Your Kids Love You, They Really Do!

I loved loved loved this video. In it, parents describe all the ways they think they have failed their children. "the I'm not a good enough parent" syndrome. I meet a lot of parents who come up to me after a seminar, and say:  "Oops, I guess I've already screwed up my kids, I've done everything wrong!!! They couldn't be more wrong. Yes maybe the consequence they used when their teen did something wrong wasn't that effective. Or maybe you lost it and got over the top mad when you should have tried to keep your temper in check, or maybe your teen disappointed you yet again and you said something that signaled your disappointment in a very strong way that set them off and they felt misunderstood. Of course WE ALL behave in ways sometimes that we regret and wish we had acted differently, especially as parents, But the good news is, your kids will be fine as long as they feel completely loved and accepted, and that the stuff you think you "did wrong" is countered with all the years and years of hugs, and I'm proud of you, and you're awesome stuff!!!!

Teen often bring out the worst in us. There is a parenting adjustment that needs to happen, knowing that the way you parent your teens when they were young just won't work anymore. Frustration at what feels like a lack of power, can turn parents into screaming banshees. But you haven't always been that way, and you won't always be that way. So give yourself a break and watch this video. It will make you feel really really really really good!!!!!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/31/the-video-every-mom-must-watch_n_4181007.html?1383226374&icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl1%7Csec1_lnk2%26pLid%3D399391

Two New Apps Teen Use But Shouldn't!!

Thank you to sleuthing parents who have shared with me new apps their teens are using, and probably shouldn't be! The first is called Brighten. In theory it sounds just lovely, but in the hands of impulsive and aggressive teens, can be dangerous. This app was developed by two sweet people who loved the idea of people anonymously sharing a compliment with deserving people. Why it has to be anonymous makes no sense to me. If you think your friend is a nice person, can't you just tell them that in person? Well, apparently having a slew of nice things said about you publicly and anonymously is better. Here is how it works. You set up a profile page, like you would do on any app. And that's it. From there anyone can look up your profile and name and anonymously post a compliment. And why a compliment? Because that's the rule!!! But not an enforced rule, just a "please be nice to someone on this app, pretty please" This sounds exactly like any other of the apps that use anonymous posting like ASKFM.  Here is review from the app school by one teen who is using it:

"My friends and I got brighten, we were loving it at first. All of the girls were sending love back to each other, it was amazing and it really did make every single girl feel so good about herself, but as more people started to join and guys found out about it, the title turned into UNbrighten. There are so many rumors going around now on it and nobody reports it and so these poor targets are getting attacked anonymously non-stop And the people who try to show love get reported. There is SO much ranting and roasting going on."

Delightful!!!! I have several problems with this app. First, the anonymous thing allows teen to take absolutely no responsibility for their posts. Hence another outlet for the drama of teen life. Here is yet another vehicle for bullying. And secondly, which I think is really important is this need by teens for constant reinforcement and affirmation that they are "liked and loved" no matter how false and superficial it is. Real self-esteem comes from rising to challenges, working hard on something and feeling a sense of accomplishment, and being a kind and good person. Teaching your children the value of feeling good for one's self and feeling self-pride is primary. Of course we all love to be told that we are valuable, and lovable. But it is most effective when it comes from someone with an authentic motive.

The second app that sounds like another teen stomping ground, and I mean ego stomping is called after school. Here is the description form the app store: "After school is an anonymous and private message board for your school. Post confessions, funny experiences, compliments and more. We have a zero-tolerance policy and please remember to be positive."

