Standing in front of a hundred parents I ask them to shout out adjectives that describe their teen. Surly, disrespectful, mean, sarcastic, argumentative, are a few that top the list. Where is that lovely 8-year-old who can't tell you enough how much he loves you, in fact loves you so much he wants to marry you when he grows up! So much for unrequited love.
Here is what's going on. Your teen has now figured out that they are not you! Plain and simple. And to drive that point home, they will find any way they can to communicate that message to you. If you are a reader, they will disdain books, if you hate television, they will find the most offensive show on and make sure to watch it instead of doing homework, If you are a republican, they will be a democrat, if you eat meat, they will become a vegetarian, if you are religious, they will be an atheist. Get the picture. Teens are practicing how to stand on their own two feet, just like they did as a two year old, using the word NO as a mainstay of their vocabulary. Adulthood is looming and they get somewhere in that developing brain of theirs that they will be expected to think for themselves. You dear parents are their guinea pigs.
Now, having said that, this does not give your teen carte blanche to be disrespectful. I have spent many minutes standing behind pairs of parents and kids in check-out lines in clothing stores listening to teens talk trash to their parents. It is all I can do to stop myself from tearing those $200 jeans from that daughter's hands and telling the parent to just walk away from the register. Because truly that is what the parent should have done. Instead I hear the low grumble of that parent's voice" this is the last thing I buy for you, you don't talk to me that way, I've had it! Now excuse me while I take out my credit card."
When your kid is mean, or sarcastic and disrespectful, sticking your finger in their face, and telling them they can't talk to you that way....after they just did seems a little contradictory and is a pretty ineffectual strategy to change behavior. Sometimes parents up the ante by threats to take away their phone, their computer, their life if they continue to talk to them in "that tone of voice". Which of course enrages the kid even more, and requires the parent to think up more things to take away. Because after all, you can't let your kid get away with that level of disrespect.
Here are some effective strategies. First lighten up. Humor often can be the best anecdote to disrespect. Ask any bully. Its not fun to bully someone if it doesn't get them all riled up. So if it is the mild form of disrespect, when they are being more sarcastic than out right mean, grab them and give them a big smooch and say something like" You're so adorable when you are being a pain in the a**."This catches them off guard breaking the rhythm of discord. Often your kids aren't even that aware of how they are talking to you. Humor is a much more powerful tool to call attention to it than anger.
If you move into more moderate and severe disrespect, that unmistakable, whiny, yelling, demanding thing. Using an "I get It moment" may help. So instead of yelling, "Don't talk to me that way, you're grounded." You might say. " I know you're frustrated, I know you think I am being unfair (fill in the blank with whatever he/she is accusing you of), I get it, and I would like to hear what you have to say, but not when you're screaming at me." And now you walk away. Seriously, walk away. There is nothing to be gained by continuing this drama, and disengaging sends a powerful message. Grab your dog and go for a walk, get in the car and go for coffee, go in your room and close the door. Whatever you do, DO NOT get hooked back into this screaming match. Sometime later, perhaps you go into their room and say, "I would like to hear what you have to say." The key here is to just listen, don't get all defensive and feel like you have to keep making your point. If after you have listened and you haven't heard anything new, feel free to say, "thank you for saying this in a way I can really hear you, I get that this is important to you, but it just can't happen, and I am sorry about that." Give a little shoulder shrug, and WALK AWAY!! You're teen is not going to say thank you for saying no. They will be frustrated, and angry, but if you disengage you are protecting them from letting their anger become disrespect towards you. If you stay, nothing good will come of it.
Using the example of the mom in the store, when your kid starts to abuse you when you are actually doing something nice for him/her, there is only one thing to do, not yelling, not telling them how ungrateful they are being, JUST STOP DOING IT. If you are in the car, taking them someplace they want to go, a friend's, the mall, CVS and they start in with you on something, rather than going to the "I've had it, why should I ever do anything for you when you treat me this way rant," say nothing. Turn the car around and go home, drop the $200 pair of jeans on the counter and vamoose out of the store. You are teaching your teen about the reciprocity of relationships. If you ground or take your teens phone away because they treated you badly, there is often no lasting effect because there is no relationship connection. When you withhold yourself from doing the things you usually love doing for your teen, there is a connection, a powerful connection. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
money, money money
I polled my college freshman yesterday asking what they wished their parents had done differently when they were in middle and high school. Of course "stayed out of my business" ranked #1, but this one was a bit of a surprise. Many said "I wished they had taught me how to manage money". They find themselves now, as college students constantly in a state of monetary crisis. Because of the financial strain of putting a kid through college, many parents rightly let their kids know that if they want spending money they actually will have to earn it themselves. Most parents being totally tapped out with tuition and room and board, expect that their kid's summer job earnings will become first semester petty cash accounts. For many students this is the first time they have had a finite amount of money. They take out the old debit card expecting that the magic money will appear, just like their magic phones, their magic ipod downloads, and their magic college tuition. It can be a rude awakening the first time a card is rejected with a resounding....NO MORE MONEY! This may be for some kids, the first time they can't talk their way into or out of something. No money is no money. It is the ultimate, no manipulation consequence. Unless a phone call to mommy and daddy succeeds with getting a wad a cash deposited in their account with the pro-offered, " I promise I'll never ask you again. Yeah right, until the next time.
