Preventing Sexual Assault: It's All About Your Friends

The article below is a must read for parents and teens. Read it together, talk about it together, strategize together!! For those of you whose kids are about to go off to college, this should be a mandatory read!!

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2014/08/18/339593542/the-power-of-the-peer-group-in-preventing-campus-rape

I Know Something You Don't Know

Here is an article I did on the website:  Empowering Parents. Do you know something about one of your teen's friends you think their parents would want to know. Here are some tips on handling this delicate situation.

http://www.empoweringparents.com/blog/substance-abuse-and-risky-behavior/i-know-something-you-dont-know/

Resourcefulness and Resilience: Practice Makes Perfect

Parents, take this short quiz:

1. T  F  When my kid has a paper to write, I love when I, I mean when he/she gets a good grade.
2. T  F  When my teen is having a problem with a teacher, a friend, a coach or the other "parent" I love to provide the solution to make his/her life easier, and have them benefit from my experience.
3. T  F  When my teen is looking for a job, a summer program, or community service, I do everything I can to help by calling everyone I know.
4. T  F  Now that my teen is ready for the college process, I do all the research about the colleges, visits, and requirements, because I know how busy my teen is.
5. T  F  When my teen doesn't know how to do something, I love telling him/her how to do it, because I know they appreciate and expect my help.

So, how did you do?? If you even had one "T" you might unknowingly be preventing your teen from developing resourcefulness and resilience, two personality traits that are present in very successful adults. Getting straight "A"s", graduating at the top of the class, or even going to an Ivy League college is not what guarantees success in life.

Most teens demand to be in charge of their social life, not wanting help from you at all. But when it comes to the parts of their life, they feel less confident in, they may demand your help. And what parents doesn't love it, when your teen asks for your help. It's like a drug. It may not happen often, but when it does, you are primed and ready for action. If feeds your need to feel like a competent and supportive parent, especially if your relationship with your teen has been going through a rocky spell. But what makes kids feel confident and competent is moving past frustration to success.

Think of it this way. Perhaps recently you bought a coffee table for your family room from IKEA. In the store the table looked pretty simple to put together; A few slabs of wood, some glass, a couple of screws and bolts...piece of cake!! Then you get the big brown box home, enthusiastically throw all the stuff on the floor, with the expectation you will have your beautiful table up and usable in an hour or so. 5 hours later, sweat pouring off your brow, swears emanating from your mouth, you kick the stupid wood, throw the screws against the wall, ready to "cry uncle". You get up, stomp around your house, curse IKEA and the directions that seem to be written for someone with a PHD in engineering, and then you get back down on the floor, and start again. And finally, because the only choice was to figure out how to put the damn table together, the table comes together, almost magically. And you stand up, puffed up with pride and look at your "baby". And every time a new person walks into your house, and they compliment you on your cool coffee table, you say proudly.. I put that table together. And honestly it feels as important to you as almost anything else you have accomplished in your life. And why is that? Is is because you persisted through your frustration, your feeling of incompetence and what felt like the impossible, to your ultimate success. It is a feeling you don't forget.

When you solve your teen's problems for them, even if they ask you too, when you give into their frustration because it feels unbearable to you, you take away the opportunity for them to have their IKEA moments. The ability to delay gratification, develop frustration tolerance, and figure it out,  is something that will follow them all the way through their life. Through relationships that go through hard times, to jobs that aren't working out the way they anticipated, money problems, housing issues, and their own ability to parent. An A in English will not be helpful in those situations. There is truly nothing more important to teach your teens than the ability to accept and deal with disappointment, that they can't have or do anything they want to have or do just because they want it, or that when something feels just too hard, that you will rescue them from their pain.

So the next time they come to you for help, start first with a "so what do YOU think you should do? The process will take a lot longer, but when you can say to your teen, I am really proud of you,I know that was really hard for you to do, but you stuck with it, and "just look at your table!"

parent/teen power struggles, teen conformity, the bad seed friend, rules, and more...

In lieu of writing about an issue today, you can hear me talk about many issues in a radio interview with Mr. Dad
http://www.mrdad.com/positive-parenting/a-survival-guide-to-parenting-teens/

Keeping Your Teen Drug and Alcohol Safe

I just found this fantastic site and I want to share it with you. Start by watching the story of a couple who loss their son due do alcohol. Then take the 15 minute course that provides you with all the information on the latest in Neuroscience and the teenage brain and how it responds to alcohol and drugs. There are also a number of FAQ that you will find really useful. What should I do if... kinds of questions. Watch it with your teen!
http://teen-safe.org

PS. I will be doing a book event at Chevalier's Books on Aug 10th @ 2 PM in Los Angeles
126 N. Larchmont Blvd. Between Beverly and 1st street.
If you are in the LA area or know anyone, please let them know.

