Many times after a seminar, parents will come up to me with questions about their teens. A common concern is about their teen, who signs up for a sport, or a musical instrument, or an after-school club, with much enthusiasm I might add, and then halfway or all the way into it they want to quit. Parents come to me with mixed emotions. On the one hand they are disappointed in their kid, saying things like,"they never finish anything, they have no passion for anything, I don't want them to learn that if you don't like something, you can just quit it, I hate that they are letting the team down..." and then on the other hand, think that if their teen has said they want to quit, there is really nothing they can do about it. Either way it feels like a pretty powerless place to be in.
Here are some explanations for why teens in particular are well known for being "quitters." First, the most important thing in a teen's life is their friends. If most of their friends are into sports or band or the school play they will want to be into it too, regardless of whether they like it, and have any talent or interest in it. The coaches on the other hand think that kids who join their team are interested in the sport and are motivated to do the best they can. If your teen joined because that's what their friends are doing, they probably are more interested in sitting on the bench and yammering away with their friends. This will definitely piss the coaches off, who may not be win-focused, but at least want their team members to put their fullest effort into the practices and games. Here is where the discontent begins. Teen joins team to hang with friends. Coach sees teen chatting and fooling around and not paying attention during practice and may start with a mild:" hey guys, pay attention," them when that doesn't seem to stop the stem of chatter, may disapprove more loudly with something stronger and perhaps meaner, and then at game time may further punish this distracting player by keeping them on the bench. For this teen, the fun factor of being with friends has diminished, and it is just a place to get hassled by an adult. Additionally their "friends" may actually be seriously into this sport and do not want to "chat and fool around." It is at this moment that your teen may say, "I quit". It has become a lose-lose activity. Friends not fun, coaches not fun, sport not fun, done!
Another cause for quitting, may be that your teen actually was interested in playing this sport, but is just not very good at it. Since self-consciousness is at an all-time high in adolescence, your teen may be feeling a heightened sense of humiliation. Perhaps when they get on the field, they lose the ball, miss the ball, send it to places where no one can field it, or is a slow runner. Coaches give "feedback" to your teen, in front of their friends, and the result is that he/she ends up on the bench during games and leaves feeling humiliated and dejected. One parent told me: "the coaches have been very discouraging and they tell her to quit." Doesn't sound like fun to me.
In either scenario, your teen is miserable. They had expectations when they joined up which have not be realized to say the least. I have said this before, but it bears repeating. Your teen is at the buffet of life, exploring all kinds of new "foods". Sometimes the ones they thought they would love turn out to be "yucky", and sometimes they become new favorites. Really no predicting here. There are so many variables at play here that motivate your teen to try new things. What do my friends like? What am I good at? What is fun and exciting? What do my parents expect of me? What is valued to be good at in my community? Sometime they are at odds with each other, and your teen doesn't have the experience or ability to think about it as rationally as you can, and to play out the consequences of their decisions.
