Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Quick Tip #2
Make a date with your teen to get coffee, get an ice-cream, get a manicure, go to a dinner and movie-mid-week, invite them to meet you at your office and then go for dinner somewhere new and different. In short,watch March madness at a sports bar,(they can get a soda) break the daily routine in some way to show your interest in spending some time with your teen. Many teens have never seen or even know what it is their parents do. That is always a great eye opener to see their parents in a new way.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Quick tip #1
A week of quick tips!
Today's quickie:
Find something that your teen has done over the last week that left you with some good feeling and share it with him or her. It might be relatively small, often its the littlest thank yous that have the biggest and most lasting impact!!!
Today's quickie:
Find something that your teen has done over the last week that left you with some good feeling and share it with him or her. It might be relatively small, often its the littlest thank yous that have the biggest and most lasting impact!!!
Friday, March 9, 2012
Do As I Say, Not As I do!
The Boston Globe did a really sweet article today called Dad, Can You Put Away The Laptop. Its seems that our younguns, and I mean the 4-10 year old set do not like this new fangled technology. Why? Because it seems mom and dad spend more time on their "stupid" phones and laptops, and not enough time playing with them. Now if I was one of those parents, I would feel such guilt and sadness that my kids felt ignored by me that I would immediately shut off my phone, close my laptop and give them my undivided attention. What was so interesting about the parents interviewed was that was absolutely not their response. Their responses were loaded with a good dose of rationalization. Hello defense mechanisms!!!! Here's is what one of them said: " If I didn't have a smart phone I wouldn't be able to do both. My kids can't really appreciate that if I spend 15 seconds (oh come on, you know its more than 15 seconds) to respond to an e-mail, than no ones' waiting for anything from me and I can be at the school play or concert." OK so what if someone is waiting for you. Unless you are on a suicide hotline, or a doctor saving a life, I honestly can't see how waiting till your kids are asleep to answer your e-mails will make much difference. But that's just me. Life is about setting limits. Modeling for your kids on how to set limits on yourself is an important life skill. Certainly work is important, but we work at home now, because we can. One 10 year old,who was sick and tired of having dinners with her family constantly being interrupted by parents who would "take a few bites of food and then open their phones finally told them: " You shouldn't always be on your phones because we barely get to see other. I only really see them in the morning when we're rushing to get to school and at dinner I felt kind of ignored!" Good for her!
Parents, you reap what you sow. You cannot have it both ways. You cannot constantly be on your phones and laptops, and then get mad at your teens for taking too long to get their homework done. Monkey see. monkey do! You are the most important model in your child's life. Whether its driving and talking on your phone, or being on your phone while at their games and concerts, or at a family dinner; or having a glass of wine at a family party, or at a restaurant out with your kids, and then getting behind the wheel of a car to drive, your kids are watching every little thing you do. And when it comes time for them to make these decisions for themselves that will ultimately affect their safety, you will be the model they look towards for common practice. "Why should I disconnect when you don't, they will argue, or "you drink and drive," or you talk/text and drive. And honestly, there is no retort that isn't completely hypocritical.
Showing your family that they are priority #1 is the most meaningful gift you could ever give them. Much cheaper than giving them IPhones. Have a technology free family time, that everyone commits to. Even though it feels like forever, you don't have your kids with you for that long. Make that time count!
Parents, you reap what you sow. You cannot have it both ways. You cannot constantly be on your phones and laptops, and then get mad at your teens for taking too long to get their homework done. Monkey see. monkey do! You are the most important model in your child's life. Whether its driving and talking on your phone, or being on your phone while at their games and concerts, or at a family dinner; or having a glass of wine at a family party, or at a restaurant out with your kids, and then getting behind the wheel of a car to drive, your kids are watching every little thing you do. And when it comes time for them to make these decisions for themselves that will ultimately affect their safety, you will be the model they look towards for common practice. "Why should I disconnect when you don't, they will argue, or "you drink and drive," or you talk/text and drive. And honestly, there is no retort that isn't completely hypocritical.
Showing your family that they are priority #1 is the most meaningful gift you could ever give them. Much cheaper than giving them IPhones. Have a technology free family time, that everyone commits to. Even though it feels like forever, you don't have your kids with you for that long. Make that time count!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Am I Ugly
Watch and then we'll talk.
