One New Years Resolution At A Time

Happy New Year! On your way to the gym, and after you have only eaten healthy food in order to lose 10 pounds, and when you have cleaned out your closets and gotten rid of all your non-essentials, and when you have finished your salad, no dressing for lunch, and then walked for 30 minutes instead of having a hostess cupcake(does anyone eat hostess cupcakes anymore), and then did everything on your "to-do" list at work or at home before your kids come home, and made sure that you accomplished everything on your new years resolution list, then take a deep breath and say thank god this day is over.

The problem with New Years resolutions is that we make too many of them, and then never really follow through on any of them. The same thing also happens with parenting. I might meet with parents for an hour, and in that time we come up with a game plan that includes a number of strategies to improve whatever situation brought them in to see me. I always caution them to pick one issue, and one strategy, stick with making that one change, integrating it into their parenting bag of tricks before they take on something else. Imagine trying to teach you dog how to sit, come, and roll over all in the same training session. Eventually they just look at you, with that adorable cocked head, and know you are absolutely crazy. Teens are the same way. If a new regime takes over, and you start changing all the rules at the same time, your teen will look at you with that adorable cocked head, and say,"What are you crazy?"

Perhaps over this vacation, you have had time to reflect on your relationship with your teen, or thought about some areas you think you need to help your teen with. Maybe you want to be less negative and focus less on what they don't do and more on what they can do. Maybe you are worried about homework focus and cell-phone use, or their organization and time-management issues, or their attitude and how they talk to you. I am sure there are a million things that could go on this list. Pick one and only one, and then think of a simple strategy to address it, and then follow through on it, consistently!

Teens hate change. They resist it, and will fight you every step of the way. This is not really their fault. So much of adolescence is about change; changing bodies, changing moods, changing relationships, changing expectations. They are so overwhelmed by all these changes, which for the most part are out of their control, that they tend to hang on to those things that have become almost ritualistic whether they are good for them or not. So before you institute any changes in rules, or expectations first make sure you acknowledge with them that change is hard. You can say: "I've been thinking about ________________, and it seems like we need to work on this. I know you are used to ________________, and doing it a different way will be an adjustment, I get it. Lets figure out a way together to make it work.  Including them in the strategy building helps them to take ownership of it. Nobody likes to be told what to do, especially teens. The key here is not the choosing of whether or not there will be some change but how it will make it easier for them to be successful at adjusting to it.

The Twelve Days Of Vacation

On the twelfth day of vacation my teenager gave to me

the back to school of "leave me alone, I'm getting up"

11 moans of vacation is to short 

10 straight hours of sleeping

9 texts of "can I stay out a little longer" 

8 different plans for New Years Eve

7 hours of playing video games

6 kids sleeping in the basement

5 minutes of peace

4 hugs and thank you's for great gifts and dinners

3 ride requests

2 loads of laundry 

and mornings free of "get up you're going to be late."

A Great Holiday Gift For Your Teen

Living with a teenager can be glorious (yes it can) and hellish. The ups and downs can be nausea producing like the scariest roller coaster you can think of. Unfortunately, because the negatives are often louder, and I mean that both metaphorically and literally, think slammed doors, and screaming fights, the smaller, more subtle successes go unnoticed or fade into the background. I'm not talking here about good grades on a report card, or a turn as the star of the school musical or a great play on the soccer field, but a nice moment with a grandparent or sibling or with you. Maybe a time when your teen was challenged in a new way either academically, or with friends and the frustration gave way to a meaningful resolution. Often these very special moments are drowned out by the multitude of daily life crisis, that your teen doesn't have the opportunity to integrate them into their developing personal identity:Not " I am someone who can rise to a challenge!" but rather  "I get so frustrated and can't do it!" They cannot see the forest through the trees, and they need an objective 3rd party to remind them. Now this is not always easy for parents to do, because maybe your patience has been sorely tested, and those nice moments have slipped by you as well, as you deal with your daily frustrations with your teen.

Here is a tonic for that frustration. How about starting a new holiday gift tradition. There are Year In Review segments everywhere you look, best books of 2016, best movies of 2016, etc. How about your teen's best moments of 2016. Sit down with an old fashion pen and paper and write your teen a letter that comes straight from the heart. Emphasis the small moments that you either observed or were party to when your teen surprised you, delighted you and reminded you about what a special and unique person he/she is.  This will serve two purposes, first to let your teen know that no matter what, no matter how difficult life gets during these teen years, you love and admire them. You are the most important person in your teen's life, and especially if they feel they have disappointed you this past year, a letter like this can totally turn things around. Who doesn't love to be told they are special and wonderful. Write the letter, and leave it on their pillow some night, don't ask or expect anything in return. Because the moment they sit with your words and feel your love in the privacy of their own room will be the best gift you could give. Have a wonderful holiday!

