money, money money

I polled my college freshman yesterday asking what they wished their parents had done differently when they were in middle and high school. Of course "stayed out of my business" ranked #1,  but this one was a bit of a surprise. Many said "I wished they had taught me how to manage money". They find themselves now, as college students constantly in a state of monetary crisis. Because of the financial strain of putting a kid through college, many parents rightly let their kids know that if they want spending money they actually will have to earn it themselves. Most parents being totally tapped out with tuition and room and board, expect that their kid's summer job earnings will become first semester petty cash accounts. For many students this is the first time they have had a finite amount of money. They take out the old debit card expecting that the magic money will appear, just like their magic phones, their magic ipod downloads, and their magic college tuition. It can be a rude awakening the first time a card is rejected with a resounding....NO MORE MONEY! This may be for some kids, the first time they can't talk their way into or out of something. No money is no money. It is the ultimate, no manipulation consequence.  Unless a phone call to mommy and daddy succeeds with getting a wad a cash deposited in their account with the pro-offered, " I promise I'll never ask you again. Yeah right, until the next time.

Most middle and high school kids are on a pay-as-you-go plan. As in "going to the mall, can I have some money?", or "going to the movies, can I have some money?" or "going to hang in town, can I have some money?" or "need lunch money, bus money, pot and alcohol money."(only sorta kidding on this one). With so much going on in every ones life, the passing out of money becomes somewhat of a mindless activity. You ask a perfunctory," what do you need it for? " They retort with " a bunch of us... or I need more.......you say OK and open your wallets.

Just telling your now young adult that they are now responsible for their money, is truly a bit unfair, unless you have provided the training on how to do this. As parents we often expect our kids to do the right thing, even though this may be something for which they have no experience. Adolescence is ripe with these dilemmas. Many of the big decisions kids have to make, especially around safety issues, they have never had to make before. And because teens are impulsive, emotional and live in the moment, they often make the wrong decision, especially around money.

So here are some ways that you might take the time to prepare your kids now to manage their money to avoid those panic college calls. Perhaps over the course of the next month you and your kid keep a tally of all the money you give them, this includes, lunch and transportation money, clothes and incidentals, food, entertainment, and general running around money. Many of you have fancy phones that I'm sure "have an app for that". Caution: Do Not Expect Your Teen To Keep Track Of This. This would be an unrealistic expectation. As I have said in previous posts, teens are distracted, forgetful, and are probably not all that motivated to change the way things are. They are very happy with the pay-as-go model. Remember it is college students lamenting after the fact that they "wished" that they had been better prepared.

Once you have this amount, which I am sure will shock you both. Come up with a plan, and here you must include your teen in the process. Decide how you will mete out this cash, weekly or monthly. Perhaps you will decide that the money for them to manage will just be food/entertainment/weekend spending money, not big ticket items like clothes. Whatever it is, deposit into a debit account this agreed upon amount. Teach your kid how to check balances. Remember kids use alot of magical thinking, and they may take out a $20 here and a $20 there and not remember even taking the money out or what they spent it on. THIS IS THE POINT. We get that they are mindless, and this is the time now, in a protected environment to teach mindfulness about money. Maybe every Wednesday night you and your teen go on the website together and check the balance,  helping them to figure out what they will need for the weekend.  This helps kids to keep track. If you do this regularly then you won't get the " but I don't have any money left, and everyone is going to the movies, or I need new sneakers, or a new outfit for the dance."

The most important part of this plan is the consistency and follow through. It will probably take only one time of wanting to go out with friends, and realizing they have already spent their allotted money and you doing a little shoulder shrug, and saying " Oh I am sorry, that must be hard that you've already spent all your money. you're welcome to have your friends here." If you cave, or if you give advances on a regular basis, the message your kids will get is I really don't have to be responsible about this money, because I'll just be able to get more. And again this is the point. In order for any change to take place and become integrated it must be consistent and predictable.  This is where the hard work comes in. But the pay off will be enormous, because the pride your teen eventually feels for being "in charge" and 'in control" is priceless.