Most middle and high school kids are on a pay-as-you-go plan. As in "going to the mall, can I have some money?", or "going to the movies, can I have some money?" or "going to hang in town, can I have some money?" or "need lunch money, bus money, pot and alcohol money."(only sorta kidding on this one). With so much going on in every ones life, the passing out of money becomes somewhat of a mindless activity. You ask a perfunctory," what do you need it for? " They retort with " a bunch of us... or I need more.......you say OK and open your wallets.
Just telling your now young adult that they are now responsible for their money, is truly a bit unfair, unless you have provided the training on how to do this. As parents we often expect our kids to do the right thing, even though this may be something for which they have no experience. Adolescence is ripe with these dilemmas. Many of the big decisions kids have to make, especially around safety issues, they have never had to make before. And because teens are impulsive, emotional and live in the moment, they often make the wrong decision, especially around money.
So here are some ways that you might take the time to prepare your kids now to manage their money to avoid those panic college calls. Perhaps over the course of the next month you and your kid keep a tally of all the money you give them, this includes, lunch and transportation money, clothes and incidentals, food, entertainment, and general running around money. Many of you have fancy phones that I'm sure "have an app for that". Caution: Do Not Expect Your Teen To Keep Track Of This. This would be an unrealistic expectation. As I have said in previous posts, teens are distracted, forgetful, and are probably not all that motivated to change the way things are. They are very happy with the pay-as-go model. Remember it is college students lamenting after the fact that they "wished" that they had been better prepared.
Once you have this amount, which I am sure will shock you both. Come up with a plan, and here you must include your teen in the process. Decide how you will mete out this cash, weekly or monthly. Perhaps you will decide that the money for them to manage will just be food/entertainment/weekend spending money, not big ticket items like clothes. Whatever it is, deposit into a debit account this agreed upon amount. Teach your kid how to check balances. Remember kids use alot of magical thinking, and they may take out a $20 here and a $20 there and not remember even taking the money out or what they spent it on. THIS IS THE POINT. We get that they are mindless, and this is the time now, in a protected environment to teach mindfulness about money. Maybe every Wednesday night you and your teen go on the website together and check the balance, helping them to figure out what they will need for the weekend. This helps kids to keep track. If you do this regularly then you won't get the " but I don't have any money left, and everyone is going to the movies, or I need new sneakers, or a new outfit for the dance."
The most important part of this plan is the consistency and follow through. It will probably take only one time of wanting to go out with friends, and realizing they have already spent their allotted money and you doing a little shoulder shrug, and saying " Oh I am sorry, that must be hard that you've already spent all your money. you're welcome to have your friends here." If you cave, or if you give advances on a regular basis, the message your kids will get is I really don't have to be responsible about this money, because I'll just be able to get more. And again this is the point. In order for any change to take place and become integrated it must be consistent and predictable. This is where the hard work comes in. But the pay off will be enormous, because the pride your teen eventually feels for being "in charge" and 'in control" is priceless.
Most middle and high school kids are on a pay-as-you-go plan. As in "going to the mall, can I have some money?", or "going to the movies, can I have some money?" or "going to hang in town, can I have some money?" or "need lunch money, bus money, pot and alcohol money."(only sorta kidding on this one). With so much going on in every ones life, the passing out of money becomes somewhat of a mindless activity. You ask a perfunctory," what do you need it for? " They retort with " a bunch of us... or I need more.......you say OK and open your wallets.
Just telling your now young adult that they are now responsible for their money, is truly a bit unfair, unless you have provided the training on how to do this. As parents we often expect our kids to do the right thing, even though this may be something for which they have no experience. Adolescence is ripe with these dilemmas. Many of the big decisions kids have to make, especially around safety issues, they have never had to make before. And because teens are impulsive, emotional and live in the moment, they often make the wrong decision, especially around money.
