But Everybody Else Is Doing It/Has one!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c

This is two kinds of media blog today. Both this comic and this excerpt from a Louis CK appearance on David Letterman pretty much address this same issue, when your kids want to have or want to do what everyone has or does!

Sometimes it is completely OK to cave. I once coached a parent who had a no TV during the week rule. This was back a few years when the show "Greys Anatomy" was a new show. It seems that all the girls in this particular middle school were completely hooked on this show. Friday lunch talk after the Thursday night episode was these girls "water cooler" moment when they obsessively talked about "Mcdreamy" and all the other characters and their lives. This mom's daughter was completely out of the loop, and began to dread going to school on Fridays. ( I know this seems ridiculous, but being part of the group is about as important as it gets for middle-schoolers) This mom was holding firm in the no TV rule, and her daughter was furious. "How come it's OK with all the other parents but not with you?" And then came the TV is a distraction, stupid shows lecture. Which completely fell on deaf ears. I asked the mom, truly, what would be the big deal if her daughter watched this one show a week. If she could show that her homework was done, couldn't they make this an experience they could enjoy together. Mom thought about it, and realized that the good out weighed the bad, and caved.

So sometimes the bigger picture (this girl could feel a part of this group, and mom and daughter had a special night during the week when they shared something that was important to the the daughter.) These are conditions for a good cave.

But a bad cave, that's a different story. Are you being asked to allow your teen to do something you know is unsafe or unreasonable, and cave just because you don't like conflict, or you don't want your teen to be mad at you. This is an unhealthy cave. It gives your teen power and precedent. Not setting limits on cellphones and computers because your teen doesn't want you to is a bad cave. Allowing your teen to go somewhere that is unsupervised and potentially dangerous and unsafe is a bad cave.

Its important to know the difference!

Does Your Teenage Girl Covet A "thigh Gap"

What will teen girls think of next? A thigh gap, for people like me who had no idea what this could be, is an opening between one's thighs when they are squished together!  I guess when you are wearing tight jeans, and one stands with one's legs together, this mysterious thigh gap appears. For some reason, teen girls see this as a sign of skinniness which of course must mean prettiness!!! What a tortured life a teen girl lives these days. Can't you just see teen girls, changing for a gym class, standing around showing each other their "gaps?" And then off course for those girls with genetically imperfect thighs, now measured by a lack of gap, hide behind bathroom stall doors to change their clothes away from thigh prying eyes. I know this sounds beyond ridiculous, but  I'm guessing that for some girls this may trigger bouts of very restrictive dieting and exercise overload at the least, and anorexia at the worst.

Did you know that teen girls have invented the three types of prettiness. I wonder which "pretty" thigh gaps would fit into?

First we have "boy pretty." God do I totally get this one, cause I absolutely was not a "boy pretty" girl. This is the stunner, the hot girl, not necessarily classically beautiful, but has confidence in herself, her body and the way she puts it all out there. These are the girls that if they have it they flaunt it. I had a roommate in college who was definitely "boy pretty" She was tall, but not too tall, gorgeous smile, great posture, blond beautiful hair, knew how to put outfits together to her best advantage,and actually was very curvy, not skinny.  This woman walked into a room, and everyone, man, woman or child took notice.

Second we have "girl pretty." These are the girls who are really beautiful, but don't really know it. They aren't threatening because they still see themselves as just average. They downplay, may be  shy and completely unaware that they are beautiful. That's what makes them so alluring. Natural beauty, no confidence.

And finally we have "life pretty." This is most of us. These are the girls who, you know that when they get into their 20's will be in their prime, but as adolescents, it doesn't all fit together yet. The daughter of my friend, put herself in this category. So it sucks now, cause "life pretty" girls feel in a one down position. Maybe they are just too tall, or too short, or have not had the post puberty growth spurt and have the weight gain and wider hips that will all even out by the time they hit their 20's. They feel awkward and unattractive, and feel the lack of attention from the boys that the "girl and boy pretty" girls get without trying, whether they want it or not.

I was a "life pretty" girl. All my friends in middle and high school were boy/girl pretty. Hence I spent many Saturday nights alone, no prom dates, while my "pretty" friends all were with their boyfriends. It was tough, and I do remember feeling sad a lot of the time. But the good news is that when I hit my late teens, got away from my high school, developed an identity that was not governed by the fads and culture of the town I grew up in, I grew into a young woman with confidence, and maybe "OK pretty.

