Why does your assertive, unique, confident eleven year old suddenly turn into a clone of all the other eleven year olds in their class, in your town, in the world? After all, you have worked so hard lo these last eleven years to teach your child to think for themselves, not care what anyone else thinks, and encourage them to wear/do/read/play/act ways that feel true. And guess what? They follow your advice....until they turned 11 or 12 or 13, then they don't! When they ask to buy an article of clothing, or go to a movie you don't approve of, or want to listen to music that you know is only because "all the other kids are listening to it, " you preach the "be yourself" sermon, which in the past has worked like a charm. But suddenly you get "you just don't understand." You feel rejected, and for the first time feel worried that all the values you have worked so hard to develop in your child have vanished in the blink of an IPHONE.
First let me say...STOP WORRYING!! All those values you have been promoting and modeling have not disappeared, just gone into hibernation for the next 5-7 years. I promise, they are all still there and when they get on the other side of adolescence, and they have had a chance to choose to make them part of who they are, you will be brimming with pride. Choose here is the operative word. Up until this point in their young life they have relied on you to orchestrate their life. You have been their #1, and they have counted on you to watch their back. Now they are literally biologically driven to watch their own back. Their new brain is showing them ALL the possibilities of life, not just the ones YOU choose to share with them. Part of raising a teen is trusting that you have already done a wonderful job, and now it's their time to experience the world as they see it. Think of it like a buffet table. In the past you chose their foods for them, knowing what you think they would like, and not wanting to waste any food. Now, they walk down the buffet line and maybe see the sushi and say: " hey, this looks cool, how come you never let me eat this."And off they go, trying new foods you never dreamed they would like.
So seeing all the possibilities of life is one part of what's driving this change in personality. The other part is the hyper sense of self-consciousness that is ever present especially in early adolescence. There is a constant worry that everyone is looking at them, and judging them. And if they don't wear the right clothes, have the same phone, listen to the same music, talk the same talk, then everyone, and I mean everyone will think they are completely and utterly uncool. This is where the clone-like behavior comes in. Its not about values, and I know it drives you crazy that they are making choices based on what other people think of them. But relax, it is only a moment in time. It is not a character flaw in your child, it is developmentally normal! This new brain of theirs is just realizing that other people think things about them, and feel that if they look/feel/ and think like their peers that all their flaws will be invisible. As they begin to develop a sense of their own identity (when they have traveled down the buffet enough times and tried it all before settling on some favorites), they will have renewed confidence.Come on, I know you drank the kool aid too when you were their age!
But beware, if you take the high road here, and continue to preach the sermon, your teen will feel judged/ criticized and never quite good enough for you. This doesn't mean that you don't have a say, it just means you have to take a circular route to get there, if you want to maintain the relationship you have taken the time to build. So when your tween comes to you with a request that you know is cause "all the other kids..." Here is what you can do. If it is unsafe, or truly inappropriate (like getting a smartphone..don't get me started on this one) you can use this "I get it moment": I get how important this is to you, and I know all your friends have it. And I know that not having it, will make you feel different from your friends, and I am really sorry about that, I know how that feels, but it just isn't safe and I am willing to take the heat from you to make sure you are safe.
So relax, all is not lost cause they want to look like every other kid on the block. You know they're special and unique and that is all that matters.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Whose Job Is It?
It's Zits comic time again:
JEREMY: (at his computer, talking to his mom) "I'm supposed to edit this 15 minute power point presentation down to 5 minutes by tomorrow.
MOM: (kissing Jeremy's forehead) Poor Baby
JEREMY: That's it? You're not offering to do it for me???
OK, I admit it when my daughter was in first grade I got a "smiley face" on her Social Studies diorama. But as hard as it was, and even after listening to ear-splitting tantrums and swear laced language voicing hatred at the teacher that assigned some stupid project, I too gave her the kiss on the forehead and a "poor baby, " and left her alone to do her thing, be the outcome good or bad, it would be her outcome.