This is not a new question teenage girls, and probably boys for that matter, ask. But in the old days, we just asked it of ourselves in the mirror. We would certainly have never put it to the test to ask our friends, or the random people that troll youtube. Maybe we would have asked our parents, cause we knew we would have gotten a resounding NO are you kidding you are the most handsome or beauteous in the world. In in that moment we might have even believed them.
How sad is it that these girls, feeling so needy for affirmation, put this out to the crazies who watch youtube. They hope against hope that someone will tell them that all their pubescent worries are for naught and that they are not the ugly, fat teen that they think they see in the mirror everyday.
I was having a conversation with my 28 year old daughter today, reminiscing about her 13 year old pleasantly plump, short not yet having her growth spurt, self. She talked about how uncomfortable she felt in her own skin back then, and how insecure she felt with her friends. But when she was doing what she loved and what she felt passionate about in those years, that self-loathing and self-conscious, needy side disappeared, and a confident, funny, open-hearted young girl emerged. We remarked how good it was that she had something so positive in her life that could counteract those sometimes unbearable feelings of early adolescence.
The theoretical term for that thing you do that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside is called self-efficacy. We all need something that we feel good at, especially during the early teen years when so much else feels not so good. Having a special skill or talent to feel proud of can fight against those feelings that those girls who post on youtube are experiencing. Helping your teen to find that area of specialness is crucial to maintain the self-esteem that is threatened on a daily basis.
Maybe you have a teen who hasn't found that specialness yet, and is hyper-focused on her/his physical self, and all the things they hate about themselves. Maybe they aren't the sports kid, or the music kid, or the theater kid, and you are stumped about what would make them feel good about themselves. I was working with a parent recently whose 12 year old fit this profile. I asked this mom, whose daughter is an only child of a single parent, whether her daughter liked playing with younger children, and she nodded her head, yes she does, she loves her little cousins. I suggested perhaps looking for a day care center kind of set-up where she might do this as a volunteer. Mom asked her daughter who was very enthusiastic about the idea. Mom checked out her local YMCA. They indeed had such a Saturday program for toddlers and did use volunteers. This 12 year old, somewhat shy insecure preteen, rose to the occasion, filling out a complicated application. She had to find references to vouch for her, and go on an interview. She jumped through every hoop, with enthusiasm, and felt such pride in her acceptance. It has been a wonderful lesson on "self-efficacy" and building self-esteem, not from how you look, but what you do!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Facebook Threats Will Be Taken Seriously
Yesterday two teen boys in a town outside of Boston were arrested after posting what seemed like a credible rant about going to the local high school, killing the "school cop" and "front desk" people and do a "columbine all over again." A facebook "friend" saw the this conversation on facebook and notified his school counselor at the high school. The boys were promptly arrested and held on $10,000 cash bail. If they are found guilty they can face 3-20 years in prison and fines up to $50,000. Putting up a rant on facebook is SERIOUS business.
When kids at this high school were interviewed about whether they thought these guys were indeed planning a killing spree, comments like: "they were just blowing off steam" or "they were just trying to look tough on facebook" abounded. Tell that to the friends and families of the students from the high school in Ohio that were killed several weeks ago!
This story is a must share with your teens for all of you whose kids are on facebook, which I'm guessing is 99.9999% of your kids. Kids love talking "sh*t on facebook. They use facebook as a performance space. Imaginary Audience, a term coined by psychologist David Elkind refers to the sense of hyper self-consciousness that teens feel. This drives so much of teen behavior. Sometimes it makes teens conform to whatever norms are prevalent in their community; carrying the backpack everyone else is carrying, wearing the same styles everyone else is wearing, listening to the same music, etc. It also drives much of the behavior you see on facebook and cell phones. If their friends are saying outrageous things on facebook, then they will try to "out outrageous" them. The audience awaits their "performance". Thank god, this conformity is short-lived. And as teens get older, develop their own sense of personal identity and confidence this posturing and need to "be like" evaporates. But it takes awhile, and as a parent of a teen you have got to understand how powerful this need to conform and "be like" is. You can not lecture them out of it, it is part of development, just think about your own teen years. But life in this century is scarier, and conforming is not just about clothes, and facebook and cell phones are very public. Teen posturing on the field behind the school with their friends is very different when it's on a computer for thousands of people to read. It might be taken at face value. Is a threat a threat, or a joke? That is the million dollar question. And given the number of school shootings, suicides, and bullying over the last few years, it's no joke!