How we look as woman will always be important, that's just life. Your daughter has defined herself as some kind of pretty. Maybe she is confident and flaunts it, or maybe she is a bundle of self-consciousness, and constantly feels ugly; too fat, too thin, boobs too big, boobs too small, too tall, too short, kinky hair, hair that is too straight, mousy hair, too hairy, hates her nose, thinks her ears stick out too much, has bad skin. My daughter hated her knees! Go figure. There is not much you can do here except..accept. This is what she is feeling now, it won't be what she is feeling forever. Don't rebut everything she says about herself with a "but you are beautiful." She doesn't feel that way, and you're telling her that feels disingenuous to her.

She may show you how "unpretty" she feels by throwing her clothes around her room, especially those new $200 jeans you just bought her to "feel pretty", and now says she hates, and blames you for making her buy them. Don't pay attention to her actions, it's not about the clothes, it's how she is feeling inside. Don't argue with her, and tell her she is being ridiculous, or unappreciative, just go over to her, give her a hug, and say: " I get you're having a bad day, and feel like nothing looks good, I'm so sorry, how can I help?"  And then.... walk away from the room!!

http://commonhealth.wbur.org/2013/10/thigh-gap-reflections-on-teenage-girls-latest-obsession?utm_content=socialflow&utm_campaign=nprfacebook&utm_source=npr&utm_medium=facebook

Why Teens Lie?

A parent wrote me recently with this question. I'm guessing it will be a familiar quandary.

Lying.  My daughter has been taking some expensive classes each weekend and my husband and I just discovered that she's skipped 2 of them. She said she really hates the classes but of course we're still dealing with the deceit and her whereabouts for the time she was supposed to be in class.  Since the classes were expensive we were thinking about having her pay for anything she wants for the rest of the year (Senior Prom dress, AP exams, dance competition fees, new track cleats, it really goes on and on) and/or moving the date she takes her driving test to the summer since she has betrayed our trust.  My husband wants to come down really hard here to illustrate how hurt we are by her lying and how unacceptable lying is to us.  Do you have any thoughts?

Kids are funny, aren't they? They are in constant request and promise mode. If you will buy me/pay for me to/take me... I promise I will do xyz, pleeeese!!! I dont' know what class exactly this daughter was taking, but I am sure the motivation came from another friend, or a fantasy she had about what class would be like. Unfortunately, teens base many of their decisions on fantasy and emotion. They imagine that if they join this team, take this modeling class or specialized training program all sorts of amazing things will happen for them. What they aren't imagining or anticipating is that there will be actual work involved and required seriousness by the instructor/coach. Maybe her best friend was doing it and she wanted to make sure that she wasn't missing out on something. Turns out, it wasn't fun, wasn't what she expected, got in the way of other opportunities, take your pick, and now what? She knows that if she tells her parents whe wants to quit, she will have to hear about "quitters" and money, and commitment and so on and so on. And her parents will be right, and that is the worst for any teen... a parent that is right. So what does any self-respecting teen do in this situation..LIE

Ah, if only they could get away with it. And this girl did for at least two of the classes. I know the parents are worried about what their daughter was doing instead, I'm guessing not much, hiding out at a friends' probably. So what to do, what to do. First I would want to know why the avoidance to talk to  parents beforehand. Lying is an avoidance technique, and if your teen is lying to avoid you than he/she is either worried about disappointing you or worried that you will just get mad and not listen. 

It is really important to understand what motivated the lying. Are you scary? Do you go right to the angry place? If so, your teen has little motivation to be honest. Unfortunately what they don't get is that lying makes everything that much worse; the disappointment, and the anger. In the above situation, I would actually calculate the amount of $$ of the missed classes and deduct that from future spending on non-essentials. That is an objective, non-emotional, right to the point, consequence. 

But as important is a calm conversation about what got in the way of her just coming to her parents and saying she didn't like the class. Parents this is an important time to share ownership of the lying. By literally saying, "what could we do differently to make it easier for you to come to us, so that you wouldn't feel you had to lie instead." Decision making is not a teens strong suit. They are impulsive, emotional and persuasive. It is really hard for a parent not to get drawn into their enthusiasm. I think one way to counter this unrealistic enthusism is to have your teen take shared ownership of a decision. For example, the next time this girl asks her parents to do something like this, with a possibility that down the line the teen might change her mind, is to have them share financial responsibility from the get go. If she doesn't have money saved, then an agreement to work it off doing projects of your choosing. This way if things go south, your teen has an investment in making it work. 

As for lying, I know how frustrating and disappointing this can be. But this doesn't change the essence of who your teen is. They care alot about what you think, and rather than feel your disappointment they will go to great lengths to avoid it. It doesn't make them bad, or ungrateful, just part of the normal trajectory of teen behavior. You won't like it, and you need to absolutely address it, but look at it as a problem to be solved rather than a characterization of who your teen is. 

