Teens And Their Fear Of Being Alone

I ran across this article recently researching the issue of teens and the effects of over-connection. A recent statistic I read stated that teens spend 7 hours a day on cells and social networking. That is after-school hours. That is alarming. Literally the only leftover time is sleep! This article speaks to this issue. It's a good read.  http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/articles/2011/03/06/the_power_of_lonely/

To summarize, it talked about the benefits of spending time alone. "When we let our focus shift away from the people and things around us, we are better able to engage in what's called meta-cognition, or the process of thinking critically and reflexively about our own thoughts." I know I crave this time alone, letting my mind wander to places it might not normally go. Our lives now make it almost impossible for some people to shut off all the distractions of Iphones, and e-mail, and facebook, and oh, also the face time we give to our jobs, and our families. This leaves little time for rumination. I know some of my most creative and deep thinking comes in the car with the radio and cell phone off, or in long walks with my dog.

The article specifically addresses teenagers and this issue of aloneness. "Teenagers, especially have been shown to benefit from time spent apart from others, in part because it allows for a kind of introspection and freedom from self-consciousness that strengthens their sense of identity." The problem is that though being alone is good for the soul, most teens are afraid of it. They have become so attuned to the buzz of ipods, cellphones, computers and video games, that silence feels alien and to some terrifying. So much so that many teens have developed in inability to go to sleep without some "noise". Just being alone with their own thoughts is scary. I have talked a lot with my college students about this, and in some classes I take the first five minutes to do a short meditation. My students have said how hard that five minutes is for them, and that it feels like forever to just be quiet. This is not a good thing.

Some teens like being alone. Even as children they were happy to play by themselves, and often refused the offer of a playdate, just to be with themselves happily in their worlds of make-believe. Some teens are terrified of being alone, desperately looking for companionship and connection. So there is the nature part of this equation.

You obviously can't make your teen take the time to "smell the roses." But you can model it, and you can call attention to it. Here is your I get it moment: 'You know honey I was thinking about how plugged in we all are, and how little time we give ourselves to just be quiet. I read this article recently that talked about how important it is for everyone to allow themselves time to just process. I get how much you have to do, and how important it is for you to stay tuned in to it all, just wish you would take some time to just be." They will probably look at you and think, what the hell is she/he talking about? But that's ok. Sometimes as parents we are just planters. We drop some seeds of wisdom, and hope that somewhere along the way, some sprouts appear.

The Deal With Peer Pressure

I read an interesting article Teenagers, Friends and Bad Decisions. http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/03/teenagers-friends-and-bad-decisions/.

 I love when articles confirm what I already know, but in a new way. It makes me feel so smart. This referenced a study that was done at Temple University looking at the effect on teens brains while they are making decisions when they are alone versus when they are with their friends. The experiment was so interesting. Ask a bunch of 14-18 year olds to do a simulated driving game for which they will be rewarded with cash if they finish in a certain time frame. Embedded in the game are choices to be made like running yellow lights to finish more quickly. However if you "crash" you get penalized and delayed.  Scores were compared with a group of college students and a group of young adults.  "Half of the time each person played alone, and half the time they were told that two same-sex friends who had accompanied them to the study were watching in the next room." The results, no change in game playing or risk-taking for college students and young adults when told about people watching their play, but for the teens they ran 40% more yellow lights and had 60% more crashes when they "believed" their friends were watching. Remember these "phantom friends" were not even in the room with them, they only believed that friends were watching. 

This is pretty powerful documentation of the effect of what we call "the imaginary audience", a term coined by Psychologist David Elkind that refers to the heightened sense of self-consciousness in teens. This occurs because of the newly developing and growing teenage brain that is working on overtime to make teens aware that not only do they have thoughts about themselves but that other people have thoughts about them. Think of this as opening night jitters that starts the second teens awaken and ends when they have posted their last instagram post of the day. What will I wear today, how will people see me? What will I say today, what will people think about what I am saying? and so on. The study supports the thinking that when your teen is on their own they are more likely to make responsible decisions (no imaginary audience) but give them a real or perceived audience and lets get on with the show! Because often times it is all for show, just like the teens in the study who took more risks when they thought their friends were watching. 

