The 12 Days Of School Vacation

Enjoy this time together!!! Happy Holidays ! Hopefully you'll have some laughs with this ditty, and thank yourself for all that you do for your kids!!

On the first day of vacation my kids gave to me: mornings free of "get up you're going to be late.

On the second day of vacation my kids gave to me: 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the third day of vacation my kids gave to me:the back to school of 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the fourth day of vacation my kids gave to me: 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the fifth day of vacation my kids gave to me: 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the sixth day of vacation my kids gave to me: 6 kids sleeping in the basement, 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the seventh day of vacation my kids gave to me: 7 hours of playing video games, 6 kids sleeping in the basement, 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the eighth day of vacation my kids gave to me: 8 different plans for New Years Eve, 7 hours of playing video games, 6 kids sleeping in the basement, 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the ninth day of vacation my kids gave to me: 9 texts of "can I stay out a little longer,"8 different plans for New Years Eve, 7 hours of playing video games, 6 kids sleeping in the basement, 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

On the tenth day of vacation my teens gave to me: 10 straight hours of sleeping, 9 texts of "can I stay out a little longer,"8 different plans for New Years Eve, 7 hours of playing video games, 6 kids sleeping in the basement, 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up, you're going to be late"

On the eleventh day of vacation my kids gave to me: 11 moans of vacation is too short, 10 straight hours of sleeping, 9 texts of "can I stay out a little longer,"8 different plans for New Years Eve, 7 hours of playing video games, 6 kids sleeping in the basement, 5 minutes of peace, 4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners, 3 ride requests, 2 loads of laundry and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late"

And at the end of vacation, my kids gave to me: LEAVE ME ALONE, I'M GETTING UP!!!!

Getting past the grunt: Tips on having a "real" conversation with your teen

 This may be your version of conversations with your teen:

 

              YOU                              YOUR TEEN

 

"How was your day?"                              Fine

 

"What did you do?"                                 Nothing

   

"Do you have homework?"                      Yes                             

 

"How did you do on your quiz?                Fine

 

What are doing today/tonight?                 Don't know

 

Is Everything OK?                                    It's fine!!!!!!!!

 

 

These are such unsatisfying interactions for parents. What you are craving for, dying for, down on your knees begging for, is some small nugget, some essence of what your teen's life is really like. Asking yes/no questions won't get you there. I guarantee it! You have a checklist and you systematically go through it question by question with your teen, hoping and praying you’ll find out something about his day, and his life. But unfortunately, you get NADA! But does that deter you to stop the interrogation? No! You just keep asking more and more questions. Why is that? Because parents are desperate for information. You have become complete information junkies about your kids. Starting in preschool, your kids’ teachers sent home cute little notes in the lunchbox, describing the quality and quantity of their poops, the lunch remains so you could keep tabs on the day’s calorie count, how many minutes the nap lasted and the progress of their social networking (i.e. who they played with and the frequency of hitting and biting.) Then in elementary school, your kids fed your addiction by providing you with every tiny morsel of information about every minute of their lives, to the point where you had information overdose and wished they would just shut up! Now that your kids are teens, your position has changed. You have lost some of your executive privileges, such as information and access on demand. They no longer want to tell you everything, and they resent your constant badgering. 

 

Here are some conversation openers. But timing is everything. If your teen has just woken up, just walked in the door or gotten into the car with you, beware! Teens need time to make transitions between sleep time and wake time, friends and home or school and home. Remember when they were babies, and they had just woken from a nap and were cranky, or you took them to a family party, and they clung to your legs until they got acclimated...well it's kinda the same thing now. Give them some time to acclimate to the change in scenery before you try to engage them in conversation. And when you do.....

 

 

·      Don't ask a yes/no question unless that is the kind of answer you are looking for.

 

·      Using starters like How was.... are too easy to be answered with a one word grunt. (see above)

 

·      Try starting with a "tell me about.." but with something more specific than general. For example: "So tell me, what was the hardest part of your quiz today? I know I used to hate those fill in the blank questions..... “VS “how was your quiz?" Give them an example of the kind of information you are looking for. Honestly, many teens have a hard time distilling all the input from their day and putting it into words. That's usually why they give you the one-word answers like "fine"

 

·      Start with a statement rather than a question. For example: God, you are taking so many different classes this year, so much work, which homework is easiest to get started with? VS How much homework do you have?