There are different kinds of lies. Lies of avoidance like this story and lies for getting away with doing something you will say no to, and lies of shame. Teens are extremely motivated to do what they want to do, and go where they want to go, without parental interference. Even the "good" kids. Providing motivation for truth-telling is your greatest weapon!

Here's How Your Teen Uses Social Networking

Here's a survey that was done last year on teen's use of social networking and  their feelings about their parents snooping. 43% of teens said that they would change what they were doing online, if they thought their parents were monitoring!!! That is significant. I think the subtext of that is that your teens really do need your help with this stuff. Read through this survey, it's some interesting stuff!

Teen Internet Use

93% of teens ages 12-17 go online

69% of teens have their own computer

63% of teen internet users go online every day

27% of teens use their phone to get online

24% of teens with a game console use it to go online

Teen Social Networking Use

73% of teens are on a social network

The average teen has 201 Facebook friends

37% send messages to friends every day

8% of American teens use Twitter

What Teens do on Facebook

86% of social network-using teens comment on a friend's wall

83% comment on friends' pictures

66% send private messages to friends

58% send IM or text messages using the site

52% send group messages

What Else Happens on Facebook

55% of teens have given out personal info to someone they don’t know, including photos and physical descriptions

29% of teens have posted mean info, embarrassing photos or spread rumors about someone

29% have been stalked or contacted by a stranger or someone they don’t know

24% have had private or embarrassing info made public without their permission

22% have been cyberpranked

Parental Concerns and Controls

88% of parents know that their teens typically use the internet to communicate with people they don’t know in the offline world

61% of parents’ #1 concern with teen social networking is sharing personal information online

60% of adults think parents should have full control over everything a child does online

47% of parents admit that ensuring their teens are safe online can be overwhelming

40% of parents worry about their teen’s social network safety when online, even at home

34% of parents check their child’s social network sites

What Kids Think About Facebook Parental Controls

67% of teenagers say they know how to hide what they do online from parents

43% of teens say they would change their online behavior if they knew that their parents were watching them

39% think their online activity is private from everyone, including parents

38% would feel offended if they found out their parents were spying on them with Facebook parental controls

25% would be shocked and hurt if they found out about spying

20% of kids think their parents have no idea what they’re doing online

18% have created a private email address or separate social networking profile

10% have unlocked parental controls to disable filtering

What To Do With A Messy Room

I think that the #1 complaint I hear from parents of teens is "My kid is such a slob!" Opening the door to your teen's room is like going down a black hole. Dirty laundry mixed with the clean, new (expensive) clothes stomped on, turned inside out, and looking unappreciated for the sacrifice you made in purchasing them. You thought it was too expensive, too short, too sexy, too much! You wonder how hard it could be to hang up their clothes, put their laundry away, bring the dirty glasses and plates into the kitchen, and generally live like the civilized human being you thought you have been raising.

 No matter what you suggest, no matter what you threaten (taking away the computer, the phone, their life) it all falls on deaf ears. You make deals, you cajole, you yell, and nothing seems to work. Every time you walk by that closed door, knowing what's inside, you get that pit in your stomach, and the veins in your neck stick out just a little more, and you feel helpless, and wonder how did it all come down to this. What happened to those days of yore, when all you had to do with your kid was ask, or threaten with no TV and the deed was done. Here is the disconnect: First, your kids could care less about their room. Their new developing brain is consumed with thoughts way more interesting, nerve-racking, anxiety producing, and exhilarating than the clothes on their floor. The idea may pop into their head, "Oh I'm supposed to clean my room", but it is fleeting, and a text, a face book post, or a great musical lyric that is pulsing through their IPOD distracts them.

First, take an honest look at their room. I visited a family recently where the room issue had become all consuming. When the dad opened the door to his son's room for an objective assessment, I was expecting the worst, but what I saw was a room that kinda looked like mine at home. Yes there were some clothes on various chairs and tables, and some shoes flung around, and the comforter was askew on the bed, but honestly, it wasn't that bad, and made me feel a little guilty about my own lack of neatness. (I ran home and cleaned my room) 

So first it is all about expectations. Are you a neat freak and want everyone to have the same standards you have for yourself? You may be setting yourself up for a fall. If though, the room really is over the top, crazy making chaos, then here are a few suggestions:  You can start a conversation with: "I get it, I know you are fine with the way your room is,  (try not to judge and be critical here) you and I have different standards, but it does make me crazy, can we figure something out so that we can both be ok? Maybe Sunday nights we do it together so at least the week can start out fresh." If your teen rejects that  approach,try this. " I get that keeping your room more organized is not that important to you, but it does make me crazy, so I just want to let you know that I will be coming in once a week to make sure that the ants, bedbugs, other crawling disgusting insects will be set free by ridding your room of trash, dirty laundry and food stuffs. 