The report card: A call to action

Just like the first frost that appears on our last surviving plants on the deck announcing the end of summer, so do the first fall report cards appear, announcing another kind of reckoning. Parents hoping that this year will be better, easier, their teen another year older and wiser, having learned from last years lessons, open the envelope with trepidation and anticipation. Some glance quickly, scanning for standout grades in either direction, others take their time, each grade at a time, each comment at a time. Until...THE comment, THAT comment, that when parents read make their veins pop, and their hearts pound. " Johnny is a good student, BUT he is missing 3 homework assignments and because of that his grade is a C instead of a B.

For some parents this might be the first time they have seen this kind of report card from their teen. Perhaps in previous years their kid led a quieter, less social life than other kids, and studying hard and striving for good grades was their true mission. But what is this, where are the A's and B+'s they have grown accustomed to seeing? And then for some parents, who had been hoping for a fresh beginning, a new year full of promise, feel disappointed that its same old same old.

Though your first impulse might be to barge into your kids room, or start in on dealing with this as soon as they step into your car or into the house, I encourage you to take a moment, and take a deep and cleansing breath. You are probably feeling somewhat duped by your teen, having asked over and over and over again: "Did you finish your homework?", and the answer was "YES". You probably asked over and over, "did you make up those missing homework assignments? " And the answer was "YES!"
But here, in living proof is the evidence of that lie. You are storming.

Your kids are expecting the storm. They are primed and ready with excuses, and explanations, and promises for change. Consider this an opportunity to approach this in a new way. Rather than starting the conversation with: "This is what happens when you spend too much time on your phone, and on your computer and with your video games. In this house, schoolwork comes first!  Instead try this: "Hey honey lets go over your report card together. Let him/her read it out loud. After each grade and comment is read, say "so what do you think about what your teacher said and how she graded you?" Refrain and I know that this is really hard, but just let them talk. You might hear some complaining, some "its not my fault the teacher is mean",  and some denial, "I didn't know that was missing." The goal here is to use this report card not as an indictment on bad study habits but as a road map for moving forward.

Using an 'I get it" moment, you might say: "I get first terms are always hard. Getting back into a routine is hard after the summer, and I know keeping up with friends, and sports and all the stuff you like is important to you lets figure out a way for you to do both. If you don't put your teen on the defensive and focus more on I want you to feel successful, you will find them more willing to have a conversation with you, and figure out a plan of action.  This is not about the grades!!! This is about your kids mastering material and developing a curiosity for learning. And this goes for the kids who come home with the straight A report cards. If you focus on the "A" rather than, "I am so proud for all your hard work, and how much you learned this term," you have a kid who is motivated to learn because of the external motivator of making you happy, rather than the power of the learning itself.

Fall is a time for new beginnings. Maybe you can see that your teen has a really hard time settling in and developing good study habits. For kids 6th-9th grade, sometimes hiring a college student as a homework buddy/mentor can be very helpful. This is not a tutor, this is someone who grabs your kid, takes him to your library, helps him get his homework done, and then goes out for an ice cream. It reframes homework from being a lonely, isolating boring experience, to something more to look forward to. Hanging with someone cool, who helps them, and understands them. This also gets you out of the power struggle of getting them to settle down and finish their work. If you are worried that this homework thing is a chronic problem, make sure you communicate regularly with the teacher. E-mailing at the end of the week to find out about missing homework, gives you a leg up on the "I did it" avoidance technique many kids use. (Read post on the homework avoider for more suggestions).  The most important message is not to label your kid as lazy, or unmotivated, this does not change behavior. Providing them with motivation, structure, and understanding does.

Senioritis and Parentitis

If you have a senior in high school, I am sure that your kid is suffering from this condition and that as their parent you are suffering from the corresponding and complimentary, Parentitis.  Symptoms for Senioritis include, intense procrastination, increased surliness (if that's possible), increased avoidance of parents and home, and rejection of all suggestions of how to complete college applications.

Symptoms of Parentitis include high anxiety and sleepless nights, weakened eyesight from too many hours looking at college websites on the computer, fatigued fingers from keeping up with college application submission deadlines on the family calendar, and wistful looks at your sleeping senior knowing that those looks are numbered as they move away from home.