Here is how this one works. When a teen signs up, they must link it to their Facebook account so before the app goes live on their phone, after school can verify that they are indeed a student at such and such high school or middle school, cause they have put that in their Facebook account profile. What this means in parent speak, is STAY OUT PARENTS!!! THIS IS A PRIVATE CLUB. Yup that's right, if you try to sign up to stay abreast of what's getting posted on this site you will be refused. Because when they go to your Facebook profile they will see that though you may dress like a teen hipster, you are still a middle-aged nosey parent! so no access!! I have linked an article below that describes this app in more detail and how it can be used for "no good"
https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/millions-of-teens-are-using-a-new-app-to-post-anonymous-thoughts-and-most-parents-have-no-idea/2015/12/08/1532a98c-9907-11e5-8917-653b65c809eb_story.html

As I have said a million times, you should be the CEO of app downloading. This way when you find out about these apps that your teen would normally download without a thought in the world, you can have some control. I am talking here about teens 6th grade through maybe sophomore year. After that, it's more about teaching them to make these decisions for themselves. But middle school kids do need your help on this. Once again here is how you can do this: On an iPhone: go to settings, then general, then restrictions on your teen's phone. it will ask for you to come up with a password, keep this PRIVATE. This will allow you to enter the section of the phone where you can disable their ability to download apps. If they want a new app they will have to come to you, make a case for wy they need this app, then you will have to decide if it's worthwhile. Please do your homework when they request to download. Go online and research the app, then if you give your permission than  you will have to do the downloading. This is a sh*tload of work for a parent, I know!! I am sorry, but these new apps are not taking into account the psychology of a teen, that is my job and yours!!

Why Doesn't My Teen Ever Think About Me And What I Need???

What is it with these teens anyway? How can they be so self-absorbed, and selfish? How many times have you found yourself saying to your teen: "I ask so little of you, you can't even do this one thing, after all the things I do for you, even just this one thing you can't do?????"

You are right when you say that it doesn't make sense. Cause it doesn't. How hard is it to put the lightbulb in the socket, or put the pot roast in the oven? Obviously not hard. It may be that it is your delivery system of expectations that isn't working. Notes, too easy to ignore, in-person requests, to easy to dismiss..."I'll do it!!!!!!!" But of course they don't. Why? Cause there is really no real motivation to do it. They don't really care about the pot roast, until of course it's dinnertime and they are STAARVING, and they get pissed at you for not having dinner ready!! "Hello, am I crazy, did I not ask you to turn on the pot roast so dinner would be ready!! Crazy making.

Find a delivery system that will work. Is it a text? Is it an alarm on their phone? Is it a denial of a ride request, money for the weekend, new outfit. As in "gee honey, I'd love to do, take, buy X for you, let me know when you put that lightbulb in your bathroom. But I will tell you what doesn't work, and that is the yelling, and the lecturing that they only think of themselves. The truth, they do only think about themselves....for now. Your son or daughter does not have a character flaw, you have not spoiled them (unless you have), they are in this moment of time, and they do need your help, just not the yelling kind.

PS Have you thought that maybe A SURVIVAL GUIDE TO PARENTING TEENS, TALKING TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT SEXTING DRINKING DRUGS AND OTHER THINGS THAT FREAK YOU, might make a great holiday gift. IT WOULD!!!!!
http://www.amazon.com/Survival-Guide-Parenting-Teens-Drinking/dp/0814433669/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1449694013&sr=1-1&keywords=joani+geltman

Solutions To Two Of The Most Annoying Teen Behaviors

Laundry:

This might be one of the major hurdles that parents and teens just can't get past. Forget drugs. alcohol, sex, cellphones, computers; why can't they just put their damn laundry away?????? It is this question that has plagued parents since the concept of clean clothes was born. The answer is that kids don't give a s**t about their laundry. They just like the magical laundry fairy to deliver their clean laundry all folded up nicely to their room. They don't really think about the real person who has done it,  or that putting away this beautiful folded laundry would make the laundry fairy happier than almost anything else. The Laundry fairy, however, is being driven quietly insane by this basket of nicely folded laundry that is emptied out on the floor as their teen scrounges through it looking for their favorite white tee shirt, leaving the beautifully folded laundry in a heap either hanging off, inside or outside of the laundry basket. What's a laundry fairy to do?

There are two easy possible solutions:

 First just do it yourself. It will take 5 minutes of your time, and it will be one less thing to argue with your teen about. Consider it a gift of parenthood. Also, and not of minor importance, it gives you access to your teens drawers where you might potentially find contraband of some sort or another that gives you insight into your teen's life!