So here are some ways that you might take the time to prepare your kids now to manage their money to avoid those panic college calls. Perhaps over the course of the next month you and your kid keep a tally of all the money you give them, this includes, lunch and transportation money, clothes and incidentals, food, entertainment, and general running around money. Many of you have fancy phones that I'm sure "have an app for that". Caution: Do Not Expect Your Teen To Keep Track Of This. This would be an unrealistic expectation. As I have said in previous posts, teens are distracted, forgetful, and are probably not all that motivated to change the way things are. They are very happy with the pay-as-go model. Remember it is college students lamenting after the fact that they "wished" that they had been better prepared.
Once you have this amount, which I am sure will shock you both. Come up with a plan, and here you must include your teen in the process. Decide how you will mete out this cash, weekly or monthly. Perhaps you will decide that the money for them to manage will just be food/entertainment/weekend spending money, not big ticket items like clothes. Whatever it is, deposit into a debit account this agreed upon amount. Teach your kid how to check balances. Remember kids use alot of magical thinking, and they may take out a $20 here and a $20 there and not remember even taking the money out or what they spent it on. THIS IS THE POINT. We get that they are mindless, and this is the time now, in a protected environment to teach mindfulness about money. Maybe every Wednesday night you and your teen go on the website together and check the balance, helping them to figure out what they will need for the weekend. This helps kids to keep track. If you do this regularly then you won't get the " but I don't have any money left, and everyone is going to the movies, or I need new sneakers, or a new outfit for the dance."
The most important part of this plan is the consistency and follow through. It will probably take only one time of wanting to go out with friends, and realizing they have already spent their allotted money and you doing a little shoulder shrug, and saying " Oh I am sorry, that must be hard that you've already spent all your money. you're welcome to have your friends here." If you cave, or if you give advances on a regular basis, the message your kids will get is I really don't have to be responsible about this money, because I'll just be able to get more. And again this is the point. In order for any change to take place and become integrated it must be consistent and predictable. This is where the hard work comes in. But the pay off will be enormous, because the pride your teen eventually feels for being "in charge" and 'in control" is priceless.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The report card: A call to action
Just like the first frost that appears on our last surviving plants on the deck announcing the end of summer, so do the first fall report cards appear, announcing another kind of reckoning. Parents hoping that this year will be better, easier, their teen another year older and wiser, having learned from last years lessons, open the envelope with trepidation and anticipation. Some glance quickly, scanning for standout grades in either direction, others take their time, each grade at a time, each comment at a time. Until...THE comment, THAT comment, that when parents read make their veins pop, and their hearts pound. " Johnny is a good student, BUT he is missing 3 homework assignments and because of that his grade is a C instead of a B.
For some parents this might be the first time they have seen this kind of report card from their teen. Perhaps in previous years their kid led a quieter, less social life than other kids, and studying hard and striving for good grades was their true mission. But what is this, where are the A's and B+'s they have grown accustomed to seeing? And then for some parents, who had been hoping for a fresh beginning, a new year full of promise, feel disappointed that its same old same old.
Though your first impulse might be to barge into your kids room, or start in on dealing with this as soon as they step into your car or into the house, I encourage you to take a moment, and take a deep and cleansing breath. You are probably feeling somewhat duped by your teen, having asked over and over and over again: "Did you finish your homework?", and the answer was "YES". You probably asked over and over, "did you make up those missing homework assignments? " And the answer was "YES!"
But here, in living proof is the evidence of that lie. You are storming.
Your kids are expecting the storm. They are primed and ready with excuses, and explanations, and promises for change. Consider this an opportunity to approach this in a new way. Rather than starting the conversation with: "This is what happens when you spend too much time on your phone, and on your computer and with your video games. In this house, schoolwork comes first! Instead try this: "Hey honey lets go over your report card together. Let him/her read it out loud. After each grade and comment is read, say "so what do you think about what your teacher said and how she graded you?" Refrain and I know that this is really hard, but just let them talk. You might hear some complaining, some "its not my fault the teacher is mean", and some denial, "I didn't know that was missing." The goal here is to use this report card not as an indictment on bad study habits but as a road map for moving forward.
Using an 'I get it" moment, you might say: "I get first terms are always hard. Getting back into a routine is hard after the summer, and I know keeping up with friends, and sports and all the stuff you like is important to you lets figure out a way for you to do both. If you don't put your teen on the defensive and focus more on I want you to feel successful, you will find them more willing to have a conversation with you, and figure out a plan of action. This is not about the grades!!! This is about your kids mastering material and developing a curiosity for learning. And this goes for the kids who come home with the straight A report cards. If you focus on the "A" rather than, "I am so proud for all your hard work, and how much you learned this term," you have a kid who is motivated to learn because of the external motivator of making you happy, rather than the power of the learning itself.
