What All Parents Can Take Away From The "Varsity Blues" College Scandal

Of course you, my regular readers, knew I would have to write about this scandal. There have been more than enough articles on it already, and I don't want to rehash what has already been said. What I want to do is find a way to make this all useful for you. This particular scandal is a 1% problem. These parents have access and privilege to almost anything they want, and in this case abused their power and influence and committed a crime, and thought they were too untouchable to get caught.  I think though there are good lessons here for all parents, that can generalize regardless of income and privilege.

Basically we all love our children to death, and want the absolute best for them. But when we troubleshoot, problem solve and negotiate for our teens and young adults, we take away the opportunity to develop self esteem, independence and the maturity they will need to become competent adults. Who amongst has not made the call to our old college roommate who runs a successful company for our teen to do an internship that might look good on a college application; or found the volunteer job that your kid needs to fulfill their school's community service requirement (that was me); or called a teacher or coach when you felt they were being unfair to your kid; or gave them wayyy to much help on completing some school project that was frustrating them; or edited/wrote a paper or college essay to make it sound better; or bought them something or let them do something that cost more money than deserved to be spent without expecting then to work for it; or helped them to "get out of a mess" of their own making to protect them from what you may feel are consequences that are too harsh or might jeopardize their future in some way. We ALL do some of these things, because we love our kids, and sometimes it feels right to help them. But many times, (and I have worked with enough parents to know this)we go overboard, cause it's just easier and you know that if you take it on, it will get done right!! So might I suggest here that you teen become a partner, not a recipient of all your loving help. Make sure that they are in charge of the implementation of any strategy you two come up with for whatever the circumstances might be. Let them do the research, make the calls, put in the time, and pay the consequences when they don't. If the paper doesn't get in on time...oh well their grade might be bad, and yes there may be a consequence down the line in a term grade, but then how else will they learn to get things done when they need to get done!

Also it is important to know that whatever college your teen attends will only be good for them, if and only if, THEY put int the effort and work to make it meaningful. Name brand colleges DO NOT guarantee success. Early advantage does not necessarily make a difference unless the person has taken ownership of that advantage and turned it into something very personal. I have worked with many parents who have "given their child everything" only to find that when the structure of school and daily parenting is over, they are at a loss to figure out how to be an adult. This becoming an adult thing needs practice!! Overcoming struggles and hardships and using their own creativity and grit, and learning to be patient with the process of maturing is what makes people become successful.

I found these comments at the end of the many New York Times articles I read about the scandal. I think their messages are meaningful.

My parents both attended Stanford and made modest donations over the years. I applied (mid-eighties), and wasn't admitted because I didn't deserve to be - I didn't have the grades. They were furious; they'd expected the legacy system to work. I knew I didn't earn it and was secretly relieved, but also saddened by their attitude. It wasn't about me; they wanted bragging rights and to have their pedigree stamped and verified. That other students had excelled and deserved to be admitted didn't seem to matter to them. Entitlement. (nytimes reader response)

Our children are not trophies for us to show around. They need to find the right niches for themselves and parents should help them do that. —scrim1, Bowie, Md.

The real losers in all this are the children of these wealthy parents, who learn that cheating is the way to win in life. They have been failed by their parents and lost something precious: their self-respect. Their entire life, people will wonder if what they achieve is a product of honest work and skill or another cheat — even if they end up being presidents or senior White House advisers. — Jim Brokaw, California

Facing Your Fears

I was in LA for a few days and had the opportunity to hang out with a real live horse whisperer. A friend of mine owns an albino horse, which means that the pure white of the horse also extends to her eyes. Albino horses have some vision disability. As a result they can become quite fearful and skittish when they sense something they can't see. And that is why my friend hired a horse whisperer. To help this horse confront her fears and work through them.

Sounds like therapy to me. I watched this guy in action when the horse became fearful of something none of us could see or find an explanation for. The horse would become agitated, and refuse to move forward or backward. The "whisperer" calmly acknowledged the horses fear, but urged with control and calm for her to move forward. His efforts weren't instantaneous, but in time, without anger or frustration from the whisperer, the horse trusted him, and moved on. This process will need to be practiced and repeated by my friend, until her horse believes that with fear can come safety and comfort.