The whole college admission process is a lesson in letting go. You can huck, you can hound, but the bottom line is you cannot just "make" you teen get this work done. To combat Senioritis, parents must pay less attention to the symptoms, and more attention to the underlying issues. If you label the procrastination as laziness and avoidance, your teen gets defensive, angry, feels criticized and ends up avoiding and procrastinating even more. Not exactly the outcome you were hoping for.

Here are some of those underlying issues:

• Feeling completely overwhelmed: Seniors feel they have fallen into the deep dark hole of first, choosing schools to apply to,  and then doing all those applications, essays, and finding teachers who know and like them enough to give them recommendations. This is in addition to improving or maintaining good grades, because god knows everyone keeps telling them how important those half year grades are, and by the way could you get the lead in the school play, or get a bunch of touchdowns, or do a great community service project, or, and this is only if you have time, could you cure cancer, it will look great on your college application. Not only are they feeling their own sense of impending doom about where they will end up, but they feel your expectations, their schools expectation, their friends expectations, maybe their grandparents, aunts and uncles who ask every time they see them, "so hows your college application thing going?" Imagine what it feels like to have everyone who has ever known you now so interested in the rest of your life.  This is expressed through anger and avoidance.

• What if I don't get in anywhere, or if I don't get in where I want to go, or where my parents want me to go? Because your senior is so acutely aware of all that you want for him/her, and obviously of what their own fantasy/expectation is they are full of anxiety and dread for that day when the acceptances/rejections show up online or in the mail.  Ultimately they feel in some way that this whole college process is like getting the biggest grade of their life on who they are. You get an A when you get in where you want to go, and a big fat F when you get rejected. The worry they feel about disappointing you and disappointing themselves is palpable, but often comes across as anger and avoidance.  

• My life will be changed forever. Though your senior is excited/nervous/scared for this next step, change is not easy. Leaving you guys is terrifying, even though they aren't showing it. But believe me the more angry they act towards you, the more scared they are feeling. We call that a defense mechanism. They are terrified of leaving their friends. Their friends are their life blood, their support, their source of acceptance. Worry about being replaced, and worry that they won't ever find friends like this again can feel paralyzing, but comes across as anger and avoidance. 

So you get the picture, the anger, the procrastination, the avoidance are all expressions of feeling overwhelmed, and anxious. Your teen is engaging in magical thinking. If I put this off long enough I don't have to deal with the consequences. First I want to say that all this is completely normal. This is the first and single most important decision they have had to make in their life. They have no previous experience on which to draw that it will all turn out OK. You know that it will, but they really aren't willing to take your word on that quite yet. So here is what can you do to engage them in this process without making this last year with them a complete nightmare.

Here is your 'I Get It" moment. Rather than starting every contact with them with a "Did you start your essay? Did you do your common app? Did you talk to your teachers for a recommendation? You know you're running out of time, ........"Try this instead. "I get how overwhelming this all feels. You have alot on your plate with school, and sports and college stuff, I know I would just want to get in bed and cover my head for the next 6 months.  How can I/we help. I/we are happy to do whatever you need, think of me as your administrative assistant, not your boss. I don't want to have to harp on you all the time, I know how annoying that is, can we come up together with a plan? Maybe the plan includes me bugging you, but at least we're agreed that I will bug/remind you every Sunday night at 6 to complete another application. Lets try to break this all down in small things so it won't feel so overwhelming, and if I do start to annoy you let me know and I will back off for the night. I love you, and I want you to have the kinds of choices you deserve." Then develop an action plan. Sit at the computer together and have them do the writing. Print out the plan, including dates he/she hopes to have things completed and put it up in their room, the refrigerator, in the bathroom if you need to. Maybe put  those Iphones, Itouches, and IPADs to good use, with text reminders for what they said they want to complete that week. Be creative, just telling them to "get it done" is not helpful, working with them to operationalize a plan is. But please, and I am begging you here, do not do it for them. Do not come up with your schedule, or your way of doing things. This is a setup for disaster, because they will not take ownership for your plan, and when you see them screwing up "your plan" the arguing commences. And by the way, no problem if you want to use some incentives, money, upgraded phones, clothes, trips to the Caribbean(only kidding on that one) hey whatever works. Businesses thrive on using incentives, if its OK in your job, why not in theirs.

