A High School Senior Wants You To Know How Hard The College Process Is!

  I saved an article from the Boston Globe that I wanted to write about. It is by a young woman who was a senior in High School at the time, who wrote this piece to give her perspective of the college application process, especially addressing parents of seniors. I would like to share her article with you. You might want to read it to your High School senior at dinner one night, and ask him/her if they agree, and if there is anything you might do to make their journey through this process any easier.

So in the words of Laura Detwiler.......

"It's not just the nagging pressure of getting everything done in time. People want to know about my "top choice." Sure, I know plenty of kids who know exactly where they want to go and have that dream school that they've been hoping for since birth. But I don't have one school that screams "YES" every time I hear its name. I'm just not ready to make that commitment. Plus, it opens up a flood of heartbreak. Setting out dreams and aspirations about my top choice is as good as pinning myself to a target. The second that letter comes and its one of those notorious thin envelopes, you have to face everyone you've spoken to and own up to the fact that you didn't get in. Bull's eye-right in the gut.

I don't have a top choice; I don't want to discuss my top choice; I just want to be left alone. We seniors are vulnerable and raw under all this apathetic attitude we front. Don't get me wrong, I am pumped about college.  But that doesn't mean I'm not absolutely terrified. I don't want to talk about where I'm going or how much work I've done on my apps because every time I see that submit button I freak out and go watch  reruns of "The Office." I can't bear to think of being apart from my friends. I don't want to acknowledge that I won't be eating dinner with my family every night.

I'm scared, and I don't know how to handle it.  We all are. But preparing ourselves for college is something each of us has to do alone.Because when we actually get to this school, we're only going to have ourselves to rely on. That's a pretty big deal,  if you ask me. If you really want to be encouraging, ice cream will do just fine."

PS Taking reservation for Let's Have A Kitchen Conversation!  2 hours of food, fun and parenting advice at my home!! call or email for more info. Put your group together and let's eat! joani@joanigeltman.com   781-910-1779

Is It A Bad Day, or Is It Depression? With Teens it's Hard To Tell

 I have had a number of calls recently from parents worried about their teen, trying to figure out whether their teen is just having growing pains, or is in a real depression. Teens love to dump on their parents, giving them their most angry, their most sad, their most anxious and fearful feelings. This is the good news. Think of it as colic. When the bad stuff gets expelled, then sleep and peace can come...until the next time.

Teens are feeling their feelings in ways they have never experienced them before. The intensity comes from an adolescent brain that is over activated in the area responsible for emotion, and literally from having some of these feelings for the first time. Without experience and a history that would have given them a game plan to deal with these feelings that are overwhelming, they are vulnerable to feeling like they might never go away. The first break-up, a humiliation on a soccer field, or a stage, the embarrassment of doing something or saying something impulsively stupid in front of your peers, the disappointment that someone you like doesn't like you back, the worry that they are disappointing you in some way, or any one of a million other things can feel like a catastrophe.

So your kid comes to you in a rage, in a tantrum, sobbing uncontrollably and you feel helpless. But they are coming to you. Like a sponge, you absorb every drop of emotion. You can't sleep, you can't eat, you live with a pit in your stomach that your kid is in pain. But here is the thing, now that they have dumped it all on you and you have so graciously sopped it all up, they are free to go out and enjoy life again. Rinse and repeat!

When is it time to worry? The dumping is a good sign. The emotion is a good sign. They are working it out.  It may be hard on you, but at least they have an outlet. The worry should start, if they are not talking, isolating themselves, and really seem to have lost the up and down nature of teen life. Up and down is good. Staying down is not.  If you see your teen spending increasing amounts of time alone, in their room, avoiding family and friends, you might say something like this: " I have noticed recently that you seem more down than usual. You seem to be spending a lot of alone time in your room away from us and your friends. I get life can be complicated and difficult and sometimes overwhelming, and you might like just getting away from it all. I used to do that to sometimes. But I worry that you are not giving yourself a chance to talk about it. If you don't want to talk to us, I understand, maybe it would be helpful to talk to a counselor. I don't want to bug you, but I love you, and want you to work out what seems to be bothering you. I'll check back in with you in a few days, and we can talk about a plan." You will probably get a "leave me alone!" but don't let that deter you. Keep checking in, and letting them know that you are concerned. Eventually, you may just have to make an appointment and make them get in the car.

