Some jobs pay money, some jobs pay dividends, and some change your life. The work of a teen is to change their life. This is unsettling, exciting, and terrifying, and that's just what you as a parent are feeling. Gone is the predictability of life. Monday is Soccer, Tuesday is piano, Wednesday is dance/chess, Thursday is some sort of religious training. Its all on the calendar, the proper equipment is in place, and you know where and what your kids will be doing. And then, its over. The whining, the complaining, I hate piano, I don't believe in God, I hate sports. Your well-laid plan for a piano playing, soccer, dancer, rich in core beliefs is slipping away. Your teen wants to quit it all.
Here is why. Your teen has seen the light. He/she has stepped up the buffet of life, no longer satisfied with what you have picked for him/her to "eat". Perhaps you put your then 6 year old in kinderkick, and he/she showed an early aptitude for soccer. The coach said so!! So year after year soccer was played, travel teams, school teams, soccer camp in the summer, and it took on a life of its own. Now at 15, your teen is really good, and perhaps you see a college scholarship in your/their future, but they start to complain about practice, the coach, etc, and want to quit. Just because your teen has an inborn talent for soccer, doesn't mean they actually like it.
As the brain develops in the teen years, one of the new abilities is to analyze and think more deeply about things. As a 10 year-old, your child basically went along with "the schedule" not really questioning much about it except, where are taking me now? As a teen, they are starting to question it all. Do I like soccer, do I believe in God, do I like piano? This is a good thing...yes it is!!!! But it also means that everything is up for grabs. Perhaps you are really attached to their life as a soccer player, perhaps you were even the coach, or helped out with the team, or you love music, and you loved that your teen played the piano or violin. This all feels like a loss, and you might resist any change fearing that your teen is just turning into a quitter.
The bottom line is now your teen has to want to do these things because they want to, not because you want them to. This is the work of developing a personal identity. And the way teens do this is through trial and error. Sometimes it does look flaky. Are they just saying they don't want to play piano anymore because practicing takes away from valuable friend-time? maybe, and is that OK? Yes. Unless your teen is going to be a concert pianist and is heading off to Julliard,(if this is the case, they won't want to quit) maybe they have had enough, and want to put that energy into something else. I once worked with a parent whose daughter had been on a swim team since she was 8. Now at 16 she was sick to death of getting up at 5 in the morning to hit the pool for practice, then again at 6 in the evening for another round. She was the star of the team, and the coach relied heavily on her for the wins. The parents, also heavily involved had given up a lot for her to do the swimming, and were now enjoying the fruits of their labor, I mean her labor as she racked up the gold medals. But here is the thing, the daughter was miserable, she was sick of it all, the practice time, the pressure, and feeling like she had no time to be with friends, and wanted to try her hand at other things. Rather than listen to her, her coach and her parents worked hard to convince her that she was letting herself down, her coach down and her family down after all they had done for her. Well that was the kiss of death, because this girl felt she wasn't being heard, and began acting out; drinking, staying out late, being defiant, and becoming a really really angry person.
It is really important for your teens to find things in their lives that give them feelings of joy, self-confidence and competence. Teens also need to begin to find what these things are for themselves. The expectation of parents should be that this can be a time for exploration. The choice isn't whether to do something, but what the something is. Too much free unstructured time is lethal. If school is over at 1:40 or 2:30 that leaves whole afternoons needing to be filled. If your teen is ready to quit a sport or a musical instrument, and is making your life miserable here is your" I get it " moment: "I get you are tired of X. I know you have been doing this for a long time, and maybe you want to do something else, or do stuff that your friends are doing. Here is the thing. I just want you to really think about about what you don't like about it anymore, and what it is you would like to do instead." Sometimes, kids have been involved with something that no longer seems cool, and because of that all-mighty self-consciousness want to give up something they actually like but feel embarrassed about. Make sure you validate that for them rather than making them feel bad for thinking that way. It is totally normal. Maybe you can help them strategize how to keep doing that thing, but add in something that feels cooler. But always support the adventure of seeking out new things no matter what the motivation. Sometimes you find a new passion because you follow along with a friend. You just never know, it's all part of the journey.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Liar, liar, pants on fire
Maybe George Washington never told a lie, but I know few people, adults or children who don't resort to some sort of fabricating, stretching of the truth or outright lying when faced with confrontation. Even from a young age, as early as 3, kids seem to intuitively avoid feelings of shame. For example, "did you do something to make the baby cry?" said in an accusing tone to your 3 year-old may follow with, "No, uh, uh not me. It was the dog who did it!" as the reply. As your children get older, the dog excuse again comes in handy when confronted by their teacher about the missing homework, as in "the dog ate it." Moving into the teenage years, the length and breadth of the lies seems to intensify, as does their creativity. This occurs to such extremes that teens start to believe their own "stories" and become indignant upon being discovered.