Here is the conversation you NEED to have with your teen. First tell them about this story, and the consequences for these two boys, just "letting off steam" on facebook. " I get kids use facebook to be outrageous, but they often forget that once something goes on that page it is in the public domain, and even if you were only "fooling around" someone else might not read it that way. If you see something on facebook that crosses a line, I hope you will tell someone.You can do it anonymously if you want. But any threat could be a real one, and knowing that you could have done something and didn't is a lot of guilt you would live with. Posting something just cause it sound good without thinking it through can get you in alot of trouble. Just ask these boys who are facing 20 years in prison. Here are some guidelines I think will help you in the thinking through process."
Here are my four golden rules for using facebook. Go over them with your teens, and post them near your computer as reminders. Tell your teen they are as important as the rules you have to learn before you can get your learner's permit.
Can this post be misinterpreted by anyone?
Does this post intentionally hurt someone's feelings?
Does this post give out too much personal information?
Can any of the photos or videos posted come back and bite me in the a**?
When kids at this high school were interviewed about whether they thought these guys were indeed planning a killing spree, comments like: "they were just blowing off steam" or "they were just trying to look tough on facebook" abounded. Tell that to the friends and families of the students from the high school in Ohio that were killed several weeks ago!
This story is a must share with your teens for all of you whose kids are on facebook, which I'm guessing is 99.9999% of your kids. Kids love talking "sh*t on facebook. They use facebook as a performance space. Imaginary Audience, a term coined by psychologist David Elkind refers to the sense of hyper self-consciousness that teens feel. This drives so much of teen behavior. Sometimes it makes teens conform to whatever norms are prevalent in their community; carrying the backpack everyone else is carrying, wearing the same styles everyone else is wearing, listening to the same music, etc. It also drives much of the behavior you see on facebook and cell phones. If their friends are saying outrageous things on facebook, then they will try to "out outrageous" them. The audience awaits their "performance". Thank god, this conformity is short-lived. And as teens get older, develop their own sense of personal identity and confidence this posturing and need to "be like" evaporates. But it takes awhile, and as a parent of a teen you have got to understand how powerful this need to conform and "be like" is. You can not lecture them out of it, it is part of development, just think about your own teen years. But life in this century is scarier, and conforming is not just about clothes, and facebook and cell phones are very public. Teen posturing on the field behind the school with their friends is very different when it's on a computer for thousands of people to read. It might be taken at face value. Is a threat a threat, or a joke? That is the million dollar question. And given the number of school shootings, suicides, and bullying over the last few years, it's no joke!
Here is the conversation you NEED to have with your teen. First tell them about this story, and the consequences for these two boys, just "letting off steam" on facebook. " I get kids use facebook to be outrageous, but they often forget that once something goes on that page it is in the public domain, and even if you were only "fooling around" someone else might not read it that way. If you see something on facebook that crosses a line, I hope you will tell someone.You can do it anonymously if you want. But any threat could be a real one, and knowing that you could have done something and didn't is a lot of guilt you would live with. Posting something just cause it sound good without thinking it through can get you in alot of trouble. Just ask these boys who are facing 20 years in prison. Here are some guidelines I think will help you in the thinking through process."
Here are my four golden rules for using facebook. Go over them with your teens, and post them near your computer as reminders. Tell your teen they are as important as the rules you have to learn before you can get your learner's permit.
Can this post be misinterpreted by anyone?
Does this post intentionally hurt someone's feelings?
Does this post give out too much personal information?
Can any of the photos or videos posted come back and bite me in the a**?
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
The Middle School Bullying Problem
I finished a touching, emotionally wrenching book this weekend called The Grief of others by Leah Hager Cohen. The story revolves around a family where each member feeling isolated in their own lives, struggle with feelings of loss, self-esteem and connection. One of the characters is a 12 year old seventh grade boy. The transition from elementary to middle school has been agonizing for him. Here is his assessment after a walk home that was marred by two boys from his school who taunt him for being "fat" and for "blushing" when they try to embarrass him. 'Paul' feels completely inept in dealing with these boys, allowing them to make him feel worthless, ugly and fat.