This would be a great article to read with your teen. Here is scientific documentation of all your worries. Let them know that you are not crazy, even the scientists can see that when you are with your friends you are more likely to put yourself in risky and potentially unsafe situations. Your job here is to use that power of understanding with your teen " I get how important it is to not embarrass yourself in front of your friends, but I know that sometimes you might make a different decision when you are alone than when you are hanging with your friends. Lets try to find some ways that you can both save face in front of your friends, but make sure that you are safe. This is the kind of conversation you might have every weekend just before your teen leaves the house. This is NOT something you can change about  your teen. It is literally chemistry, but you can make your teen aware of it and provide them with strategies, scripts and alternatives to keep them safe. 

Teens Love Their Pot

Teens and pot, not good, Adults and pot, whatever turns you on. I have had a number of letters from parents recently worried about their teens use of pot. It seems that their teens have defended their use with a variety of rationalizations. Some of my favorites include; " I can think better, I can drive better, even the cops don't care, it relaxes me so I can concentrate better on my homework, you should be happy, at least I'm not drinking alcohol!" Unfortunately this is the drug talking. And thats the point, pot is all about distortion. That's what the 60's were all about, and why the lava lamp was invented!

Adolescence is all about new experiences and experimentation. It is a cruel law of nature that tempts teens to try all sorts of new things just at a time in their lives when their brain is engaging in a major growth spurt. Teens live in a world of what you see is what you get. With alcohol you see the fruits of your labor literally in the toilet bowl if you're lucky, otherwise in someone's car or basement. You worship the porcelain temple and then you pass out. With pot the effects are less obvious and more hidden. Pot gives you the illusion of feeling in control but what you're teen is missing is what is going on in the depths of their brain. As with all experimentation, some kids might try pot and see it as a treat every now and then, and others will begin to use more regularly. In either case it is important to talk with them about it.

A little science lesson here. There are receptors in the brain that just love THC, the chemical in pot. These receptors are connected to two very important parts of the brain. The Hippocampus, which is responsible for memory and learning, and the Cerebellum that controls balance and coordination. In short, regular use of pot can cause problems with thinking and problem solving (the hippocampus) and distorted perception of sight, sound and loss of motor coordination. (the cerebellum) So much for the driving rationale. Responding to lights, sound and reaction time are all distorted.

Pot is especially attractive to teens because it relaxes them, mellows out their stress, and if they are someone who struggles with anxiety, pot can be a wonderful new best friend. There is nothing more uncomfortable than feeling anxious, and once a teen who suffers with anxiety tries pot, a love affair begins.

Talking with your teen about pot requires finesse, and the power of understanding. Here is your I Get It moment. You can say to your teen" I get how pot would be attractive to you. I know you are stressed out, and it makes you feel relaxed and mellow. But here is what you don't know." At this point instead of sermonizing and lecturing, either read this to them or have them read it in your presence. https://teens.drugabuse.gov/drug-facts/marijuanaThis is link to a very straight forward Q&A about pot. If you choose to lecture, your teen will think this is your opinion and probably just stop listening, thinking that they know more than you about this particular subject. So real science is always good in this situation. Now I am sure that you will get resistence here. And here is how you might handle this. " I am worried that you don't feel that pot affects your judgement, driving etc. You need to read this article and talk with me/us about it before we will allow you to drive our car. It is important to us that you have the facts here. If we see a change in your grades, or your ability to concentrate on getting your work done, we will have to drug test you every now and then. We love you and want to make sure that you don't unknowingly jeopardize your health and your future.

Talking with your teen who you already suspect is using pot is not easy. Expect them to be resistent, defensive, and in a lot of denial about this. Try really hard to not get mad, this will not serve you well in helping them to understand why this worries you so much. Information is power!

The Cure For Eye-Rolling

Do you ever wonder why your teen's eyes roll back in their head every time you offer an opinion or think you have the answers to all of their problems. Most assuredly you are probably right! But unless you figure out a more effective way to deliver your message than " well you know honey, here is what I would do, and then blah blah blah,"you will undoubtedly walk away from these encounters unhappy.

Before you offer up your opinion, your teen has to first feel that you really do understand what they are dealing with. So for example, if your teen comes back from a practice and rants on and on about the coach and how he/she is an asshole, and never gives them any play, and is so mean and they want to quit, you have several ways to respond. You can say" You are not quitting, you are part of the team, and this is the way it is, suck it up!" Or you could say, " you know what honey, that guy really is an asshole, want me to give him/her a call and see if I can get him/her to give you more playtime." Or you could say, " you know honey, I think you should go up to the coach after practice, and let him know that you feel that he is not giving you enough play, and if he/she is having a problem with you, just let you know so you can work on it." All three of these responses indicate that you know better, and that you have the solution to the problem. While any one of these might take care of the problem, the response from your teen will probably be more like, " NO that's stupid, you don't understand, that's ridiculous, see that's why I never tell you anything.!" And so now you are hurt and mad at them because they think you are stupid, so instead of a warm fuzzy moment, you both stomp away completely unsatisfied with each other. 

