It's Joani's Back To School Tips

Yes, the summer is over, and it is back to backpacks and schedules, carpools and homework. For some parents this day could not come fast enough, and for others it is dreaded almost as much as their kids dread it. The good and bad news is that in a few weeks, it will feel like summer never happened. Tans will fade, girls will finally have to put on some pants that cover their tushies, and everybody will be in some kind of routine.

I thought today I would give you my own version of a back to school sale, as I try to "sell" you on some strategies that you can start with from the get-go in hopes of a smooth beginning to the school year.

Cellphones, laptops, tablets, itouch, ipod....:

Do not allow your teen to take these to bed. How I wish teen drama happened between 8-10 pm, but the reality is, the real juicy stuff happens after 1 AM. Your teen has their phone on vibrate, and he/she never really hits the deep level of sleep that allows the brain to absorb the day's learning. Instead they lie in wait for their crush to text, or a best friend to text the days wrap up. This is why they are exhausted when they wake up. If you have been a good doobee parent who has not given your teen a smartphone, simply have your carrier shut it off when you and your teen agree on a time. Your conversation: "hey honey, I get how important it is to check in with your friends before bed, and I want you to have that time, but then we need to agree on a time that the phone will be shut off for the night. It is important for you to get a good night sleep. If you have already given your teen a smart phone, which you can't shut off through the carrier, you will say the same first part and then: " I will need to collect your phone at our agreed upon time. If you argue with me, and we get into a struggle about handing over your phone, I will need to switch out your smartphone for a regular phone, so that I can have it shut off and we won't need to argue. Your choice." And by the way, this goes for laptops, Itouches or any other device that can interfere with sleep. Shut your modem off if you have too. It is that important. Teens are already sleep deprived with the brain saying, "I'm not tired yet", and the school bus pick-up at a very early ungodly time. Your teen DOES NOT have the willpower to do this on their own, no matter what they tell you. Do not set them up to fail.

Check out Verizon's Family Safeguard service. It costs about $5 extra a month and will enable you to schedule when your teen's phone can be on and off. and a million other things you can use it for. Just google, Parental control apps for phones and a million low cost options come up!

Homework:

If you have had a teen that has fallen into the homework hole, do not wait for it to happen. Anticipate that this might happen again.Things don't change that much over the summer. If you have a younger teen, 6-10th grade, you might consider hiring what I call a homework coach. This is a cool college student with a car, who picks your teen up either after school or in the evening, takes them to a library, and sits with them while they do their homework, and then takes them out to shoot some hoops get an ice cream or a coffee when they are done. This basically gets your teen on a homework schedule, and pairs the dreaded homework with someone and something fun. Not that you aren't fun, well, actually you probably aren't when it comes to homework. Twice a week is usually enough.

Make sure you have a 2 hour period when there is no cellphone, and social networking sites are blocked. See cellphone strategy above. You can do the same thing, have it shut off for a couple of hours or agree for them to surrender. Again, and I will keep saying this, cellphones, and facebook, twitter et al, are TOO DISTRACTING. Your teen will argue till they are blue in the face that they can handle their homework while texting, facebooking, twittering etc. The research is unequivocal here, they can not. The brain will pay attention to the most interesting stimulus, and you can bet that geometry loses to texting every time. Even if your teen has no homework and says they did it at school you should follow through on the 2 hour rule. All this stuff is hugely addictive, you are not doing them any favors by feeding this addiction. Maybe they will actually spend time with you watching TV, a fate worse than death. Your teen will be mad at you. SO WHAT!

Activities

All teens should be involved in something. Too much time on their hands can be destructive. School is usually out by 2 and that leaves them with hours to whittle away doing who knows what, and who knows where. You should have an expectation that you teen either chooses a sport, club, drama or a job, but they must have something to do at least 3 days a week. No activity, no job...no money! Some teens may be overwhelmed with the choices available at school, and might be too shy to join something. If you know your teen has a strength in some area, say art for example, you might want to go undercover and let the guidance counselor know about this. Perhaps they need artists to work on the newspaper or yearbook or drama production, and they might get the faculty involved to approach your teen, saying they heard that they were talented and could really use their help. Be creative. This is all about building self esteem and self confidence especially if academics is not your teen's area of strength.

