He/She is not good enough for you: The boy/girlfriend dilemma

If your teen has a boy/girlfriend, you must have figured out by now that it is the kiss of death to actually say what you really think about this person.  It is never the right thing.  Either you can't stand the kid because he/she is not nice enough, not smart enough, not polite enough, dresses in a way that makes you crazy, is a suspected drug/alcohol/sex fiend, likes to party too much, gets bad grades, and has a family right out of the sopranos, or he/she is so nice, so polite, so smart, motivated and responsible, and has a family right out of the Cosby Show. Either way, your opinion of this person and your sharing of it is likely to push your teen in the opposite direction of your actual desire to either break them up or commit them to each other for the the rest of high school so you don't have to go through this parade of boy/girlfriends for the next 4 years.

This boy/girlfriend dilemma is a complicated one for parents. When you see your teen with someone you feel can be a bad influence on them, pulling them into situations you think will be unsafe, emotionally unhealthy, and that potentially could have a detrimental affect on their future, your mama/papa bear claws come out. You share your "insights" about this person with your teen, expecting they will listen, learn, respect your opinion and do the right thing....break up with this bum!  However because your teen is now biologically and emotionally driven to think just the opposite of you, in a show of "well I'm not you", are now more motivated than ever to dig their own claws in to their new love as a show of independence. One of the major tasks of adolescence is what we call "separation". This is literally developing the ability to stand on their own two feet, in preparation for their future life as an adult. There are some things they are willing to admit you know more about, albeit reluctantly, like academic issues, but their friends are completely off-limits to you and your opinions.  This is an area of their life they feel is their birthright and expertise. Be damned with what my parents think?

Here is what you can't and should never do. Never, ever say to your teen;" I don't want you to, you are not allowed to go out with that person! Remember Romeo and Juliet, this is a set up for lying and sneaking behavior. The bottom line is you have no control over who they see. Unless you lock them in their room and home school them (only kidding, don't run out and buy a teaching manual), you no longer have control over their play dates. They see this person at school, after school and on weekends. Again unless you have a nanny cam attached to their person, there is no way of knowing when and if they are hanging around with this object of your disaffection. Also directly giving your assessment of this person to your teen can only serve to shut off communication rather than keep it open. If they know you already can't stand this person, why would they come to you if they actually need your advice or consolation. "I told you so's " do not contribute to open communication.

Here is what you can do: You can use "I Get It" starters. Rather than directly expressing opinion start with something like this: "Honey, I can see why you like Romeo, he's a cutie, and funny, and a little bit wild. I get it, he's a fun guy. Tell me what you like about him. " Give her the opportunity to tell you about some of the things about this person you may not know. Maybe his standoffishness is shyness for example. When you ask open ended questions, you are showing real interest in the people that interest her, and also trying to find out what this relationship really means to her. Try not to be judgemental or critical, this will not serve you well. After she has shared something about Romeo, you can say " I am happy that you are hanging with someone that is making you happy, but what do you think I am worried about in your relationship with him?" Your daughter/son knows what you are worried about, but if they say it rather than you saying it, they will be less likely to get defensive and evasive. After they say all the things you would have said, you can say:"Yes I do worry about those things, what do you think you can do to make me feel OK about them, so that we don't need to fight so much about this? I love you, and I just want you to be safe, and do what you need to do to get on with your life."

Ultimately your kids want your approval. However if you push them into the corner by trying to control their natural impulses to stand on their own two feet they will let you know in a clear and direct manner to "stay out of my life". So the work here is to help them articulate what relationships mean to them. Relationships in adolescence are a training ground for relationships in adulthood, and experience in all kinds of relationships will serve them well in the future. They need your counsel not your control.

The Bully Pulpit

I hope everyones break from real life over the last 4 days was a good one. And if not, its over, its Monday and time for a new week. Its only the same old, same old if you let it be that way. Why not see every Monday as a way to start over, a virtual new beginning. Also, check out my new youtube video below just after this posting. My daughter, home for thanksgiving, sat with me and mused about her teenage years (she is now 27), and lessons she can share with you and your teen. Watch it together, I think it contains some good conversation starters!

This weekend the newspapers were full of stories about the trauma of bullying. I thought a little depressing for the Thanksgiving weekend, but never the less important information. The articles talked about the research that suggests that a child's brain actually changes as a result of this type of emotional trauma, and that it has lasting emotional effects well into adulthood. Clearly this debunks the myth, that kids will be kids, what's the big deal? As usual the articles call for school policies, anti-bullying measures and severe consequences for kids who bully. Of course these are all extremely important, but what is also important is preparing kids for situations like being bullied for which they have no experience. Policies are always important because they provide a framework for behavior and consequences, and hopefully the building of a respectful and safe school community.  But in the moment when a kid is being mercilessly teased and taunted, throwing out a "this isn't allowed" is not going to be helpful to that victim.