So, when your teen comes to you and says, I quit, here are some strategies. First if your child is a younger teen, I would put a call into the coach/teacher/director and say: "My son/daughter wants to quit X. I'm wondering if you can help me understand what might be going on, and if you have any suggestions. Finishing something they start is important to us, and if they quit I want to make sure they understand why and what the consequences are." I would then go back to your teen with the information you got from this person and discuss it. Sometimes kids just need a little prodding, and they will give it another shot after some strategizing. You might say: " I get you're unhappy with X, and its just not fun anymore. Tell me some of the things that you hate about it? Can you think of anything you could do to make it better? If you do choose to quit, you will need to call the coach/teacher/director and tell them yourself. You can't just stop going you need to take responsibility for your decision. Lets talk about what you will say to him/her." At the least your teen will learn that sometimes quitting something is just as hard as staying in something. Your teen may be right in their decision, sucking it up isn't always character building, especially if their self-esteem is taking a beating. The work is the next time your teen wants to "join up" make sure that you have a discussion that helps them think through their decision. Teens are impulsive, irrational, and emotional which drive decisions that often backfire. Finding interests that we love and get pleasure from and can commit to is a life long pursuit. Be patient with the process.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Not Another Facebook Arrest!....A Conversation Starter
I keep bringing these stories to you, because I need you to "get" that your teens need education and training about what will and will not get them in trouble, and what is respectful and disrespectful with regard to what they post on Facebook. This story concerns a high school boy who decided it would be fun to post a rank ordering of 50 girls in his high school. This boy "reportedly ranked the girls on a 10-point scale based on facial features, a 5-point ranking for various body parts and a ranking of whether their "stock" is up or down, according to the Chicago Sun-Times. Girls were also given nicknames like "The Designated Drunk" and "The Amazing Bisexual." The list was circulated on Facebook, and in the halls on photocopied flyers." For those girls who were the chosen, they had to walk into school everyday facing the taunts generated by these so-called "ratings". Some girls were furious, but amazingly some girls thought it was "boys being boys." If this is boys being boys, then lock up your daughters. I'm guessing that the girls who were unperturbed about the rating system, liked the attention it generated for them, especially if their ratings were favorable. Who doesn't want to get a 10 for boobs! "The list was full of misogynistic language and racial slurs." The outcome for this boy was his expulsion from High School and his arrest for misdemeanor and disorderly conduct. I'm guessing that this boy thought he was being one clever dude, as did the hundreds of kids who read, responded, and participated in this incident.
Talk to your boys about respect for women, and talk to your girls about respect for themselves.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/10/student-arrested-for-rank_n_860115.html?icid=maing-grid7|main5|dl3|sec3_lnk1|62184
Talk to your boys about respect for women, and talk to your girls about respect for themselves.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/10/student-arrested-for-rank_n_860115.html?icid=maing-grid7|main5|dl3|sec3_lnk1|62184
an A+ parenting story
I wanted to share a story with you about how two parents handled a sticky situation. First I want to say that their 17 year old junior in high school son is a great kid. Several months ago he got caught in a lie about a party he had been forbidden to go to. He went to said party anyway, telling his parents he was somewhere else. Sound familiar? At 3:30 AM their son called, the party had taken a scary turn and he wanted out. Knowing there would be consequences, he still called his parents for help. First A+ moment for these parents. Somewhere in this kid's head he knew that even though he had screwed up, his parents would be there for him, since the message had always been safety first.
Fast forward to last weekend. Spring is here as is party time. These parents were approached by their son to talk about his weekend plans. There was a party he wanted to go to. Parents asked all the right questions: Will there be parents home? No, their son said. Will there be alcohol? Probably their son said. Clearly this kid had learned a lesson from the incident a few months before. Lie, you might get stuck in a scary situation. Take a risk, be honest, and trust that your parents will at least have a conversation with you about it. The parents took some time to think amongst themselves. Their thinking went somewhere along these lines. He is almost a senior in high school, turning 18 in a few months. In a previous attempt to set a limit, a very motivated kid, lied and did it anyway, ending up in a situation that became unsafe, and stayed in longer that he should have. This time around he is being honest about the supervision and the presence of alcohol. If they said no, he would "say" he was doing something else and show up at this party anyway, and maybe or maybe not get caught in a lie, or worse, end up in an unsafe situation. They decided that their primary goal was to help him stay safe. So here is what they agreed on, and how they presented together their decision. " We get how much you want to go this party. We know a lot of your friends are seniors, and this is a time to hang with them all before they finish school next week. We are uncomfortable that parents aren't around and that there is alcohol. So here is what we would like to do. We will drive you and pick you up, so at least we know that there will be safety in transportation, and maybe knowing that you will have to get in the car with us at midnight, being trashed will feel less like an option. That's the offer." Their son accepted. When they picked their son up at midnight, the father who is a good alcohol detector, said that his son was not intoxicated, maybe he had had a beer or two, but clearly was not bombed, and had his wits about him. Both parents and son felt the evening had been a successful lesson in honesty is the best policy.