Teens and Pot

Teens and pot, not good. Now with the legalization of pot here in Massachusetts, teens have found new ammunition to fuel their rationalizations for why it is OK to smoke pot. Here is the obvious; “Hey it’s legal, so that must mean there is nothing really wrong with it.” Other favorites include; "I can think better; I can drive better; it relaxes me so I can concentrate better on my homework; it helps me sleep.”

Adolescence is all about new experiences and experimentation. It is a cruel law of nature that tempts teens to try all sorts of new things, just at a time in their lives when their brains are engaging in a major growth spurt.

Typically when a teen looks or acts drunk, you can bet that they are drunk! Alcohol can be pretty obvious. You worship the porcelain temple and then you pass out. With pot, the effects are less obvious. Pot gives you the illusion of feeling in control, but it interferes with a teen’s deep down brain development. As with all experimentation, some kids might see it as a treat every now and then, and others will begin to use it more regularly. According to the Monitoring the Future Study, one in 15 high school seniors is a daily or new-daily user of pot. And more alarming, pot use can start very young. About 13 percent of 8th graders have tried it in the past 12 months.

Educate your teens about pot

·      Teach them the science of how pot affects their growing brain. There are receptors in the brain that just love THC, the chemical in pot. These receptors are connected to two very important parts of the brain. The Hippocampus, which is responsible for memory and learning, and the Cerebellum that controls balance and coordination. In short, regular use of pot can cause problems with thinking and problem solving (the hippocampus) and distorted perception of sight, sound and loss of motor coordination (the cerebellum). So much for the driving rationale. Responding to lights, sound and reaction time are all distorted.

·      Does your teen suffer from anxiety? Pot is especially attractive to teens because it relaxes them and mellows out their stress. If they are someone who struggles with anxiety, pot can be a wonderful new best friend. There is nothing more uncomfortable than feeling anxious. Once a teen that suffers with anxiety tries pot, a love affair begins. Instead help your teen develop coping mechanisms for anxiety; meditation tapes, therapy, or party strategies and scripts for situations that make him/her uneasy.

·      Be clear with your teen about your limits and consequences. Let your teen know that if you find evidence or strongly suspect pot use, they cannot get their license and/or use the family car until you feel convinced that they are not smoking pot.

·      Pay attention to changes in grades; sleep habits, and avoidance of being with the family.

Talking with your teen that you already suspect is using pot is not easy. Expect them to be resistant, defensive, and in a lot of denial about this. Try really hard not to get mad. This will not serve you well in helping them to understand why this worries you so much. Information is power!

The College Kid Is Home For The Holidays

Today is finals day. I'm off to give my freshman students probably the first final of their college career. I am up against a lot. Last week's attendance in my classes was a sure sign of that. It wasn't pretty with many empty seats, and students sauntering in late not even sporting the usual embarrassed look of apology. They have thrown in the towel, anxious to alight to home towns everywhere where their moms and dads await them with fondness and food.

There is a nostalgia that both college students and parents bring to the table as they each anticipate the others return. For parents instead of the vision of sugarplum fairies dancing in their head, they see magically matured college students anxious to spend quality time with their parents, sitting around the dinner table discussing world events, joining them in the family room for popcorn filled movie nights, bedrooms where beds are made and laundry and clothes put away, and polite banter keeping parents in the loop of their plans and whereabouts. Ah, it almost sounds to good to be true. And it is!!!! Sorry to burst your bubble, but your kids are still your kids, and there has been no magical transformation.

For your kids their sugarplum replaced fantasies include a place where magically prepared delicious home-cooked foods appear instantaneously, and clean laundry is available on request.  They imagine a place where the family car is at their disposal day or night, and questions about where, when and with whom they are going are completely absent from their parents lips now that they are college students. Well they are in for a rude awakening as well.