Bullying is all about power. It is only fun to bully someone as long as the victim stays in that one down position.  In the moment, and in the middle of a bully's taunt that puts a kid in that one down position, most kids are unprepared and their reaction is often fuel for the bully, like showing fear, embarrassment, or attempts to avoid the bully. Like all new experiences in life, most kids are not prepared for the possibility that someone might deliberately want to humiliate them. As adults we hope that that type of situation won't happen to our kids, or that our kids won't be the perpetrators of bullying, and so most often we don't get around to dealing with it until after it happens.

Giving our kids strategies for those moments in life when they are unprepared is paramount. Humor,and sarcasm are very effective tools to help counter some of the the bully's attempts at humiliation. If you have a teen who is overweight and has been teased about it, helping them to come up with some quick retorts like, "big is beautiful, thanks for the compliment", or a sarcastic retort after a fat comment: "Ya think" or "ooh you're so observant" or, " I'm looking for a trainer, want to help me get in shape?"said with strength and power.

Often teens are afraid to come to you with complaints about bullying because they worry that your first response will be to call the school and demand their attention to the matter. Which of course you will need to do. But helping your teen to feel strong and competent is equally important. Swift and appropriate  consequences for the bully is only half the intervention. When your teen has been made to feel powerless the task is to help them feel powerful. Giving them strategies, scripts, tools to feed their confidence in handling situations that make them feel out of control is essential to developing coping strategies for all the challenges that are ahead of them. Anticipating that at some point your teen may be the target of jealous girls, insecure boys, control freaks, and people who bully for the shear joy of it, is a realistic one. Giving them your confidence that they can handle what comes their way is a necessary one.

Ari and Me: My daughter and I chat up her teen years. Watch WITH your kids

A Thanksgiving Day Love Fest

There is something about the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.  Maybe its the embedded memory of a half day at school and the anticipation of four days of freedom. I know for me its also the anticipation of my favorite meal ever, looking forward to savoring every morsel of turkey and stuffing, and a new recipe for Caramel Apple Pie I saw in today's paper. But what I look forward to most is the minute my beloved daughter walks in the door on Thanksgiving day. There is nothing more special, more delicious, than that first hug with your child, no matter how grown up. Thanksgiving is a day to be treasured. All the worries of daily life, messy rooms, bad attitudes, disappointing grades, worries about money, job, family responsibility all put aside in order to cherish and preserve the present; family, food, and football. ( I personally hate football, but I get it's importance to some)


I know sometimes for parents this is no easy task. Maybe you have had a hard week with your teen, arguments, hurt feelings, parents feeling ignored and abandoned by their kids. I wanted to share especially for these parents a poem that a parent shared with me. She and her son had been at odds at what felt like forever. She was so saddened by the change in their relationship, and was working really hard to find some common ground with her son in this battlefield. One morning, going into her son's room to grab his laundry, she found this poem on the floor. This was not a school assignment, but an impulsive pouring out of thoughts. He did not hand his mom this poem as an olive branch, but instead, left it out for her to find. It is a tribute to the love a son has for his family. Know this, that what you often see on the outside, is not what is really going on the inside. Thanksgiving day is a day for you to share those feelings with your kids. Take the inside love and wear it on the outside, at least for the day, and maybe they will too. 

Where Am I From

I am from long nights lying on the grass

I am from days packed with sports

I am from burnt rice and undercooked hot dogs

I am from arguing about the stupidest things

I am from Love

I am from listening to my ipod late at night

I am from turning on my fan just for the noise

I am from letting facebook turn 1 hour of work into 3

I am from tiptoeing to the bathroom so my mom thinks I'm still asleep

I am from prayers said with the rest of my family over wine, even though I can’t drink

I am from Love

I am from Life

Why don't you ever learn? Lessons on keeping your teen safe

Another morning, another news story of  hazing  involving high school sports. (towel whipping this time) And a story from another town about football players showing up drunk at a school homecoming dance, and the subsequent cancellation of its annual thanksgiving football game. With five players suspended for drinking, there were too few players to play.

You would think that somehow, somewhere these kids would get the message. But honestly, to me it  is no surprise. I'm guessing that generally speaking most kids get the lecture, no hazing, no drinking, no drugs, no sex, no whatever, done! Unfortunately teens, like most middle aged people including me, have short-term memory loss. You can't tell them just once and expect it to have an impact. Most people learn through repetition, repetition, repetition. Remember how you learned your math facts!  Kids need to be reminded continuously about the important things you want them to remember, like rules for example. If I had been the coaches and parents of this team with the latest hazing incident, I would have reminded them about it every day at practice. Yes its annoying, but that's life. Reminders like: hey honey, I know this is hazing season, remember what happened to those kids in that other town, literally every time they go to practice. Or for the football players who drank before the dance, "hey guys, no drinking, you get caught and you're off the team, and you know you'll get caught." Literally kids need to hear the message over and over till your voice is living inside their head.

When my daughter was in High School ten years ago, the drug ecstasy was popular. There was a news story about the dangers of this drug in the paper everyday, kids going into comas, the kinds of stories that keep parents up at night. I knew that the drug was probably out there in her school community, and available to her should she be curious about it. I was relentless, reading her every article that appeared in the newspaper, and there were many, about kids who had almost died. I pleaded with her every weekend before she went out not to try this drug if someone had it. I used every ounce of Jewish mother's guilt I could muster. And guess what? It worked! When I turned 50, my daughter's contribution to my birthday roast was a reenactment of these weekend fueled guilt trips. But as she shared with me well after she had graduated, I had scared the crap out of her!