Social life

Teen proof your home.

•  Lock up the alcohol and prescription drugs
• Make sure you supervise sleepovers (that means setting alarm clock to check on location and sobriety of your house guests.)
• Help your teen to think in advance about handling themselves in risky situations
• Supervise teens coming to your house to hang. Make sure your teen understands your no drinking or drug policy, and have a plan in place should your teen have friends who flaunt your rules. Remember it is unsafe and illegal. 

FIND WAYS TO HAVE FUN AND BUILD RELATIONSHIP

This is in caps and in bold because it is the most important. Do not let your relationship just be about checking up on your teen, as in "have you? did you? when will you? If this is the bulk of your conversation with your teen you absolutely need to build in some good relationship building time. This is what will get your teens to do what you want, not taking away their phone. Go to a movie during the week, take them out for a coffee, give them a day off when they feel stressed, and stay in your pajamas all day eating junk food. Let your teen know you get life can be hard sometimes, and that you don't always have to be the hard-ass!

PS: Getting my speaking schedule up and running for the 2016-17 year. Email me at joani@joanigeltman.com if you are interested in having me come and present one of my seminars at your school, company, church, temple, community group or on a street corner in your neighborhood!!   Or book an Ask The Expert Party. Invite your friends, or the parents of your teen's friends to your house and I'll spend two hours giving you all tips and strategies, geared specifically to your needs. I also do parent coaching in person and on the phone!

Why Do You Think They Call It Dope!!! The Marijuana Debate

Most teens think pot is no biggie. And it probably isn't if they are using infrequently as a treat. But for many teens, pot is becoming the high of choice. It mellows you out, you don't throw up from it, and hey it's legal in Colorado so how bad can it be.

Well as it turns out, it's not good. In the developing brain of teens, it changes the way the brain grows. Rather than trotting out your own lecture on why drugs are bad, why not read this article at the dinner table!


http://www.bostonglobe.com/lifestyle/health-wellness/2014/04/15/casual-marijuana-use-creates-brain-changes-new-report-shows/X1cN8A7h5pOVJkeYkXTXlJ/story.html

How Girls Learn To Define Themselves As Women

For all you parents out there with daughters, the article below is a great read. I remember having conversations with my daughter when she was a teen. I would be talking about how fat I felt, or how old and ugly I was feeling.(That's when I was in my 40's, now that I am heading in my 60's I actually like myself better. See getting older is fun) But I do remember very clearly my daughter saying, "and you wonder why I am consumed with worrying about being fat. I get it from you!!!!" And I'm guessing she is more than a little right. I do not have one memory of my middle aged mother ever ever commenting on her size, her sexiness or her aging. Women in the 1950's and 1960's just did not think about that, or if they did they did not talk about it. And what about the dads. I know even from my own hubby and our middle aged friends, there are always comments about this hot woman, or that hot woman. Again, I never ever heard my dad comment about women in terms of their hotness. Maybe, we as adult have to start with ourselves and watch what we say and how we live. Are we giving these messages to our daughters and sons without even realizing it? Do we spend too much time and energy making ourselves look sexy and cool, rather than just healthy? Maybe we have had too much of the kool-aid as well, read too many People magazines, too many Allures and Vogues showing us how to find the fountain of youth. We have bought too many creams, had too much botox ( I draw the line) too many eyelifts and so on. Maybe we have to first model self-acceptance for our kids before we can expect them to follow suit.

At the least we have to continue, on a regular basis to have talks with our teens about this. No matter how much eye-rolling you may encounter, do not let that deter the message. Find opportunities when they present themselves, don't manufacture them. If you are watching a show or hear some lyrics or see something in a magazine or hear a story from the news, or a friend, there is your chance, your "I get it"  moment. " I get how this might sound hip or funny, but I worry that it makes girls feel like that have to wear a tight or cleavage revealing top, or short shorts with a butt crack exposed, or whatever, just to get attention from a boy. Do you feel that way?"

