Are You A Lecturer?

Are you a lecturer quiz?

1. Y N Do you feel like you absolutely know what is best for your teen?

2. Y N Do you regularly expound on this to your teen?

3. Y N When your teen comes to you with a problem in his/her life to you jump into problem solver mode?

4. Y N Do you find it hard to take questions from your "listening audience"

5. Y N Do you like to be right?

I am guessing that we all got 100% on this quiz. Only this 100% probably won't get you an applause and a congrats from your teen. Problem solving comes very naturally to parents. We see our kids making mistakes, we see our kids in pain, we see our kids about to do something that is unsafe and it feels natural to want to protect them from all of it. Unfortunately your teens do not want your protection, they actually want the opposite of your protection. Which is weird, because they come to their parents with their problems, and as soon we go to give them our worldly advice, they respond with a rejection and a "you never listen!" And that is the crux of the matter. Your teens come to you because you love them, and know them better than anyone else. Their fantasy is they will tell you something and you will just listen. That's it, just listen. Here is the miscommunication. You think that when they come to you, they want you to tell them what they should do. But really they just want you to listen, maybe show some empathy, "oh honey, that must be so hard, or I'm sorry that must be so frustrating." But instead they get a "here's what I think you should do....!" And their eyes go dark.

Giving your teen the gift of listening is maybe your greatest gift to them. Unless they actually say the words, what do you think I should do?Go for a good nod, a hug, and some words of comfort. They are probably doing the work of figuring it out, and just need someone to bounce the words off and reflect back. Don't we all? This work of figuring it all out is what gives them the confidence they will need as they move into adulthood. If you do that work for them, they will never be prepared for they future that most assuredly is ahead for them.

Yik Yak A Scary New App

Here I am talking about yet another new social networking app that is a potentially dangerous one for teens

http://www.myfoxboston.com/video?clipId=9914133&topVideoCatNo=238258&autoStart=true

IS YOUR TEEN BEING CYBERBULLIED? GREAT TIPS FROM PARENTING EXPERT MICHELE BORBA

1. Hesitant to be online or unexpectedly stops or avoids using the computer

2. Nervous when an Instant Message, text or Email appears (Watch your child’s response)

3. Visibly upset, angry, or depressed after using the computer or cell phone

4. Hides or clears the computer screen or cell when you enter or doesn’t want to talk about online activity

5. Starts using the computer when you’re not in the room (a change in pattern)

6. Keeps going back and forth to check screen in shorter spurts

7. Withdraws from friends, wants to avoid school or peer activities or uneasy about going outside in general, pulls away from family members

8. Suddenly sullen, evasive withdrawn, marked change in personality or behavior

9. Trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, excessively moody or crying, seems depressed

10. Suspicious phone calls, e-mails and packages arrives at your home

11. Possible drop in academic performance or falls behind in schoolwork

Another Reason To Limit Cell Phone Use

Here is an interesting study about college students and the effects of too much cell phone use. The short story; lower GPA's and anxiety.  This makes so much sense to me, distraction and obsession, put those two things together and you have a recipe for the college experience to be a disaster. I never really thought about cell phone use as an obsessive compulsive behavior, but truly it is. Think about it, people who have OCD have a ritualized behavior that is a coping mechanism for dealing with anxiety.  There is nothing more ritualized as the repeated hand twist checking for texts, over and over and over again, with barely a moment of rest, coping with the constant worry of missing something. If you are consumed with the worry that you might be missing something, than you never really experience the present. In college that means that sitting in class worrying more about the next text rather than the next quiz, or trying to study with one hand and one eye on the phone waiting for the next big news rather than both eyes focused on the "real text." There is still only one way to be successful in school, and that is the old fashion way, by being "present" during classtime and studying without distraction.

The anxiety issue to me is equally worrisome. The constant need to be checking in and connecting is an avoidance behavior for being alone with your own thoughts. The way to work through issues is to think about them. But if you keep yourself distracted from thinking and feeling, that there is no thinking through. The number of college students who self report being on medication for anxiety is astounding to me. This is not a good prognosis for coping with the increasing stress and responsibility for being an adult.

What can you do now to prepare your high school student for the college experience, get them into cellphone rehab now! Enforce a two hour no cellphone use a day, and no cellphones to bed. And model model model. Get off your phone!
http://psychcentral.com/news/2013/12/07/students-frequent-cell-phone-use-tied-to-lower-grades-higher-anxiety/62992.html

Another Sexting Teaching Moment

Last week, a news story broke about a "sexting ring" that had been discovered in a local high school. At first count, 10 students were involved, but there are expected to be many more than that once the investigation gets underway. A parent, monitoring their teen's phone came across a nude picture of a girl from the high school, that had been sent to this boy. The parent called the school and at least 10 cell phones were confiscated to see who else had been privy to this photo. Luckily the police in the community are not looking to press charges, although they absolutely could. Disseminating pornography is a serious offense, but they realize that prosecution would affect these teens lives forever, and helping them to understand how and why this is unhealthy and unsafe will have a much greater effect in helping these kids to "see the light."

It was so interesting listening to the kids from this high school being interviewed on the local news. They said things like: "yeh, everybody does it, they just got caught," and "it's embarrassing for our town, but all kids are doing it, they just got caught here." Sexting is more mainstream than most parents think. With apps like snap chat, snap video, and now even newer apps like telegram, wickr and confide, teens have multiple platforms to feed their impulsivity and hunger for attention and excitement.

Most of these sites promote the idea that anything sent through these apps lasts only a few moments and is automatically deleted. Although in theory this is true, any self-respecting and tech savvy teen knows that if you act quickly enough you can take a screen shot of these sexy photos and save it for posterity, or at least until you send the pic to 100 of your closest friends.