Fall is a time for new beginnings. Maybe you can see that your teen has a really hard time settling in and developing good study habits. For kids 6th-9th grade, sometimes hiring a college student as a homework buddy/mentor can be very helpful. This is not a tutor, this is someone who grabs your kid, takes him to your library, helps him get his homework done, and then goes out for an ice cream. It reframes homework from being a lonely, isolating boring experience, to something more to look forward to. Hanging with someone cool, who helps them, and understands them. This also gets you out of the power struggle of getting them to settle down and finish their work. If you are worried that this homework thing is a chronic problem, make sure you communicate regularly with the teacher. E-mailing at the end of the week to find out about missing homework, gives you a leg up on the "I did it" avoidance technique many kids use. (Read post on the homework avoider for more suggestions). The most important message is not to label your kid as lazy, or unmotivated, this does not change behavior. Providing them with motivation, structure, and understanding does.
For some parents this might be the first time they have seen this kind of report card from their teen. Perhaps in previous years their kid led a quieter, less social life than other kids, and studying hard and striving for good grades was their true mission. But what is this, where are the A's and B+'s they have grown accustomed to seeing? And then for some parents, who had been hoping for a fresh beginning, a new year full of promise, feel disappointed that its same old same old.
Though your first impulse might be to barge into your kids room, or start in on dealing with this as soon as they step into your car or into the house, I encourage you to take a moment, and take a deep and cleansing breath. You are probably feeling somewhat duped by your teen, having asked over and over and over again: "Did you finish your homework?", and the answer was "YES". You probably asked over and over, "did you make up those missing homework assignments? " And the answer was "YES!"
But here, in living proof is the evidence of that lie. You are storming.
Your kids are expecting the storm. They are primed and ready with excuses, and explanations, and promises for change. Consider this an opportunity to approach this in a new way. Rather than starting the conversation with: "This is what happens when you spend too much time on your phone, and on your computer and with your video games. In this house, schoolwork comes first! Instead try this: "Hey honey lets go over your report card together. Let him/her read it out loud. After each grade and comment is read, say "so what do you think about what your teacher said and how she graded you?" Refrain and I know that this is really hard, but just let them talk. You might hear some complaining, some "its not my fault the teacher is mean", and some denial, "I didn't know that was missing." The goal here is to use this report card not as an indictment on bad study habits but as a road map for moving forward.
Using an 'I get it" moment, you might say: "I get first terms are always hard. Getting back into a routine is hard after the summer, and I know keeping up with friends, and sports and all the stuff you like is important to you lets figure out a way for you to do both. If you don't put your teen on the defensive and focus more on I want you to feel successful, you will find them more willing to have a conversation with you, and figure out a plan of action. This is not about the grades!!! This is about your kids mastering material and developing a curiosity for learning. And this goes for the kids who come home with the straight A report cards. If you focus on the "A" rather than, "I am so proud for all your hard work, and how much you learned this term," you have a kid who is motivated to learn because of the external motivator of making you happy, rather than the power of the learning itself.
Fall is a time for new beginnings. Maybe you can see that your teen has a really hard time settling in and developing good study habits. For kids 6th-9th grade, sometimes hiring a college student as a homework buddy/mentor can be very helpful. This is not a tutor, this is someone who grabs your kid, takes him to your library, helps him get his homework done, and then goes out for an ice cream. It reframes homework from being a lonely, isolating boring experience, to something more to look forward to. Hanging with someone cool, who helps them, and understands them. This also gets you out of the power struggle of getting them to settle down and finish their work. If you are worried that this homework thing is a chronic problem, make sure you communicate regularly with the teacher. E-mailing at the end of the week to find out about missing homework, gives you a leg up on the "I did it" avoidance technique many kids use. (Read post on the homework avoider for more suggestions). The most important message is not to label your kid as lazy, or unmotivated, this does not change behavior. Providing them with motivation, structure, and understanding does.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Senioritis and Parentitis
If you have a senior in high school, I am sure that your kid is suffering from this condition and that as their parent you are suffering from the corresponding and complimentary, Parentitis. Symptoms for Senioritis include, intense procrastination, increased surliness (if that's possible), increased avoidance of parents and home, and rejection of all suggestions of how to complete college applications.
Symptoms of Parentitis include high anxiety and sleepless nights, weakened eyesight from too many hours looking at college websites on the computer, fatigued fingers from keeping up with college application submission deadlines on the family calendar, and wistful looks at your sleeping senior knowing that those looks are numbered as they move away from home.