I was talking to a friend the other day who was telling me about a family she knew where the Dad basically wrote all his teen's papers. And he did quite well on them. Fast forward to his daughter as a college student. Thank the computer gods, because the dad was still in business. And yes, Grad School applications, yup, Dad again. And now as a Grad student she is finally on her own, and guess what, she is lost. What a surprise! Maybe the Dad's goal was to get her into a good college, check! Get her into a good grad school, check! But writing about her graduate practicum, research papers, and exams, he is of no use now, and the daughter is in a panic, completely unprepared for the hard work it takes to do something "all by yourself." This dad did his daughter no favors.
In the extremely competitive world we live in, its hard not to want to protect your kids from stress, and want to give them "the edge" over other smart and talented teens. But developing skills in frustration tolerance and sticking with something until you finish is a very important life lesson. These skills not only translate to academic pursuits, but friendships, careers, and even to marriage. When you teach them that someone else can and will 'fix it" when something is too hard or stressful, you communicate that quitting is good. What they take that philosophy into life with them it can go like this: I don't like this job, I'll just quit and get another one, and if I don't like that one, I'll quit it too. Or, this relationship is too hard, I don't feel like working through the hard stuff, I think I'll just get a divorce and get another marriage, and so on. The buck will finally hit when they have kids of their own. Not so easy to quit your kids!
Be there for them, acknowledge their frustration, help them to develop a strategy, but don't do it for them. If you are looking for your kid to reflect your glory, go find another mirror!
JEREMY: (at his computer, talking to his mom) "I'm supposed to edit this 15 minute power point presentation down to 5 minutes by tomorrow.
MOM: (kissing Jeremy's forehead) Poor Baby
JEREMY: That's it? You're not offering to do it for me???
OK, I admit it when my daughter was in first grade I got a "smiley face" on her Social Studies diorama. But as hard as it was, and even after listening to ear-splitting tantrums and swear laced language voicing hatred at the teacher that assigned some stupid project, I too gave her the kiss on the forehead and a "poor baby, " and left her alone to do her thing, be the outcome good or bad, it would be her outcome.
I was talking to a friend the other day who was telling me about a family she knew where the Dad basically wrote all his teen's papers. And he did quite well on them. Fast forward to his daughter as a college student. Thank the computer gods, because the dad was still in business. And yes, Grad School applications, yup, Dad again. And now as a Grad student she is finally on her own, and guess what, she is lost. What a surprise! Maybe the Dad's goal was to get her into a good college, check! Get her into a good grad school, check! But writing about her graduate practicum, research papers, and exams, he is of no use now, and the daughter is in a panic, completely unprepared for the hard work it takes to do something "all by yourself." This dad did his daughter no favors.
In the extremely competitive world we live in, its hard not to want to protect your kids from stress, and want to give them "the edge" over other smart and talented teens. But developing skills in frustration tolerance and sticking with something until you finish is a very important life lesson. These skills not only translate to academic pursuits, but friendships, careers, and even to marriage. When you teach them that someone else can and will 'fix it" when something is too hard or stressful, you communicate that quitting is good. What they take that philosophy into life with them it can go like this: I don't like this job, I'll just quit and get another one, and if I don't like that one, I'll quit it too. Or, this relationship is too hard, I don't feel like working through the hard stuff, I think I'll just get a divorce and get another marriage, and so on. The buck will finally hit when they have kids of their own. Not so easy to quit your kids!
Be there for them, acknowledge their frustration, help them to develop a strategy, but don't do it for them. If you are looking for your kid to reflect your glory, go find another mirror!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Breaking Up Is Really Really Hard To Do!
On Saturday I was at a birthday lunch for my oldest friend with 5 other women. I had known her the longest, since we were 13, so I thought it would be fun to do a little of "this is your life". One of the areas I covered was her old boyfriends, and there were many, eight starting from her first boyfriend in 7th grade, JL. But it was her 9th grade boyfriend that caused the biggest stir for her as she recounted the "break-up". AB was her first serious, starry eyed, thought about him 24 hours a day kind of boyfriend. It was a "long-distance" relationship. He lived several towns away not easily reached by the T. Though only miles apart, it felt like cross-country. They spent hours talking, yes talking, on the phone each night, and had their parents drive them to visit and go out for a Saturday night date. It was love, pure and simple. but as teen romances go, she got "the dear M letter" in the mail. I remember getting the call from her, barely being able to understand her she was sobbing so hard.