Second, if your teen won't put this beautifully folded laundry away, then STOP FOLDING IT! Do the laundry as always, and bring to your teen a basket of clean but unfolded laundry. If they aren't happy with this new adjustment, you can calmly say: " Since it didn't seem important to you to put your laundry away to keep it unwrinkled, I figured it didn't need to be folded at all. If you feel differently, I would be happy to fold your laundry when you decide that putting it in your drawers keeps your clothes they way you like them. Just let me know what you decide."

Dirty Dishes and food wrappers

This is another one of those issues that drives parents absolutely crazy. "Why can't my teen bring his dirty dishes, glasses, food wrappers etc up to the kitchen and put them in the dishwasher????" Why, because they absolutely could not give a s**t!! It doesn't bother them, and as soon as they are finished with whatever foodstuffs they have consumed, it is out of sight out of mind!

Here is a solution: Buy cheap paper plates and cups. New rule, any food consumed out of the kitchen is to be eaten or drunk from the paper products now available on kitchen counters everywhere. This includes bedrooms, family rooms, and basements. Your job is to provide ample trash receptacles in every location, strategically placed next to coaches, chairs, cushions or other lounging areas. The more wastebasket availability the better. Don't just leave it at that. Have a training session. Bring some snacks to your trash toting teen using said paper products, and when they have finished eating, practice putting the trash in the available trash receptacles. 

Sometimes it's better to problem solve than nag. If they can't, won't, don't, bring the dishes upstairs, then figure out other ways for them to consume. Many parents worry that if they don't "teach" their kids how to clean up after themselves than as adults they won't know how to do it. This is not true!!! If you have provided a good model from the get-go on a keeping a well-ordered home then that is the model that will be present for them when it is time for them to have their own home. Trust me I know this from my own experience with my daughter and all the young adults I have watched grow up. They all are wonderful keepers of their homes, but as teens they were just like yours!

How Could You Do This To Us???

I love reading the AOL home page. It's kind of like reading The Enquirer while standing in line at the supermarket, but in private! This video/news posted on AOL story was about two parents.  Frustrated with their 15 year old daughter's complete and utter disregard for their rules, they decided to write this sign and make her stand beside it on a busy road in their community for all to see. It read: I sneak boys in at 3 AM and disrespect my parents and grandparents. One adult driver, passing by the girl, stopped his car and got out to talk to the girl. When interviewed by the reporter wondering what made him stop and talk to the girl, replied that he  "saw that this young girl looked so sad and upset and I was worried that this humiliation might make her do something to hurt herself."

Good for this guy, cause he has this exactly right. Shaming and humiliation is not a constructive disciplinary technique. It is abusive, and by the way rarely produces long term change. Clearly, sneaking a boy into her room at 3 AM is a HUGE concern, and I'm guessing not the first time. But I am also guessing that if this is how these parents are choosing to punish their daughter, their parenting style in general may be somewhat extreme and authoritarian. Probably not a lot of talking going on in this family.

At some point in your teen's life they will do something extreme that crosses your line. Every family is different, and the standard for crossing the line is different for every family.  Responding to this transgression with " How could you do this to me/us?" will get you nowhere. The fact is, your teen did not "do this to you." Your feelings, and wondering what the consequences would be do not even come into play with your teen. For that teen who snuck the boy into her room, what her parents or grandparents would do if she got caught was no where in her horny, impulsive teenage brain. And that is really the issue. Raising a teen means understanding that their egocentricity and narcissism is a part of their personality...for now.  It is not a character flaw, but a developmental hurdle that has to be planned for. Your teen acts on emotion and impulse, not thoughtful and careful consideration.
When parents use shame and humiliation as a consequence for this kind of behavior, they are shutting down communication, not opening it up at this very important juncture.

Clearly there need to be consequences for this girl. Both sets of parents need to sit down with the kids and talk not yell about what happened. Rather than banning this boy from the house which might send them out in secret, I would invite him into their house to hang with supervision. I would make sure there was no late night use of cellphones, which is how this  3 AM rendezvous must have been set up. I can imagine a late night sexting/texting communication that ended in a "I need to have sex with you right now" and up the wall into her bedroom he came!