The whole college admission process is a lesson in letting go. You can huck, you can hound, but the bottom line is you cannot just "make" you teen get this work done. To combat Senioritis, parents must pay less attention to the symptoms, and more attention to the underlying issues. If you label the procrastination as laziness and avoidance, your teen gets defensive, angry, feels criticized and ends up avoiding and procrastinating even more. Not exactly the outcome you were hoping for.
Here are some of those underlying issues:
Symptoms of Parentitis include high anxiety and sleepless nights, weakened eyesight from too many hours looking at college websites on the computer, fatigued fingers from keeping up with college application submission deadlines on the family calendar, and wistful looks at your sleeping senior knowing that those looks are numbered as they move away from home.
The whole college admission process is a lesson in letting go. You can huck, you can hound, but the bottom line is you cannot just "make" you teen get this work done. To combat Senioritis, parents must pay less attention to the symptoms, and more attention to the underlying issues. If you label the procrastination as laziness and avoidance, your teen gets defensive, angry, feels criticized and ends up avoiding and procrastinating even more. Not exactly the outcome you were hoping for.
Here are some of those underlying issues:
- Feeling completely overwhelmed: Seniors feel they have fallen into the deep dark hole of first, choosing schools to apply to, and then doing all those applications, essays, and finding teachers who know and like them enough to give them recommendations. This is in addition to improving or maintaining good grades, because god knows everyone keeps telling them how important those half year grades are, and by the way could you get the lead in the school play, or get a bunch of touchdowns, or do a great community service project, or, and this is only if you have time, could you cure cancer, it will look great on your college application. Not only are they feeling their own sense of impending doom about where they will end up, but they feel your expectations, their schools expectation, their friends expectations, maybe their grandparents, aunts and uncles who ask every time they see them, "so hows your college application thing going?" Imagine what it feels like to have everyone who has ever known you now so interested in the rest of your life. This is expressed through anger and avoidance.
- What if I don't get in anywhere, or if I don't get in where I want to go, or where my parents want me to go? Because your senior is so acutely aware of all that you want for him/her, and obviously of what their own fantasy/expectation is they are full of anxiety and dread for that day when the acceptances/rejections show up online or in the mail. Ultimately they feel in some way that this whole college process is like getting the biggest grade of their life on who they are. You get an A when you get in where you want to go, and a big fat F when you get rejected. The worry they feel about disappointing you and disappointing themselves is palpable, but often comes across as anger and avoidance.
- My life will be changed forever. Though your senior is excited/nervous/scared for this next step, change is not easy. Leaving you guys is terrifying, even though they aren't showing it. But believe me the more angry they act towards you, the more scared they are feeling. We call that a defense mechanism. They are terrified of leaving their friends. Their friends are their life blood, their support, their source of acceptance. Worry about being replaced, and worry that they won't ever find friends like this again can feel paralyzing, but comes across as anger and avoidance.
So you get the picture, the anger, the procrastination, the avoidance are all expressions of feeling overwhelmed, and anxious. Your teen is engaging in magical thinking. If I put this off long enough I don't have to deal with the consequences. First I want to say that all this is completely normal. This is the first and single most important decision they have had to make in their life. They have no previous experience on which to draw that it will all turn out OK. You know that it will, but they really aren't willing to take your word on that quite yet. So here is what can you do to engage them in this process without making this last year with them a complete nightmare.
Here is your 'I Get It" moment. Rather than starting every contact with them with a "Did you start your essay? Did you do your common app? Did you talk to your teachers for a recommendation? You know you're running out of time, ........"Try this instead. "I get how overwhelming this all feels. You have alot on your plate with school, and sports and college stuff, I know I would just want to get in bed and cover my head for the next 6 months. How can I/we help. I/we are happy to do whatever you need, think of me as your administrative assistant, not your boss. I don't want to have to harp on you all the time, I know how annoying that is, can we come up together with a plan? Maybe the plan includes me bugging you, but at least we're agreed that I will bug/remind you every Sunday night at 6 to complete another application. Lets try to break this all down in small things so it won't feel so overwhelming, and if I do start to annoy you let me know and I will back off for the night. I love you, and I want you to have the kinds of choices you deserve." Then develop an action plan. Sit at the computer together and have them do the writing. Print out the plan, including dates he/she hopes to have things completed and put it up in their room, the refrigerator, in the bathroom if you need to. Maybe put those Iphones, Itouches, and IPADs to good use, with text reminders for what they said they want to complete that week. Be creative, just telling them to "get it done" is not helpful, working with them to operationalize a plan is. But please, and I am begging you here, do not do it for them. Do not come up with your schedule, or your way of doing things. This is a setup for disaster, because they will not take ownership for your plan, and when you see them screwing up "your plan" the arguing commences. And by the way, no problem if you want to use some incentives, money, upgraded phones, clothes, trips to the Caribbean(only kidding on that one) hey whatever works. Businesses thrive on using incentives, if its OK in your job, why not in theirs.
