freer to share their questions and worries. Nobody likes a goody goody!

5. When it comes to alcohol and drugs, make your house safe. The first place kids look for forbidden fruit is in your garden. Again, you need to have honest discussions, sans judgement, understanding that they will be in situations they have never been in before, and will be "tempted by the fruit." Help them to anticipate these situations, and problem solve about ways to stay safe.

6. Do not rule with an iron fist. This may have worked when they were younger and liked rules and regulations. Your teen needs to be a part of the rule making if you don't want them to be a rule breaker. Teens will easily resort to lying when they feel you have left no room for negotiation and conversation. Most kids are actually pretty reasonable, and when given the opportunity to have some control will rise to the occasion, and conversely if they feel too over controlled will try to take it.

8. Absolutely set limits (with their input) with cell phones, computers and video games. Just like you let them eat only a few pieces of Halloween candy a night when they were younger so they wouldn't gorge themselves, you need to see these devices in the same way. No cell phones to bed, a set amount of time for no cell phone or  face book during homework time. And include them in looking at their phone bill on a regular basis. Mindfulness not mindlessness.

9. Find multiple moments to express your appreciation, and pride in them. This might be near to impossible sometimes, but there is nothing more important. I'm not talking about good test scores or term grades, but a moment of kindness caught, maybe a nice moment with a younger sibling, or a sweet conversation with a grandparent or maybe after a tough week of school, and sports or play rehearsals, appreciating them for taking on so much. Maybe its just an out of the blue" you're a good kid, and maybe I don't tell you that enough."

10. And finally, please find some fun with your teen. Hang out, watch TV, bring in some pizza or Chinese food, go to the driving range, play a video game, listen to music with them, go get manis and pedis, bake a cake, take the dog for a walk, go shopping, anything that may give you a moment, maybe just a moment, of sweetness with your kid.

When The Silent Treatment Is Deafening

I met a mom the other day who asked me with such pain in her eyes what to do about her 16 year old daughter who in anger had said to her " I will not speak to you again until I can move out at 18!" That was 2 months ago. The parents stood in front of me that night feeling so hurt and so powerless. The mom bought the silent treatment, hook, line and sinker, and also has not talked to her daughter in these 2 months. Talk about a stand-off. The dad feeling stuck in the middle of the two women he loves, chooses to do nothing rather than look like he is taking sides. 

This is an extreme case, but I too remember as a teen, when I felt my mother had misunderstood me so badly that to get back at her I would not talk to her.... forever. Forever turned out to be a few days. Not sure who flinched first, but I know I'm not really good at holding a grudge, but some kids AND some parents are good at grudge holding. Both parties are waiting for the other to apologize, and for two stubborn people this waiting can turn into months as in the mom and daughter above. That is two months too many of wasted time and energy. 

When a perceived injustice occurs, and your teen states emphatically that they hate you, and they can't wait to move out, and they will never speak to you again, and then they don't speak to you for days or weeks at a time, and you reciprocate with silence something has gone terribly wrong. Your teen is angry and hurt for whatever reason, as are you. Perhaps you are a stubborn person, who holds on to hurt and find yourself saying:"fine,  if she/he doesn't want to talk to me, that's her/his choice, but I can play the same game, and lets see how much they like it!" What kind of model is that? Teens are emotional. Their brain chemistry feeds that flame like air to a fire. Your job is to slowly and carefully find your way into the fire, and get everyone to safety. 