As adults we often find ourselves in situations in which we use lying as a way to avoid hurting someone's feelings or to get ourselves out of uncomfortable situations. Kids observe us squirming our way through these situations and wonder why it's OK for us to "tell stories" but not OK for them. All right parents, you have to admit they do have us on that one. The job for parents is to figure out the difference between the harmless lies (the ones we tell) and the ones that mean your child is involving himself or herself in situations that you feel are inappropriate. In either case, you must create a climate in which there is a positive payoff for truth telling.
Additionally, you need to do some self-analysis to determine whether your child is lying to you because your demands are usually non-negotiable and sometimes unrealistic. Remember that if parents say no too many times to too many things, your child will start to do them anyway. Kids cite this reason most often for lying to their parents, "they never let me do anything." Granted, some requests are off the wall. But instead of a carte-blanche "NO" - offer some alternatives that might make both parties happy and reduce the need for secrecy and lying.
Here are my three golden rules to encourage open honest communication.
As adults we often find ourselves in situations in which we use lying as a way to avoid hurting someone's feelings or to get ourselves out of uncomfortable situations. Kids observe us squirming our way through these situations and wonder why it's OK for us to "tell stories" but not OK for them. All right parents, you have to admit they do have us on that one. The job for parents is to figure out the difference between the harmless lies (the ones we tell) and the ones that mean your child is involving himself or herself in situations that you feel are inappropriate. In either case, you must create a climate in which there is a positive payoff for truth telling.
Additionally, you need to do some self-analysis to determine whether your child is lying to you because your demands are usually non-negotiable and sometimes unrealistic. Remember that if parents say no too many times to too many things, your child will start to do them anyway. Kids cite this reason most often for lying to their parents, "they never let me do anything." Granted, some requests are off the wall. But instead of a carte-blanche "NO" - offer some alternatives that might make both parties happy and reduce the need for secrecy and lying.
Here are my three golden rules to encourage open honest communication.
- Truth telling is encouraged through calm, loving, two-way conversation.
- Leave room for negotiating and shared decision making.
- Everybody makes mistakes.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Sexy and the twelve year old girl
| At one of my parenting parties the other night, a mother of a 12 year old girl asked me a question about the appropriate dress for a 12 year old girl. I asked her to be more specific and she went on to describe the cleavage action her daughter displays in her low-cut tee shirt. I heard a few murmurs of jealousy from my middle-aged group of moms, I think wishing they had a cleavage problem, but that's another discussion. I resisted an eyebrow raise, hearing my own mother's voice in my head, "you are not leaving the house in that shirt young lady. But this is not 1965, so instead of drawing from my own experience I will attempt to use my expert's hat. To finish the story, this mom went onto say that she didn't feel like there wasn't anything she could do or say. How could she possibly be able to compete with today's culture, blahblah magazines, TV etc. OK so parents, this kid is 12, you are still very much the bottom line. The trick is to get your kid to do what you want without challenging them to go put that t-shirt on in the girl's bathroom when they get to school. Use your relationship, humor, and demonstrations to get them to see your point. To use your relationship, you might say that you totally understand how dressing like a slut, no only kidding, OK start over, you could say that you totally understand that she is proud of her body, that's a good thing, you are a beautiful girl, and I am so happy you like the way you look, but that is not something that she needs to present to the world quite yet. You might put on a revealing top yourself, and then ask her how it would feel to go visit her classroom to help out in such a revealing shirt. I would say that you understand that attention definitely feels good, but that you would rather see her get some attention from achieving something rather than from showing her hot little body. Also remember parents you have the money, so when you go shopping exercise your veto power. This doesn't mean she has to dress like a puritan, but cleavage or butt cracks at 12 are definitely a no no. You can also explain that this is a safety issue, and that when she is older she will have more experience and ability to deal with the attention especially if it is unwanted by scummy old man or young man, for that matter, and your job as a parent is to keep her safe. You might also go over the rules of the school, most school now have dress codes and so your work will be done for you. And by the way, if your young tween is already dressing like a 16 year old she is probably also behaving like one, overly flirtatious, and provocative. If she is that needy for attention you need to figure out why. Because at 12 she is spending more time imitating and fantasying about the future rather than being happy and excited about the present. |