Does this story make you feel uncomfortable? Of course it does. What parent wants to actually give their teen permission to go to a party where there is knowingly no supervision and drugs and alcohol? But as the newspapers have reiterated over and over lately, having parents in the house during a party does not equal or guarantee supervision and safety. What does give parents a better shot at safety is honesty with their teen. In my experience, when there is less sneakiness and more honesty, kids keep better control over themselves and stay safer. Somewhere in that brain of theirs, they accept and respect their parents belief that they have the capacity to be responsible for their behavior. These parents got the party was important, but put some boundaries around it to make it as safe as they could for their son, and in kind he stayed safe. You can't ask for more than that. A+ to all of them.
Fast forward to last weekend. Spring is here as is party time. These parents were approached by their son to talk about his weekend plans. There was a party he wanted to go to. Parents asked all the right questions: Will there be parents home? No, their son said. Will there be alcohol? Probably their son said. Clearly this kid had learned a lesson from the incident a few months before. Lie, you might get stuck in a scary situation. Take a risk, be honest, and trust that your parents will at least have a conversation with you about it. The parents took some time to think amongst themselves. Their thinking went somewhere along these lines. He is almost a senior in high school, turning 18 in a few months. In a previous attempt to set a limit, a very motivated kid, lied and did it anyway, ending up in a situation that became unsafe, and stayed in longer that he should have. This time around he is being honest about the supervision and the presence of alcohol. If they said no, he would "say" he was doing something else and show up at this party anyway, and maybe or maybe not get caught in a lie, or worse, end up in an unsafe situation. They decided that their primary goal was to help him stay safe. So here is what they agreed on, and how they presented together their decision. " We get how much you want to go this party. We know a lot of your friends are seniors, and this is a time to hang with them all before they finish school next week. We are uncomfortable that parents aren't around and that there is alcohol. So here is what we would like to do. We will drive you and pick you up, so at least we know that there will be safety in transportation, and maybe knowing that you will have to get in the car with us at midnight, being trashed will feel less like an option. That's the offer." Their son accepted. When they picked their son up at midnight, the father who is a good alcohol detector, said that his son was not intoxicated, maybe he had had a beer or two, but clearly was not bombed, and had his wits about him. Both parents and son felt the evening had been a successful lesson in honesty is the best policy.
Does this story make you feel uncomfortable? Of course it does. What parent wants to actually give their teen permission to go to a party where there is knowingly no supervision and drugs and alcohol? But as the newspapers have reiterated over and over lately, having parents in the house during a party does not equal or guarantee supervision and safety. What does give parents a better shot at safety is honesty with their teen. In my experience, when there is less sneakiness and more honesty, kids keep better control over themselves and stay safer. Somewhere in that brain of theirs, they accept and respect their parents belief that they have the capacity to be responsible for their behavior. These parents got the party was important, but put some boundaries around it to make it as safe as they could for their son, and in kind he stayed safe. You can't ask for more than that. A+ to all of them.
Monday, May 9, 2011
I Just Don't Fit In This family Anymore
Sometimes I get coaching requests from parents who just don't "get" their teen. Its not just the normal teenage angst stuff these parents are struggling with, but a deeper sense of not understanding or connecting with the real "who" this teen is. When you first become a parent, and start a family there are fantasies and expectations of what your family will be like. You have visions of family ski trips, or trips to museums, or Monday night football dancing in your head. And while your kids are growing up those fantasies may become your family's realities. But now your previously appreciative, enthusiastic 9 year old is 14, and expresses deep resentment at having to participate in family activities that they have absolutely no interest in and to be blunt...hate.
Recently a parent told me about her 14 year old daughter who likes nothing better than to watch cooking shows and bake, her favorite TV show being "Cupcake Wars." This family however is athletic personified. They have a vacation house in the mountains and in the winter the family skis and in the non-winter months they love to hike. Everyone in this family is thin and fit, this 14 year old is not. She is not fat, but she is not trim and athletic...like everyone else in the family. The parents came to me because they were feeling completely disconnected from their daughter. She wasn't doing anything wrong, but she continually separated herself from the family perpetuating her sense of non-belonging. Their other children were active, participated in sports, and these parents were busy coaching and attending and engaging in their other children's lives. Not so much with their 14 year old daughter. Not surprisingly, this 14 year old was surly, argumentative, and angry most of the time.