This will be a challenging year, but a year full of growth for all of you. Be patient with the process, continue to "get" their struggle, and provide support and understanding. This to shall pass, and soon enough you will have the car packed ready for this next step. The arguments about applications and recommendations already forgotten. The bottom line is it will all get done, one way or another, and if it doesn't, take that as a sign that your senior is telling you that this might not be the year for college. Senior year is a right of passage for everyone. Just hold on tight and enjoy the ride.
Friday, November 12, 2010
I Love When My Parents.......
When I was thirteen years old, my father died suddenly. My mother, a stay at home mom at the time of his death, (this was 1964) was forced into a life she had not anticipated. My father, a chemist, had run his own medical laboratory, and rather than sell it, my mom stepped up to the plate. Having no experience running a business, and after having only the Shiva week (Jewish ritual of mourning) to grieve the loss of the love of her life, she entered the fray of working mother and business owner.
Needless to say, the family functioned in crisis mode. I was the youngest of four, the only girl, and I became the housekeeper, cook, laundress, answering service, and all around chirpy person. School became kind of an after thought, grades plummeted, homework seemed stupid, but thank god I had a wonderful group of friends who supported and loved me. My mom's plate was full to overflowing, and we all did what we needed to do to survive this emotional trauma.
Most of high school is a blur for me. But since my grades where nothing to be proud of, I was overweight, and besides being lost in the chorus of our high school musical, I do remember feeling like a loser and pretty invisible. This was a different time in our culture, and parenting was not something blogged about, read about or analyzed. I do remember feeling under appreciated, and undervalued. High grades, staring roles in school musicals, touchdowns and high scores on the basketball teams are tangible accomplishments to be praised, but clean clothes and tuna casserole, not so much. I definitely was not working up to my potential.
What might have helped was the kind of praise all kids crave. Remember your kids when they were eight or nine, and "Watch me mom, watch me dad, look what I can do" came out of their mouths so often that without even looking up you would reply to your praise addict:"Great job honey, or that's fantastic." As kids move into the teen years, they don't run to you anymore to show you the sticker the teacher gave them for excellent homework. Maybe they aren't such great students, or great athletes,and their room is always a disaster area, and they aren't doing their house chores, and to boot they treat you with attitude. Not alot to give praise for. But maybe the things that are successes to them have gone unrecognized, maybe being a good friend, or hanging with their younger sibling when they would rather be on facebook, or calling and having a loving conversation with a grandparent, or just hanging with you when they would rather be with their friends is cause for celebration, and a "hey that was really nice of you to hang with your brother, I know what a pain he can be, or "thanks honey for just hanging with us tonight, I love being with you, and I know you'd rather be with your friends." These small shows of appreciation, especially for those kids that aren't "the stars" can be especially meaningful.
As part of a survey I did with 60, 9th -12th graders, I asked them to fill in this blank: I love when my parents.. Here is what they said. I will let them speak for themselves:
Needless to say, the family functioned in crisis mode. I was the youngest of four, the only girl, and I became the housekeeper, cook, laundress, answering service, and all around chirpy person. School became kind of an after thought, grades plummeted, homework seemed stupid, but thank god I had a wonderful group of friends who supported and loved me. My mom's plate was full to overflowing, and we all did what we needed to do to survive this emotional trauma.
Most of high school is a blur for me. But since my grades where nothing to be proud of, I was overweight, and besides being lost in the chorus of our high school musical, I do remember feeling like a loser and pretty invisible. This was a different time in our culture, and parenting was not something blogged about, read about or analyzed. I do remember feeling under appreciated, and undervalued. High grades, staring roles in school musicals, touchdowns and high scores on the basketball teams are tangible accomplishments to be praised, but clean clothes and tuna casserole, not so much. I definitely was not working up to my potential.
What might have helped was the kind of praise all kids crave. Remember your kids when they were eight or nine, and "Watch me mom, watch me dad, look what I can do" came out of their mouths so often that without even looking up you would reply to your praise addict:"Great job honey, or that's fantastic." As kids move into the teen years, they don't run to you anymore to show you the sticker the teacher gave them for excellent homework. Maybe they aren't such great students, or great athletes,and their room is always a disaster area, and they aren't doing their house chores, and to boot they treat you with attitude. Not alot to give praise for. But maybe the things that are successes to them have gone unrecognized, maybe being a good friend, or hanging with their younger sibling when they would rather be on facebook, or calling and having a loving conversation with a grandparent, or just hanging with you when they would rather be with their friends is cause for celebration, and a "hey that was really nice of you to hang with your brother, I know what a pain he can be, or "thanks honey for just hanging with us tonight, I love being with you, and I know you'd rather be with your friends." These small shows of appreciation, especially for those kids that aren't "the stars" can be especially meaningful.
