The 12 Days Of School Vacation

Enjoy this time together!!! Happy Holidays ! Hopefully you'll have some laughs with this ditty, and thank yourself for all that you do for your kids!!

On the first day of vacation my kids gave to me: mornings free of "get up you're going to be late.

On the second day of vacation my kids gave to me: 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the third day of vacation my kids gave to me:the back to school of 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the fourth day of vacation my kids gave to me: 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the fifth day of vacation my kids gave to me: 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the sixth day of vacation my kids gave to me: 6 kids sleeping in the basement, 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the seventh day of vacation my kids gave to me: 7 hours of playing video games, 6 kids sleeping in the basement, 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the eighth day of vacation my kids gave to me: 8 different plans for New Years Eve, 7 hours of playing video games, 6 kids sleeping in the basement, 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the ninth day of vacation my kids gave to me: 9 texts of "can I stay out a little longer,"8 different plans for New Years Eve, 7 hours of playing video games, 6 kids sleeping in the basement, 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the tenth day of vacation my teens gave to me: 10 straight hours of sleeping, 9 texts of "can I stay out a little longer,"8 different plans for New Years Eve, 7 hours of playing video games, 6 kids sleeping in the basement, 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up, you're going to be late"

On the eleventh day of vacation my kids gave to me: 11 moans of vacation is too short, 10 straight hours of sleeping, 9 texts of "can I stay out a little longer,"8 different plans for New Years Eve, 7 hours of playing video games, 6 kids sleeping in the basement, 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

And at the end of vacation, my kids gave to me: LEAVE ME ALONE, I'M GETTING UP!!!!

Getting past the grunt: Tips on having a "real" conversation with your teen

 This may be your version of conversations with your teen:

 

              YOU                              YOUR TEEN

 

"How was your day?"                              Fine

 

"What did you do?"                                 Nothing

   

"Do you have homework?"                      Yes                             

 

"How did you do on your quiz?                Fine

 

What are doing today/tonight?                 Don't know

 

Is Everything OK?                                    It's fine!!!!!!!!

 

 

These are such unsatisfying interactions for parents. What you are craving for, dying for, down on your knees begging for, is some small nugget, some essence of what your teen's life is really like. Asking yes/no questions won't get you there. I guarantee it! You have a checklist and you systematically go through it question by question with your teen, hoping and praying you’ll find out something about his day, and his life. But unfortunately, you get NADA! But does that deter you to stop the interrogation? No! You just keep asking more and more questions. Why is that? Because parents are desperate for information. You have become complete information junkies about your kids. Starting in preschool, your kids’ teachers sent home cute little notes in the lunchbox, describing the quality and quantity of their poops, the lunch remains so you could keep tabs on the day’s calorie count, how many minutes the nap lasted and the progress of their social networking (i.e. who they played with and the frequency of hitting and biting.) Then in elementary school, your kids fed your addiction by providing you with every tiny morsel of information about every minute of their lives, to the point where you had information overdose and wished they would just shut up! Now that your kids are teens, your position has changed. You have lost some of your executive privileges, such as information and access on demand. They no longer want to tell you everything, and they resent your constant badgering. 

 

Here are some conversation openers. But timing is everything. If your teen has just woken up, just walked in the door or gotten into the car with you, beware! Teens need time to make transitions between sleep time and wake time, friends and home or school and home. Remember when they were babies, and they had just woken from a nap and were cranky, or you took them to a family party, and they clung to your legs until they got acclimated...well it's kinda the same thing now. Give them some time to acclimate to the change in scenery before you try to engage them in conversation. And when you do.....

 

 

·      Don't ask a yes/no question unless that is the kind of answer you are looking for.

 

·      Using starters like How was.... are too easy to be answered with a one word grunt. (see above)

 

·      Try starting with a "tell me about.." but with something more specific than general. For example: "So tell me, what was the hardest part of your quiz today? I know I used to hate those fill in the blank questions..... “VS “how was your quiz?" Give them an example of the kind of information you are looking for. Honestly, many teens have a hard time distilling all the input from their day and putting it into words. That's usually why they give you the one-word answers like "fine"

 

·      Start with a statement rather than a question. For example: God, you are taking so many different classes this year, so much work, which homework is easiest to get started with? VS How much homework do you have?

 

·      Use humor, and friendly sarcasm. When you are too serious, your teen senses your neediness for answers and will do anything and everything to fend you off?