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Too Much Too Soon
Today I feel like an old fuddy duddy. During coaching sessions with parents recently, and at my seminars, I am always asked about whether parents should buy their kids Iphones, or Ipads, or Itouchs? As I answer I hear my mother's voice in my head, what does a 16 year old need with a fancy phone like that? Whether that sounds like an old fart or not, so be it. Kids do not need fancy phones or the most updated technology. Here are two reasons. First, all these fancy phones provide your teens with unlimited access to the Internet, and downloads. No need to hang with the family, I can just download my favorite TV show or movie and watch it on my Iphone or Ipad. If your teen wasn't distracted enough with texting just think of all the ways he/she can while away the hours on their new toy. Here is the thing, for adults, having all this technology is useful in our workplace, ability to organize and optimize our busy lives, and yes have fun as well. As adults we also hopefully have the experience to know when enough is enough, and can shut off and rejoin our families and friends and colleagues for that face to face time. Teens DO NOT have that experience, do not have that discipline and perspective and do not realize that spending hours upon hours on phones and computers can be detrimental to their life, as they are too distracted to give their full attention to the really important things like homework and family. What starts out as a wonderful gift, and a moment of gratitude from your teen, ends up with arguments galore like" if you don't put away that damn phone, and do your homework, I will take it away." You are now faced with the daily power struggle of pulling your teen away from their favorite toy. And the sad part is that it was totally avoidable.
Here is reason two why kids don't need the best: Vanishing Markers. Remember when you were little kids and you wanted to stay up later, or you wanted to get your ears pierced, or get a bigger, fancier bike, or wear certain kinds of clothes or see certain kinds of movies, your parents would say: "When your older you will be able to ........" As children we looked forward to those "markers" that would signify a move towards "being old enough". Rites of passage, and markers that suggest maturity are important to growth. These markers are becoming fewer and fewer. Just 10 years ago, buying your child their own computer was the high school graduation, going to college present. It was a gift that signified achievement and moving forward. It was an important psychological marker. When a teen got their license, it used to be that getting the first car was a symbol of this new move into independence. Just happy to be driving something of their own, the clunkier the better, Grandma's old car was perfect. Now I am still surprised as I drive around the college campus where I teach to see kids driving around in cars I still aspire too, the hottest, newest models on the market. See I am a fuddy duddy, maybe I'm just jealous. Will you be my mother??
We have left few things for our kids to aspire too. We used to have clothing markers, privilege markers, music markers, etc. Now sex and music, clothes and technology, alcohol and drugs all start with kids too young too appreciate and understand their significance. We are raising a generation of youth who expect and feel entitled to the newest and the best. There is value in understanding that we don't get everything we want when we want it. Somethings are worth waiting for and when they do come are more appreciated and valued. Remember teens live in the moment. It is the adults in their life that need to help them to look towards the future. That old-fashioned work ethic that our forefathers and foremothers taught our parents that nothing is just given to you, if you want something you have to work hard for it, seems to have gotten lost in translation. It is OK to say no to your kids. It is OK to say these things cost a lot of money, and that is not how we choose to spend it. It is OK to say, what you have is enough!
Here is reason two why kids don't need the best: Vanishing Markers. Remember when you were little kids and you wanted to stay up later, or you wanted to get your ears pierced, or get a bigger, fancier bike, or wear certain kinds of clothes or see certain kinds of movies, your parents would say: "When your older you will be able to ........" As children we looked forward to those "markers" that would signify a move towards "being old enough". Rites of passage, and markers that suggest maturity are important to growth. These markers are becoming fewer and fewer. Just 10 years ago, buying your child their own computer was the high school graduation, going to college present. It was a gift that signified achievement and moving forward. It was an important psychological marker. When a teen got their license, it used to be that getting the first car was a symbol of this new move into independence. Just happy to be driving something of their own, the clunkier the better, Grandma's old car was perfect. Now I am still surprised as I drive around the college campus where I teach to see kids driving around in cars I still aspire too, the hottest, newest models on the market. See I am a fuddy duddy, maybe I'm just jealous. Will you be my mother??