Seeing your teen be in pain is the worst. Giving them a safe haven to express it is a gift.

PS: Get a group of your friends together and come to my house for lunch!!!! Let's Have A Kitchen Conversation is my new baby! I love to cook and I love meeting with parents to give them expert advice. email or call for more info: joani@joanigeltman.com or 781-910-1770

The 12 Days Of School Vacation

Enjoy this time together!!! Happy Holidays ! Hopefully you'll have some laughs with this ditty, and thank yourself for all that you do for your kids!!

On the first day of vacation my kids gave to me: mornings free of "get up you're going to be late.

On the second day of vacation my kids gave to me: 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the third day of vacation my kids gave to me:the back to school of 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the fourth day of vacation my kids gave to me: 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the fifth day of vacation my kids gave to me: 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the sixth day of vacation my kids gave to me: 6 kids sleeping in the basement, 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the seventh day of vacation my kids gave to me: 7 hours of playing video games, 6 kids sleeping in the basement, 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the eighth day of vacation my kids gave to me: 8 different plans for New Years Eve, 7 hours of playing video games, 6 kids sleeping in the basement, 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the ninth day of vacation my kids gave to me: 9 texts of "can I stay out a little longer,"8 different plans for New Years Eve, 7 hours of playing video games, 6 kids sleeping in the basement, 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the tenth day of vacation my teens gave to me: 10 straight hours of sleeping, 9 texts of "can I stay out a little longer,"8 different plans for New Years Eve, 7 hours of playing video games, 6 kids sleeping in the basement, 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up, you're going to be late"

On the eleventh day of vacation my kids gave to me: 11 moans of vacation is too short, 10 straight hours of sleeping, 9 texts of "can I stay out a little longer,"8 different plans for New Years Eve, 7 hours of playing video games, 6 kids sleeping in the basement, 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

And at the end of vacation, my kids gave to me: LEAVE ME ALONE, I'M GETTING UP!!!!

Getting past the grunt: Tips on having a "real" conversation with your teen

 This may be your version of conversations with your teen:

 

              YOU                              YOUR TEEN

 

"How was your day?"                              Fine

 

"What did you do?"                                 Nothing

   

"Do you have homework?"                      Yes                             

 

"How did you do on your quiz?                Fine

 

What are doing today/tonight?                 Don't know

 

Is Everything OK?                                    It's fine!!!!!!!!

 

 

These are such unsatisfying interactions for parents. What you are craving for, dying for, down on your knees begging for, is some small nugget, some essence of what your teen's life is really like. Asking yes/no questions won't get you there. I guarantee it! You have a checklist and you systematically go through it question by question with your teen, hoping and praying you’ll find out something about his day, and his life. But unfortunately, you get NADA! But does that deter you to stop the interrogation? No! You just keep asking more and more questions. Why is that? Because parents are desperate for information. You have become complete information junkies about your kids. Starting in preschool, your kids’ teachers sent home cute little notes in the lunchbox, describing the quality and quantity of their poops, the lunch remains so you could keep tabs on the day’s calorie count, how many minutes the nap lasted and the progress of their social networking (i.e. who they played with and the frequency of hitting and biting.) Then in elementary school, your kids fed your addiction by providing you with every tiny morsel of information about every minute of their lives, to the point where you had information overdose and wished they would just shut up! Now that your kids are teens, your position has changed. You have lost some of your executive privileges, such as information and access on demand. They no longer want to tell you everything, and they resent your constant badgering. 

 

Here are some conversation openers. But timing is everything. If your teen has just woken up, just walked in the door or gotten into the car with you, beware! Teens need time to make transitions between sleep time and wake time, friends and home or school and home. Remember when they were babies, and they had just woken from a nap and were cranky, or you took them to a family party, and they clung to your legs until they got acclimated...well it's kinda the same thing now. Give them some time to acclimate to the change in scenery before you try to engage them in conversation. And when you do.....