Isn't this a life skill we should try to teach our kids? Teens in particular are faced with so many new challenges and fears; Who am I? Who will I become? Where will I fit in? What will interest me? What is my future? What is my present? As parents we want them to take risks, the safe kind, try new things, meet new people, go on adventures, and get out of their comfort zone. If we give in to their fears, and leave them be, we don't give them our belief that though change is scary, working through it can bring eventual safety, comfort and growth, just like with that beautiful albino horse. Get that horse out of the barn and there is a world to run in and explore.

I worked with a couple once whose daughter's needs were to get out of her community where she felt like a square peg in a round hole. She had passions and interests that could not be supported in the town she lived, but could be if she could get on a train and go into the nearby city. The parents were homebodies, and never much left their community. It was time to get the "horse out of the pasture." In order for the daughter to feel that the bigger world was a safe and accepting place, the parents had to do it first, and show her the way. And because these parents loved their daughter, and "got" that she needed to experience life in a different way, they all became adventurers together, researching opportunities, figuring out transportation, and opening the door to adventure. They were all fearful, but with coaching, and persistence, these parents were able to help their daughter find a new way to feed herself. Once the pasture door was open, and she trusted those who urged her out,  she flew out the barn door!

College Acceptance and Rejections: It's That Time Of Year

Tis the season.....For all of you who have high school seniors, the college acceptance and rejection season is upon you. You are in high anxiety, and your teen is in higher anxiety. This feels like a defining moment for everyone, even though truly....it is not. Admission to college is a little like a shell game these days. Sometimes kids get into the colleges they did not expect, and sometimes they get rejected from a school they thought was a sure thing.  Sometimes kids get into what they thought was their dream school, and by the end of the first semester they are miserable, disillusioned, and can't wait to transfer somewhere else.

Your first job is to monitor your own emotional temperature, and manage your own expectations. Where your senior gets in or doesn't get in does not define him or her or YOU. It does does not make them a genius or a loser. It is a moment in time. I have seen kids go to the school of their dreams and fail miserably, and I have seen kids go to their bottom of the list choice and end up happy, and very successful. Once the initial shock, excitement, or disappointment wears off, as it does by summer when you are in buying for the dorm mode, all will be forgotten except for the excitement of starting college...any college!  If you are more excited than, or more disappointed then your teen, you need to tone it down. Your teen is not in the business of having to meet or not meet your expectations and dreams for them. They have enough to contend with dealing with their own feelings. Talk to your partner, talk to your mother, talk to your friends, but don't impose your emotional agenda on your child. That will truly be the best gift you can give them for graduation!

What you can do is that will be helpful to your perspective college freshman is validate whatever feelings they are having. You don't need to try to make it all better, or tell them what you think they should do or go, you just need to understand and be in THEIR moment with them. As In: "I get this must be exciting for you, or disappointing for you,or frustrating for you, etc, etc" Remember that your teen lives in the emotional part of their brain. So whatever the outcome of this college decision process is, your teen will feel first, think later. Give them the time to do that. There are alot of factors that weigh in on the college decision, $$, location, course offerings, distance from home, but there is time to think about all those things later. Give your teen the time to process, and sit with the results. Maybe even a few weeks before you even start talking about it. You might say;" I get how hard this decision will be for you, I know you have a lot to think about. I want to give you time to just digest before we have to really get on the decision making stick. I am happy to talk with you anytime, but I want you to know that I respect your need to think on it. Let me know how I can help."

And finally, please respect your teen's privacy when it comes to sharing the acceptances or rejections. Maybe your teen could care less who knows and will give you permission to tell the world. But some kids are VERY sensitive about this whole process and absolutely do not want their business shared with the masses. Case in point: I was at my gym last week and over heard a discussion between two moms who were spin class acquaintances, not best friends. Both were going down their teen's list of where they were accepted or rejected. I wondered why that seemed so important to two women who didn't even know or care about each other's kids. I know parents are proud when their kids get into schools that make them proud. Often I see those parents starting off the conversation, just so someone will ask them about their kids. Try not to get into the " My kids better than your kid" state of mind. All of our kids are wonderful, and where they get in or don't get in will not change that!

