Get A Job, Do Your Homework, Read A Book

Not all teens have busy lives. Some teens go to school, come home, get on the computer, play on their phones or go to their video games, and settle in for the rest of the day and night. For these teens, this rest of the day and night can be a full day's worth of hang if you add up the hours. Most high schools are done by 2:30 ish, bus ride home 30 minutes, and then you are home and it's only 3:00 PM. That leaves you a full 8 hours of screen time before bed. Not good. If your teen has this kind of time on their hands, and if they aren't a kid who uses that time for studying and reading War and Peace than I think you need to help them to self motivate to use their time in a better way. The mantra, the more time you have, the less you do, is very applicable here. Teens who have this amount of unstructured time, tend to also be the kids whose school motivation is low. Self esteem comes from being active and involved, and feeling at the end of the day that you have accomplished something. This makes the next day something to look forward to. For kids who have not found their niche in sports, or activities in or out of school, every day becomes a repeat of the day before, with little to look forward to, and little to feel good about.

Let's look at some options to help those teens with too much time on their hands. OK, let's start with some very basic things. If you are a parent who does your teen's laundry, let's begin here. I am all for parents "doing for" kids who are engaged in life. If your teen doesn't get home till 5 or 6 because of sports or activities or a job, them has to eat, have a little down time and then off to do homework, than help away...Please! But if your teen is home and on the couch by 3 PM, do not do their laundry, and make their bed. You might say: "Here is your choice, I can help you find a job, get an internship, brainstorm some ideas for finding something to do after school that interests you, but if you choose to come home every day to just hang for the next 8 hours than I think you have the time to take care of your own laundry."

Money is always a great motivator. You might say: "We think it's really important for you to find something to do a few afternoons after school. We have noticed that having this amount of time on your hands isn't really helpful to you. You aren't using them for homework, or even hanging with friends, and too much screen time can really affect your motivation for doing things that are good for you. We would like to see you look for a part-time job or volunteer or internship. If you choose not to do this, then we choose not to just give you money or buy you stuff . We will be happy to pay you for work you can do around the house in lieu of a job, we will help you find a job. If you volunteer or get an internship, do a sport or an activity at school, go to the gym regularly, there are a ton of options, then we will be happy to give you money or buy you what you want or need since you would be out and being busy doing something positive. I get you like and need a lot of down time. And we are OK with a few hours of that, but not from 3-11 PM every day. So let's do some planning."

Your teen is in the beginning stages of developing an identity. Who am I? What turns me on?  What makes me happy? Many teens are overwhelmed with the choices and have absolutely no idea how to get off that couch or get away from the computer screen. Too many options confuse them, so they opt for what is familiar and comfortable. They need you to understand that, rather than judge them for being a lazy sloth, cause of course that is how it looks. Teens need incentives. For some, the roar of the crowd during a football game or from acting in the school play or a pay check from a part-time job is their incentive. Find out what your teen's incentive is, an offer it up to get them up!!!

A Teenager Always Forgets

I absolutely love this! I KNOW you have ALL experienced this phenomenon. It's 6:45 AM and you are fighting with your teen to GET UP! The argument takes a turn for the worse, and colorful language is shared among the two of you. Or perhaps the fight starts because your teen blames you for his/her lack of clean clothing (even though you washed and left clean clothes in their laundry basket which is now covered with dirty clothes, lots of them!!!!) Or, the night before sent you both to bed after a screaming match that revolved around homework, facebook, never doing chores, wasting money, texting for 18 hours a day...pick one. You go spend the day with your stomach in knots, worried how you will resolve this latest fight when your teen returns from school. You hold conversations in your head, with your partner, or your best friend, coming up with a strategy to work through this latest battle. And lo and behold your teen walks in the door with a cheery hello, and a hug and a kiss, completely throwing you off your game, and a retreat from starting anything. All, at least for them has been forgotten. How do they do that?

Here is how. The argument they had with you is so yesterday....literally.  Your presence in their head has left the building. It happened when they walked out the door to head to school. Big and better things await them...wait is that a text chime? Your teen lives in the emotional center of their brain. We live in the thinking center. We reason, they emote. We process and wonder and strategize, they scream and yell and cathart. That is why yelling rarely works unless you are person who rarely yells. Your teen is desensitized to the arguing. In some ways, it is really a release for them. They can and do yell with such enthusiasm so that by the time they head off to school any angst they might have had, which may have had nothing to do with you by the way...has now been released. See you did them a service. You unfortunately now have an ulcer!