Its all about realistic expectations. The noise, and the chaos of returning college students is at first so comforting. Your kids are so excited to be home, back in the bosom of the family, all cozy and warm. But they are still kids, and they have had a life where freedom is not "just another word," it is a way of life. This can be a huge adjustment for parents of homebound college students. Your student will chafe at that first glimmer of "So where are you going, and what time will you be home?" Or the "just because you have been away in college, when you are home there are rules, and we expect you to follow them." Ooh, let the games begin.

Its time for a new game plan. I am not suggesting a free for all, letting the cards fall where they may approach, but a recognition that life has changed, your kids have changed, and you can never go back. This is time for a great big "I get it" moment. You might say to your returning prodigal: "We are so excited to have you home, and we get that being away from home and then coming back is going to be an adjustment for all of us. I get you have been on your own for the last 4 months, and its probably felt amazing to be in control over your own life. We get that you will be out late, and want to do what you want to do, but here is what's going on with us. We too have gotten used to having our car to ourselves, not worrying about your whereabouts and your safety, (out of sight out of mind) not being responsible for laundry and clean-up and dirty dishes left where ever. We want this visit to be good for all of us, so lets try to come up with a plan that works for all of us."If you can anticipate with your now older and sorta maturish teen rather than waiting for all the annoying stuff to happen, you will be a little ahead of the game. It is important though to really understand that this is not about enforcing "rules" but looking for a partnership with this new emerging adult. Recognizing that the old rules have been outgrown, and that new "agreements" based on mutual respect need to be forged. The revolving door is now in place, as your kids come back and forth from real life and the joys of freedom, to the welcoming and sometimes smothering arms of their family. There will be times when someone gets caught in the door, it could be you, and it will for sure be your kids, but the door will keep moving cause it has to. It is the law of nature.

The Secret To Raising Exceptional Kids

I watched a documentary movie this weekend called Who Are The Debolts and Where Did They Get 19 Children? You can find it on iTunes or Amazon, and it will give you the secret to parenting and raising exceptional kids. It starts circa 1973. Dorothy and Bob marry, the second marriage for both. Together they have 4 biological children. And then the fun begins. They decide to adopt and adopt and adopt and adopt until they finally have 19 children. I know...seriously! I have an only child! The children they adopt were complicated. Some came from the last airlift out of Vietnam, traumatized both emotionally and physically from war. Some were from Korea, and some from the US. All had special needs. Many had serious physical disabilities. One of their daughters, Karen had no natural limbs, using prosthetics for both her arms and her legs. Other children had polio, or missing limbs and seriously handicapped, others blind. Like I said this is a complicated family. I cried the whole way through. (but in a good way)

What was their secret? Their secret and the gift they gave to their kids was that every single one of them, no matter how disabled, were expected to be their best. Not over and above, and not with pressured expectations, just with the belief that they were "able" to do whatever they set their minds to do. Bob and Dorothy would be there to support, but not cajole, convince or coddle. It's hard even to describe the "ableness" of these disabled kids, because they believed and saw themselves as mobile and as intelligent and as independent and "able" as any non-disabled child. Watching 9 yr old Karen, putting on her prosthetic limbs and then dressing herself was a feat worthy of an Olympic medal. Watching kids manage a grand staircase with crutches and braces on their own is awe inspiring. Watching the absolute love and affection shared among each other, and watching the fun these parents shared with their children support the notion that raising kids who believe in themselves, who want to challenge themselves to become the independent and successful adults we want all our children to become is really quite simple. Allow and encourage your kids to take risks and to challenge their comfort zone, provide support and expectations without pressure, and have fun...lots of fun.

I did some research to see how these kids in this special family fared as adults. All of them were living and working independently, most married with children and in loving relationships. Bob and Dorothy sold the family home in Southern California and retired to Northern California, wishing their  kids well in their successful, and independent lives.

I walked away from this movie with so many life lessons. But also seeing the damage that our present technological culture is reaping onto our children. This was 1973, no computers, or cellphones. Kids were outside in nature, playing and discovering. The house was full of music and art and creativity. Bob and Dorothy took time for each child individually, making each of them feel important and unique. They opened the doors to the world both physically and metaphorically and expected that their kids would master it...and they did.

Vacation time is coming, down time, movie time. Snuggle in with your kids, or just yourself and experience the magic of this family.

Due to the Holiday Season I have decided to take a hiatus from Joani's Ten Minute Top Ten Parenting Tips. I will return on Jan 8th at 8 pm with the first in a four-part series on The Four Ways Of Fighting! Me and my blog will be here to support you through the holiday season!!