Here is an alternative that works literally in every situation. It is what I call an " I get it" moment. I believe in it so much that I actually wrote my first book about it. I Get It: Three Magic Words For Parents Of Teens. Who doesn't want to be understood? We all do. There really is nothing more powerful then when someone "gets you". So in the above situation, rather than offering up an instant solution, you might start with an " I get how this feels really unfair. I get sitting on the bench sucks. What do you think is going on with the coach?"  This approach takes a lot longer, but your teen needs to learn how to process feelings and turn them into action him or herself.  If you give a solution they will tell you that you are stupid, I can almost guarantee it. But if you try to get them to solve the problem, you come out smelling like a rose.

These I get it moments work when your teen breaks curfew or doesn't do their homework, or gets disrespectful towards you, or doesn't take out the garbage, or screams at his/her younger siblings. Literally anywhere anyhow. " I get your brother can be a pain in the ass lets......" rather than "if you hit your brother one more time I'm taking away your phone, your computer..." " I get taking out the garbage is the absolutely last thing you want to be doing, lets figure out...." rather than" I am sick and tired of asking you to take out the garbage, you are lazy and ungrateful." I get you get caught up with your friends and lose track of the time, lets figure out a way...." rather than, you're grounded, I am sick of your excuses. "I get you are pissed off at me, and hate me sometimes, how can we do better?" rather than don't you ever talk to me that way again, I'm taking away your phone!

If you were a teenager which statement would encourage you to talk?

A Quick Parenting Quiz

A Parenting Quiz

1. When your teen walks in the door after school, do you ask these three questions? How much homework do you have? How did you do on your quiz? Did you talk to your teacher about...?
2. Do you spend your weeknights walking in and out of your teen's room asking? When are you going to put this laundry away? Have you finished your homework? Did you take the trash out?
3. Do you spend your post school hours telling your teen multiple times to: Get off facebook and do your homework! Stop texting and do your homework! Get off that video game and do your homework!
4. At least one time per week, do you find something that your teen has done that you can compliment?

How did you do? If you had 4 yes's congratulations!!! If you answered with 3 no's and a yes congratulations!!!! if you answered no to the last question, lets talk!

Obviously when parents come to me for coaching they are usually struggling with the first three questions. How can I get my teen to do what I want them to do? Why doesn't my teen listen to me? Why doesn't my teen tell me anything?  I have found that there is a direct correlation to the non-listening, non-action taking of teens to the amount of positive feedback they are given by their parents, there isn't much given.  Most parents are so worried that if they don't stay on top of everything their teen needs to do to be successful, then they will be at a disadvantage when  it come to the important thing, like getting into college for instance. This approach to parenting can be extremely time consuming, exhausting and mostly unrewarding. Putting yourself in the role of CEO of your child's life, automatically puts you in that secluded corner office worrying about the success of your "company" and out of touch with your "employees".

I was watching a news story recently about the online company Zappos. The CEO of that company
did not have a corner office, in fact, he didn't have an office at all. He "lived" in the same cubicle as the rest of his staff, right in the middle of the action. The work-life atmosphere at Zappo's is designed to promote hard-work while providing their employees with food, fun and lots and lots of kudo's for jobs well done. They have found that it is the food, fun and kudos that make their employees want to work their asses off for the company. Nobody minds the long hours and the cubicles because they feel understood and appreciated.

I think this is a model that can translate well to parenting. You probably aren't having much fun anymore with your teen, as they stay as far away from you as possible, worried that every time they see you it means you are on them about something. Kind of like that worry you feel when you see the "boss coming." Uh oh, now what did I do wrong, you might think. Gotta turn this around. Try making your nightly rounds without questions or comments. Maybe bring up an unexpected treat or snack you know is a favorite of your teen's and saying: "Thought you might like this treat..love u" and walk out the door.