Parents here is the thing about room cleaning, if it really bothers you, do it yourself!! This also makes you look good in your kids eyes since you won't be yelling at them anymore about it. You can now focus on other things to yell about, but the bigger payoff is that it gives you access to your kid's room. Just think that if the parents of the Columbine killers had spent a little more time in their kid's room they might have had a sense that something really bad was happening. Your kid's room holds a lot of clues to their mental health. Its not really just about being messy, but do you get a sense of depression, anxiety, chaos? That is way more important stuff than  the underwear on the floor. I worked with a parent once who made the leap to clean her son's room, and lying on the floor, out in full view was a poem he had written about his family. She sat down and cried. In this poem was a declaration and recognition of the love he had for his parents. In fact the poem was titled "I am from love I am from life" This mom and son had been at it for weeks over his room, his attitude, his everything, and here she  found this nugget of gold, that gave her new perspective on their relationship. Find a way to make the messy room work for you. Try to get them to take responsibility. If you are your teen's banker and chauffeur, you can always use these as bargaining tools. "I would love to give you a ride, as soon as you bring down your laundry or bring down the dishes caked with food" or "I would love to give you twenty bucks for going out with your friends as soon as you do X Y Z.  But if you see that their busy schedule, up at 6 am, work till 3, nap, shower, dinner, and out with friends bed truly doesn't allow much free time, especially to clean their room, than the gift of "I get it, you have a crazy schedule, you have a lot on your plate, I'll take care of this piece for you,"at least makes this power struggle go away. You are not giving in or giving up, but giving to!

The Way Teens Learn: Repetition, Repetition, Repetition

  Parents of teen lecture series:

• Don't drink and drive
• Don't text and drive
• Don't drink
• Don't do drugs
• Have safe sex
• Don't have sex at all
• If you don't do your homework, you will not be successful in life
• Part of being part of a family is sharing responsibility: Empty the dishwasher

Here's what I love about this comic, and that I hope you take away from it. All those lectures really do make a difference, just not when your teen is in your presence. People learn through repetition. When your child was young and you were teaching them about manners, think about how many times you said after you gave them something, or someone else did: " Honey what do you say to Mrs Mcgillcuddy?"And your little cutie pie would say: "Thank you Mrs Mcgillicuddy!" You might have gone through this 10 times a day, 365 days of the year for two or three years, until this response become automatic for your child when it was called upon.

Teaching your teen to be safe or responsible or motivated, is absolutely no different. You can't just give a drinking and driving lecture, or safe sex lecture once, and think you've done your job. Every time your teen leaves to be with friends, it should be with a "so what's your plan to stay safe tonight, or a reminder to not drink and drive, or text and drive. They need to hear those messages over and over and over again, so that your voice literally lives in their head, just like Jeremy's parents do in the above comic. 

Besides the reminders, you still need to help them come up for a strategy for safety. Just saying don't do something is not a strategy. You need to have both, the reminder, AND the strategy. 

What parent lectures do you still carry in your head from your parents??

Puberty Is Not Fun

Puberty can be devastatingly awful. It is a cruel twist of fate that just as a person is at the height of self-consciousness, their body turns on them. Perhaps your teen also has bad acne, or maybe your daughter is completely flat-chested or maybe buxom. Maybe your son is the shortest in his class, or maybe as a 5th grader he is the tallest and has facial hair to boot. Whatever it is, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you, it is a hugely big deal to them.

 David Elkind, the author of All Grown Up And No Place To Go  calls this "the lightening rod." I'm sure you had your own cross to bear when you think about yourself and your body during puberty. The problem for parents is that the way this plays out for your teen isn't always that obvious. They may not be walking around the house saying " I hate this or I hate that about my body." But what you get instead is the 2 minutes before they leave for school meltdown. " I have nothing to wear, you never buy me any clothes, I told you those jeans make me look fat, why did you let me buy them blues!

And because their ride is sitting in front of the house, or the bus is at the bus stop, you have your own meltdown, screaming at them that "they are ungrateful spoiled brats, having just spent $200 on clothes, or the dermatologist or you just did their laundry, if you would just put it all away" blues of your own! The truth of it is, it isn't about the jeans. It's that for some reason that morning they looked in the mirror and someone looked back that made them feel ill. It is really that simple. If you pay attention to their tantrum you will miss the real story.

So the next morning your teen throws a tantrum before school, or before a school dance or before they leave the house on a Friday night to hang out with friends, and you become the scapegoat for all that is wrong with their bodies, rather than getting sucked down the dark hole, just give them a hug, and say: 'I get your not feeling good about how you look tonight, is there anything I can do to help. " It won't make the acne go away, or the boobs shrink, or make them 6 feet tall, but at least someone "gets" that life just sucks sometime!