 

 

·      Don't ask a yes/no question unless that is the kind of answer you are looking for.

 

·      Using starters like How was.... are too easy to be answered with a one word grunt. (see above)

 

·      Try starting with a "tell me about.." but with something more specific than general. For example: "So tell me, what was the hardest part of your quiz today? I know I used to hate those fill in the blank questions..... “VS “how was your quiz?" Give them an example of the kind of information you are looking for. Honestly, many teens have a hard time distilling all the input from their day and putting it into words. That's usually why they give you the one-word answers like "fine"

 

·      Start with a statement rather than a question. For example: God, you are taking so many different classes this year, so much work, which homework is easiest to get started with? VS How much homework do you have?

 

·      Use humor, and friendly sarcasm. When you are too serious, your teen senses your neediness for answers and will do anything and everything to fend you off?

 

·      Instead of a face-to-face questioning session. Go out for ice cream, bring up a snack to their room, watch a TV show, play a video game with them, and in a nonchalant way, at the commercial, or while you’re driving or during the game say:  “So, What’s up? You seem a little down today, or angry or overwhelmed.” Telling them what you see, rather than asking directly what’s wrong, can open things up. 

 

As you know from watching two many bad interviews on television getting someone to open up is an art form. Just ask Oprah!

          

GOING BACK TO SCHOOL: WHAT COLLEGE FRESHMAN HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THEIR PARENTS!

 Each semester I ask my 60 freshman college students to reflect on their life as  teens prior to college. I asked them to complete these two statements: I wish my parents had..., and I am glad that my parents.....After each statement, I've got something to say(in italics)!  Of course I do! I have narrowed them down to the 5 most frequent responses.

• I wish my parents knew how much I actually loved and respected them instead of taking my mistakes personally. Too often parents see themselves reflected in their kids, both in their triumphs, and in their downfalls.  Whatever your teen accomplishes or doesn't accomplish is on them!  If they do well it doesn't mean you are the greatest parent in the world, and if they fail, it doesn't mean you are the worst parent in the world. Cause guess what? It isn't always about you!     

• I wish my parents had understood how scared I was about my future in high school, and the pressure I felt to succeed.  I know how worried parents get about their teens future. Your teens feel your worry, and your disappointment. Layered on that is their own worry and disappointment when they don't do as well as they want, even when they know it's their own fault.  When they are worried and scared and disappointed, it often shows itself with anger and attitude. That is much easier to express then shame and doubt. Try to see through it!    

• I wish my parents hadn't compared me with my other siblings, and pressured me to meet their high standards. We are not the same. Another student said on the same topic: I wish my parents understood that I am not following in my brother's footsteps. I 'm not going to do everything like him. I am going to make my own mistakes. All children are not created equal. You may think that you treat all your kids equally, but those kids who don't measure up to what they believe the family standard is may always feel not good enough unless you make a supreme effort to make them think otherwise.    

• I wish my parents had understood how their divorce effects me today. They tried to drag me in the middle, and I always felt I had to fend for myself. Families face all kinds of crisis.  Divorce, chronic illness, financial worries, moves away from friends, all manner of life events. Teens are resilient, they can handle alot, but they need the adults in their life to have realistic expectations. When you are overwhelmed with your stress it can overshadow what your kids might be experiencing. They are not good at talking about it, and it may look as if they have it all under control. Trust me, they don't!   