As part of a survey I did with 60, 9th -12th graders, I asked them to fill in this blank: I love when my parents.. Here is what they said. I will let them speak for themselves:
I LOVE WHEN MY PARENT (S):
- Ask me to go places with them because I really don’t get to do that a lot.
- Make me the center of attention because it makes me feel loved.
- Tell me I’m doing good, because it makes me feel good about myself.
- Praise me and say they are proud, and I love when they listen, actually listen, because it makes me feel like they are interested and proud of me.
- Spend time just watching TV with me, because I never get to spend time with them.
- Tell me when they are proud of me because it makes me feel good.
- Say good job, we knew you could do it, because it gives me confidence to succeed in life.
- Say they are proud of me to others because it shows that they notice the good things, instead of just punishing me for the bad.
- Are wicked nice to me because it makes me feel like my parents actually care.
- Say they are proud of me, it makes me feel self fulfilled.
- Aren’t rushing into conclusions about things because it makes me feel like for one second they aren’t judging me.
- Take what I say seriously and believe me because it lets me know they trust me as much as I trust them.
- Hear me out and listen to something I say, because it’s frustrating when they only listen to themselves.
- Ask me to do things with them because it’s the best.
- Talk to me, because it shows they care.
- Tell me that they trust me and that they are proud of me because I like to feel like my parents are happy with me and I don’t want to disappoint them.
- Tell me they are proud of me, because it makes me feel like I actually did some good for them.
- Can just talk and hang out and have fun with me because it makes me feel more connected and more equal.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Let your fingers do the talking, just not when you're driving
You don't need a law to tell you that texting while driving is hazardous to your health. But some people need a little push, and knowing that Big Brother is watching ready to hand out a ticket and a fine may be the motivation they need to stow away the phone.
Unfortunately since teens lead with their heart and not their brain, their worry about missing some really really really important tidbit of news overrides any worry about Big Brother or more importantly deadly car accidents. To counter this, most parents lead with parental lecture #92: Why texting and talking on your phone while driving is verboten, and if caught will be met with severe consequences."
Though well thought out and well intentioned this lecture is rarely effective. Because in the heat of the moment, when a kid gets into that car, lecture #92 is nowhere present in their immediate consciousness. It has literally gone in one ear and out the other, unless it has been paired with a concrete action plan. And this parents is the key. Because your teens cellphone is literally an extension of their body, and they are so used to feeling the weight of it in the palm of their hand, they have learned to navigate their world almost single-handedly. I am using that word in a literal sense here. Your job is not just to lecture about the dangers of driving and cellphone use, but help them to develop a game plan for what they will do with their phone to eliminate temptation when they get into the car.
Last week I asked my 60 college freshman how many of them text while driving. A depressingly large majority raised their hands. Then I asked them to visualize where their phones were when they stepped into the drivers seat, and here was the astounding response, they didn't know. They didn't know because they do not think of their phones as being a separate part of their body. It would be to them like asking where is your hand when you walk to the car. When I said, how about in your hand? They laughed at the joke, but got the message. Then I asked them to visualize where the phone was while they were driving. The two most popular answers were in their right hand or in their lap. Then we started to work on a plan. Clearly they all got that the phone needed to be in place not accessible to them while driving. The girls figured that if they put them in their bags, making sure the phone was on silent, and put the bags in the back seat, that would solve the problem, out of sight out of mind. The boys thought, putting them on silent and putting in the glove compartment, would do the trick. The learning is not someone telling them the obvious, but in helping them to develop a mindfulness about their phone, and then a plan to change the behavior.
If you have teens on the verge of becoming drivers, here is a suggestion that a parent gave me, which I thought was great. Anytime your teen is a passenger in the front seat, there is no phone use at all. In this practice you are helping your teen to associate no phone use in the front seat, which will hopefully translate to no use in the driver seat. To help enforce this, because of course you will get tremendous resistance to this, here is your " I get it" moment and what you can say to your teen:" I get how important staying in touch with your friends is, but soon you will be driving and I need to know that you are able to put away your phone and sit it out without talking or texting while driving. Having you do that with us while we are driving is a way of practicing and developing the ability to give your full attention to the road. This is obviously your choice, I am not going to make you put your phone away, though I will be happy to remind you, but when it comes time for you to get your license, it will be unlikely that I would let you drive my car unless I have complete confidence that you can be in the car without being on your phone, and I will only know that because you will have shown me. I love you and your safety is always going to be the most important thing in the world to me!"