As my friend reminisced about this time in her life, she recalled feeling like she wanted to die. The pain, she said was so acute she couldn't imagine it ever going away. As girls do, we spent hours, and I mean hours and hours rereading this letter, and every other letter he had ever written her, pulled apart conversations they had had, and tried to figure where it had all gone wrong. Of course, being adults with perspective and experience, we now know that nothing really went wrong, it was just inexplicably time for him to move on. But for a 15 year old girl, experiencing her first real feelings of love, there was no solace, just pain.
M's mom is a wonderful, caring and sensitive person. But with two other teens at the time, she just wanted M to get over it already and move on. Her mom was tired of the tears, the hours of phone time logged in with her friends giving her support, and longed for her chirpy, carefree daughter back. So my friend just stopped telling her anything. And that set the stage for the remainder of her adolescence.
Fast forward to 2012. Break up letters now turn into break-up texts, and hurt and angry spurned boy/girlfriends turn to facebook for pay back. Imagine dealing with the torturous pain and loss of a break up and then add to that some very public, very humiliating facebook post about your ex-relationship. Today, breaking up for teens is a two tiered process. It's not just dealing with the emotional piece, it's the public piece as well. In the olden days, an ex could be dealt with by telling your brother/sister mom or dad to say you weren't home, or you couldn't come to the phone when the ex called, at least providing you with some protected time to try to get over it. These days, you get broken up with or break up with someone, you can be getting or sending a barrage of text messages, or have to view terrible things being said about you on facebook by your ex to "get back" at you for breaking up.
This prolongs the ending of a relationship, and because teens love the drama, "getting in" on the break-up feels like living an episode of the Kardasians. When your teen is faced with this situation it can try a parents patience. Perhaps you are secretly glad since this was not the boy/girlfriend of your dreams. Thinking that you are providing comfort, you might make the mistake of bad-mouthing the ex and do a little "see I told you so." Please refrain. Your teen needs your support, your empathy, but not your opinion or advice. except when they ask for it. Remember that your teen may be experiencing this type of pain for the first time in their life. No life experience to draw on, no idea that indeed it will get better. Don't set yourself up to be shut-out! Romance is not like it was in the good ole days, it is wayyyyyy more complicated.
As my friend reminisced about this time in her life, she recalled feeling like she wanted to die. The pain, she said was so acute she couldn't imagine it ever going away. As girls do, we spent hours, and I mean hours and hours rereading this letter, and every other letter he had ever written her, pulled apart conversations they had had, and tried to figure where it had all gone wrong. Of course, being adults with perspective and experience, we now know that nothing really went wrong, it was just inexplicably time for him to move on. But for a 15 year old girl, experiencing her first real feelings of love, there was no solace, just pain.
M's mom is a wonderful, caring and sensitive person. But with two other teens at the time, she just wanted M to get over it already and move on. Her mom was tired of the tears, the hours of phone time logged in with her friends giving her support, and longed for her chirpy, carefree daughter back. So my friend just stopped telling her anything. And that set the stage for the remainder of her adolescence.
Fast forward to 2012. Break up letters now turn into break-up texts, and hurt and angry spurned boy/girlfriends turn to facebook for pay back. Imagine dealing with the torturous pain and loss of a break up and then add to that some very public, very humiliating facebook post about your ex-relationship. Today, breaking up for teens is a two tiered process. It's not just dealing with the emotional piece, it's the public piece as well. In the olden days, an ex could be dealt with by telling your brother/sister mom or dad to say you weren't home, or you couldn't come to the phone when the ex called, at least providing you with some protected time to try to get over it. These days, you get broken up with or break up with someone, you can be getting or sending a barrage of text messages, or have to view terrible things being said about you on facebook by your ex to "get back" at you for breaking up.