Or with your son: " I get that boys think its funny to comment on the size of a girls boobs, or think that they can convince girls to take pictures or give blow jobs in order to be their boyfriend, but its really just to "get a little", and get a good story to tell the guys. I hope you wouldn't lead a girl on like that? Just talking about this once does not facilitate change. This is tough stuff. Our world is changing and this happens to not be one of the good things. Our culture bombards us with messages, but we give our kids messages as well. Do as I say, not as I do, won't work anymore. You gotta walk the walk to really make a difference.

A fantastic documentary on Netflix Miss Representation is a great watch with your teens especially with your daughters. It shows the power of a sexist media and how it defines and what our society expects of how women should act and look. I show this to my college freshman every year, and the discussion and outrage it brings up for both the genders is one of the most powerful of the semester. Have a watch!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sarah-koppelkam/body-image_b_3678534.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

The Opposite Of A Lecture

Are you a lecturer quiz?

1. Y N Do you feel like you absolutely know what is best for your teen?

2. Y N Do you regularly expound on this to your teen?

3. Y N When your teen comes to you with a problem in his/her life to you jump into problem solver mode?

4. Y N Do you find it hard to take questions from your "listening audience"

5. Y N Do you like to be right?

I am guessing that we all got 100% on this quiz. Only this 100% probably won't get you an applause and a congrats from your teen. Problem solving comes very naturally to parents. We see our kids making mistakes, we see our kids in pain, we see uour kids about to do something that is unsafe and it feels natural to want to protect them from all of it. Unfortunately your teens do not want your protection, they actually want the opposite of your protection. Which is weird, because they come to their parents with their problems, and as soon we go to give them our worldly advice, they respond with a rejection and a "you never listen!" And that is the crux of the matter. Your teens come to you because you love them, and know them better than anyone else. Their fantasy is they will tell you something and you will just listen. That's it, just listen. Here is the miscommunication. You think that when they come to you, they want you to tell them what they should do. But really they just want you to listen, maybe show some empathy, "oh honey, that must be so hard, or I'm sorry that must be so frustrating." But instead they get a "here's what I think you should do....!" And their eyes go dark.

Giving your teen the gift of listening is maybe your greatest gift to them. Unless they actually say the words, what do you think I should do?Go for a good nod, a hug, and some words of comfort. They are probably doing the work of figuring it out, and just need someone to bounce the words off and reflect back. Don't we all? This work of figuring it all out is what gives them the confidence they will need as they move into adulthood. If you do that work for them, they will never be prepared for they future that most assuredly is ahead for them.

Revenge Porn...Oh Yes It Is!

Oh how I wish I didn't have to write these kinds of posts. But this has been one long hot summer, and I don't just mean the oppressive heat. I have had too many to count calls from frantic parents of both boys and girls who have found of parts of teens bodies in photos on their kids phones in various stages of undress.This article (see link below) that appeared in the New York Times is an important article for parents of teens. File this under, Teens are so naive!" As happens more often than any of us would like to admit, teens show their love for their boy or girlfriends by sharing sexy photos, some showing more skin than you have seen since their baby baths. But with all things teen, romance rarely lasts very long, and even if it does last as long as their high school years, there rarely is a happy ending. And by that I mean a consensual break-up. No, usually break-ups are fraught with drama, drama, and more drama. With one party or the other accusing the other party of some sort of major misdeed. When that happens, revenge is in the air, and with the internet, revenge can be so sweet. Remember all those sexy photos, that had been promised to stay "just between the two of us?" Well all bets are off, and those photos along with personal information shared by the abandoned lover can and do show up in unexpected ways.