Also I'm  booking winter and spring Ask The Expert Parties. Think tupperware parties, only for parenting. Invite a group of parents over to your home, maybe have a little food and wine, and I promise to entertain!! I can do a mini-presentation and them  Q&A or I can tailor the party to your particular interests. Contact me at joani@joanigeltman.com for more info!

Having issues with your teens over the holidays, I am always available for parent coaching by phone. So no matter where you live, I'm only a phone call away. contact me at joani@joanigeltman.com

The Best Job VS The Good Enough Job

Do you have a teen that rushes through assignments doing just enough to get the job done?  I would normally chalk this up to the impetuous and impulsive teenage brain, but then what would be my excuse. I know my blogs are hardly perfect. There are many times when I go back a few days after I have published a blog and see missed words, words that don't make sense, and sentences that don't make sense. You'd think that I would know better, and honestly I do, it's just that old enemy of mine, rushing through.

It was only during the summer of writing my second book for a publisher and editor I respected and truthfully, was a little afraid of, that I wrote and rewrote and rewrote again and again until it was as perfect as I could make it. And honestly it worked, my manuscript got through editing and copyediting with very little change. But, man, it took a lot of f**king time and patience I really didn't think I had.

There are those of us who are built for speed. We sometimes race through life with imperfection. Criticizing and judging have little effect on us speed-demons. When I was in high school I had an extremely critical english teacher. Though I liked him personally, I felt like a failure in his class. And I had him for two years!!! Plowing through something without putting all the time in for perfection is a way of avoiding imperfection. Does that make sense??

As an adult, I figured it out that summer. Work on small increments, and in small segments of time.  Repeat!! It really did work, and the pride I felt at my accomplishment was enormous.

So if you have a student that is kind of like me. Don't call him lazy. Don't criticize her for not taking the time to do a job well. Understand with him/her that in some way this goes against their nature, and get how hard it can be to acknowledge mistakes and work through them. And maybe suggest that they work a paragraph at a time, or a problem at a time. Take a break and go back and start again. It worked for me!

Join me on Sunday for my Facebook live broadcast at 8 PM. You can join in by following me on Facebook. This week on Joani's Ten Minute Teen Troubleshooting Parenting Tip I will start a 4 part series on the Four Ways Of Fighting With Your Teen. This week: The Gotcha Fights!!

It's Not A Crazy Idea!!!

Wanna know why your teen gets so mad at you after you say no to what seems like the most ridiculous idea ever? Because in their head, in the fantasy they have created, they are already doing it. Your saying no is a fantasy-interuptess!. Think about this metaphor: You are sitting in your cozy family room ready to watch the season finale of your most favorite TV show. You have been looking forward to this all week, having the "water cooler" conversations with your friends and colleagues who follow the show, dissecting potential plot lines. It has all been leading up to this moment, and then, BAM an unavoidable but must take phone call comes in and your are torn from your set. 

You are an adult and you get over it, but I have seen grown men and women weep and tantrum, when there is an interference with a world series game, or super bowl, or Stanley cup, whichever  is your pleasure. 

Now times that by a million and you get your teen whose fantasy has just been erased, no matter how ridiculous or unrealistic. In these situations it is completely unnecessary to get into a huge whoopla. Somewhere in your teen's brain, they know this is ridiculous too, but once you engage in an actual argument over how silly this is, than the engagement itself is reinforcement that maybe they can change your mind. 

 I have coached parents who end up getting into huge arguments with their teens over things that don't merit argument. Maybe your teen is in 9th or 10th grade and they make some grandiouse statement about not needing college; "I can get a job and make money right away"... I have heard this one alot. And the parents get hooked right away, and start to treat this statement as if it is fact. WHICH IT IS NOT! It is simply a musing by a young teen who is anxious about the future. But when taken seriously, goes haywire. Sometimes it is better in these situations to use humor; " that sounds fabululous, love that, no college tuition and you can pay us rent. We actually make money instead of spending it. Go for it!!!"

When you don't engage in these fantasies, they become just what they are fantasies. The same one you may have had last week when you bought a superball lottery ticket and had already thought of all the things you would do with the $545 million dollars you would win!