Here is Paul. " it has been this way more or less for almost the past two years. He had no idea why. He'd been liked well enough in elementary school. Of course it hadn't helped that his best friend Alexi had moved to Florida at the end of fifth grade. But it wasn't as if Alexi had been his only friend. In fifth grade fifteen kids had attended his birthday party. By the following autumn most of these same kids, if they did not actually abuse him outright, would greet him in the hallways, abstractedly if at all. And not one rose to his defense when other kids, those who had never been his friends, targeted him with their teasing."
Paul, like many middle school kids is stuck in the middle of puberty. His acne is pronounced, he has "chubbed" out as his tormentors never let him forget, and he is awkward around those kids who have magically become so much more adept at talking and hanging with each other. In short he is a magnet for bullying. Self consciousness, shyness, passivity and awkwardness are no weapons when it comes to savy, confident young teens who love the power of making someone feel less than.
Not only was Paul's everyday life at school torture, but he was so humiliated by his lack of action that he never shared his blight with adults who could support or help. And adults, caught up in their own lives only became aware when an act of physical aggression occurred. Though Paul's easy going nature changed to sullen, his parents chalked it up to becoming a teen, and too engaged in their own hardships just weren't paying attention.
Perhaps you have a 6th or 7th grader whose life has similarly changed since heading into the jungle of middle school. Maybe puberty has been unkind, and weight gain, lack of height, and acne has turned your once carefree child into a young teen who hides under big sweatshirts, hats, hair, and bowed head and silence. Perhaps he or she has been made fun during gym class for running to slow, or eating too much during lunch in the cafeteria, or who knows what, and has absolutely no idea what to say or do when it happens. Like Paul, they are literally at a loss of words. And unfortunately saying nothing is worse than saying something, at least to a bully. It is an opening for more!
So if you see some change in your young teen. From happy and carefree to notably quiet, and isolating, and as you objectively look at your teen can you see that the changes of puberty have not been kind to your son/daughter, don't wait for them to come to you. They probably won't, much too embarrassing to tell your mom and dad kids are picking on you. They want to be able to handle it, not run to mom and dad, even though you might be able to support and help them.
Here is an "I get it" moment maybe while walking the dog, taking a ride in the car, not sitting face to face. "You know honey, I've noticed you don't seem as happy as you used to be. I get it's been a tough year, changing schools can really be a pain. I remember when I went to middle school, kids that used to be my friends, found other friends, and left me kind of out of it. And forget about how I looked, that's a whole other story. How about you, I've noticed you don't hang with X and X anymore. Have they moved on to some new friends? I know your skin has been a problem for you, is there anything you are really hating these days about yourself, cause that's totally normal. Have other kids been giving you a hard time, I know that happens alot in middle school. You know I can help you with that, maybe help you come up with things to say back to kids that makes you feel as strong as they are. I am always here to help you know, middle school can be torture, I know cause I've been there. "
And then just leave it there. Don't ask a thousand questions. You have opened the door, to let them know you are aware of a change, and you are there to support them, not solve their problems, but give them help in solving their own problems. Middle school can suck big time!!!
Here is Paul. " it has been this way more or less for almost the past two years. He had no idea why. He'd been liked well enough in elementary school. Of course it hadn't helped that his best friend Alexi had moved to Florida at the end of fifth grade. But it wasn't as if Alexi had been his only friend. In fifth grade fifteen kids had attended his birthday party. By the following autumn most of these same kids, if they did not actually abuse him outright, would greet him in the hallways, abstractedly if at all. And not one rose to his defense when other kids, those who had never been his friends, targeted him with their teasing."
Paul, like many middle school kids is stuck in the middle of puberty. His acne is pronounced, he has "chubbed" out as his tormentors never let him forget, and he is awkward around those kids who have magically become so much more adept at talking and hanging with each other. In short he is a magnet for bullying. Self consciousness, shyness, passivity and awkwardness are no weapons when it comes to savy, confident young teens who love the power of making someone feel less than.
Not only was Paul's everyday life at school torture, but he was so humiliated by his lack of action that he never shared his blight with adults who could support or help. And adults, caught up in their own lives only became aware when an act of physical aggression occurred. Though Paul's easy going nature changed to sullen, his parents chalked it up to becoming a teen, and too engaged in their own hardships just weren't paying attention.