I suggest never starting a fight you literally can't finish!

The Post Vacation Blues

Make sure your coffee cup is full, cause come Monday morning you can expect your teen to mirror Jeremy's enthusiasm for school. The return from February vacation is the worst. No fun holidays to look forward to, no three day weekends, just 8 more weeks of straight out school. Mornings are cold, homework is boring, their friends annoy them, you annoy them, life just sucks.

It's no fun for you either. Nothing fun for you to look forward to. My suggestion, find something. Let your teen know that this is a tough time of year, and you "get" that motivation is at kind of a low point. Ask them if there is something they want to plan a month down the line that would give them something to look forward to. And help them plan. And by the way, do the same thing for yourself!

At the least, have reasonable expectations. It will take a week or two to get back in the groove. Understanding will get you way further than yelling!

Social Networking In The News

Here's a news story about teens and their toys, with an appearance by yours truly!
http://www.necn.com/02/19/13/Apps-for-Dummies/landing.html?blockID=832081&feedID=11106

Time To Teach Your Teen To Clean Up...Their Social Networks

Great article in The Boston Globe last week. (see link below) The "fly on the wall" metaphor has taken on new meaning with the accessibility of complete and total strangers to anything you put out in the nether world of social media. And some of these total strangers are potential employers, college admissions officers, potential internship places, and the list goes on. This was an astounding statistic quoted in this article:"Nearly 80% of employers research job applicants and 70% have rejected candidates because of their online profile." Let the parent lectures begin!!!

If your teen is starting to think about cool summer jobs or internships they need to beware. Or how about looking to become a camp counselor? Perhaps that camp director is social media savvy, and goes on your teen's facebook (you know how selective they are about friending people) or on tumblr, twitter, or instragram sites that don't require permission to view, just nosiness. If your teen has been posting obscenity laden quips, drunken exploits or sexy pics, you better tell them that might not look so good to a camp director, who is looking for a wholesome camp counselor. Or, how about that highly competitive internship, looking for Mr or Ms responsible? I don't think they want to read that "man I got wasted and ....."

Perhaps your teen is waiting to hear from colleges. This is a tough college market. And sometimes that decision might come down to what admission officers have found during their social media sleuthing!

This is definitely not something that is on your teen's radar. Someone has to put it there, and it is you!!! Though this article focuses on college graduates, it definitely applies to, summer jobs, college admissions, it's all the same deal. As Crosby Stills Nash and Young sing...."Teach, your children well."

You might have them read this article, and say: You  know honey,I get that posting outrageous stuff on your facebook, inststagram, etc is fun, and reading all your friends crazy stuff is also fun, but the reality is that it makes your life an open book to college admissions people, potential jobs and internship employers. I wouldn't want something silly like the stuff you put out there in internet world to get in the way of doing what you want. I think it's time to do some "housecleaning." As you go through all your postings, think like a potential boss, or admission counselor, and ask the question: "What impression am I getting about this student, employee from their sites?" You woudn't want them to say:"wow this kid seems to party alot, that would probably affect their ability to work, or they use alot of foul language and sexually explicit language, they don't show much respect for woman or men, I wouldn't want them interacting with my staff." Help your teens to ask the right questions and send them on their way with a Mr Clean power eraser!


http://www.boston.com/jobs/2013/02/14/college-seniors-list-this-spring-complete-degree-credits-clean-online-profile/Nb0WYOg4ZpzlC00KclKitO/story.html

Be In Control Of Your Teen's Smartphone

I am a realist. And no matter how much I sermonize and demonize smartphones for teens, I know and accept begrudgingly that parents are giving their kids smartphones. This being the case, a smart, tech savy parent gave me these instructions to share with parents so that they can  be in control of what a teen downloads and does with his/her phone. Unfortunately most parents I have talked with have a universal/family apple id password that everyone can use to download apps. This means that most teens have downloaded every social networking site invented thus far, since they are free. They include facebook, twitter, tumblr, google chat, snap chat, snap video and whatever new one was invented during the writing of this blog. The reason this is a problem is due to the distraction factor. Now, teens not only have to post on facebook, but they have to also be witty and outrageous on five other sites. This takes a lot of time and energy. Time and energy that might be put to better use, like say school work for instance, or spending time with the family, or paying attention in class rather than thinking during class of what they will tweet when they get out of class.