This prolongs the ending of a relationship, and because teens love the drama, "getting in" on the break-up feels like living an episode of the Kardasians. When your teen is faced with this situation it can try a parents patience. Perhaps you are secretly glad since this was not the boy/girlfriend of your dreams. Thinking that you are providing comfort, you might make the mistake of bad-mouthing the ex and do a little "see I told you so." Please refrain. Your teen needs your support, your empathy, but not your opinion or advice. except when they ask for it. Remember that your teen may be experiencing this type of pain for the first time in their life. No life experience to draw on, no idea that indeed it will get better. Don't set yourself up to be shut-out! Romance is not like it was in the good ole days, it is wayyyyyy more complicated.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Is My Teen A Reflection Of Me?
Ripped from the headlines. Boston Globe 1/6/12 B14 NAMES page:
OCHO GROUNDS HIS DAUGHTER-VIA TWITTER
"Is there nothing Chad Ochocinco won't tweet. Yesterday, the Pats receiver felt compelled to reveal that his daughter had been sent home from school for disciplinary reasons."My daughter was just suspended from school this morning for a day for a slick comment, I don't think is worthy of a suspension. You decide. Teacher:Why are you late? My daughter:Why does it matter? You still get paid right?" Ocho continues with tweet: "This is detention worthy not suspension." Ocho then tweets his daughter: "I've no idea where you got your sense of humor n slick remarks but you never undermine authority especially teachers dammit!" Her response? "Daddy, I get it from you so chill please!" Ocho responds: OK that comment just cost you, you're grounded until further notice."
Ocho has 3 million twitter followers, his daughter has over 10,250. Talk about airing your family's dirty laundry in public! Just to compare, Joani has 0 twitter followers. And if this isn't a cautionary tale about public discourse, I don't know what is.
Oh where to start. So much to discuss, but since the average family is not dealing with twitter family drama, I will only discuss a teaching moment that stands out for me as the moment of truth. When dad berates daughter's lack of respect for authority and can't imagine where she learned such a thing, her response is YOU!!
This is a look in the mirror moment. Is there some behavior that your child exhibits that is achingly familiar? Many times it's the good aspects of our personality that our kids mirror like kindness and generosity, a love for your sport, or your music or your passions that they share with you. But often it is the less stellar parts of our persona that stand-out. Are you argumentative, judgemental, have a temper, a control freak, or perhaps you are shut-down emotionally, or somewhat passive about change, or keep yourself removed from all family drama, and then wonder why your teen never leaves their room.
In the Intro to Psychology class I teach to college students, we discuss personality development through different theorist's eyes, one being Alfred Bandura's Role Modeling Theory. Basically he says that the influencers in our children's lives provide a model for behavior. See story above! All of my students cite their parents as their main influence for how they deal with emotion and relationships. If I were you, I would read this little tweet interaction to your teen, and then ask them what part of their personality do they think they got from you. What a fun family dinner that would be!
PS. I have no idea who this Ocho guy is!
OCHO GROUNDS HIS DAUGHTER-VIA TWITTER
"Is there nothing Chad Ochocinco won't tweet. Yesterday, the Pats receiver felt compelled to reveal that his daughter had been sent home from school for disciplinary reasons."My daughter was just suspended from school this morning for a day for a slick comment, I don't think is worthy of a suspension. You decide. Teacher:Why are you late? My daughter:Why does it matter? You still get paid right?" Ocho continues with tweet: "This is detention worthy not suspension." Ocho then tweets his daughter: "I've no idea where you got your sense of humor n slick remarks but you never undermine authority especially teachers dammit!" Her response? "Daddy, I get it from you so chill please!" Ocho responds: OK that comment just cost you, you're grounded until further notice."
Ocho has 3 million twitter followers, his daughter has over 10,250. Talk about airing your family's dirty laundry in public! Just to compare, Joani has 0 twitter followers. And if this isn't a cautionary tale about public discourse, I don't know what is.
Oh where to start. So much to discuss, but since the average family is not dealing with twitter family drama, I will only discuss a teaching moment that stands out for me as the moment of truth. When dad berates daughter's lack of respect for authority and can't imagine where she learned such a thing, her response is YOU!!