• I wish my parents had been more aware of the mistakes I was making in high school by paying more attention and helping me. and another student:I wish my parents had been more aware of my relationship so I had someone to talk to when things got physical and bad. and another student: I wish my parents had understood I wanted them to push me harder through school/soccer. and another student: I wish my parents had pushed me to try new things, ie sports, clubs,  or summer camp. and another student: I wish my parents had pushed me more to want to get better grades, and to care more about school work. and another student: I wish my parents had taught me better homework study habits and were more involved academically. I could go on here, there are many more statements on this theme. I bet what these students are saying is surprising. Because  I'm sure every time you go into your teen's room to make sure they are doing their homework, they give you the evil eye. Well guess what, when they get to college and no one is giving them the evil eye they often don't get their work done. Don't stop bugging them, just cause they tell you to. They need you to help them integrate good study habits.  Too much instagram and tic tock, too much texting, too much distraction. They also want you to push them a little harder to help them find something that will give them a feeling of accomplishment, especially if it isn't school. Don't let them off  the hook easily when it comes to after-school expectations. Sometimes it's not that they don't want to do anything, they just can't figure out what the something should be. Bottom line, though they tell you to get out of their lives, they don't really mean it. 

Perhaps you are feeling a bit discouraged after reading my students write about all the things they wish their parents had done differently to prepare them for the rest of their life. Here is the good news, there are many things their parents did right and that they are grateful for. You know there is always yin and yang. Personal growth is a gift we give to ourselves!!! And hopefully by modeling we give that gift to our kids!!

I'm glad my parents:

• Didn't punish me every time I made a mistake or got a bad grade.
• Were honest, and didn't pretend that they were perfect teenagers.
• Taught me to work for what I wanted instead of just expecting to get it.
• Were always there for me.
• Taught me about taking personal responsibility while still providing a support system.
• Made me get a job.
• Didn't embarrass me in public or with my friends.
• Told me how proud they were of me.
• Gave me space when necessary.
• Have always been supportive and accepted my choices even if they disagreed.
• Limited TV and computer use.
• Made a home-cooked meal every night.
• Made me work for my money.
• Were on my ass about my grades.
• Amazing listeners and gave extremely good advice.
• Told me what I did wrong without hurting my self-esteem.
• Made me do my homework.
• Taught me self-respect.
• Took time out to listen to my ideas and interests.
• Pushed me to try new things.
• Loved me and showed me they cared.
• Taught me that nothing is handed to you in life.  
• Told me to follow my dreams and be who I want to be.
• Didn't necessarily punish me for the things I did wrong, but explained it was wrong and they were "disappointed." 
• Taught me to save money.
• Were open about drinking, and weren't unrealistic about partying, and we could talk about it. 
• Had a sense of humor.
• Always ate dinner with me.
• Spent time with me.
• Let me learn on my own and made me independent

In the moment, teens cannot absorb all that you do for them. The good news is that when they leave for whatever comes after high school, gratitude kicks in! Rather than being dismissive of the attention you gave them in their teen years, they crave it! Rather than being a spoiled brat because you didn't make the meal they wanted, the now crave any food that you give them. So be patient, when the conplex world of being a teen eases and they move into young adulthood, they love you so much they may never leave home!!!!!

FOR PARENT COACHING:

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JOANI@JOANIGELTMAN.COM

Connecting With Your Teen Is Not always Easy

One of the major tasks of Adolescence is to develop a personal identity; what are my values, my interests, my passions, what are the qualities I look for in friends and lovers, what is my sexual identity, what are my goals? etc.  Part of this process is also to look closely at the people who raised them, and analyze how they are both different and the same from them. I always say that having a teen in the house is like having your own personal therapist. With this new brain of theirs, they are able to really look at you without the cloud of perfection that hovered over you in their childhood. Why the hell do these kids have to grow up?????? They are now free to share with you their thoughts and ideas about you! Unfortunately much of what they share is the stuff we already don't like about ourselves. Having them be so honest can be very uncomfortable. But if you can listen without hurt or defensiveness, you might learn something new and potentially useful about yourself. More importantly it is part of the process of figuring out who they are.

As teens start thinking for themselves, they might start to go down paths that parents aren't comfortable with. I'm not talking about unsafe or risky behavior, but life choices about what they like to do, where they might want to go to college, and ultimately what they want to do with their life. Most parents have dreams for their kids. In healthy families, parents keep those dreams to themselves waiting to see what path their children seem most interested in, even if it means parents giving up their own dreams for their kids. In some families, parent's dreams for their kids is more of a requirement than an option. We call that Identity foreclosure, when the option of choosing one's own identity is taken away from them. The following paragraphs are answers to a question on the final exam I gave last week, asking students to choose the identity type that most describes their experience with this process. These students have answered identity foreclosure.