 

·      Use humor, and friendly sarcasm. When you are too serious, your teen senses your neediness for answers and will do anything and everything to fend you off?

 

·      Instead of a face-to-face questioning session. Go out for ice cream, bring up a snack to their room, watch a TV show, play a video game with them, and in a nonchalant way, at the commercial, or while you’re driving or during the game say:  “So, What’s up? You seem a little down today, or angry or overwhelmed.” Telling them what you see, rather than asking directly what’s wrong, can open things up. 

 

As you know from watching two many bad interviews on television getting someone to open up is an art form. Just ask Oprah!

          

GOING BACK TO SCHOOL: WHAT COLLEGE FRESHMAN HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THEIR PARENTS!

 Each semester I ask my 60 freshman college students to reflect on their life as  teens prior to college. I asked them to complete these two statements: I wish my parents had..., and I am glad that my parents.....After each statement, I've got something to say(in italics)!  Of course I do! I have narrowed them down to the 5 most frequent responses.

• I wish my parents knew how much I actually loved and respected them instead of taking my mistakes personally. Too often parents see themselves reflected in their kids, both in their triumphs, and in their downfalls.  Whatever your teen accomplishes or doesn't accomplish is on them!  If they do well it doesn't mean you are the greatest parent in the world, and if they fail, it doesn't mean you are the worst parent in the world. Cause guess what? It isn't always about you!     

• I wish my parents had understood how scared I was about my future in high school, and the pressure I felt to succeed.  I know how worried parents get about their teens future. Your teens feel your worry, and your disappointment. Layered on that is their own worry and disappointment when they don't do as well as they want, even when they know it's their own fault.  When they are worried and scared and disappointed, it often shows itself with anger and attitude. That is much easier to express then shame and doubt. Try to see through it!    

• I wish my parents hadn't compared me with my other siblings, and pressured me to meet their high standards. We are not the same. Another student said on the same topic: I wish my parents understood that I am not following in my brother's footsteps. I 'm not going to do everything like him. I am going to make my own mistakes. All children are not created equal. You may think that you treat all your kids equally, but those kids who don't measure up to what they believe the family standard is may always feel not good enough unless you make a supreme effort to make them think otherwise.    

• I wish my parents had understood how their divorce effects me today. They tried to drag me in the middle, and I always felt I had to fend for myself. Families face all kinds of crisis.  Divorce, chronic illness, financial worries, moves away from friends, all manner of life events. Teens are resilient, they can handle alot, but they need the adults in their life to have realistic expectations. When you are overwhelmed with your stress it can overshadow what your kids might be experiencing. They are not good at talking about it, and it may look as if they have it all under control. Trust me, they don't!   

• I wish my parents had been more aware of the mistakes I was making in high school by paying more attention and helping me. and another student:I wish my parents had been more aware of my relationship so I had someone to talk to when things got physical and bad. and another student: I wish my parents had understood I wanted them to push me harder through school/soccer. and another student: I wish my parents had pushed me to try new things, ie sports, clubs,  or summer camp. and another student: I wish my parents had pushed me more to want to get better grades, and to care more about school work. and another student: I wish my parents had taught me better homework study habits and were more involved academically. I could go on here, there are many more statements on this theme. I bet what these students are saying is surprising. Because  I'm sure every time you go into your teen's room to make sure they are doing their homework, they give you the evil eye. Well guess what, when they get to college and no one is giving them the evil eye they often don't get their work done. Don't stop bugging them, just cause they tell you to. They need you to help them integrate good study habits.  Too much instagram and tic tock, too much texting, too much distraction. They also want you to push them a little harder to help them find something that will give them a feeling of accomplishment, especially if it isn't school. Don't let them off  the hook easily when it comes to after-school expectations. Sometimes it's not that they don't want to do anything, they just can't figure out what the something should be. Bottom line, though they tell you to get out of their lives, they don't really mean it. 