I talked with a parent recently who is all over her teen, worried that he just wasn't "working" hard enough. His attitude towards her was becoming toxic as a result. The good news was this kid was a really good kid. But she had forgotten that in her worry that he wasn't on top of everything academically that he should have been, ie missing homework assignments that were resulting in lowering of his grades, avoidance of college essay and application writing, that she was not paying attention to the good stuff he was doing. He was not drinking or taking drugs, though most of his friends were. He was managing a part-time job. He was saving money, not squandering it away like most of his friends. Lots of good stuff.

I sent her home to put a little "fun, food and kudos" back into their life together. At a dinner out at his favorite fast food restaurant, rather than asking a million questions and lecturing him about his "future", the mom told him how proud she was of the decisions he made in his life that must be hard, like not drinking when he was with his friends, like how seriously he took his sport, like how conscientious he was about his job even though it meant getting up wicked early on a Saturday morning. She told him she was going to back off with all his college stuff as she had confidence in his ability to follow though if this was something HE really wanted for himself. I think this boy thought he had died and gone to heaven. As soon as she understood and appreciated what good stuff he was doing, he then accepted responsibility for what he wasn't doing, and they had one of the most honest, and fulfilling conversations they had ever had.

This Zappo's CEO is on to something. If you want to get the most out of your relationship with your teen you have to keep it balanced. Stay on and interested in those things you know are important but never ever forget the fun,  the food and  the kudos!

Confession of a teenage liar

Teen X is a 17 year old female who will remain anonymous to protect her identity. She is a liar. She lies to her parents on a regular basis about many things. She loves her parents, but they have many rules which she thinks are stupid. She is not "allowed" to drive over 55 MPH. She is not "allowed" to drink. She is not "allowed" to go on sleepovers. She is not "allowed" to have sex with her boyfriend. Because her parents have made these rules very clear, teen X feels it's a waste of time to talk with her parents about the rules or anything else for that matter. Teen X feels her hands are tied. She would like to talk to her mom about sex, about drinking, about her friends, but feels that if she does, they will think she has "broken" the rules and will pay a consequence for her honesty. So for help and support she goes only to her friends, who she trusts. Unfortunately, she only gets a teenagers view of life without any adult perspective.

Teen X has learned how to play the game. She had a choice. She could have tried to argue, negotiate and explain her point of view and risked the consequences of grounding, having her car or phone taken away. Living in a house where she is always fighting with her parents and that feels like a constant war zone, did not fel like an option.  Instead, teen X has chosen the alternate route of lying. She is a damn good liar too. Her parents are completely clueless, and actually brag to to other parents about how obedient their daughter is by saying "see if you just make the rules, and stick to them, your teen will follow them," her parents boast.

So teen X hangs with her boyfriend, and has sex with her boyfriend. Her parents don't even know she has a boyfriend. Her best friend's house has been deemed as the one "safe house" for a sleepover, so teen X tells her parents she is sleeping over HER house, but instead stays with her boyfriend or other homes not sanctioned by her parents where copious amounts of unsupervised alcohol and drug use take place. Teen X does not drive 55 MPH ever, except in places where you are supposed to driving 35 MPH. Teen X's parents think they have the "perfect daughter"

What do you think?

Stress and Teens

The Boston Globe recently had an article on the importance of having a curriculum in schools to help kids with their emotional and social growth. https://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2016/01/05/mass-schools-focus-well-being/m4d2GADYQEor4qApNf8JQM/story.html 

I think that this not only important for schools to teach but for parents to teach their kids, especially if they have teens. The article mentioned that out of the almost 1400 students at Reading High school, 55 of them have been hospitalized for depression and/or anxiety. Breaking that statistic down, that means that one out of every 24 students is suffering from depression and anxiety. I wish I could say that this statistic shocked me. But it doesn't. Being a teen is no picnic these days. There are stressors that never existed before in the stage of adolescence. For example the quantifying of popularity, the pressure of having to determine their future long before they are ready and should have to, and in a way I know my generation did not feel they had to. I feel such gratitude for having the freedom and time to figure out who I was and what I wanted to. No one cared "what my major" was going to be at 17, or at 21 for that matter. As long as I could support myself I was free to do and be whatever I wanted. Of course I could rent a great apartment for $150 a month, buy a car for $1500 and fill it to the brim with gas for $3.00. And I could live on a yearly salary of $7000 and still go on a trip to a club Med. OK, that was 1975. But boy have times changed, and with these changes come higher expectations and pressure. With crushing student debt and college causing many families great financial sacrifice, students feel a need to make important life decisions before they are ready to.