We have left few things for our kids to aspire too. We used to have clothing markers, privilege markers, music markers, etc. Now sex and music, clothes and technology, alcohol and drugs all start with kids too young too appreciate and understand their significance. We are raising a generation of youth who expect and feel entitled to the newest and the best. There is value in understanding that we don't get everything we want when we want it. Somethings are worth waiting for and when they do come are more appreciated and valued. Remember teens live in the moment. It is the adults in their life that need to help them to look towards the future. That old-fashioned work ethic that our forefathers and foremothers taught our parents that nothing is just given to you, if you want something you have to work hard for it, seems to have gotten lost in translation. It is OK to say no to your kids. It is OK to say these things cost a lot of money, and that is not how we choose to spend it. It is OK to say, what you have is enough!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
To Drive Or Not To Drive, That Is the Question?
I had a request from a parent today to write about teens and driving. This is an issue for parents that is fraught with ambivalence. I want my teen to drive, he/she can do errands for me. I don't want my teen to drive it terrifies me. I want my teen to drive, it is a right of passage and teaches responsibility. I don't want my teen to drive he/she is too easily distracted, and it terrifies me. I want my teen to drive, then I can go to bed early on Friday and Saturday nights and I won't have to schlep him/her around. I don't want my teen to drive, I'll lose control of where he/she goes and it terrifies me. Does this two-sided conversation sound familiar?
First, teens have been learning to drive at age 16 forever, literally, so someone at some point must have thought it was the right age. If you are a nervous nelly by nature, perhaps you are not the person to teach your teen to drive, or at least not the person to teach them to merge onto a busy highway. It is important for you to know your own limitations when it comes to taking your teen out for a practice drive. Do what you feel comfortable doing. Your teen will feel nervous enough without having to deal with your nervous breakdown. If you are comfortable driving around the back streets of your neighborhood for a half hour, that is still useful drive time. Practice is practice. Perhaps your partner, aunt/uncle, neighbor, person you hire off Craig's list can be the passenger for the practice you feel uncomfortable with. Your teen needs to feel your confidence in him/her, and constantly giving a play by play is not only annoying but potentially dangerous as well. The reality is that your teen needs a lot of practice time. If you are nervous, try going on short trips to the gas station, drug store and pizza parlor. Getting a license is a family affair and a commitment, and it is a right of passage that is meaningful. Getting a license is both a reality and a metaphor for the independence teens need to feel to be ready to take on life. It really is important to support that independence and show confidence in their ability to take on this new and important responsibility. This is training for life.
Should all kids get their licenses. NO. If your teen has been avoiding taking responsibility in other areas of their life, than working towards their license seems counterproductive. A license is not an entitlement. It is a privilege granted to those that have shown in other areas of their life that they can be responsible. If you have a teen whose school performance leaves something to be desired, perhaps working on the drivers license becomes the incentive to be more responsible for school performance. If your teen regularly flaunts curfews and house rules, and is suspected of fooling around with drugs and alcohol, than your I get it moment might be: 'I get that teens fool around with drugs and alcohol, or try to screw around with the rules, but you have come in a number of times smelling of booze or pot, or you are constantly late for curfew, and aren't always truthful about what you are up to on the weekends and that makes me wary of supporting you getting your license. Until I feel that you are being more responsible, and show us that you can follow through on what you say you are going to do, than we won't sign off on the license or even learners permit."
It is normal to feel apoplectic, and most kids do great and rise to the challenge. But if there are other red flags waving in the wind, pay attention to your gut, and act accordingly. It is also your responsibility to make sure that your teen is educated and understands that cell phone use is verboten in the car. Yes there is a law now, but again, just saying don't do it, is not helpful. Help them to come up with strategies for where to put their phone as soon as they get in the car, so they don't feel tempted or have easy access to just make that "quick call". Perhaps get in the habit of as soon as they get in the car, they shut off their phone and put it in the glove compartment, or for girls, shut it off and put it in their pocketbook and in the back seat. They need your help with creating these rituals.
The bottom line is you will always be nervous. My daughter is 27 and when she visits and takes the car, I am a wreck, and she is a good driver. This is a parents' cross to bear. We love our kids so much we cannot bear the thought that something might happen to them. And we have to get over it. Eventually they will need to get out of the neighborhood and get on the highway just like in real life. Confidence comes from practice, and than a leap of faith. There is no prescription for how long it takes to master a car. I know a ton of adults I would never drive with, and they have been driving for 40 years. Give your teen the practice they need to feel competent, the rituals they need to have to be safe, and the love and support to be responsible. and then just close your eyes and hope for the best.