Here is the link to my Sunday Facebook live broadcast: Teen Proofing Your Home!!! Share it with you Facebook friends and enjoy a free 15 minute parent coaching session with me!!! 

https://www.facebook.com/joani.geltman/videos/10154119664821914/

Also scheduling my seminars for the winter/spring. Think about bringing me to your middle/highs school, community group, church or temple!!! I travel!!! Seminars include: Adolescent Psychology The Parent version; Social Networking, Whats A Parent To Do? Understanding Your Teens vulnerability to Drinking and Drug s; Joani's Top Ten Parenting Tips. contact me at joani@joanigeltman.com for more information

Take This Parenting Quiz

A Parenting Quiz

1. When your teen walks in the door after school, do you ask these three questions? How much homework do you have? How did you do on your quiz? Did you talk to your teacher about...?
2. Do you spend your weeknights walking in and out of your teen's room asking? When are you going to put this laundry away? Have you finished your homework? Did you take the trash out?
3. Do you spend your post school hours telling your teen multiple times to: Get off facebook and do your homework! Stop texting and do your homework! Get off that video game and do your homework!
4. At least one time per week, do you find something that your teen has done that you can compliment?

How did you do? If you had 4 yes's congratulations!!! If you answered with 3 no's and a yes congratulations!!!! if you answered no to the last question, lets talk!

Obviously when parents come to me for coaching they are usually struggling with the first three questions. How can I get my teen to do what I want them to do? Why doesn't my teen listen to me? Why doesn't my teen tell me anything?  I have found that there is a direct correlation to the non-listening, non-action taking of teens to the amount of positive feedback they are given by their parents, there isn't much given.  Most parents are so worried that if they don't stay on top of everything their teen needs to do to be successful, then they will be at a disadvantage when  it come to the important thing, like getting into college for instance. This approach to parenting can be extremely time consuming, exhausting and mostly unrewarding. Putting yourself in the role of CEO of your child's life, automatically puts you in that secluded corner office worrying about the success of your "company" and out of touch with your "employees".

I was watching a news story recently about the online company Zappos. The CEO of that company
did not have a corner office, in fact, he didn't have an office at all. He "lived" in the same cubicle as the rest of his staff, right in the middle of the action. The work-life atmosphere at Zappo's is designed to promote hard-work while providing their employees with food, fun and lots and lots of kudo's for jobs well done. They have found that it is the food, fun and kudos that make their employees want to work their asses off for the company. Nobody minds the long hours and the cubicles because they feel understood and appreciated.

I think this is a model that can translate well to parenting. You probably aren't having much fun anymore with your teen, as they stay as far away from you as possible, worried that every time they see you it means you are on them about something. Kind of like that worry you feel when you see the "boss coming." Uh oh, now what did I do wrong, you might think. Gotta turn this around. Try making your nightly rounds without questions or comments. Maybe bring up an unexpected treat or snack you know is a favorite of your teen's and saying: "Thought you might like this treat..love u" and walk out the door.

I talked with a parent recently who is all over her teen, worried that he just wasn't "working" hard enough. His attitude towards her was becoming toxic as a result. The good news was this kid was a really good kid. But she had forgotten that in her worry that he wasn't on top of everything academically that he should have been, ie missing homework assignments that were resulting in lowering of his grades, avoidance of college essay and application writing, that she was not paying attention to the good stuff he was doing. He was not drinking or taking drugs, though most of his friends were. He was managing a part-time job. He was saving money, not squandering it away like most of his friends. Lots of good stuff.

I sent her home to put a little "fun, food and kudos" back into their life together. At a dinner out at his favorite fast food restaurant, rather than asking a million questions and lecturing him about his "future", the mom told him how proud she was of the decisions he made in his life that must be hard, like not drinking when he was with his friends, like how seriously he took his sport, like how conscientious he was about his job even though it meant getting up wicked early on a Saturday morning. She told him she was going to back off with all his college stuff as she had confidence in his ability to follow though if this was something HE really wanted for himself. I think this boy thought he had died and gone to heaven. As soon as she understood and appreciated what good stuff he was doing, he then accepted responsibility for what he wasn't doing, and they had one of the most honest, and fulfilling conversations they had ever had.

This Zappo's CEO is on to something. If you want to get the most out of your relationship with your teen you have to keep it balanced. Stay on and interested in those things you know are important but never ever forget the fun,  the food and  the kudos!

Joani's Ten Minute Teen Troubleshooting is back!!!! Join me on Facebook live at 8 PM on Sunday night when I talk about how to TEEN PROOF YOUR HOME. Just follow me on Facebook to catch the broadcast. And again anyone who shares the broadcast to all their Facebook friends gets a 15 minute coaching session with me!