This is a look in the mirror moment. Is there some behavior that your child exhibits that is achingly familiar? Many times it's the good aspects of our personality that our kids mirror like kindness and generosity, a love for your sport, or your music or your passions that they share with you. But often it is the less stellar parts of our persona that stand-out. Are you argumentative, judgemental, have a temper, a control freak, or perhaps you are shut-down emotionally, or somewhat passive about change, or keep yourself removed from all family drama, and then wonder why your teen never leaves their room.
In the Intro to Psychology class I teach to college students, we discuss personality development through different theorist's eyes, one being Alfred Bandura's Role Modeling Theory. Basically he says that the influencers in our children's lives provide a model for behavior. See story above! All of my students cite their parents as their main influence for how they deal with emotion and relationships. If I were you, I would read this little tweet interaction to your teen, and then ask them what part of their personality do they think they got from you. What a fun family dinner that would be!
PS. I have no idea who this Ocho guy is!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Pah-leeese.. no lecture!
A great Zits comic:
Jeremy: My history teacher is ridiculous. He expects us to remember all this random stuff from a long time ago! Why can't he just teach us history like he' supposed to?
Mom: But isn't-
Jeremy: Don't question my logic, mom. Just say "Poor baby!"
I love this "conversation"! I am sure this takes place in your household at least once a day. Your teen says something provocative, narcissistic, naive, unrealistic... and thinking that you need to "set them straight" you respond with a lecture about why what they have said is narcissistic, naive, unrealistic....I worked with a couple recently who were getting hooked into these conversations so regularly that their relationship with their son was going down the toilet. They were frustrated with his inability to be realistic, and he was frustrated with their inability to understand him. The son would regularly pronounce plans about what he would do "when her grew up", or taunt his parents political views or accuse them of being hypocrites about their lifestyle. This teen is 15 year old. Honestly I don't remember exactly what it was he wanted to do, but it was of the following variety :
Teen: I want to be a rock star!
Parent: How can you be a rock star if you don't play the guitar, can't sing, and hate to practice or put time into anything?
Teen: Details, details.
Adolescence is all about fantasy. It is about now seeing the possibilities of life. It is all about idealism, and unrealistic expectations. For the first time in their lives they are thinking with a new brain that literally floods them with endless thoughts, ideas, and plans, most of which will be naturally discarded as they experience life. They actually don't need your "realism" cause truly they will find out for themselves from living life, experiencing disappointment and disillusionment when real life does not imitate their fantasy life. In some ways teens are playing the "dress-up" games of early childhood. They are metaphorically trying on those cowboy or princess costumes. They eventually outgrow the "game", and get on with life. You don't need to be worried or feel the need to tell them how it really is. They will figure it out on their own. Your job is just to say; " Yeah, I get how much fun that would be", or "great goal, let me know how I can help," or I'm not sure I agree, but I understand why you would think that." Your kids are just thinking out loud.The edit button is not firmly in place yet. Most of us have silly things in our head, or fantasies about winning the lottery or the publishers clearing house, but we keep those thoughts to ourselves otherwise people would think we are nuts! If you don't give them the room and the opportunity to speak up about it free of judgement and criticism, you run the risk of shutting them down completely. Eventually, they will ask for your help and your opinion, and will value it because you have allowed them first to give voice to their own thoughts. Your teen is playing out all the options and choices he/she will have to make over the next 10 years. The operative word is play. You don't "show" them how to finish a puzzle, you just give them the pieces and let them figure it out!
Jeremy: My history teacher is ridiculous. He expects us to remember all this random stuff from a long time ago! Why can't he just teach us history like he' supposed to?
Mom: But isn't-
Jeremy: Don't question my logic, mom. Just say "Poor baby!"
I love this "conversation"! I am sure this takes place in your household at least once a day. Your teen says something provocative, narcissistic, naive, unrealistic... and thinking that you need to "set them straight" you respond with a lecture about why what they have said is narcissistic, naive, unrealistic....I worked with a couple recently who were getting hooked into these conversations so regularly that their relationship with their son was going down the toilet. They were frustrated with his inability to be realistic, and he was frustrated with their inability to understand him. The son would regularly pronounce plans about what he would do "when her grew up", or taunt his parents political views or accuse them of being hypocrites about their lifestyle. This teen is 15 year old. Honestly I don't remember exactly what it was he wanted to do, but it was of the following variety :
Teen: I want to be a rock star!