Food for thought:

"My parents forced me to go to all elite catholic schools form kindergarten to college. I  was never allowed to get anything below a B or I would be in serious trouble. I am now not a catholic."

"My parents picked nursing school for me. they said they would only pay for college if I went for nursing. My mom graduated from a nursing program and really wanted me to go."

"My parents control most if not all decisions made in my life. If they think that this is the best decision for my future they will push me toward that path without acknowledging my concerns."

"Everyone in my family is in the medical field and my parents urged me to become a nurse. I was pushed to pursue this.

Our kids are not mirror images of us. (thank god, I think my daughter is way more interesting than me). They may be living a life as a teen that is completely unfamiliar to you, your interests, and maybe what you were like as a teen. I made this film (link below) to help parents to build a bridge between who you are and what your expectations are for your teen, and respecting who they are becoming!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzpwSYP-Id0 

Get a group together of fellow parents, and join me at my house for A KITCHEN CONVERSATION.  I will cook for your group and provide 2 hours of expert parenting advice geared to your needs and interests. Organizer attends for free!!! email me for more information:joani@joanigeltman.com or call 781-910-1770.

A Roadmap For Parenting

This is a blog I wrote 4 years ago. Scrolling through my blogs this morning trying to get inspiration, I came upon this one. Since the beginning of pandemic, writing my weekly blogs became a slog! My motivation just went out the window. I am happy to say that after a hard fall, I feel a renewed sense of purpose. I hope my Monday morning posts will be helpful. Please email me if there is something you would like me to write about! Anyway... having just spent a beautiful thanksgiving with my daughter and her partner, coming upon this particular blog felt like "bashert" which is a yiddish word for something that it is meant to be. 

Parenting a teen can be a slog, let's face it! It's not like at the end of every day your kid throws their arms around you and thanks you for all the things you do for them. Talk about delayed gratification!!! That is really the reward of parenting. All the hard work and hard times you are experiencing now and the less the always loving reception you get for your teen is really just a moment in time! In the many years that follow, when your teen becomes a young adult and adult, those hugs  and word of appreciation will be ever present. Just not right now. This blog reminded me of all the yin and yang of parenting; When to set the limit, and when to step back and let your teen take the steering wheel both metaphorically and practically. Too bad those signs that sit in the back window of your card NEW  DRIVER can't also say, I'm a teen, and I make mistakes! 

Anyway, I'm rambling..... read on and enjoy and I'll see you every Monday!! Follow me on facebook!

PS: I am starting a new venture: Let's Have a Kitchen Conversation. I am passionate about cooking and passionate about helping parents. I thought, why not combine the two? Parents deserve a bit of nurturing for themselves after these hellish 2 years! So put a group together, 8-10 people, and come to my house for lunch. I can do weekends as well. At these lunches you will get great food and two hours of tailored to your needs, parenting advice. Email me at joani@joanigeltman.com or call 781-910-1770 for more info!!

 I just returned from a quick trip to LA where I was honored to receive the Judy and Hilary Swank Award for Parenting given by the Actors Fund Looking Ahead Program, which serves young actors and their parents. When I was called and told I would be receiving this award, I thought every parent should receive this award in recognition of the hard but rewarding job of being a parent! So I share this award with all parents!!! The first thing of course I did was to cry! This award recognizes a parent who has raised a young actor who has gone on to become an exceptional adult actor and all around wonderful person, which my 35 year old daughter certainly is!! I wanted to share with you my acceptance speech. Though geared to raising a child heading towards a professional career as an actor, I think it applies to raising any child with a passion whether it be sports or music, or art or leadership or academics or community service or for being a great friend and all around wonderful kid!  I hope you enjoy!! Here goes...