Adolescence is all about figuring out "who you are". This 14 year old was doing that, and realizing that who she was, was nothing like anyone else in her family. What was problematic in this family was that in order to fit in and be be accepted you had to buy into the family script....love being physical! This 14 year old literally had a different body type, a different style of physical energy and completely different interests. As she became a teen, this became glaringly obvious to everyone. The parents, loving their daughter, were doing everything they could to make her feel included...in their activities. They cajoled her to come hiking with them, offered her a gym membership to get in shape, maybe take a dance class, a yoga class, a personal trainer, anything to get her interested in taking care of her body. All to no avail, it only seemed to incite the daughter even more.
The truth of the matter is, your kids are not you! Maybe as your kids move into Adolescence they continue to enjoy and participate in the same family activities as they always have. Just the luck of the draw. Some teens, now at the "buffet of life" start to see options that are more appealing to them, like this 14 year old. But in her family, not being like them was seen as a rejection instead of a possibility. And it was no wonder she seemed angry and resentful, she felt like she had no place in this family.
My suggestion was to accept and embrace the interests and perspective this daughter brought to the family. Instead of resenting her for not wanting to join the family hike, why not take her shopping for baking supplies and leave her to bake goodies for the family for when they return, starving and craving a snack. Make her the dessert chef, send her to cooking school, find ways of supporting her interests but also her contribution to the family. How wonderful is it when members of the family are different from each other. Variety is the spice of the life.
Recently a parent told me about her 14 year old daughter who likes nothing better than to watch cooking shows and bake, her favorite TV show being "Cupcake Wars." This family however is athletic personified. They have a vacation house in the mountains and in the winter the family skis and in the non-winter months they love to hike. Everyone in this family is thin and fit, this 14 year old is not. She is not fat, but she is not trim and athletic...like everyone else in the family. The parents came to me because they were feeling completely disconnected from their daughter. She wasn't doing anything wrong, but she continually separated herself from the family perpetuating her sense of non-belonging. Their other children were active, participated in sports, and these parents were busy coaching and attending and engaging in their other children's lives. Not so much with their 14 year old daughter. Not surprisingly, this 14 year old was surly, argumentative, and angry most of the time.
Adolescence is all about figuring out "who you are". This 14 year old was doing that, and realizing that who she was, was nothing like anyone else in her family. What was problematic in this family was that in order to fit in and be be accepted you had to buy into the family script....love being physical! This 14 year old literally had a different body type, a different style of physical energy and completely different interests. As she became a teen, this became glaringly obvious to everyone. The parents, loving their daughter, were doing everything they could to make her feel included...in their activities. They cajoled her to come hiking with them, offered her a gym membership to get in shape, maybe take a dance class, a yoga class, a personal trainer, anything to get her interested in taking care of her body. All to no avail, it only seemed to incite the daughter even more.
The truth of the matter is, your kids are not you! Maybe as your kids move into Adolescence they continue to enjoy and participate in the same family activities as they always have. Just the luck of the draw. Some teens, now at the "buffet of life" start to see options that are more appealing to them, like this 14 year old. But in her family, not being like them was seen as a rejection instead of a possibility. And it was no wonder she seemed angry and resentful, she felt like she had no place in this family.
My suggestion was to accept and embrace the interests and perspective this daughter brought to the family. Instead of resenting her for not wanting to join the family hike, why not take her shopping for baking supplies and leave her to bake goodies for the family for when they return, starving and craving a snack. Make her the dessert chef, send her to cooking school, find ways of supporting her interests but also her contribution to the family. How wonderful is it when members of the family are different from each other. Variety is the spice of the life.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Having A Sex Talk
There has been a lot of controversy here in Massachusetts about a sex-ed informational website for teens called Mariatalks.com, providing teens with information on SEX. OOHHH.This is a website designed by the AIDS action committee. It seems some of their funding comes from the state, and the Citizen's For Life group are up in arms and want the site taken down. It seems that the site actually talks about sex. It provides information on men's and women's anatomy(with pictures), different choices men and women can make regarding sexual activity, information on birth control, abortion and abstinence, STDS, AIDS, and masturbation. From my perspective it pretty much covers all the bases. One of the opposers of the site has said:"There are words I would find difficult to speak." as a reason the site is inappropriate. Yes they do use words like "vagina" and "penis". Shocking! I think the site is extremely well-done and informative without being preachy or too cool.