Please share and read this story with your teen, especially if he/she has a significant boy/girlfriend. They will fight you tooth and nail, and say: '__________would never do anything like this. He/she loves me too much." And you can say; you know honey, I get how much you trust and love each other now, and that is a wonderful gift you are giving to each other....now. But all bets are off when one of you meets someone else, or gets tired of being in the relationship, or your feelings change. It's hard to know now how powerful those feelings can be when this relationship ends. So I'm just saying, sending each other intimate photos does not equal trust. Not lying to each other, being honest and open that is where true trust comes from.

They will roll their eyes, but this is just another "educational" responsibility you have to teach your teen about safe use of technology.
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/24/us/victims-push-laws-to-end-online-revenge-posts.html?pagewanted=2&_r=0&hp

The Difference Between Moms and Dads

I was doing some research recently for an article I am writing, and came across this article from a New York Times;"Calling Mr. mom". I am paraphrasing and winnowing this down to the essentials, but basically, though women now make up 50% of the work force, keeping the home fires burning is still essentially woman's work. Here's another interesting statistic. Even though many companies now offer family flex time, only 26% of men take advantage of it, 76% of woman do. OK so this is not really new news, but it still puzzles me.

Several times a week I give my seminar: Adolescent Psychology-The Parent Version. Whether I have 300 people or 30 people in the audience, 95% of them are women. "I wish my husband had been here to hear this" is a mantra that I hear repeatedly from the moms in the room. Last week at one of my seminars, I noticed a couple seated not far from where I was talking and pacing. Yay a dad!!!!!! Except that while the woman took copious notes, the man I assumed was her husband spent the entire 2 hours (no break) playing on his Iphone.  Maybe he too was taking notes, but the fact that he never once looked up at the slides or seemed to be listening at all seemed pretty clear. Several rows away, another couple sat, again the woman/mom was  hanging on my every word, and the man seated next to her was sound asleep.

So here is my message. Parenting teens is a challenge. It does take a new set up skills to maintain this changing relationship. The balance of power is shifting, and "because I said so" falls mostly on deaf ears with your teens. They are interested in challenging, analyzing, discussing, and arguing. Believe it or not this is a great thing! This means that you teen is "thinking for themselves", and as their world and decisions get more complex they will have the skills to make sense of it.  This is all normal and desirable behavior. But if it only gets interpreted as disrespectful, teens may feel that thinking things through with you is a waste of time, and instead, sneak, lie and generally avoid conversation and confrontation.

Many dads I work with especially have alot of trouble with this new adjustment in power and control. They felt much more comfortable with the "I am the grown-up,  here are the rules" style that works so well with younger children. Men and woman do often parent differently, but both genders have to make adjustments as their kids get older. When I survey my college students on who they felt closer and talked to more during middle and high school, they almost unanimously say their moms.

Dads, your kids want to talk to you, they just aren't sure that you want to talk to them. They love you and need your input. So take advantage of that flex time, pick them up early from school and take them for coffee, and a movie, invite them to come in and have dinner with you at the office, volunteer for a field trip, take them in the middle of the day to their orthodontist appointment. This time with them is as important as sitting with them and helping with their homework, probably more.  The conversations and relationship building that occurs during these incidental moments of life are priceless, don't miss out!!

How About A Little Hang Time?

A middle schooler writes to Ask Amy:" In my family, almost every night my mother and father watch adult oriented TV and movies. I am allowed to come into the room when they are watching, but I would really like to play a board game with them or even watch a family appropriate movie instead. My mother is very busy with her full time teaching job and I feel that barging into the room in the middle of a movie to play a game is rude, but how else could I ensure some family time without disturbing her? Am I being too pushy, and should I leave them to their leisure time because they are busy."

How sweet and sad is that letter! The other day I was getting frozen yogurt (my favorite) and spied a mom sitting with her young teen son having some yogurt. The mom was busy texting away on her phone, while her son, hunched over the table, just kind of sat there looking lost. I know we are always talking about how rude our teens are, and can't be separated from their phones, but how about you? How attached are you to yours?