Humiliation and shame can do long term harm to a person, and to their sense of self. Teens are extremely vulnerable as they are in the very beginning stages of assembling their identity. They are just getting the roots in place, and if those roots are stepped on rather than nurtured, there can be grave consequences.

Love Is All There Is

There is something about the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.  Maybe its the embedded memory of a half day at school and the anticipation of four days of freedom. I know for me its also the anticipation of my favorite meal ever, looking forward to savoring every morsel of turkey and stuffing, and a new recipe for Caramel Apple Pie I saw in today's paper. But what I look forward to most is the minute my beloved daughter walks in the door. There is nothing more special, more delicious, than that first hug with your child, no matter how grown up. Thanksgiving is a day to be treasured. All the worries of daily life, messy rooms, bad attitudes, disappointing grades, worries about money, job, family responsibility all put aside in order to cherish and preserve the present; family, food, and football. ( I personally hate football, but I get it's importance to some)

I know sometimes for parents this is no easy task. Maybe you have had a hard week with your teen, arguments, hurt feelings, parents feeling ignored and abandoned by their kids. I wanted to share especially for these parents a poem that a parent shared with me. She and her son had been at odds at what felt like forever. She was so saddened by the change in their relationship, and was working really hard to find some common ground with her son in this battlefield. One morning, going into her son's room to grab his laundry, she found this poem on the floor. This was not a school assignment, but an impulsive pouring out of thoughts. He did not hand his mom this poem as an olive branch, but instead, left it out for her to find. It is a tribute to the love a son has for his family. Know this, that what you often see on the outside, is not what is really going on the inside. Thanksgiving day is a day for you to share those feelings with your kids. Take the inside love and wear it on the outside, at least for the day, and maybe they will too. 

Where Am I From

I am from long nights lying on the grass

I am from days packed with sports

I am from burnt rice and undercooked hot dogs

I am from arguing about the stupidest things

I am from Love

I am from listening to my ipod late at night

I am from turning on my fan just for the noise

I am from letting facebook turn 1 hour of work into 3

I am from tiptoeing to the bathroom so my mom thinks I'm still asleep

I am from prayers said with the rest of my family over wine, even though I can’t drink

I am from Love

I am from Life

Why Is My Teen So Mean To Me?

There is a really good reason why teens are mean to their parents. Now with this new teenage brain growing by leaps and bounds, they are literally having thoughts they have never had before. Remember back when you were a teenager the moment when you realized " hey, my parents aren't perfect...awesome!!!!"

Teens have this new thinking ability that allows them to analyze and think more deeply about things. This is why teachers in middle school and high school expect their students to go from the concrete: who-what- where kinds of questions and answers, to the whys? They want them to read between the lines. School is not the only place teens are expected to do this kind of thinking. Their social life, their family life, all of it is now seen and understood under a whole new lens. What do you think gossip is?? It's a new way to think and analyze the people in their life. And you dear parents are part of their life. For the first time, they are seeing you without the rose-colored glasses of childhood, where parents are perfect, and their #1's. Now they see cracks in the armor. "Hey my parents don't practice what they preach, they can be hypocrites." Your teen can see right through the "do as I say, not as I do!"

Not only do they see you more realistically, but they absolutely love to tell you all their new perceptions that they are having about you. They are missing the edit button that will come with adulthood. For now though, if they have a thought about you, no matter how mean sounding, they share it. You may feel that no matter what you do or say, according to your teen it's the wrong thing!!!!

Never fear, this is only temporary. Remember it's a new way of thinking about you. It's a novelty, and it feels really powerful for a teen to be able to see their parents in a whole new way. Having a teen in your home is like having a live in therapist. There is no one who will be more honest with you. If you can hold off on getting defensive, and listen to what they have to say, you might learn something new about yourself that is useful.

The trick here is to not feed into your teen's feeling of power. Basically they are being bullies, and the best way to handle a bully is to take away their power of hurt. So the next time you feel that biting criticism from your teen, rather than expressing hurt or anger, go up to them, give them a great big hug and say: "You are so cute when you're being a brat, I love you!!!" That ought to do the trick!