When Ari was a little girl, we introduced her to an array of activities, but what captured her heart was her first grade play.  She had found her passion at age 6.  There was no question that we were in 100%.  Finding our role in all of this wasn’t always easy. We had no roadmap and we had to figure out how to manage and balance our own lives with the demands of Ari’s busy career. 

We took our cues from Ari.  There were boundaries, unspoken but abided by. We were NOT her managers, her directors, or her agents; We were her parents. We were her uber drivers, chaperones, food service workers, appointment secretaries, and her most ardent supporters. We did not coach her on scripts, give feedback on her performances, or tell her what project she should do; that was not what she needed from us. She had her own mind, and eventually, “her people” for that. What we could do, as her parents, was to give her the freedom, opportunity and commitment to follow her dream.

Sometimes we were faced with decisions and dilemmas that challenged our roles as parents. Like when Ari was 13, she was lucky enough to be cast as the fool in an all women’s Shakespeare company production of King Lear. Ari was the only child and non-equity performer. They were to be in residence at Smith College for the summer and then go on the road for several weeks with the show. Because Ari was not equity, there was no place for me, both literally and figuratively.  But we figured it out. I slept on the floor of her tiny room and stayed out of the way until and unless Ari needed me. As the cast became a family and Ari felt ready to take on some independence, I took my leave. All that she learned that summer as a 13 year old is still very important to her. Just 2 years ago the company reunited in Scotland to perform together. Relationships and the work families she has become a part of had their beginnings in these early experiences, and I am so glad I didn’t let my own anxiety get the best of me. 

When Ari was 15 she was in a production at the Huntington Theater in Boston, where we live.  As often was the case, Ari was again the youngest in the cast by many years. Again she became part of her stage family. Her stage brother then 25 most especially. After the production ended, Michael invited Ari to New York City to stay with him and his then boyfriend. So I put her on the train, and off she went. My friends were aghast. "You’re letting her travel alone on the train?" "You’re letting her stay with two 25-year-old men, what are you thinking?" Here’s what I was thinking,. My only child now has a brother, an amazing man who loves and cares about her enough to invite her into his life. And now here we are 20 years later, Michael, here in the audience, is one of my most cherished friends, and is still, and will be forever, Ari’s family. Now she is Auntie Ari as Michael and Brian’s family has grown by two beautiful babies. The Power of relationship!!

In the summer before Ari’s senior year in high school we were in LA auditioning, and she landed a test for a pilot to shoot immediately. I really didn’t understand and was clueless that this meant she would need to sign a contract in 24 hours that might determine her life for the next 5 years. I felt strongly that you only get one senior year of high school. Ari was engaged in and loved her school, had amazing friends, and wanted some college experience. This opportunity could potentially erase this year of that life. Ultimately I had to make the call, Ari WOULD be going back for her senior year- no pilot! I felt no ambivalence about my decision.  But I understood completely and my heart broke for the pain and disappointment Ari was feeling.  I think in the end the lesson Ari took away from this experience was to really understand what is most important in life, and sometimes that means making really hard decisions. 

I have been so inspired by those kinds of hard decisions Ari now makes about her career and her life. She has stayed really true to herself about the work and the art she wants to put out into the world, even when it is not the most popular decision. If even a little bit of this came from that hard day almost 20 years ago in LA, I will be grateful.  

This is a tough business, so much of what an actor has to cope with are decisions made about them beyond their control. As a parent this can feel absolutely excruciating, unfair and yes, sometimes even cruel. Our instinct is to want to protect our children and fix it!  Over the years I have learned from Ari that what she needs from me in these moments is not advice, but instead a safe and loving space to be understood, with the freedom to experience and express her feelings. This lesson has probably been the hardest (still working on it) but honestly it is the most valuable and powerful one for me as both a mother and a professional.

As a parenting expert and writer, I am as passionate about my work as Ari is about hers, and I know that my experience raising my dedicated, and extraordinary daughter informs much of who I am and what I teach parents today. I have learned so much from her. She continually challenges herself to live a life full of integrity, purpose, passion, and authenticity. To learn, to experience, to take risks, to love and most importantly to find the power within herself to live a fulfilling life as both an artist and a woman.