This is a wonderful op-ed Frank Bruni wrote about this subject:

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/15/opinion/sunday/frank-bruni-how-to-survive-the-college-admissions-madness.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&module=c-column-top-span-region&region=c-column-top-span-region&WT.nav=c-column-top-span-region&_r=0

The Top Three Stressors According To Teens

Results from a new Pew Research Center poll that surveyed over 900 teens from across the country show these as the top three issues that stress teens out:

 1. "About 70 percent of U.S. teens reported anxiety and depression as a "major problem" among people their age." 

2. "Bullying was the second-highest concern, with about 90 percent of U.S teens aged 13 to 17 saying it was at least a minor problem in their lives." 

3. "Stress about academic performance, concerns about "looking good" physically and trying to fit in socially topped the list of pressures teens said they face each day." 

If you are a parent of a teen, this is not new news!! This is what you see and hear every day in different ways with both your teen and their friends. But it does reinforce just how hard life feels for teens today, and I think that is the new news here. How many of you, looking back on your own teen years would say you were depressed, and anxious on a regular basis, or felt bullied on a regular basis? I certainly had bad days, and had even lost my dad suddenly as a 13 year old, but I think if someone had asked me if I felt depressed or anxious regularly, I have would have looked at them like they were crazy!!!

Maybe we just didn't have the feeling language that kids have now, which by the way is good thing. And maybe some of us were just in denial.  We also lived in a culture that was free from technology, which meant we didn't look in a virtual mirror 24/7. Sure we were self-conscious about they way we looked, but we didn't have to expose ourselves for public consumption and for a wide audience!

So yes, teens do have it harder these days. How about sharing this study/article with your kids and see what else they might add to that list. It might give you some new insight into what makes them tick. When you know what's making them feeling bad, then you have a head start into what might help you make them feel better! https://www.newsweek.com/mental-health-american-teens-anxiety-depression-suicide-bullying-drug-1337772

I just watched this very moving TEDX talk by a dad who recently lost his son to suicide. He honestly shares what he missed. This is a must watch for you and your partner.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8FGzsFLCm0

Vacation Week Movies To Watch With Your Teen

I love a week with no plans. I love a day with no plans. Today is Presidents day and I find myself wrapped in a blanket watching a riveting documentary about boys growing up in inner city Baltimore being given the opportunity to go to a  boarding school in Kenya, getting them out of an environment that offers failing schools so overcrowded to notice learning challenges and serious mental health issues, and a community that too often, offers little in employment opportunities except gangs and drug dealers. A year in the bush with caring adults and teachers does wonders, until unrest in Africa forces the school to close, and back they must go to their dysfunctional homes/communities and school having had just a small taste of success. The film is called The Boys Of Baracka.  I love being reminded of how little, kids need to flourish. Really, their needs are so simple; love, attachment, structure, security, caring adults, safe streets and safe schools, healthy food and exercise and time to be a child. How lucky most of us and and our children are to have these things.

So that's my idea of a fun afternoon, a little heavy, but unstructured time on a winter's day can become an impromptu hang day with your teen. Make some popcorn, a fire in the fireplace, and turn on that dusty old big screen TV hanging idly on the wall while your teen usually watches tv and movies in their room on their devices, and invite them to a home movie party.

Go old school and watch some of the wonderful 80's movies you grew up with: Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, Can't But Me Love, The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off to name a few. If you want to watch recent movies. 8th Grade is just spectacular!!!! Your Kids will love it. Also The Way Way Back, Without A Trace, Hearts Beat Loud, and if they are fans of superhero movies, Black Panther, All Iron Man movies, etc. What does your teen like, what kind of movie might get him/her out of their room and onto your couch. Bribe them with food and treats and just relax together doing nothing!! Happy Vacation Week!

Do You Know About The App VPN...YOU SHOULD!!!!

Staying ahead of social networking is certainly a challenge. You think you've got it under your belt and then WHAM you get hit with some new ingenious way that kids are outsmarting their parents.  VPN stands for Virtual Private Network. In its most basic terms it allows teens to get around all the Parental Controls I have been suggesting you use, making them able to use the apps you don't want them to use, and use them during the times you have blocked them from using if you've put time restrictions on through the parental controls. It allows them to access to Netflix, Hulu and other streaming sites no password needed anytime anywhere!. Damn those kids for being so smart!!!!Truthfully, it's pretty genius from a techie point of view, and certainly from a teen's point of view, but for parents it's an arch enemy!!!