Is My Teen Spoiled?

Before I start writing my blog each night, I always check my stats to see how many people are reading my blog, and how they find it. Thankfully, I get pretty specific information, and as I checked tonight I saw that someone had googled "how to handle a demanding spoiled teen" and my blog came up. I love that! Anyway, I thought that might be a good topic to write about.

Teens are by definition demanding, narcissistic, and spoiled. Why? Because they do literally think about themselves almost exclusively all the time. Their newly developed brain can be held somewhat responsible for this. As the teen brain grows, it allows teens to think in ways they have never thought before. For the first time teen's are spending hours and hours thinking about themselves and the people in their lives. Being introspective is like a drug. There is no right answer, and there are endless possibilities to explain their behavior and the behavior of their friends. If I do or say this, than maybe this could happen, but if I do that, than that could happen. They have become the center of their own universe, which is a major shift from when you their parents, were the center of their universe. And like all good narcissists, they only see the world in terms of how it affects them. So if you are late picking them up from school, and they had to hang around by themselves, because all their friends had already left, than you have perpetrated a heinous crime, even if the cause was traffic beyond your control, a meeting that went late, or a flat tire. Honestly, they have no sympathy, no empathy, just anger at you making them feel like a loser somehow for leaving them standing alone for someone to see what a loser they are.

The good news, is that this is temporary insanity, unless, and this is a big UNLESS you fall victim to their accusations.!  DO NOT feel that you have in any way screwed up because guess what...shit happens, and you are not to blame, and you do not have to accept blame and then feel that for some reason you have to make up for all your supposed inadequacies by giving into the insatiable demands your teen, in a narcissistic haze put on you. On the other hand, and equally important, is you don't have to lecture your teen ad nauseam about their lack of empathy etc etc. And here is the best tip I can offer in these situations when your teen accuses you of something you absolutely know is not true, and is a function of this acute case of me me me me. You simply look at them, give a little smile, a head tilt, and shoulder shrug. No more no less. Nothing you are going to say will be heard anyway. They won't be this way forever unless you reinforce the behavior with feeling and acting guilty.

Free at least, free at last.. No worries, your kids will eventually shed their self-centered skin and become the loving, caring, kind person you know to be in there!

The Obsession With Pretty

Just read this article today and feeling disturbed. It talks about girls who post pictures of themselves and then ask for feedback about whether people think they are pretty or ugly. UGH!!! This makes me so sad, I just feel that we are moving in the wrong direction here. First I hear about thigh gaps, and the need for teen girls to prove their skinniness with a gap between their thighs, and now this need to have either validation that yes you are hot, or no you look like sh**!! As you can imagine, these teens love being brutally honest. Well I wouldn't really even call it honest, since mean people are out there in cyberspace and like nothing more than to put people down, pretty or not.

Does your daughter constantly ask you: "Am I Pretty?" Rather than getting into a debate with her because of course you will because you will say:" of course you're pretty" And than she will say: " no I'm not, I'm fat, my knees are to fat, I don't like my nose, my hair, my anything!!" And basically she thinks you're lying because you can't be objective. But then, why did she ask you anyway!!!!

So next time when you're daughter asks you that very loaded "am I pretty?" question, try to take the conversation in another direction. You can use an I get it statement. " You know honey, I get that being pretty in other people's eyes is really important to you. And of course I think you're beautiful, and I know that won't really satisfy you. Tell me what you think being pretty means? Do you think if people think you're pretty they'll treat you differently than they treat you now. Do you think boys will treat you differently than they treat you now? Can you think of someone you don't think is pretty, but still has alot of confidence and people really like and respect her. Why do you think draws people to her if in fact you don't think she is pretty?"

Read this article with her, and see what she thinks. Try to help her see the big picture. I know it may be a losing battle, but give it a shot.

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/08/03/fashion/am-i-pretty-videos-posed-to-the-internet-raise-questions.html?hpw&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&version=HpHedThumbWell&module=well-region&region=bottom-well&WT.nav=bottom-well