These sites are important, because it seems that many parents are extremely uncomfortable about taking to their teens about sex. I just finished grading 30 papers from one of my college courses called Psychology of Family Life. The final paper assignment was to write an autobiography on their own family's influence on their life. One of the questions they had to include in this paper was: How did you acquire your sex-education, how has it influenced you in your decisions around your own sexual activity? I got some really interesting answers: "In my household, sex was something that was never talked about, in 5th grade I pulled an encyclopedia out after school with my friends and looked up sex." Another student writes: "Growing up, sex was never really brought up to me.I was embarrassed to ask questions about sex, and then I was embarrassed to admit when I became sexually active, so I was to afraid to ask to go on the pill. I ended up getting much of my sex-ed from my peers."And from a 19 year old mother of a four year old:" My education about sex was slim to none when I was growing up. I knew what it was, but not the consequences of it. Sex was something the older kids were doing, and I wanted to do it too. I knew absolutely nothing about birth control, or how to get it, and that's how I became pregnant."
The research shows that kids really do want to talk with their parents about sex. But like a dog who senses fear, a teen can sense their parents discomfort and realize its better to go elsewhere for the information. Sometimes that elsewhere place is misinformed friends, pornographic websites, or aggressive partners who can convince them that sex is good, lets just do it, without thinking of consequences, both emotional and physical. Sites like mariatalks.com are good. At the least if you feel uncomfortable talking about sex with your teen, you can say: " I know you are at an age when you are going to be having to make decisions about sex. This makes me uncomfortable, I still think of you as my little boy/girl but I know how important it is for you to get the right kind of information. Here is a great website, I have bookmarked it on the computer so you can go to it when you want. " Obviously the best case, is that you get over your own discomfort, and start talking with your teens about sex. Watch a movie or a tv show that has teens dealing with issues about sex, (that shouldn't be hard, since its everywhere) and use the show as a jumping off point for discussion. Find some common ground to start with. Maybe you had a high school boyfriend/girlfriend, and you can use your own experience, and struggles with decisions about sex as a catalyst for discussion. Its good for your teens to see you as a person who, like them, didn't quite know what to do. It makes you human. Sex is good, sex is a natural part of development, but you are not born with information and the ability to make the "right decision". Your teens need your help not your hesitancy.
These sites are important, because it seems that many parents are extremely uncomfortable about taking to their teens about sex. I just finished grading 30 papers from one of my college courses called Psychology of Family Life. The final paper assignment was to write an autobiography on their own family's influence on their life. One of the questions they had to include in this paper was: How did you acquire your sex-education, how has it influenced you in your decisions around your own sexual activity? I got some really interesting answers: "In my household, sex was something that was never talked about, in 5th grade I pulled an encyclopedia out after school with my friends and looked up sex." Another student writes: "Growing up, sex was never really brought up to me.I was embarrassed to ask questions about sex, and then I was embarrassed to admit when I became sexually active, so I was to afraid to ask to go on the pill. I ended up getting much of my sex-ed from my peers."And from a 19 year old mother of a four year old:" My education about sex was slim to none when I was growing up. I knew what it was, but not the consequences of it. Sex was something the older kids were doing, and I wanted to do it too. I knew absolutely nothing about birth control, or how to get it, and that's how I became pregnant."