This will be a challenging year, but a year full of growth for all of you. Be patient with the process, continue to "get" their struggle, and provide support and understanding. This to shall pass, and soon enough you will have the car packed ready for this next step. The arguments about applications and recommendations already forgotten. The bottom line is it will all get done, one way or another, and if it doesn't, take that as a sign that your senior is telling you that this might not be the year for college. Senior year is a right of passage for everyone. Just hold on tight and enjoy the ride.

Parenting advice Joani Geltman's sexting 101

I Love When My Parents.......

When I was thirteen years old, my father died suddenly. My mother, a stay at home mom at the time of his death, (this was 1964) was forced into a life she had not anticipated. My father, a chemist, had run his own medical laboratory, and rather than sell it, my mom stepped up to the plate. Having no experience running a business, and after having only the Shiva week (Jewish ritual of mourning) to grieve the loss of the love of her life, she entered the fray of working mother and business owner.


Needless to say, the family functioned in crisis mode. I was the youngest of four, the only girl, and I became the housekeeper, cook, laundress, answering service, and all around chirpy person. School became kind of an after thought, grades plummeted, homework seemed stupid, but thank god I had a wonderful group of friends who supported and loved me. My mom's plate was full to overflowing, and we all did what we needed to do to survive this emotional trauma.


Most of high school is a blur for me. But since my grades where nothing to be proud of, I was overweight,  and besides being lost in the chorus of our high school musical, I do remember feeling like a loser and pretty invisible. This was a different time in our culture, and parenting was not something blogged about, read about or analyzed. I do remember feeling under appreciated, and undervalued. High grades, staring roles in school musicals, touchdowns and high scores on the basketball teams are tangible accomplishments to be praised, but clean clothes and tuna casserole, not so much. I definitely was not working up to my potential. 


What might have helped was the kind of praise all kids crave. Remember your kids when they were eight or nine, and "Watch me mom, watch me dad, look what I can do" came out of their mouths so often that without even looking up you would reply to your praise addict:"Great job honey, or that's fantastic." As kids move into the teen years, they  don't run to you anymore to show you the sticker the teacher gave them for excellent homework. Maybe they aren't such great students, or great athletes,and their room is always a disaster area, and they aren't doing their house chores, and to boot they treat you with attitude. Not alot to give praise for. But maybe the things that are successes to them have gone unrecognized, maybe being a good friend, or hanging with their younger sibling when they would rather be on facebook, or calling and having a loving conversation with a grandparent, or just hanging with you when they would rather be with their friends is cause for celebration, and a "hey that was really nice of you to hang with your brother, I know what a pain he can be, or "thanks honey for just hanging with us tonight, I love being with you, and I know you'd rather be with your friends." These small shows of appreciation, especially for those kids that aren't "the stars" can be especially meaningful.  


As part of a survey I did with 60, 9th -12th graders, I asked them to fill in this blank: I love when my parents..  Here is what they said. I will let them speak for themselves:

I LOVE WHEN MY PARENT (S):

• Ask me to go places with them because I really don’t get to do that a lot.
•  Make me the center of attention because it makes me feel loved.
• Tell me I’m doing good, because it makes me feel good about myself.    
• Praise me and say they are proud, and I love when they listen,  actually listen, because it makes me feel like they are interested and proud of me.
• Spend time just watching TV with me, because I never get to spend time with them.
• Tell me when they are proud of me because it makes me feel good.
• Say good job, we knew you could do it, because it gives me confidence to succeed in life.
• Say they are proud of me to others because it shows that they notice the good things, instead of just punishing me for the bad.
• Are wicked nice to me because it makes me feel like my parents actually care.
• Say they are proud of me, it makes me feel self fulfilled.
•  Aren’t rushing into conclusions about things because it makes me feel like for one second they aren’t judging me.
• Take what I say seriously and believe me because it lets me know they trust me as much as I trust them.
• Hear me out and listen to something I say, because it’s frustrating when they only listen to themselves.
• Ask me to do things with them because it’s the best.
• Talk to me, because it shows they care.
• Tell me that they trust me and that they are proud of me because I like to feel like my parents are happy with me and I don’t want to disappoint them.
• Tell me they are proud of me, because it makes me feel like I actually did some good for them.
• Can just talk and hang out and have fun with me because it makes me feel more connected and more equal.