Perhaps you are feeling a bit discouraged after reading my students write about all the things they wish their parents had done differently to prepare them for the rest of their life. Here is the good news, there are many things their parents did right and that they are grateful for. You know there is always yin and yang. Personal growth is a gift we give to ourselves!!! And hopefully by modeling we give that gift to our kids!!

I'm glad my parents:

• Didn't punish me every time I made a mistake or got a bad grade.
• Were honest, and didn't pretend that they were perfect teenagers.
• Taught me to work for what I wanted instead of just expecting to get it.
• Were always there for me.
• Taught me about taking personal responsibility while still providing a support system.
• Made me get a job.
• Didn't embarrass me in public or with my friends.
• Told me how proud they were of me.
• Gave me space when necessary.
• Have always been supportive and accepted my choices even if they disagreed.
• Limited TV and computer use.
• Made a home-cooked meal every night.
• Made me work for my money.
• Were on my ass about my grades.
• Amazing listeners and gave extremely good advice.
• Told me what I did wrong without hurting my self-esteem.
• Made me do my homework.
• Taught me self-respect.
• Took time out to listen to my ideas and interests.
• Pushed me to try new things.
• Loved me and showed me they cared.
• Taught me that nothing is handed to you in life.  
• Told me to follow my dreams and be who I want to be.
• Didn't necessarily punish me for the things I did wrong, but explained it was wrong and they were "disappointed." 
• Taught me to save money.
• Were open about drinking, and weren't unrealistic about partying, and we could talk about it. 
• Had a sense of humor.
• Always ate dinner with me.
• Spent time with me.
• Let me learn on my own and made me independent

In the moment, teens cannot absorb all that you do for them. The good news is that when they leave for whatever comes after high school, gratitude kicks in! Rather than being dismissive of the attention you gave them in their teen years, they crave it! Rather than being a spoiled brat because you didn't make the meal they wanted, the now crave any food that you give them. So be patient, when the conplex world of being a teen eases and they move into young adulthood, they love you so much they may never leave home!!!!!

FOR PARENT COACHING:

FOR SEMINAR PRESENTATIONS:

FOR INFO ABOUT LET'S HAVE A KITCHEN CONVERSATION, LUNCH WITH JOANI

CALL 781-910-1770

JOANI@JOANIGELTMAN.COM

Connecting With Your Teen Is Not always Easy

One of the major tasks of Adolescence is to develop a personal identity; what are my values, my interests, my passions, what are the qualities I look for in friends and lovers, what is my sexual identity, what are my goals? etc.  Part of this process is also to look closely at the people who raised them, and analyze how they are both different and the same from them. I always say that having a teen in the house is like having your own personal therapist. With this new brain of theirs, they are able to really look at you without the cloud of perfection that hovered over you in their childhood. Why the hell do these kids have to grow up?????? They are now free to share with you their thoughts and ideas about you! Unfortunately much of what they share is the stuff we already don't like about ourselves. Having them be so honest can be very uncomfortable. But if you can listen without hurt or defensiveness, you might learn something new and potentially useful about yourself. More importantly it is part of the process of figuring out who they are.

As teens start thinking for themselves, they might start to go down paths that parents aren't comfortable with. I'm not talking about unsafe or risky behavior, but life choices about what they like to do, where they might want to go to college, and ultimately what they want to do with their life. Most parents have dreams for their kids. In healthy families, parents keep those dreams to themselves waiting to see what path their children seem most interested in, even if it means parents giving up their own dreams for their kids. In some families, parent's dreams for their kids is more of a requirement than an option. We call that Identity foreclosure, when the option of choosing one's own identity is taken away from them. The following paragraphs are answers to a question on the final exam I gave last week, asking students to choose the identity type that most describes their experience with this process. These students have answered identity foreclosure.

Food for thought:

"My parents forced me to go to all elite catholic schools form kindergarten to college. I  was never allowed to get anything below a B or I would be in serious trouble. I am now not a catholic."

"My parents picked nursing school for me. they said they would only pay for college if I went for nursing. My mom graduated from a nursing program and really wanted me to go."

"My parents control most if not all decisions made in my life. If they think that this is the best decision for my future they will push me toward that path without acknowledging my concerns."

"Everyone in my family is in the medical field and my parents urged me to become a nurse. I was pushed to pursue this.

Our kids are not mirror images of us. (thank god, I think my daughter is way more interesting than me). They may be living a life as a teen that is completely unfamiliar to you, your interests, and maybe what you were like as a teen. I made this film (link below) to help parents to build a bridge between who you are and what your expectations are for your teen, and respecting who they are becoming!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzpwSYP-Id0 

Get a group together of fellow parents, and join me at my house for A KITCHEN CONVERSATION.  I will cook for your group and provide 2 hours of expert parenting advice geared to your needs and interests. Organizer attends for free!!! email me for more information:joani@joanigeltman.com or call 781-910-1770.

A Roadmap For Parenting

This is a blog I wrote 4 years ago. Scrolling through my blogs this morning trying to get inspiration, I came upon this one. Since the beginning of pandemic, writing my weekly blogs became a slog! My motivation just went out the window. I am happy to say that after a hard fall, I feel a renewed sense of purpose. I hope my Monday morning posts will be helpful. Please email me if there is something you would like me to write about! Anyway... having just spent a beautiful thanksgiving with my daughter and her partner, coming upon this particular blog felt like "bashert" which is a yiddish word for something that it is meant to be. 

Parenting a teen can be a slog, let's face it! It's not like at the end of every day your kid throws their arms around you and thanks you for all the things you do for them. Talk about delayed gratification!!! That is really the reward of parenting. All the hard work and hard times you are experiencing now and the less the always loving reception you get for your teen is really just a moment in time! In the many years that follow, when your teen becomes a young adult and adult, those hugs  and word of appreciation will be ever present. Just not right now. This blog reminded me of all the yin and yang of parenting; When to set the limit, and when to step back and let your teen take the steering wheel both metaphorically and practically. Too bad those signs that sit in the back window of your card NEW  DRIVER can't also say, I'm a teen, and I make mistakes! 

Anyway, I'm rambling..... read on and enjoy and I'll see you every Monday!! Follow me on facebook!

PS: I am starting a new venture: Let's Have a Kitchen Conversation. I am passionate about cooking and passionate about helping parents. I thought, why not combine the two? Parents deserve a bit of nurturing for themselves after these hellish 2 years! So put a group together, 8-10 people, and come to my house for lunch. I can do weekends as well. At these lunches you will get great food and two hours of tailored to your needs, parenting advice. Email me at joani@joanigeltman.com or call 781-910-1770 for more info!!

 I just returned from a quick trip to LA where I was honored to receive the Judy and Hilary Swank Award for Parenting given by the Actors Fund Looking Ahead Program, which serves young actors and their parents. When I was called and told I would be receiving this award, I thought every parent should receive this award in recognition of the hard but rewarding job of being a parent! So I share this award with all parents!!! The first thing of course I did was to cry! This award recognizes a parent who has raised a young actor who has gone on to become an exceptional adult actor and all around wonderful person, which my 35 year old daughter certainly is!! I wanted to share with you my acceptance speech. Though geared to raising a child heading towards a professional career as an actor, I think it applies to raising any child with a passion whether it be sports or music, or art or leadership or academics or community service or for being a great friend and all around wonderful kid!  I hope you enjoy!! Here goes...

When Ari was a little girl, we introduced her to an array of activities, but what captured her heart was her first grade play.  She had found her passion at age 6.  There was no question that we were in 100%.  Finding our role in all of this wasn’t always easy. We had no roadmap and we had to figure out how to manage and balance our own lives with the demands of Ari’s busy career. 

We took our cues from Ari.  There were boundaries, unspoken but abided by. We were NOT her managers, her directors, or her agents; We were her parents. We were her uber drivers, chaperones, food service workers, appointment secretaries, and her most ardent supporters. We did not coach her on scripts, give feedback on her performances, or tell her what project she should do; that was not what she needed from us. She had her own mind, and eventually, “her people” for that. What we could do, as her parents, was to give her the freedom, opportunity and commitment to follow her dream.

Sometimes we were faced with decisions and dilemmas that challenged our roles as parents. Like when Ari was 13, she was lucky enough to be cast as the fool in an all women’s Shakespeare company production of King Lear. Ari was the only child and non-equity performer. They were to be in residence at Smith College for the summer and then go on the road for several weeks with the show. Because Ari was not equity, there was no place for me, both literally and figuratively.  But we figured it out. I slept on the floor of her tiny room and stayed out of the way until and unless Ari needed me. As the cast became a family and Ari felt ready to take on some independence, I took my leave. All that she learned that summer as a 13 year old is still very important to her. Just 2 years ago the company reunited in Scotland to perform together. Relationships and the work families she has become a part of had their beginnings in these early experiences, and I am so glad I didn’t let my own anxiety get the best of me. 

When Ari was 15 she was in a production at the Huntington Theater in Boston, where we live.  As often was the case, Ari was again the youngest in the cast by many years. Again she became part of her stage family. Her stage brother then 25 most especially. After the production ended, Michael invited Ari to New York City to stay with him and his then boyfriend. So I put her on the train, and off she went. My friends were aghast. "You’re letting her travel alone on the train?" "You’re letting her stay with two 25-year-old men, what are you thinking?" Here’s what I was thinking,. My only child now has a brother, an amazing man who loves and cares about her enough to invite her into his life. And now here we are 20 years later, Michael, here in the audience, is one of my most cherished friends, and is still, and will be forever, Ari’s family. Now she is Auntie Ari as Michael and Brian’s family has grown by two beautiful babies. The Power of relationship!!

In the summer before Ari’s senior year in high school we were in LA auditioning, and she landed a test for a pilot to shoot immediately. I really didn’t understand and was clueless that this meant she would need to sign a contract in 24 hours that might determine her life for the next 5 years. I felt strongly that you only get one senior year of high school. Ari was engaged in and loved her school, had amazing friends, and wanted some college experience. This opportunity could potentially erase this year of that life. Ultimately I had to make the call, Ari WOULD be going back for her senior year- no pilot! I felt no ambivalence about my decision.  But I understood completely and my heart broke for the pain and disappointment Ari was feeling.  I think in the end the lesson Ari took away from this experience was to really understand what is most important in life, and sometimes that means making really hard decisions. 

I have been so inspired by those kinds of hard decisions Ari now makes about her career and her life. She has stayed really true to herself about the work and the art she wants to put out into the world, even when it is not the most popular decision. If even a little bit of this came from that hard day almost 20 years ago in LA, I will be grateful.  

This is a tough business, so much of what an actor has to cope with are decisions made about them beyond their control. As a parent this can feel absolutely excruciating, unfair and yes, sometimes even cruel. Our instinct is to want to protect our children and fix it!  Over the years I have learned from Ari that what she needs from me in these moments is not advice, but instead a safe and loving space to be understood, with the freedom to experience and express her feelings. This lesson has probably been the hardest (still working on it) but honestly it is the most valuable and powerful one for me as both a mother and a professional.

As a parenting expert and writer, I am as passionate about my work as Ari is about hers, and I know that my experience raising my dedicated, and extraordinary daughter informs much of who I am and what I teach parents today. I have learned so much from her. She continually challenges herself to live a life full of integrity, purpose, passion, and authenticity. To learn, to experience, to take risks, to love and most importantly to find the power within herself to live a fulfilling life as both an artist and a woman.

A family's story raising 19 exceptional kids!

 I watched a documentary movie this weekend called Who Are The Debolts and Where Did They Get 19 Children? You can find it on netflix or Amazon, and it will give you the secret to parenting and raising exceptional kids. It starts circa 1973. Dorothy and Bob marry, the second marriage for both. Together they have 4 biological children. And then the fun begins. They decide to adopt and adopt and adopt and adopt until they finally have 19 children. I know...seriously! I have an only child! The children they adopt were complicated. Some came from the last airlift out of Vietnam, traumatized both emotionally and physically from war. Some were from Korea, and some from the US. All had special needs. Many had serious physical disabilities. One of their daughters, Karen had no natural limbs, using prosthetics for both her arms and her legs. Other children had polio, or missing limbs and seriously handicapped, others blind. Like I said this is a complicated family. I cried the whole way through. (but in a good way)

What was their secret? Their secret and the gift they gave to their kids was that every single one of them, no matter how disabled, were expected to be their best. Not over and above, and not with pressured expectations, just with the belief that they were "able" to do whatever they set their minds to do. Bob and Dorothy would be there to support, but not cajole, convince or coddle. It's hard even to describe the "ableness" of these disabled kids, because they believed and saw themselves as mobile and as intelligent and as independent and "able" as any non-disabled child. Watching 9 yr old Karen, putting on her prosthetic limbs and then dressing herself was a feat worthy of an Olympic medal. Watching kids manage a grand staircase with crutches and braces on their own is awe inspiring. Watching the absolute love and affection shared among each other, and watching the fun these parents shared with their children support the notion that raising kids who believe in themselves, who want to challenge themselves to become the independent and successful adults we want all our children to become is really quite simple. Allow and encourage your kids to take risks and to challenge their comfort zone, provide support and expectations without pressure, and have fun...lots of fun.

Maybe you see your teen as having a rough time of it. Covid has certainly contributed to major stress in our kids and in ourselves. Maybe he/she struggles academically, or socially, or suffers from depression or anxiety. Or maybe your family is in crisis with a divorce or major illness in in the family, and you're worried that your teen is overwhelmed with the family situation.  Do you find yourself having lower expectations of them, worrying about stressing them out? Sometimes kids can internalize these low expectations and begin to think, well if my parents don't push me it must be because they really don't think I can do it, whatever the "it" is.

Or, on the other hand, do you have extremely high expectations, and anything less than almost perfect is not good enough. A number of my college students have described these kinds of expectations from parents. One of my students, having received a B+ on a major paper was devastated, and in tears worried that her father would be mad. He expected her to get all A's.

Sometimes in our effort to help move our children forward, we "over help." When they need to do volunteer work we find it for them, making calls to friends or colleagues that might take them on, or summer jobs we put out all the feelers to make that happen. We edit their papers, give them the topics they should pursue for big projects, or pay them for good grades to help motivate them. The problem with this kind of "help" especially in our current culture of instant gratification, is that our teens never learn to deal with the slog of the actual work it takes to live a life. "Alexa....am I right!!??" The pride kids feel after doing something they didn't think they could do is what drives us to want to challenge ourselves more. Recently I ordered an exercise bicycle from Amazon. It came in a million little pieces. As I laid it all out, I thought, well I'll never know what its like to sit on this bike! But somewhere down deep I said fuck it!!! I can do this.!And an hour later I was pedaling away. "I did it all by myself" and honestly I am still feeling the pride and glow of accomplishment.

I did some research to see how the Debolt kids in this special family fared as adults. All of them were living and working independently, most married with children and in loving relationships. Bob and Dorothy sold the family home in Southern California and retired to Northern California, wishing their  kids well in their successful, and independent lives.

I walked away from this movie with so many life lessons. But also seeing the damage that our present technological culture is reaping onto our children. This was 1973, no computers, or cellphones. Kids were outside in nature, playing and discovering. The house was full of music and art and creativity. Bob and Dorothy took time for each child individually, making each of them feel important and unique. They opened the doors to the world both physically and metaphorically and expected that their kids would master it...and they did


Also I'm  booking winter and spring zoom parenting seminars for schools, companies and community organizations. joani@joanigeltman.com for more info!

 I am always available for short term parent coaching by phone and zoom. So no matter where you live, I'm only a phone call away. contact me at joani@joanigeltman.com

Creating Empathy And Understanding

 In honor of Holocaust Remembrance day yesterday, I wrote this blog.

Recently there has been a rash of school related racist and anti-semitic incidents; football plays being named using holocaust language. Rascist and anti-semitic social media posts, and graffiti in bathrooms, and on school walls. The good news is that there is a long overdue heightened awareness and community involvement in addressing it. Does this mean that teens are racist, anti-Semitic? No!!

There is no excuse for these hurtful words and actions. It is the job of families, schools, and communities to teach and model compassion, and to help children understand the affects that words have. For every thing said, someone is affected. But just because teens say it, doesn’t mean that they believe it. And before we start putting detrimental life long labels on teens that may have acted without thinking, it’s important to understand where they’re coming from.

Research has shown that the teen brain is much more activated in the amygdala, (the feeling center) than in the frontal cortex, (the thinking center). This is why teens feel first and think later! The brain’s natural edit button, letting us know when to keep our thoughts to ourselves, is not yet fully operational. Teens can say and do things that can be hurtful and even dangerous. Just ask any parent of a teen!! 

Adding to this over-reactive and emotional brain is the hyper-self-consciousness that all teens feel. David Elkind, author of the book: All Grown Up and No Place To Go, calls this the “imaginary audience.” In adolescence, a new level of thinking emerges, resulting in a hyper-awareness of what other people are thinking about them. This results in the influence of peer pressure, and worry that not conforming to the group norm presented to them, might result in the dreaded exclusion and humiliation. This can cause teens to behave in ways contrary to what they know to be right. If your crowd at a school’s sporting event starts chanting, “You killed Jesus,”regardless of your own beliefs, the need to be invisible and a part of the crowd, can trump the measuring of right and wrong. Better to be bad than to be shunned! This is powerful stuff to a vulnerable teen.

Teens are also naturally self-centered, narcissistic, and egocentric due to this excess of emotion, and self-consciousness. (Don’t worry, they outgrow this) Often their ability to see and/or care about another person’s perspective no matter how much they have hurt, disrespected, and maybe even threatened them, can be clouded. 

And finally, as teens seek to develop their identity, they are bombarded with incoming new perceptions of the world. Certainly family and community are big influencers, as is the media. The presidential election, COVID mask and vaccine mandates,voting rights debate, are all perfect examples of highly emotional, name-calling, racial stereotyping, bullying, and physical altercations, sanctioned by adults! (So be careful how you talk about this at home.) All this is tailor made modeling for the drama teens crave. Most teens won’t read the full article in the Boston Globe, analyzing the intricacies of the political game, but instead will see the attention that bad behavior receives. Bring it on, consequences be damned!

So, a highly emotional brain; a hyper-sense of self-consciousness; a lack of experience in the world, developmental narcissism; impulsivity, a sense of invincibility, and a culture that loves bad behavior, that’s a loaded deck for a teen! As I say, these are not excuses, just explanations. Simply telling teens to be better, be kinder, respect differences, and then meting out consequences when boundaries are crossed, will alone not change behavior. What changes behavior, is to provide strategy and experience. Most teens stay close to what is familiar. So much of their life feels out of control; their brain, their body, their feelings, and their future, that they don’t venture much out of their comfort zone. Kids stake out their territory whether in the school cafeteria, or in their communities. This can make people who are different from them seem more threatening. 

So here is what you can do:

• Challenge teen’s thinking in stereotypes. Provide teens with structured opportunities to get to know people who differ from them. At the 22nd Annual Youth Congress, students suggested  “mix-it up dinners where students sit with “classmates they don’t know.” As a family, seek out experiences where your children can interact with people from all kinds of backgrounds and beliefs.

• Model inclusion. The adults in children’s lives are the most influential in transmitting values of acceptance. When I was a fresh out of grad school therapist, I was seeing a couple that were experiencing difficulty with their teen. In a predominately catholic town, their daughter had befriended a Jewish boy. The parents used phrases like “those Jews” in describing their worry about this relationship. With fear and anxiety about ruining my tenuous therapeutic connection, I timidly said, “I am one of “those Jews.”

• Anticipate and strategize: Help your teen to be prepared for situations that might challenge them. Because of their inexperience, many teens end up doing the wrong thing because they don’t know what else to.

  Adolescence is a messy stage. Teen behavior is layered. Good kids do bad things; caring and kind kids can be cruel and insensitive; and sensible and smart kids can beimpulsive and reckless. As teens move through this stage from childhood to adulthood,they are confronted with new feelings, new thoughts, and new impressions of their world.They are without precedent and experience and often react with emotion, not thought. But teens and adults alike share so many common, human experiences, regardless of class, race, religion, and sexual orientation. Let these be the bridge to mutual respect.

Building Resilience and Resourcefulness in Your Teen

 Parents, take this short quiz:

1. T  F  When my kid has a paper to write, I love when I, I mean when he/she gets a good grade.
2. T  F  When my teen is having a problem with a teacher, a friend, a coach or the other "parent" I love to provide the solution to make his/her life easier, and have them benefit from my experience.
3. T  F  When my teen is looking for a job, a summer program, or community service, I do everything I can to help by calling everyone I know.
4. T  F  Now that my teen is ready for the college process, I do all the research about the colleges, visits, and requirements, because I know how busy my teen is.
5. T  F  When my teen doesn't know how to do something, I love telling him/her how to do it, because I know they appreciate and expect my help.

So, how did you do?? If you even had one "T" you might unknowingly be preventing your teen from developing resourcefulness and resilience, two personality traits that are present in very successful adults. Getting straight "A"s", graduating at the top of the class, or even going to an Ivy League college is not what guarantees success in life.

Covid has drained most parents. Too many vaccines, too many tests, too many zoom calls, too many anxious and depressed kids, too many meals, too many whiny requests!! Sometimes it's just easier to do the easy thing, whatever that is, and the hell with it. I TOTALLY get that. You and your kids are just tired. But sometimes doing the harder thing leads to a longer term pay-off.

Most teens demand to be in charge of their social life, not wanting help from you at all. But when it comes to the parts of their life, they feel less confident in, they may demand your help. And what parents doesn't love it, when your teen asks for your help. It's like a drug. It may not happen often, but when it does, you are primed and ready for action. If feeds your need to feel like a competent and supportive parent, especially if your relationship with your teen has been going through a rocky spell. But what makes kids feel confident and competent is moving past frustration to success.

Think of it this way. Perhaps recently you bought a coffee table for your family room from IKEA. In the store the table looked pretty simple to put together; A few slabs of wood, some glass, a couple of screws and bolts...piece of cake!! Then you get the big brown box home, enthusiastically throw all the stuff on the floor, with the expectation you will have your beautiful table up and usable in an hour or so. 5 hours later, sweat pouring off your brow, swears emanating from your mouth, you kick the stupid wood, throw the screws against the wall, ready to "cry uncle". You get up, stomp around your house, curse IKEA and the directions that seem to be written for someone with a PHD in engineering, and then you get back down on the floor, and start again. And finally, because the only choice was to figure out how to put the damn table together, the table comes together, almost magically. And you stand up, puffed up with pride and look at your "baby". And every time a new person walks into your house, and they compliment you on your cool coffee table, you say proudly.. I put that table together. And honestly it feels as important to you as almost anything else you have accomplished in your life. And why is that? Is is because you persisted through your frustration, your feeling of incompetence and what felt like the impossible, to your ultimate success. It is a feeling you don't forget.

When you solve your teen's problems for them, even if they ask you too, when you give into their frustration because it feels unbearable to you, you take away the opportunity for them to have their IKEA moments. The ability to delay gratification, develop frustration tolerance, and figure it out,  is something that will follow them all the way through their life. Through relationships that go through hard times, to jobs that aren't working out the way they anticipated, money problems, housing issues, and their own ability to parent. An A in English will not be helpful in those situations. There is truly nothing more important to teach your teens than the ability to accept and deal with disappointment, and lord knows these last two years have been full of disappointments, and we have all had to change our expectations about what we have control over. So helping them to use their wiley skills to be in control of the things they can control is a gift!

So the next time they come to you for help, start first with a "so what do YOU think you should do? The process will take a lot longer, but when you can say to your teen, I am really proud of you,I know that was really hard for you to do, but you stuck with it, and "just look at your table!