The research shows that kids really do want to talk with their parents about sex. But like a dog who senses fear, a teen can sense their parents discomfort and realize its better to go elsewhere for the information. Sometimes that elsewhere place is misinformed friends, pornographic websites, or aggressive partners who can convince them that sex is good, lets just do it, without thinking of consequences, both emotional and physical. Sites like mariatalks.com are good. At the least if you feel uncomfortable talking about sex with your teen, you can say: " I know you are at an age when you are going to be having to make decisions about sex. This makes me uncomfortable, I still think of you as my little boy/girl but I know how important it is for you to get the right kind of information. Here is a great website, I have bookmarked it on the computer so you can go to it when you want. " Obviously the best case, is that you get over your own discomfort, and start talking with your teens about sex. Watch a movie or a tv show that has teens dealing with issues about sex, (that shouldn't be hard, since its everywhere) and use the show as a jumping off point for discussion. Find some common ground to start with. Maybe you had a high school boyfriend/girlfriend, and you can use your own experience, and struggles with decisions about sex as a catalyst for discussion. Its good for your teens to see you as a person who, like them, didn't quite know what to do. It makes you human. Sex is good, sex is a natural part of development, but you are not born with information and the ability to make the "right decision". Your teens need your help not your hesitancy.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Want To Let Teens Drink In Your Home..Read This
If Time Magazine says something, it must be true. This is for all you parents out there who subscribe to the theory that if you let your teen and their friends drink in your home, then you can keep them safe and teach them how to drink responsibly. I have always thought that this was "horse puckies". Turns out I was right. My take on parents who let their teen and their teen's friends drink at their house are just avoiding responsibility and a fight. They may even be hoping to throw back a few and be one of the gang. It turns out that parents who let kids drink at home are giving a different message. Instead of being safer, teens are getting the message that alcohol is no biggie. Adults get that all things in moderation are fine. Moderation is not part of a teen's vocabulary. If a little is good, more must be better. That is the motto teens live by. Teens interpret permission for drinking as permission to get trashed. Maybe not at that house, on that night, but if the grown-ups say drinking is cool, then drinking IS cool.
Here is an excerpt of the study I read about in Time Magazine, comparing the US, where it is ILLEGAL for adults to allow drinking in their homes, to Australia, where it is permissible to have adult supervised drinking parties. "Barbara McMorris, lead author of the study published in the Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs, compared seventh graders from the U.S., which prohibits underage drinking, and Australia, where adult-supervised drinking for teens is allowed. By the ninth grade, 36% of the Australian teens had problems with binge drinking or other alcohol-related issues such as getting in fights and having blackouts, while only 21% of the American adolescents did. In fact, regardless of where they lived, youngsters who drank in front of adults were more likely to have drinking problems several years later than those who abstained."
Here is an excerpt of the study I read about in Time Magazine, comparing the US, where it is ILLEGAL for adults to allow drinking in their homes, to Australia, where it is permissible to have adult supervised drinking parties. "Barbara McMorris, lead author of the study published in the Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs, compared seventh graders from the U.S., which prohibits underage drinking, and Australia, where adult-supervised drinking for teens is allowed. By the ninth grade, 36% of the Australian teens had problems with binge drinking or other alcohol-related issues such as getting in fights and having blackouts, while only 21% of the American adolescents did. In fact, regardless of where they lived, youngsters who drank in front of adults were more likely to have drinking problems several years later than those who abstained."
Monday, May 2, 2011
Driving Dumb
I read a story last week about two 14 year old boys who were picked up at 2:20 AM joy riding in one of their parent's cars. The police of this sleepy seaside town were driving on patrol during the early morning hours, expecting I'm sure a relaxing cruise around town, when they noticed a car driving erratically. As they gave chase, they could see it was two young boys, who were losing control of the car. These boys were inexperienced drivers, and probably scared sh**less that what started as a "Oh it will be so much fun to take my dad's car and drive around town" idea was now becoming a scary nightmare. As the car skidded to a stop, barely missing a tree, one of the boys ran while the other was caught by the police. Both boys were eventually caught, and the parents called. I can hear the phone ringing now at 3 AM, "Hello Mr and Mrs X , we have your son down here at the police station, seems they took your car for a ride!"
Now come all the "thank gods." Thank god they weren't hurt, thank god no one else was hurt, thank god I don't have to get a new car, thank god these are nice local cops who took good care of the boys .... and so on. Lets analyze this event. Two boys on a sleepover. Parents have probably known their son's friend for years, and he's slept over a million times. Parents go to bed knowing that the boys are snug as a bug in rug down in the basement playing video games and eating junk food, just like all the other sleepovers they have had together. Boys, on the other hand, are looking for more excitement. Video games, ho hum, stealing the dad's car and riding to the beach, now that's a good time. And because teenagers think they are invincible, and because they don't think things through, they only go as far as "lets get the car and go, the keys are just sitting there on the counter...piece a cake.! No one will ever know."Famous last words! What they didn't think through was "we live in small town, and the streets are pretty empty at 2:30 AM, we will stick out like a sore thumb. Also I don't know how to drive, and I might make a driving mistake and hurt us or the car...Nope they didn't think of those things. Just "this will be awesome." And awesome it was.