Perhaps you have a 6th or 7th grader whose life has similarly changed since heading into the jungle of middle school. Maybe puberty has been unkind, and weight gain, lack of height, and acne has turned your once carefree child into a young teen who hides under big sweatshirts, hats, hair, and bowed head and silence. Perhaps he or she has been made fun during gym class for running to slow, or eating too much during lunch in the cafeteria, or who knows what, and has absolutely no idea what to say or do when it happens. Like Paul, they are literally at a loss of words. And unfortunately saying nothing is worse than saying something, at least to a bully. It is an opening for more!
So if you see some change in your young teen. From happy and carefree to notably quiet, and isolating, and as you objectively look at your teen can you see that the changes of puberty have not been kind to your son/daughter, don't wait for them to come to you. They probably won't, much too embarrassing to tell your mom and dad kids are picking on you. They want to be able to handle it, not run to mom and dad, even though you might be able to support and help them.
Here is an "I get it" moment maybe while walking the dog, taking a ride in the car, not sitting face to face. "You know honey, I've noticed you don't seem as happy as you used to be. I get it's been a tough year, changing schools can really be a pain. I remember when I went to middle school, kids that used to be my friends, found other friends, and left me kind of out of it. And forget about how I looked, that's a whole other story. How about you, I've noticed you don't hang with X and X anymore. Have they moved on to some new friends? I know your skin has been a problem for you, is there anything you are really hating these days about yourself, cause that's totally normal. Have other kids been giving you a hard time, I know that happens alot in middle school. You know I can help you with that, maybe help you come up with things to say back to kids that makes you feel as strong as they are. I am always here to help you know, middle school can be torture, I know cause I've been there. "
And then just leave it there. Don't ask a thousand questions. You have opened the door, to let them know you are aware of a change, and you are there to support them, not solve their problems, but give them help in solving their own problems. Middle school can suck big time!!!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
All You Need Is Love
I heard a lovely story on the Today show this morning about James Hundly, a 63 year old African American postal carrier. James has made his mark with all the people on his route with his gift for gab and for his generosity of spirit. He is a positive, friendly, all around good guy that people look forward to seeing every day during his postal deliveries. So why is this so unusual? It seems that James grew up in the 1960's in Mississippi during the civil rights movement. As a young man he joined the civil rights marches, believing in the rights of equality. Though the marchers were non-violent, they were met all along the way with hate filled voices. They were spit on, had rocks thrown at them, and were fired on by guns as the passed from town to town. But the marchers never retaliated. Now I don't know about you, but being treated like that could change a person, make them bitter and angry, and see themselves as being victims and helpless. But not James, he did not want to turn into a hater, and listened to the words of his parents. Love is the strongest force in the world in the face of hate. And when you treat people with dignity, respect and love, then that's what you will get back. And for the last 40 years he has practiced just that. And he has a fan club to prove it.
I am sure as a parent you have had moments when your teen has treated you with a lack of respect. Perhaps they have screamed at you with venomous anger, or sarcasm, or even worse, given you the silent treatment. Most of us, feeling disrespected, and hurt lash out in return. Perhaps it's a lecture "you can not treat me this way", or maybe a punishment, "well if you are going to treat me this way, see how you'll like it when I take away your phone, your computer, your life!" Read yesterday's blog and see how far that dad got with that!
Listening to this story about James, I wonder what would happen if the next time your teen treats you disrespectfully, you show love, rather than hate. " I love you honey, no matter what you say, I hope we can work this out." and than walk away. When James and his fellow marchers were called names, and spit on, they too could have retaliated with anger, and fists, but did not. They looked their abusers in the face with respect. Pretty amazing! It made the other guy look pretty foolish. Food for thought!
I am sure as a parent you have had moments when your teen has treated you with a lack of respect. Perhaps they have screamed at you with venomous anger, or sarcasm, or even worse, given you the silent treatment. Most of us, feeling disrespected, and hurt lash out in return. Perhaps it's a lecture "you can not treat me this way", or maybe a punishment, "well if you are going to treat me this way, see how you'll like it when I take away your phone, your computer, your life!" Read yesterday's blog and see how far that dad got with that!
Listening to this story about James, I wonder what would happen if the next time your teen treats you disrespectfully, you show love, rather than hate. " I love you honey, no matter what you say, I hope we can work this out." and than walk away. When James and his fellow marchers were called names, and spit on, they too could have retaliated with anger, and fists, but did not. They looked their abusers in the face with respect. Pretty amazing! It made the other guy look pretty foolish. Food for thought!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)