First, teens have been learning to drive at age 16 forever, literally, so someone at some point must have thought it was the right age. If you are a nervous nelly by nature, perhaps you are not the person to teach your teen to drive, or at least not the person to teach them to merge onto a busy highway. It is important for you to know your own limitations when it comes to taking your teen out for a practice drive. Do what you feel comfortable doing. Your teen will feel nervous enough without having to deal with your nervous breakdown. If you are comfortable driving around the back streets of your neighborhood for a half hour, that is still useful drive time. Practice is practice. Perhaps your partner, aunt/uncle, neighbor, person you hire off Craig's list can be the passenger for the practice you feel uncomfortable with. Your teen needs to feel your confidence in him/her, and constantly giving a play by play is not only annoying but potentially dangerous as well. The reality is that your teen needs a lot of practice time. If you are nervous, try going on short trips to the gas station, drug store and pizza parlor. Getting a license is a family affair and a commitment, and it is a right of passage that is meaningful. Getting a license is both a reality and a metaphor for the independence teens need to feel to be ready to take on life. It really is important to support that independence and show confidence in their ability to take on this new and important responsibility. This is training for life.
Should all kids get their licenses. NO. If your teen has been avoiding taking responsibility in other areas of their life, than working towards their license seems counterproductive. A license is not an entitlement. It is a privilege granted to those that have shown in other areas of their life that they can be responsible. If you have a teen whose school performance leaves something to be desired, perhaps working on the drivers license becomes the incentive to be more responsible for school performance. If your teen regularly flaunts curfews and house rules, and is suspected of fooling around with drugs and alcohol, than your I get it moment might be: 'I get that teens fool around with drugs and alcohol, or try to screw around with the rules, but you have come in a number of times smelling of booze or pot, or you are constantly late for curfew, and aren't always truthful about what you are up to on the weekends and that makes me wary of supporting you getting your license. Until I feel that you are being more responsible, and show us that you can follow through on what you say you are going to do, than we won't sign off on the license or even learners permit."
It is normal to feel apoplectic, and most kids do great and rise to the challenge. But if there are other red flags waving in the wind, pay attention to your gut, and act accordingly. It is also your responsibility to make sure that your teen is educated and understands that cell phone use is verboten in the car. Yes there is a law now, but again, just saying don't do it, is not helpful. Help them to come up with strategies for where to put their phone as soon as they get in the car, so they don't feel tempted or have easy access to just make that "quick call". Perhaps get in the habit of as soon as they get in the car, they shut off their phone and put it in the glove compartment, or for girls, shut it off and put it in their pocketbook and in the back seat. They need your help with creating these rituals.
The bottom line is you will always be nervous. My daughter is 27 and when she visits and takes the car, I am a wreck, and she is a good driver. This is a parents' cross to bear. We love our kids so much we cannot bear the thought that something might happen to them. And we have to get over it. Eventually they will need to get out of the neighborhood and get on the highway just like in real life. Confidence comes from practice, and than a leap of faith. There is no prescription for how long it takes to master a car. I know a ton of adults I would never drive with, and they have been driving for 40 years. Give your teen the practice they need to feel competent, the rituals they need to have to be safe, and the love and support to be responsible. and then just close your eyes and hope for the best.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Skins: MTV's must see TV for teens
MTV has done it again. First it was The Real World, the first reality show allowing us to be flies on the wall as groups of twenty-somethings lived in cool cities, and had a lot of sex and drank a lot of booze. Now they have come up with a very original show (I'm being facetious) about teens having a lot of sex and drinking a lot of booze. Full disclosure here, I have not seen the show yet, but I have seen a number of clips and I feel pretty confident that I get the drift.
Parent groups are up in arms, as are advertisers feeling that the graphic portrayal of these kids is not only over the top, but that they are using actual 14 and 15 year old teens as the actors. Usually these kinds of shows depicting the "secret life of teens" (again I am being facetious, how secret can their lives be when they are all over the TV) use "kids" who are well into their twenties and know the difference between acting and real life. Using "real teens" does cross the line. These kids don't have the experience, and ability yet to separate fiction from real life, and putting 14 and 15 year olds in very provocative sexual situations, and pretending to be extremely trashed on a regular basis seems extremely irresponsible.