This is a good cautionary tale about sleepovers. As kids move into adolescence, sleepovers become fertile ground for late night, story making, grand escapades. Impulsivity takes over, and rational thought is left behind. This doesn't mean you have to scrap the sleepover, it just means you have to readjust your expectations. First, just because you know the kids that are sleeping over, and maybe you know their parents,and they come from good families, and they are good kids, that doesn't mean you can close your door and go to bed. This isn't about good kids and good families, this is about kids looking for fun. Period. Now before you go off to bed, you might say:" Hey guys, just want to let you know, I am up and down the stairs all night these days, don't sleep so good anymore, old age I guess, anyway, hope I won't disturb you, (wink wink). And truly, up and down the stairs you should be. Set your alarm for hour and half intervals, and be intentional about going up and down those stairs. Let those kids know that there really is no predictable window of opportunity to sneak out, drink booze, etc without getting caught. Your job is to keep those kids sleeping at your house safe. Parents often get annoyed at me when I suggest this approach to sleepovers stating how exhausted they are, and need their sleep. And I say, when your teen was a baby and you had to get up every few hours to feed them, you never said, too bad, no food for you you, I'm too tired. No you lovingly did everything you needed to do to nurture this life. You are doing the same thing here. If you think of adolescence like you thought of life with a new baby, you are right on target. No rest for the weary, but anxiously awaiting to see who this person will be become.
Now come all the "thank gods." Thank god they weren't hurt, thank god no one else was hurt, thank god I don't have to get a new car, thank god these are nice local cops who took good care of the boys .... and so on. Lets analyze this event. Two boys on a sleepover. Parents have probably known their son's friend for years, and he's slept over a million times. Parents go to bed knowing that the boys are snug as a bug in rug down in the basement playing video games and eating junk food, just like all the other sleepovers they have had together. Boys, on the other hand, are looking for more excitement. Video games, ho hum, stealing the dad's car and riding to the beach, now that's a good time. And because teenagers think they are invincible, and because they don't think things through, they only go as far as "lets get the car and go, the keys are just sitting there on the counter...piece a cake.! No one will ever know."Famous last words! What they didn't think through was "we live in small town, and the streets are pretty empty at 2:30 AM, we will stick out like a sore thumb. Also I don't know how to drive, and I might make a driving mistake and hurt us or the car...Nope they didn't think of those things. Just "this will be awesome." And awesome it was.
This is a good cautionary tale about sleepovers. As kids move into adolescence, sleepovers become fertile ground for late night, story making, grand escapades. Impulsivity takes over, and rational thought is left behind. This doesn't mean you have to scrap the sleepover, it just means you have to readjust your expectations. First, just because you know the kids that are sleeping over, and maybe you know their parents,and they come from good families, and they are good kids, that doesn't mean you can close your door and go to bed. This isn't about good kids and good families, this is about kids looking for fun. Period. Now before you go off to bed, you might say:" Hey guys, just want to let you know, I am up and down the stairs all night these days, don't sleep so good anymore, old age I guess, anyway, hope I won't disturb you, (wink wink). And truly, up and down the stairs you should be. Set your alarm for hour and half intervals, and be intentional about going up and down those stairs. Let those kids know that there really is no predictable window of opportunity to sneak out, drink booze, etc without getting caught. Your job is to keep those kids sleeping at your house safe. Parents often get annoyed at me when I suggest this approach to sleepovers stating how exhausted they are, and need their sleep. And I say, when your teen was a baby and you had to get up every few hours to feed them, you never said, too bad, no food for you you, I'm too tired. No you lovingly did everything you needed to do to nurture this life. You are doing the same thing here. If you think of adolescence like you thought of life with a new baby, you are right on target. No rest for the weary, but anxiously awaiting to see who this person will be become.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)