Teens lives are filled with stress and drama. DUH!!!! But as a teen, you don't know yet that much of this will play itself out in a normal way. As an adult when you experience a crisis, you may have the same powerful feelings; anger, depression, anxiety, frustration, but you have years of life experience to know that in the end you will get through it. Your teens, not so much. Your teen's brain allows him/her to feel the feelings times a hundred, but their frontal cortex doesn't let them know that they can and will get through it, not to mention this may literally the first time in their life that they are dealing with with particular events and scenarios that create these kinds of strong emotional reactions. I remember when my first real love broke up with me at age 17, I literally thought I would die. I couldn't imagine that the feelings of loss that I was experiencing would ever go away. Thank god, I had great friends, a great family, and I hung in there. Your teens needs to know that you get that the depression or anxiety or anger that they are feeling is powerful. You also need to help them develop coping mechanisms for dealing, and an understanding that the intensity of these feelings comes from a teenage brain, that is built to magnify these feelings. That damn emotional center of the brain is in overdrive in adolescence.

Below is a list of stressors that a group of high school students cited as causing them the most stress. It would be really interesting if you asked your teen what things on this list caused them to stress. You might find out some information you didn't know. Teens are not always good at articulating what's bothering them, especially boys. Asking them to tell you what's wrong when you see a long face, or when you get a snarky response to a simple question almost always is answered with a loud "NOTHING JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" This list at least provides them with some options. You can introduce this by saying: " I just read this list of things that teens stress out about, I'm really interested to see what you think about this list and whether these are things that are hard for you too." 

Perhaps you will find out something new. Beware of falling into the parent fix-it mode. As in "wow, I didn't know that this was a problem, how about if I..., or how about if you......." Your teen will not like that, and will shut you down so fast your head will spin. Certainly respond, but with a: "Wow, you are carrying around a lot stuff, that must get really hard sometimes. I didn't realize that X was an issue. Do you want to talk about it? or can I help in any way?" And them just leave it be if they don't want to get into with you. At least now you have some new information, and every now and then you can ask them: " so how's it going with X, you mentioned a few weeks ago that it was really stressing you out? Anything I can do to help?" 

You can't always get your teen to talk but at least they'll know that you'll listen.

Here's the list:

Academic Rigors (including Homework, Tests, etc.)

Sports  (including school, town and club)

Sports Fees (including uniforms, banquet, senior gifts, etc.)

Extra-curricular Activities (including drama, chorus, clubs, etc.)

Lack of Study/Organizational Skills

Teachers who do not provide a syllabus

College - Demands of the Process and Stress of Outcomes

Body Image

Relationships (including family, friends, boyfriend, and teachers)

Health Issues  (including sports injuries) 

Financial Difficulties

Loss of Home

Part-time Jobs

Sexuality

Internet/Cell Phone/ 24/7 Connectedness

Divorce

Family Member Illness

Elderly Relative Caretaking

Getting Driver’s License—can’t do HW or sleep in the car anymore

Parent’s (Unrealistic) Expectations

Student’s (Unrealistic) Expectations

Getting Back In Gear In The New Year

Happy New Year. Yesterday was a busy day, a record number of calls from parents anticipating troubles in the new year. Perhaps there was "trouble in River City" over the holiday week. Maybe some incidents of drinking or drugs threw you for a loop, or realizing that the last 3 weeks of the term are closing in and there are assignments still unfinished, or maybe you are smack in the middle of the final weeks of college apps, and you and your senior are feeling the anxiety of deadlines. Take a deep breath. Getting all crazy, and starting back on the nagging train will not help. Best to just ease into it slowly, that's what your teen will need to do.

Rather than starting right in with the "did you finish/start/do your__________________? How about using this "I Get It" moment. "Hey honey, what are you dreading most about going back to school?" Just a simple question like that let's your teen know that you get how hard it is to transition back to the daily grind. A little empathy goes a long way.  And when they walk in the door after school today, rather than getting right back into the multitude of questions that have plagued you all day about homework, projects and meetings with guidance counselors, give them some space. The first day back pretty much sucks. How many of you were dreading the rush today of alarm clocks, lunches, carpools and that's just the kids stuff, then add to that your work, and your deadlines. See, you and your kids are not all that different. Misery LOVES company!