And finally parents, and most importantly is what you do in the car with your phone. The model that you show your kids is the most powerful, more powerful than the lecture, and more powerful than the plan. Your teens are watching your every move, and if you talk or god forbid text on your phone while you are driving with them, just know that will come back to bite you on the a##. You are likely to hear: "You talk on the phone while you're driving, what's the difference? And truly there really is no answer to that. There is no correlation between driving experience and accidents with cell phone use. Twenty years as a driver, twenty days as a driver, distraction is a distraction, and your kids will see the hypocrisy if that is your argument. So when your kids, and this includes young kids or teens, are in the car while you are driving, make sure you say out loud: "shut my phone off for me, I don't want to be talking and driving. I want your kids to hear the words, so they get parked away up in that brain of theirs, so that when they get in that driver seat, they have a tape playing in their head from the most important people in their life.
Practice makes perfect!
Unfortunately since teens lead with their heart and not their brain, their worry about missing some really really really important tidbit of news overrides any worry about Big Brother or more importantly deadly car accidents. To counter this, most parents lead with parental lecture #92: Why texting and talking on your phone while driving is verboten, and if caught will be met with severe consequences."
Though well thought out and well intentioned this lecture is rarely effective. Because in the heat of the moment, when a kid gets into that car, lecture #92 is nowhere present in their immediate consciousness. It has literally gone in one ear and out the other, unless it has been paired with a concrete action plan. And this parents is the key. Because your teens cellphone is literally an extension of their body, and they are so used to feeling the weight of it in the palm of their hand, they have learned to navigate their world almost single-handedly. I am using that word in a literal sense here. Your job is not just to lecture about the dangers of driving and cellphone use, but help them to develop a game plan for what they will do with their phone to eliminate temptation when they get into the car.
Last week I asked my 60 college freshman how many of them text while driving. A depressingly large majority raised their hands. Then I asked them to visualize where their phones were when they stepped into the drivers seat, and here was the astounding response, they didn't know. They didn't know because they do not think of their phones as being a separate part of their body. It would be to them like asking where is your hand when you walk to the car. When I said, how about in your hand? They laughed at the joke, but got the message. Then I asked them to visualize where the phone was while they were driving. The two most popular answers were in their right hand or in their lap. Then we started to work on a plan. Clearly they all got that the phone needed to be in place not accessible to them while driving. The girls figured that if they put them in their bags, making sure the phone was on silent, and put the bags in the back seat, that would solve the problem, out of sight out of mind. The boys thought, putting them on silent and putting in the glove compartment, would do the trick. The learning is not someone telling them the obvious, but in helping them to develop a mindfulness about their phone, and then a plan to change the behavior.
If you have teens on the verge of becoming drivers, here is a suggestion that a parent gave me, which I thought was great. Anytime your teen is a passenger in the front seat, there is no phone use at all. In this practice you are helping your teen to associate no phone use in the front seat, which will hopefully translate to no use in the driver seat. To help enforce this, because of course you will get tremendous resistance to this, here is your " I get it" moment and what you can say to your teen:" I get how important staying in touch with your friends is, but soon you will be driving and I need to know that you are able to put away your phone and sit it out without talking or texting while driving. Having you do that with us while we are driving is a way of practicing and developing the ability to give your full attention to the road. This is obviously your choice, I am not going to make you put your phone away, though I will be happy to remind you, but when it comes time for you to get your license, it will be unlikely that I would let you drive my car unless I have complete confidence that you can be in the car without being on your phone, and I will only know that because you will have shown me. I love you and your safety is always going to be the most important thing in the world to me!"
And finally parents, and most importantly is what you do in the car with your phone. The model that you show your kids is the most powerful, more powerful than the lecture, and more powerful than the plan. Your teens are watching your every move, and if you talk or god forbid text on your phone while you are driving with them, just know that will come back to bite you on the a##. You are likely to hear: "You talk on the phone while you're driving, what's the difference? And truly there really is no answer to that. There is no correlation between driving experience and accidents with cell phone use. Twenty years as a driver, twenty days as a driver, distraction is a distraction, and your kids will see the hypocrisy if that is your argument. So when your kids, and this includes young kids or teens, are in the car while you are driving, make sure you say out loud: "shut my phone off for me, I don't want to be talking and driving. I want your kids to hear the words, so they get parked away up in that brain of theirs, so that when they get in that driver seat, they have a tape playing in their head from the most important people in their life.
Practice makes perfect!
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