 

·      Instead of a face-to-face questioning session. Go out for ice cream, bring up a snack to their room, watch a TV show, play a video game with them, and in a nonchalant way, at the commercial, or while you’re driving or during the game say:  “So, What’s up? You seem a little down today, or angry or overwhelmed.” Telling them what you see, rather than asking directly what’s wrong, can open things up. 

 

As you know from watching two many bad interviews on television getting someone to open up is an art form. Just ask Oprah!

          

GOING BACK TO SCHOOL: WHAT COLLEGE FRESHMAN HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THEIR PARENTS!

 Each semester I ask my 60 freshman college students to reflect on their life as  teens prior to college. I asked them to complete these two statements: I wish my parents had..., and I am glad that my parents.....After each statement, I've got something to say(in italics)!  Of course I do! I have narrowed them down to the 5 most frequent responses.

• I wish my parents knew how much I actually loved and respected them instead of taking my mistakes personally. Too often parents see themselves reflected in their kids, both in their triumphs, and in their downfalls.  Whatever your teen accomplishes or doesn't accomplish is on them!  If they do well it doesn't mean you are the greatest parent in the world, and if they fail, it doesn't mean you are the worst parent in the world. Cause guess what? It isn't always about you!     

• I wish my parents had understood how scared I was about my future in high school, and the pressure I felt to succeed.  I know how worried parents get about their teens future. Your teens feel your worry, and your disappointment. Layered on that is their own worry and disappointment when they don't do as well as they want, even when they know it's their own fault.  When they are worried and scared and disappointed, it often shows itself with anger and attitude. That is much easier to express then shame and doubt. Try to see through it!    

• I wish my parents hadn't compared me with my other siblings, and pressured me to meet their high standards. We are not the same. Another student said on the same topic: I wish my parents understood that I am not following in my brother's footsteps. I 'm not going to do everything like him. I am going to make my own mistakes. All children are not created equal. You may think that you treat all your kids equally, but those kids who don't measure up to what they believe the family standard is may always feel not good enough unless you make a supreme effort to make them think otherwise.    

• I wish my parents had understood how their divorce effects me today. They tried to drag me in the middle, and I always felt I had to fend for myself. Families face all kinds of crisis.  Divorce, chronic illness, financial worries, moves away from friends, all manner of life events. Teens are resilient, they can handle alot, but they need the adults in their life to have realistic expectations. When you are overwhelmed with your stress it can overshadow what your kids might be experiencing. They are not good at talking about it, and it may look as if they have it all under control. Trust me, they don't!   

• I wish my parents had been more aware of the mistakes I was making in high school by paying more attention and helping me. and another student:I wish my parents had been more aware of my relationship so I had someone to talk to when things got physical and bad. and another student: I wish my parents had understood I wanted them to push me harder through school/soccer. and another student: I wish my parents had pushed me to try new things, ie sports, clubs,  or summer camp. and another student: I wish my parents had pushed me more to want to get better grades, and to care more about school work. and another student: I wish my parents had taught me better homework study habits and were more involved academically. I could go on here, there are many more statements on this theme. I bet what these students are saying is surprising. Because  I'm sure every time you go into your teen's room to make sure they are doing their homework, they give you the evil eye. Well guess what, when they get to college and no one is giving them the evil eye they often don't get their work done. Don't stop bugging them, just cause they tell you to. They need you to help them integrate good study habits.  Too much instagram and tic tock, too much texting, too much distraction. They also want you to push them a little harder to help them find something that will give them a feeling of accomplishment, especially if it isn't school. Don't let them off  the hook easily when it comes to after-school expectations. Sometimes it's not that they don't want to do anything, they just can't figure out what the something should be. Bottom line, though they tell you to get out of their lives, they don't really mean it. 

Perhaps you are feeling a bit discouraged after reading my students write about all the things they wish their parents had done differently to prepare them for the rest of their life. Here is the good news, there are many things their parents did right and that they are grateful for. You know there is always yin and yang. Personal growth is a gift we give to ourselves!!! And hopefully by modeling we give that gift to our kids!!