 So in pursuit of helping your teen with this "overload" problem, I will share this smartphone parent control strategy. Be prepared for your teen get mad, to get really really mad. But, oh well, thicken up your skin and deal with it. You can say: "I get you are pissed that we are messing with your phone. I get you love all these apps, and that they are a fun way to connect with your friends. And you can choose to keep two on your phone, or on your computer. There is only so much time in a day, and I want to make sure that you still have the time and energy to work on the goals that you have for yourself, like school, sleep etc." And with that parents, just give a shoulder shrug and ask for their phone. If your teen refuses to give you their phone and makes a big ruckus, just remember that it is YOUR PHONE. And he who giveth can taketh away, and shuteth off, and giveth them an old fashioned flip phone!

Here is what you do on your teen's phone:

1. Go to utilities and then settings
2. Go to general
3. Go to restrictions
4. Go to enable restrictions
5. You will need to put in a restrictions passcode that only you/spouse/partner are privy to. This is hugely important. Your teen should absolutely not ever see you put in this passcode, otherwise you might as well forget this whole process.
6. Go back to restrictions page and decide which of those apps you want to allow. Definitely turn off installing apps. And delete all current downloaded apps. This way, when your teen wants to download an app, they will have to come to you for the restriction passcode, which you will not give them. Only you in a private space should plug in that passcode. 

This process allows you to limit what apps and the number of apps your teen has on their phone. The fewer the better. This also goes for IPADS, Itouch, and IPOD. If you are going to give your kids all these devices, than it is going to be on you to understand and limit. Your kids are in a candy store here, and will not, cannot, and won't limit themselves unless someone is watching out that they don't "get sick." 

I get this is not fun, but your teen needs your help desperately with this. It is like an addict with an unlimited supply of crack!

What Are We Teaching Our Sons And Daughters To Make Them Strong And Respectful.

I copied the following article that appeared in "the onion". It is a satiric look at the life of a teenage girl. It is meant to be controversial and thought provoking. My fantasy is that you would read this to both your sons and your daughters, and use it to spark conversation. I have been tuning into the HBO series Girls, and it makes me feel so sad, if it is indeed, like this article, that this is the truth about young women in their 20's. One mom I spoke to recently who has a 23 year old daughter, told me that her daughter said that indeed, Girls is a truthful portrayal. For those of you who have not seen it, the "girls" in this show are whiny, needy, lack focused goals, allow men to be in control of most everything, including sex, and seem to lack self-confidence. The show makes me sad, as does this article. Let's teach our girls to be strong, and our men to be respectful!

Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object

NEWS • Local • ISSUE 49•05 • Jan 29, 2013

The beautiful object, 17.

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ARLINGTON, TX—Calling the transformation both delightful and stunning, friends and family members confirmed Tuesday that 17-year-old Ashley Parker was blossoming into an absolutely gorgeous object.

According to Parker’s relatives, in the span of 14 months, the high school junior underwent a staggering metamorphosis from a young girl with thoughts, feelings, and aspirations into a truly stunning commodity.

“Ashley has really developed into quite a striking assemblage of physical attributes that are found to be sexually attractive in our culture,” said Parker’s uncle Keith Hayes, expressing astonishment at how his niece had steadily matured from a precocious youth into a shapely, ravishing thing devoid of intellect and personality. “It’s hard to believe that she used to be that little girl [capable of subjective experiences] that I remember. Now look at her—she’s such a lovely vessel for displaced sexual frustration and voyeuristic lust, just like her mother.”

“Seems like just yesterday she was this creative 7-year-old kid, pretending her Barbie was the first woman president,” Hayes added. “My, they grow into little more than consumer goods so quickly.”

Marveling at the rite of passage that all females make from girlhood into entirely disempowered objecthood, Hayes expressed confidence that the 17-year-old would one day become a highly prized physical possession for “one lucky guy.”

Parker’s classmates at Wakefield High School were also reportedly captivated by the adolescent’s transition from a young woman into an eye-catching repository for male gratification. High school senior Kevin Turner said that Parker had become a particularly alluring instrument of purely physical pleasure in the months since she was a young, conscious, independent preteen girl.

“I grew up with Ashley and never thought much of her before, but over the last year or so, I really started to see her for the beautiful little piece of equipment she is,” said Turner, expressing enthusiasm for how the teen had evolved into a dazzling sexual apparatus. “I’m thinking of asking that mere receptacle to prom.”