So you get the message. If there are things that you really, really, really don't want your kids to do for fear of their safety, or consequences (like missing the last football/soccer game of their high school career), give them the love. "I love you so much, I couldn't bear it if something happened to you, or if you ended up losing something I know is so important to you." If you give them the anger, " If I find out that you.... you're grounded, no car, no phone, no computer, no life", you have now challenged your teen to the game of  "if I find out". There is a term, the personal fable, coined by the psychologist, David Elkind. It refers to the unique way that teens think, and that ultimately drives their behavior.  " I am such a unique and special person, that I am invincible." This translates to " I CAN get away with anything and not get caught, or get hurt. This also is a result of teens NOT thinking of consequences. Remember teens live in the moment, not in the future. They need your help in this department, on a regular and frequent basis. So let love lead the way!

Texting and facebook and gaming oh my!

I just finished reading a must read article for all parents in the New York Times. Here is the link: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/21/technology/21brain.html?_r=1&src=me&ref=homepage.       READ IT!(after you have read this blog of course) If you have a child, even a young one this is a cautionary tale. If you can get on this technology thing early in the game you have an opportunity to develop a balanced approach to enhancing ones life with technology rather than drowning in it.

I have asked my college students to reflect back to high school and middle school and ask themselves what might have helped them stay more focused on school work?  Amazingly they almost always say they wished their parents had been more strict about using computer and phones during homework time. Remember, this is a reflection, because they all did acknowledge that if their parents had been on them about it they would have been "pissed".

In this NY times article a senior in high school says that he "lacks the self-control to favor schoolwork over the computer."Another student interviewed says:"I'll be reading a book for homework, and I'll get a text message and pause my reading and put down the book, pick up the phone to reply to the text message, and then 20 minutes later realize,'Oh, I forgot to do my homework'. And lastly this students says:" Facebook is amazing because it feels like you're doing something and you're not doing anything. Its the absence of doing something, but you feel gratified anyway. My attention span is getting worse."Out of the mouths of babes, and the most honest advice you'll ever be given..heed it"

Your kids need your help. They do not have the discipline or motivation to stop drinking the kool-aid, and it will make them sick. The problem is that 3 or 4 years from now they may confront you with the question, when perhaps they aren't able to get into the college they really want, or they are disappointed with their SAT scores, and are looking for a scapegoat, watch out, cause it could very well be you. J'ACCUSE: "Why didn't you make me study more?" they will angrily assert. And you, stunned, open mouthed in complete astonishment wondered how they could have forgotten the last 4 years of fighting and arguing over doing homework.

First off, stop buying technology toys that they absolutely do not need. I was scouring parenting sites the other day looking for blog ideas and I found too many questions on these sites like: "My 11 year old wants an ITouch, should I get him that or an IPhone?" Are you on crack? I wondered. What the hell does and 11-year-old or for that matter a 16-year-old need an IPHONE for. Why would you knowingly give your kid a device that gives them unsupervised, unlimited access to the Internet. This NY times article states, "half of students form 8-18 are using Internet, watching TV, or using some other form of media either most or some of the time that they are doing homework. Remember when your parents used to say to you when you asked for a TV or phone in your room, "Just because you want something, doesn't mean your going to get it!"

I am begging you parents, don't buy them in the first place. I know black Friday is this week, and there are sales galore on IPHONES and IPADS and DROIDS and ITOUCH, and so on and so on. And I know you are imagining the glow of joy and that burst of affection from your teen when they open this gift of "I". And I know those bursts of affection might feel few and far between these days, but know that lasts only until the Monday that school starts and now you have one more thing you have to argue about for the next four years. I can hear the threats of " If you don't do your homework, if I get one more progress report with missing assignments I am taking that damn IPHONE away! (which of course we all know you won't).

If you have 5-8 graders, this is a piece of cake. Hopefully their cell phone acquisition is fairly new and you can say: "Here's the way its going to work, I get you want to stay in touch with your friends, and texting is fun, and you need to do homework, hang with the family, god forbid read a book, and there is time for it all. We need to come up with a 2 hour period when you do what you need to do, and I hold onto the phone for you. I get this will be hard for you, but if you fight me on this, and you choose to fight with me on this everyday, I will just shut the phone off until you feel ready to agree." Parents you are helping them to develop good study skills and discipline for delaying gratification. They are not born with this ability, they need to develop it over time, and if you wait till high school to do it, it will be alot harder.

For high school kids this is alot harder. But stay strong parents. Understand that your kids may already have developed some bad habits with phones, computers and gaming. Expect that the change in business as usual will cause anger, attitude and argument. For 9th 10th and 11th graders, you can use the technique stated above.When you can anticipate the anger you don't need to respond to it.  A shoulder shrug and an "I know this is hard" communicates it all. Remember, kids live in the present, helping them to anticipate the future, thats your job.

I Get It: The Power of Understanding