I'm glad my parents:

• Didn't punish me every time I made a mistake or got a bad grade.
• Were honest, and didn't pretend that they were perfect teenagers.
• Taught me to work for what I wanted instead of just expecting to get it.
• Were always there for me.
• Taught me about taking personal responsibility while still providing a support system.
• Made me get a job.
• Didn't embarrass me in public or with my friends.
• Told me how proud they were of me.
• Gave me space when necessary.
• Have always been supportive and accepted my choices even if they disagreed.
• Limited TV and computer use.
• Made a home-cooked meal every night.
• Made me work for my money.
• Were on my ass about my grades.
• Amazing listeners and gave extremely good advice.
• Told me what I did wrong without hurting my self-esteem.
• Made me do my homework.
• Taught me self-respect.
• Took time out to listen to my ideas and interests.
• Pushed me to try new things.
• Loved me and showed me they cared.
• Taught me that nothing is handed to you in life.  
• Told me to follow my dreams and be who I want to be.
• Didn't necessarily punish me for the things I did wrong, but explained it was wrong and they were "disappointed." 
• Taught me to save money.
• Were open about drinking, and weren't unrealistic about partying, and we could talk about it. 
• Had a sense of humor.
• Always ate dinner with me.
• Spent time with me.
• Let me learn on my own and made me independent

In the moment, teens cannot absorb all that you do for them. The good news is that when they leave for whatever comes after high school, gratitude kicks in! Rather than being dismissive of the attention you gave them in their teen years, they crave it! Rather than being a spoiled brat because you didn't make the meal they wanted, the now crave any food that you give them. So be patient, when the conplex world of being a teen eases and they move into young adulthood, they love you so much they may never leave home!!!!!

FOR PARENT COACHING:

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FOR INFO ABOUT LET'S HAVE A KITCHEN CONVERSATION, LUNCH WITH JOANI

CALL 781-910-1770

JOANI@JOANIGELTMAN.COM

Connecting With Your Teen Is Not always Easy

One of the major tasks of Adolescence is to develop a personal identity; what are my values, my interests, my passions, what are the qualities I look for in friends and lovers, what is my sexual identity, what are my goals? etc.  Part of this process is also to look closely at the people who raised them, and analyze how they are both different and the same from them. I always say that having a teen in the house is like having your own personal therapist. With this new brain of theirs, they are able to really look at you without the cloud of perfection that hovered over you in their childhood. Why the hell do these kids have to grow up?????? They are now free to share with you their thoughts and ideas about you! Unfortunately much of what they share is the stuff we already don't like about ourselves. Having them be so honest can be very uncomfortable. But if you can listen without hurt or defensiveness, you might learn something new and potentially useful about yourself. More importantly it is part of the process of figuring out who they are.

As teens start thinking for themselves, they might start to go down paths that parents aren't comfortable with. I'm not talking about unsafe or risky behavior, but life choices about what they like to do, where they might want to go to college, and ultimately what they want to do with their life. Most parents have dreams for their kids. In healthy families, parents keep those dreams to themselves waiting to see what path their children seem most interested in, even if it means parents giving up their own dreams for their kids. In some families, parent's dreams for their kids is more of a requirement than an option. We call that Identity foreclosure, when the option of choosing one's own identity is taken away from them. The following paragraphs are answers to a question on the final exam I gave last week, asking students to choose the identity type that most describes their experience with this process. These students have answered identity foreclosure.

Food for thought:

"My parents forced me to go to all elite catholic schools form kindergarten to college. I  was never allowed to get anything below a B or I would be in serious trouble. I am now not a catholic."

"My parents picked nursing school for me. they said they would only pay for college if I went for nursing. My mom graduated from a nursing program and really wanted me to go."

"My parents control most if not all decisions made in my life. If they think that this is the best decision for my future they will push me toward that path without acknowledging my concerns."

"Everyone in my family is in the medical field and my parents urged me to become a nurse. I was pushed to pursue this.

Our kids are not mirror images of us. (thank god, I think my daughter is way more interesting than me). They may be living a life as a teen that is completely unfamiliar to you, your interests, and maybe what you were like as a teen. I made this film (link below) to help parents to build a bridge between who you are and what your expectations are for your teen, and respecting who they are becoming!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzpwSYP-Id0 

Get a group together of fellow parents, and join me at my house for A KITCHEN CONVERSATION.  I will cook for your group and provide 2 hours of expert parenting advice geared to your needs and interests. Organizer attends for free!!! email me for more information:joani@joanigeltman.com or call 781-910-1770.