“Take a look at it,” added Turner of the former human being. “I can think of a lot of things I’d like to do with that.”

Edmund Powell, Parker’s history teacher, echoed the sentiment of many pupils, claiming that he was impressed by the junior’s transformation from an honor roll student and sentient human being into a lovely piece of meat.

“Ashley used to be one of the brightest and best students in my class,” said Powell, recalling the former girl who once consisted of more than a single, surface-deep dimension. “But, wow, now you’d have to say that she’s something very special. Something very special indeed.”

While Parker’s mother Stacey was reportedly certain that her daughter would make a beautiful and unthinkingly gracious trophy someday, the 38-year-old cautioned Ashley not to get her hopes up about finding the perfect money bags right away.

Paying Your Teen to Stay Off Facebook?

Paying your teen to stay off facebook? If it were only that easy. This was a news story last week. A teen proposed to her dad that he pay her 50 dollars a month for the next 5 months and in return she would stay off facebook. She gave him her password and he disabled her account. WHAAATT!!!

Below you will find my "expert" opinion as I was interviewed on my local Fox tv newstation about this story. Part of this story includes "on the street" interviews asking parents if they thought that paying their kids to stay off facebook was a good idea. Amazingly, almost all of them thought it was. IT"S NOT!!! Maybe your teen won't go on at your house under their given name, but those crafty teens can always go under a new name on all their friend's computers. Or, instead of facebook, they will do all their posting on twitter, google chat, instagram, tumblr etc etc. Facebook is so yesterday anyway, that shutting down a facebook page, just gives them more time to go on something else. It is like that whack-a-mole game. You knock out facebook and a million other choices pop up.

So for 5 months, this teen won't go on facebook. Big Deal! She is only in 9th grade. Will her dad have to pay her during every school calendar year until she graduates. How about paying to keep her from texting. I hope this guy has a big bank account. The work is not forbidding your teen to go on facebook, but to teach them self-discipline, something they will need to have for the rest of their lives. Helping your teen to develop strategies to put temptation aside in order to accomplish the goals that they have for themselves is the true gift and grit of parenting. Bribery, and just saying "no" is not a lifelong strategy, it is a short term fix.

http://www.myfoxboston.com/video?clipId=8332987&topVideoCatNo=238258&autoStart=true

Texting And Sleep..Or Lack Of Sleep

Zits Comic

Dad and Jeremy at the breakfast table

Dad: So, you actually wake yourself up at night to check your text messages?

Jeremy: Sure, I couldn't sleep of I didn't.

A parent recently tuned me into a teen saying: "FOMO" Which mean, "fraid of missing out" And that is what is at the core of teens addictions to their phones and other social networking devices. The truth is there is nothing to miss out on. I once asked my college students to take their phones out in class and read me the last text message that they had received. I did this after a particularly frustrating class when I kept catching students with their phones in their laps, or front and center on their desks, checking text messages. Here is what the most popular text was: "Wassup???" and then of course the more creative kids sent a pic of the lunch they were having at the cafeteria. You absolutely would not want to miss out on critical information like that, would you?

It might be fun, to do this with your kids after a particularly trying dinner when your teen would not part with their phone at the dinner table. This is why it is absolutely imperative that you do not allow your teens to take their phones to bed. Like Jeremy, they are afraid of missing out on some important nugget and keep their phone accessible even during the midnight hour!  Trust me, this is interfering with their sleep. One parent recently told me that as she was doing a spot check monitoring of her teens' phone, she was surprised to see the number of texts that were coming in at 12:30 and 1 AM on school nights. "Of course he has trouble getting up in the morning for school" she said. And the phones are now parked in the parent's bedroom for a sleepover!

Stick to your guns on this one. Your teen will never have the discipline to do it on their own, after all they are FOMO.

The Teen Boyfriend/Girlfriend Dilemma

The mother of a 14 year old 8th grade girl contacted me recently regarding the issue of whether she should "allow" her daughter to have a boyfriend. She and her husband felt strongly that high school is the appropriate time for this to start, worrying that the distraction from academics, extra curricula activities, and developing strong friendships would be too great. Ah, if affairs of the heart could be so regulated. And so this family had a rule...no boyfriends until your 16.