Check out my first youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FesTQ8c8iAY

Let your fingers do the talking, just not when you're driving

You don't need a law to tell you that texting while driving is hazardous to your health. But some people need a little push, and knowing that Big Brother is watching ready to hand out a ticket and a fine may be the motivation they need to stow away the phone.

Unfortunately since teens lead with their heart and not their brain, their worry about missing some really really really important tidbit of news overrides any worry about Big Brother or more importantly deadly car accidents. To counter this, most parents lead with parental lecture #92:  Why texting and talking on your phone while driving is verboten, and if caught will be met with severe consequences."

Though well thought out and well intentioned this lecture is rarely effective. Because in the heat of the moment, when a kid gets into that car, lecture #92 is nowhere present in their immediate consciousness. It has literally gone in one ear and out the other, unless it has been paired with a concrete action plan. And this parents is the key. Because your teens cellphone is literally an extension of their body, and they are so used to feeling the weight of it in the palm of their hand, they have learned to navigate their world almost single-handedly. I am using that word in a literal sense here. Your job is not just to lecture about the dangers of driving and cellphone use, but help them to develop a game plan for what they will do with their phone to eliminate temptation when they get into the car.

Last week I asked my 60 college freshman how many of them text while driving. A depressingly large majority raised their hands. Then I asked them to visualize where their phones were when they stepped into the drivers seat, and here was the astounding response, they didn't know. They didn't know because they do not think of their phones as being a separate part of their body. It would be to them like asking where is your hand when you walk to the car. When I said, how about in your hand? They laughed at the joke, but got the message. Then I asked them to visualize where the phone was while they were driving. The two most popular answers were in their right hand or in their lap. Then we started to work on a plan. Clearly they all got that the phone needed to be in place not accessible to them while driving. The girls figured that if they put them in their bags, making sure the phone was on silent, and put the bags in the back seat, that would solve the problem, out of sight out of mind. The boys thought, putting them on silent and putting in the glove compartment, would do the trick. The learning is not someone telling them the obvious, but in helping them to develop a mindfulness about their phone, and then a plan to change the behavior.

If you have teens on the verge of becoming drivers, here is a suggestion that a parent gave me, which I thought was great. Anytime your teen is a passenger in the front seat, there is no phone use at all. In this practice you are helping your teen to associate no phone use in the front seat, which will hopefully translate to no use in the driver seat. To help enforce this, because of course you will get tremendous resistance to this, here is your " I get it" moment and what you can say to your teen:" I get how important staying in touch with your friends is, but soon you will be driving and I need to know that you are able to put away your phone and sit it out without talking or texting while driving. Having you do that with us while we are driving is a way of practicing and developing the ability to give your full attention to the road. This is obviously your choice, I am not going to make you put your phone away, though I will be happy to remind you, but when it comes time for you to get your license, it will be unlikely that I would let you drive my car unless I have complete confidence that you can be in the car without being on your phone, and I will only know that because you will have shown me. I love you and your safety is always going to be the most important thing in the world to me!"

And finally parents, and most importantly is what you do in the car with your phone. The model that you show your kids is the most powerful, more powerful than the lecture, and more powerful than the plan. Your teens are watching your every move, and if you talk or god forbid text on your phone while you are driving with them, just know that will come back to bite you on the a##. You are likely to hear: "You talk on the phone while you're driving, what's the difference? And truly there really is no answer to that. There is no correlation between driving experience and accidents with cell phone use. Twenty years as a driver, twenty days as a driver, distraction is a distraction, and your kids will see the hypocrisy if that is your argument. So when your kids, and this includes young kids or teens, are in the car while you are driving, make sure you say out loud: "shut my phone off for me, I don't want to be talking and driving. I want your kids to hear the words, so they get parked away up in that brain of theirs, so that when they get in that driver seat, they have a tape playing in their head from the most important people in their life.
Practice makes perfect!