How do you know if you teen is using a VPN. Here are a few ways to find out. On an iPhone if you look on your teen's phone you will see the VPN initials in upper left corner of their phone next to the cell signal thingy! On a droid swipe down on the home screen and there will be a notification that VPN is running. 

Also you can go the app store on your teen's iphone or google play on android.  In the app search engine put in VPN. Many options will be listed. If any of the apps say OPEN your teen has VPN up and running. If it says GET you're good, then it has not been downloaded! 

Funny story, last year I was at a school to do my presentation on Social Networking. Just before I got there they had discovered a big problem. This school had distributed Chrome Books to all their students, and had dutifully thought they had done a good job of blocking social networking sites and streaming sites, so that students would be using their chrome books at school solely for school related projects. Well don'tcha know those smart kids had VPN's running and were enjoying Netflix during lunch and study periods! I know this now, but last year, it seemed a mystery to everyone just how these kids were accessing these supposedly blocked sites. Thank you VPN.

Why is this important? Because as I have talked about many times too much time spent on technology is NOT a good thing for young developing brains. Parental controls are the only real way of controlling time and opportunity, the two things you as parents really have control over. VPN challenges that power. You still need to protect the very vulnerable mental health of your teen as they navigate this new stage of life.  

You have got to stay smarter than your teen!!! For more specific tech knowledge on VPNs go to protectyoungeyes.com and put VPN in their search engine.

Happy sleuthing!

Not Porn Again!!!!

Read and then we'll talk!
https://www.bostonglobe.com/magazine/2019/01/29/what-kids-aren-telling-parents-about-porn-instagram-and-snapchat/z12WPJFUGYt0vm1fDOndDP/story.html

I know this is not a fun topic. But it is a topic that must be discussed. In the olden days (when I was a teen) boys coveted their Playboys, and Penthouses, usually retrieved from their dad's trash. In today's world, those magazines seem so sweet; nude, beautiful, airbrushed, large breasted women..perfection personified. Ah, the days of yore.

Today's porn is live and in-person. As you will see on the video below, 25% of Internet searches are for porn, and I'm sure many of those searches are conducted by teenage boys. Unfortunately, the porn they are watching is not sweet. It is full of women being taunted by men,  and the sex is violent and disrespectful. These video images can shape a young boy into thinking that this is the way girls like sex, demeaning, humiliating and forceful. The number of calls I get from parents of girls who are being harassed sexually by boys is scary. And even scarier is the world we now live in with daily accusations of sexual assault and harassment about the people in our lives who are supposed to be our role models!!Because of teen's easy access to porn on smartphones, IPADs, and laptops, parents are very much out of the loop. It used to be parents could check the history on their teen's laptop and see what they were up to, at least giving them the opportunity to have a discussion with their teen about the dangers of porn. Masturbation is not one of them. Thinking that women liked to be controlled is one of them. And in the link I have included, porn addiction is another.

Let's not leave girls out of this. A new favorite pass time at sleepovers is to go on sites like chatroullette and the app Monkey to watch live, men masturbating. I know, icky!  This is a video social networking site in which you live chat with someone you do not know. Many men are on this site trolling for girls to have video sex with. I have had a number of calls from parents who go down to the basement to bring the girls some food, and lo and behold there is some guy on the computer screen moaning and groaning, and a gaggle of girls egging him on.

If there was ever a time for a sex talk, this is the time. Teens need to hear another side! It is not OK to be exploited, it is not OK to expect a girl to do whatever you want her to do, or for a girl to think she has to do whatever a boy wants. College campus's, high schools AND middle schools are now awash in sexual harrassment cases and date rape. The research is showing that this onslaught of easily accessed porn, unsupervised by parents is behind some of this behavior. This is an uncomfortable topic. But in our current culture we are now learning that respect for women is not something that is a given. It needs to start being taught at a young age, and never stop. It is modeling what goes on your own home, and with your friends, and it is using the daily barrage of news stories as teaching lessons. It is talking and talking and talking until maybe you are blue in the face.

The Boston Globe article above is authored by Gail Dines who developed a program called Culture Reframed. This website should be a must bookmark for you. There is a parent toolkit (free) to help you understand and talk to your kids about porn. It is an amazing resource for parents!
https://www.culturereframed.org/parents-of-teens/

Watch this video with your boys. Talk with them again and again and again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ya67aLaaCc&feature=player_embedded