Ok, enough pontificating, the point here is that judging by the numbers of kids who watched SKINS last week, your teen might be among them. And the prediction is that the number of kids watching this show will grow exponentially as the buzz spreads. The show airs at 10 PM so even if you have forbid the watching of this show, it is likely that your teen either stays up later than you and will watch it anyway, or will watch it at a friends house who has DVR'd it. Though I am disgusted with this show, the devil you know, I think applies her. Asking to watch this show with your teen is alway preferable, but your request may be denied. Plan B, watch it at another time or in another room. In the car, having coffee, at the dinner table, these are all good times to talk about the show with your teen. Try being less judgmental about the awfulness of the show, and instead try to focus more on the characters and the behaviors of the teens. How must it feel to have to be at that party? How hard it must be for that boy or that girl dealing with the pressure of that sexual situation? These are good times to use your I Get It moments as in: "I get that you might be in situations similar to these kids, maybe not this extreme, but kids getting so drunk they pass out, and kids getting into sexual situations because they are so drunk they don't know what they are doing and end up feeling so ashamed the next day. I'm guessing if kids felt like they had an out to some of these situations, they might not get into them. You know if you are ever in situation like this, you can always walk out the door, text me, and I will meet you around the corner so no one will see you, or you can just walk around a party with a beer or glass but not drink it, or tell kids you are on allergy meds and can't drink, or your parents have noses like blood hounds. I can help you. I just want you to be safe. I love you."
Helping your kids to stay safe, and to make good decisions is your job. At the risk of being repetitive, your kids do not have experience in dealing with most of these situations and get themselves into trouble because they don't know what to do. That's why they need your help. Just threatening to punish them, ground them, take away their phone and computer does not help them in the moment when they are faced with some tough decisions. Giving them game plans do. If watching SKINS with your teens opens up opportunities for problem solving, so be it. Make some popcorn, curl up on the couch, and away you go!
Parent groups are up in arms, as are advertisers feeling that the graphic portrayal of these kids is not only over the top, but that they are using actual 14 and 15 year old teens as the actors. Usually these kinds of shows depicting the "secret life of teens" (again I am being facetious, how secret can their lives be when they are all over the TV) use "kids" who are well into their twenties and know the difference between acting and real life. Using "real teens" does cross the line. These kids don't have the experience, and ability yet to separate fiction from real life, and putting 14 and 15 year olds in very provocative sexual situations, and pretending to be extremely trashed on a regular basis seems extremely irresponsible.
Ok, enough pontificating, the point here is that judging by the numbers of kids who watched SKINS last week, your teen might be among them. And the prediction is that the number of kids watching this show will grow exponentially as the buzz spreads. The show airs at 10 PM so even if you have forbid the watching of this show, it is likely that your teen either stays up later than you and will watch it anyway, or will watch it at a friends house who has DVR'd it. Though I am disgusted with this show, the devil you know, I think applies her. Asking to watch this show with your teen is alway preferable, but your request may be denied. Plan B, watch it at another time or in another room. In the car, having coffee, at the dinner table, these are all good times to talk about the show with your teen. Try being less judgmental about the awfulness of the show, and instead try to focus more on the characters and the behaviors of the teens. How must it feel to have to be at that party? How hard it must be for that boy or that girl dealing with the pressure of that sexual situation? These are good times to use your I Get It moments as in: "I get that you might be in situations similar to these kids, maybe not this extreme, but kids getting so drunk they pass out, and kids getting into sexual situations because they are so drunk they don't know what they are doing and end up feeling so ashamed the next day. I'm guessing if kids felt like they had an out to some of these situations, they might not get into them. You know if you are ever in situation like this, you can always walk out the door, text me, and I will meet you around the corner so no one will see you, or you can just walk around a party with a beer or glass but not drink it, or tell kids you are on allergy meds and can't drink, or your parents have noses like blood hounds. I can help you. I just want you to be safe. I love you."
Helping your kids to stay safe, and to make good decisions is your job. At the risk of being repetitive, your kids do not have experience in dealing with most of these situations and get themselves into trouble because they don't know what to do. That's why they need your help. Just threatening to punish them, ground them, take away their phone and computer does not help them in the moment when they are faced with some tough decisions. Giving them game plans do. If watching SKINS with your teens opens up opportunities for problem solving, so be it. Make some popcorn, curl up on the couch, and away you go!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
KEEP WATCHING
for those of you who enjoy hearing and seeing me talk, in addition to yesterdays video "Fighting Four Ways" there are four more videos that can be found in my blog archives:
Sexting and Texting 101: advice on how to handle these difficult situations
The Power Of Understanding: Tips on creating more meaningful communication with your teen
Ari and Me : A reminiscence with my daughter Ari of her teen years.
Holiday High: Tips and stories about teen drug and alcohol use
Sexting and Texting 101: advice on how to handle these difficult situations
The Power Of Understanding: Tips on creating more meaningful communication with your teen
Ari and Me : A reminiscence with my daughter Ari of her teen years.
Holiday High: Tips and stories about teen drug and alcohol use
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