Girls are often motivated to send these naked photos, because their crush asked them too, or because a boy flatters a girl eager for attention with a "come on, send me a picture, you're so hot, and with a promise of "no one else will see it I promise." So the girl closes her bedroom door, gets naked and sends a selfie. Sometimes girls are harassed into sending a boy a naked picture because of threats from the boy. "If you don't send me a naked picture, I'll tell everyone you're a slut." This doesn't leave a girl with too many options.

Watch this video for some tips I give on talking to your teen about sexting.
http://www.myfoxboston.com/video?clipId=9903920&topVideoCatNo=238258&autoStart=true

The Power Of Role Modeling

Watch and then we'll talk:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/26/this-will-change-you-60-seconds_n_4787938.html?&ncid=tweetln

If you want your teen to learn to love reading, than sit down and read your own book

If you want your teen to stop being attached to their phones, stop being attached to yours

If you want your teen to share feelings about their life, start sharing feelings about your life

If you want your teen to feel that helping people and being committed to community service is an important part of life than go do some volunteer work and share your experience

If you want your teen to start talking and stop yelling, than you need to stop yelling and start talking

If you want you teen to be open minded, stop trying to always have the last word, and learn to listen better

If you don't want your teen to drink and drive, then you better not drink and drive, even that one beer when you go out with the family for pizza

You get the idea! And by the way, don't expect to see the fruits of all this modeling until they are done doing the adolescent job of separation. Right now they want to be anything but like you!! But take comfort, Look at who you are today, what you enjoy doing, and what your core values are. I'm guessing they bear a very close resemblance to those people you call your parents. It may take a few years, but you will totally rub off on your kids, at least some of you!

Too Much Texting

I keep hoping that my college students will think my class is so scintillating that doing the "lap dance", and by lap dance I mean texting and tweeting under their desk on their lap while I am killing myself trying to be the entertaining/educational professor that changes their life, could at least be on hold till after my 65 minute class. But alas, this has not happened, no matter how many times I remind them to put their phones away, not on your lap I cajole, in your backpack, under your desk, out of sight. Two minutes into class, turning back from writing on the board, I catch more than a several students, head down and fiddling with their phone. I GIVE UP!!!! If you don't want me writing about your kids two or three years down the line, you need to start doing something now!!!!!

Your kids will hate you, shout at you, be abusive, tell you that you are the worst parent ever. SO WHAT! Man/woman up!! Just say no! No texting/tweeting/instagraming (TTI) during meal times, no TTI during family occasions where ever and whenever. No TTI in bed, No TTI during home work time or during the 2 hour TTI abstaining time that is your family rule. Arguing, complaining, and being otherwise obnoxious should be met with a OK I guess it's time to switch out the smartphone, and get you an old fashion phone that just does texting and talking. You remember talking, that's what you use your mouth for!

Do I sound frustrated, and irritated. You bet I am. This is a WHOLLY preventative problem. Your teen will not set limits on themselves. Never gonna happen. Their impulsive brain is saying: "more please." They have already been shown the gateway to heaven, and the only way they will be turned away at the gates is if you do it. You don't have to get mad, or yell and scream. You just have to tell them this is the way you roll. You love them, and you see the bigger picture, that you completely understand that they can't see and don't want to see. But that is your job, and if they are pissed off at you, then that is the price you have to pay for being a good parent.

I know you can do it.

Stop, You're Embarrassing me!!!

I remember a conversation I had with a parent who was so annoyed with her 13 year old daughter. This teen was giving her mom strict orders on what to wear when she picked her up from soccer practice; "do not under any circumstances wear your matchy, matchy nylon sweatsuit outfit, and make sure you take a shower before you pick me up, do not come straight from the gym, and oh yeah, don't put on your stupid radio station, and don't ask anyone any questions!" As you can imagine, the mom was not a happy camper. Who exactly was doing who a favor here. Than of course there are the orders a parent receives from their teen about the expected behavior if a bunch kids are coming over on a weekend night" Do not come downstairs, do not ask any question, do no exist!!"

First of all do not do not do not take any of this dither personally. Though it feels very personal, it really is that teenage brain talking with a new understanding that other people are thinking things about them now. Not only are they being judged, but everyone connected to them are part of the judging package including even the beloved family dog. Once their most cherished companion, now, smelly, ugly, annoying, etc.

Relax, this new level of hyper self-consciousness is time limited. As they become more confident and comfortable with their new body and new brain, usually juniorish year in high school, they won't be nearly so judgemental. They'll be other things, but not that. This is not a character flaw of your teen, it is completely normal, just unbearable.

Rather than feel like you are being ordered around, and hence a set-up for a power struggle (read argument) "You don't tell me what to do!!" or you say with conviction "That really hurts my feelings" said with profound sadness. You need to have a different strategy. What you need to let you teens know is that they don't get to "tell" you what to do." You might say: " I get right now my style of dress, personality, the way I cook, they way I speak (fill in the blank) all feel embarrassing to you in front of your friends. And I get that causes you some worry. I will do the best I can not to make you feel worried and embarrassed. Letting me know what those things are is helpful, and I will be open to listening and doing what I can. But I won't respond to being ordered about. Just so you know" When your teens start with the ordering, you can always say: " Is there a question there you would like to ask?' This lets them know, that you might choose to accommodate, but you won't be ordered too.

Understanding and not judging this embarrassing stuff gives you some distance so as not to take this too personally. My mother was a constant embarrassment to me as a teen, I bet yours was too.