Believe it or not, many teens do want to spend time with you, they are just embarrassed to ask, lest it sound needy and immature. In a questionnaire I gave to 60 teens ages 14-18, this very issue was oft repeated when asked: I LOVE WHEN MY PARENT (S):

• Ask me to go places with them because I really don't get to do that a lot.
• Spend time just watching TV with me because I never get to spend time with them.
• Ask me to do things with them cause that's the best.
• Can just talk and hang out and have fun with me.

Our lives are all pretty crazy, especially if you are working, taking care of an elderly parent, and have kids. Getting laundry and food shopping done, returning emails, and god forbid take some time for yourself is a full day. But your teens are watching your every move,and if they see that it's alright to multitask then they will do it too. But another takeaway from them, is that you are just too busy for them. Are you constantly checking your phone when your kids are in the car, at a restaurant, before and after dinner, while you are watching one of their sports practices and games. Do you take your work home with you, and your kids get that you are unavailable?  Are you halfway in or all the way?

PS. I am now booking for this upcoming school year seminars. Have Joani will travel..anywhere!! Last year, I spoke in California, New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, and New Hampshire. Below are the seminars I offer. Talk to your PTOs, religious organizations, community groups or businesses about presenting one of these to your community. I promise it will be fun and informative! Contact me for pricing and availability

Adolescent Psychology: The Parent Version 

• Learn how the brain affects your teen’s behavior. It’s the battle of the thinking brain VS the feeling brain.
• Learn Effective strategies for arguing-The Four Ways Of Fighting.
• Develop effective strategies for keeping your teen safe as they explore the new world of teen life.
• Learn how to teen-proof your home and cell-proof your teen

Sexting. Texting and Social Networking: What’s A Parent To Do? 

• Understand how the “emotional brain” of a teen gets “turned on” by social networking.
• Understand how the “Imaginary Audience” influences your teen’s performing on social media.
• Learn which apps are safe and unsafe
• Learn strategies to monitor and set limits around phone and internet use
• Learn how your own behavior with phones and computers can positively and negatively influence your teen.

Drugs and Alcohol: How Does Your Teen’s Personality Style, and Your Parenting Style impact their experimentation with drugs and alcohol? 

• Identify your teen’s personality style and risk-factors with drugs and alcohol
• Identify your parenting style and how it influences your teen’s drug and alcohol use
• Learn effective strategies and scripts to keep your teen safe

  

Joani’s Top Ten Parenting Tips 

The secret to parenting is to keep it simple. Learn 10 simple, concrete practical tips useful in those daily moments of stress as a parent when you wish you had the "right thing to do and the right thing to say!

 Joani Geltman MSW     781-910-1770    joanigeltman.com

Summer Reading Sucks....For You!!!!!!!!

OK, the summer is exactly one half over, and crumbled up summer reading lists are being found and resurrected by parents everywhere. Most kids have spent the summer avoiding your queries about the reading by saying, "I'll do it, I have the whole summer, just leave me alone!!!" Well the whole summer is now down to 4 weeks and the books have been bought, Kindled or Nooked depending on the summer bribe. "If I buy you a Kindle/Nook, will you do the reading?" Your kid, panting like a dog who sees a new treat coming his/her way has promised that yes yes yes I will do the reading if you buy me off, I mean buy me a Kindle/Nook. But listen, it doesn't matter what form the book is in, it is still reading and might/could be way less exciting than say sitting on the couch texting/facebooking/videogaming/tv or movie watching or studying one's navel.

So here are a few strategies to get the reading done before school starts before you have to resort to the threats of no phone, no computer no life until you finish your reading.

• Sit with your kid and add up the number of pages that need to be read by the start of school. Get out the old calculator and number of pages from each book and add together. Divide that number by the number of days left before school and you now have a PPD (pages per day) your kid needs to complete. When you break it down this way, it is far less intimidating. Most kids avoid the summer reading because it seems daunting. Maybe they have 3 or 4 books to read, and the image they have is just hours and hours of reading to complete it, so pretending it doesn't exist is much easier. Having to read 20 pages a day may not seem as bad.