Parent: How can you be a rock star if you don't play the guitar, can't sing, and hate to practice or put time into anything?
Teen: Details, details.
Adolescence is all about fantasy. It is about now seeing the possibilities of life. It is all about idealism, and unrealistic expectations. For the first time in their lives they are thinking with a new brain that literally floods them with endless thoughts, ideas, and plans, most of which will be naturally discarded as they experience life. They actually don't need your "realism" cause truly they will find out for themselves from living life, experiencing disappointment and disillusionment when real life does not imitate their fantasy life. In some ways teens are playing the "dress-up" games of early childhood. They are metaphorically trying on those cowboy or princess costumes. They eventually outgrow the "game", and get on with life. You don't need to be worried or feel the need to tell them how it really is. They will figure it out on their own. Your job is just to say; " Yeah, I get how much fun that would be", or "great goal, let me know how I can help," or I'm not sure I agree, but I understand why you would think that." Your kids are just thinking out loud.The edit button is not firmly in place yet. Most of us have silly things in our head, or fantasies about winning the lottery or the publishers clearing house, but we keep those thoughts to ourselves otherwise people would think we are nuts! If you don't give them the room and the opportunity to speak up about it free of judgement and criticism, you run the risk of shutting them down completely. Eventually, they will ask for your help and your opinion, and will value it because you have allowed them first to give voice to their own thoughts. Your teen is playing out all the options and choices he/she will have to make over the next 10 years. The operative word is play. You don't "show" them how to finish a puzzle, you just give them the pieces and let them figure it out!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
STOP YELLING...please
Are you a serial yeller? Do your teens know how to push you past the point of no return? Have you noticed that the more out of control you get, the calmer you teen becomes? Yelling does not work! Neither does yelling in combination with taking everything away you just gave your teen for a holiday gift like the new smartphone, Ipad, Itouch, or laptop. If you find yourself yelling you have already lost the battle. It's time to put up the white flag and surrender.
I met with a couple recently, engaged in a battle with their teen daughter that seems likely to last forever unless someone blinks. The daughter has basically learned that she doesn't have much to lose, since everything that gets taken away just gets given back in time, and she can yell as loud as and as mean as her parents, particularly her mom. The more unlikable this teen becomes, the more frequent and louder these arguments are. And by unlikeable, I mean entitled, full of attitude and disrespect beyond all reasonable boundaries. Because of this, few nice words are shared between them. The daughter has had some challenges this year, starting a new school and being separated from all her friends, yet she has continued to make good grades, and has become involved in activities in this new arena. No small task for a 15 year old. But because she is such a brat at home, the good stuff is getting lost in the scuffle. So what's happening here. Mom and daughter share a common personality trait. They are strong, assertive women. See how well we can re-frame something negative to something positive!
If you are a person who likes to be in control, the teen years will be a huge challenge for you. If you have a teen who has a strong personality, just like mom and/or dad, double that challenge, and if your teen has watched and learned over the years how you get people to do what you want, than watch out, you have hit the triple crown whammy! They are paying you the highest compliment: imitation being the highest form of flattery!
If you want your teen to stop be disrespectful and bratty, you have to blink first! Your teen has learned how to bait you, and being a well-trained seal, you jump for the bait. When you get that pit in your stomach after you have asked your teen to do something, get something and say something, and their response is surly, disrespectful or he/she completely ignores you, don't jump for the fish. Yelling here will not not not not not not not not........ get them to do whatever it is you want!!!!!! GET IT!! Look them straight in the eye, give them a head shake and a shoulder shrug and WALK....A....WAY. Done! When they come to you for a ride, money, help with homework, laundry for school the next day, you give them that same head shake, shoulder shrug, and walk away, with a "I would have, cause I love to do things for you, but we don't seem to be on the same page today about helping each other." And that is it. Do not say another word. Don't get sarcastic, don't have a "tone" in your voice. Stay neutral. Now this doesn't mean you don't speak to your teen for the rest of the day. It just means that the favor-doing, ride-giving, laundress is off-duty for the rest of the day. Just that day. Every day is a new day. And who knows, maybe tomorrow will be a better one.!