Let the lying begin! Which is exactly what happened. A trip to the mall with a "group of friends" really was a clandestine meeting of the star-crossed lovers. The lie that they had "broken up" was discovered on a visit to their daughter's facebook page where her status had been changed from "single" to "in a relationship." So much for the no boyfriend rule till your 16!

Here is the thing. When you are parenting a teenager, you have to be really sure that a rule you make is a rule you can enforce. And a "no boyfriend, or no girlfriend" rule is completely unenforceable. Unless you are tied to your teen during the school day, after school, and in their bedroom when they are texting and facebooking and god knows what else, your teen can and will carry on a relationship with whomever he or she wants to have a relationship with. Forbidding something that is controlled by hormones, and fantasy is impossible, and will send your teen underground. The devil you know is much safer than the forbidden fruit.

First love, or second or third are the most look forward to and anticipated parts of becoming teenagers. They are a training ground for the real deal. When teens "practice" in middle school they are readying themselves for what it really means to love someone. As a parent, it is much easier to supervise a middle school "relationship" than a high school one. You are still the driver, the chaperone, and the relationship expert. Make the most of these years while you still have the influence!

A Little More On Sexting

Just after I wrote my entry on A Parents Guide To Sexting And Texting, I got am email from a parent who wanted to share her teen's texting story. I thought this would be an instructive follow-up. This boy is a 14 yr old 9th grader. Definitely not a kid who is actively engaged in a whirlwind social life. He had gone to school and forgotten his cell phone, not unusual, according to his mom. He is not attached to his phone, and does not spend hours texting away to friends. Because the mom was the opposite of suspicious, since her son spent so little time on his phone, she decided to look at his messages, more out of curiosity than worry. Boy, was she surprised. There in black and white was the following message: " Hey whore sexy bitch, you must be from Ireland cuz my penis is Dublin." the person on the other end of this text response was : "oh my gosh, I can't believe you wrote that. I am dying right now!" You have to admit, an "adorable" play on words.

As you can imagine, this mom, was shocked and chagrined. When her son returned home she asked him about this text. Here is what this mom did right. She did not yell and berate her son, or in anyway antagonize or put him on the defensive. Yay!!!! She calmly and without judgement simply told him what she had found on his phone. His first reaction as you can imagine was "why did you look at my phone?" And she calmly responded; "well honey, it is really my phone, and now that you are in high school I just wanted to make sure that there was nothing on the phone that could be unsafe or a problem, and in fact, I'm glad that I did, cause this text is unsafe and could be a problem." Her son got it and let that piece go. Again she asked so what is with this text. He laughed and said that a  7th girl who this mom knew, had taken his phone during study and was playing around with it. Because this boy is so not into his phone, he never bothered to ask her what she was doing. The mom said that this is very in keeping with her son. The girl I should mention, is a bit out of the mainstream. She is somewhat socially awkward, and doesn't have many friends, and often behaves in a way that can garner her some attention.

Here is what I think happened. I think she wrote the sext on this boy's phone and sent it to herself, as if he had written it to her. Then sent a response back. I am guessing that this girl wanted to have a sexy text on her phone that she could then show around to other kids as a sign that a boy likes her. I can imagine that there are some eye rollers out there, as in "oh sure he didn't write it, good ass-covering move." But I know this mom, and this kid and I do believe that this is how it went down. The great news is that this mom and son had a great talk about phone ownership responsibilities, about how this girl's mom could find this text on her daughter's phone, and be very upset and call the school principal, or his parents. He had never thought of this stuff and truly was grateful for her help. She let him know that periodically she would be checking the phone. He was fine with that.

Here is the important take away from this story. You never know!!!!!!! Always better to be safe than sorry. Feel free to share this story and texting message with your teen. A real story is always better than a made up story. Texts and sexts can be found by parents and other authority figures who might not be happy having these kinds of messages and pictures on their teen's phone. You need to reinforce the message that if what they write is NOT something they would say to their friend in person, it SHOULD NOT be on their phone, no matter how funny or cool they think it would be. You need to really hammer in this point with an I get it message; "Honey, I get it is fun to get attention from boys/girls with sexy texts, and that it might make you look cool and funny, but it can get you into trouble, and I need to make sure that you don't get yourself your into trouble. I would hate to see you embarrassed and humiliated by something that started out just as joke."

Go do some story-telling!!!!

PS and here is a bit of Joani-live in case your school/community/work place might like me to come and do my seminar.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpaHQpDTSro