Understanding Your Teen's Temperament

Well actually deep down inside those tiny tank tops or baggy jeans and untied sneakers is the kid you raised, and all those characteristics you thought sweet or funny as a toddler, now in a taller, more filled out body...not so funny and sweet. For example, maybe you had that 3 year old who had fantastic verbal skills, and you thought it was so cute when they were able to talk you into reading just one more book at bedtime, or just one more cookie for dessert, or just one more episode of Sesame Street. After talking baby talk for 3 years, how refreshing to have these adult like conversations with your "little man". Well your "little man" has grown up and his verbal skills have grown with him, and he wants to share them with you! Now he understands that these verbal/negotiating skills can wear you down to the point that he is able to get exactly what he wants. And how about that adorable little 4 year old girl who had the energy of a rabbit, bouncing from one activity to the next. Running instead of walking, climbing the highest slide or jungle gym with you standing below, screaming, "honey be careful!!! Now at 14 she wants to run out of the house, hang with her friends, doing what and with whom..."Honey be careful"
Or maybe you had that shy 5 year old, who clung to your leg and didn't want to go into the school, or to the play date or the birthday party, and now as a 13 year old seems overwhelmed with the expectations of the 8th grade social strata.

See, they aren't really so different. What your teen brings to the table in terms of temperament and personality is biological, sorry,you can't change that. But you can be aware of it, and help your teen to see what their natural inclinations might be to keep them safe during this time in their life when their world is so inviting and exciting.  So if you have that risk-taking 4 year old all grown up now, it's important to have this kind of conversation; "You know honey, when you were little, you used to make me crazy with worry because you were always the kid who wanted to climb the highest tree, or ride your bike down the steepest hill, you were an excitement junkie. I loved how confident and fearless you were about things, always wanting to try something new. And I love that about you now, but because this is the essence of you, now as a teenager, you will also want to drive the fastest, party the hardest, take the biggest risks, and that worries me. We just need to make sure that you are safe, knowing that won't come naturally to you." Or if you have that verbal kid who has the skills of the slickest lawyer on TV, your job is to avoid getting into a verbal volleyball match. You won't win! Or maybe  you have that shy teen who has friends he wants to party with, and ends up going because he want to fit it. This shy 5 yr old grown up may be especially vulnerable to drinking or drugs because after the first experience with a few beers they feel the confidence and comfort in a group that they never felt before. That is a seductive feeling. So you need to say to this teen, "I know being in groups has always been hard for you, and now you have friends, which makes me so happy, and they want you to hang and go to parties where I know there is going to be alcohol and drugs. I worry that because those situations initially are hard for you, your friends might encourage you to drink to "loosen up" and that you might become dependent on alcohol or drugs to have fun in these situations.

Embrace the person your teen is and is becoming. Recognize the strengths in their personality and temperament, and give them the tools to manage them. Your legs won't be there to hold on to, and you won't always be waiting at the bottom of the slide.  They need the confidence and know-how to do it "all by myself".

PS. I am booking my seminars for the spring. Invite me to your school, company, organization or community group and I promise to give 2 hrs of humor, tips and tools to help in raising a teen in the 21st century!

Joani's Top Ten Parenting Tips

The secret to parenting is to keep it simple. Learn 10 simple, concrete practical tips useful in those daily moments of stress as a parent when you wish you had the "right thing to do and the right thing to say!

Audience: All ages

Adolescent Psychology: The Parent Version 

·      Understand teen stressors and anxieties

·      Learn how the brain affects your teen’s behavior. It’s the battle of the thinking brain VS the feeling brain.

• Learn Effective strategies for arguing-The Four Ways Of Fighting.
• Develop effective strategies for keeping your teen safe as they explore the new world of teen life.
• Learn how to teen-proof your home and cell-proof your teen

Sexting. Texting and Social Networking: What’s A Parent To Do? 

·      Understand how the “emotional brain” of a child gets “turned on” by social networking.

• Understand how the “Imaginary Audience” influences your child’s performing on social media.
• Learn which apps are safe and unsafe
• Learn strategies to monitor and set limits around phone and internet use
• Learn how your own behavior with phones and computers can positively and negatively influence your teen.
• Understand the addiction of gaming

Audience: parents of 4^th graders through High school

Drugs and Alcohol: How Does Your Teen’s Personality Style, and Your Parenting Style impact their experimentation with drugs and alcohol? 

• Identify your teen’s personality style and risk-factors with drugs and alcohol
• Identify your parenting style and how it influences your teen’s drug and alcohol use
• Learn effective strategies and scripts to keep your teen safe

College Bound:

• Understand the emotional journey of your college bound high school student
• Understand the emotional journey of a parent of college bound high school student
• Learn strategies for making this process successful and positive

With over 40 years of experience working with families, Joani's approach, using humor, storytelling and easy to use tools make the job of parenting just a little bit easier.

Joani Geltman MSW     781-910-1770    joani@joanigeltman.com

POP QUIZ: What Do You Think Your Teen Would Say About What Is Most Important To You!

Pop quiz!!!! If you asked your teen right now whether he/she thought you valued academic 
accomplishment over caring deeds as a parent, what do you think he/she would say. If you guessed caring deeds, you might be wrong. In a recent survey at Harvard, they sampled 10,000 teens from 33 schools across the country, asking them to rank order what they thought was most important in their life. Results were that 80% said academic achievement was #1, with personal happiness coming in second, and caring deeds a distant third! When asked why, here is what they answered: 

"Much of that pressure, teens reported, comes from their parents and teachers who praise them for educational successes and make it clear that school work needs to be a number one priority."

This is teen selective hearing at it's best. I am sure that most parents teach their kids that doing for others, and being kind and caring is the most important quality one can have as a person. But because that is not part of the daily conversation as kids get older, what your teen hears daily and hourly probably once they get home from school is: "How much homework do you have? How did you do on your test today? You better get that project started if you want to get a good grade! You better pick those grades up if you want to get into XYZ college. " When is the last time a "how was school" conversation started with a so what good deed did you do today to help someone out."

When our kids are young we spend a lot of time asking them to be kind and caring, probably because school is not yet taking up the emotional and cognitive space that learning how to be a good friend, how to be a good member of the family, etc is. Building the foundation for being a caring and good person starts in childhood. But in like a lion comes the stage of self-centered adolescence. Chores, community service, or calling a grandma that lives on the other side of the country become things they feel they have to do, and resent your asking. 

Some of these findings I do think represent the normal narcissism of the teenage years. BUT, I do think that teens perception that parents put academic accomplishment as a list topper. So what can you do. First how is caring modeled in your family? What do they see you doing to show this quality?  Besides being there for your immediate family, what ways do you communicate caring about others? When you are at a restaurant with your teens, or doing errands with them how do you treat those service workers. Are you easily annoyed or impatient with them, or do you regularly show your appreciation for their jobs. Are  you engaged with neighbors, and help out other families even when it might be inconvenient. Do you acknowledge when you are treated kindly by others, especially when you least expect it. These are all ways that kids get the message, this is important stuff. Living a good life is living a balanced life. There is nothing wrong with having high academic expectations, and wanting them to be successful. As you long as you balance that message!!

Just for fun do the pop quiz with your teen.  You might be surprised by their answer!
http://www.bostonglobe.com/lifestyle/health-wellness/2014/07/18/teens-rank-achievement-more-important-than-being-caring/endvfNlU2FYSh3xWjDYyJN/story.html

Family Life...Lessons

I bet you think I am gonna give some high falutin, feelly touchy advice on the lessons family share with each other. Nope, not this time. I'm going to give you a family life, lesson, not a family life lesson. OK so recently my hubby and I are enjoying our coffee and newspaper when out of the blue I hear a rush of water in the kitchen that sounded like we lived at Niagara Falls. I run into the kitchen and see cascades of water coming from multiple areas of the ceiling, and ceiling tiling falling at my feet. HONEYYYYY, I scream, not having any idea what this is, and what is happening. My knight in shining armor peeks in the kitchen and bolts for the basement door. Seconds later, silence, the water shut off at it's source...whereever that is.

Apparently because of a really cold morning, the water pipes over the kitchen had burst. As we waited for the plumber to come, we both listed all our thank gods. Thank god we were home, or otherwise, that water would have completely flooded our house with no one to witness it's ferocity. Thank god my husband is a contractor, and knew exactly what had happened, and knew exactly where the water shut off was. I on the hand, was the hysterical woman with no idea what to do. It got me thinking about how ignorant I am of how things work in my house. Had I been alone, well Noah's Arc here I come.

How about you? How about your teenagers who are often home alone? Do you, do they know where the fuse box is should the lights go out due to a blown fuse? Would you or teens know where to shut off water should something like a burst pipe happen at your house? When my plumber came, I asked him, what one would do if this happened and you didn't have a contractor husband to save you. His suggestion..call the fire department. Honestly, I don't think I ever would have thought of that.

So here is my family life, lesson. Take a tour of your house with your teens, with a tour guide if you need one. My husband just took me on one. I now know where the water shut off is, the fuse box and other electrical points of interest. Someday you or your kids might be home when something happens that you and they are completely unprepared for. Give yourself and your teens that feeling of confidence that you can handle a crisis like this. It can happen to anyone...just ask me. Remember, knowledge is power!

Also while you're at it, do your kids know how to pay a bill, make a drs. appointment, take the T, figure out how to get somewhere that is not in their town or neighborhood, manage money, and the list goes on. All kids know how to take out the trash and put a dish in the dishwasher, they just don't like to do it. But letting Mommy and Daddy do all the managing of their lives will leave them very unprepared for the future. My advice, skip the dishwasher, and focus on helping them to be independent, confident adults!

Free To Be Me....Please!!

One of the major tasks of Adolescence is to develop a personal identity; what are my values, my interests, my passions, what are the qualities I look for in friends and lovers, what is my sexual identity, what are my goals? etc.  Part of this process is also to look closely at the people who raised them, and analyze how they are both different and the same from them. I always say that having a teen in the house is like having your own personal therapist. With this new brain of theirs, they are able to really look at you without the cloud of perfection that hovered over you in their childhood. Why the hell do these kids have to grow up?????? They are now free to share with you their thoughts and ideas about you! Unfortunately much of what they share is the stuff we already don't like about ourselves. Having them be so honest can be very uncomfortable. But if you can listen without hurt or defensiveness, you might learn something new and potentially useful about yourself. More importantly it is part of the process of figuring out who they are.

As teens start thinking for themselves, they might start to go down paths that parents aren't comfortable with. I'm not talking about unsafe or risky behavior, but life choices about what they like to do, where they might want to go to college, and ultimately what they want to do with their life. Most parents have dreams for their kids. In healthy families, parents keep those dreams to themselves waiting to see what path their children seem most interested in, even if it means parents giving up their own dreams for their kids. In some families, parent's dreams for their kids is more of a requirement than an option. We call that Identity foreclosure, when the option of choosing one's own identity is taken away from them. The following paragraphs are answers to a question on the final exam I gave last week, asking students to choose the identity type that most describes their experience with this process. These students have answered identity foreclosure.

Food for thought:

"My parents forced me to go to all elite catholic schools form kindergarten to college. I  was never allowed to get anything below a B or I would be in serious trouble. I am now not a catholic."

"My parents picked nursing school for me. they said they would only pay for college if I went for nursing. My mom graduated from a nursing program and really wanted me to go."

"My parents control most if not all decisions made in my life. If they think that this is the best decision for my future they will push me toward that path without acknowledging my concerns."

"Everyone in my family is in the medical field and my parents urged me to become a nurse. I was pushed to pursue this.

Parenting Resolutions In The New Year

Happy New Year! On your way to the gym, and after you have only eaten healthy food in order to lose 10 pounds, and when you have cleaned out your closets and gotten rid of all your non-essentials, and when you have finished your salad, no dressing for lunch, and then walked for 30 minutes instead of having a hostess cupcake(does anyone eat hostess cupcakes anymore), and then did everything on your "to-do" list at work or at home before your kids come home, and made sure that you accomplished everything on your new years resolution list, then take a deep breath and say thank god this day is over.

The problem with New Years resolutions is that we make too many of them, and then never really follow through on any of them. The same thing also happens with parenting. I might meet with parents for an hour, and in that time we come up with a game plan that includes a number of strategies to improve whatever situation brought them in to see me. I always caution them to pick one issue, and one strategy, stick with making that one change, integrating it into their parenting bag of tricks before they take on something else. Imagine trying to teach you dog how to sit, come, and roll over all in the same training session. Eventually they just look at you, with that adorable cocked head, and know you are absolutely crazy. Teens are the same way. If a new regime takes over, and you start changing all the rules at the same time, your teen will look at you with that adorable cocked head, and say,"What are you crazy?"

Perhaps over this vacation, you have had time to reflect on your relationship with your teen, or thought about some areas you think you need to help your teen with. Maybe you want to be less negative and focus less on what they don't do and more on what they can do. Maybe you are worried about homework focus and cell-phone use, or their organization and time-management issues, or their attitude and how they talk to you. I am sure there are a million things that could go on this list. Pick one and only one, and then think of a simple strategy to address it, and then follow through on it, consistently!

Teens hate change. They resist it, and will fight you every step of the way. This is not really their fault. So much of adolescence is about change; changing bodies, changing moods, changing relationships, changing expectations. They are so overwhelmed by all these changes, which for the most part are out of their control, that they tend to hang on to those things that have become almost ritualistic whether they are good for them or not. So before you institute any changes in rules, or expectations first make sure you acknowledge with them that change is hard. You can say: "I've been thinking about ________________, and it seems like we need to work on this. I know you are used to ________________, and doing it a different way will be an adjustment, I get it. Lets figure out a way together to make it work.  Including them in the strategy building helps them to take ownership of it. Nobody likes to be told what to do, especially teens. The key here is not the choosing of whether or not there will be some change but how it will make it easier for them to be successful at adjusting to it.

PS: Did you know that I do parent coaching on the phone, in the car, at your desk, in your kitchen??? Is there a kid issue that has just been driving you crazy, and you would like some tips to deal already? Lets make a phone date and deal!!! Usually one session can do the trick! email me at joani@joanigeltman.com or call 781-910-1770 to set up a chat time