I met with a couple recently, engaged in a battle with their teen daughter that seems likely to last forever unless someone blinks. The daughter has basically learned that she doesn't have much to lose, since everything that gets taken away just gets given back in time, and she can yell as loud as and as mean as her parents, particularly her mom. The more unlikable this teen becomes, the more frequent and louder these arguments are. And by unlikeable, I mean entitled, full of attitude and disrespect beyond all reasonable boundaries. Because of this, few nice words are shared between them. The daughter has had some challenges this year, starting a new school and being separated from all her friends, yet she has continued to make good grades, and has become involved in activities in this new arena. No small task for a 15 year old. But because she is such a brat at home, the good stuff is getting lost in the scuffle. So what's happening here. Mom and daughter share a common personality trait. They are strong, assertive women. See how well we can re-frame something negative to something positive!
If you are a person who likes to be in control, the teen years will be a huge challenge for you. If you have a teen who has a strong personality, just like mom and/or dad, double that challenge, and if your teen has watched and learned over the years how you get people to do what you want, than watch out, you have hit the triple crown whammy! They are paying you the highest compliment: imitation being the highest form of flattery!
If you want your teen to stop be disrespectful and bratty, you have to blink first! Your teen has learned how to bait you, and being a well-trained seal, you jump for the bait. When you get that pit in your stomach after you have asked your teen to do something, get something and say something, and their response is surly, disrespectful or he/she completely ignores you, don't jump for the fish. Yelling here will not not not not not not not not........ get them to do whatever it is you want!!!!!! GET IT!! Look them straight in the eye, give them a head shake and a shoulder shrug and WALK....A....WAY. Done! When they come to you for a ride, money, help with homework, laundry for school the next day, you give them that same head shake, shoulder shrug, and walk away, with a "I would have, cause I love to do things for you, but we don't seem to be on the same page today about helping each other." And that is it. Do not say another word. Don't get sarcastic, don't have a "tone" in your voice. Stay neutral. Now this doesn't mean you don't speak to your teen for the rest of the day. It just means that the favor-doing, ride-giving, laundress is off-duty for the rest of the day. Just that day. Every day is a new day. And who knows, maybe tomorrow will be a better one.!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
The First Day Back
Happy New Year. Yesterday was a busy day, a record number of calls from parents anticipating troubles in the new year. Perhaps there was "trouble in River City" over the holiday week. Maybe some incidents of drinking or drugs threw you for a loop, or realizing that the last 3 weeks of the term are closing in and there are assignments still unfinished, or maybe you are smack in the middle of the final weeks of college apps, and you and your senior are feeling the anxiety of deadlines. Take a deep breath. Getting all crazy, and starting back on the nagging train will not help. Best to just ease into it slowly, that's what your teen will need to do.
Rather than starting right in with the "did you finish/start/do your__________________? How about using this "I Get It" moment. "Hey honey, what are you dreading most about going back to school?" Just a simple question like that let's your teen know that you get how hard it is to transition back to the daily grind. A little empathy goes a long way. And when they walk in the door after school today, rather than getting right back into the multitude of questions that have plagued you all day about homework, projects and meetings with guidance counselors, give them some space. The first day back pretty much sucks. How many of you were dreading the rush today of alarm clocks, lunches, carpools and that's just the kids stuff, then add to that your work, and your deadlines. See, you and your kids are not all that different. Misery LOVES company!
Rather than starting right in with the "did you finish/start/do your__________________? How about using this "I Get It" moment. "Hey honey, what are you dreading most about going back to school?" Just a simple question like that let's your teen know that you get how hard it is to transition back to the daily grind. A little empathy goes a long way. And when they walk in the door after school today, rather than getting right back into the multitude of questions that have plagued you all day about homework, projects and meetings with guidance counselors, give them some space. The first day back pretty much sucks. How many of you were dreading the rush today of alarm clocks, lunches, carpools and that's just the kids stuff, then add to that your work, and your deadlines. See, you and your kids are not all that different. Misery LOVES company!
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