•   Set aside a reading time. Not on your schedule but a time of day that your kid feels is do-able. Get your book, take your kid to Starbucks, get him/her a Mochachino and read together for 30 minutes or an hour. Pair the reading with something pleasurable.

• If your kid continues to be resistant to follow-through, pair reading with favors. For example, if the PPD has not been completed and your kid asks for a ride, some money, clean laundry etc you can say: "I would love to help you out, but I noticed you haven't done your PPD today, and I don't really feel like complying with your request until you do. I get this reading stuff is hard for you, but it's just something you gotta do.

• Get the reading list books on tape. Some kids might be more motivated if they were hearing them rather than reading them. Put them on in the car while you are driving. Put it on an old CD player and let them listen with earphones, bring it to the beach and they can tan and "read" at the same time.   

Get creative.  Just hucking your kid to do the reading is not going to get the job done. You have to "understand" their resistance, rather than criticize it, and help them to develop a plan that makes the impossible seem possible. 

PS. I am now booking for this upcoming school year seminars. Have Joani will travel..anywhere!! Last year, I spoke in California, New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, and New Hampshire. Below are the seminars I offer. Talk to your PTOs, religious organizations, community groups or businesses about presenting one of these to your community. I promise it will be fun and informative! Contact me for pricing and availability

Adolescent Psychology: The Parent Version

• Learn how the brain affects your teen’s behavior. It’s the battle of the thinking brain VS the feeling brain.
• Learn Effective strategies for arguing-The Four Ways Of Fighting.
• Develop effective strategies for keeping your teen safe as they explore the new world of teen life.
• Learn how to teen-proof your home and cell-proof your teen

Sexting. Texting and Social Networking: What’s A Parent To Do?

• Understand how the “emotional brain” of a teen gets “turned on” by social networking.
• Understand how the “Imaginary Audience” influences your teen’s performing on social media.
• Learn which apps are safe and unsafe
• Learn strategies to monitor and set limits around phone and internet use
• Learn how your own behavior with phones and computers can positively and negatively influence your teen.

Drugs and Alcohol: How Does Your Teen’s Personality Style, and Your Parenting Style impact their experimentation with drugs and alcohol?

• Identify your teen’s personality style and risk-factors with drugs and alcohol
• Identify your parenting style and how it influences your teen’s drug and alcohol use
• Learn effective strategies and scripts to keep your teen safe

  

Joani’s Top Ten Parenting Tips

The secret to parenting is to keep it simple. Learn 10 simple, concrete practical tips useful in those daily moments of stress as a parent when you wish you had the "right thing to do and the right thing to say!

 Joani Geltman MSW     781-910-1770    joanigeltman.com

The Way We Learn: Repetition Repetition Repetition

 Parents of teen lecture series:

• Don't drink and drive
• Don't text and drive
• Don't drink
• Don't do drugs
• Have safe sex
• Don't have sex at all
• If you don't do your homework, you will not be successful in life
• Part of being part of a family is sharing responsibility: Empty the dishwasher

All those lectures really do make a difference, just not when your teen is in your presence. People learn through repetition. When your child was young and you were teaching them about manners, think about how many times you said after you gave them something, or someone else did: " Honey what do you say to Mrs Mcgillcuddy?"And your little cutie pie would say: "Thank you Mrs Mcgillicuddy!" You might have gone through this 10 times a day, 365 days of the year for two or three years, until this response become automatic for your child when it was called upon.

Teaching your teen to be safe or responsible or motivated, is absolutely no different. You can't just give a drinking and driving lecture, or safe sex lecture once, and think you've done your job. Every time your teen leaves to be with friends, it should be with a "so what's your plan to stay safe tonight, or a reminder to not drink and drive, or text and drive. They need to hear those messages live over and over again, so that your voice literally lives in their head.

Besides the reminders, you still need to help them come up for a strategy for safety. Just saying don't do something is not a strategy. You need to have both, the reminder, AND the strategy.

What parent lectures do you still carry in your head from your parents??