Hazing with a chance of fallout

I opened the Boston Globe this morning to a front page story headline, "Girls accused of hazing suspended from soccer game."The story describes this suburban town's high school girls varsity soccer team tradition of initiating and welcoming the freshman girls by having the senior girls lead them around the soccer field blindfolded on a dog leash, and ending with some sort of whipped pie in the face. The uproar in the town seems to be less about the hazing and more that the team lost the regional championship because of these senior girls suspension from playing in this championship game.  Whew, did you get all that?

The high school apparently has an iron-clad no-hazing rule, but the parents of the suspended girls felt the rule had not been fully articulated to the girls, and thus the girls shouldn't be held accountable with such a severe punishment of disallowing them to play in this important game. The litigation gloves came out, and one of the dad/lawyers filed a restraining order against the high school principal, and the athletic director of the town. Really, a restraining order, talk about blaming the victim here. So it's not the blindfolded girls who were made to roll around a muddy cold field on a leash, and then have pie thrown in their faces who are the victims, it is the senior girls, on their way to college soccer scholarships who need this game to impress the college coaches and now can't play because they broke a rule they sorta kinda didn't really know about.

Oy, what a mess. What is a parent to do in this situation? The parents of the hazed girls I'm guessing are furious. Who is watching out for their girls, where was the coach when this was going on, is there an adult in charge?? All questions I'm sure the principal of the school was  hammered with by these parents. Then the parents of the suspended girls; their girls made a mistake, no one was hurt (of course hurt by humiliation is usually carried around on the inside not the outside, so how would they know?), they didn't know they weren't supposed to do this, and missing the most important game of their soccer career in high school, is just too too much, I am sure they opined.

True, the adults should have made absolutely clear all the students understood this no-hazing rule. If it is just in a handbook, my guess is most kids and parents never open that book and perhaps a signed pledge of no-hazing should be signed by all students prior to playing any sports. But what I am thinking is that these senior girls did kinda sorta know about this rule, and that some of their parents had kinda sorta heard their girls talking and planning for this hazing event.  I'm guessing this whole event occurred under cover of darkness, which in itself implies guilt, because otherwise they would have done it in the light of day, after school, people milling around to cheer them on.

We all love a good right of passage. I love birthdays, bat mitzvah, confirmations, the first day of school, etc. School life is full of them, award ceremonies, graduations, and I guess in the past, hazing and initiation rituals. Being a senior in high school is a year full of long awaited, "its finally my turn". Maybe you finally get that speaking role in the school play that you have been in for 4 years usually lost in the crowd scenes while seniors got all the good parts, or maybe its the school council, you finally get to be president, or yes maybe that sports team, and the memory of your own freshman year being the leashed dog. But this year, this is my year, and I kinda sorta know we shouldn't do this, but its not fair, I deserve to have my chance, and besides its fun!

I get that these girls were creating their last set of soccer memories, and the powerful drive to "finish the job" Often that drive to "do it anyway" regardless of consequences is what gets our teens into trouble. That emotional surge of excitement and awesomeness completely overrides reason and sanity. And in this climate of  bullying  these girls should have know better, and probably did, but just couldn't give up their own idea of creating memory.

 Lessons in life are hard and painful, but from them come growth. If we rescue our kids from these lessons, even if as parents we do not agree with outcomes, we don't give our kids the opportunity to grow. In this case, there was a rule, it was in a book given to students and parents. If kids and parents CHOOSE not to read the book and talk about it then that's their choice.  But when the kids CHOOSE to participate in an activity and it doesn't have the outcome they expected, there is a consequence. As lawyers tell us....always read the fine print.

Now can we focus on the girls who really need our attention?