You need to keep the door open so that your teen might find their way back in, and save face doing it. They have laid down a gauntlet and now feel obliged to walk it whether they really want to or not. Every night before bed, every morning when they get up, you continue to express your love for them regardless and without expectations. Your teen needs to know that no matter how much they have hurt you, (and perhaps they feel you have hurt them) you always always love them. Texts sent to their phone, cards left on their bed, e-mails sent to their computer, whatever you need to do to let them know that you are ready whenever they are to figure this issue out. Some I get it moments: " I get how angry you are, or I get how hurt you are, or I get you need time, and I respect that. But I love you and I know we can figure out what went wrong here. I can't change if I don't know or understand what can make you so angry with me that you can't even talk to me. I love you, and there is nothing more important to me than figuring out what has gone wrong."This message has to be given without guilt and anger if you truly want to open the doors of communication. Anger breeds anger. Having a child who feels so negatively towards you is unbearable, so much so that many parents don't want to open Pandora's box. Your teen will be brutally honest when the flood gates open and you need to be prepared for that. If your relationship has deteriorated to this extreme, I'm guessing that blame lies with both parties. Modeling ownership of your own part in this allows your teen to do the same. Who flinches first....you do!!

Trust Is A Tricky Thing

After my seminar last night a parent came up to ask me a question about her 15 year old daughter. She asked: "What do you do when your kid betrays your trust? Can and how do you rebuild it?" Such a great question, and one that is complicated to answer. Trust is a tricky issue with teens. The adult perspective is that someone earns your trust by basically showing through their behavior that they understand and respect your expectations, and that after a period of time you can successfully predict that they can perform the behavior that meets your expectations. I have no idea if that really makes any sense. But I just reread it and I'm going with it!! Because adults have more life experience, and more ability to think things through, it is realistic to expect that when an adult ( a friend, a spouse or family member) betrays your trust it is with full understanding of what they are doing. That a cognitive choice has been made, I know I am not supposed to be doing this, and I am doing it anyway.

Teens do not come to the table with life experience, and an ability to think things through. So when the term "trust" gets thrown around with your teen, it might set everyone up for failure. I think that the issue between teens and their parents is not so much about trust, but about temptation. Teens do not live in a thinking brain. Which is to say, yes they can think, but they don't often think things through. They live in a feeling brain. It is their spontaneity and impulsivity that drives their behavior. The "awesomeness" of it all. So in the moment when an "awesomeness" comes around, it is in direct conflict with a behavior that if acted on would be a betrayal of your trust. So for example, if your teen promises you that they won't go to a party where there are no parents present, and then you find out that they lied and indeed went to that party with no parents present, you would define that as a betrayal of trust. Which indeed could be defined that way. But here is another way of looking at the incident. She and her friends drive up to the party. Your teen asks her friend, "do you think their parents are home?" "What are you kidding, NO" Now your teen has a dilemma. She knows on the one hand she is not supposed to go into this house with no parents, yet she watches as carfuls of kids walk into said home, carefree and seemingly feeling completely conflict free about their decision. She knows on the one hand she is not supposed to (trust issue) but wants to so bad cause everyone is, she'll look like a loser if she says no, the cute boy she has a crush on and her friends tell her has a crush on her is inside, she feels like she looks really cute (has on a good outfit), oh what's a girl to do....she goes in!!  I would see this as a temptation issue. Imagine how hard it is to walk away from all that "goodness".

So here is your "I get it" moment with trust. Using the above example, rather than going to the "you have betrayed my trust, you lied, you're grounded, place. Instead you might say something like this. "I found out that the parents were not home, and I thought we had an understanding that you are not to go into a house with no parents. On the other hand, I get how hard it must be when you are actually in the car, in front of the house and desperate to go it. I know you want to do the right thing, but when you see your friends all going in I get how hard it would be just to walk away. We need to figure out a plan so that when you are in this situation again, you might be able to do something different rather than lie. Maybe you call, and let me know the parents aren't home. Maybe I will say, that you go in and say hi, stay a few minutes and then I will pick you up around the corner. This way you get to save face, stay safe, see your cute boy, and then feign illness or an early morning family gathering, and slip out the door."

The issue here is to recognize the power of the moment, and how unrealistic it is for you to expect that when your teen is full of impulse and excitement that they will be able to do the right thing. If they feel they can call you with this dilemma and "trust" that you won't yell at them, but instead help them with it, then hopefully you can bypass the lying and the sneakiness.   Encourage honesty by offering help.